(Parts 1 & 2)

This episode is all my ideas, it is not based on an original episode and was not inspired by anything. Believe it or not but this episode came to mind when planning out Season 3, and it fits better in this season.

Episode Synopsis
A strange virus starts to infect the women of the ship causing the male crewmembers some bother

Written By
Marill & Vulpix

14th - 15th & 25th August 2002

Episode Based In
October 2370 (early season 1)

Last time on B4 Fifth Voyager
"Just get some from the replicator," Neelix suggested, secretly relived that his cooking wasn't the problem.

"Can't... haven't had any today.. replicator says... have reached my daily dosage," Faye mumbled against the table.

"You too, everyone's having that problem. Someone must of overused the replicators," Neelix said.

"Didn't he mention me at all? I was his first girlfriend after all," Seska said.

"Yeah, why Seska?" Jessie replied.

James sighed and he turned away.

"Why her? She's an ugly alien who, for starters, is a lot older than you?" Jessie asked.

James turned back to her. "It just happened, I didn't want it to happen. I'd rather not talk about it."

"I don't think we should be friends as long as I have this feeling inside me. It's already caused us some bother already, I don't want it to happen again," James said.

"So what? Friends argue all the time, we used to fight non stop when we were at school and college. I'd be worried if we didn't fight. Besides how long are you willing to keep our friendship on hold for, you don't know how long this so called crush will last," Jessie said.

"No wait, I have to threaten you first. Ahem, you're never going to catch me so I may as well say this... uhoh, who is that insane looking girl at my door," the voice said.

"Hehe, I got your house number," Vulpix's voice came from the younger phone.

The Doctor looked puzzled. "A DNA test, what for?"

"I think.. I have reason to believe that he's my estranged son," Kathryn replied.

"According to the DNA scan, you are his mother," the Doctor said.

"I'm not usually that good at stuff like this, but I just want to say that I'm sorry for leaving you at such a young age. I didn't leave you because I hated you, I left you because it was best for you. I hope when I do find the courage to tell you the truth, you'll forgive me," Kathryn said softly.

"I take it you haven't fully sobered up, talking to your unconscious son is the first sign of madness," Chakotay said."I take it you managed to go through the DNA test."

"You take it right, I erased the Doctor's memory. The less that know about it the better," Kathryn said.

"I am tired of people just deactivating me whenever they feel like it. I was just deactivated while in the middle of a treatment," the Doctor replied.

"It's all right, Doctor. I'll talk to the Captain about this," Kes said, she turned around and went straight back out.

Tom turned around. "Hey, I believe her. Lay off."

"What's wrong with you? Why are you sticking up for her?" James asked.

Tom shrugged. "I'd rather believe what she said than what Danny said."

"You told me that your girlfriend back in college used you then dumped you," Jessie said quietly.

"It didn't happen... I gotta go," James said.

"Ok, I think I need an explanation," Jessie said and she folded her arms.

"Seska and me, we were just friends. I asked her to play along," James said quietly.

"I've been accused of being gay ever since I started Comprehensive school. I figured that if I tell everyone that story, they won't accuse me of it again," James replied.

"I hate being lied to, you could at least tell me why you did it," Jessie said.

"Ian's one of my friends, you've seen the way he thinks of me. I didn't want any of my friends to think I was some sad loser," James said.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, I'd be proud of it. I thought that we'd tell each other everything, there was no need to lie to me," Jessie said.

"I can't believe it, you lied to me just because you didn't want any kind of relationship with me. Is that it?" Jessie asked angrily.

"That's the problem, there's one part of me that does. I didn't want it to win. I just want to be your friend," James replied.

"Oh, so if we ever did get together .. we wouldn't be friends anymore. That would never happen," Jessie said.

"You're not just angry that I lied to you, are you? It feels like you're angry with what I kept from you," James said.

"What, don't be ridiculous. You lied about your, what's the word.. virginity. That's got nothing to do with me," Jessie said.

"Then why are you acting like it is?" James asked.

"I'm going to bed," Jessie said quickly, she rushed into her room.

"Ooh, someone's jealous," Seska said in a teasing voice.

"I'm not jealous, I'm just telling the truth," Jessie muttered.

"Yeah, well here's the real truth. You want him, so do I, but I'm going to get him first whether you like it or not," Seska said.

Jessie stood up so she could face Seska. "Let's get one thing straight. I'm his friend, and if you want him so badly, you'll have to go through me."

"He was right, you are a little too overprotective. I wonder why," Seska teased. Jessie narrowed her eyes and she smacked Seska right in the face. "Bad move, little girl," Seska said, she hit her back.

"I'm guessing that you've been pretending to be his friend so one day you'll be able to get him into bed with you," Kathryn said.

Jessie looked disgusted, "you disgusting little witch. What kind of theory is that?"

"A good one," Kathryn replied.

"No, I've heard enough. I'm not some slut. And besides I've been friends with him since I was four, I somehow doubt a four year old would be planning something like that," Jessie said.

"No, it's none of her bloody business. Besides my point is that you have to be careful with first boyfriends, you have to learn to trust them, know what makes them tick, everything. Just with us, we can skip that since we already done that stuff," Jessie said, getting quieter with each word she spoke.

James looked rather nervous. "Er, what are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that maybe it'll be a good learning experience.. oh for god's sake, James, just kiss me damn it," Jessie said before she lost her nerve.

Danny glanced up at Tom, then she glanced down at the table. "Oh, just saw some guy I sorta like kissing another girl."

Tom smiled slyly and he sat down next to Danny. "A guy you like, huh?"

Danny rolled her eyes. "I don't fancy him or any crap like that, Tom. I just like him."

"Who's this guy then?" Tom asked, all curious as usual.

"If you laugh, I'll pummel you. James," Danny replied.

"You see... I'm a victim too," Tom said.

Danny's eyes widened, "you like James too?"

Tom stared blankly at Danny for a few seconds. "No, you stupid bimbo. I know who he's probably with."

"Yeah, whatever. You know, we've both been rejected in a way.. so how about.." Tom said.

"All right, I will," Danny said.

"Er.. how did you know what I was going to ask?" Tom asked.

"Unlike Jess, I'm not a rookie," Danny replied.

"Ookay then," Tom said.

"Just don't tell Jess and James that I told you about them," Danny said.

"Coffee, black," Chakotay repeated.

"That substance is not available in the current database," the computer said.

Kathryn grinned again. "Want to give mummy a hug?"

James' eyes widened in horror. "Er, you're not my mum."

Kathryn glanced to the side, she then glanced back at James in a confused way. "I'm not? Oh I thought I was. Oh who cares, just give me a hug!"

"I gotta go and do things," James replied nervously.

"But, what about my hug?" Kathryn asked.

Jessie glanced at James. "Did she get the coffee back or something?"

"No, she's had worse," James replied. He looked towards the pile of empty bottles of Coca Cola.

Kathryn clumsily pulled herself to her feet. She kept on wobbling to the side as she tried to stand still. "That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you, young lady. Why were you kissing my son?"

Jessie looked confused. "Your son, I didn't even know that you had one."

"He's standing right beside you, you slutty bimbo!" Kathryn yelled.

James covered his face with his right hand. Jessie folded her arms. "He isn't your son, and besides it isn't any of your business. Secondly, I'm not a slut."

"Then what's the problem?" Chakotay asked.

In: "James hacked into the replicator, it's as simple as that."

"Uhoh," James muttered.

"Uhoh indeed! Now you maybe in your twenties, and an ex Marquis, but I can still spank you to the cows come home! Now get over here!" Kathryn yelled.

"James, just put the coffee back. I'll distract her," Chakotay said.

"You're never too old for a good old smack on the bum," Kathryn said angrily.

"Er, ookay. You don't just spank any old person either," Chakotay said.

"Are you amnesiac or what, I told you.." Kathryn said.

"Shh, do you want him to find out," Chakotay whispered.

"Oooh, coffee!" Kathryn exclaimed. She drank it all down and she grinned in a hyper way. She went over to James, he backed away a little. She just patted him on the shoulder. "Good boy."

Chakotay and James both sighed in relief. Kathryn suddenly grabbed Chakotay and she gave him a big hug. Chakotay was eventually freed, and he caught his breath back. Kathryn then grabbed a hold of James, she gave him a hug too. She didn't let go though.

"She hasn't really been nice to Jess, so I wanted to get her back," James replied.

"Let Jessie get her own back next time," Chakotay said, he left the room.

"Anyway I must admit that whole scene the other day did seem very unexpected, but it wasn't forced. Just remember, all you need to worry about is if somebody, besides Janeway with those damn cameras, actually saw us," James said.

"Let me guess, you're wondering if anyone saw you two making out the other day. Well you don't have to worry about that," Tom said.

"I don't think so, somehow," James said.

"Why would they lie?" Tom asked.

"Maybe to try and win a bet or something. You know how some sad people are," Jessie replied.

"Bets ey," Tom muttered. 

And now the conclusion
Tom's Quarters:
"Ohno, we're not going to spy on the crew with those cameras," Harry moaned.

"Why not? Oh.. you think I'm going to.. oh Harry, is that what you think of me?" Tom said questioningly.

"I don't know to be honest. What are you going to do with those security cameras?" Harry asked.

"Well I thought we could set up a bookies, and use the camera's to you know.." Tom replied.

"Tom, that is lame plus it's against the rules," Harry said.

"Harry we're seventy years away from home, we need to dump a few rules to pass the time. It's just a little bit of fun," Tom said.

"Yes but using the cameras to help you win the bets is just sad," Harry said.

"No you've got it all wrong. If someone bets, for example, that Janeway will have about ten cups of coffee by 1000 hours, then I'll be able to prove it so they can win the bet," Tom said.

"Sounds a bit of a sad bet to me," Harry muttered.

"Yeah well some people may be just a little desperate to win some rations, you know how bad Neelix's cooking is," Tom said.

"Ok, ok.. I just don't think it's a very good idea to go through the security cameras just to run this bookie thing," Harry said.

"How else would I be able to prove a better that they've won or lost, would you rather have me lie and say they've lost just to get rations off them?" Tom asked.

"I guess not, it's just people's privacy is at stake here," Harry replied.

"I'm sure some people wouldn't mind that if it means not having to put up with Neelix's cooking as much," Tom said.

"I guess you're right, but I'm not having anything to do with this," Harry said.

"Ok, that's fine. You don't want to ruin your clean record, I understand," Tom said.

"It's not clean," Harry said angrily.

"Have you done anything wrong?" Tom asked.

"Not that I know of," Harry replied.

"Well it's clean then," Tom said.

"Oh fine then, I'll help," Harry said.

"What?" Tom said confused.

"Oh never mind," Harry said, he walked out of the room.

The Mess Hall:
"She what!?" Ian exclaimed.

"You heard me," Lee said.

"Are you sure it was her?" Ian asked.

"Yeah very sure. Blonde, short.. hyperactive," Lee replied.

"Why would Danny go out with Tom," Ian muttered to himself.

"I don't know, he's suppose to have a, you know 'getting girlfriends easy' reputation," Lee said.

"But Danny's never been one of those girls who's easily won over," Ian said.

"I guess you would know huh," Lee sniggered.

"Shut up," Ian muttered.

James came over to the table. "Danny's always been a bit of a dater, she just died down a bit at college."

"And you would know that?" Lee sniggered.

"I was her friend at school, yeah I should know," James said.

"You won't believe who Danny's been caught going out with," Ian muttered.

"Try me, who?" James asked.

Lee sniggered again, Ian glared at him. "Tom."

James tried to keep a straight face, "Tom?"

"See, he ain't angry.. why are you?" Lee asked.

"Well I er she's my friend," Ian replied. James and Lee glanced at each other, and then back at Ian with raised eyebrows. "Ok ok, James you know.. she rejected me in college. It seems a bit insulting that she'd go out with Tom."

"Oh I love it when people tell me about rejection," Lee sniggered.

"Shut up," Ian muttered.

"Sounds to me like you're jealous of Tom, just like you were of that guy she went out with in the last year of college," James said.

"Oh this is getting better," Lee laughed.

"Jealous? That's a good one, she's got a disgusting mind, she's nasty to me all the time, I don't care who she goes out with," Ian said.

"So why are you angry?" Lee sniggered.

"I told you, what's Tom got that I haven't?" Ian asked angrily

"Well a date record," James replied, he and Lee burst out laughing.

Ian raised his eyebrow, he shook his head. "You have no right to laugh, you've never had a girlfriend.. yet I've had loads."

"Loads? You said you only went out with one girl called Dee, according to Jess she never met you before," James said.

Lee fell onto the table laughing. Ian hit him hard in the arm. "Shut up! That girl must of been lying, either that or Jessie asked the wrong Dee."

"I don't think so, you pointed Dee out to us... Jessie went over to her the same day when you weren't around," James said.

"She must of lied then.. I went out with her, and loads others," Ian said.

"Face it, you're girlfriendless," James said.

"No.. that's you," Ian said.

"At least I admit it," James said.

"Oh god, you two are such losers," Lee laughed.

"Tell me Lee how many girls have you went out with?" Ian asked angrily

Lee stopped laughing, he looked nervous. "Well er loads."

"You're calling us losers yet you're girlfriendless too," Ian said.

"Ah you admit it now," James said. Ian rolled his eyes.

"Hey I'm not old like you two. I got plenty time, at your age I'd be embarrassed," Lee said.

"Old?" James and Ian said in unison.

Lee looked nervous again. "I meant older."

"I don't know why I'm talking to you two. You were accusing me of being gay the other day just because I've never had a girlfriend in the past, yet you're in worst states than I am," James said.

"Worst states? It's the same isn't it," Ian said.

"No not really," James said.

"Did I miss something?" Ian asked.

"Duh, you're a bigger loser than he is. He must mean he has a girlfriend now," Lee replied.

"Oh yeah, that's believable," Ian said.

"That's it, I'm outta here," James said, he walked away from Ian and Lee's table.

"Did I say something wrong?" Ian asked.

"Loser," Lee sniggered.

"Oh shut up," Ian muttered.

James/Jessie's Quarters:
Jessie was standing outside the bathroom, Danny was inside putting make up on in front of the mirror.

"Why here, you got your own quarters," Jessie asked.

"Well the girl I'm sharing with can't stand make up, she never stops ranting on whenever I put some on," Danny replied. She picked up some lipstick and she started putting it on. She finished, then she put it back on the shelf. "Besides I'm running out of makeup."

"Hey, I didn't say you could borrow mine," Jessie said as she marched into the bathroom.

"Chill out, I used your replicators that's all. I'll pay you back when I get my rations tomorrow," Danny said.

"Fine. Who's the lucky guy?" Jessie asked.

"He isn't lucky. He ain't going out with me properly. I'm just going out with him cos he's a laugh. He's not my boyfriend," Danny replied.

"I thought that would be lucky," Jessie said.

"Hey, you don't mean that," Danny said as she started putting eyeliner on.

"Whatever. Who's the guy?" Jessie asked.

"I don't see why I have to answer that. You haven't told me who your new boyfriend is," Danny replied.

"I don't have one," Jessie said.

"Yeah you do, I know who it is," Danny said.

"I told ya, I don't have one," Jessie said.

"Yes you do, I saw you and him.. you know," Danny said.

Jessie's eyes widened in horror, "what?"

"I saw you and Jamesy kissing the other day, don't worry I didn't tell anyone," Danny said.

"I don't believe it," Jessie muttered.

"Believe it, now I gotta go," Danny said, she stuffed all her makeup in her bag.

"No, it's only fair if you tell me who you're going out with," Jessie said.

"No it isn't, I found out for myself, see ya later," Danny said. She walked out of the bathroom, and went straight out the main door.

Marill's house:
Marill and Vulpix were standing nearby the terminally insane internet computer, keeping a close eye on ten shadowed people standing behind the sofa.

"So who do you think stole all the Cherry Coke?" Vulpix asked.

"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I just heard that computer come up with a blue screen," Marill replied.

Vulpix turned around, the insane computer had indeed brought up a blue screen. "Why do you have it on anyway, it's not even yours, it's your mums."

"Good thing too," Marill muttered.

The insane pair glanced back and forth at the ten people. Vulpix and Marill went over to the first person. "Vulpix, what the hell is Clinton doing here?" Vulpix just shrugged.

"I didn't have sexual relations with Vulpix," Clinton said.

"Thank god, if you had I'd of committed suicide," Vulpix muttered.

"Ok ok, what about Raichu?" Clinton suggested as he read off a card.

Vulpix smiled, "who knows what Raichu's been up to, ey Marill."

Marill rolled her eyes and she elbowed Vulpix in the arm. "The suggestion about even Raichu is less realistic.. moving on." Marill tried to keep calm when she saw who was next. "Vulpix, why is Gareth Gates in my house?"

"He's insane enough to pull a stunt like this. Besides, nearly everyone knows you hate his guts, maybe he hates yours," Vulpix replied.

"I... have no idea.......(2 minute silence) what you're on... about," Gareth stuttered.

"Quit it with the stuttering, everyone knows you just did it to get the sympathy vote," Marill said. She pulled out a gun and she shot Gareth.

"You know, a lot of people are going to hate you for that," Vulpix said.

"I know, but my mum will love me for it, I may get spoilt for all eternity. Moving on," Marill said.

"I have some H brainwashing to do you know, Vulpix. You said he was in your series," Claire Richards said.

Marill's eyes widened when she saw Claire, she shot her too. "Moving on."

"I think H's character, James has been through enough already," Vulpix muttered. Marill nodded slightly.

"They were all suppose to be guys, Vulpix. That manager said it was a guy," Marill said.

"Yeah I know, I just thought you might want to shoot Claire," Vulpix muttered.

"Of course I did, I mean that dumb bomb didn't go off like I planned it to. I carefully planned it so it wouldn't kill Will Young or H," Marill said.

"You carefully planned it too well," Vulpix muttered.

Marill rolled her eyes. She then narrowed her eyes. "Enrique Inglesias?"

"Yeah, can you hurry up a little. I got a date with the girl who can't act or even play tennis," Enrique said.

"Can I kill him now?" Marill asked.

"No I got a better idea," Vulpix said. She whispered something in Enrique's ear. He left the room.

"Where's he going?" Marill asked in a worried voice. All that was heard was a high pitched scream.

"I think Enrique just went into your room, it is a death trap," Vulpix said.

"I'm not cleaning up the mess," Marill muttered.

"You never do anyway," Vulpix said. Marill ignored her.

The next five were Hear'Say. Johnny stepped forward. "I have to go, I have a date with my Lisa or Jessie as you call her here."

Vulpix snatched the gun off Marill and she shot Johnny countless times. "Sorry people, I'm a J-Stepper," Vulpix said to the camera.

"Vulpix.. you're going to clean up that blood before my mum gets home aren't you?" Marill said.

"Um, no," Vulpix muttered, she kept a tight hold of the gun.

"Never mind, just dispose of the rest of the band so no one will ever see them again.. I can't stand them," Marill said.

"Never see them again.. ok, follow me to Marill's room," Vulpix giggled. Marill threw all the TV remotes at Vulpix, they all hit her on the head. She fell unconscious.

"I have a better way of getting rid of you all," Marill said. She pressed Control Alt Delete on the computer and she ran into the kitchen. Smoke came from the computer and it blew up! It killed Hear'Say and Clinton, but magically Vulpix and the last guy survived. Marill came back in, somehow the computer was once again in one piece.

"Works everytime," Marill muttered. Vulpix came back into consciousness.

"So, the last guy. He's the one we captured last. He's in disguise at the moment," Vulpix said.

"Ok, who is he then?" Marill asked.

"I will kill you all, you lot first.. you have corrupted my mind with your series! I used to be the most feared guy in the world, now everyone thinks I am a nutcase," the guy rambled on. Vulpix pulled his mask and wig off to reveal... Osama Bin Laden!!

"Er, weren't you always a nutcase," Marill said.

"No, my plans for world domination were plotted out before I read your god forsaken series," Osama said.

"Something tells me we're going to get flamed for this episode," Vulpix whispered. Marill nodded in agreement.

"First I took away your Cherry Coke, and replaced it with Diet Coke with Lemon. Now I will take away the rest of your sanity. You have not seen the last of me... bwahahahaha!" Osama laughed. He stopped for a second. "Er, can I have your new mobile number, Marill?"

"Hell no, how did you get my old number?" Marill asked.

"I shall leave in my spaceship now, bye all," Osama quickly replied. He beamed away leaving Marill and Vulpix rather confused, nothing new there.

"Wanna get some Cherry Coke?" Marill asked.

"Yeah sure, I heard it tastes better from Voyager's replicators," Vulpix replied.

"Wait, shouldn't we tell the FBI about Osama Bin Laden in a spaceship?" Marill asked.

"Do you want to get thrown in the Nut House? Let's just get some Cherry Coke," Vulpix replied. Marill nodded and they both ran into the kitchen.

Anyway back to Voyager, Tom's Quarters 1000 hours:
Tom was sitting on the sofa with a small computer on his knee. Harry stood nearby looking nervous.

"I think I got it," Tom muttered. He finished working on the computer, an image of the Mess Hall came up on the screen. "We've got access to the Mess Hall camera, that's a start."

"Oh great," Harry said sarcastically. He sat down next to Tom.

The Mess Hall:
The room was generally quiet, only an odd few crewmembers were sitting around the tables. Neelix was serving some strange blue drinks to people. He bumped into James as he came into the room.

"Hello Ensign, do you want a drink?" Neelix asked cheerfully.

"Depends, what is it?" James asked.

"It's my own .. what did Tom call it, ah yes a cocktail. It's got a mixture of vodka, coke, rum... oh and most importantly.. Leola root," Neelix replied.

"Erm, no thanks," James muttered.

Some unknown crewmember came up to Neelix, he took a glass off the tray and drank it all down. He then started to choke... a few seconds later he collapsed.

"Ohno, I did it again," Neelix muttered.

"Is he dead?" James asked as he looked down at the unknown crewmember.

"Probably, he's not in the cast list," Neelix replied.

"Next question, have you seen Jessie?" James asked.

Neelix glanced around the room, he pointed towards the new sofa area. "She's been here for an hour or so."

"Thanks, get ready to call Sickbay," James said.

"For the dead crewmember?" Neelix asked nervously.

"No, for me, I'm gonna need to go soon," James said.

"Ah I got you," Neelix said. James walked away. Neelix glanced down at the crewmember, he looked around. He then started dragging the crewmember away. "I need to get rid of the body, I don't want to get fired," he muttered to himself.

Jessie was sitting on one of the small sofa's on her own, not looking very happy at all. She looked up as James came over. "You're late," she said.

"Sorry Tuvok wouldn't let me leave," James said.

"I called you an hour ago, you could of lied to him or something, this is important," Jessie said.

James sat down beside her. "Yeah well that doesn't work with him. So what's up?"

"Ok I was talking to Danny earlier today, she was getting ready for her date in our quarters.. again. I asked her who she was going out with, she said something like you don't tell me anything," Jessie replied.

"What's that suppose to mean?" James asked.

"I know, the main point here is, is that she knows about.. you know. The incident the other day," Jessie replied quietly.

"Oh... great," James muttered.

"Yeah she saw us. Janeway wasn't the only one who saw us," Jessie said.

"Did she see through the camera too, cos if she saw us in person how come we didn't hear her laughing or something," James said.

Tom's Quarters:
"Camera ey," Tom muttered.

"Oh please," Harry groaned.

"So Janeway caught them making out via the camera, perfect," Tom said.

"How do you know they did that?" Harry asked.

"Easy, Danny told me that she saw them," Tom replied.

"But I thought you liked Jessie," Harry said.

"I do, I just don't like him," Tom said.

"It's got nothing to do with the bookies, so leave it," Harry said.

"So why did Danny just decide to tell you now?" James asked.

"I just asked who her boyfriend was, that's it. She said I never told her who my boyfriend was. I pretended not to know what she was talking about. Then she just told me that she us both.. you know kissing," Jessie replied.

"Great, did you find out who her boyfriend is?" James asked.

"No, and that's not the point anymore. God knows who she'll tell about this," Jessie replied.

"It's ok, we'll just deny it. They can't prove it, I doubt anyone can get into the security system to see camera footage," James said.

"True.. you can but I doubt you'd want to," Jessie said.

"Well not to see our footage, maybe something else," James said.

Jessie rolled her eyes. "I  expected that. Anyway I better go, I want an early night."

"Yeah I think I will too, feels like I've wandered the ship for days," James said.


End of Part I

Part II


Tom's Quarters:
"Tom... how did you get into the security system?" Harry asked.

"Er.. it's quite hard to explain, Harry. Maybe later. Right now I just gotta present all this evidence to the people who betted on them two being a couple and they can get their rations," Tom replied.

"What? Some sad people have betted on them!" Harry exclaimed.

"Calm down Harry. I don't like it either, but what's a bookie to do?" Tom said.

"You're just going to show any old person some footage of two people's private conversation," Harry said in disbelief.

"Yes well two people betted that they were a couple, I got proof, I pay up," Tom said.

"It isn't proof, for all you know those two could of just kissed by accident. You know how it works," Harry said.

"By accident? When you say it like that it sounds stupid. I know what you mean though. We're just going to have to find the footage Janeway saw, then with that we'll be able to sort our little dilemma out," Tom said.

"You can't be serious," Harry muttered.

"Hey, if they didn't want to be found out then they  had their little kissing session in private. Why are you being so defensive?" Tom asked.

"I'm not, it just doesn't seem right. I thought that you still liked her, and everything," Harry replied.

"Harry, I'm so over Jessie. Do you see me jealous? No you don't, but me.. I see you're acting a bit overprotective," Tom said.

"Tom would you like it if someone showed footage of you and a girl kissing to some people who've made bets on you?" Harry asked.

"No, but if I didn't want that to happen I'd do it in private," Tom replied.

"That's not the point," Harry said.

"Harry, do you have a crush on her?" Tom asked.

"You what? No, I don't... where did you get that dumb idea from?" Harry replied.

"I don't know, it just seems that you're acting too overprotective. Besides you were trying to convince me that they weren't a couple," Tom said.

"Ok.. maybe she is a bit cute.. but that doesn't affect me," Harry said.

Tom tried not to laugh, "oh man, you poor boy. You'll get over her, don't worry."

"Tom I don't know her, I don't have a crush," Harry said angrily.

"Whatever, denial is always the first symptom," Tom said.

"Please Tom, just leave it for a couple of days. You may change your mind," Harry said.

"Ok, ok.. I will," Tom said.

"Good," Harry muttered, then he walked out of the room.

The next day, the far end of Sickbay:
Lisa, Claire, Craig and Lee were all sitting on some desks. The small area was set up like a small classroom.

"God I hate the holograms lessons, they're so boring," Claire moaned.

"Aren't all the lessons?" Craig asked.

"Yeah.. but this one's the most boring," Claire said.

"Well if you're bored, we could go and skive somewhere," Lisa said.

"No, I got caught last time. Seeing Janeway mad isn't a pretty sight," Craig said.

Lisa got off the table she was sitting on, and she went over to sit beside Craig. "Really? Do you think I'm a pretty sight?"

Claire and Lee glanced at each other, both looked rather disgusted. Craig looked rather terrified.

"Lis? Are you feeling ok?" Craig asked nervously.

"Never better. Now do you want to go to my quarters? We could make out," Lisa asked and she winked at Craig.

"Um no thanks," Craig literally squeaked. Claire went over to Lisa, she got a hold of her arm.

"Come on Lisa, you really need to get to Sickbay," Claire said.

Lisa rolled her eyes, she pushed Claire away from her. "You're just jealous, Claire. Leave me and Craig alone."

"Jealous? I don't think so somehow, Lee help me out here," Claire said as she got a hold of Lisa's arm again.

Lee went over and took a hold of Lisa's other arm. He and Claire dragged her out towards the main part of Sickbay, leaving Craig rather freaked out.

A few minutes later:
"Lee, can you go to class. Someone's got to keep an eye on Craig," the Doctor said.

"Um, ok Doc," Lee muttered, he headed back to the back part of Sickbay

"Please tell me there's something wrong with her," Claire said.

"I don't understand, why do you want her to be ill?" Kes asked.

"She was flirting with Craig Anderson, yuck. If she wasn't ill then I'd be rather worried about her eye sight," Claire replied.

"Craig is the cutest guy on the ship, you're just angry that he won't have you," Lisa said.

"Oh please," Claire groaned.

"Well Lisa has got a small virus. It is responsible for her flirty behaviour," the Doctor said.

"Does it do something to her eyes or something?" Claire asked.

"No, it seems to target several hormones, causing her to well flirt. Why she chose Mr Anderson is a mystery," the Doctor replied.

"You're telling me," Claire muttered.

"Luckily the virus isn't that strong. She won't flirt with just anyone, only with people she may have crushes on already.. and Craig," the Doctor said.

"Eeew, she doesn't have a crush on Craig does she?" Claire asked in disgust.

"Yeah.. what's it to you," Lisa said.

"I don't know, that's why I was careful and said she'd flirt with people she may have crushes on already and Craig," the Doctor said.

"Ah right," Claire said.

"Claire I suggest you get back to class too, I'll send a substitute to teach the class," the Doctor said.

"Right Doc," Claire said, she headed back to the back area of Sickbay.

"So is she ill?" Lee sniggered.

"Of course she is," Claire replied.

"I knew it, she's not usually that flirty with anyone," Craig said.

"And no girl's stupid enough to fall for you," Lee said. Craig glared at him.

"Er.. Lee?" Claire said quietly.

"What?" Lee said questioningly.

Claire walked over to stand beside Lee. "Has anyone ever told you how cute you are?"

"Oh god, no," Lee muttered.

"Who's laughing now," Craig said as he tried to keep a straight face.

"Doc!" Lee yelled.

The Doctor and Kes rushed into the room. "What's wrong?" Kes asked.

"Claire's ill," Lee replied.

"I'm not ill, silly. I know.. you're just playing hard to get, aren't ya?" Claire asked.

"Oh dear, Claire must of got infected when she forced Lisa into the main part of Sickbay," the Doctor said.

"Does that mean I'm.." Lee said nervously.

"No, the virus seems to only affect female hormones," Kes replied as she scanned Lee.

Claire smacked the tricorder out of Kes' hands. "Get away from my Lee, b**ch!"

"I was just seeing if he was ok," Kes said as she picked her tricorder back up.

"Yeah right, that's the oldest excuse in the book!" Claire yelled. The Doctor quickly sedated her.

"We'll have to keep them in Sickbay, this virus is contagious. Scan yourself, see if you're infected," the Doctor said. Kes nodded, she scanned herself with the tricorder.

"I'm not infected, Doctor," Kes said.

"Good... I'd better inform the Captain," the Doctor said.

Meanwhile, Jessie/James' Quarters:
James was sitting on the sofa, while Jessie was standing nearby the doorway where Danny had just come in.

"Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be mean yesterday.." Danny was saying. She spotted James, then she got nervous. "Oh hi, didn't expect you there."

"Well I do live here," James said.

"It's ok, Dan, I told him that you know," Jessie said.

"It's just I found out by accident, and you were trying to force out who my boyfriend is, it didn't seem fair to me," Danny said.

"Speaking of which, how is Tom?" James asked.

Danny stared at him, and she looked nervous. "Tom? What are you talking about... he's not my boyfriend. Yeah I'm just going out with him for.. you know a laugh. That's it."

"See you don't like it when it happens to you... wait a minute, Tom?" Jessie said in shock.

"You should have left the bragging to me," James muttered.

"Why Tom? You barely know him," Jessie asked.

"He's a funny guy, I just wanted some company. He isn't my boyfriend, so cut me some slack," Danny replied.

"James how did you know it was Tom?" Jessie asked.

"Lee told Ian, and Ian told me," James replied.

"Ohno, Ian knows. Great, Tom needs to be warned," Danny muttered.

"What for?" Jessie asked.

"Remember my first serious boyfriend at college, Ian getting too overprotective when he dumped me... remember?" Danny replied.

"Oh yeah, how can I forget," Jessie said.

"First Tom gets beat up by Jessie's jealous boyfriend, now.." Danny said.

"I wasn't jealous, and I wasn't her boyfriend," James grumbled.

"Whatever. Now if Tom dumps me he'll have to put up with Ian instead," Danny said.

"And when Ian fails to do the right kind of damage, like with your first serious boyfriend, James'll have to take over," Jessie said.

"Hey I like the sound of this," James said, and he grinned.

"James, what's it with you and Tom anyway?" Danny asked angrily.

James shrugged, "I dunno, I just don't like him."

"Can you at least try to like him while I'm sort of going out with him? I really don't want this to end in a fight," Danny said.

"Why don't you just ask me to stop breathing?" James asked as he stood up. Danny rolled her eyes. "I hate him, it's what I do.. I may as well go and hang myself now." He then went into his room.

"I'd better check on him, he probably will," Jessie said.

"He and Tom just got off on the wrong foot, maybe if they tried to like each other.. they will," Danny said.

"Don't hold your breath," Jessie muttered.

James walked back out of his room and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Jessie asked.

"I found a better way to kill myself, I'm going to duty. See ya," James replied and he walked out.

"That's one charming boyfriend you have there," Danny said.

Jessie groaned, she went over to sit on the sofa. "He isn't my proper boyfriend, Dan."

"No, no.. you can't be going out with him for the same reasons as me and Tom," Danny said.

"We're just going out to gain experience, it was my idea. I figured it would be more comfortable if we both gained experience from each other, we trust each other so.." Jessie said.

"Ohno, don't do that," Danny muttered. She sat down beside Jessie. "My first serious boyfriend started like that. You saw how that one ended. He dumped me the day after we.. you know."

"Dan, that's not going to happen to us. For one thing we're not going to jump into bed with each other," Jessie said.

"Hey, that's what I thought. Believe me, it'll happen," Danny said.

"No it won't," Jessie said.

"Yes it will. You're having this relationship to gain experience, it'll get to the point where you'll trust each other enough to do what me and my boyfriend did. But lucky you, James won't dump you the day after, no offense to him but he's like your loyal puppy dog. He'll stick with you for a while," Danny said.

"Fine.. maybe there is a chance that'll it end up that way," Jessie said.

"But?" Danny said questioningly.

"James is not like a loyal puppy dog," Jessie said.

"Yes he is, loyal dogs always cry when they've lost their masters. They act moody too, well most do," Danny said.

"Oh shut up," Jessie muttered.

"Oh and did I mention that male dogs grab a hold of your arm and try to.." Danny said.

Jessie glared at Danny, she hit her across the head. "Danny! Do you mind, this is a PG!"

Danny burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from."

"Unfortunately it came from your mouth," Jessie said.

"I know.. sorry. I just couldn't resist that. Erm.. do you want some advice?" Danny asked.

"After that comment? Hell no," Jessie muttered in response.

"Tough, I'm going to give you some advice. If you want to gain experience, you're going to have to do some practising with this practise relationship. Get my point," Danny said.

"Why are you telling me this, building up for another dirty joke?" Jessie asked.

"No, of course not. I'm telling you this because my first serious relationship was a practise one, we barely gained any experience in those years, you saw how it ended," Danny replied.

Meanwhile, Marill's house:
Vulpix and Marill were standing in front of the Internet computer. For once it wasn't showing the blue screen of death.

"Is it safe to sit down?" Vulpix asked nervously. Marill just shrugged. "Let's risk it, are you ready?"

Marill groaned. "Yes."

"On the count of three, one... two.." Vulpix said.

Marill sat down, she quickly started Freeserve Anytime. Vulpix sighed and she sat down next to her.

"Remind me again why are we going on the net? We were in the middle of an episode," Vulpix asked.

"I know.. but there's something important I need to do," Marill replied.

"Ooh.. sounds, er important," Vulpix said.

"It is," Marill said. The Internet Explorer window opened up a site called.... The Revenge Website. Vulpix fell off her chair.

"This is the important thing you need to do?" Vulpix asked as she climbed back onto her chair.

"I have a username, it has a list of all the things I want to get revenge on. It gives you ideas and stuff," Marill replied.

"Must be the longest list of the lot," Vulpix muttered.

Marill scrolled down the long list on the screen. Vulpix looked peeved. "Hey, why am I on that list?"

"Several reasons," Marill replied.

"That's it, I want a list now," Vulpix moaned.

Marill rolled her eyes. "I only put you on the list when you stole that Cherry Coke bottle from my room."

"That wasn't me though, that was the cat," Vulpix protested.

"The cat was in my room? I thought I kept that door shut.. ok the cat's on my list now," Marill said. She typed in Sooty on the keyboard.

"Er.. you're going to put your cat on the revenge list?" Vulpix said in disbelief.

"Oh fine, I won't bother. Right.. I'll do my thing and then we can get back to writing," Marill said. She typed in Sunderland Hospital.

"Why am I not surprised," Vulpix muttered.

Marill ignored her, she clicked Submit. "It says I can get revenge by either blowing the place up, or paint the walls black and white."

"Painting the walls black and white seems less drastic," Vulpix muttered.

"Yeah, but blowing the place up seems less of an effort. Too bad, if they hadn't of made me this ill and weak, I would of actually done the painting one," Marill said.

Vulpix laughed nervously. "If you're this weak and ill, why are you even bothering to do anything?"

"You've got to be kidding me. If I didn't do anything for a week or so, you might take over the sites again," Marill said.

"I take offense at that," Vulpix muttered.

"I'm sorry, you know I don't mean it. Just the pain is making me a bit more edgy and a little nasty, ooh hey look links to several revenge sites! Finally I get to see other people suffering," Marill said.

Vulpix looked nervous as Marill clicked on one of the links. "Hey what's this?"

The screen changed to show a dark website, showing a screenshot of the Fifth Voyager site. The picture turned into a fire picture. Some writing appeared at the top. The writing said "T.F.V.D.A, The Fifth Voyager Destruction Association. trying to bring down Fifth Voyager for the good of human sanity since February 2002."

"Right, the T.F.V.D.A is going on the list too," Marill muttered, she clicked the back button.

"Since February 2002? Don't you get it Marill, wasn't that when Cherry Coke started to disappear?" Vulpix asked.

"Hey you're right. What should we do?" Marill asked.

"Erm.. I dunno," Vulpix replied.

"This is going to be a long day," Marill muttered.

Voyager, Deck 6:
Ian turned the corner and he bumped straight into Danny.

"Danny.. off to see Tommy?" Ian asked.

"Give it up, Ian," Danny muttered. She continued walking, but Ian stopped her by grabbing her arm.

"I don't give a toss who you date, but Tom is someone you really shouldn't," Ian said.

To Ian's surprise Danny smiled. "Hmm.. you jealous?"

"Don't be stupid, you're a bossy disgusting little witch," Ian replied.

"You're jealous. Good thing I was just using Tom to get your attention. I guess it worked," Danny said in a flirty voice.

Ian's eyes widened. "Oh my god, you've got that virus." He ran down the corridor, with Danny in hot pursuit.

Ian stopped outside somebody's quarters, he pressed a few buttons, the doors opened and he rushed inside. Danny continued down the corridor. "Oh damn, where did he go. Ian!"

Ian sighed in relief. He was about to tap his commbadge when someone came into the main part of the room.

"Ian, what the hell are you doing here?" Jessie asked.

"You know about the virus?" Ian asked.

"Virus?" Jessie said questioningly.

"Yeah, there's a virus on the ship that makes all infected girls go all flirty. I'm hiding from a girl," Ian said.

"Erm, ok. Which girl?" Jessie asked.

Danny ran into the room. "There you are my sweety pie. Come here and give me some loving."

"This is so not a PG," Jessie muttered, she tried to keep a straight face.

"Jessie hide me!" Ian yelled. He ran behind Jessie.

"Hey.. you can't still like her! I thought you liked me!" Danny exclaimed with tears in her eyes.

"This is getting ridiculous," Jessie muttered. She tapped her commbadge. "Rex to Transporter Room, beam Danny to Sickbay."

Danny dematerialised, as soon as she did Ian calmed down. "Thanks Jess, I owe you one."

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Jessie muttered, she pushed Ian towards the door. Ian made the rest of the way to the door. He slowly looked out. Jessie pushed him through it.

The Conference Room:
Some of the main cast were sitting around the table. The Doctor was on the wall monitor.

"As far as I can tell someone was infected by some sort of food that gave them this contagious virus. But I've asked all the girls in this room, they all had replicated food," the Doctor said.

"There's nothing wrong with the replicators," B'Elanna said, she glanced at Chakotay and she winked at him. Chakotay looked rather uneasy.

Lee came on the monitor screen, while Kes tried to sedate Claire again. "Erm.. I ate some of Neelix's chocolate. I was kinda hungry."

Everyone glanced towards Neelix. He looked rather nervous. "Those were my experimental chocolate bars, no one was suppose to eat them."

"What was in it?" Kathryn asked.

"Cocoa, milk, sugar, Leola root.." Neelix replied.

Lee looked rather pale, he disappeared from monitor view. Everyone heard him throwing up.

"And several Talaxian herbs," Neelix said.

"Herbs and Leola root in chocolate?" the Doctor said. He scanned Lee who still looked rather pale. "He does have the virus, he's just started to have some symptoms. He must of passed it to one of the girls by touch, thus starting the epidemic."

"Erm.. oops," Lee muttered.

"I'll need a sample of the chocolate if I'm going to device a cure," the Doctor said.

"Mr Neelix," Kathryn said as she turned to Neelix. He nodded. The monitor screen was turned off.

B'Elanna got off her chair, she made her way over to Chakotay. Nobody noticed.

"Let's just hope that no one else is infected, if so we'll have to put the cure into the air," Kathryn said.

"I think that B'Elanna is already infected," Chakotay said nervously.

"Er.. why?" Kathryn asked.

B'Elanna suddenly climbed onto Chakotay's knee, she started stroking his arm. "Hi big guy, what are you doing after the meeting?"

"If that is all, dismissed," Kathryn said quickly. Everyone else rushed out of the room. She tapped her commbadge. "Janeway to Sickbay, B'Elanna's infected."

In: "Acknowledged."

B'Elanna growled at Kathryn, she hit her hard in the arm. "He's mine, keep your hands off..." She dematerialised.

Chakotay sighed in relief. Then he seemed rather nervous. "Ohno, B'Elanna hit the Captain." He slowly turned his head towards Kathryn. She was giving him flirty looks. She suddenly jumped onto his knee too. She put her arms around his neck.

"Oh crap," Chakotay muttered.

Tom came into the room. "Hi Doc, I thought I should come and help you."

"Thank you Mr Paris. I trust you're not really here just in case any of the infected girls like you," the Doctor said.

"Of course not, they're ill after all," Tom said.

Kes noticed Tom had come into the room, she rushed over to Tom. "Hi cutey," she said.

"Damn.." Tom muttered.

Deck 2:
James walked out of the turbolift, he bumped straight into Danny.

"Hi Jamesy, I was just on my way to dump Tommy... do you want to be my rebound boyfriend?" Danny asked in a flirty voice.

James' eyes widened and he continued towards the Mess Hall. Danny followed him.

As soon as James stepped inside the Mess Hall, someone pushed him into the wall. Whoever it was kissed him briefly, she started stroking his arm. That girl was in fact Jessie. "Hi lover," she whispered.

"Ohno," James muttered. He pushed Jessie lightly away from him. Danny stormed over.

"How dare you touch him, you hussy! I thought you were my friend!" Danny yelled.

"He's my boyfriend, so go elsewhere," Jessie said angrily.

"No.. he's mine!" Danny yelled.

"No! He's always been mine, and always will be!" Jessie yelled.

James tapped his commbadge. "Er Sickbay, I thought you had Danny."

In: "We do.... uhoh, where did she go. Kes, I thought you were keeping an eye on her."

"Doesn't matter, I think you should beam Danny and Jessie to Sickbay before they come to blows over nothing," James said.

"Nothing! You're my honey bunny," Danny said.

"Your honey bunny? How dare you, you keep the hell away from him!" Jessie yelled. She and Danny both dematerialised.

Neelix came over to James holding a bar of his homemade chocolate. "Can you take this to the Doctor?"

"What for, can't you take it?" James asked.

"Um no, I'm cooking lunch. Besides, I don't think staying here's a good idea," Neelix replied. He and James looked around the room, everyone there was looking James' way most of them were laughing.

"Ok fine," James said as he took the so called chocolate off Neelix. "You do realise that I'm going to my death now."

"I know, good luck," Neelix said. James headed out the door muttering something under his breath.

"I never thought I'd see it, Jessie and Danny fighting over James," Tom said.

"You've already got a boyfriend, so keep your hands off mine!" Jessie screamed.

"You don't deserve him, he's mine!" Danny yelled.

The Doctor rolled his eyes before sedating Danny. As he did James came in. Tom tried to hold himself back but he couldn't. "So do you like this.. two girls fighting over you. Better get a camera, this ain't going to happen again."

"Shut up Tom before I stick my fist down your throat," James muttered as he handed the chocolate to the Doctor.

Kes came over to Tom, "you leave my Tommy-wommy alone."

"Not now, Kes," Tom moaned.

"Tommy-wommy?" James said questioningly.

"Shut up!" Tom exclaimed.

The Doctor tried to sedate Jessie, but she got away from him. She ran over to James.

"Hi sweety," Jessie said sweetly. James tried desperately to keep her hands away from him, while Tom just watched with a smirk on his face.

"Enjoying yourself," Tom sniggered.

"Shut up," James muttered.

The Doctor dumped the hypospray on the tray, he started working instead. "Make sure none of the patients leave."

Jessie turned around. "Aaaw, can't we go to our quarters?"

"No way," James said quickly.

Jessie turned back to him. She started stroking both of his arms. "Loosen up, I know you've wanted me for years."

"That's not true.. Doc hurry up!" James yelled.

"I'm working as fast as I can," the Doctor muttered.

"Do you want any help? Seriously," Tom asked.

"Please," James replied.

Tom shrugged. He picked up a hypospray, he quickly went over to Jessie and sedated her.

"That's all I can do, I recommend that you take a cold shower," Tom said.

"Don't you ever shut up?" James asked.

"Not really no," Tom replied.

"I've got it, all we need to do is fill the air with this," the Doctor said as he held up a hypospray.

"That was quick," Tom said.

"Yes well this episode is getting rather long," the Doctor said.

Captains Log Supplemental: The Doctor has cured all the crewmembers who were infected with the virus. Most of the crew that were infected have been hiding in their quarters, but I understand that they'll need time to recover from what the illness made them do. But coffee's the only cure I need... mmm coffee ice cream...

Outside Danny's Quarters:
Danny opened the door to Tom, he stepped into the room.

"I thought I cancelled," Danny said.

"Yeah you did. I'm not here to pick you up, we need to talk," Tom said.

"Talk? We do nothing but," Danny said.

"No but seriously this time," Tom said.

"Ok.. go on," Danny said.

"Do you remember what you did during the illness?" Tom asked.

"I'm trying to forget, I made a complete a** of myself," Danny replied.

"You went after Ian and James for god's sake. You said you hated Ian," Tom said.

"I do, it was an illness that made me go after him," Danny said.

"The virus made you go after your college buddies, I can understand that," Tom said.

"What are you on about?" Danny asked.

"Danny, I can't continue going out with you if it's not going anywhere, or if you have a thing for two of your college buddies," Tom replied.

"So.. you're dumping me? That's fine," Danny said.

"I'd better go," Tom said.

"Yeah you'd better, I don't care .. you were just some company I had that's all," Danny said.

Tom left the room. Danny just stood watching the door, she broke down in tears as she sat down on her sofa.

James/Jessie's Quarters:
Jessie was sitting on the sofa, James came over holding two glasses. He handed one to her before he sat down beside her.

"I don't get it, I acted like a complete whore.. yet you're not avoiding me like I expected," Jessie said.

"You were ill, it wasn't really you was it," James said.

"Yeah I guess. I'm sorry, I bet everyone knows that we're going out now. I did let it slip," Jessie said.

"It's ok, everyone will think it was just the illness that made you say that," James said as he put his glass on the table.

Jessie placed her glass on the table too. She placed her hand on his. "Thanks for keeping me under control, and for standing by me even when I was acting like a slut."

James put his arm around her. "I'll always stand by you, you know that." They both kissed briefly, then they started kissing again, this time for a longer time.

What more bizarre things will Neelix make? How many more crewmembers will die because of it? Will Tom still use the camera footage to prove a bet, or will he reconsider? Why do Danny and Ian hate each other so much? Is this episode a PG or not now? Why did Marill want revenge on Sunderland Hospital? And who are in this T.F.V.D.A?
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of B4 Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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