Harry Kim's personal log, we're once again back to parodying Monkey Island even though I did bribe both writers with Cherry Coke. Doing that must of made their mood even worse, but anyway. Our shuttle has been travelling for days now, we have no idea where we are going but we had no idea where we were going to start with.
Lisa Lillis' personal log, I am really close to slapping Harry in the face. He is really starting to get on my nerves. Everytime he says we're going to get attacked, we do. Why can't he say something like 'we are going to find our way back' or 'the writers have changed the season listings again'? Useless I tell ya, he's useless.
Nichola Young's personal log, this is my first one so I have no idea what to do. I guess I could rant on about how small this shuttle is. I mean this shuttle is used for long missions so why doesn't it have bedrooms. I'm so sick of having to sleep on the floor, and it's really embarrassing to do other things too. Wait, how personal is this log?
Emma Goldsbrough's personal log, I'm bored, I need Cherry Coke, Craig is going to die a painful death if he doesn't shut up. So is Harry, he tried to bribe the writers with Cherry Coke, now we don't have any. And if Nikki doesn't stop obsessing about the guys she left in her cupboard then I'm going to find a way to kill her.
Craig Anderson's personal log, everyone else is doing logs so I may as well too. I'm so sick of these parodies, if this is a Monkey Island parody why is there no Elaine, ie Lena. Oh I really miss her, she comes at a price.. a really dodgy and dangerous family, but she's worth it. If only I could...
The shuttle shook madly as lots of phaser fire hit them. "Damn it, why couldn't I finish my log!" Craig yelled.
"Oh please, it was the most boring of the lot," Nikki said.
Raichu appeared in a puff of smoke looking annoyed. "Do you mind, the attack is supposed to start then my theme animation starts."
The cast looked at each other scared stiff. "This is the worst part," Lisa said.
"Are you sure, the main villain in a tutu was pretty bad," Harry said.
Raichu tapped her foot impatiently. "Ah hem!"
"Oh right," everyone muttered.
The camera changed to the space view, the episode title came on the screen.. which looked a bit more impressive than the previous two attempts. The camera view changes to show lots of tiny cartoon versions of the whole cast dancing away to the groovy music. The music plays for a long long time.
Vulpix, not animated, jumped onto the dance floor. "Wait a minute, Raichu? How the hell did you make an animation this good?"
Raichu walked onto the dance floor and stood opposite her. "I kidnapped some proper people to do the job." Right on cue a police siren was heard and a police car drove up beside them. Some police officers jumped out and put Raichu in cuffs.
"You're under arrest for kidnapping and helping to cause insanity to everyone who's read FV from Year of Hell onwards," one cop said.
"Yep, that's a damn shame," Vulpix said innocently.
"Hey, she's a writer too!" Raichu screamed as she was dragged away.
"I haven't even been around an entire season yet, yeesh," Vulpix said.
The cops put Raichu into the car. As they did she screamed, "just wait a few more episodes!" The car pulled off.
"Soooo, what now?" animated Craig asked.
"Back to battle, come on people. Chop chop," Vulpix replied. Everyone sighed, they all left the dance floor looking all pouty. The rest of the music went to really high speed, it ended in a few seconds.
"Fire!" Buck yelled.
The Tolg ship fired on the shuttle again. Buck then fiddled with the comm panel. "Voyager shuttle, I demand you let me talk to Lisa now."
"Wow he's polite, what did you do to deserve him Lis?" Craig asked. Lisa came over to his console with a menacing look on her face. Craig quickly went over to her old console.
Harry pressed a button to open a channel, he nodded at Lisa. "How many times do I have to tell you Buck, I just don't feel that way about you," she said.
In: "So, you'll learn to love me. Beam over here and I'll make you an immortal Tolg like myself."
"Been there, done that," Nikki muttered.
"I can't believe it, I'm so sorry, I'm staring at a wall tonight," Lisa said sarcastically. She pressed the fire button.
In: "Forget your wall woman, can't you see.. ahem, hear that this poor old ex Tolg pines for your very gentle caress."
The shuttle shook again. "You know I don't think my father would approve of me dating a dead guy," Lisa said, she pressed fire again. "You're probably a too nicer ballet dancer anyway." Once again she fired. "Let's just be friends instead." Yep you guessed it, she fired again.
In: "Aaaaarrrgghh, son of a.." The shuttle shook again.
"There is something called evasive maneuvers, use em!" Harry yelled at Craig.
"Let's face it Buck, you're a weird, disgusting, annoying, tutu obsessed, gay little man, and that's not what I'm looking for in a relationship right now," Lisa said.
"You can tell this isn't her first time," Harry whispered to Nikki. She giggled.
In: "Damn your riddles you stupid female, what do you mean?"
"Let me see. You tried to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend at the time when you tried to commit. You also tried to kill my best friend in the whole universe, Craig," Lisa replied.
"Aaaw, best friend," Craig sighed.
"Keep your eye on the road, Craig!" Lisa yelled.
In: "Craig Anderson!"
"Oops," Craig muttered.
"Hehehe, what an idiot," Emma laughed.
"Damn it!" Emma groaned. Both Emma and Craig dematerialised. The others stared blankly at where they had disappeared.
"Hey, what's going on?" Harry asked.
"We're in a battle, Buck wants Lisa again, he took Craig and Emma.. yep I'm confused," Nikki replied.
"Shut up, he's so stupid he probably forgot about me," Lisa said.
"Aaah, Craig Anderson, Emma. I don't know why you and my Lisa are always in teams together, but this is the last time," Buck said.
"Thank god he's not wearing that tutu again," Emma whispered. Craig nodded in agreement.
Buck turned to his ex Tolg minions. "Throw them in with our volunteer, he'll keep an eye on them until I feel up to killing them." Some of the minions took Craig and Emma away. "Now, prepare the voodoo torpedo."
"The what?" everyone asked.
"I made it up, duh! Get it invented now!" Buck yelled. Everyone groaned, they all went on their merry way.
PART ONE: What's the point in naming this, it's only a few measly scenes long?
Emma and Craig were pushed into a weapons room. A guy was manning a phaser array.
"We have to get off this ship," Craig whispered.
"No I want to stay here forever," Emma whispered sarcastically.
"All we have to do is overpower the guards and use their transporters," Craig whispered.
The phaser guy turned around, "quit planning to escape, you're ruining my concentration."
"Izan? What are you doing here?" Craig asked.
"Ohno, hello Mr Anderson," Izan muttered.
"How on earth did you get on this ship? The last time I saw you was on Scabbia," Craig asked.
"Well I was a bit teed off with that black haired guy for shooting me, I wanted to get revenge," Izan replied.
"Uh.." Craig muttered.
"Don't worry, no revenge on you Mr Anderson," Izan said.
"But you aren't Tolg," Emma said.
Craig glanced at Emma. "You were part of a Tolg crew and you weren't a Tolg."
Emma laughed, "oh yeah."
"Can you um, help us escape?" Craig asked.
"Don't be stupid," Izan replied. He pointed a gun at them.
"Izan, I thought you didn't hate us," Craig said.
"One more word and I'll blow your arses off!" Izan yelled.
"You don't have the guts," Emma said.
"Oh I do," Izan said. His hand started shaking.
"Really, go on then," Craig said.
Izan burst out crying, "you're right. I can't do it, I'm not a bad person."
"Uh, can you let us go then?" Craig asked.
"No, I hate you all!" Izan cried. He went into the corner to cry more.
"Looks like we'll have to sabotage," Craig said.
"Oooh, I like it," Emma said.
shuttle, a little while later:
Lisa was once again arguing with Buck over the commlink. Harry was teaching Nikki how to play the card game Forty Thieves.
"So why can't I move two cards at once then, they're not blocked," Nikki asked.
"Because it's the rules! It's probably using a similar rule system to Freecell when you've filled up the spaces at the top," Harry replied angrily.
"Yeah but if you played the game with proper cards you could move them," Nikki said.
Harry covered his face with his hand, he groaned. "It's still the rules. If you could play like the way you want to the game will be too easy."
"Freecell wasn't easy," Nikki said.
"Ugh, I give up! I'll teach you how to play Carpet," Harry said.
"Carpet isn't on the computer," Nikki said.
"No it's on the floor, stare at it and shut up," Harry said.
"Oh ok," Nikki said cheerfully. She stared at the floor.
"Wow, I can't believe she fell for that," Harry muttered to himself.
"Hey, don't you dare hang up on me!" Lisa yelled at the computer.
"I thought you wanted to get rid of him," Harry said.
"It's a matter of principle," Lisa said.
"The 'voodoo' torpedo is ready, sir," a minion said.
Buck smiled evilly. "Now with the voodoo torpedo I will blast my girl to another world. That'll show how much I care."
"Um, yes sir," the minion muttered. The others shrugged their shoulders.
There was a huge explosion nearby which caused the ship to shake violently. "My god that was a close one," Buck said.
"Sir the explosion has set off the torpedo but it hasn't been ejected. Do you know what this means?" a minion panicked.
"Uh.. no," Buck replied.
"Yeesh, maybe I should be the main villain in these episodes," another minion muttered.
"It means we're going to die, again," the first minion said.
"Oh.." Buck muttered.
Suddenly the ship blew up, a huge shockwave knocked the shuttle and it went flying. Of course it hurtled towards a nearby planet that wasn't there before. Debris and a few escape pods seemed to follow them.
on the planet:
Lisa, Nikki and Harry were standing on a beach, staring at what was left of the shuttle.
"Maybe we should rename the shuttles," Nikki muttered.
"I can't believe this, Craig and Emma are dead," Lisa said quietly.
Harry was turning redder by the second. "This can't be happening again!"
"Yeah I mean Craig and Emma have died at least once this season already," Nikki said. Lisa glared at her. "Oh yeah, technically Emma died in Season Two, didn't she?"
"Will you shut the hell up, you minx!" Harry yelled. He stormed off into the woods.
Nikki turned to Lisa, "minx?"
"Ugh forget it," Lisa groaned.
Something suddenly splashed in the nearby water which made the two girls jump in shock.
"Emma, you're hurting my arm!" a familiar voice yelled.
"It's too deep to walk, I'll sink!" another familiar voice yelled.
"Is that Emma and Craig?" Lisa asked. She and Nikki turned to the ocean and they saw two figures coming towards them.
"Yep, this is weird," Nikki replied.
Emma and Craig reached the beach looking water logged. "Craig, Emma, how did you..?" Lisa asked.
"We got into an escape pod just before the ship blew," Craig replied.
"Oh so that's what landed in the ocean," Lisa said.
"Yep, hey where's Harry?" Emma asked.
"He was a bit mad cos he thought you were dead, he went into the woods," Lisa replied.
"I'd better go find him," Emma said. She went into the woods.
"So how did the ship explode?" Lisa asked.
"We broke through the door, to get another weapon we had to hold back some girl who was holding a massive ring. Anyway we destroyed one of the phaser things," Craig replied.
"Hmm not bad," Lisa said.
"Look what I stole," Craig said slyly, he pulled out a massive diamond ring. "So which one of you girls would do me the honour?"
"Me!" Nikki and Lisa both yelled in unison. Lisa snatched the ring out of Craig's hand, she and Nikki started to play tug and war with it.
"Ok I was only joking," Craig muttered.
"Give me the ring Nikki!" Lisa yelled.
"No, I've never had a ring in my life!" Nikki yelled back.
"Just replicate one when we get back!" Lisa yelled.
There was a blinding flash of light, Craig covered his eyes. The light went down, Craig uncovered his eyes and he was faced by a strange sight, Lisa and Nikki had turned into gold!
"Oh crap," Craig muttered. He started to panic, he looked around nervously. "Emma? Harry?" he whimpered. He ran off into the woods.
PART TWO: I'm a Fifth Voyager character, get me outta here!
Emma spotted Harry standing next to a tree which a chicken like thing was sitting next to. "Er Harry?" Emma said.
Harry turned around looking shocked. "Emma, how did you survive?"
"We found an escape pod, are you ok?" Emma replied.
"Yeh, you got me really worried," Harry said.
"Aaaaw, poor Harry," Emma said as she patted Harry on the shoulder.
Something hard hit Harry on the head and landed next to his feet. "What the hell was that?" Harry asked as he rubbed his head.
Emma and Harry looked at the ground and they saw a skull lying in the sand. "Cool!" Emma giggled.
"How is this cool, puny mortal!" the skull yelled.
"Ok, this doesn't make any sense," Harry muttered.
"Yeah, how can that thing talk without well, anything?" Emma asked.
"I dunno, that guy seems to be doing ok without a brain," the skull replied.
Emma laughed while Harry just pouted. "So, who are you?" Emma asked.
"I am Murray an evil demonic guy, your foe for this episode," the skull replied.
"Really, that's nice," Harry muttered.
"Is that a house over there?" Emma asked as she pointed into the distance.
"Some useless old woman lives there, she kept bugging our crew," Murray replied.
"Great, why does that sound familiar?" Harry asked.
"I dunno, it doesn't sound familiar to me," Emma replied.
"Oh right," Emma muttered.
"Ah ha! Once again I am not useless!" the voodoo lady yelled.
"Yeah but if you think about it, we don't actually need you. In the game talking to you triggers everything, but that's all part of computer programming. We once again, just steal from you," Harry said.
"No, I can be useful, I can tell you what's happened to Lisa and Nikki," the voodoo lady said.
"Oh great, what's happened to those two this time?" Harry groaned.
"What do you mean?" the voodoo lady asked.
"Well in the first parody they got kidnapped by Buck, in the second parody they were taken to Malain's own personal theme park. What's in store for the third and fourth?" Harry replied.
"I could tell you," the voodoo lady said.
"Just tell us what's happened to them now, it'll spoil the 'fun' in the fourth parody," Harry said.
"Lisa and Nikki both fought over a diamond ring, now they've turned into solid gold," the voodoo lady said.
"But I touched that ring, so did Craig and nothing happened," Emma said.
"Well in order for that curse to work the girls have to be proposed to beforehand," the voodoo lady said.
Harry and Emma both tried not to laugh. "Craig proposed to both of them?" Emma said.
"As a joke," the voodoo lady said.
"Oh well, it's still something we have to blackmail him with later," Harry said.
"Yeah, so long fat lady," Emma said. She and Harry turned to leave.
"Wait, don't you want to know the cure!" the voodoo lady yelled.
"Ok, what is it?" Harry asked.
"You need a much bigger diamond ring, that isn't cursed, the diamond just has to go into contact with them both for it to work," the voodoo lady replied.
"Ok, seeya," Harry said.
"There's only one bigger than that ring. I won't tell if you leave," the voodoo lady said.
Emma and Harry turned around looking bored. "Ok, you know where it is?" Harry said.
"It's on an island called Massacre Island," the voodoo lady said.
"Love the name," Emma said.
"Ok, now can we go?" Harry asked.
"No, I could tell you the story about the ring you're looking for," the voodoo lady replied.
"Run for it," Harry whispered. He and Emma ran out of the building.
"Wait, come back!" the voodoo lady yelled.
Harry ran back in, stole the super glue on the floor, and ran back out.
Emma and Harry found Craig near Murray. "You must join me on my evil quest to take over the universe," Murray was saying.
"I didn't do it on purpose," Craig moaned.
"Good, say that and everyone may fall for it," Murray said.
"Craig, are you currently engaged with some kind of activity?" Harry asked. He and Emma burst out laughing.
"Huh? I don't know what you're talking about," Craig said nervously.
Harry and Emma stopped laughing, they glanced at each other. "Wait, did Lisa and Nikki really get turned into gold? We thought it was a joke," Emma asked.
"No, of course not," Craig replied, looking more nervous than before.
"Does this mean we have to start solving pointless puzzles?" Harry asked.
"Seems like it," Emma muttered.
"Ok, we need to get to the next island. We have no shuttle and no idea where this dumb island is," Harry said.
"Huh, what do we have to do?" Craig asked.
"Find a ring bigger than the other one, still don't get how a ring can turn someone into gold though," Harry replied.
Craig shrugged. "As long as it wasn't my fault, I don't care how."
"It kinda was," Emma said.
"Oh son of a.." Craig groaned.
"Yeah so we'll give you the hardest task of the lot," Harry said.
"And what's that?" Craig asked.
"You have to go and get a ship, in other words steal one," Harry replied.
"Oh yeah, a one man army. That'll work," Craig said sarcastically.
Emma and Harry ignored him. "I'll go and get Lisa and Nikki and put them somewhere safe, Emma you find out where this island is. Ok, let's split up," Harry said.
"Question," Emma said as she raised her hand.
"What?" Harry muttered.
"Why do you get the easy job?" Emma asked.
"Well I hardly call dragging two gold statues of Nikki and Lisa across half an island easy," Harry replied.
"I guess not," Emma muttered.
"Ok, split up people," Harry said.
"You know it would be easier if Voyager and the Enterprise hadn't of gone on that mission," Craig said.
"Stop moaning, if we hadn't of brought you we wouldn't be in this mess," Harry said.
"I guess not," Craig said.
of Part I
little while later:
Harry arrived on the beach, Lisa and Nikki were now gone and an old fashioned ship sailed away. "Oh just great," he muttered.
on the other side of the island:
The same ship was floating right near the cold shadowed beach. Craig was walking along it, kicking sand angrily as he did. "It's always my fault, it's never his fault.." he grumbled. He looked up and he saw the ship. He spotted a plank hanging off the side of the ship.
"I remember this. I have to get rid of the plank, can't remember why but I have to do that," Craig said to himself. He pulled out his phaser, that for some odd reason he didn't have before. He aimed it at the plank, it fired. He heard a small scream, a monkey like creature fell off the side and went into the water. "Ooops," Craig muttered. He fired again, this time he got the plank. Then he climbed up into the ship.
The deck was empty, but he heard voices coming from behind one of the doors. He went to hide but the door opened to reveal a weird looking guy.
"Hey, who are you?" the guy asked.
"Craig, I'm just here to steal your ship," Craig replied.
"Really? There's only one of you," the guy said.
"That's what I said, but would he listen?" Craig said.
"Well I'd better ask my captain what should be done with you," the guy said. He looked behind him, and turned back. "How do you know the plank was destroyed sir, you're all the way in there? Oh well, there's only one punishment, tar and feathers," the guy said.
"Um, does it hurt?" Craig asked.
"No not really," the guy replied.
on another beach:
Emma went up to a small stall. "Got any Cherry Coke?"
"No, but we do have something better than that. Cheery Coke," the stall guy replied.
"What's in that?" Emma asked.
"Alcohol, mostly. It's called Cheery cos it makes everyone happy, well until they start a fight with someone," the stall guy replied.
"Ok, I'll try some of that," Emma said. The guy handed her a very small bottle. She quickly drank it, when she finished she looked completely wasted.
"Would you like another?" the stall guy asked.
"Maybe later, gotta go play now," Emma replied. She drunkenly walked out of the shade. She nearly tripped over a guy sunbathing.
"Ey babe, watch where you're walking," the guy said.
"Woah, that sand's talking," Emma said.
"I'm a guy, babe," the guy said angrily.
"Oh cool," Emma said.
"Now that you're here get me a drink," the guy said.
"You can have some Cheery Coke, it's really nice," Emma said.
"Ok babe," the guy said.
Emma and the guy were sitting next to each other drunkenly singing, sitting next to a couple bottles of Cheery Coke. "Ain't nobody," Emma sang, she pointed at the guy.
"Nobody babe," the guy sang.
"Loves me better," Emma sang.
"Loves me better," the guy sang.
"Makes me happy," Emma sang.
"So happy," the guy sang.
"Makes me feel this way," Emma sang.
Suddenly a strange creature with lots of feathers walked onto the beach. It spotted Emma, it shook it's head. "Oh dear god," Craig's voice came from it.
"Ain't nobody," Emma sang.
"Nobody," the guy sang.
"Loves me better than you," they both sang.
"What have you two been on?" Craig asked.
Emma and the guy looked up at Craig, their eyes widened. "Ok, I think we better cut down babe," the guy said.
"Uh huh," Emma laughed.
Craig groaned. "Yeah good idea, this is so embarrassing." He walked off.
"Ey, that sounded like Craig," Emma said. She threw one of the bottles away, it smashed against an innocent guy's back.
"So what you doing?" the guy asked.
"I have to find Massacre Island, lots of massacres there, hehe," Emma replied.
"I have a map on my back, it's way groovy, babe," the guy said.
"Yey, you're coming with us!" Emma squealed.
"Yey!" the guy yelled as he stood up. He dropped to the ground, and fell unconscious.
island's town centre:
Harry wandered into a hair dressers. He turned to go, as he did he bumped into Craig. He backed off with a scared look on his face. "What drugs has Neelix been putting in his food," Harry said. He walked out.
"Phew, thank god he didn't recognise me," Craig said. He then noticed everyone in the hair dressers were coming towards him with sharp weapons. "Uhoh, not safe yet," he said. He ran out.
Harry walked into a large building, which turned out to be a theatre. He didn't notice until he strolled onto the stage. On the stage was some really fat guy, and an even fatter guy in a pink dress. He quickly turned back around, when he did he tripped over some prop. He saw something gold underneath it. "Well that was easy," he said.
Craig stumbled into another building, a little guy came up to him. "Welcome to KFC, can I take your... oh my god! It's a giant chicken!" the guy yelled.
"Uh.." Craig muttered.
The guy pulled out a big pan, he smacked him over the head. He landed in a large bucket.
Craig woke up, still inside the bucket but with less of the feathers. He appeared to be inside the ship with the weird looking guy, and a big fat chimp thing.
"Ok, why would I end up here?" Craig asked himself.
"Yes Captain Chimp, I will take care of it now," the guy said.
"Hmm," Craig muttered. He cleared his throat. "Hey Captain, aren't you Chakotay's brother?"
The weird guy screamed, "we're doomed!" He ran out.
The chimp looked even more confused, it jumped out of the window nearby Craig. "Erm ok, well at least I got a ship."
PART THREE: Part what babe?
Craig, Emma, Harry and the babe guy were standing on the deck. "Ok, we'll set out for Massacre Island just as soon as the map turns around," Harry said.
"I ain't turning around for no one babe," the babe guy said.
"But we need to see the map, I've got more Cheery Coke," Emma said.
"Ok," the babe guy said. He turned around, everyone looked at the map.
"Ok we're stumped," Harry said.
"Huh, why?" Emma asked.
"We don't know where we are to start with," Harry replied.
"We're there babe," the babe guy said as he pointed his finger at his back.
"Wow, he must know that map off by heart," Emma said.
"Either that or he's just pointed at the wrong place cos he can't reach the right place," Craig said.
"No babe, I know this map like the back of my hand," the babe guy said.
"Ookay, can we give you a name. The babe guy is starting to get annoying," Harry said.
"Ok babe, call me Lukikiatarin," the babe guy said.
Everyone stared blankly at him. "How about we just call you Luki?" Emma said.
"That's fine with me babe," Luki said.
"Ok would you stop calling her that," Harry said.
"Ok babe," Luki said.
"I think he calls everyone that," Craig said.
"Well I never," Harry muttered.
"Um who's driving the ship?" Emma asked.
"Luki can, he knows the map better than we can understand it after all," Harry replied.
"Right babe," Luki said. He went over to the wheel.
"Oh Emma, we're going to be travelling for a while, so I was just wondering.." Harry said.
"Is that another ship?" Craig asked.
"Wondering what?" Emma asked.
"I was wondering if you'd want to go out sometime," Harry replied.
"Hey they're following us," Craig said.
"Not now, right?" Emma said questioningly.
"Right, when we get back to Voyager," Harry said.
"Crap, they're firing something at us!" Craig yelled. The ship shook a couple of times.
"Yeah ok, where are we going to go?" Emma asked.
"They're boarding us, guys help me out here!" Craig yelled as some guys jumped onto the deck.
"We could make a new holodeck program," Harry replied.
Some big bald guy came onto the deck, he pointed a sword at Craig's face. "Give me the map to Massacre Island."
"No way," Craig said.
"What kind of holodeck program?" Emma asked.
"Would you rather have a sword in your eye?" the guy asked.
"Ok fine, that's the guy with the map," Craig replied as he pointed at Luki. He came over.
"What's up babe?" Luki asked.
"Anything you want," Harry said.
"You're the map," the guy muttered.
"Yeah babe," Luki said.
"Ok you can keep him, see ya," the guy said. He rushed back onto his ship, the others followed. The ship sailed away.
"Ok, sounds good," Emma said.
"That was sure weird," Craig muttered.
"No it wasn't babe. He's an old school mate of mine," Luki said.
"Ok so it's settled. Let's find out what Craig was yelling about," Harry said. He and Emma turned to Craig and Luki. "What's going on?"
"Nothing now, get back to hitting on Emma," Craig replied.
"Yeah babe," Luki said.
"Uh what's that?" Emma said nervously.
"What's what?" Harry asked.
"That," Emma replied as she pointed at a large island in front of them.
"Oh that's Massacre Island babe," Luki said.
"Why was that guy looking for a map when the island was in front of him?" Craig asked.
"He was the dumbest guy in the class babe," Luki replied.
"That's really nice, can you slow us down so we don't crash?" Harry asked.
"No babe," Luki replied.
"Oh ok," Harry said. Everyone stared at the island in awe for a few minutes. "Wait a minute, somebody slow the ship down!"
"It's a bit late now," Craig said.
"Hey I can see a guy through that window, hi!" Emma yelled.
"Uhoh, that's not good," Harry muttered. The ship then crashed right into the house.
PART FOUR: Why not just replicate one?
"Ok, this parody is really dragging so.." Harry said.
"No it's not, we're over half way through and it's not even 80kb yet," Craig said.
"As I was saying. We need to find that diamond ring, so let's ask around," Harry said.
"If you do your maths, this episode will be bigger than the previous parodies if we keep going like this, Craig," Emma said.
"Not necessarily. Each parts are different lengths," Craig said.
"Oh shut up. Let's go and ask around," Harry said.
"Right babe," Luki said.
"Do we really need him still?" Harry asked.
"Yep, we need to find our way back to fix the shuttle," Craig replied.
"Damn," Harry muttered.
The gang were busy talking to a bartender. "It's a sad tale in my family's history that," the bartender said.
"Ugh, we need a fast forward button," Harry said.
"Here babe," Luki said. He handed Harry a remote. He pressed fast forward. He pressed play after a while.
"Her fiancée stole the diamond off the ring, and sold it to smugglers on Bunny Island," the bartender said.
"Bunny Island, sounds scary," Emma said.
"Yes indeed. Anyway my great aunt died of a broken heart not long afterwards. Some say she haunts the family crypt," the bartender said.
"You can't die of a broken heart, bozo," Craig said.
"Are you starting boy?" the bartender asked angrily.
"No sir," Craig stuttered.
"So how would we able to get a hold of the engagement band?" Harry asked.
"You'd have to die, of course," the bartender replied.
"But Harry, the voodoo lady said that we just need the diamond to cure Lisa and Nikki," Emma said.
"Oh right, that's good. We don't have to solve as many puzzles," Harry said.
"Hang on, where is Bunny Island?" Craig asked.
"That's the neighbouring island. You can see it from that window," the bartender replied.
Everyone turned to the window, they saw a small island in the distance.
"How do we get there?" Harry asked.
"Get a boat there of course, how hard can it be, yeesh," the bartender replied. He turned around and started to wash some glasses.
"If there's another puzzle to solve to get the ship I will scream," Harry muttered.
little while later:
The bartender jumped a mile as an ear piercing screamed went around the entire island.
on the shore:
"Harry!" Emma yelled.
"Oh sorry," Harry muttered.
"It's ok Harry, we only need some cash to pay him," Craig said.
"We don't have any," Harry said.
"I do babe," Luki said. He handed some cash to the guy in the boat.
"God, aren't we lucky to have him?" Emma said.
"Are we what about me babe?" Luki asked.
"Wow, I just noticed his name sounds like the word lucky," Craig said.
"Bravo," Harry muttered.
"Ooh, doesn't this island look so evil?" the boat guy said.
"Not really, it looks nothing like a rabbit," Emma said.
"Since when are rabbits scary anyway?" Harry asked.
"They just are," Emma replied.
"Isn't that Janeway? It looks like her big nose," Craig said.
"Er anyway, the smugglers cave is half way down the cliff face. A lift at the top will probably help you get down there," the boat guy said.
top of the cliff:
"Sure I'll take you down, you know this is my first time," some little boy said.
"Make Craig go first," everyone but Craig said.
"Hey," Craig moaned. Emma pushed him onto the lift, the little boy turned a lever and he disappeared. All you could hear was screaming.
"Did he make it?" Harry asked.
Emma looked over the side, "no. He landed on the boat."
"Make Luki try, he's lucky right," Harry said.
Emma pushed Luki onto the lift next, once again all you could hear was screaming. "Aaarrrrrgghhhh baaaabbeee!" he screamed.
"He landed on the boat," Emma said.
"Fine, I'll try," Harry groaned. Emma pushed him on the lift. "You didn't have to do that," he said just before he disappeared. Emma watched him go, she cringed when he landed right on a pointy rock.
"Fourth time lucky," the little boy said.
"Uh, yeah.." Emma muttered. She pushed herself onto the lift. She didn't fall off, she landed outside the cave safely. "Hmm, those three must be too fat." She walked into the cave.
"Ah we have an unwelcome guest. What can we do for you young lady?" some bald guy asked.
Emma looked around the whole room, there was lots of gold stuff there. "Uh, there's only you and me here. Why did you say we?" Emma replied.
"I was talking about all my friends here," the bald guy said.
"Uh huh, I'm looking for a diamond," Emma said.
"I have plenty of those, what size?" the bald guy asked.
"The biggest," Emma replied.
"I'm afraid we cannot give that one away," the bald guy said.
"I could pay you," Emma said.
"I'm afraid you don't look like the kind of person who'd have lots of money," the bald guy said.
"I could pay you with these Cheery Coke bottles," Emma said.
"Do you really think you can get a diamond worth lots of money by just giving me alcohol," the bald guy said. Emma nodded.
Emma strolled over to the guys. "Well?" Harry said questioningly.
"I got the diamond," Emma said smugly.
"How?" Craig asked.
Somebody fell from the cave and landed in the sea. "You pushed the smuggler off the cliff?" Harry said.
"No, I was here when he fell. I just gave him all the Cheery Coke," Emma said.
"Good enough, let's go," Harry said.
on another Tolg ship:
Somehow Buck was still alive, if you call it alive, and he was surrounded by other ex Tolgs. "Have you found them yet?"
"Yes we have, yes we have," a hyper Tolg guy replied.
"Did you capture them?" Buck asked.
"Yes we did, yes we did," the hyper guy replied.
"Then where are they!?" Buck yelled.
"Uh.. oh crap!" the hyper guy said.
"You let them escape!?" Buck yelled.
"No, we forgot to capture them," the hyper guy said. Buck threw a plate at the hyper guy, it cut his head off really easily.
"Um sir, he was the only one who knew where Lisa was," another Tolg said.
"Oh screw it, I give up for this episode. Just make sure I'm in a lot in the next one," Buck said angrily.
Harry, Emma, Craig and Luki were onboard the damaged ship, nearby Lisa and Nikki. Emma got out the diamond, she put it against the two gold girls. There was a blinding flash of light, afterwards the two were fighting over the ring like they were before. Suddenly the ring turned into dust.
"Huh, what's going on?" Lisa asked.
"Yeah, where are we?" Nikki asked.
"Just give them the actual game and let's get out of here," Harry replied.
"We can't, the ship's broken.." Craig said.
In: "Voyager to awayteam. We thought we'd conveniently come back for you now."
"Aren't you supposed to be on that mission, you know the one about the witch?" Harry asked.
In: "Do you want to mention the next episode or get rescued?"
"Get rescued," the entire team replied.
And so the crappiest parody of the Monkey Island games comes to a close. Of course I call it crappy cos I wasn't in as much, but what are you going to do. Now I'm off to do some narrating work on B4FV, bye fans!
"Shut the hell up!" Harry yelled. He picked up a mallet and smashed the computer where the voice was coming from. "A job well done," he said, he walked away.
What mess will Lisa and Nikki get into in the next Monkey Island parody? Why did Voyager make an appearance when it wasn't supposed to? Why was this one much shorter than the previous two parodies? How did Raichu kidnap all those people? Since when is there a KFC in the Delta Quadrant? And how did Luki know what the map looked like if he can't see his own back?
Find out the answers to just one of these questions in the next installment of Fifth Voyager!