B4FV 1.20 - Paris Camera

Paris Camera
(Parts 1 & 2)

This episode was inspired by an old Pokémon fanfic called Meowth Cam. The song Treat Me Like A Lady belongs to Zoe Birkett, yeah I know this is the second time we've rewrote it. The song Brainwashing doesn't exist, well if there is a song called that then I doubt it'll be have the same lyrics as this one.

Episode Synopsis
Tom puts a camera on his head to monitor the crew for a day, with hilarious results

Written By

11th February 2003

Episode Based In
August 2371 (late season 1)

Last time on B4 Fifth Voyager
"Oh for crying out loud, what's wrong with you?" Kes asked angrily.

"Did you see the way he looked at you?" Neelix asked.

"No, but it's none of your business. We broke up remember. You broke up with me," Kes replied.

"I understand what you're saying. We're a long way from home, everyone's lonely, all we have is each other. Soon everyone will be pairing off," Kathryn said.

"Space dwelling lifeforms actually," Chakotay said.

"Worms," Jessie muttered.

"Full scan, let's learn all we can about them. Don't take us too close, Tom," Kathryn said.

"It looks like they get their food from space, they absorb nutrients," Chakotay said.

"The particle density in this region is pretty high, it explains why they keep moving so fast," Samantha said.

Neelix strolled in anyway. "Hi sweetie." He pulled out some flowers. "I'm sorry for before, you were right. I had no right to be jealous."

Kes rushed over to him. Neelix opened his arms, expecting a hug but instead Kes just snatched the flowers. "Whatever. Thanks, I'm starved," she said. She then started to eating the flowers.

"Ok, you're going to Sickbay," Neelix said.

"Those worms are pulling us closer," Tom replied.

"They're pulling us closer, how could they do that? They have no arms," Danny asked.

"How can worms hold bazooka's and UZI's, or how can banana's blow up an entire area, killing everyone? That's a good life mystery," Harry replied.

"That's a computer game Harry, but still it's a good point," Tom said.

"Hello? We're getting pulled into the worms. Suggest something people," Kathryn said.

The ship shook lightly. Kathryn turned to Tom. "A small explosion hit one of the nearby worms, creatures. It's still alive, weird," he said.

"One of the worms grew what looked like arms, and it threw something towards the one that got hit by an explosion," Chakotay said.

"But there's no gravity, how did it do that?" Kathryn asked.

"There was a device on it that made it fly in the direction it was thrown," Samantha replied.

"Look, one's got a baseball bat.. cool!" Danny said in amazement.

"That creature went quite far didn't it, that shouldn't of happened," Kathryn said.

"Quite far? It's gone," Samantha said.

"There are no toxics in her system," the Doctor sighed.

"Why is she eating all this weird food, what's wrong with her?" Neelix asked.

"Maybe she thinks the flowers and dirt taste better than the crap you serve," Lee replied.

"Lee is probably right, now shut up I'm trying to work," the Doctor replied.

"Don't talk to me like that baldy," Neelix growled.

"I can talk to you like that if you're annoying me. Now can you please leave, I can't concentrate with you around," the Doctor said.

"You're only a hologram, though," Neelix said.

"And you're a spotty and hairy weird guy, you don't see my complaining," the Doctor said.

"Shouldn't we be fighting back now?" B'Elanna asked angrily.

"We can't fight back, goodness knows what kind of damage they'll receive," Kathryn said.

"Ok, they've just attacked us with a sheep, that's not right," Tom said.

"We think you're being affected by some space dwelling lifeforms. When we get away from them you'll probably feel better," Kathryn said.

"I've gone into the Elogium, I have to have a kid," Kes replied.

Kathryn turned to the Doctor. "Yes she has a lot of sugar in her system."

"So what do think you're going to achieve by putting a forcefield around yourself?" Kathryn asked.

"I thought Neelix would pester me even more if he found out," Kes replied.

"A worm just threw an old lady at another one, she blew up," Tom said.

"Riiiigggghhhtt," everyone muttered.

"Kes is hyper so she's taking it very well. I don't think she will have a child, but if she does it's mainly her choice," Kathryn said.

"Her and Neelix broke up so I doubt she'll want to have one with him," Chakotay said.

"Probably not. It seems convenient that all this has happened Kes after our conversation earlier," Kathryn said.

Faye pulled a disgusted face, "you're in love with Janeway?"

Chakotay's eyes widened, "what, I didn't say that"!

Faye groaned, "you thought it. I can't help it, I'm sorry. Janeway?"

"Shut up, I hate her.. so just leave it," Chakotay snapped.

"Eeeew, imagine what the kid would look like. No way, get lost!" Kes exclaimed.

"But, it doesn't matter what the child looks like," Neelix said.

"I guess but it'll probably be another you, eeew," Kes moaned.

"You're just hyper, you don't know what you're saying," Neelix said.

"These things are acting like worms like in the computer game, maybe we should use some tactics from that," Tom replied.

"The only way to get out of this is either to destroy them all, surrender or let them push us out of the swarm," Faye replied.

"They won't let us leave, and we're not going to kill them," Kathryn said.

"Thought so. I figured that we'd have to use the surrender option. They'll leave us alone until the battle is over, before then we may be able to get out," Faye said.

"So how do we make it look like we're surrendering?" Tom asked.

"We need something white outside the ship, like a flag," Faye replied.

"I think the white flag idea is better, maybe we could use the deflector to fire a white beam at nothing. They might think we're surrendering then," Tom said.

Samantha pulled a disgusted face. "I'll make this quick. I'm pregnant, bye!" She then rushed out.

"I hate that word," Kathryn muttered.

And now the conclusion
"You know your life blows when you're stuck with a job like this," Tom muttered.

"What are you talking about, the isn't your main job," Harry asked.

"Sure but I wouldn't be doing this if the boss wasn't always drunk on coffee," Tom replied.

"Quiet on set guys, and action," Lee said.

Tom and Harry groaned as they turned on their video cameras which were pointed towards Neelix

"Hello Voyager, welcome to Neelix TV. Today we'll be talking to the one and only Captain Janeway about her beauty secrets. And you'll be joining me in the kitchen when I cook today's lunch. But now, music!" Neelix said.

The song Treat Me Like A Lady started, some lights shone on a woman with her back to the cameras. Everyone's mouths dropped when she turned around.

Kathryn started dancing really stupidly, but then she started to sing, "I need to be caffeine full, drinking lots, like I'm on late night shifts. If you stir it right, I can drink all night, and I'll just have my way."

"You're right, life really does blow," Harry muttered.

Tom wiped the tears of pain from his face. "Please tell me I'm dreaming, please!"

"This ain't no silly addiction, I love that freaky taste. Wanna drink some coffee with you. I've gotta make a cup for everyone, and drink it all down myself," Kathryn continued to 'sing'.

"Neelix, how could you?" Tom asked, while covering one of his ears with his available hand.

"She threatened me," Neelix replied.

"Oooh, I've gotta stir it up and make it black, yeah yeah yeah yeah," Kathryn sang. She picked up the microphone like she forgot it, she started to sing into it. "I'm coming alive, coming alive, when you treat me with some coffee. I'm coming alive, hyper inside, when you treat me with some coffee."

"I feel sorry for the girl who originally sang that song," Harry said. Everyone nearby nodded.

"Drinking the cups that are left behind, coffee now, coffee now, coffee now, treat me with some coffee. Drinking the cups that are left behind, coffee now, coffee now, coffee now, coffee," Kathryn sang.

The Bridge:
"What do you think, a one hit wonder or a one crap blunder?" Chakotay asked everyone.

Everyone took out their earplugs, even Tuvok, and they all said in unison, "what?"

"And cut!" Lee yelled.

Tom and Harry collapsed on the floor, not realising that both cameras were left on.

"Oh well, I'd better prepare for the cooking part of the show," Neelix said cheerfully. Everyone put gas masks on just in case. Neelix went over to the kitchen whistling some stupid tune.

"Should we fake an illness tomorrow?" Harry asked.

"Nah, just volunteer to try Neelix's food," Tom replied.

"I don't want to be really ill, I do like my other job," Harry muttered.

"Sad," Tom said quietly.

"What?" Harry said questioningly.

"Uh, nothing," Tom said.

Meanwhile Neelix was busy stirring up his stew in a huge pan. He looked around just in case anyone was watching, he slipped Leola Root into it, and continued to stir. Unknown to him the cameras had caught the whole thing.

The Bridge:
"Eeew, I'm not touching that stew," Claire muttered.

"What?" everyone said again.

"Would you take those stupid ear plugs out, Janeway's stopped singing!" Chakotay yelled.

"What?" came the usual response.

Later that day:
Tom and Harry came onto the Bridge looking like they hadn't shaved in days and hadn't slept either. They took their stations.

"What happened to you guys, you only worked with Neelix for three hours," Chakotay asked.

"Three hours, huh?" Harry muttered in confusment.

"Don't be stupid, it was a few days. Yeesh," Tom said.

"Then how come you've come to the night shift?" Chakotay asked.

Tom and Harry put on watches and then looked at them. "Oh, damn it," Harry muttered.

"Wait a minute, it's the night shift!? Why the hell are we still here?" Claire asked.

Chakotay looked nervous, "uh.. see ya!" He ran out of the Bridge.

"Hey, did you guys know that Neelix put Leola Root in today's stew?" Harry asked.

"Yeah," everyone groaned, some were clutching their stomachs as they did.

"You do, oh that spoils my bit of fun for the day," Harry sighed. He left the Bridge.

"He really needs to get a girlfriend," Tom muttered.

"Er, aren't you single?" Claire asked.

"Hey, how come you have lots of lines all of a sudden?" Tom asked.

"Er.. shut up. I can kick your butt anyday," Claire replied.

"Sure you could," Tom said.

"Yep, now I've got to go to my quarters. See ya Tom," Claire said. She walked straight through Tom and left the Bridge.

"Huh?" everyone muttered.

The next morning:
Harry was busy putting gel on his hair. He finished the jar so he threw it away. He picked up another one and used up half of that. The door chimed. "Come in!"

Tom strolled in holding his own computer, "hey have I got something for you."

"Uhoh, what is it?" Harry asked. He left the bathroom and joined Tom near the sofa.

"I have an idea which will get Neelix back for hiring us, and Janeway back for supporting him and torturing us too," Tom replied.

"I'm all ears, what is it?" Harry asked.

Tom put the computer on the coffee table. After fiddling with it a cheesy logo appeared on the screen. "Paris Camera. I dunno Tom, can't you think of anything else?" Harry muttered.

"You haven't even heard my plan yet," Tom said.

"Fine," Harry groaned.

"We start our own show, it's theme.. video footage," Tom said.

"Ok I have a better line, can't you think of anything original?" Harry asked.

"Yeah I know, it's an old idea, but if we add competitions and stuff it'll be better," Tom replied.

"I don't see how we can get revenge on two people like this," Harry said.

Tom looked confused, "isn't it obvious? We have loads of accidental footage of Neelix when we left the cameras on. And with the help of the wonderful technology known as holographic imagery, we can make some of our own," Tom said.

"Sounds like pretty petty revenge... I'm in," Harry said.

Tom patted him on the back. "That's my Harry, let's see what footage we have shall we?"

Meanwhile on the FVDA ship:
Nelly, Kelly, Justin, a tarty girl with mucky hair, some ugly guy with dark hair, and two teenaged girls stumbled into the main bridge looking worn out.

"That's the last time we try to brainwash those aliens, they must have over sensitive hearing," Kelly said.

"What are you talking about, that audience loved me," one of the teens said.

"That's because I kissed you, that's why Lena," the other teen said.

"I can't believe you guys did that at the end, I mean when I do performances I try to keep my dignity intact," the tarty girl said. She tossed her hair back while the others just stared at her.

Damien came over to the group, "I didn't know you had any, but ok."

"What do you mean, I have plenty!" the tarty girl stropped.

"Nice underwear Christina, where do you get those from? Tarts R Us," Lena asked.

"Yes, you been there!?" Christina exclaimed.

"I have," the other teen said.

"Oh crap," Lena muttered.

"So erm, what was the reception like anyway? It couldn't of been that bad," Damien asked.

"Justin broke the windows, about twenty people are in hospital care," Nelly replied.

"Hey that was before the windows broke," Justin said.

"Oh yeah, those twenty were in agony because of your bad singing," Nelly said.

"You can't rap or whatever you do," Justin muttered.

"You're not Jackson, if you want to be I'll make you ugly enough," Nelly said angrily.

"Outside?" Justin said menacingly.

"Yeah!" Nelly yelled. He and Justin rushed out. Kelly was about to say something but Justin and Nelly's voices were still head from outside.

"They fell for it Nell, wanna go and make out somewhere? I can pretend I'm with Christina again," Justin's voice said.

"Sure man, I can pretend I was with Kelly," Nelly's voice said.

"Oh my god, I never would of guessed," Lena said.

"Are you kidding, those two have sang together twice," Damien muttered.

Christina grinned, "I like doing that alibi stuff with Justin, he gives me money to go to a secret shopping mall."

"Oh that one with Tarts R Us?" the other teen asked.

"Yeah," Christina giggled.

"Yes well that's all very fascinating, but I want to know why you guys failed too," Damien said.

"The Ikanas execute any gay people, I can't believe they fell for that act," the other teen said.

"But I thought you were gay," Kelly said.

"Pah, no way. It's just to get us popular, we're not even Russian either. We're from some secret island," the other teen said.

"You are, I'm not," Lena said.

"Shut up, look a camera!" the other teen yelled. She grabbed a hold of Lena, and kissed her on the cheek. The 'camera' was in fact a computer monitor.

"Ahem," Damien coughed.

"I got booed, David got bottles thrown at him, Justin deafened some people and broke some windows, Nelly was set on fire, Tatu were too gay, and Christina never got on stage," Kelly said.

"Why not?" Damien asked.

"The dress code for that planet is really restrictive," Christina replied.

"So how did the 18 year old schoolgirls get on then?" Damien asked angrily.

"The short skirts were fine, they just didn't like Christina cos she's more tarty," Lena replied.

"Typical," Damien grumbled.

Myleene came into the room, she giggled like a schoolgirl. "It's my best friend!" she yelled.

Christina grinned, but Myleene ran over to David Sneddon instead. "I love you, go out with me now."

"Uh.. will that make me more stupidly popular?" David asked.

"You'll probably be hated for dating her," Damien replied.

"Then no," David said.

"Aaaw," Myleene moaned.

"Ok concentrate people. We need a plan that'll brainwash Fifth Voyager, making it easy for us to destroy them," Damien said.

"Wanna see our next video?" the other teen asked.

"NO!" everyone, including Christina and even Lena, yelled.


End of Part I

Part II


The next day, the Mess Hall:
Everyone was gathered around the small TV Tom had brought, on the screen were Tom and Harry.

"Hi everyone, welcome to Paris Camera.. where you, the viewers, can get revenge on your friends.." Tom said.

"With embarrassing camera footage! Since today is the first episode, we'll be getting our own revenge.. on Captain Janeway and Neelix. We'll probably be dead by the next episode so.." Harry said. Tom elbowed him.

"Now we'll show the clips," Tom said.

The camera moved to show a computer monitor. The text 'clip 1' came on the screen.

Neelix was busy stirring his Leola Root stew, he kept scratching his nose every five seconds. He looked around nervously before putting his finger in his nose. He took it out and look impressed. He flicked his finger.

"Aaaaaagghhh, something green landed in my coffee!" Kathryn's voice screamed. "Aaaaaagghhh, oh well it's still drinkable," she said.

"Killing two birds with one stone, hey Harry?" Tom said.

"Yeah, check out the next clip," Harry said.

"Hmm, I wonder if this stew is ready," Neelix said to himself. He put his finger in the stew, yes the one he used to pick his nose with. "Owie, it's hot, hot!" he screamed, he ran out of camera view.

"Ok, I hope nobody ate that stew," Harry said in disgust.

"Me too. Now you must be wondering why we want revenge on Neelix and the Captain. We'll show you some more backstage footage," Tom said.

The camera now focuses on Tom and Harry sitting in the Mess Hall. Neelix and Kathryn come over to them.

"I've started a new show. You're our cameramen," Neelix said.

"No we're not, we have lives," Tom said.

"If you don't do as Neelix says we'll put you in the brig for 70 years," Kathryn said.

"But.. but.." Harry and Tom stuttered.

"But nothing, if you don't I'll make you be my personal bodyguards. You'll be with me 24/7," Kathryn said.

"What, nooooooooooooooooo!" Tom and Harry screamed.

"We hadn't finished," Kathryn said.

"Yes, if you are still not scared of all that then I'll cook you in my Leola Root Stew," Neelix said.

"See, there you have it. No one should be blackmailed like that," Tom said.

"Now we still have more to show you. Check this out," Harry said.

Neelix handed Tom and Harry a card each. "Right you two will come up with questions for the interview with Captain Janeway." He walked off as Harry and Tom glanced at the cards. There was a flash as the tape was cut slightly. Neelix was sitting opposite Kathryn.

"Now remember folks, this is different takes.. ones that weren't shown on the show. More proof that Neelix TV isn't live," Tom said.

"Shh, let's watch," Harry said.

Neelix had a microphone nearby, "now Captain. This interviewee is delighted that you are on our first show. Now I have some random questions for you."

"Good good, fire away.. but be quick," Kathryn said.

"Ok. Question 4, how do you get your hair looking so neat? Do you put cement in it?" Neelix asked as he read off the card.

"How dare you, I only put the best stuff in my hair.. coffee shampoo and conditioner," Kathryn replied.

"Question 9, why are you so obsessed with coffee? Is it because it's the only lover you have that doesn't have eyes?" Neelix asked nervously.

"Coffee has a really nice taste and it keeps me sharp. What does eyes have to do with this anyway?" Kathryn replied.

"Um.. I dunno. Question 10, so you had a fiancée that died.. how did you kill him?" Neelix asked. He pulled a face at the card afterwards.

"I didn't kill him.. you are, so mean!" Kathryn cried and she ran out of camera sight.

"So that's why the picture cut off, it wasn't a power problem," Harry said.

"Oh yeah. Harry did you know that Neelix TV was going to have a few games on too?" Tom asked.

"No I didn't," Harry replied.

"That's probably because they either sucked, or the contestants and hosts didn't behave properly. Watch this," Tom said.

The music for Strike it Rich came on, Lee came onto the set not looking too happy. "Why am I the host of this stupid game?"

The camera moved to show Neelix with a script. "It's because the original host was gay so we need a new gay host."

"I'm not gay!" Lee exclaimed while stamping his foot.

"If you want a gay man instead of a gay boy, why don't you just call James to do it," Tom's voice said.

Harry glanced at Tom nervously. He grinned like it was his last grin. "Um, let's forget that we saw that bit, ey."

"Ookay Tom. Let's move onto the other game that was going to be on the show.. Countdown!" Harry said loudly.

Neelix was the main host guy, Lee was the person who put up the letters and numbers, Faye and James were the contestants for some odd reason.

"Ok, the letters are B S L A T R A D," Lee said.

"Is that the right amount of letters?" Faye asked.

"Time starts now," Neelix said quickly. The countdown music started and finished in 30 seconds.

Faye slammed her pen down on the desk, "no one normal can get a long word in that amount of time!"

"So, Faye has zero. James, what have you got?" Neelix asked.

"I have seven letters," James said smugly.

Faye looked gobsmacked, "he cheated!"

"Ok, what did you get?" Neelix asked.

"I got b***ard," James replied.

"Ok, you get out.. this is a before prime time show. Get out," Neelix said angrily.

"But there are no kids on the ship," James said.

"I'm a kid," Faye said.

"Out!" Neelix yelled as he pointed at the door. James left the set muttering something else that wasn't before prime time material.

"Faye, you must of had something," Neelix said.

"I did actually. I got sad, as in this game is sad," Faye said.

"Ok, get out, get out!" Neelix yelled.

Faye left the set with a huge pout on her face.

"Well that's all for today, join us tomorrow night," Tom said. The screen faded out.

The FVDA ship:
"Julia, will you stop touching my butt," Lena muttered.

"I'm not touching your butt," the teenaged girl said.

"Uhoh," David stuttered. He rushed off.

"Do you really think I'm gay, yeesh," Julia asked.

"A little," Lena replied.

Myleene came over, "you hussy. My boyfriend just touched you!"

"That's not my fault," Lena moaned.

"I'm so sick of you two, you're stealing my reputation," Myleene said.

"Oh come on, you're nothing compared to us," Julia said.

Myleene gasped, "I am so better than you!" She stormed over to the main shuttle bay exit.

"Yeah right, we're better than you and there's nothing you can do about it," Julia said.

"Uh Julia," Lena muttered.

Myleene pressed a button near the door, she quickly ran out. As soon as she did the shuttle bay doors opened, the two girls got blown into space.

Meanwhile, on a nearby Borg ship:
"So can I, can I, can I?" Jericute-os pleaded.

"Oh fine, you can have your own sphere," the Borg Queen groaned.

"Yey!" Jericute-os yelled. She ran out of the room.

"So glad the only one left is that old run down one," the Borg Queen muttered to herself.

A little while later:
A small damaged Borg Sphere flew out of the Borg Cube and shot off into the distance.

"This is fun, I'm a Captain," Jericute-os said.

A few drones came up to Jericute-os. "Jericute-os of Borg, two humans are floating in space. What should we do about them?"

"Hmm," Jericute-os muttered.

Another little while later:
The two Tatu girls were alive and well, oddly enough, performing their quite rubbish song to Jericute-os and the drones. When they finished they kissed each other, as usual.

"Wow.. so amazing," Jericute-os said in a hypnotised kind of way.

"We agree," the drones said.

"This is great Lena, we can get revenge on Myleene now," Julia said.

"Ugh," Lena groaned as she wiped her mouth.

"How many times do I have to tell you, you are not allowed to make out with Nelly," Brannon said.

"And why not?" Justin asked.

"Cos it's weird!" Brannon replied angrily.

"That's not a good enough reason. You suck!" Justin stropped.

Brannon laughed, "I suck? I think you're looking in a mirror there pal."

Justin stamped his foot like a child. "I do not, I'm going to mutiny."

"Good luck," Brannon laughed. He walked off.

Justin pouted, "maybe I should write a song about this."

"What, you can't do that!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry, we don't care," Tom said.

"I can do it, you're both fired. How could you betray me like that," Neelix cried.

"If you think about it, it was more embarrassing for Janeway," Tom said.

Neelix groaned and he walked away.

"Harry, why were you making such a big deal out of this? You hated that job?" Tom asked.

"What about Paris Camera, smarty pants?" Harry replied.

Tom looked around to see if anyone was listening in. "I knew that, I mean.. we could do something else."

"Why don't we just give it up, we've had our revenge," Harry said.

"But what about all the other people? We did get Neelix back, but Janeway.. I'm just getting started," Tom said.

"So what do you suggest for your show?" Harry asked.

"Huh?" Tom muttered.

"Yeah, I quit. I don't want to be involved in this anymore. It was fun to start with but there's no point in going on," Harry said.

"Petty revenge," Tom said in a teasing voice.

"Petty revenge gets boring after a really short while," Harry said.

"Does it, meh it's not boring yet," Tom said.

"Okay but it doesn't get you any friends, you'll be alone.. forever," Harry said.

Tom stared blankly at him. "You're going too far with that Harry."

"Yeah I know I am," Harry muttered. "Soo, what are you going to do?"

"I think if I hide a camera in my hat or something, I could film the crew," Tom replied.

"Oookay, good luck with that," Harry muttered. He walked away.

The next day:
The camera view shakes around a bit, it focuses on Tom's face. "Hi everyone. Welcome to Paris Camera. Today I'm filming the crew, but it's not live.. it's not as fun when you know where I am and everything. So let's go, and witness a day of my life."

The camera shakes around again, it finally stops as it shows the corridor. The camera moves forward as he walks. Eventually Faye comes into view.

"Hi Faye, where are you off to?" Tom asks.

"School, I have to learn how to use an opps station on the holodeck. Hey cool, that's a nice hat," Faye replies.

"Yeah, I just replicated it. Do you think Janeway will cause a fuss about it?" Tom asks.

"Peh, probably. See you around Tom," Faye replies. She walks away.

The camera continues forward, turns a corner and goes into the turbolift. Inside is Ian and Lisa making out.

"Uh Tom, hi," Ian says nervously.

"Hi, deck 1," Tom says.

"There's a funny noise coming from your hat," Lisa says.

"Uh.. no that was me erm, pumping. Yes that's more believable," Tom says.

Ian and Lisa pulls some disgusted faces. "Eeew, how long does this turbolift take?" Lisa asks.

"Shouldn't you be going to school?" Ian asks.

"Ah son of a..." Lisa mutters.

The turbolift stops at the Bridge. The camera follows Ian off.

"Mr Paris, why are you wearing a hat? It is against the dress code?" Chakotay asks.

The camera glances at Tuvok briefly, this catches him rolling his eyes. The camera faces Chakotay. "I'm reporting it to lost and found, I wore it just in case I misplaced it," Tom says.

"Oh, well if you must know Janeway's in her Ready Room," Chakotay says.

"Right thanks," Tom says. The camera heads towards the Ready Room door. It opens to reveal Kathryn sitting on the floor surrounded by coffee bags, and of course coffee all over her mouth.

"Tom!" she yells.

"Uhoh," Tom stutters.

Kathryn lunges towards the camera and it goes blank.

A few hours later:
Tom was sitting in his quarters fixing the small camera. "Damn Janeway," he muttered every now and then. He finally fixed it, so he stood up with it, with a big grin on his face. Suddenly he dematerialised. The camera dropped on the ground.

The FVDA ship:
Tom appeared in the middle of the Bridge, surrounded by the remaining casted FVDA members.

"Huh, what am I doing here?" Tom asked.

Damien stepped forward, "you're going to help us brainwash Voyager."

"Why would I help you do that?" Tom asked.

"Well we'd have to brainwash you to do it, girls get singing," Damien replied. Kelly and Christina glanced at each other, they shrugged.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie," Kelly sang.

"I dunno the words, but I have a nice butt," Christina sang.

"She likes to dress like a slut," Kelly sang.

"And she likes to model the new Big Macs with Claire Richards," Christina sang.

"Hey, that didn't rhyme!" Kelly yelled.

"Sure," Christina laughed.

"Nope, still not brainwashed," Tom said smugly.

"Of course not, but you will be. Ok, everyone sing the new song for our guest," Damien said.

All the so called popstars gathered into a group. The song Chain Reaction started.

"We sing like crap, but we make you want us," Myleene sang.

"We make a single, and you listen to it on a bus," David sang.

Tom rolled his eyes, "crap rhyming." Nobody heard him luckily.

"We make you love us with absolute poo," Kelly sang.

"Something that we have to do," Nelly rapped.

"And there you are dancing with someone," Christina sang.

"You listen a little and we take you over," Justin sang.

"We set our mark on stealing your taste away," Myleene sang.

"Trying, buying, anything for fame," David sang.

"Aaah, lost the rhyming," Tom muttered. Once again, they didn't hear him.

"We're in the middle of a brainwashing session. We get awards for making you love our bashings. We wanna get your tastes all ready for our crappy music passion. Instant brainwashing. You get someone to hold you for the first explosion. We get a picture taken for our hate exposing. Others will cover, our songs will bother you. Not much left to say," the whole group sang.

"He must be brainwashed now," Damien said. He went over to Tom, he waved his hand in front of his face. "What did you think of our new single."

"Brilliant," Tom said like a robot.

"Excellent," Damien said in true Burns fashion. "Now film our brand new video."

"Yes master," Tom muttered.

Harry rushed onto the Bridge. "Captain, Captain!"

"Yes Harry poo poo!" Kathryn yelled. She fell off the chair.

"I'll do that again," Harry muttered. He went into the turbolift again. He rushed back onto the Bridge. "Commander, Commander!"

"What, what?" Chakotay asked.

"Tom's gone missing, I found his camera," Harry replied. He handed the camera to Chakotay.

"His commbadge signal disappeared ten minutes ago," Tuvok said.

"Where did he go?" Chakotay asked.

"Unknown," Tuvok said as Harry went to his station.

"Aaaaw, poor Tommy poo," Kathryn muttered.

"Would you stop saying poo so much," Chakotay said.

"Commander, a ship's decloaking in front of us," Harry said.

"On screen," Chakotay ordered.

The viewscreen showed the FVDA ship appear.

"They're hailing," Harry said.

"Ok, let's talk to them," Chakotay said.

Damien appeared on the screen. "Greetings Voyager, I am your greatest foe.. tremble before me."

"Isn't our greatest foe Janeway on coffee?" Danny asked.

Damien coughed. "I said tremble before me! Oh who cares. Say bye bye to your lives.. you're about to become my slaves for all eternity."

"Hehehe, he talks out of his butt," Kathryn laughed.

"Um yeah. Anyway, behold our new music video for Brainwashing," Damien said. He laughed evilly. The music video for Brainwashing went on but there was no sound. Everyone turned to Harry who smiling smugly. Damien came back on the screen so Harry pressed the mute button again.

"Ah ha, you're now my slaves," Damien laughed.

"No, we're kinda ok. Now it's our turn," Chakotay said in his own evil fashion. He turned to Kathryn. "Hey Janeway, sing your version of Gimme Gimme Gimme for the nice man."

"Ok!" Kathryn yelled as she jumped to her feet.

"Oh dear god no!" Damien yelled.

"Gimme gimme gimme some coffee after midnight, won't somebody help me chase the cravings away," Kathryn sang while doing a really slutty dance. "Gimme gimme gimme some coffee after midnight, give me some caffeine to last til the break of the day, wooh!"

"All right, all right.. you can have your annoying crewmember back. He's brainwashed so good luck with that, haha," Damien said. The viewscreen changed to show the FVDA ship cloaking again.

Tom appeared on the bridge also smiling smugly. "That's what he thought."

"Ok, how did you get out of that? You had no mute button," Harry asked.

Tom shrugged, "I dunno. It just didn't work on me. I made the music video so there was no sound."

"I thought I did that," Harry moaned.

"No Harry, you weren't 'helping' making the video," Tom said.

"This could go on all day," Chakotay groaned.

"Can I sing the rest of my song?" Kathryn asked.

"No!" everyone yelled.

"Look Neelix I won't do my show anymore, I promise. All you have to do is stop Neelix TV," Tom said.

"But why?" Neelix asked.

"Cos it's cruel, you forced Harry and I to do all the work and you'll probably do it to others in the future," Tom replied.

"All right, I'll cancel Neelix TV," Neelix said.

"Thanks Neelix," Tom said. He walked out of the Mess Hall.

"Ha sucker," Neelix laughed. He continued to make notes on his PADD, under the title Good Morning Voyager. And so it all began again.

Will Neelix enslave more innocent crewmembers into helping with his show? Will Janeway sing on it again? What happened to Jericute-os and those drones? Will the Tatu girls get out of our already miserable lives (please god)? Speaking of which will Justin Timberlake, Nelly and Kelly get out of our lives too? Why on earth did the synopsis mention the word hilarious when I'm the one that wrote this episode? And do you think anybody would get away with a swear word on Countdown?
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of B4 Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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