December 4th 2000 - 19th May 2018
To the very few or one who still visit, I apologise for the suddenness of this. The last few years have been extremely difficult for me, and I'm honestly not sure if I can cope with anything anymore. My depression the last few years has had a strangle hold on me, and now I suffer from many physical symptoms of it instead of "only" feeling overwhelmingly sad and useless. Every day is a bloody struggle and I can't cope with the simplest of problems. Everything I do in my life seems to be cursed to fail. I can lie to myself by saying "but at least I finished Fifth Voyager," all I want, but it's simply not true (and it doesn't matter, who cares but me?) or I would have moved on two years ago, and likely have a book or two self published. I'm a self sabatoger who rarely takes risks because I know it's never worth it. I've learned today that life wants me to be miserable and sick, as my last ditch attempt at recovery has stabbed me in the face. I get the message now. I don't even deserve to have my only achievement around, I think. What else could it mean?
Now if you're wondering if this means I'll be moving onto to book writing. Nope. Like I said, I'm never going to take a chance again. I'm going to exist until the day I die, which I hope will be soon.
I will always love and be proud of (mostly) what I did here for the last 17 and a bit years. The last few years especially where I believe I did my best work in the shadows. Who knows if I'll change my mind or not about this. It's really hard to explain why I've done this when what made me think "why bother trying anymore" was barely related to my work here. Fifth Voyager has all honesty been what's kept me going this long. Thing is, I have a lot less time now for it. I used to work on it in my off time at work, with permission FYI, until my depression was seen as rudeness and that privilege was snatched from me, barely a month after losing my personal laptop due to their negligence and charging me to replace it. I suppose that's where it all started spiralling down into the physical symptoms drain. I'm babbling as usual, so I'm gonna cut this short(er).
If I feel better later, I may (and that's a big if) reupload the Episode Archive... but I plan to tell my host to let everything expire, so it would still be temporary. I doubt anyone will ask, but if you are someone who wants a copy of an episode or two, send me an email (copy, paste, then remove the _) at marillena_5_@_hotmail_.com
Unless something drastic happens, I'll likely never write again. Which is a shame, as I thought I was getting better and was making some progress. Today though has told me "f$$$ off Marill, you don't deserve to be happy you talentless crybaby. No one will care or even notice if you delete this site anyway. Don't bother trying. Your hard work is for nothing, no one will ever appreciate it, it's only going to keep hurting you, it's pointless." I dunno if I'll get out of this pit. I've felt terrible before, but I've never gone on a mass deleting spree like this. So, yeah. I think I've covered it all.
If anyone's actually there. Thanks for reading.