B4FV 1.19 - Elogium

(Parts 1 & 2)

This episode is a parody of the Voyager episode Elogium. Two of the characters who were voted for to be in the episode more in an earlier poll, so thanks to all who took part in it.

Episode Synopsis
Voyager gets into a fight for survival in a creature's battle field, Kes goes into her mating cycle early and Chakotay's secret comes out into the open

Written By
Raichu & Vulpix

Co-Written By

5th February 2003

Episode Based In
August 2371 (late season 1)


Last time on B4 Fifth Voyager
"You don't get it do you?" Jessie said.

"This isn't a sign of any guilt of killing that man," Susy said.

"It's about you loving power," Jessie said. 

"You have no idea how much potential two of the girls have. I am responsible for training a really powerful natural Slayer too," Ronnie said.

"As a matter of a fact I think I have found one of the Chosen Slayers," Wesley said.

"Impossible, one person in the whole galaxy, impossible," Ronnie said.

"If you had proper Watcher senses like I do the you would know these things. Our species carry the Chosen Slayers, we haven't had that since the 22nd century," Wesley said.

"I still say you should take Harry, I don't think he's died this season," Claire said.

"Fine, you can die instead of me in future. I'm not bothered," James said.

"Can I skip all that and just have extra scenes?" Harry asked.

"Nope, being a regular comes at a price," James replied.

"Who do you think's going to die next?" she asked. She got shot.

"I think it's me," James replied. One of the energy pulses hit him too.

"We've already lost him Doctor," Kes said in a confused tone of voice.

"You know what I mean. Get the secret technobabble hidden under my desk," the Doctor ordered.

"No, no. Let me be the first to say, welcome to Q's Second Chance.. Place," the guy said.

"Really, that's nice. Why am I here?" James asked.

"I've only explained this twenty times and it's already getting annoying. People who die young sometimes come here.." Q said.

"Ok, I died young and I still don't get the point of this," James said.

"Isn't it obvious? I let customers go back in time to avoid the incidents that kill them," the Q said.

"Terry dumped her," Jessie replied.

"He didn't just dump me, he.." Danny said, she burst out crying again.

"I'll put it simply Ian, he used and dumped her," Jessie replied.

"I don't think starting a fight's the best way to do it," James said.

"What will then, huh? Taking him aside and giving him a lecture?" Ian said sarcastically.

"Just be there for her, she needs us now. Right?" Jessie replied.

"You're right Jess, but this guy needs to be taught a lesson. He could do it again," Ian said.

"So what, it's none of our business. That guy looks tough, you really shouldn't get into a fight with him," James said.

"Violence isn't the answer to everything, Ian. Just leave it, ok," Jessie said.

"He's the same height as me, and just a bit bigger. What makes you think I won't be able to take him on. You told me about all the times you got into fights with bigger people," Ian said.

"That's different," James said.

"Yeah, different as in not true. If you think I can't take Terry on then there's no way I can believe that you won all but one fight at school, shorty," Ian said.

"I know this is college, but that doesn't mean you can talk to teachers like that. You will stay behind after class today," the teacher said.

"No you don't get it, if I go to detention I won't be able to stop Ian getting into a fight," James said.

"Look I'll do the detention tomorrow instead. Please," James said.

"I'll think about it. For now you're still spending half an hour with me after class," the teacher said.

"Should I wait in the dinner hall?" Jessie asked.

James watched Ian leave the classroom, he turned back to Jessie. "No, can you stop Ian from getting into any fights?"

"I'm only one girl, but ok," Jessie replied. 

"I have decided to let you have your detention tomorrow. But.. you will stay here for about five to ten minutes," the teacher said.

"But that isn't good enough, I have to go now," James said.

Terry laughed, "did you think we'd be together forever, or something? I dumped her cos I didn't like her anymore, that's why."

"You seemed to like her last night, didn't you?" Ian said.

"Sort of, she was ok," Terry said.

"Is that all you think of her, ok?" Ian asked.

"Ok I've got a better way to solve this. Terry's a perverty jerk, Ian , you're Ian," Jessie said. Ian and Terry just stared at her.

"And you look like a slut, we'll make a perfect couple," Terry said. He then slapped Jessie in the face.

"I was hoping you'd do something like that," Ian said. He jumped onto Terry, they both started fighting.

"Oh crap," Jessie muttered. She tried to pull Ian off Terry, Ian accidentally elbowed her hard in the face. She stumbled to the ground.

James finally arrived on the scene, he rushed over, he pulled Ian off of Terry. Terry just laughed and ran off. Ian pushed James. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"I told you fighting him wasn't going to change anything. You saw him laughing at you, he didn't care," James replied.

"So what, you obviously don't care about Danny enough to do something to help," Ian said.

Wesley was busy talking to the teacher when James came into the classroom. "He's a little tall, not very tall. A childish face, blonde," Wesley was saying.

"What about him?" the teacher asked as he pointed behind Wesley. Wesley turned around, his face lit up and he ran over to James. He backed off but it was too late, Wesley started hugging him. "Oookay, I'll leave you alone shall I," the teacher said. He rushed out of the classroom.

Wesley let go of him with a big grin plastered on his face. "I've finally found you, this is brilliant. I'll be a powerful watcher."

"No, I know you came back in time," Wesley said.

"How do you know about that?" James asked.

"As a watcher, I know these things," Wesley replied.

"A watcher, what is one of those?" James asked.

"An assistant to the Slayer, of course. This is so exciting," Wesley replied.

"Nope, don't care either, cos I'm not a Slayer. Some alien woman thought I was too," James replied.

"But you are one. You have the power and strength of a Chosen but you do not have a sister, let alone one who has the same power," Wesley said.

"Ok, you've lost me. I've got a friend waiting for me, so I gotta go," James said. He took the bag out of Wesley's hands, he left the classroom.

"There, I did it. Get me out of here, please," James said.

"But why, we could have lots more fun. We could go further forward and stop your mum getting killed or something. That is what's in the plot," Q said.

"The plot's longer than the last two parter's plot, I don't think so," James said.

"I must of hit my head, I don't remember it," James said.

"Yeah you did have a bit of a fall, you haven't forgotten much right?" Jessie asked.

"Oh god, it wasn't just a dream then," James muttered.

"What about Danny and Ian?" James asked.

"It's simple, they didn't join the Marquis. You don't remember anything about being on Voyager?" Jessie replied.

"Yeah I do, things are different. I'm going to kill that guy," James said.

"No way, you're not getting back to being violent, Mister.. not when our wedding's next week," Jessie said.

There was a huge thud as James fell off the biobed. After a few minutes, he pulled himself to his feet. "Wedding, what wedding?"

"Maybe we should do some tests," the Doctor said.

"Maybe I should just yell one letter. Q!" James yelled. The room froze, except for James anyway, Q appeared.

"Ok this doesn't make any sense. How the hell did I get engaged to Jessie?" James asked.

"Yeah I know, she should be engaged to me. I think I'll do that," Q replied. He was about to click his fingers but James grabbed his arm. "You're right, I got wrong for something like that before."

"Can you just put everything back to the way it was before?" James asked.

"I lied, I don't know when you're going to die. You'll probably not die for 50 years for all I know," Q replied.

"But.. so why did you do this?" James asked angrily.

"To have a laugh, I was getting bored," Q replied.

"Ok, you fix the timeline and I'll think about not beating you up," James said.

James woke up, the Doctor and Kes were standing over him this time. "The technobabble worked Doctor, should we treat the casted guest star now?" Kes asked.

"What happened?" James asked.

"You were shot," the Doctor replied.

"Oh thank god," James said.

The Doctor looked confused. "You people really confuse me." He walked off.

And now the conclusion
Chakotay was going down the corridor. He pressed a button next to the turbolift. The doors opened to reveal Thompson and O'Hara not kissing for once.

"So wanna pretend to be Romeo and Juliet again?" Thompson was asking.

"Ahem, please don't," Chakotay muttered.

Thompson and O'Hara then noticed him. "Oh sorry sir," Thompson stuttered. He and O'Hara rushed out.

Tom and Kes came up behind Chakotay carrying buckets of cabbage. "What was all that about?" Tom asked.

"You don't want to know," Chakotay replied.

"Shame, I do," Tom said. They all went into the turbolift.

The Mess Hall:
Neelix watched Kes and Tom walk in, laughing. Tom handed her the second bucket. "See you later," he said.

"Right," Kes said. She handed the cabbage to Neelix, who was staring angrily at the door which Tom came through. "Oh for crying out loud, what's wrong with you?" Kes asked angrily.

"Did you see the way he looked at you?" Neelix asked.

"No, but it's none of your business. We broke up remember. You broke up with me," Kes replied. She stormed out of the room.         

The Bridge:
Chakotay and Tom came out of the turbolift. Chakotay went over to the console behind the command chairs.

"What's up?" Tom asked.

"A strange energy reading is in front of us," Kathryn replied.

"What is it? It better not be another coffee nebula," Tom said.

"And what's wrong with that?" Kathryn snapped.

"I think the question is, what's good about that?" Jessie said.

"We're going to take a closer look," Kathryn said. She went over to Chakotay. "You're a little quiet, Commander."

"I caught Thompson and O'Hara in the turbolift, it got me thinking about fraternisation," Chakotay said.

"Well, I think the pair in question should show about more concession but.." Kathryn said.

"You can tell this is a parody of a real episode, big words alert," Jessie said.

"More like big words ending in ion alert," Tom said.

"Lieutenant, Crewman, do not listen in to the Captain and the Commander's conversation," Tuvok said.

"See what I mean," Tom said.

"I understand what you're saying. We're a long way from home, everyone's lonely, all we have is each other. Soon everyone will be pairing off," Kathryn said.

"Including you?" Chakotay said questioningly.

"Who's the unlucky sod who'd be paired off with her?" Danny asked.

Tom laughed, "we're in range."

"On screen," Kathryn said. She and Chakotay went to the centre of the Bridge. "Magnify," Kathryn ordered.

"Eeew, they look like big worms," Jessie said.

"Space dwelling lifeforms actually," Chakotay said.

"Worms," Jessie muttered.

"Full scan, let's learn all we can about them. Don't take us too close, Tom," Kathryn said.

All of the younger crewmembers groaned. "I know you're going to be old and most probably dead when Voyager gets home, but we want to be youngish and very much alive when we do," Jessie said.

"What she said," Danny said.

"This won't take long," Kathryn snapped.

Meanwhile, Cargo Bay 2:
Kes was busy putting beetle things on one of the plants. She then put her hand into the container and shoved a whole load of beetles into her mouth. After another handful she grinned in a scary hyper way, grabbed the other container and ran out giggling.

The Bridge:
Kathryn and Chakotay were at the station Danny and Samantha Wildman were at. "It looks like they get their food from space, they absorb nutrients," Chakotay said.

"Amazing," Kathryn gasped.

"The particle density in this region is pretty high, it explains why they keep moving so fast," Samantha said.

"Who here understood that?" Danny asked. Samantha, Kathryn and Chakotay stared at her. "Just me then," Danny joked.


End of Part I

Part II


Kes' Quarters:
Kes was busy again, stuffing her face with lots of different foods. The door chimed. "Bog off!" she yelled.

Neelix strolled in anyway. "Hi sweetie." He pulled out some flowers. "I'm sorry for before, you were right. I had no right to be jealous."

Kes rushed over to him. Neelix opened his arms, expecting a hug but instead Kes just snatched the flowers. "Whatever. Thanks, I'm starved," she said. She then started to eating the flowers.

"Kes what are you doing? You're not suppose to eat those!" Neelix exclaimed.

"Why not, they're really nice," Kes said with a mouth full of flowers.

"Ok, you're going to Sickbay," Neelix said, he grabbed Kes by the arms.

"No, I'm not going there!" Kes screamed. She picked up an apple and ate the whole thing.

"Yes you are, come on," Neelix said. He picked her up, she screamed really loudly.

"Rape, rape!" Kes screamed as they left the room.

The Bridge:
"Uh, Captain!" Tom yelled to get some attention.

"What is it Tom?" Kathryn asked.

"Those worms are pulling us closer," Tom replied.

"Space dwelling life.." Chakotay muttered.

"Space dwelling worms, moron," Jessie said.

"They're pulling us closer, how could they do that? They have no arms," Danny asked.

"How can worms hold bazooka's and UZI's, or how can banana's blow up an entire area, killing everyone? That's a good life mystery," Harry replied.

"That's a computer game Harry, but still it's a good point," Tom said.

"Hello? We're getting pulled into the worms. Suggest something people," Kathryn said.

"For starters we could put up red alert and maybe some shields," Danny said.

"Nonsense, what can little worms do to us?" Kathryn asked.

Meanwhile on the unlucky deck 13:
Sid was wandering around the deck, hoping for something painful to happen. A banana bounced over to him. He picked it up.

"I don't like bananas," he moaned. He then heard ticking coming from it. "Aaaw, cool!" Suddenly it blew up, taking the entire deck with it.

The Bridge:
"What was that?" Chakotay asked.

"Something just blew up, Sid was on that deck.. nobody else was," Harry replied.

"Oh, deck 13. He's the only one that willingly goes there," Chakotay said.

"I don't blame everyone, that's the second time this week he's caused something to blow up there," Danny said.

"This is worse than usual, the entire deck has been blown up," Harry said.

The ship shook lightly. Kathryn turned to Tom. "A small explosion hit one of the nearby worms, creatures. It's still alive, weird," he said.

"Captain, look at this," Chakotay said. Kathryn went over to Chakotay, Danny and Samantha at the science station. "One of the worms grew what looked like arms, and it threw something towards the one that got hit by an explosion."

"But there's no gravity, how did it do that?" Kathryn asked.

"There was a device on it that made it fly in the direction it was thrown," Samantha replied.

"Look, one's got a baseball bat.. cool!" Danny said in amazement.

"That creature went quite far didn't it, that shouldn't of happened," Kathryn said.

"Quite far? It's gone," Samantha said.

"Woah," everyone muttered.

The Doctor was scanning Kes, while Neelix was in his usual pestering mood. "Was there anything in the flowers, or the dirt?" he was asking.

"There are no toxics in her system," the Doctor sighed.

"Why is she eating all this weird food, what's wrong with her?" Neelix asked.

"Maybe she thinks the flowers and dirt taste better than the crap you serve," Lee replied.

"That can't be true. Doctor, what is wrong with her?" Neelix asked.

"I am trying to find out now," the Doctor groaned.

"Don't you have any idea?" Neelix asked.

"Lee is probably right, now shut up I'm trying to work," the Doctor replied.

"Don't talk to me like that baldy," Neelix growled.

"I can talk to you like that if you're annoying me. Now can you please leave, I can't concentrate with you around," the Doctor said.

"You're only a hologram, though," Neelix said.

"And you're a spotty and hairy weird guy, you don't see my complaining," the Doctor said.

Lee grinned, "fight fight fight."

"I can put you back into that tutu, so keep your comments to yourself," Neelix said.

"This is my Sickbay, I decide what goes on here, so get out!" the Doctor bellowed.

"But.. fine.." Neelix muttered. He stormed out.

The Bridge:
The ship shook gently again. "We've just been hit by one of those mini missiles, minimal damage," Tuvok said.

"Shouldn't we be fighting back now?" B'Elanna asked angrily.

"Shouldn't you be in Engineering," Jessie, who was sitting next to her, said. B'Elanna glared at her. "Ok, I'll shut up now."

"We can't fight back, goodness knows what kind of damage they'll receive," Kathryn said.

"They shouldn't of attacked us, should they?" B'Elanna grumbled.

Neelix stormed out of the turbolift, he went over to Kathryn. "Captain, I need to talk to you. It's an emergency," he said.

"What is it?" Kathryn asked, not paying attention at all.

"I've just been thrown out of Sickbay by that holographic smarty pants. I need to be with Kes, she's extremely ill and she needs me," Neelix replied.

Kathryn turned to him. "Kes is ill?"

"The Doctor has no idea what's wrong," Neelix replied.

The ship shook again. "Ok, they've just attacked us with a sheep, that's not right," Tom said.

"That poor sheep, probably bits of it will be used for Neelix's stew," Jessie said.

"I heard that," Neelix muttered.

In: "Sickbay to Janeway."

"Go ahead Doctor," Kathryn said.

In: "Can you please come to Sickbay, there's a small problem?"

"I'm on my way, Commander you have the Bridge," Kathryn replied. She and Neelix left the Bridge.

Kathryn and Neelix entered the room, the Doctor rushed over to them. When he did they both saw Kes inside the Doctor's office, throwing stuff around. "I tried to do some tests on her, but then she shrieked, pushed me out of the way and put a forcefield around the door. She's keeping me out of my own office," the Doctor said.

"Sweetie come out, I'll make a Leola root pie," Neelix said.

Kes looked at him, she laughed and put her middle finger up at him.

"I think you should let me try, Neelix," Kathryn said.

"I thought that would work," Neelix muttered.

"Kes listen to me, tell me what's wrong. I can help," Kathryn said.

"You help, that's a good one," Kes laughed.

"We think you're being affected by some space dwelling lifeforms. When we get away from them you'll probably feel better," Kathryn said.

"Don't be stupid woman, I'll only feel better in a week or so," Kes said.

"So you know what's wrong with you?" Kathryn asked.

"Yeah," Kes replied.

"Then tell us, what's wrong?" Kathryn asked.

"I've gone into the Elogium, I have to have a kid," Kes replied.

Kathryn turned to the Doctor. "Yes she has a lot of sugar in her system."

Kes grinned, "I ate sugar beetles."

"I hope those were sweets," Kathryn said.

"Well they tasted sweet," Kes said.

"So what do think you're going to achieve by putting a forcefield around yourself?" Kathryn asked.

"I thought Neelix would pester me even more if he found out," Kes replied.

"That's stupid I don't want a child now," Neelix said.

"Good, cos this is the only time I can have one. Bloody great," Kes said before collapsing.

"Oh great, now we'll never get in there," the Doctor said.

"Have you tried pressing this button?" Lee asked as he pressed a button on the console. Everyone turned to him. "What? You think there's no brain inside this pretty head? Wrong!"

"Forget that ever happened," Kathryn whispered.

"That's easy Captain," the Doctor said. He went over to the console, he fiddled with it. "What am I doing over here?" he asked when he was finished.

The Bridge:
"Report?" Kathryn ordered as she came onto the Bridge.

"No change, the creatures are still attacking us with those weird weapons," Chakotay said.

"Shields are still holding," Tuvok said.

"Oh we did remember to put those up," Danny said.

"Maintain red alert, I'll be in my Ready Room," Kathryn said. She headed towards her Ready Room, she turned to Chakotay. "Join me Commander?" Chakotay followed her, not looking sure about it.

"Well I never thought I'd see the day," Tom said.

"What?" Danny muttered.

"A worm just threw an old lady at another one, she blew up," Tom said.

"Riiiigggghhhtt," everyone muttered.

The Ready Room:
Chakotay and Kathryn sat down on the sofa. Chakotay had a square bowl with hardly anything in it. Kathryn had a bowl of coffee soup.

"Kes is hyper so she's taking it very well. I don't think she will have a child, but if she does it's mainly her choice," Kathryn said.

"Her and Neelix broke up so I doubt she'll want to have one with him," Chakotay said.

"Probably not. It seems convenient that all this has happened to Kes after our conversation earlier," Kathryn said.

"I hardly say that it's convenient.. ok yes it is convenient," Chakotay said.

"There aren't easy answers for everyone around here," Kathryn sighed.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Chakotay said. He finished off his square bowl thing. "I'd better go," he said as he stood up. He left the room before Kathryn had a chance to start her coffee drink.

The turbolift:
Chakotay was standing inside, the doors opened and Faye walked in. "Deck 9," she said. She and him both stood in silence for a while. Faye pulled a disgusted face, "you're in love with Janeway?"

Chakotay's eyes widened, "what, I didn't say that!"

Faye groaned, "you thought it. I can't help it, I'm sorry. Janeway?"

"Shut up, I hate her.. so just leave it," Chakotay snapped.

"Ok, but I wasn't saying.." Faye said.

"Shut up, I'm not listening," Chakotay said. The turbolift stopped, he stormed out.

"Eeew, Janeway," Faye moaned.

Kes' Quarters:
Neelix was walking backwards and forwards. Kes was sitting on the bed. "So, do you want to.." Neelix started to say.

"Eeeew, imagine what the kid would look like. No way, get lost!" Kes exclaimed.

"But, it doesn't matter what the child looks like," Neelix said.

"I guess but it'll probably be another you, eeew," Kes moaned.

"You're just hyper, you don't know what you're saying," Neelix said.

"Ugh, go away!" Kes yelled.

"Fine," Neelix muttered. He stormed out.

The Bridge:
"We can't stay here forever, any ideas?" Kathryn asked.

"These things are acting like worms like in the computer game, maybe we should use some tactics from that," Tom replied.

"But who knows the game that well?" Kathryn asked.

Chakotay was standing next to Tom again, not looking too chuffed. "So, what's your idea?" Kathryn asked.

"The only way to get out of this is either to destroy them all, surrender or let them push us out of the swarm," Faye replied.

"They won't let us leave, and we're not going to kill them," Kathryn said.

"Shame, I liked the second one," B'Elanna muttered.

"Thought so. I figured that we'd have to use the surrender option. They'll leave us alone until the battle is over, before then we may be able to get out," Faye said.

"So how do we make it look like we're surrendering?" Tom asked.

"We need something white outside the ship, like a flag," Faye replied.

"What the hell can we use for that to work?" Chakotay asked.

"Paint the ship?" Danny suggested. Everyone stared at her.

"Or even better, is there an escape button?" Faye asked.

"Escape button, like that'll work," Harry muttered.

"Somebody press it and we'll see," Faye said.

"I think the white flag idea is better, maybe we could use the deflector to fire a white beam at nothing. They might think we're surrendering then," Tom said.

"Good idea, do it," Kathryn ordered.

"Firing deflector," Tuvok said.

"Well?" Kathryn said questioningly.

"Nothing's happening," Tom said.

"Well we're being hailed," Harry said.

"Ookay, let's hear it," Kathryn said.

"Coward," a squeaky voice said.

"That's it?" Kathryn said as she turned to Faye.

Faye shrugged, "I've never properly surrendered before. Never saw that one coming."

The next day:
Captains Log Supplemental: Voyager has escaped from the creatures, and Kes has recovered from her false Elogium. I have been left wondering about any future children on this ship, but I'd rather think about coffee. Damn Chakotay..

The Ready Room:
The door chimed, Kathryn quickly put down her coffee soup and rushed over to her desk. "Come in!"

Samantha came in looking worried. "Captain I have to tell you something."

"What is it Ensign?" Kathryn asked.

"You have coffee all over your mouth," Samantha replied.

"Oooh goodie," Kathryn giggled. She wiped her mouth, she licked her hand.

Samantha pulled a disgusted face. "I'll make this quick. I'm pregnant, bye!" She then rushed out.

"I hate that word," Kathryn muttered. She shrugged and stuck into her secret coffee bag under the desk.

Will Kes live to regret missing doing the Elogium thing with Nee.. (snigger) sorry couldn't finish that sentence. Since when are there such things as sugar beetles? Why were the worms from the Worms games doing in space? And will Faye tell anyone about Chakotay's secret?
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of B4 Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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