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Part Four - Is There Something

Episode Synopsis
Voyager teams up with the FVDA to fight their new enemy. Meanwhile Tom and Neelix get into another fight when a rumour about Tom & Kes gets around.

Originally Written
20th, 23rd & 24th September 2003

Edited/Re-written for Reboot
24th & 31st July 2013

Episode Based In
March 2372 (mid season 2)


Day 44, Voyager:
The corridor was peacefully quiet as Kes strolled down it. Tom appeared around another corridor, he stopped to block Kes' way. She groaned, "oh no."

"God you can easily get lost in this maze. I mean what's the point of a maze, when we have one already in your hair," Tom laughed, pointing at Kes.

Kes rolled her eyes, "Tom you've got to stop throwing insults at the wrong people."

"What does that mean?" Tom asked.

"It means you're just going to have to control yourself, Janeway and the others aren't around anymore," Kes replied.

"Great control advice for the girl with out of control hair," Tom said.

Kes shook her head, she passed him and headed for the turbolift. Tom followed her. They both reached the turbolift.

"Just keep it together for a few more weeks, we should have them back then," Kes said.

The turbolift doors opened to reveal Thompson and O'Hara doing their usual thing, they quickly separated. Thompson smiled nervously while reaching for the button, "going down." The turbolift doors closed again.

Kes shrugged, "well I kinda liked this deck anyway."

Tom pointed at the turbolift, "oh my god, was that James and Jessie making out!"

Kes lost her temper, "ugh!" She stormed off in the opposite direction.

"I take it, it was Chakotay and a mystery girl then cos you seemed to take it personally," Tom muttered, he followed Kes.

A little while later, the Conference Room:
The remaining main cast, excluding Tom and the Doctor obviously, were at the table. The Doctor was on the mini screen on the side panel.

Tuvok looked around the room, "where is Lieutenant Paris?"

"Last time I saw him he was hitting on Faye," B'Elanna muttered in response.

Faye shuddered, "I'm trying to repress that memory thank you very much."

"Well I saw him earlier, he still thinks I'm Janeway," Kes said.

The Doctor nodded, "my guess is he is the one most affected by this. Insulting a few people instead of the ones he misses is not surprising, but the fact that he uses the wrong insults on them is confusing."

"Yeah he called me gay too. Does he think I'm James and Jessie mixed in?" Faye questioned.

Danny burst out out laughing before falling off her chair. "Let's just hope she'll laugh until she forgets what she's laughing at, then she won't tell us," Harry commented.

"Well he first called me gay, he always called James gay. Then he hit on me, he used to hit on Jessie," Faye said.

"I don't think there's a pattern here. He only says the first insult or chat up line that comes into his head, despite who it is. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to hit on a guy yet," Craig said.

"His problem will be cured conveniently when those six get back. He'll go back to skitting James and Janeway, possibly Chakotay, and hitting on Jessie when they do," the Doctor said.

"That's good, but not for them," Kes said.

"Bridge to Tuvok, we are about to rendezvous with the Vidiians."

"On my way," Tuvok said, standing up.

Everyone else stood up, they all went out of the room via different doors. Tuvok, Harry and Danny headed for their usual spots, Faye headed to the science station, Claire went to engineering station, and Craig went to Tactical.

"Hail them," Tuvok commanded.

"No response, trying again on alternating frequencies," Harry replied.

"There's a second ship coming at us," Danny said.

"I got it, now a third," Harry said.

"They're surrounding us," Danny said.

"None of them are answering our hails, and their weapons are powered," Harry said.

"Red Alert," Tuvok commanded.

The FVDA ship:
Damien, Justin, Johnny, Myleene and all the rest were sitting around the conference table.

"Now then slaves, how long until we get to Voyager?" Damien questioned.

Johnny glanced at his watch, "my bet's on ten minutes."

"Really? I'd say twenty," Johnny Junior replied.

Damien groaned, "I didn't ask you to make bets on how long it would take, I want to know exactly how long."

The others glanced at each other. "Um, we have no idea. Everyone had a look at that new console thingy, and well we didn't understand it," Myleene said.

"Yeah there was two blobs on it, and then there was five. What does that all mean, does the machine think we're geniuses or something?" Johnny rambled.

Damien got up out of his chair, he placed his finger nearby a button on the desk, everyone looked scared to death. "Don't make me do it," Damien growled.

"But sir, that machine doesn't make any sense," Myleene cried.

Damien pulled a PADD out of nowhere, he placed it in the middle of the desk. "Look you numbskulls, the red blob is us. The other blobs are alien ships and obviously Voyager."

Everyone stared blankly at him. "I don't get it," Gareth stuttered.

Damien threw the PADD at Gareth, it hit off his forehead, bounced off it, and hit Justin in the head. "You're all a bunch of idiots, why did I hire you people?"

"Because we're so smart," Myleene replied.

Damien stared blankly, "what? Oh for god's sake, it's time I recruited some new people."

"Why say that like you haven't done it in a long time, you recruited somebody new last Tuesday," Johnny Junior commented.

"What, I did? Where is he or she, or maybe it?" Damien questioned.

Justin grinned, "my boyfriend of course."

Damien burst out laughing, "oh please, like you could get a boyfriend."

Right on cue Pharrell Williams strolled into the room, "hey guys."

"I didn't recruit him, I don't even know who he is," Damien grumbled.

"I'm Pharrell, sir," Pharrell said with a cheesy grin on his face.

"That's a stupid name," Myleene giggled. Almost the entire room stared at her.

"Like Myleene's a good run of the mill name," Johnny Junior muttered.

"It means princess," Myleene said.

Damien somehow got a copy of a weird book, "no it means unspeakable ugliness on the planet Emran, oh and it also means..."

"Shut up," Myleene grumbled.

Damien glared at her, he pressed the button on the desk. Two thin metal bars went around Myleene's arms, after a few seconds like that her hair went big, and look pretty frazzled. "No one tells me to shut up."

"But we do that all the time sir," Gareth said. Everyone but Damien and Pharrell glared at him.

"Good point," Damien said cheerfully, he pressed the button again. The same thing happened to everyone sitting in the chairs.

"Woah that looks fun," Pharrell laughed, he sat down in the chair.

Damien shrugged, he pressed the button again but nothing happened to Pharrell. "That's odd, why didn't it work?" Damien muttered. Justin fell off his chair looking pretty much dead. "Oh well."

"Sir, the blobby thing on the PADD is getting closer to the other blobby things," Johnny said.

"Excellent, let's just hope that the other ships aren't Borg... I really can't stand that Borg Queen," Damien said.

One of the consoles at the back of the bridge exploded, sending another innocent crewmember to their death. "Shields down to fifty eight percent!" Craig yelled.

"Re-arm the forward phaser array, and fire at will," Tuvok commanded.

"Um he's dead sir," Faye commented, pointing at the newly dead crewmember.

Harry shook his head, "that's not what he meant Faye, and you know it."

"Now they're at forty percent!" Craig yelled again.

"Stop yelling damn it!" Claire screamed. Craig cowered.

"Arm apt torpedo bays," Tuvok ordered.

"They're armed sir," Craig said more quiet than usual.

"Fire number one," Tuvok commanded.

An unknown crewmember ran towards the turbolift, "damn it."

Faye glanced at him looking worried, "ookay."

"Report," Tuvok commanded.

"They're still coming, duh," Danny replied.

"Fire number two," Tuvok ordered.

The unknown crewmember came back in, "no, stupid grapes." He ran back out.

The bridge shook again, "Tuvok to Engineering."

"Torres here sir."

"Listen carefully," Tuvok said.

"Ok, hang on a sec... O'Hara turn that crap down! Ok now I'm listening."

"Tuvok, there's another ship coming at us," Craig said.

"Oh great, re-enforcements," Danny grumbled.

"No it's worse, it's our FVDA friends," Craig said.

"God, they pick their moments don't they?" Claire muttered.

Harry shrugged, "they're hailing, this outta be good."

"On screen," Tuvok ordered.

Damien and several of the FVDA members appeared on the viewscreen. Damien glared at Johnny, "ahem."

"Oops," Johnny stuttered. He keyed in some commands, the Team Rocket motto music came on. Everyone on the Voyager bridge groaned.

"To protect Fifth Voyager from deserved banning," Johnny Junior said.

"Um to er um, I really need a good tanning," Myleene stuttered. Damien shook his head.

"To announce the evils of Apple," Johnny said.

Myleene looked like she was going to cry, "um I really would like a sample."

"The almighty Damien, and all these annoying people," Damien quickly butted in.

"FDA destroys sheep at the speed of light," Johnny said.

The unknown crewmember walked back in, "damn that can of Sprite."

"Hey, wait that's good," Myleene giggled.

Damien rolled his eyes, "that's not right."

"Ok that was just a waste of time," Harry commented.

"You're telling me, I'm sure Marill spent more time writing that motto than the rest of the episode," Damien said.

Myleene pouted, "not true, I did all the rhyming."

"Yeah yeah," Johnny Junior muttered.

"I don't think you want to take credit for that motto pet," Damien said.

"Ok someone has to say it, why are you here?" Harry asked.

"Didn't the motto clear anything up?" Damien groaned.

"Not really," Craig replied.

"Well we were going to defend you, but those ships only belong to those really ugly aliens. You know the ones where I got my crew from," Damien said.

"There's something wrong with that first sentence, but I'm not sure what it is," Harry muttered.

"Look Japanese guy, do you want our help or not?" Damien grumbled.

"I'm not Japanese, I'm Chinese," Harry muttered.

"Same difference," Damien said.

"Actually sir that's not right, you see..." Gareth said, Damien interrupted him by smacking him across the head.

Tuvok climbed out of the Captain's chair, "what do you want in return?"

"Why do you always assume that we only do good for selfish reasons?" Damien snapped.

"Well you're bad guys," Claire replied.

Damien glanced briefly at his crew, "right right. In that case, do you have any of that Muller Rhubarb Crumble yogurt. I had one once, and well I couldn't find it again."

"Um that's not a problem," Harry stuttered.

"Ok, let's kick some ugly ass then," Damien said. The viewscreen changed back to the battle.

"Sickbay to Bridge."

Tuvok tapped his commbadge, "this is Tuvok, this better be important Doctor."

"Denara Pell is on one of the Vidiian ships, she can send us the cure."

"Who?" everyone asked.

"Maybe we can still do your plan Tuvok, we could detonate that torpedo or something and..." Harry said.

Craig's console beeped loudly, "sir the FVDA ship has cloaked."

"Wait, I have an idea," Faye said suddenly. Everyone glanced at her looking surprised. "Don't look at me like that," she said quietly.

"What is it?" Tuvok asked.

"Well if I remember right, the FVDA have transported aboard Voyager before while shields were up," Faye replied.

Danny glanced behind her, "hey she's right."

"Hail them, audio only," Tuvok ordered.

Harry nodded, "opening a channel."

"Yeah what do you want?"

"We need to transport aboard some medicine from the Vidiian ship. Can you beam them off the ship if we give you the co-ordinates?" Tuvok replied.

"Of course! Why didn't you say so, yeesh."

Tuvok ignored them, he tapped his commbadge. "Bridge to Sickbay, relay the co-ordinates of the cure to the FVDA ship."


"Hey big ears, it's FDA now. You know Fantastic Damien Admiration."

"I didn't sign up for that!"

"Shut up Justin, don't make me shoot you again."

"We've got it, transporting now."

Tuvok nodded at Danny, she turned back to the helm, "heading back to that planet."

Voyager jumped into warp, the FDA ship uncloaked and followed them.

Day 45:
Acting Captains Log Supplemental: We are now on our way back to the planet where we left Captain Janeway and five other crewmembers, now that we have the cure for their illness. However we have some travelling companions for the three week journey, our old nemesiss' the FVDA, now named the FDA. They have promised to protect us from a new threat named Apple, in return we have given their Captain and his crew some of our food database to update their replicators.

The Mess Hall:
The entire room was packed, most tables were full to their brims with crewmembers eating lunch. The FDA crew were hanging around the galley nearby Neelix, Tom, Thompson and Faye. Damien was feasting on a Rhubarb Crumble yogurt.

Johnny Junior jumped onto the bench, shoving a full bowl nearby Neelix. "You call this food? I've cleaned up more appetising things in the toilets."

Johnny picked up the bowl, he shoved it into Gareth's hands. "I'd better take that to Osama and Saddam, they've been pretty cranky about the food lately."

Gareth pulled a face, "yes sir."

"That's a thought, where did you put the very much hated by most humans things?" Damien questioned.

Thompson shrugged, "we had to put them in secret quarters. Only aliens are allowed to guard them. Isn't that right Tom?"

"Yeah, you never know what kind of Indian tribe he's part of. His tribe could be Barbarians," Tom replied.

Neelix laughed, "oh he's just a bit crazy, he tells insults to or about the wrong people."

Damien sniggered, "I bet it was that brainwashing video we made him help us with."

Faye shook her head, "nope he's just missing insulting the ones on that planet."

Justin glanced at Faye, "hey you're hot." Faye's eyes widened in panic, she quickly got away from him.

Pharrell glared at the two, "Justin, you're going out with me. You can't like girls."

Justin cowered, "why not, I'm only partly gay."

"Lesbian more like," Pharrell grumbled.

"Isn't that the word for gay girls?" Myleene questioned.

"Yeah and?" Pharrell said.

Myleene giggled, "Justin's a guy, I guess."

Justin smiled at Pharrell, he just stared blankly at him. "You mean... oh my god," Pharrell stuttered. He ran out of the room looking rather pale.

Damien tried to keep a straight face, "when this is over I'm hiring new slaves, these guys will just be my entertainers."

"Crew don't you mean, they're not your slaves," Neelix said.

"Um yes they are, big rat. They don't get paid, they do as I say, they're slaves," Damien said.

Neelix glanced around nervously, "oh."

Justin started laughing like he was on helium, oh wait he always sounds like that, "I just got Johnny Junior's joke. The crap in the toilets is more edible than your food."

One of the large pots fell away from the thing it was hanging on, it landed on Justin's head making him fall to the ground, unconscious. Neelix gasped, "ohno."

Damien shrugged, not taking his eyes off his yogurt, "don't worry about it. Bad things always happen to him, not that it's necessarily a bad thing really."

Neelix ran over to Justin and the pan, "no my favourite pan, it's ruined." He started crying into his hands.

"That's better," Damien commented.

Thompson knelt down next to Neelix, "there there Neelix. Do you want me to cheer you up?"

"Ok," Neelix sniffed.

"Well guess who I found in the turbolift making out," Thompson said.

Neelix glanced at him, "who, not that I care really."

Thompson whispered into his ear, "Tom and Kes."

Neelix jumped onto his feet, "what!!" He stormed his way over to Tom, "is this true?"

"No, but I saw James and Jessie doing that, or was it Lisa and Ian? I'm not quite sure," Tom replied.

Faye shook her head, "none of them are on the ship."

"It could have been Janeway and Chakotay," Tom muttered.

Neelix growled, "stop trying to cover it up, I'll kill you!" He jumped onto Tom, they both fell on the floor and started fighting. I use that word loosely.

Damien stopped eating and turned to watch the fight, "hey get a room, I'm trying to eat." He went back to his yogurt.

Justin regained consciousness, "hey cool, a gay wrestling match."

"I'm outta here," Faye muttered under her breath, she left the room.

Damien stood up and headed out, still eating his yogurt, "ah Damien you're a genius."

Kes came into the room, she groaned at the sight that greeted her. "Oh for crying out loud, why are you fighting again?"

Justin spotted her, he went over to her and started flirting, "hey cutie." Kes turned slightly pale, backing away slowly.

Neelix jumped to his feet again, "you squeaky brat, I'll kill you!" He jumped onto Justin, he started to beat him up instead.

Johnny Junior jumped down from the bench, he handed Neelix a knife, "here use this."

The entire room shook violently, sending everyone and everything to the ground, Neelix rolled a few metres away from Justin. Johnny groaned as he stood back up, "Justin didn't die? I demand my money back, Myleene!"

Myleene moaned, "damn it, so close." She handed Johnny some money.

The Bridge:
Tuvok entered through the Ready Room doors, "report."

"Those aliens are back, with a new weapon too. Shields are down to nineteen percent," Harry responded.

"Return fire," Tuvok commanded.

Craig keyed in some commands, "they don't have any shields, but we're barely making a dent in their hull."

Harry frowned as his console screeched at him. "Uh Commander!" Tuvok glanced over. "They're not just firing regular energy shots at us."

"Explain," Tuvok ordered as the bridge shook.

"Shields are gone," Craig reported nervously.

"I... I have no idea what it is. It's like a transmission of data," Harry stuttered.

The odd sound of loud talking got Kes' attention enough to make her pop her head out of Sickbay. The Doctor tried to resist the same temptation, settling for peeping from behind her. A large group of about twenty crewmembers were standing in an orderly line going around the nearby corner, each one of them staring like zombies directly ahead.

Both of them had many questions, Kes decided to pick the simplest one to start with. "What... what's this line for?"

"Well they're not leading here, and they're not injured so..." the Doctor responded. Many frown lines scattered over his forehead, "perhaps they're all victims to Neelix's lunch, is there a bathroom around the corner?"

Kes seriously considered it, "they do look a little ill."

The queue shuffled down by one person. Just then a very excited crewmember ran around the corner in the opposite direction, he was waving a larger PADD in the air. "Look guys, I got it! Suck on that, peasants. I have an I-Fad!" Everyone in the queue glowered in jealousy as he disappeared out of their sights.

Kes and the Doctor looked at each other. "Oh we're not going there are we?" Kes groaned. The Doctor nodded. "Subtlety has never been this series' strong suit, but we could have at least tried it."

The Bridge:
Tuvok joined Harry at opps to see what he was seeing, completely unaware that everyone else on the bridge were hypnotised by the viewscreen.

"It's not even big information. All it did was send a little message and put something in one of the replicators," Harry said.

Tuvok nodded, "indeed. We must isolate and delete whatever it is, it must be some kind of weapon."

"Yeah but who'd be dumb enough to rep..." Harry's eyes inched up a little as he realised something else was off, Tuvok did as well. Both of them looked up fully to find the entire bridge crew surrounding them, looking angry. "Replicate it."

"Perhaps crew who have been manipulated by a particular message we received," Tuvok plainly said.

At the corner of their eyes they noticed something strange playing on the viewscreen. Most of their view was thankfully obscured by their angry crew.

"Delete it? We need it," everyone said in unison.

"Eeery," Harry shuddered.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "Need what?"

The entire group lightened up, each of them started babbling on all at once excitedly, but saying different things so the pair couldn't hear what they were saying.

"Good idea," Harry whispered.

Tuvok nodded, "work on it, I'll deal with this." He ventured out from behind the console. "I need it too. Shall we go?" Even he was disturbed by the almost eye popping expressions on each of their faces. As they all scattered into the turbolifts, he nodded in Harry's direction before leaving.

The Mess Hall:
With the enemy ship in plain sight from the window, almost everyone were on their knees, constantly bowing in its direction. Justin seemed to be busy working on the replicator.

Damien entered with his empty yoghurt pot, without looking he roughly shoved the annoying bald man out of his way. As he tumbled onto the floor so did many PADDs. Everyone's ears pricked up at the sound of that. Within seconds they lunged for them all, each grabbing at least one. Damien started munching on a new yoghurt as Myleene and Johnny began tugging at the same PADD viciously.

Neelix managed to nab two of them and headed for the kitchen. "These would make great coasters."

Damien finally looked up, scowling at the strange alien as he passed by him. "What's this about, they're just those note pad things." He then spotted the familiar ship through the window. "Oh..." With that, he brought out a remote and pressed a button. Seconds later he beamed away.

Deck Five:
Nobody seemed to protest as Kes followed the queue, facing the opposite direction to them, scanning each one of them. The Doctor waited by the door as close as he could.

"Kes, watch..." he tried to warn, but it wasn't soon enough. Another crewmember ran in the opposite direction screaming hysterically, almost knocking Kes clean off her feet as he passed. "Out."

She shook her head, determined to continue. "It's like they're hypnotised, Doctor. I don't understand why though, all they're doing is using the replicator in one of the rooms."

"Let me have the data you collected, you should check to see if anymore of the crew are infected," the Doctor suggested. Kes nodded before returning to him. "I imagine they all are as the queue seems to never end."

Kes peeped her head around the other corner, she just managed to catch the end of the queue right in front of the turbolift doors. They opened for the bridge crew, they all squished in behind them. "The bridge personnel, even Tuvok? Ohno."

"That must mean no one is in charge of the ship, that has be their agenda," the Doctor thought out loud. "We're in trouble."

"Actually, I think Harry isn't with them," Kes said.

"Like I said, trouble," the Doctor sighed.

The Bridge:
Harry breathed a huge sigh of relief as he managed to get the viewscreen back to normal. He nearly wet his pants when Damien suddenly beamed in, in front of him.

"What the... what are you doing here? You're not allowed here," he stuttered.

"It looks like Crapple's advertising campaign is working, so maybe you should be a lot more grateful," Damien scoffed.

"Uh huh, do you have a plan?" Harry dared to ask.

Damien shrugged as he returned to eating his yoghurt. "Not really," he said with his mouth full.

"Of course not," Harry sighed. "They've sent something to one of the replicators. If I shut it down..."

Damien chuckled, covering his mouth a little as it was still a little full. "Everyone who doesn't have the device will hunt you down and probably make apple pie out of you."

"Seriously?" Harry raised his eyebrow. Damien nodded. "That's the only pun you can come up with? You're losing it."

Damien glowered at him, it probably would have been a little intimidating if he wasn't spooning some crumble and yoghurt together.

"So, we can't do anything until the crew aren't hypnotised anymore, great. In the meantime we're defenceless, and..." A thought popped into the Ensign's head. "They've brainwashed the crew, our shields are down. Why haven't they done anything? What's their objective?" Damien shrugged. "You're right, I should be grateful you're here," Harry groaned.

"I do not understand," Tuvok stated the obvious.

The man in front of him was hysterical, he pointed the phaser at his own neck. A PADD was lying at his feet, and that was all the other people in the queue could see at that moment.

"I didn't want the black one. I needed the white one. I'm entitled to it and I didn't get it. My life's not worth living if I don't have my white I-Fad," the man tearfully explained.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow as his attention briefly went to the PADD, the only speck of black he could see was on its thin edges. "If it has the same function as a white one, it isn't logical to assume a black one is less useful than the white." This was a mistake. The entire queue stared at him with the same furious gaze.

"I mean it, I'll do it! Maybe I'll take that replicator with me, I hate it for doing this horrific thing to me. How could it!" the crewmember screamed. He was about to shoot when Tuvok calmly snatched the phaser out of his hands. Once he had done that the queue turned lynch mob lunged for him, knocking Tuvok flying into the nearby wall.

A new I-Fad owner turned the corner, his joy not affected by the violence he was witnessing. "Ha, sucks to be you guys."

"He threatened to destroy the replicator, kill him!" one woman in the crowd screamed.

Tuvok dragged himself away from the crowd, his eyebrows were both high up at this point. One man's hand flew out of the abyss, grabbed him and pulled him straight back in. "I was before you!" he hissed.

"Fine," the new I-Fad owner huffed. He walked away tapping away at it. "I'm off to play Candy Crush."

The Mess Hall:
Justin trembled as almost everyone's angry stares were focused on him. He backed into the wall, cursing it quietly for being there.

"I... don't under... I gave you what you want," he squeaked, as usual.

Myleene raised her PADD into the air so he could see. "This isn't it, it's a rip off. Cheap knock off."

Nearby Johnny was nursing a bump on his head at one of the tables. "Yeah, that's why I let you win."

"It's the genuine article," Justin stammered. He then felt a heavy feeling in his chest. "I think. Rihanna wouldn't have sent me the wrong specs. She's my friend."

Johnny Junior thrust his PADD into his face, well tried to, he's still only little. "Genuine? It has no logo on it, plus it's smaller. This isn't the I-Fad."

"Oh..." Justin started to feel a little light headed, well more than usual anyway. "Smaller... that's better right, more portable." Nobody was buying it, their stares got more intense.

Neelix soon joined the angry mob, brandishing his two PADDs. "These aren't big enough to coast my coffee cups, faker!"

"It's the latest model," Justin stuttered. He tried to push the wall back, but that was never going to happen. "It's not my fault. Rihanna or that Jeeve's guy, they sent me the original Voyager PADD by mistake, easy one to make."

"Do you insult our god, Jeeve?" Neelix growled. "Wait, original? Are you accusing him of stealing?"

"Um yeah, that's what Assuming Popular..." Justin said normally, shrugging his shoulders. The mob turned on him finally, beating him to a pulp. Neelix decided to bring out one of his frying pans to aid them. This just gave the rest of the group ideas, they all took turns scrambling to the kitchen to grab utensils. I think you know where this is going, let's come back later.

The Doctor couldn't do anything about the sounds of the violence happening outside his door. All he could do was continue his work on the scans Kes got for him.

"Hmm, I see. It's a very basic type of brainwashing. It's reminiscent of the Big Brother disease a few centuries ago." He smiled proudly. "It seems nothing these aliens do is very original, so this should be easily remedied. I could have cured this while I was offline."

With that in mind he got straight to work, humming to himself. A huge thud near the door barely registered, he was too busy mixing hypospray contents together.

"Now, I just need to distribute it," he mused.

Meanwhile on the Assuming Popular Eq... you get the idea:
Rihanna strolled over to Jeeve as he sat down at his desk. She handed him one of their PADDs.

"This has just come in. The Vidiians have just released this device, it should treat early stage Phage infected skin cells," she reported.

Jeeve gasped as he stared at the picture on the report. On it was a blue rectangular device with a grey centre. He jumped to his feet. "Sue them at once!" his voice roared.

Rihanna quickly fixed her hair and wiped his spit from her face. "Immediately sir."

"Excellent. Is Voyager converted yet?" Jeeve cackled.

"90% of the crew is so far," Rihanna reported gleefully. "What do we do once it's 100%, destroy them?"

"Better. They're on their way to the Alpha Quadrant, correct?" Jeeve said. Rihanna wasn't sure, she nodded anyway. "Let them do so. Imagine the customers they'll bring in on their way, mwahahahaha."

Rihanna laughed with him until her device beeped. "Oh sorry, hang on. The Daily Space Mirror newspaper hasn't got anything to print about me in their showbiz column today." With that she pointed the I-Fad at her bare chest, it made a photo click noise. "And send."

Jeeve smiled proudly at her. "Don't forget to make a complaint message about not being left alone by the media. That'll sort you out for tomorrow."

Rihanna nodded, "of course, I'll go log into Chirper now." She tapped away at her device for a few minutes. "Done." She smiled in his direction, "thanks for the advice, father. I've already got a hundred stalkers from that Chirp."

"That's my girl," Jeeve beamed proudly.

Damien had gotten comfortable in Kathryn's chair, as well as Chakotay's where he was resting his feet. Harry stood opposite him, staring in disbelief.

"Don't you have your own ship?"

"Don't you have your own station, Ensign," Damien sniggered.

Harry sighed. "Look, you know these guys from before and you got away. How?"

"Well it helps that my crew didn't get brainwashed..." Damien replied smugly. He paused for a moment like he was expecting something. "Though I'm the only one with a brain, so I'll give you that."

"Why did you pause?" Harry frowned at him.

"You know how it is. I say something and something conveniently happens to prove me wrong," Damien replied with a wide shrug that included his hands. "Lazy writing, you must be familiar with it."

"Vividly," Harry muttered under his breath.

The comm activated with a beep. "Sickbay to Bridge, is there anybody still in their right mind?"

"Barely," Harry said in Damien's direction. He tapped his commbadge. "Please tell me you have a cure."

"Well since you asked so politely," the Doctor's cheerful voice said. Harry sighed heavily in relief. While this was happening a bloodied Justin ran onto the Bridge.

"All I need to do is put it into the environmental systems. The only problem is, if these aliens are still around, they could easily infect everyone again."

"We have to deal with them and delete the replicator entry at the same time. It's the only way to defeat them," Harry said.

Damien rolled his eyes just as Harry rushed to return to his station. His attention went to the newcomer. "You're a bit late, aren't you?"

"Huh?" Justin stuttered.

Harry ignored them both, he grinned as he punched his hand lightly. "I got a plan."

The other turbolift door opened, the rest of Damien's crew and Neelix poured out of it, each armed with kitchen weapons. Justin squealed as they began chasing after him again. Kes meanwhile stepped out of the same turbolift like nothing had happened.

"Not brainwashed and lazy writing, huh," Harry smiled.

Damien slowly shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous, this happens every day. What's your plan so I can make fun of you for how bad it is?"

"Um," Kes tried to butt in. "You're the only ones unaffected?"

"Well, Tuvok too," Harry replied.

Kes didn't look so sure. "Last time I saw him he was joining the queue."

Harry sighed, "do you know how to use Tactical or the Helm?"

"No and barely," Kes replied.

"Great, helm," Harry said. Kes shook her head before rushing for the helm, she did have to dodge the second round of Justin beating to do so. "Damien, tactical."

Damien got out of the seat to Harry's surprise, but he headed over to him instead. When he was within a metre of him, he leaned forward to laugh in his face. "Nice try Kimmy."

"Never mind, I'll take care of Tactical. You continue to be useless," Harry proudly retorted. Damien didn't have a retort back, he rolled his eyes and turned away towards Tactical. "Ok Doc, you still there?"

"Of course."

"Here's the sequence of events. We will open fire on the Apples. At that same moment the Doctor will cure everyone of the brainwashing illness. While that is happening, I'll delete the item from the replicator. When I do this, they will likely try to send us another message. As a distraction we will transport Justin's bloody corpse over to their bridge, while Kes flies around like a lunatic to confuse them. When they do connect to us, I'll switch on the music player and put it on shuffle of obscure songs. This will probably send their systems into overload as they hate diversity. By this time the Apples will be scarred for life as Justin will be back from the dead, probably singing about being sexy back, whatever that means. Though knowing them they'll enjoy this, so as a precaution Justin will be beamed over carrying a bomb. While the Apple ship is exploding we'll prepare to warp out of here, taking the FVDA ship with us. Make sure each one of us is flipping their middle finger from a window. We'll escape on the tail of their blast."

"That's the best plan I've ever heard," Damien cackled.

Kes smirked and shook her head. "We could just skip the middle section out. An alien ship has just dropped out of warp. They're arming weapons and coming their way."

"This series is no fun," Harry pouted. "We're doing this. Fire!"


The entire ship shook as it took the brunt of Voyager and the alien ship's attacks.

"Who was that?" Jeeve demanded.

An unknown person swung their head around, "the Samsons, sir. They've sent us a text message."

"Assholes, we invented that!" Jeeve scowled.

The unknown read from his screen, "you wanted to be paid in damages? Well here it is."

Rihanna squealed nearby, Jeeve swung his head around to see what was bothering her. Justin was lying dead on her console with a frying pan imprint on his face.

"Voyager, they must be fully converted. Increase power," Jeeve growled.

The unknown wiped sweat from his brow, "I can't sir, they're flying all over the place!"

Just then music started playing from their comm systems, everyone, most of all Rihanna looked very confused at this.

"What, this isn't me. Why is it playing?" she asked.

"I've never heard of it," Jeeve's eye twitched. The computer systems started to spark out of control.

"Ohno, everything's going pear shaped!" Rihanna cried as Justin sat back up. His wounds healed instantly.

"Don't you mean apple shaped?" Jeeve muttered.

Everyone watched as the enemy ship began to explode from within.

"Now Kes!" Harry ordered. He looked in Damien's direction, "what are you waiting for, window."

Damien rolled his eyes. His attention turned to his crew. "You heard the girl, go put your fingers up at the Ready Room window or something." They rushed to do as he said for once, Neelix shrugged and followed them.

They reached the window just in time for the ship to blow itself apart. Everyone, apart from Myleene, stuck their middle finger up at them. She looked like she was dipping between something, she eventually settled for sticking her thumb up. Once it was over the others stared at blankly at her.

"You honestly had problems with middle finger?" Johnny covered his face with his hand.

"Well duh, you guys screwed it up," Myleene giggled. She raised both hands, putting them side by side so her thumbs were next to each other. "See, middle finger."

"Oh god," Johnny groaned.

Meanwhile Tuvok, sporting a few new bruises, entered the Bridge with the rest of the bridge crew. "Report."

"They've been defeated sir," Harry proudly said.

"And that's a F for the one sentence long report," Damien shook his head.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow at the strange wannabe villain at his old station. "I see. I'd like all of the devices replicated to be recycled immediately. Set us back on course for the planet." His eyebrow couldn't go any higher so it lowered when he saw Kes at the helm.

"What, short handed. You're welcome," Harry stuttered.

Later, outside the Mess Hall:
Thompson and Foster were heading towards the Mess Hall doors, with phasers on their belts. "Shouldn't Tuvok be here to help us, what if we can't break it up?" Foster said questioningly.

Thompson shrugged, "then we use the phasers."

"I sometimes think we're the only Security personnel on this ship," Foster sighed.

"What are you talking about? Of course we are," Thompson groaned.

The pair entered the Mess Hall to find Neelix and Tom rolling around the floor fighting again. Thompson pulled his phaser out, he shot it into the air, "cut it out!"

"Um yeah," Foster said.

Tom and Neelix continued fighting. Thompson shook his head, "for god's sake, I was just joking Neelix. Tom and Kes weren't making out in the turbolift."

Neelix pulled himself off of Tom, "what, who was then?"

"I told you, it was probably James and Jessie, or Lisa and Ian," Tom muttered.

"No, it was um... it was..." Thompson stuttered. "It was just me and Laura, I just wanted to get the attention off."

Neelix stood up, "oh, I'm sorry Tom."

"It's ok, you're gay, I understand. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Tom said, trying not to laugh.

Neelix narrowed his eyes. Johnny Junior handed him a knife again, "here knock yourself out mate."

Neelix charged at Tom with the knife screaming madly.


****THE END****

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