_An Apple A Day

Episode Synopsis
The Doctor decides on a name, but not a surname. He then starts to try and change his image to impress Annika. People start to try and avoid him. Of course a common virus decides to take over the ship at that time.

Guest Stars
Marill as herself
Raichu as herself
Jeff Hardy as Ashley
Matt Hardy as Steve
Adam Blaustein as Foster

Written By
Marill & Raichu

14th & 16th December 2001

Episode Based In
December 2377


The Doctor sighed as he sat at his desk. He rested his chin on his hand, while he had his elbow on the desk.

"I can't stand my surname, I don't see why Duncan should be cursed with it," Jessie said.

"We can't just have his surname Stuart though, he'd only have that if we were married," James said.

"It doesn't matter," Jessie said.

"If you don't want Rex part of his name, what about Annet?" James asked.

"My real parents surname? You've gotta be joking," Jessie said in disbelief. The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"What's wrong with it?" James asked.

"You've seen my real mother, she's a posh fat cow. I kept Rex as my surname because I was trying to make myself believe that I wasn't related to someone like that," Jessie replied.

"I can understand that. I changed my surname to Stuart cos my mum still used Taylor as well," James said.

"And Tom was comparing you to that singer called James Taylor," Jessie said.

"Er, yeah, that too," James muttered.

"Have you decided yet?" the Doctor asked.

Jessie and James looked at the Doctor.

"I think his surname should just be Stuart," Jessie said.

"I don't, if we're not married then the kid should have both of our surnames," James said.

"Well, if you decide on just Stuart, at least I won't have to update the file when you get married," the Doctor said. Jessie and James glared at him. He looked down at his computer quickly. "I meant, if you get married. Yeah that'll do," he said quietly.

"I suppose he does have a point," James said.

"Are you finally coming to your senses?" Jessie said.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing," James muttered, and he looked away quickly. Jessie eyed him suspiciously.

"We've only been going out for four months, for god's sake," Jessie said in disbelief.

"Don't worry, I'm not planning a proposition," James said.

"I suppose that's good," Jessie said.

"Can you hurry up, please. I need to do other things today," the Doctor said.

"Rex-Stuart sounds silly, I say go with Stuart," Jessie said.

"I agree with her, Ensign," the Doctor said.

"Oh all right," James muttered.

The Doctor smiled in relief. He typed something on his computer. "There, Duncan's name has been officially changed to Duncan Stuart," he said.

"What about a middle name?" Jessie asked.

The Doctor groaned. "I've got things to do, if you want him to have a middle name, you can decide on what it can be and then come back to me tomorrow." He walked out of his office.

"A middle name is a good idea, Jess," James said.

"Right, I've got one. How does this sound, Duncan James Stuart," Jessie said.

"That's my name," James said.

"So? Parents sometimes name their kids after them," Jessie said.

"Fine, whatever. But we can have Jessie, no offense but it is a boy's name too," James said.

"Somehow I don't think Duncan Jessie Stuart sounds that good at all," Jessie said.

"How so?" James asked.

"Duncan Jessie doesn't fit well," Jessie replied.

"I suppose so," James said.

"I think that his middle name should be James, it sounds good," Jessie said.

"All right, but I bet Tom is going to get a kick out of it," James said.

"Do you mean that literally?" Jessie asked.

"Well even if he bugs us about it, no. I'd rather punch him than kick him," James replied.

Duncan walked in the office holding a tricorder. "Why," he said.

"I suppose we can call him James Junior," Jessie said as she picked Duncan up.

"Why?" Duncan asked.

"No way," James said.

"Oh, why not?" Jessie asked.

"Then I'd be called James Senior, that makes me feel old," James replied.

"Ok then, suit yourself," Jessie said.

The Ready Room, two hours later:
Tom walked in through the main door.

"What is it now, Tom?" Kathryn asked.

"I told you that those two are using Duncan as revenge material," Tom replied.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "The Doctor disproved that theory in the last episode."

"I know. But I'm sure they have trained that kid since the last episode. I found him in one of my holodeck programs. I'm pretty sure Pokémon weren't part of that program," Tom said.

Kathryn laughed slightly. "Oh I see now. I doubt that Duncan was able to tamper with your program on his own."

"Kiara managed to do it with Jessie and James' help, I don't see why Duncan can't," Tom said.

"Kiara was a lot older than Duncan is now. Anyway I'll deal with it," Kathryn said.

Tom sighed and he walked out of the room.

The door chimed again.

"Come in," Kathryn called.

Kiara walked in, and she came up to the desk.

"You called," she said.

"Yes. I heard that you tried to sabotage your mother band's performance last night. I want to know why," Kathryn said.

Kiara thought, "crap, I'm in trouble. Hey, I've got an idea."

"Well, er, I'm sure they were planning the same thing for my band," Kiara said. She clicked her fingers behind her back. Kathryn started yelling at her in lecture form.

Meanwhile in the Mess Hall:
"I need some coffee," James said suddenly.

"But you don't like coffee," Jessie said.

"I need some coffee," James said again. He stood up and he headed towards the door, as Lena came up to the table from the other direction.

"Ok, he's really starting to scare me," Jessie muttered.

"What's up?" Lena asked.

"James has turned into Janeway," Jessie replied.

"The universe must be saved. Excuse me," Lena said, and she followed James out of the room. "Hey, where are you going?" she asked.

"I need some coffee," James replied.

"But you don't like coffee, and why don't you get some from the Mess Hall," Lena said.

"There is none. I know Janeway has some," James said.

"Now that's suicide. How did this urge for coffee come up?" Lena asked.

"It just happened like a click of a finger," James replied.

"Click of a finger," Lena muttered. She thought for a few seconds. "Kiara!" she snapped. She rushed over to a nearby wall console. She worked on it, and she beamed away.

The Ready Room:
The door chimed. Kathryn caught her breath before calling the person in. It was Lena.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked Kiara.

"What now?" Kiara muttered.

"James is on his way here because he wants coffee. Sound familiar?" Lena asked. Kiara looked nervous.

"He's not getting my coffee," Kathryn muttered.

"He doesn't like the stuff. Kiara must of used her powers to lure him here so he'd get into trouble for stealing your coffee," Lena said.

"Kiara, is this true?" Kathryn asked.

"Well, yeah," Kiara muttered.

The door chimed.

The women ignored it. "I want to know why," Kathryn said.

"I thought you'd be too busy yelling at him to yell at me too," Kiara said.

"That's it, you're grounded young lady," Kathryn said.

"Mum, let me do it," Lena said.

"Fine," Kathryn muttered.

"Get to your bloody quarters now, and don't come out for five days!" Lena yelled. Even Kathryn cringed at the yelling.

"Ok," Kiara muttered.

"Oh, and on your way out, put him back to normal," Lena said.

"Why, it's probably an improvement," Kiara muttered as she walked past Lena.

"He'll be just like my mum though," Lena whispered. Kiara shuddered.

"Ok, I'll do it," she said.

"Why on earth do we have to work in the same place as Mick?" Ashley asked.

"I dunno," Steve replied.

"Two years of him is enough in my opinion," Ashley said.

"Yeah," Steve muttered.

"What's up with you?" Ashley asked.

"Nought," Steve replied.

"Doesn't seem like nought," Ashley said.

Steve sighed. "I still can't believe that it was you all along,."

"Oh, we're not getting into that again are we?" Ashley moaned.

"And I can't believe that I was being blamed for it," Steve said.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry, how many times do I have to apologise. I've apologised to you more than I apologised to Tani," Ashley said.

"I'm just going to work over there," Steve muttered, and he headed to the other side of the warp core.

The Mess Hall:
Kathryn walked through the main doors. She immediately crashed into a group of people. Everyone in the room was crowding around something. Kathryn groaned.

She thought. "Not another fight... ooh coffee."

She drank some of her coffee as she tried to get through the crowd. Most people smelled the air, and ran off.

Kathryn then saw what all the commotion was about.

"Annika would make a better mother than you, you stupid b**ch!" Kiara yelled.

Lena slapped her in the face. Her face went bright red by the blow.

Kathryn stormed over to the two girls. She put her hands on her hips, after putting her coffee on a table.

"Lena, how could you hit your own daughter like that!" Kathryn yelled.

"It's easy. I lift my hand up, and I slap her," Lena said.

"She's just a heartless cow," Kiara muttered.

"Why, thanks," Lena said.

"That's enough," Kathryn said harshly.

"But I was just getting started," Lena moaned.

"I said, that is enough!" Kathryn yelled.

Lena shrugged her shoulders. She punched Kiara in the arm, as she walked away. She walked straight past Kathryn on the way out.

"I'm getting really sick of all this fighting. Why were you two arguing?" Kathryn asked.

"It's really very simple, it's er, look behind you!" Kiara yelled. Kathryn looked behind her like the dope she is. She turned back around to find that Kiara had gone.

"That's the third time this week she's pulled that trick on me," Kathryn said.

Chakotay's Quarters:
Chakotay sighed, he rested his head on the hand that was leaning on his desk.

"Commander, are you listening to me?" Neelix asked.

Chakotay looked up at Neelix.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Chakotay said questioningly.

"What did I say then?" Neelix asked.

"Er... something about mistletoes," Chakotay replied.

"That was ten minutes ago!" Neelix exclaimed.

"Oh, sorry, you must have been boring me," Chakotay said.

Neelix sighed. "I was talking about tomorrow's Christmas party," he said.

"Didn't we have a disaster one last week?" Chakotay asked.

"We won't have a disaster one this week, this time it's going to go well," Neelix replied.

"How's that? The same people who caused the problems last time will probably come to this one," Chakotay asked.

"Don't worry Commander, this one will go well," Neelix replied.

"Well as long as Lena doesn't perform on the stage like she did in the last party," Chakotay said.

"Not again, I just changed your look a month ago," the Doctor said, and he stood up from his desk.

"Oh come on, Doc, it's my decision not yours," Lena said.

"Yes but, why do you want to change it again?" the Doctor asked.

"Because I've seen my actress performing with the hairstyle I want, it looks cool," Lena replied.

"Well at least it's more sensible than your last hairstyle," the Doctor said.

"Sensible? Yeah right. What I'm planning on doing, is putting temporary dye and stuff in my hair. When it fades away I'll dye it a different colour," Lena said.

"Ohno, what kind of dye?" the Doctor asked.

"For this single our band are doing, my hair has to be green," Lena replied.

"Green? That's not even natural!" the Doctor groaned.

"Did I mention bright green?" Lena asked.

"Oh dear god, your mother is going to kill me for doing it," the Doctor replied.

"No she won't, I'll be dying my hair. You just have to do that thing I told you," Lena said.

"Fine. But I want a favour off you," the Doctor said.

"Ok, name it," Lena said.

"That's quite an appropriate response there, Lena. I've decided on a first name, but I don't know what to have for my surname," the Doctor said.

"What is your first name?" Lena asked.

"Ryan," the Doctor replied.

Lena tried to keep a straight face. "Nice, let me think," she said.

The Doctor muttered to himself, "what's so funny? Ryan's a proper name, unlike Lena."

"I heard that. Lena is a proper name. My actress is called that, and she's Norweigian," Lena said.

"Just help me," Ryan said.

Lena smiled evilly, Ryan didn't notice. "What about Jones?" Lena asked.

"Doctor Ryan Jones, that's perfect," Ryan said.

"Glad I could help," Lena said, and she smiled evilly again.

The Mess Hall, the following night:
Neelix and a few others were putting red, blue and gold tinsel all around the walls. Others were putting flashy coloured Christmas lights around the windows, and replicators. Two people were putting up mistletoe on the ceiling, and above one of the doors. Three people were setting up a tree in the corner of the room.

Lilly and Triah were watching the people putting up the lights as they sat at their table.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Triah asked.

"I'm thinking of stealing those lights to put in my ship," Lilly replied.

"But your species doesn't celebrate Christmas," Triah said.

"Yeah, I know, but I've spent a couple of years with Humans, and I can't give up Christmas," Lilly said.

"I suppose, but that wasn't what I was thinking," Triah said.

"What were you thinking then?" Lilly asked.

"I was thinking that we could put some flashy lights on the outside of the ship. Some alien ships might get scared and back away, so at least we'll have a peaceful Christmas. Also the ship will look nice," Triah replied.

"But some aliens might be attracted to the lights," Lilly said.

"They won't attack us though, they'll probably just follow us," Triah said.

"Erm, I suppose. It's a good idea, but whoever does it will get murdered off Janeway," Lilly said.

"Why do you care, you're a Captain yourself. She doesn't outrank you," Triah said.

"Yeah, but this is her ship," Lilly said.

Meanwhile on a nearby table, Lena was listening in.

"Hey, James, I got the most perfect idea," she said as she turned back around.

"Ohno, what is it this time?" James asked.

"We could put Christmas lights all around the outside of the ship. That would certainly annoy my mum," Lena replied.

"Well how are you going to do it on your own?" James asked.

"I'm not, you're going to help," Lena replied.

"Oh no I'm not, I've been in trouble before but this would get me executed," James said.

"Why would it? It'll make the ship look more Christmasy," Lena said.

"Lena, your mum is a miserable old cow, she doesn't like anything," James said.

"Er..." Lena muttered and she pointed behind James. He slowly turned around to see Kathryn standing behind him, with her hands on her hips.

"What did you call me?" she said in an evil voice.

"Er... " James muttered.

"He said that you are a lovely Captain," Lena said.

"That's not what I heard," Kathryn said.

"Well I heard it," Lena said.

"He'd better of said that, or he's dead. Isn't that right, Ensign," Kathryn said harshly.

"Yes ma'am," James said quietly. Kathryn walked away.

"That was close," Lena muttered.

"I got wrong for that, Lena. I doubt we would get away with Christmas lights outside the ship," James said.

"I think we will. How will she know who it was," Lena said. She stood up and she headed towards the door that had the mistletoe above it, without noticing. James didn't notice either, so he followed.

"Hang on Lena," James said. They both stopped at the door.

"What?" Lena asked.

"Have you done something to your hair?" James asked.

"It's not finished yet, but yes. I'm growing it long, I asked the Doc to inject me with something that'll make my hair grow a lot faster," Lena replied.

They both heard some people laughing at them. Lilly and Triah walked over to them.

"Oh so they think my hair is funny," Lena growled.

"No they're not, it's just you're standing underneath mistletoe," Lilly said.

Lena and James looked up.

"No, the mistletoe can kiss my a*s," Lena said.

"Lena and James are underneath the mistletoe, kissy wissy," Tom laughed as he walked in to the room, through the other door.

"F**k off, Tom," James said. Tom pretended to be offended.

"I'm not going through this again, I'm getting away from this mistletoe," Lena said and she left the room.

"Again?" Kathryn said questioningly, and she stared angrily at James.

"S**t," James muttered, and he quickly left the room. Kathryn followed him as quickly as possible. Everyone just laughed.

James caught up with Lena, as Kathryn started to catch up with them.

"Red alert," James said quietly. Lena looked behind them.

"Oh s**t, she must of heard," Lena said.

Kathryn caught up.

"What did you mean by again?" she asked angrily.

"It was Emma's fault," Lena replied.

"Will you just stop walking while I'm talking to you?" Kathryn said angrily. All three stopped by the turbolift. "What happened?" Kathryn asked.

"Remember in The Resurrection when I was connected to Emma?" Lena asked.

"Yes," Kathryn replied.

"Well she must of had this urge to kiss Harry, and it was transmitted to me," Lena said.

"I think I remember the Doctor mentioning something about that," Kathryn muttered.

"That's it really," Lena said.

"Is it? Why James? What happened exactly?" Kathryn asked.

"He was the only one with me at the time. And what do you mean by what happened?" Lena replied.

"The second question was directed at him," Kathryn said.

"I don't know what you mean," James said.

"You know what I mean. Did you even try to stop her, did you kiss her back?" Kathryn asked.

"I did stop her, and no I didn't kiss her back," James said.

"If you did stop her, why did she still manage to kiss you?" Kathryn asked.

"I was taken by surprise, wouldn't you be? I managed to stop her just after it happened," James replied.

"Ok, young lady. You're coming with me," Kathryn said.

"I told you, it was Emma's fault," Lena moaned.

"You're coming with me, you need punishing," Kathryn said.

"What I did was a punishment," Lena moaned.

Kathryn walked into the turbolift. Lena slowly followed.

"And Ensign, you're going on your shift during the party," Kathryn said.

"But why? I didn't do anything?" James asked.

"No one goes through that with my daughter unpunished," Kathryn replied.

"What about Virus, we're performing one of our songs from our single tonight," Lena asked.

"Tough," Kathryn said. The turbolift doors closed.

James headed back the way he came. Craig came around the corner and he nearly collided with him.

"Hiya," Craig said in a cheerful tone of voice.

"Hi," James muttered.

"What's up with you?" Craig asked.

"I'm being punished for that incident on Thairo. Lena made it clear to Janeway that it was Emma's fault," James replied.

"Oh I think I know what you mean. Well it's about time," Craig said.

"What do you mean? Going through that was the punishment, we didn't enjoy it. Janeway said that anyone who goes through that with her daughter has to be punished. So that means you're dead meat," James said.

"She'll never know," Craig said.

The Mess Hall, ten minutes later:
Nearly all of the decorations had been put up, Neelix had disappeared from the room.

Craig and James were at a table nearby the Christmas tree.

"Just sneak in an hour after the party has started. Janeway will be too drunk to realise," Craig said.

"Yeah, you're right," James said.

"Do you have any idea which song on the single we're performing?" Craig asked.

"No, I think only Lena knows," James replied.

"I think the songs are great. They're a good combination, so it doesn't matter which one we put on in the end," Craig said.

"Well maybe we're going to do the one which we did the video for yesterday," James said.

"Yeah, today would be a good time," Craig said.

"I was thinking that too," James said.

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes.

"I've heard some rumours about you," Craig said suddenly.

"Here we go again, what is it this time?" James asked.

"Don't worry, only Ryan told me about it. He's suppose to be the only one who knows," Craig replied.

"What is it?" James asked.

"He said that you and Jess are engaged," Craig replied.

"Engaged? Where did he get that idea from?" James asked in disbelief.

"You both decided to keep Duncan's surname Stuart, instead of having Rex-Stuart. He thinks that you're doing it because you'll be getting married soon, so there's no point in having Rex-Stuart as Duncan's surname," Craig replied.

"He's got the wrong idea. Jessie wanted to have Duncan's surname just Stuart because she hates her surname," James said.

"Yeah, that's more believable. I couldn't imagine you trying to propose to Jessie," Craig said, and he started laughing.

"What's that suppose to mean?" James asked.

"I've got the mental image in my head of you trying to get the words out," Craig laughed.

"How do you know what I'd be like," James said angrily.

Craig wouldn't stop laughing. "You'll probably just give her the ring, and say here you go," he said in a fit of laughter.

"If that's what you think, I'll prove you wrong," James said.

"How? Are you going to practise on someone?" Craig asked, still laughing.

"No, idiot. I've been planning on asking Jessie since last week, after Duncan moved in," James replied. Craig stopped laughing.

"You can't be serious," Craig said.

"Well I figured that it would be a good idea, we've known each other for a long time," James said.

"Don't be stupid. You won't be able to do it. You maybe planning it now, but you'll probably not do it for a while," Craig said.

"What do you mean?" James asked.

"I hate to say it, but a spoilers page I read said that it won't happen until Season Three," Craig replied.

"Whoever wrote those spoilers must think I'm a coward," James said.

"You are, when it comes to these kind of things. No offense," Craig said, and he burst out laughing again.

"I'll prove you wrong, just wait and see," James said.

"Whatever," Craig muttered.

Nearly the entire crew had arrived in the Mess Hall. Some people were moving the large tables out of the room to make room for everyone.

All of the kids were brought in by Ryan. They all ran away from him, and they started eating the food that was available. Duncan picked up a bottle of vodka somebody had left.

"Er... your kid's got vodka," Craig said as he pointed behind James.

"Not again," James said, and he quickly went over to Duncan. He took the bottle off him. "Can't you wait till later, besides this one's mine," he said. Duncan attempted a growl.

"I want vodka," he said in a stroppy voice.

"I said later, everyone will be drunk and they won't remember that I let you had vodka. You don't want to get me into trouble, do you?" James said.

"No, but I want vodka, now!" Duncan stropped.

"Just give everyone half an hour to get drunk, ok," James said.

"Ok," Duncan muttered.

Suddenly everyone burst out laughing. Duncan pointed behind James.

"Who's that old fat guy?" he asked. James turned around, and he nearly burst out laughing too.

"I think that's Santa," he replied.

"What kind of old f**t calls himself Santa?" Duncan asked.

"Where did you learn that word?" James asked.

"Mum," Duncan replied as if he was expecting to get told off.

"Just wondering," James said.

Craig walked over to the two. "I think it's Neelix in disguise," he said, and he started laughing again.

"No kidding," James muttered.

All the kids, except Duncan, had went over to Santa.

"Ho ho ho, merry Christmas," Neelix said in a deeper voice than usual.

"Don't you want to see Santa?" Craig asked.

"No, he's a fat b*****d," Duncan replied.

Craig looked over at James. "What have you been teaching this kid?" he asked.

"Nought," James replied.

Craig looked back at Duncan. "Don't you want a present?" he asked.

"He has presents?" Duncan said questioningly. He rushed over to Santa.

"Ho ho ho, merry Christmas young man," Neelix said.

"I want a present!" Duncan said.

"Now that's not polite, young man," Neelix said.

"I want a present! Give me one now, you fat b*****d!" Duncan yelled.

Everyone who was watching them, immediately turned to James.

"What?" he said innocently.

Neelix knelt down so he was nearer Duncan's height.

"Swearing is wrong, young man. If you keep acting so bad, you won't get any presents this year," Neelix said.

"Bad Santa!" Duncan yelled, and he hit Neelix in the face.

Danny's daughter, Kirsty, started crying as usual.

"I want presents," Duncan said.

Tom walked over to Neelix.

"I don't think the Santa thing is working this year. Try again next year," he said.

"I think I will," Neelix said quietly.

"Everybody, can I have your attention please?" Tom asked loudly. Duncan went over to him, and he punched him in the leg. "Do you mind?" Tom said angrily.

"Bad first dad, you horrible dad," Duncan said.

"What? And your proper one's better, get real," Tom said.

James came over and he picked Duncan up.

"I want presents," Duncan said.

"Sorry about that folks. You have to expect corrupted people to have corrupted kids. Anyway I have a fun competition for you all this year. Decorate your own quarters with Christmas decorations, and whoever has the best quarters, wins," Tom said.

"What do we win?" Lilly asked.

"Enough chocolate to last three months," Tom replied. Nearly everyone started talking amongst themselves.

Harry came up beside him. "The competition starts tomorrow at 0900 hours," he said.

Kathryn and Chakotay came into the room.

"Oh s**t, I'd better get going to that damn duty shift," James said as he handed Duncan over to Craig.

"I'll contact you when Janeway's drunk enough to not care if you come back," Craig said.

"Ok, thanks," James said, and he rushed out the room passing Jessie. She headed straight over to Craig and Duncan.

"What's he in a hurry for?" she asked.

"Janeway's put him on security duty because she found about The Resurrection incident when Lena accidentally kissed him," Craig replied.

"Eew, yukky," Duncan said.

"Oh ok, speaking of which where is Lena?" Jessie asked.

"I haven't seen her for a while, I don't really know," Craig replied.

"Ok, people, lets start partying!" Tom yelled. Nearly everyone cheered loudly.

Half an hour later:
Almost everyone was already drunk. A lot of people were dancing to Don't Stop Movin by S Club 7.

Tom stumbled over to Jessie and Duncan. Jessie had given Duncan a bottle of light vodka, and he was half way through it already.

"You've given my son vodka, you b**ch!" Tom exclaimed.

"He's not your son, he's James'," Jessie said.

"Yeah right, Duncan's cute. James isn't cute, I am," Tom said in a slurry voice.

"I think you've got that the wrong way round. You're as cute as a toilet seat," Jessie said.

"That's no way to talk to your son's father," Tom said in his slurry voice.

"I'm not talking to my son's father," Jessie said.

"Stop trying to fool me," Tom said.

"Oh go away," Jessie said.

Tom started searching his pockets. He pulled out a pen knife. "I was wondering where that was. This'll do," he said.

Jessie hadn't noticed all of this. She put Duncan down, and she turned away from Tom to ignore him.

Tom quickly grabbed a hold of Jessie's arm, and he pulled her to him. He put the pen knife by her neck.

"Tom, what are you doing?" Harry asked in a slurry voice.

"She thinks that I'm not Duncan's dad. She says Duncan's James' son. She slept with him, the dirty cow," Tom replied.

"Jessie, you little slut," Harry said in his slurry voice.

"Oh for god's sake, you don't honestly believe that Duncan's Tom and my son?" Jessie muttered.

"Not now, you slept with my best friend, you dirty hussy," Tom said.

"Oh, now I've slept with Harry too. What's next, Chakotay?" Jessie moaned.

"You better not have. Besides, Harry's not my best friend. I meant James," Tom said.

"Ok, how much alcohol have you had?" Jessie asked.

"You're not lying are you, you slept with James!" Tom yelled so everyone could hear.

Everyone turned to look their way.

"Oh please, this is getting ridiculous," Jessie muttered.

Kathryn looked over to see what was happening. She clumsily tapped her commbadge.

"Kathy to Security Team, report to the Mess Hall. We have a hostage situation on our hands," she said in a slurry voice.

In: "Who is it?"

"Tom, he's taking Jessie hostage because he thinks that she slept with you," Kathryn said.

In: "Er, what's that got to do with him?"

"What it's true? Fancy sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend," Kathryn said in a shocked voice.

In: "Er, Jessie is my best friend."

"Any excuse, just get your team here now," Kathryn said.

Ten minutes later:
James, Thompson and Foster came into the room. Lena and Craig came up to them.

"This is really disturbing," Craig said.

"Can someone explain to me what's going on?" James asked.

"Everyone's had too much alcohol. For some reason Tom thought that he and Jessie were Duncan's parents. She told him that Duncan's dad isn't him, it's you. He acted like if it was a big shock to him. He thinks that you're his best friend," Lena replied.

"Erm, ok," James muttered.

"I think you'd better do something. I can't get through the crowd without throwing people around. Maybe if you come in through the other door, you might be able to stop him," Lena said.

"What weapon has he got?" Thompson asked.

"A pen knife, he has it against her neck," Craig replied.

"Cool!" Thompson laughed. James punched him in the face. He fell unconscious.

"Er, wasn't he a member of your team?" Lena asked.

"So? I can handle Tom on my own," James said.

"Yeah right," Foster muttered.

"Don't make me hit you," James said. Foster pretended to look scared.

"Ohno, don't. Don't hurt me," Foster said, and he burst out laughing. James punched him too.

"For god's sake, I hope you don't do that with every team you have," Craig said.

"I don't like these two. I'll go around the other way," James said, and he walked back out the room.

Five minutes later:
Tuvok and James came in the Mess Hall through the door closer to Tom and Jessie.

"Alcohol and humans don't mix," Tuvok said as they walked in.

"What? Tom's human?" James said.

Tom heard and he turned himself and Jessie around.

"There you are. How could you do this to your best friend," Tom said.

"Do what?" James asked.

"Sleep with my girlfriend," Tom replied.

"Excuse me while I throw up," Jessie muttered.

"What makes you think I'm your best friend?" James asked.

"I don't think that, not now," Tom replied.

"I'll try and come up behind him. You distract him. If he moves, shoot him," Tuvok said quietly.

"Gladly," James said.

"Don't kill him, just stun him," Tuvok said.

"You're no fun," James said.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, and he started to make his way around Tom, without him noticing, but he did. He turned around. James shot him, and he fell onto the floor. Jessie managed to get away in time.

"Er... were you suppose to do that?" Jessie asked.

"Tuvok said if he moves shoot him," James replied. Tuvok came back over.

"I didn't mean like that," Tuvok said.

"Oops, sorry," James said.

"I think you should apologise to Tom," Harry said in a slurry voice.

"Er... sorry," James said to Tom's unconscious form.

"You didn't mean that," Harry said and he walked off.

"Er, he looks dead," Jessie said.

"Good, we'd better get this mess cleaned up and we can perform our song," Lena said.

"Right, I'll call Ryan," Craig said. He tapped his commbadge. "Anderson to Jones, please come to the Mess Hall," he said.

In: "What for?"

"We want as much people as we can to listen to our new song," Craig said.

In: "All right, I'm on my way."

Five minutes later:
Virus were on the set up stage. Everyone who was conscious were surrounding the stage.

"Ok, this single is dedicated to the Doctor, or sorry Ryan Jones," Jessie said.

The chorus started playing seconds later. "Doctor Jones, Jones, calling Doctor Jones. Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones. Get up now."

"Wake up now," Craig sang.

A lot of people were laughing now, at Ryan.

"Now I know why Lena suggested Jones for my surname," he muttered to himself.

The song ended three minutes or so later. Everyone cheered, and started clapping.

"Remember, our single Doctor Jones, along with another song, will be released tomorrow!" Lena yelled. Everyone cheered again. Ryan left the room in a huff.

The Holodeck:
Ryan walked in through the main doors. The Mental Institution program was open.

"Why doesn't anybody treat me with respect anymore," he muttered to himself.

He walked into one of the small rooms. Annika was there, sitting in the corner.

"Doctor? What are you doing here?" she asked nervously.

"I wanted to talk to somebody who treats me with respect," Ryan replied.

"Oh," Annika said.

"I finally decided on a name, it's now Ryan Jones. But I didn't realise there was a song in the 20th century called Doctor Jones," Ryan said.

"Ok, Ryan. That is a nice name," Annika said.

"Thanks, at least somebody appreciates it," Ryan said. Annika smiled at him.

"Who wouldn't," Annika said.

"People like Lena, who thinks it's one big joke," Ryan said.

"Don't let that little witch get you down, Ryan," Annika said.

"Thanks, Annika, that means a lot to me," Ryan said.

The next day, the Bridge:
Nearly everybody woke up with a hangover, so they were all on their duty shifts holding their heads.

"Ooh, it's only six days till Christmas," Lena said loudly. Everyone moaned.

"Ow, don't yell," Jessie muttered.

"Oh yeah, sorry," Lena said.

James and Craig come on the Bridge, with a scared look on their faces. They rushed over to Jessie and Lena.

"Does any of you know who tampered with Ryan's program?" James asked.

"No, why?" Lena replied.

"He's acting really weird," Craig said.

"He can't be that scary," Jessie said.

"No, we're just scared because we saw Annika in Sickbay," Craig said.

"What's she doing in there?" Lena asked.

"It looks like Ryan was showing off to her," James replied.

"Ohno, don't tell me that he's still in love with Annika," Lena muttered.

"I feel sick again," Jessie said.

"Don't say that," James said.

"Why not?" Lena asked.

"I'm just paranoid," James replied.

"About what?" Craig asked.

"Doesn't matter," James muttered.

"Oh come on," Jessie said.

"Ok, but I'm just telling you," James said. He whispered something in Jessie's ear.

"Aw," Craig and Lena muttered. Craig looked at Lena.

"Is he thinking anything yet?" he asked.

"No, sorry," Lena replied.

"You're right, you are paranoid," Jessie said.

Lena pulled a face. "I knew you'd think it eventually. What happened at the party last night?" Lena said.

"That's what I'd like to know. I can't remember much after performing Doctor Jones," James said.

Kathryn came onto the Bridge.

"Conference Meeting day, remember. Our meeting will be at a later time of 1300 hours," she said.

"But that's dinner time," Tom moaned.

"Deal with it," Kathryn said and she went into her Ready Room.

B'Elanna came into the room. She sneezed twice. Ryan came over to her.

"Hello there, B'Elanna, how may I help you today?" he asked in a dodgy Canadian accent.

"Er... Doc, what have you done to your program?" B'Elanna asked, and she sneezed.

"I've reprogrammed it, Miss Torres. Please lie on the Biobed, and I'll treat that nasty cold of yours," Ryan said. He picked up a bottle of strange tablets.

"Doc, what happened to the normal hypospray?" B'Elanna asked.

"Tablets contain more vitamins than a silly hypospray. Now you must take two every three hours. But be warned, 70% of the time they do cause diarrhea, and sometimes headaches," Ryan replied.

"It's ok, Doc, my cold's getting better already," B'Elanna muttered, and she rushed out.

"As you wish," Ryan muttered. Annika came over to him.

"You're such a good Doctor, Ryan," she said.

"Yes I am," Ryan said.

1300 hours, the Conference Room:
Everyone waited until Kathryn stopped with her sneezing fit. Tom was counting with his fingers.

"Hey if she reaches thirty, she'll beat Voyager's record," Tom whispered to Harry.

After two more sneezes she stopped.

"Thirty one, a new record," Tom said quietly.

"In a matter of hours, the illness known as the cold has been spreading around the ship.. " Kathryn said, and she sneezed again. "I'd like to know how somebody managed to catch it, and managed to spread it around the ship in a matter of hours," Kathryn said, and she sniffed.

"I have no idea Captain, I've called Doctor Jones up here but for some reason his mobile emitter has disappeared," Tuvok said. Three people sneezed in unison.

"Speaking of Doctor Jones, what's wrong with him?" B'Elanna asked, and she sneezed four times.

"Doctor Jones, Jones, calling Doctor Jones," Lena sang to herself, and she sneezed.

"Lena.." Kathryn said and she sneezed. "Stop that," she finished.

"Sorry," Lena muttered. Four people sneezed.

Tom sneezed on Harry's hand by accident.

"Eew, do you mind?" Harry whined.

"Sorry, here's a hanky," Tom said. He pulled a used hanky out his pocket and he handed it to Harry.

"Er, it's ok," Harry muttered.

"According to the sensors, more than 60% of the crew have the cold," Tuvok said.

"Wow, how did you get the sensors to work that out?" James asked.

"It's easy. When someone sneezes the wind factor goes up," Tuvok replied. Lena giggled.

"Wind," she said.

"Not that kind of wind," Tuvok said.

"Well, too finish this meeting off, I want everyone of you to report to Sickbay to get yourselves treated," Kathryn said.

"But I'm not ill," Triah said.

"Neither am I," James said. A few others agreed.

"You will be after sharing a room with us," Kathryn said, and she had another sneezing fit.

"But Ryan is acting really scary. You should see his treatment," B'Elanna said.

"Those tablets. I'd rather have the cold than diarrhea," Lena said.

"We're going to have to put his program back to normal. Everyone's going to be too scared to go to Sickbay if he keeps this up," Chakotay said.

"Agreed," Kathryn said.

"Why do we have to be the distracting squad?" Tom asked.

"I dunno," Harry replied. Tom, Harry, and Craig went up to Ryan. They started talking to him.

The doors opened, and B'Elanna, Jessie and James snuck in. They started working at the station.

"Can we please?" Jessie asked quietly.

"No, Janeway said back to normal," B'Elanna replied.

"Fine," Jessie muttered.

B'Elanna sneezed twice.

"Was that you Tom?" Ryan asked.

"Er, yes," Tom replied. He pretended to sneeze.

B'Elanna, James and Jessie sighed in relief, and they continued working.

Ryan suddenly flickered heavily. He looked around, really confused.

"What happened?" he asked in his normal accent.

Annika rushed out of the office. "Hey, who put him back to normal?" she asked angrily.

"So it was you who reprogrammed him," Tom said.

"No, I don't think so. I would of done a better job," Annika said.

B'Elanna continued working. The station bleeped.

"Then how come the computer says it was you that tapped into his program two hours before I came in here originally?" B'Elanna asked. She sneezed a couple of times.

"Annika? I thought you respected me as an individual," Ryan said.

"I do, but I noticed a few people caught the cold, so I thought I could get my own back this way," Annika said.

"I'm sorry, Annika, you're going back to the Mental Institution. You're still not ready yet," Ryan said.

"Yes I am, I didn't want to kill anyone," Annika said.

"But you still wanted revenge on the crew. I'm sorry, you're going back," Ryan said. He nodded his head at B'Elanna. She keyed in some commands, and Annika beamed away.

"I thought she respected me," Ryan muttered.

Tom put his hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Don't worry Doc, she probably does in her own way. Like you said, she still isn't cured," Tom said.

"I suppose you're right," Ryan muttered.

"I think you should get started with treating the crew," B'Elanna said. She sneezed again.

"I still don't understand why people didn't want to take the tablets," Ryan muttered. Everyone looked at each other nervously.

Holodeck 2, the following night:
The entire crew were in a large stadium. The room was dark, the only bit of light were the discolights flashing on the stage.

"And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for. It's Virus, with their second song on their second single!" the announcer yelled.

Virus ran onto the stage, as fireworks were set off at the sides.

"This song is also dedicated to Ryan Jones! Get ready to rock!" Lena yelled. She now had her hair down to her back, which was dyed bright green. She had put green glitter in her hair too.

Quiet music music started.

"You know an apple a day. Won't keep the doctor away," Lena sang.

The band started dancing as the main music started.

"Welcome to the cliches. Welcome to the part where we wanna finish what we can't start. Come and get me. Just don't miss the water, until the well is dry. You got to learn walking after you can fly. Come and get me," Lena sang.

"What goes in, will get out. What goes up, comes right down. We go up, we go up, we go up," Craig sang.

"You know an apple a day," Lena sang. The others repeated after her. "Won't keep the doctor away," Lena sang, the others again repeated.

The music stopped after three or so minutes, and everyone cheered.

"Thanks everybody!" Lena yelled.

"Remember, Christmas is less than a week away!" Craig yelled.

The Bridge, five minutes later:
"That's strange, why didn't anything bad happen?" Kathryn asked.

"A lot of bad things happened," Chakotay replied.

"But nothing like the previous episodes," Kathryn said.

Marill & Raichu appeared. Everyone on the Bridge groaned or rolled their eyes.

"Stop your whining. You want something bad to happen, I can arrange it," Marill said.

"It's ok, I was just wondering," Kathryn said.

"Well for that we'll have another Christmas episode, but something bad can happen in it," Raichu said.

"Oh yes, I've been looking forward to the next one," Marill said, and she giggled like a little kid.

"I'm not with her, she just follows me around everywhere," Raichu muttered.

"Oh yeah, Steps," Marill said. Raichu giggled, and she went into a daydream. "She's obsessed," she said.

"Oh yeah? I can do better. Aqua," Raichu said. Marill went into a daydream, and she started dancing to nothing.

"Halloween, in the death of the night here me scream," she sang. Everyone covered their ears.

"Oops, I'll fight back. Mummy Returns," Raichu said.

Marill stopped singing Halloween, and she went into another daydream.

"That'll keep her occupied for a few minutes. For ten minutes I'll just say, Team Rocket," Raichu said.

"He he, Victreebell, Wobbuffet are so funny," Marill giggled, and she went into a daydream about the Mummy Returns and Pokémon.

"Can you please go, when I said that something bad didn't happen I didn't want something bad to happen. Go away," Kathryn said.

"Oh, ok then," Raichu said, and she disappeared. She reappeared and she whispered something in Marill's ear. They both disappeared.

"Thank god for that," everyone muttered.

"How can you have a daydream about Mummy Returns and Pokémon?" Tom asked.

"Duh, that's where the next movie idea came from," Harry said.

"Eh?" Tom said questioningly.

"Jessie and James are in it, Pokémon have two characters with the same name," Harry said.

"Oh," everyone said.

When will Annika finally be cured? Will Ryan keep his new surname? Will the writers get thrown into a Nut House soon? Why is Marill so obsessed with the Mummy Returns, Aqua and Pokémon? Why is Raichu obsessed with Steps? What was the Doctor Jones and An Apple A Day video like?
Find out the answers to maybe some of these questions next time on Fifth Voyager.


****THE END****

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