Why oh Why

Episode Synopsis
Tom finds out the secret about Duncan, and he spreads his own version of what happened among the crew. Meanwhile a time of Tani's life comes back to haunt her when she starts to get disturbing messages from an unknown member of the crew

Guest Stars
Marill as herself
Charizard as himself
Jeff Hardy as Ashley
Matt Hardy as Steve
Dwayne Johnson as Mick\The Stone
Annoying guy with scars on his face as Michael Sullivan

Written By
Marill & Charizard

Written
8th & 9th December 2001

Episode Based In
December 2377

 

The Readyroom:
Kathryn was sitting at her desk drinking her fifth cup of coffee. The entire room smelled of coffee. Kathryn breathed in the smell of coffee and she smiled. She took another sip from her cup.

The door chimed. Kathryn put the cup down and she leaned back in her chair. "Come in," she said.

Neelix strode in through the main door, with his usual grin planted on his face.

"Captain, I have a wonderful idea," he said cheerfully.

"What is it?" she asked, already dreading the idea.

"Well you know that a lot of the crew are making more enemies than friends lately, so I thought up a perfect way to get people back together," Neelix said.

"What is it?" Kathryn repeated.

"A Christmas Party, Christmas is only eighteen days away," Neelix said.

"That is a wonderful idea, Neelix. But how will it get people back together?" Kathryn asked.

"Well it's the Christmas season, Captain. The spirit of Christmas may help," Neelix replied.

"Good, whatever. When are you planning it?" Kathryn asked.

"Tomorrow night, all non human crewmembers will also be encouraged to join the festivities," Neelix replied.

"Fine, notify the crew," Kathryn said.

The Mess Hall:
"I suppose music will be a good addition to the party," Neelix muttered.

"Of course, without music, a party is boring," Lena said.

"Yes, but a band has to be performing all the time, you surely cannot stay on the stage for a couple of hours," Neelix said.

"Well it would work more if there were another band. I think we'll just have to perform for the usual hour and a half," Craig said.

Kiara, Naomi and Bryan walked over to the group.

"Hey Neelix, we couldn't help but eavesdrop on your conversation with PokéCrap, and I think we have come up with a plan," Kiara said.

"PokéCrap? You little piece of s**t!" Lena grumbled. Craig, James and Jessie had to hold her back.

"Get with the Christmas spirit girls. What is your plan?" Neelix asked.

"Well Craig said that it'd work more if there were another band, so.... " Naomi replied.

"So... what?" Neelix said questioningly.

"Pulse are at your service," Bryan, Kiara and Naomi said in unison.

"You guys, a band, that's a good one," Lena laughed.

"Pulse?" Jessie said questioningly

"Yeah, that's the name. Oh come on, it's better than PokéBall," Kiara said.

"PokéBall happens to be just one of our band names, we have a stage only name," Lena said.

"Do we?" the rest of the band said questioningly

"Really, what's the stage only name then?" Naomi asked.

"Er... " Lena muttered. She looked around the room for inspiration. None came. She thought, "Virus, Cosmos, Black Hole, Cherry, Orphans, Hyper..."

"We're waiting," Kiara muttered.

"Our stage only name is Virus," Lena said.

Kiara groaned, and rolled her eyes. "Lovely name, Lena, it suits you perfectly," she said and she walked off.

"Hey, that's not bad. I wonder why Kiara's acting so bitter about all this," Bryan said.

"She's been like this ever since the last episode, she's in a huff with a few of us," Lena replied.

The next night:
The room was decorated with tons of tinsel and flashing Christmas lights. The lights had been switched off so the Christmas lights were leaving a beautiful colourful glow around the whole room. Neelix's kitchen was covered in lots of party food. All of the large tables had been removed. The small tables were near the large sofa chairs in the corner of the room, and by the window. A stage had been set up at the left side of the room. Disco lights were illuminating the entire stage.

Pulse were performing yet another ballad. They were singing 'We Belong To The Sea' by Aqua. Kiara was standing behind a microphone on a stand. She was gently swaying to the slow yet beautiful background music. Bryan and Naomi were behind microphones on stands behind her. Kiara was miming to the main vocal.

Kathryn, Chakotay and Lena were sitting on one of the sofa chairs. Kathryn and Chakotay were drinking whisky again. Lena was just drinking Cherry Coke since she was performing next.

"Doesn't she look so pretty up there," Kathryn said as she beamed at Kiara.

"Yes she does, she looks just like her grandmother," Chakotay beamed, and he put his arm around Kathryn's shoulders.

"I don't know which one he's insulting, I really don't," Lena muttered to herself.

"Aren't you proud of your daughter, Lena?" Kathryn asked, as she continued to beam.

"Oh yes I am, I didn't think she'd be able to bore me with an Aqua song. She's really proving me wrong," Lena replied in distaste.

"Now don't start, you're just jealous," Chakotay said. Lena burst out laughing.

"She's tried to do two brilliant ballads. I feel sorry for Aqua and Steps. They'd shoot themselves if they saw her," Lena muttered.

"I think she looks beautiful and graceful," Kathryn beamed. Lena put her hand over her mouth.

"I agree, she is just like her grandmother," Chakotay beamed. Lena stood up.

"I think you guys have been on the drink a little too much," Lena said as she kept her hand placed over her mouth. Craig walked over to her.

"Which song next, Lena?" he asked.

Lena looked down at her parents, who were still beaming. She smiled. "The ultimate test to see if your parents are well and truly drunk, Bumblebees!" Lena said.

"But, there's kids here, that one goes on about you know what, remember?" Craig asked.

"I told you it was an ultimate test. Besides they're about bees and flowers, the kids won't know the difference," Lena said. She saw Kiara and co stepping off the stage, and Neelix going up.

"That was a beautiful song, lovely. Well done. Next up is Virus," Neelix said as he clapped his hands.

Lena dragged Craig over to Neelix. Jessie and James followed them slowly.

"Which song are we doing?" Jessie asked.

"Bumblebees," Craig replied. Jessie and James looked worried.

"Our kid is here, Craig, that's hardly the song to play with kids around," James said.

"Hey, it's Lena's idea. Anyway I just remembered, Aqua were popular among kids, so they wouldn't of done this song if it was inappropriate," Craig said.

"Ok, here's Virus with a new song called Bumblebees!" Neelix yelled, he walked off the stage.

The band got into positions in front of the microphones. Craig brought out the fourth one and he put it up behind Lena. She and Jessie were at the front, and the guys were at the back. Bee sound affects came on. The song Bumble Bees started to play, the band sang along.

At that time Kiara had sat next to Chakotay.

"She's a disgrace to the family, right?" Kiara said questioningly

"This song is absolutely disgusting," Kathryn muttered.

"Actually it's quite catchy," Chakotay said, and he started swaying slightly to the music. Kiara snatched the whisky off him.

"I think you've had too much," she said.

The song finished, and Neelix came up on the stage.

"That was er, nice song by Virus. Up next is Pulse," Neelix said. Virus stepped off the stage. Lena went straight over to Kathryn & Chakotay. She passed Kiara on the way.

"Beautiful song, Lena," Kiara said sarcastically.

"Mind the windows, Kiara," Lena muttered and she sat down next to Chakotay. "So what did you think?" she asked.

"I thought it was quite catchy," Chakotay said.

"Awful, simply awful! I can't believe that's actually a song on a band's album. Awful," Kathryn muttered.

"It was a single too, it had a video," Lena said.

"Oh, awful, a video? I can't even begin to imagine it, oh wait I can, oh awful," Kathryn moaned.

"It can't be that bad, geez, you need more alcohol," Lena said, and she filled Kathryn's glass with more whisky. She spotted Ashley and Steve walking into the room. Lena looked over at Tani, she was on her own. Lena quickly got off her seat and she went over to Tani.

"Did anyone tell you who the newcomers were in the last episode?" Lena asked.

"No, and I don't care," Tani muttered.

"You will," Lena said, she put her hands on Tani's shoulders and she turned her around to face the door.

"Oh my god, it's Ashley," Tani gasped, she rushed over to him. Lena followed.

Ashley and Steve spotted Tani and Lena coming towards them. Steve looked rather uncomfortable, and Ashley was plain opposite.

"Hey Tani, great to see you again," Ashley said cheerfully, and he hugged Tani.

"So it was the YWF ship that captured you five years ago?" Tani asked.

"Yeah, and we've been kicking a** ever since," Ashley replied.

"Until he came up against me of course," Lena said.

"Yeah, I've been beating big and tough lads for five years, and then I get beat by a girl my age, typical huh," Ashley said. Lena eyed Steve who was still looking rather uncomfortable.

"Ste, can I talk to you for a second?" she asked. Steve nodded. They both walked away.

"Going to tell me off again?" Steve said questioningly

"Probably. I didn't really think it was you, but it's still rather annoying the way you act around Tani," Lena said.

"I can't help it," Steve muttered.

"Well, why do you always act like you want to be anywhere but where Tani is?" Lena asked, James and Jessie walked over.

"I feel that way all the time," James muttered. Lena rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but he really freaks me out when he's around Tani. He's usually so tough, but when she's around he looks like he'd rather jump off a cliff than be with her," Lena said.

"That's not how it is, believe me," Steve said.

"Yeah, whatever," Lena muttered, she walked back over to Ashley and Tani.

"Hey, aren't you that guy who beat Mick in the last episode?" Steve asked.

"I did? I thought I imagined it," James replied.

"Don't worry. Whenever he got beat it was all because of him accidentally transforming into his Human side too early. He thinks that he's won, but he hasn't. His Human side is like a Gentle Giant, his cyborg side however is a nasty piece of work," Steve said.

"How did he get to be like that?" Jessie asked.

"Rumour has it he was assimilated by those Valerians," Steve replied. Both James and Jessie shuddered. "What?" Steve said questioningly

"In Resistance, Jessie had a Valerian friend and well, you know the rest," James said.

"Er, I do?" Steve said questioningly

"Worst episode, ever," Jessie muttered.

Steve looked around nervously, he spotted a bottle of alcohol and he picked it up.

"Steve, you don't drink!" Lena yelled from where she was.

"I do now," Steve muttered, and he started drinking from the bottle.

Kathryn watched what happened, and she shook her head. "I knew those two drove me to drink, this may explain why everyone's an alcoholic," she said. She spotted Duncan with a bottle of vodka. He was about to drink some. She rushed over to him and she took the bottle away just in time.

He looked up at her with a pouty expression on his face.

"Bad boy, you don't want to be like your father. No alcohol," Kathryn said, and she walked away. Duncan stared after her.

"Why?" Duncan muttered quietly.

Naomi eyed him suspiciously as Kiara came over to her. "I'm sure Duncan's just spoke," she said.

"Nah, he can't talk," Kiara said.

Virus went onto the stage. "And finally Virus will perform two of their songs that have been mixed together as a remix. Remember it is available on their debut single; My oh My/Barbie Girl," Neelix said.

"Uhoh, have you guys been drinking?" Craig asked. Jessie and James looked at each other and then Craig innocently.

"No," they both said in small voices.

"Don't worry Craig, it's probably better off if they're drunk anyway," Lena said.

The four got into positions. The girls were at the front, and the guys were at the back. They spent the next five minutes performing the remix.

Lena finished with, "oh I love you Ken." Craig surprised everyone by kissing Lena on the cheek. Lena surprised everyone by not being bothered about it. Nearly everyone burst out laughing when Jessie and James did their usual drunken act, you should know what that is by now.

"Oh my god, awful," Kathryn muttered as she watched the two drunken band members. Lena noticed and she grinned. She waved her microphone at her mother.

"Hey mum, do you not like that?" she yelled.

"It's disgusting. Those two are drunk, they shouldn't be on stage! And your dancing was revolting, the lyrics were sleasy, and that guy that kissed you, ugh that is awful!" Kathryn rambled. Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder.

"Now stop that, you've had too much to drink," Chakotay said to calm her down.

"Awful, I tell you awful. You're driving me to drink young lady!" Kathryn yelled.

"You don't need my help with that," Lena said loud enough for everyone to hear. Kathryn started ranting on like a drunken, er, drunken obsessed mother of an out of control teenager.

"Oh shut up you stupid Peter Pan b**ch!" Lena yelled. Nearly everyone cheered when they heard her.

"Oh my god! Did you hear that, oh my god! Speaking to her own mother like that," Kathryn ranted. She nearly fainted when she saw Lena putting her middle finger up at her. "Don't make me come up there and give you a spanking, oh my god!" Kathryn ranted, and she collapsed on the floor. Duncan walked up to her when everything died down.

"Stoopid peda pan bish," Duncan managed to say. He walked away after stealing his mother's vodka from the table. Nobody really noticed the kid doing anything, and they continued dancing, drinking, collapsing, and/or embarrassing themselves.

Tom walked over to Bryan.

"Do your dad a favour. Take Duncan back to our quarters and babysit him," he said. He took a swig of lager.

"Ok, I'll do the favour, what is it?" Bryan asked. Tom didn't swallow the lager first hand. He just stared at Bryan. "What?" Bryan muttered questioningly. Tom swallowed the lager slowly.

"I told you to take Duncan back to our quarters and babysit him, that was the favour," Tom said slowly.

"But you asked me to do a favour and babysit Duncan," Bryan pointed out.

"Please Bryan. Your dad and his friends want to party like everyone does after twelve. But kids aren't allowed here," Tom said. Bryan looked at him with his usual confused expression.

"Er, I thought you were my dad," he said. Tom groaned and he slapped his own forehead in frustration.

"I am!" Tom yelled.

"But you said...." Bryan muttered. Tom groaned again. "What are guys planning on doing after 12?" Bryan asked quickly.

"Er... I'm not saying," Tom replied.

"But why are you kicking us out now, it's only 2300 hours," Bryan said.

"Fine you win, me and Harry are quickly leaving the party to do something then we'll be back. I thought getting Duncan to bed now would be better since he's only a baby," Tom said.

"Since when is whatever you and Harry get up to more important than my sanity?" Bryan asked.

"What do you mean?" Tom asked.

"That thing you call a kid, he drives me nuts," Bryan replied.

"Well he's just as much of a troublemaker as you were," Tom said.

"That can't be right. I was an angel," Bryan said. Tom burst out laughing. "What?" Bryan muttered.

"More like Hell's Angel. You were worse than Duncan," Tom laughed. Bryan sulked.

"Well I can't remember, it was ages ago," Bryan said.

"Bryan, you were Duncan's age seven months ago," Tom said.

"Damn, stupid time anomaly thing. Everyone can use that excuse but me," Bryan moaned.

"Whatever. You'd better be going," Tom said. He walked away. Bryan groaned. He headed over towards Duncan, who quickly hid a vodka bottle behind his back. Bryan took it off him. Duncan punched him in the arm.

"Ow, come on it's time to go," he said as he rubbed his arm. He picked Duncan up and he took him out of the room.

Paris' Quarters:
Bryan was sitting on the sofa watching The Mummy Returns (you can tell who's writing this scene, cough.....Mummy Returns maniac... cough Marill)

The mummy's body was lying in the middle of the museum. About twenty people were chanting some Egyptian words. The scene changes to show Brendan Fraser's character, O'Connel and Ardeth Bay wandering around in another part of the museum, holding big guns. Suddenly all the mummies on exhibit came to life.

Bryan jumped, but it was not because of the mummies. He stood up frantically.

"Duncan, get off of me!" he yelled. Duncan had a tight grip on his neck, and he held on for a dear life. He was giggling like crazy. Bryan eventually got Duncan off his back by threatening to go backwards into the wall. Duncan landed on the sofa, and he kept on giggling. "Don't ever do that again!" Bryan yelled.

"Why?" Duncan said. Bryan stared at him.

"What... did.... you... say?" Bryan asked slowly.

"Why?" Duncan repeated.

"Crap, this ain't good. My life is over," Bryan muttered.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"Is that all you can say?" Bryan asked.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"I take that as a yes then," Bryan muttered.

"Why?" Duncan said. Bryan growled and he stormed into his bedroom.

Two hours later
Holodeck One:
"Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!" the audience chanted.

The incredibly annoying Michael Sullivan walked into the studio.

"Thank you, thank you. Today's show is about drunken people. We deal with really really drunk crewmembers onboard Voyager right now. Lets meet our first guest, Miss Faye O'Tani," Sullivan said. The audience cheered as Faye walked clumsily into the studio, holding a toy bus.

She sat down on the chair.

"Welcome Faye, er what is that?" Sullivan asked.

"It's the school bus. Class 3NO are on a school trip, they've been travelling all day to get here," Faye replied. She put down the bus and she started taking out lots of Puppy in my Pockets.

"Now you can see why we asked her onto the show," Sullivan said.

Meanwhile Faye was doing the voices and movements for the puppies.

"Er... Faye, you're here so we can talk to you about your problem," Sullivan said.

Faye started pushing the school bus around.

"What problem? There's nothing wrong with me. Anyway if you're talking about the way I was walking, it might be because of that strange drink Lena gave me," Faye said. She moved more puppies around.

"Maybe we should bring out our next guest. Maybe you should sit down properly Faye. Anyway lets meet our next drunk guest, Emma Goldsbrough," Sullivan said.

Emma stumbled into the studio. She sat down after giving Faye a silly grin. She did a thumbs up for her. Faye held her hand out, and Emma hi-fived her.

"Welcome to the show, Emma. Do you know why you're here?" Sullivan asked.

"Cos Tom said you guys were showing The Mummy Returns with free beer and Cherry Coke. Can I have some beer and Cherry Coke?" Emma replied.

"No, you can't," Sullivan replied.

"Can I have a chain-saw then?" Emma asked.

"No you can't. Our next drunken guest is the Captain," Sullivan said.

Kathryn stumbled into the studio. She tried to sit on a chair, but she fell off it. The second time she managed to stay on.

"Welcome to the show, Kathy," Michael said.

"Don't call me that! Oh my god! Get me some coffee!" Kathryn screamed.

Meanwhile:
"Crap, who gave her that Cherry Coke too. She's hyper again. Oh well, at least it's better than her being all stroppy and bossy. Hey that rhymes, hehehehehe," Chakotay said. He started giggling like a little kid and he collapsed onto the ground.

Back on the set:
"Ok, Tom has gotten all the drunk crewmembers into one room. Lets send them in here. Everyone welcome Lena, Tani, Jessie, James, Craig, B'Elanna, Triah, and Mick," Michael said.

Everyone who was mentioned stumbled onto the stage, all looking confused yet happy. They eventually managed to sit down on the available chairs, while Faye continued playing with her puppies.

Everyone watched in near silence as Faye picked out five puppies. She began singing a Steps song called Chain Reaction, and she made the five puppies dance, skillfully handling each of them with every finger she had. She looked around at everyone.

"What? Oh, I forgot to introduce the band didn't I. Everyone welcome, Dark Horizon. Yey, whatever, lets continue," Faye said. She continued with the 'concert'. Everyone tried to ignore her.

Tom came into the studio, and he stood next to Michael.

"Ok, lets talk to these one at a time. Then we'll vote to see which one is the drunkest," Tom said.

"Good idea, Tommy boy. I've talked to Faye and Emma, Lena next," Michael said. He walked over to Lena. She kept feeling the back of her head, where her short hair was in a pony tail. "Hello again beautiful," Michael said.

"Hiya dip s**t," she said. She lost her temper, and took the pony tail out.

In Michael's point of view, only!!! If necessary, you need not have to read this part!
Lena slowly pulled the small bobble out of her hair, she threw it away. She shook her head to get her hair back out. Still in slow motion.

Back to normal:
"What's he looking at?" Lena asked.

"God knows. How much have you had to drink?" Tom replied.

"I had a sip of that drink James made, then I gave it to Faye. What am I doing here anyway?" Lena asked.

"Ok, Michael, moving on," Tom said. He dragged Michael over to the next one which was Tani.

"I'm not bloody drunk for god's sake. I only came cos everyone else did," Tani growled.

"Next," Tom said.

The pair went over to Jessie and James, who were giggling at nothing in particular.

"What are you laughing at?" Michael asked.

"I dunno," they both replied.

"They're always like that when they're drunk. It's better than the usual drunken kissing," Tom said.

"Next," Michael said. They both moved onto B'Elanna, who had fallen asleep. "Next," Michael said. The pair moved on to Triah. She was dancing in her seat.

"Er... Triah, what are you dancing to?" Tom asked.

"One of the songs my actress sings," Triah replied, and she continued dancing.

"Moving on," Tom said. The pair moved to Mick. "Hiya Mick, how much did you drink?" Tom asked.

"Who bloody knows, I can't count," Mick replied.

"You should be able to count, how old are you?" Tom asked.

"Are you questioning my maths abilities. Changing to Kick Ass Mode," Mick said. He pulled out the infamous remote and he tried to press a button but he kept missing. "Stupid remote," Mick grumbled as he kept attempting to press a button. He didn't know that the remote was upside down.

"Ok audience, who do you think is the most drunk here?" Tom asked the audience. The audience wrote a name on a large piece of card each. They all held theirs up. Tom counted them all up. "Faye is the drunkest here? Nah, she's always like this," Tom said.

"Dad?" Bryan yelled from the door. He rushed down the steps and he quickly went over to his dad.

"What?" Tom asked.

"I thought it was just the affects of drinking, but I got sobered up, and let me just say. Duncan can talk," Bryan replied.

"He can? What can he say?" Tom asked excitedly.

"Why?" Duncan said from the top of the stairs.

"Why," Bryan replied. Tom rushed over to B'Elanna to try and wake her up. But she didn't.

"Isn't that cute, my first word was why too," Jessie giggled.

"And mine was vodka," James giggled.

"Mine was either kill, or chain-saw," Emma said.

"Damn remote," Mike muttered to himself.

"Nami yurare yuuhi odoru. Hohoenda "Mata ashita" tte. Shiokaze yorisoi shibaraku yasumou. Tatakau yuuki ga afurete kuru kara. Manten no hoshi ga utau. Sasayaida "Ganbarou" tte. Mikazuki yurikago yume mite nemurou. Tabi suru genki ga afurete kuru kara," Triah sang.

(Writers Note: Those were the lyrics to a Pokémon Japanese song that Triah's actress sings. I can't translate. I'm not Japanese, deal with it)

Jessie stood up. "I'm going to bed, just being in this show makes me wanna sleep," she said. She headed toward the door she came in. James got up and he followed. Tom eyed them suspiciously.

"I'm going to bed too, you go and annoy dad," Bryan said as he passed Duncan. He walked out.

"Why?" Duncan said. He started running down the stairs towards Tom.

"Duncan, slow down, you could fall!" Tom yelled.

It was too late, Duncan tripped and he fell down the last 3 steps. Tom rushed over to him. He tapped his commbadge.

"Paris to Transporter Room 1, 2 to beam to Sickbay," Tom said.

In: "Erm... hic... ok I'll try."

"Ohno, the Transporter Chief is drunk," Tom muttered.

Sickbay, ten minutes later:
After appearing in lots of different places including somebody's bathroom, Tom and Duncan finally arrived in Sickbay. Tom tapped his combadge.

"Ok, we're here," he said angrily.

In: "Hic... okeydokey."

"Computer, where is the Doctor?" Tom asked the computer.

"The Doctor is in Janeway's Ready Room."

"Oh not again, why does he have to program himself to be drunk all the time," Tom muttered as he shook his head.

Meanwhile, in the Ready Room:
The Doctor was putting mistletoe all over the ceiling, as he stood on the Ready Room table. He climbed down but he fell into Kathryn's chair. He began spinning on it, he picked up a flask of coffee and he tried to drink it. The coffee went straight through him, and went onto the chair.

Kathryn came in with Chakotay.

"Oh my god, he's got coffee all over my chair again! Oh my god!" Kathryn rambled. Chakotay looked up, and he smiled. The Doctor passed Chakotay on the way out.

"Thanks, Doc," Chakotay whispered.

"Ohno, not the mistletoe thing again," Kathryn moaned. She looked at Chakotay. "Oh what the hell."

Er.... quickly we return to Sickbay:
Tom finished treating Duncan. He noticed that the blood from the cut on Duncan's forehead had dripped on the biobed. Tom picked up a cloth from the medical tray, but he knocked a tricorder onto the bed. It opened on it's own, and it started making beepy noises. Tom sighed, and he cleaned the blood off the biobed. He picked up the tricorder.

"Hmm, I wonder what this means?" he muttered to himself.

Duncan picked up the cloth. Tom didn't notice straight away.

"Oh crap, I've broke it. This can't be the right readings," Tom said.

Half an hour later
James/Jessie's Quarters:
The pair were woken up by banging on the main door.

In: "I know you're in there you f****ng perverts! Get here and open the door!"

"I wonder who that can be?" Jessie said. She slowly climbed out of the bed, and she headed towards the main door. The main door opened. Tom stormed in, holding Duncan. "What do you want?" Jessie asked.

Tom looked around the room. "Where's your boyfriend?" Tom asked.

"What? Boyfriend, how did you bloody find out?" Jessie asked.

Tom eyed her suspiciously. "You're still drunk," he said. He pulled out a hypospray, and he injected her with it. She collapsed. "Hmm, that made me feel a little better," Tom muttered to himself.

"Why?" Duncan said.

Tom groaned, and he put Duncan on the nearest chair.

James walked in, and he headed straight for the replicator. "Hi Tom. I need a vodka, do you want a drink?" he asked. Tom eyed him suspiciously.

"You're being too nice to me, you're still drunk," Tom said. He rushed over and hyposprayed James. He collapsed. "This is actually quite fun," Tom muttered.

"Why?" Duncan said.

Ten minutes later:
Jessie and James had woken up, and luckily for everyone else in the room they had sobered up too. Tom had sat down on the sofa chair. James and Jessie were just standing around, getting rather annoyed with Tom.

"Are you just going to sit there all day?" Jessie asked angrily.

"Have you sobered up yet?" Tom asked. The pair shrugged their shoulders. Tom rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll test you. James, can I have a drink?"

"Get stuffed," James replied.

"You're sober. Jessie, is it true that you and James are seeing each other?" Tom asked.

"What? No! How dare you, you stupid little b****rd!" Jessie shouted. James had to hold her back from killing Tom.

"You're sober. Right, I need to be angry again so I can yell. Duncan, say something," Tom said.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"Right that'll do," Tom said in a slightly more angrier tone than before. He stared back at Jessie and James. "Would you bloody sit down! I can't be bothered to yell at you when you're standing!" Tom yelled suddenly, taking the pair by surprise. They quickly sat down on the sofa near Tom.

"Why?" Duncan said. Tom got angrier.

"Could someone explain to me how this little why monster came to life?" Tom asked in a loud an angry voice.

"Didn't you go to Science classes? I'm sure they explained the whole thing in the first year of comprehensive," James said.

"Just keep talking like that and I'll get even more angry so I can yell. I don't mind," Tom said.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"That helps too. Anyway, that's not what I meant," Tom said.

"Then what more do you want to know? Do you have amnesia or something?" Jessie asked.

"Oh for god's sake!" Tom yelled.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"Fine, I'll try asking the question another way. How come the tricorder I was using when treating Duncan, said that there was no DNA strands in Duncan's blood that actually came from me or B'Elanna?" Tom asked.

James and Jessie looked at each other nervously.

"Maybe, er, the tricorder was broken," Jessie said.

"Or you were too drunk," James said.

"That's what I thought at first. I sobered myself up, and I tried again. Luckily that time the tricorder didn't give me messages for readings. Anyway, I tried using different tricorders and they all said the same thing. I'm not Duncan's father, and B'Elanna's not his mother. So I looked through Voyager's database to find DNA that matched Duncan's. And guess what," Tom said.

"You woke up?" Jessie said questioningly

"No, you pea brain Geordie slut! I found DNA that matched Duncan's, so I found out who the real parents are! So, I'll ask my first question again. Could someone explain to me how this little why monster came to life!" Tom yelled.

"Er... lets just say, a love spell and a couple of bottles of vodka don't really mix," James said nervously.

"Oh, so a love spell's to blame? That's a nice story, would you mind telling me the real story?" Tom asked angrily.

"That is the real story," Jessie said.

"We'll work that part out later, shall we. My next question is why the hell did B'Elanna give birth to your bloody brat?" Tom yelled.

"Remember when Voyager travelled into the 28th century in Interactions?" Jessie said.

"What's that got to do anything?" Tom asked angrily.

"Well, er, a few of us got captured and arrested. In the prison some guy we met earlier stabbed me in the back. In order to save me and Duncan, B'Elanna offered to be a surrogate mother," Jessie replied quietly.

"Was the plan originally suppose to end when B'Elanna gave birth and give the kid to you, or did you plan to abandon it with us?" Tom asked.

"We didn't plan anything," James muttered.

"Next question. Why on earth didn't anybody tell me about this?" Tom asked.

"Remember in the early days when you used to terrorise us because you thought we were a couple," Jessie said.

"Is terrorising what you call it?" Tom asked.

"Anyway we both thought that it would be a lot worse if you knew about this, so we asked B'Elanna not to tell you," Jessie replied.

"Until you took the kid back, of course," Tom muttered.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"I suppose it was the question of if you took the kid back," Tom said angrily.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"Would you bloody shut up!" Tom yelled.

"Why?" Duncan said.

"I don't know why I didn't notice earlier, he's just as annoying as you two are," Tom said. He stood up and he wandered around in mid thought.

"So let me top this off. Jessie got pregnant during the love spell incident cos you two were drunk off vodka. A few weeks later B'Elanna offers to be a surrogate mother to save Jessie and Duncan's lives. B'Elanna carried on with the pregnancy, without telling me that Duncan wasn't ours.

She gave birth eight months ago, and the Doctor lied to me by saying that he had to take the Klingon genes out to save him. B'Elanna makes you two Duncan's god parents, now that I know I think that's rather funny. Anyway... a few months later, Duncan learns to talk and B'Elanna & I are STILL looking after him.

Now the question is now that I know, will you take him?" Tom said angrily.

"Er.. what's the matter, don't you like him?" Jessie muttered.

"Now I don't. Now that I know that he was just born to get me back for all the 'terrorising' I've been doing to you guys," Tom said.

"We didn't plan it all to happen, so why do you think that it happened just for us to get you back?" James asked.

"You don't really expect me to believe that love spell crap, do you?" Tom said questioningly

"It's the truth!" Jessie snapped.

"If I remember right, the love spell was designed to make the victim fall in love with the person nearest to them. That's all," Tom said.

"It did more than that. The people who fell in love became er, couples. According to Lena and Danny everyone who was infected was, well kissing each other," Jessie said.

"I'm so glad that you're lying about that. I was closest to Annika at the time," Tom muttered.

"He he he he," Duncan giggled.

"Don't you start!" Tom yelled.

Duncan pointed his finger at him. "Ya did kissee wissee with Bonnika," Duncan managed to say. He started giggling again.

"I did not, they're just lying. Besides kissing is a long way from er, you know what I mean," Tom said.

"We were drunk, remember," James said.

"Prove it," Tom said.

"How?" James asked.

"He was there in the same villa as us when we got drunk. We were taking bets on the argument he was having with Annika," Jessie said.

"The only one who was drunk was Emma, and she didn't do anything," Tom said.

"How do you know, everyone who was infected forgot what happened," Jessie said.

"Look, the whole story is a load of crap. I don't see why I have to listen to any of your excuses," Tom said.

"Why?" Duncan giggled.

"Here's what really happened. You two got sick of me 'terrorising' you, so you tried to get Jessie pregnant. Then you tried to get her into enough trouble so she'd get hurt. Then B'Elanna would feel sorry for you and help out. The rest we all know," Tom said.

"Now that's the story that's a load of crap," James said.

"Who do you think I am anyway? A slut? I think not!" Jessie yelled.

"I've always thought you looked like a slut," Tom said.

Jessie stood up. "Just get out!" she yelled.

"Should I leave the product of your attempted revenge here?" Tom said questioningly

"Now you see why we didn't tell you about this," Jessie said angrily. James stood up too.

"Once I've talked to B'Elanna, I'll be back to drop off Duncan's stuff," Tom said.

"You heard her, get out!" James yelled.

Tom smiled slightly. He walked straight out the door.

Jessie collapsed back onto the sofa.

"Why?" Duncan said. He pointed at himself. "Cher' coke," he said as he continued to point at himself.

"What should we do?" James asked.

"I don't know. We can't exactly take Duncan now, we're not ready for him. Babysitting him was hard enough," Jessie replied.

"Cherr' coke!" Duncan yelled.

Both Jessie and James groaned. James sat down on the chair near the sofa.

"Cherr' coke," Duncan muttered, and he started crying.

Few hours later:
The turbolift:
Two crewmembers discussion was interrupted when the lift stopped and Jessie walked inside.

"Deck Two," she said.

The two crewmembers tried to stop themselves from laughing. The turbolift stopped, and they walked out. As soon as the door closed, Jessie could hear them laughing. The turbolift continued moving.

The Mess Hall:
Lena stood up, and she walked away from her table. She headed over to Neelix's kitchen. She looked around, but she couldn't see Neelix anywhere. She heard the main door open, so she looked briefly to see who it was.

Jessie walked up to Lena, trying to ignore everyone who was looking her way.

"Don't tell me, Tom has told everyone his story," Jessie said.

"You guessed right," Lena muttered.

Jessie looked quickly over her shoulders. "It doesn't matter. They'll get tired of it eventually," Jessie said.

"That doesn't sound like you," Lena said. She heard the door opening again, and she looked toward it. "Lets hope that she still believes your story," Lena muttered.

Jessie looked towards the door. Tani had walked in. She came straight over to Jessie and Lena.

"You'll never guess what I heard," Tani said.

"In fact I can," Jessie said.

"I suppose Tom's theory makes more sense. Even drunk and under love spell, James would never go for you," Tani said.

Lena and Jessie looked at each other. They knew they were thinking the same thing: "I wish she'd give it a rest."

Neelix came into his kitchen through the small door at the back. He walked up to the three girls.

"Hello there, what can I get for you?" he asked cheerfully.

"Cherry Coke," Lena replied.

"Two plates of chips," Jessie replied.

"Two?" Neelix said questioningly

"James doesn't know it, but there's only enough rations between us to get something for Duncan," Jessie said.

"Two plates of chips coming up. Tani, what do you want?" Neelix asked.

"Nothing, I just wanted to talk to Lena and Jessie," Tani replied.

Neelix walked away to get what was ordered.

"I thought for a second that you were eating for two again, Jess," Tani said.

"Oh very funny," Jessie muttered.

"Can I just ask something though?" Tani asked.

"You already did, but go on," Jessie replied.

"Was it your idea?" Tani asked.

"My idea?" Jessie said questioningly.

"To get revenge on Tom like that," Tani replied.

"Look Tani. Don't believe what Tom told you. Me and James are not like that. So shut up and forget about it," Jessie said.

"What do you mean you and James are not like that? I know he's not like that, but sluts like you are," Tani said.

Neelix came back over. He handed a bottle of Cherry Coke to Lena, and he put two plates of chips in front of Jessie. She picked them up, and she headed towards the door. Tani looked towards Lena.

"That's strange, where is she going," Lena said. She followed Jessie, and eventually so did Tani. Lena caught up with Jessie. "Where are you going?" Lena asked.

"Duh, I've got to go back to my quarters. I'm not eating all these on my own," Jessie replied.

Tani followed the pair to Jessie's quarters. Lena locked the door on Tani. Jessie put the plates on the replicator, and she sat down on the sofa.

"Where are James and Duncan anyway?" Lena asked.

"James had to go to that stupid duty shift with Tuvok. As far as I know Duncan's still asleep.. in my bloody bed," Jessie replied.

"So what was the point of getting chips now?" Lena asked.

"James said he couldn't be bothered to do the shift, so he's going to fake an illness to get out," Jessie replied.

"Oh ok," Lena said.

The door chimed.

In: "Hello? I'm still out here."

Jessie stood up, she walked towards the door and she opened it. Tani walked in.

"You know Lena, it's rather rude to shut the door on someone," Tani said.

"So?" Lena muttered.

"Ok, I'll just say what I have to say and leave, ok," Tani said.

"Ok, but be quick," Jessie said.

Tani looked at Lena. "Alone, please," she said.

Lena rolled her eyes and she walked out.

"Look to be quick, I know that it was your idea to get revenge on Tom. And I know that you most probably forced James into it. So, to clear things up, I'll just say one more thing," Tani said.

"I didn't agree with anything you said there, but go on," Jessie said.

"I really hate you, and that's about it really," Tani said.

"That's nice, will you go now?" Jessie asked.

Tani nodded, and she turned towards the door. She quickly turned back around and she hit Jessie in the face. She then walked out.

Lena walked back in, and she walked back out again. All that was heard was a banging noise. Lena walked back in, and she locked the door.

"I think she left a bit of a dent in the wall, oh well. Are you ok?" Lena asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Jessie replied. The left side of her lip was bleeding.

"You're not fine. Tani used to be Borg, and she was trained to be a Slayer, you don't have to pretend you're not hurt," Lena said.

"It's fine, Lena, take a hint. I tell you, this isn't my day," Jessie said and she sat down on the sofa.

James walked into the room, trying to look innocent.

Lena and Jessie noticed straight away. "You've been in a fight with Tom again, haven't you?" Jessie asked.

"How did you know?" James asked.

"I can tell," Jessie replied.

"I read her mind," Lena said, and she grinned. Jessie rolled her eyes.

"Looks like you've been in a fight too," James said, as he walked over to the sofa.

"Just Tani, she just hit me," Jessie said.

"What the hell for?" James asked.

"She thinks that I forced you into that revenge thing Tom made up," Jessie replied.

James sat down next to Jessie, when the door chimed.

"Come in," Jessie said. The door opened, and Lilly walked in.

"Hey, I heard about what happened," she said.

"You have to be more specific, a lot has happened recently," Jessie said.

Lilly walked over to the sofa. "Well I meant I heard about Duncan. I didn't believe what Tom said, so er, what's the real story?" she asked.

"Remember that love spell over a year ago?" James asked.

"Yeah," Lilly replied.

"We were a bit drunk during it, end of story," James said.

"A bit?" Jessie said questioningly.

"That sounds more believable. It seems a lot of people believe Tom's story though," Lilly said.

"That's because they haven't heard our story yet. Hopefully they might find ours more believable," Jessie said.

"Oh, I also heard from Tani that you had a fight with her, you're ok aren't you," Lilly said.

"Yeah, fine," Jessie said.

"That's good. I mainly came over anyway to well, give you some bad news," Lilly said.

"Ohno, what is it now?" James asked.

"I got a PADD off my brother. Take a look for yourselves," Lilly replied. She handed a PADD to Jessie.

"Ohno," Jessie muttered as she read it. James leaned over to look too. Lena sat on Jessie's other side so she could read the PADD too.

"This is just what we need," Lena said.

"I didn't think you knew about it, so I'm glad I came or it would of come to you as a horrible surprise knowing Tom," Lilly said.

"Thanks, Lil, but it's still a horrible surprise," Jessie said.

The following night
Janeway's Ready Room:
The door chimed and Lena walked straight in.

"Ok, mum, make it quick," she said.

"Somebody saw you push Tani into the wall near James and Jessie's Quarters. Explanation please?" Kathryn said questioningly.

"Tani started it. She hit Jessie, so I pushed Tani into the wall as she made her way out of the room. I don't see why I have to be blamed for this," Lena said.

"I spoke with the Doctor this morning and he informed me of why Tani has been acting, what do you call it, more cocky than usual," Kathryn said.

"You mean b****y," Lena said.

"Whatever. Supposedly she found out in May that she has a problem with her immune system. According to the Doctor she's more vulnerable to diseases, and if she does get them her body takes longer than usual to fight back. Tani was angry, to say the least," Kathryn said.

"So why has she been acting so b****y for the last seven months?" Lena asked.

"You don't understand, do you Lena. She'd been under a lot of stress before finding out about this. First she lost you as a best friend," Kathryn said.

"That was her fault, she took something totally the wrong way and she started spreading rumours," Lena said.

"Let me finish. She only started doing that in May, right? She broke up with you in April, correct?" Kathryn asked.

"Yeah," Lena replied.

"She probably only spread the rumour because she was angry about her problem. She was not so bad up until June. Do you have any idea what happened then?" Kathryn asked.

"June, June... we had that bout with the Seventh Dimension. Oh god, that's when she tried to kiss James, or rather she did," Lena said.

"What did he do, scream?" Kathryn asked.

"I'm surprised he didn't. Oh yeah, I was the one who got her away from him. Later Jessie was forced to tell her about Duncan," Lena said.

"That's probably what did it," Kathryn said.

"What?" Lena said questioningly.

"As much as it repulses me to say it, but Tani is in love with James. Imagine what kind of damage it would do if you found out that the guy you loved had a son," Kathryn said. Lena shrugged her shoulders. Kathryn groaned. "She was probably so angry it caused her to go more b****y, as you call it, than before. It may explain her hatred for Jessie," Kathryn said.

"Yeah I suppose. What should I do?" Lena asked.

"Well, if you really want to help her, you're going to have to get her to fall out of love with James, maybe that's a start. Maybe if you spend more time with her too. You may have made more closer friends after falling out with her, but I don't think she's had the same," Kathryn replied.

"Oh, ok, but how am I suppose to put her off James, I know he isn't really a catch of the day, but she's obsessed with him. It would be like trying to get me off Cherry Coke," Lena said.

"Yeah, you have a point. Hang on a second, what other drinks do you like?" Kathryn asked.

"Alcohol," Lena replied.

"Exactly. If I were to tone you down from Cherry Coke, I would have less Cherry Coke available, and more alcohol available," Kathryn said.

"But I thought alcohol was less healthy than Cherry Coke," Lena said.

"Shut up for a second, that's not the main point here. I was thinking maybe you can get Tani to like some other lads. Make sure they're single," Kathryn said.

"I think I'm getting it. Tani knows that James isn't exactly available now, but if she notices some more guys that are available she'll slowly go off him," Lena said.

"Right, off you go now," Kathryn said.

"But, how do I...." Lena muttered.

"I'm sure you'll manage," Kathryn replied.

"Damn..." Lena muttered and she walked out.

Tani's Quarters:
Tani collapsed onto her sofa. She sighed as she pulled her small computer over to her.

She thought, "sometimes I don't know why I bother, no one ever leaves me messages."

She switched on the computer.

"You have two messages," the computer said.

Tani sat up quickly and she picked up the computer. She sat back and she put the computer on her knee. She typed in the commands to open the first message.

It didn't have a sender, the only thing there was the message itself. Her smile quickly faded as she read the text. Nervously she opened the next one, and she read it. Anger grew inside her, yet fear was starting to build up also.

She thought, "who would send me something like this?"

She clicked on the reply button, but the computer beeped. "Unknown sender, you cannot reply to this message."

Tani slammed the computer down on the table in rage. She got onto her feet and she headed towards her bedroom. She collapsed onto the bed, and she cried herself to sleep.

The next day, Conference Room:
Kathryn stood up from her chair, and she looked around the Conference table. She sighed in frustration.

She thought, "what the hell has happened to this crew, there is too much hate now."

"I must say I am very angry with each and every one of you. When I was assigned to this ship seven years ago I was hoping to have the best crew in the fleet, who liked each other and didn't fight. I don't know what I did to deserve a crew where some members hate each other so much that fights start. And now to add to that Tani has received disturbing messages off an unknown crewmember. I want to know who it is, right now!" Kathryn yelled.

Tuvok stood up. "I have examined Tani's computer, the sender must of used some sort of encryption code to stop Tani from finding out where it came from. I cannot determine where about's the message was sent from."

Kathryn banged her fists on the table. "If this crew doesn't get it's act together I will be forced to take drastic action! When I find out who sent those messages they're going to be in a heap of trouble!"

Chakotay stood up. "There has also been reports of a certain rumour spreading the ship. I'm sure most of you have heard it by now. I would think after seven years of rumours that have been found out to be a lie people would be starting to ignore rumours like these. Also, I'd expect that the people who send the rumours should quit while they're ahead, or there's going to be more trouble."

"Why?" Duncan said.

Everyone looked towards James and Jessie. Duncan was sitting on James' knee.

"Why did you bring that child to this meeting?" Kathryn asked.

"Because we couldn't trust him in our quarters on his own, that's why," Jessie growled.

"Very well then," Kathryn said.

"B**ch," Jessie muttered under her breath.

Duncan started clapping his hands. "Bish, bish, bish, b**ch, b**ch," he chanted. Everyone looked his way again.

"Tom, why couldn't you just keep Duncan. He's already learning swear words," Kathryn said.

"You've got to be kidding me. It took me hours to shower off the germs I got from touching him. He came from Jessie, it's enough to make anyone puke," Tom said.

"TOM! Didn't you hear what I said earlier! If you carry on like that you'll be thrown into the brig for ten years!" Kathryn screamed at the top of her voice.

"Yes ma'am," Tom squeaked.

"Dismissed," Chakotay said quickly. Almost everybody cleared out the room.

Lena saw Tani sitting on her chair still. Lena walked over to her.

"Hey, sorry about yesterday," she said.

"Whatever, why are you trying to be nice?" Tani muttered.

"I heard about your problem," Lena said.

"Which one, I've got so many," Tani said.

"Well, I heard about the message one, obviously. But I really meant that problem with your immune system," Lena said.

"Probably everyone knows now, I'll be the laughing stock again," Tani said.

Lena sat down next to Tani. "Hey Listen, catching the messenger shouldn't be that hard. If you remember somebody on the Borg sphere did it to you 2 years ago. In the end, there's only you, me, Steve and Ashley that were on the sphere, that are also here on this ship."

"Yeah, you're right. I know it's not you. It's not your style, plus you were my friend back then. Ashley's my friend too. Maybe it's Steve. He always looks uncomfortable around me. He must hate me. I always thought he did," Tani said.

"Steve, well I'll talk to him if I can. You talk to Ashley about him, see what you can find out. We're not having this crap again, right?" Lena said.

"Yeah, thanks," Tani said.

Steve/Ashley's Quarters:
Steve walked over to the door. It opened.

"Is Ashley in," Tani said quickly.

Steve nodded, he walked away from the door and he went into the other room. A few seconds later Ashley came in.

"Hey Tan, come in," he said cheerfully.

"I take it you haven't heard," Tani said.

"Heard what?" Ashley asked.

"Somebody sent me two messages last night. They were the same style as the ones I got 2 years ago on the Sphere," Tani said.

Ashley's face fell. "That's awful."

"Yeah, I doubt you know anything about it," Tani said.

"No I don't, I didn't the last time you asked me, Tan," Ashley said.

"What about your brother, does he know anything?" Tani asked.

"I'll ask him, but I doubt he'll know much about it," Ashley replied.

"Thanks," Tani said, and she headed towards the door.

"Wait a second, are you ok?" he asked.

"Yeah of course, why should I be ok," Tani replied.

"The last time you got those messages you wouldn't talk to anyone," Ashley said.

"I was scared, I didn't know who it was. This time it's a little easier. The one who's doing it now must of done it on the sphere. It's the same style as those other messages. I know it's not you, I doubt it's Lena. She was my best friend on the sphere. I'm sorry Ashley but it has to be your brother, it can't be anyone else," Tani said.

"My brother wouldn't do anything like that Tan. It has to be someone different," Ashley said.

"Then how do you explain the fact that the messages stopped a day before you and your brother were taken. And the fact that the messages are starting again a day after you two found out that I was on this ship," Tani asked.

"Either coincidence, or someone's trying to frame my brother. Tani, you've got to take it easy. I'm sure those security guys will find out who it really is soon," Ashley said.

"Fine, but warn your brother. The Captain isn't too happy about this, and the messenger is in trouble if she finds out who it is. And frankly, I'll be happy when she catches them. That guy, or girl nearly ruined my life the last time, I felt like committing suicide a few times. I hope whoever it is gets an execution, I really do, and I don't care who it is," Tani said and she walked out.

Holodeck 1:
The Michael Sullivan show program was up and running, but the show itself wasn't on. Voyager crewmembers were going into the audience space.

Tom and Harry were backstage talking.

"Tom, this is stupid. Can't you lot work this out on your own?" Harry said questioningly.

"Harry, Harry, I and B'Elanna would be able to work this out with a pair of chimps easier than those two. I know that they don't want Duncan, they never did," Tom said.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't you spent the last seven years tormenting them because they were close best friends. If I were one of them, I would keep a secret like what they did too. Just because they didn't tell you straight away, doesn't mean that they are using Duncan as revenge material," Harry said.

"Oh Harry, don't tell me that you believe their story. I'm surprised at you," Tom moaned.

Kathryn and Chakotay walked into the room, and they went straight over to Tom.

"Tom, did you come to the Conference meeting?" Kathryn asked.

"Yes, why?" Tom replied.

"Well I did tell everyone to get their act together, and here you are again, using your Michael Sullivan show to cause trouble. The last time you used this program like this was to play matchmaker. What are you up to this time?" Kathryn asked.

"Instead of telling you, I can show you. I need every crewmember to come in, and tell their point of view of the situation. You and Chakotay would be perfect," Tom replied.

"Kathryn, I think this is about Duncan," Chakotay replied.

"Fine, I'll give my opinion now. Tom, I found out from the Doctor about the love spell story. The Doctor wouldn't lie to me like that. Secondly, I do think Duncan should go to his real parents, even though they are some of the biggest troublemakers on the crew. I came to this conclusion because I don't want another lad spreading rumours like you do," Kathryn said.

"Right, you can say your second part on the show. The first part, you can't," Tom said.

"This story you made up about them is not going to get you anywhere," Chakotay said.

"It already has. I'm getting back at them really well this way," Tom said.

Michael walked into the room.

"Hello Katy," he said.

Kathryn rolled her eyes.

"Move on, scar," Chakotay muttered.

Michael went over to Tom. "Tommy lad, we're starting the show in a few seconds," he said.

"Right," Tom said.

Back in the studio:
The crewmembers had quickly caught the Michael Sullivan show spirit. All were chanting, "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!"

Michael was on the stage with his microphone. "Hello and welcome to the Michael Sullivan Show. Today we only have one topic, but it's a good one. Everyone please welcome Tom Paris," he said.

Quite a lot of the audience cheered as Tom came onto the stage. He sat down on one of the available chairs.

"Now then Tommy lad, tell us what exactly is going on here?" Michael asked as he walked over to Tom.

"Well it's really very simple. Two people that I know tried to get back at me in a really dirty scheme. And I mean dirty," Tom said.

"What was their scheme?" Michael asked.

"Well I just found out the other day that the child me and B'Elanna had, isn't ours at all, he belongs to those two," Tom replied.

Everyone did a fake gasp. "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!" the audience chanted.

"What happened, Tommy lad," Michael asked.

"They told me this crap story. They said that they were drunk during the love spell that took place over a year ago. A few weeks later B'Elanna offered to be a surrogate mother to save Jessie and Duncan lives after an accident on a planet," Tom replied.

"Ooooh," everyone said.

"And B'Elanna didn't tell you?" Michael said.

"No, they told her not to because they thought I'd work out their scheme," Tom said.

"Lets bring them out, shall we?" Michael said.

There was a mixture of cheers and boos coming from the crowd as James and Jessie came onto the stage. Duncan was following them with a chocolate bar in his hands. They all sat as far away from Tom as possible.

"Now then. Tommy here said that you two tricked him into taking custody of this adorable little boy here. What have you got to say?" Michael said.

"Bulls**t,"  both replied. S**t came out like a high pitched tone, pure talk show style.

"Stop denying it, you circus freaks!" Tom yelled and he stood up. Jessie and James stood back up too.

"Stop making up rumours about us, you (beep)ing (beep)!" Jessie yelled.

"Oooh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!" the audience chanted.

"Now then, what happened?" Michael asked Jessie and James. They both sat back down, so did Tom.

"There was a love spell on the entire ship about a year ago. Before it we were taking bets on Tom and Annika's argument. Instead of money, we betted on vodka. We drunk most of it. Next thing I remember I was waking up with an hangover," James replied.

"Me too," Jessie said.

"I don't remember seeing you drinking vodka that night," Tom said.

"Of course not, you were (beep)ing too busy arguing with Annika to notice!" Jessie yelled.

"All right settle down. Is the rest of Tom's story true?" Michael asked.

"We only found out about the pregnancy a month later. I got attacked on a planet, and I got stabbed. B'Elanna saved me and Duncan from dying," Jessie replied.

"He told me that you got pregnant on purpose so an accident could happen later on, and you tricked B'Elanna into taking the child," Michael said.

"That's the thing with Tom, the only thing that comes out of his mouth his a load of bull(beep)," James said.

"You can talk," Tom muttered. James stood back up.

"Don't make me come over there," he said angrily. Tom stood up.

"Come on then," Tom said angrily.

Everyone cheered as the security guards came on. One was Mick, the other was a hologram.

Mick held Tom back, and the hologram held James back.

"Steve, Steve, Steve!" everyone chanted.

Mick glared at them.

"Steve, Mick, Mick, Mick!" everyone chanted.

"Ok, we are now going to bring out friends and acquaintances to get their view of the situation. First lets welcome Captain Janeway!" Michael said.

Half an hour later:
"Right, that's half of our guests. Now since it's the end of the show, the audience will now do some voting. First, which story do you think is the correct one. Jessie and James' or Tom's? Vote now," Michael said.

Everyone in the audience started writing on their cards.

"I don't see the point of this, I really don't," Jessie muttered.

"Oh for god's sake. I set this up to persuade you guys to take Duncan. It's that simple," Tom said.

"So why has this show been about everyone trying to work out which story is true?" James asked.

"Well it's obvious. We can't agree on anything if we don't work out our little 'how it happened' story," Tom replied.

"Why can't we do this on our own, I don't see why we have to sort out every problem on a talk show," Jessie said.

"The episode would be rather dull if we did that," Tom said.

"Ok, can we have your votes!" Michael yelled.

Everyone held up their cards. Michael did a quick count.

"It seems that more people believe Tom's story. That's all for tonight, we'll continue this story tomorrow," Michael said.

Later that night:
Jessie and James were sitting on the sofa in their quarters.

"What do you think we should do?" Jessie asked suddenly.

"I doubt there's anyway to prove that we're telling the truth, but at least Tom can't prove his theory either," James replied.

"Wait a minute, maybe there is a way to prove it. Tom doesn't believe us because he didn't know we were drunk that night, and he doesn't think that the love spell can develop that far," Jessie said.

"So how do we prove it then?" James asked.

"Simple. Chakotay, Lena and Craig were in that villa too. They can tell him that we were drunk. I suppose he might not believe them either. But, the Doctor knew a lot about that spell, maybe he can prove that the spell can be affected by alcohol," Jessie replied.

"It's worth a try, I suppose," James said.

"We'll talk to the Doc tomorrow. Lena, and the others can tell Tom that they witnessed the amount of vodka we drank that night too," Jessie said.

"What happens if he doesn't believe it?" James asked.

"Doesn't matter, we'll just prove it in the show. Everyone else will, that's all I care about. I hate it when people are always staring at me," Jessie said.

"What makes you think they're going to be different when they find out that the love spell story is true," James said.

"It's better than Tom's story. That one makes us look like slags," Jessie said.

"Yeah... but," James muttered.

"Would you stop it, I'm trying to be positive here, and you're just being negative," Jessie said angrily.

"I can't help it. It's hard to be positive when you're in a bad mood," James said.

"So was I, until I thought about proving our story. Just cheer up, it'll all be over soon," Jessie said.

The door chimed. James and Jessie looked briefly at each other, and they groaned. James got off the sofa, and he went over to the door. It opened.

"What the hell do you want?" James asked.

"I want to know what you're planning on doing with Duncan," Tom replied.

"It's twelve at night, can't this wait till tomorrow?" James said.

"All right fine, just keep this in mind. If my story is true, which it probably is, Janeway is going to be really mad at you. I was talking to her about it earlier. She'll probably throw you in the Brig, but she wants proof. I still think she believes your story though. Anyway, if your story turns out to be true, which is unlikely, Janeway wants you to take custody of Duncan. In a way I win both ways. Goodnight," Tom said, and he walked out.

"What the hell does he have against us, the little b****rd?" Jessie said angrily as she stood up.

"Well we did lie to him," James said.

"No, he's hated us for seven years! Why, that's what I want to know. If he had left us alone at the beginning, we would of told him about Duncan the moment B'Elanna came out of that operation," Jessie said angrily, she started pacing the room.

"We'll probably never find out," James said.

The next day, Tani's Quarters:
Tani opened her door to Lena. She followed Tani into the room. She turned the computer on her table around.

"I got another message," Tani said, and she sat down on the sofa. Lena knelt down in front of the table and she read the message.

"Can't you reply and tell this guy or girl off?" Lena asked.

"No, that's what frustrates me. I want to vent all my anger on this person, but I can't," Tani replied.

"I've noticed that the coward has done something so you don't even know which computer, or room it came from," Lena said.

"No, what's even more stupid, why doesn't this person tell this stuff to my face? And anyway, what war is this dork thinking of?" Tani asked.

Lena pressed some more buttons and she looked at the other messages. She stood back up.

"No one's said anything nasty to you since this started, right?" Lena asked.

"No, not really," Tani replied.

"It must be Steve, Tan. There's no doubt about it. He's scared of you, that's why he never talks to you. Probably this is his only way he can talk to you," Lena said.

"Then how come his brother doesn't know anything about it?" Tani asked.

"His brother is one of your best friends, Tan. He wouldn't say anything," Lena replied, and she walked out of the door.

Ashley/Steve's Quarters:
Steve sighed as he heard the door chime. He walked over to the door, and he opened it. He backed away quickly as Lena came barging in.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at?" she said angrily.

"What?" Steve muttered questioningly.

"Those messages, why are you sending them?" Lena yelled.

"It isn't me, I don't know Tani," Steve said nervously.

"All of these kind of messages stopped when you and your brother got captured by those YWF people two years ago. Now isn't it a coincidence that they're starting again when you and your brother joined the crew?" Lena said.

"I suppose it is," Steve said.

"If you do it again, there's going to be hell on!" Lena yelled.

"It isn't me?" Steve protested.

"If it isn't you, who is it then?" Lena asked.

"I don't know. What does those messages say?" Steve replied.

"You should know, you sent them," Lena said.

"I didn't, I told you, I didn't. I thought you knew me better than that," Steve said.

"Ok, all of them are basically on about a war between Tani and the sender. One said that he or she was going to win. The second one started off by saying something about me and blackmail. It said that I always hated the sender too. The most recent one was the worst," Lena said.

"A war? Blackmail? Oh come on Lena, I barely know Tani. Why would there be a war between us. And besides, I like you Lena, why would I go on about you too," Steve said.

"I don't care about the stuff about me, I care about what you said about Tani. One message said 'why are you ignoring me, afraid of the truth?'. And another 'why aren't you talking to me'. And so on, I don't even understand these messages at all," Lena said.

"Firstly, I don't write stuff like that. Secondly I don't see what's so upsetting about those three messages you just spoke of," Steve said.

"Because dips**t, it obviously means that the sender knows her. She doesn't know who it is though. I mean she could just walk into the mess hall and the sender could be in there mocking her," Lena said.

"That's the thing, I don't know her. I've never really talked with her, I never tried," Steve said.

In: "Henderson to Lena. Where the hell are you? I just got another instant message off that guy."

Lena looked oddly at Steve. She looked around the room, the only computer there was switched off.

"Is that yours?" Lena asked.

"Yeah, it's passworded so my brother can't get in," Steve replied.

"Tani, are you sure it was instant?" Lena asked.

In: "Positive Lena. You should know all messages are instant if the receivers computer is on."

"Now do you believe me?" Steve asked.

"If it isn't you, who the hell is it?" Lena yelled.

"I don't know, I told you before," Steve replied.

Lena sighed. "Tan, it isn't Steve. I've been talking to him for five minutes."

In: "Oh for god's sake, who else could it be then?"

"I don't know, but I'll find out. Be sure of that," Lena replied.

The Holodeck:
Crewmembers were going into their seats in the audience section.

Tom was standing at the side of the stage where no one could see him.

"Where on earth are those loonies," he muttered to himself.

"Who are you calling loonies?" Jessie asked angrily as she and James walked up to Tom. He turned around to face them.

"You guys, obviously," Tom replied.

"Why did you call us here for?" James asked.

"You were obviously quite annoyed at me for using this show to sort everything out. So, I've got a proposition for you," Tom replied.

"What kind of proposition?" James asked.

"Basically, you two are obviously lying about your story. So I'm willing to spare you some embarrassment. Just tell me that the story is true, and I'll convince everyone that I've been proved wrong about my story. I won't tell anyone," Tom replied.

"What if we are telling the truth?" Jessie asked.

"Well, if you want to keep showing yourselves up, we can continue with the Sullivan show. Everyone believes the truth so that can't always be a good sign. Anyway, if you continue this way I'll have to give you Duncan permanently. If you tell me that my theory is right then I'll consider looking after him a little while longer. I've grown quite attached to him actually. The choice is really yours," Tom replied.

"Well obviously we're not going to tell you a lie," Jessie said.

"Good, you've come to your senses," Tom said.

"Listen Tom, we'll tell you what's going to happen. We're keeping Duncan, since we don't want him ending up like you. Secondly we're sticking to the truth since we can prove it," Jessie said.

"It was a nice try though Tom. If your story was true, we wouldn't of gone for your offer either," James said.

"It's nice to know you have brains, I look forward to the show," Tom said, and he walked away.

Ashley/Steve's Quarters:
Ashley walked over to the door and he opened it.

"Hi, Lena, come in," he said. Lena followed him into the main room.

"I just thought I say that your brother is in the clear," Lena said.

"I had a feeling that it wasn't him. So, any clue to who it really is?" Ashley asked.

"Well I think I've come up with something," Lena replied.

"That's good, let me know when you find out who it is," Ashley said.

"I will," Lena said.

Ashley sat down on the sofa, and he continued working on his computer. Lena walked over.

"What you doing?" she asked.

"Just playing a game I found," Ashley replied. Lena had a quickly look at the monitor.

"That's a boring game, Solitaire right?" she said.

"Yeah, it's better than nothing," Ashley said.

"Can I ask you something?" Lena asked.

"Yeah, anything," Ashley replied.

"What's up with you and Tani?" Lena asked.

"What do you mean?" Ashley asked, still not looking up from the screen.

"You two have always been, how can I put it, conflicted. Why's that?" Lena asked.

"We're two different people I suppose. Why do you ask?" Ashley replied.

"It doesn't have anything to do with that Trek game did it?" Lena asked.

"I suppose so. She used to keep using the same names as I was using for the characters, it was quite annoying," Ashley replied.

"I think the names are rather common, it's a mistake anyone can make. Who won that game anyway?" Lena asked.

"Nobody, we never got to finish it," Ashley replied.

"What did you have to do to win?" Lena asked.

"If you must know. Tani lead an alien race, and I lead a different one. The object of the game was to destroy your opponent, there was another objective, but none of us worked toward it," Ashley replied.

"So in a way, you're still at war with Tani, right?" Lena asked.

"Yeah, what's with the questions anyway?" Ashley replied.

"Well, it's simple. Since you've answered my questions like that I know that you're the messenger," Lena replied.

"What makes you think that?" Ashley asked.

"The messages go on about a war like if it is a real one. You know that I'm not too keen on you. And both of you have done nothing but argue all the time you've known each other. Now, you've only talked to her twice in only a few days. You guys used to talk all the time," Lena replied.

Ashley switched his computer off, and he stood up.

"Ok, Lena, you're right. I admit it, I sent those messages. With good reason," Ashley said.

"You've got a good reason? This is going to be a laugh," Lena said.

"You know me and Tani have never been that good of friends. We argued about stupid little things, we never admitted to being wrong when we were. The only thing that kept us together was that game," Ashley said.

"I was only told about the game, Ashley, it sounds pretty silly to me," Lena said.

"It isn't a game in the way you think Lena. The two of us had this idea to do holonovels if we ever got back home. We kept it a secret because we thought you lot would laugh at us. Anyway, she did steal two character names from my novel. We had little fights over things like that. I suppose Tani was more serious about the whole thing, I just wanted to have fun, but she took a lot of things personally," Ashley said.

"This is starting to make more sense. But what's with the messages?" Lena asked.

"It's over Lena. I thought I wouldn't see her again after I got captured. Then Voyager rescued me and my brother. I don't want to be Tani's friend anymore. I thought sending those messages would put her off," Ashley said.

"She doesn't know it's you, what good is that?" Lena asked angrily.

"I thought mentioning the war all the time would give a hint. I didn't put my name in mainly because it would come as too big a shock. I had to use Steve's computer each time. I knew it had this problem. Nobody can track it down for some reason. But I figured it wouldn't cause a problem. When she didn't come and talk to me after the first one, I kept sending more," Ashley said.

"You scared the hell out of her, Ashley! Don't you realise that? You say what state she was in the first time it happened on the sphere!" Lena yelled.

"I didn't think my approach was scary," Ashley said.

"Why didn't you just talk to her about it?" Lena asked.

"I tried, but I couldn't. I thought that writing what I wanted to say would work, but it did come out wrong," Ashley replied.

"I'm going to have to tell Tani about this, you'll have to come with me," Lena said.

"I don't know what to tell her though," Ashley said.

"Just improvise, don't scare her again," Lena said.

The Mess Hall, that afternoon:
Jessie, James and Duncan were sitting at one of the tables. Tom walked over.

"Well, the show did work after all," he said.

"Is that what you think?" Jessie asked.

"Well, it helped me. At least the Doctor proved your story," Tom replied.

"Why are you happy about that? I thought you loved telling people that theory of yours," James asked.

"I had to get back at you, I was angry. I did spend seven months looking after a kid that wasn't even mine," Tom replied.

"From now on, don't spread rumours about us. They're never true," Jessie said.

"Not even the Lena one?" Tom asked.

"No, and you didn't even make that one up," James replied.

"I know but, I did tell Harry," Tom said.

"Why doesn't that surprise me," Jessie muttered.

"Look, I came here to apologise for the rumour I started. But keep one thing in mind. Just because you're story was true, doesn't mean that I like you. I hate you for what you put me through," Tom said.

"Yeah well, we didn't have a smooth ride either. If we were a couple, it would of made things easier," James said.

"I'll not speak of this anymore, if you don't," Tom said. Both Jessie and James nodded in agreement. "Good, you guys aren't really that bad in the end. See you later," Tom said. He stood up and he headed towards Harry and B'Elanna's table.

"I wish he acted like that all the time," Jessie said.

"Me too," James said.

"Why?" Duncan said.

Tani's Quarters:
"Why didn't you just talk to me?" Tani asked.

"I tried, but I couldn't get the words I needed out. I'm sorry if I scared you, I didn't mean to," Ashley said.

"I want you to know that I really hate you, but I accept your apology," Tani said.

"Thanks Tan, you're the best," Ashley said.

"Now, I have no friends again, this is all I need," Tani said.

"What about Lena?" Ashley asked.

"We fell out," Tani replied.

"I heard, but it still seems that you're friends," Ashley said.

"I know now that rumour I spread was a little harsh. Why do I keep driving people away?" Tani said.

"I don't know, I'm sure you don't do it on purpose. If you're using us an example, then you shouldn't. It was a bit of both of us," Ashley said.

"Lena hates me, Ashley, I noticed that she defended Jessie the other day, and not me. She hates my guts, I know it," Tani said.

"She doesn't. If she hates you, why did she help you?" Ashley asked. Tani shrugged her shoulders. "Because she still does care about you, that's why. She probably keeps going against you because she's angry. Let her cool off," Ashley said.

"You've just broken us up, and now you're trying to get me friends with Lena, why?" Tani asked.

"You said you had no friends, you made me feel more guilty," Ashley replied.

"Well, thanks anyway. I might try and give her another chance," Tani said.

"You do that," Ashley said. He headed towards the door.

"Ashley," Tani said. Ashley stopped at the door and he turned around. "It looks like I won the war after all, you surrendered," Tani said.

Ashley smiled slightly, and he walked out of the room leaving Tani on her own once again.

How did the Doctor prove Jessie and James' story? Will we hear anymore about the holonovel thing Tani and Ashley did? Will Tani and Lena make friends again after all? Will Lena follow Janeway's advice about Tani? And will PokéBall stick to their new name, Virus? Find out the answers to maybe some of these questions next time on Fifth Voyager.

 

****THE END****

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