Fair Haven 2
When Sullivan tries to hit it off with Morgan and Jessie, Tom decides to put his holo programming skills to the ultimate test
Marill as herself
Raichu as herself
That Scarry Faced Guy as Sullivan
Marill & Raichu
7th April 2001
11th January 2005
May 2376 (late season 6)
Tom climbed up onto his chair and he stood on it.
"Tom, get off the chair! You might fall of it!" Chakotay yelled.
"Oh, so you do care, tattoo boy," Tom said.
"Yeah, I care about that carpet. We don't want anymore blood stains on it," Chakotay said.
"How did you get it out?" Morgan asked.
"Ask Harry," Chakotay said. Meanwhile Harry was scrubbing the carpet behind the command chairs.
"Morgan, later," Harry groaned.
"Anyway, I've got an announcement," Tom announced.
"Is it another Digimon Holoprogram?" Triah sniggered.
"No! For the last time, that wasn't my program," Tom said. Jessie and James giggled evilly. "Anyway, Fair Haven is up and running again," Tom said.
Everyone groaned. Harry jumped up taking the soapy bucket with him. It landed on the Doctor's head. Everyone laughed at him.
"This isn't funny," the Doctor moaned.
"I loooove Fair Haven. I'll go after I finish scrubbing. Hey, where's my bucket?" Harry asked.
"On my head," the Doctor muttered.
"How did it get there," Harry muttered. Everyone burst out laughing.
Kathryn emerged from her Ready Room. Judging by her grin on her face she had been drinking Cherry Coke again.
"It's my birthday tomorrow! What are you all getting me?" she asked.
"How about Sullivan? You didn't meet him last time since we didn't have an original version of this episode," Tom said.
"I'm not into Lion Tamers right now. Come on people! I want presents!" Kathryn yelled. Chakotay stood up and he dragged her out of the Bridge.
"Lets go meet this Lion Tamer, he might change your mood," Chakotay was saying.
"Who is this Sullivan?" Morgan asked.
"He's the jerk who has an affair with your mum in original Voyager," Tom replied.
"Excuse me while I throw up," Morgan said. The Doctor who was standing next to her decided to leave the Bridge before anything else happened.
"Marill, why is this episode called Fair Haven 2?" Raichu asked.
"Because it's the second version of Fair Haven," Marill said.
"But we haven't had a first," Raichu said.
"No, I mean this is the episode where Fair Haven has just been fixed. That means it is the second version of it," Marill said.
"I still don't get it," Raichu muttered.
"Stop judging the title and help me out," Marill said angrily.
"One question. What happened to the first version?" Raichu asked.
"Jessie and James reprogrammed it like all of Tom's programs," Marill replied.
"Oh of course," Raichu said.
Kiara and Naomi dragged Morgan by the hand. They arrived outside the holodeck.
"If we're going in that Fair Hell crap then I'm leaving," Morgan groaned.
"Oh we're not," Naomi said. They entered the holodeck. They entered the boring town of Fair Haven.
"Oh for crying out loud!" Morgan groaned.
"Come on, mum and dad are in the program somewhere," Kiara said as she dragged her sister along with her. They got to Sullivan's bar. Like everything else it was a dump. Kiara dragged Morgan inside, Naomi followed.
Kathryn, Chakotay, Tom, Harry, the Doctor, Jessie and James were inside. Kathryn and Chakotay were at the bar. Tom, Harry & the Doctor were with a group of guys. Jessie and James looked bored to tears near the pool table.
"Do you have Cherry Coke, Scarry?" Kathryn asked.
"It's Sullivan. And no we don't," Sullivan replied.
"I hate you!" Kathryn snapped.
"You're suppose to love me. You know I'm that interesting love interest that Brannon Braga hired for you to have love scenes with," Sullivan said.
"Cherry Coke!" Kathryn yelled as she banged her fist on the bar.
Craig ran into the bar and he put a jukebox thing on. Yeah, we know that boring pub probably didn't have one.
A really cheesy song came on. Some guy with a raspy voice started singing. Craig started singing along with it.
"Ohno, it's Two Perfect Girls by Eric Stuart," Tom groaned.
"What's so bad about that?" Harry asked.
"It's a Pokémon song. And the guy who sings it also plays James in Pokémon," Tom said.
"I don't like the sound of that," James muttered.
"Of course not, that's Eric Stuart's other character, Brock. He's just like Craig," Tom said.
Craig restarted the song. "Shh! I'm going to sing!" Craig snapped. Everyone but Kathryn and the dumb Irish people put ear plugs in. "A one woman man's what I want to be. Stay by her side, so faithfully. I would if I could but it's just no good! Coz there's two perfect girls for me!" Craig sang (very badly).
"Jessie, oh Jessie!" Craig sang. Jessie nearly choked on her drink. "Morgan, oh Morgan! A one woman's man is what I want to be, but there's two perfect girls for me," Craig sang just as Morgan nearly tripped over somebodies foot when she heard her name.
"Oh Jessie. Oh can't you see, you can lock me up and throw away the key. Oh Jessie, if loving you's a crime then sentence me now and I'll do the time. Your beauty is simply the best, she's got my heart under HOUSE arrest!" Craig sang. House was sang in a very high pitched voice that nearly broke everyone's glasses. "But before that Geordie makes me her boy, I'm head over heels for a girl named Morgan!" Craig sang. He started to sing the chorus again, followed by "A woman's man what I want to be but there's two perfect girls for me."
"Oh Morgan. Wont you please, cure me of this bad disease. Oh Morgan, the diagnosis is bleak when I see your face my knees get weak. When I'm burning up, I've got the fever, she's my perfect girl and I'll NEVER leave her. Her lovely charm has stolen my heart but why do I have a crush on.. a girl named Jessie," Craig sang. James threw a pool ball at Craig and it knocked him out. Everyone cheered. Everyone took their ear plugs out. Jessie hifived James.
"You're my hero. I thought he would never shut up," Jessie muttered.
"No problem, he was getting on my nerves too," James said.
"Cherry Coke damn it!" Kathryn yelled.
"I don't know what that is," Sullivan said. Chakotay gently took her arm.
"Come on, there's more Cherry Coke in your Ready Room," he said.
"Hey! She's not suppose to be already taken!" Sullivan moaned. Morgan walked up to the bar.
"This is Fifth Voyager, get used to it Scar. Get me some Cherry Coke," Morgan said.
"I don't believe it! No, I don't have Cherry Coke. Are you related to Katie or something?" Sullivan asked.
"Who's Katie?" Morgan asked as Craig stood up.
"The woman that was at the bar before," Sullivan replied.
"Oh her. Yup, I'm her daughter," Morgan said.
"Damn. Er, you're quite gorgeous too, you look just like your mother, are you available?" Sullivan asked. Morgan picked up a corkscrew.
"You see this. This'll hurt if I stab you in the hand with it. Do you want me to demonstrate?" Morgan asked.
"No, I just wanted to know if you're available. Brannon hired me to be a love interest," Sullivan said. Morgan stabbed him in the hand with the corkscrew.
"Oh! That didn't hurt that much. I wish there was a knife that magically turns into a fork," Morgan said.
"Would you leave me alone! It was a small mistake!" Firera's voice yelled.
"Firera, where did you come from? Uhoh, we'd better not show you the last episode," Raichu's voice said.
"Why, what happened?" Firera's voice asked.
Sullivan, being the wimp he is, was clutching his hand in pain. Craig walked over to the bar. "Oh please, I need someone to be my love interest!" Sullivan said.
"Is this jerk causing you trouble?" Craig asked.
"Well yeah, but I can sort him myself," Morgan said. Sullivan sulked.
"Don't tell me, he's your boyfriend," Sullivan muttered.
"Er, yeah," Morgan muttered. Craig couldn't believe his luck, his grin grew extremely wide.
"Damn, would you introduce me to that babe that's near the pool table, the one standing next to that blonde haired freak," Sullivan asked.
"If you thought I was aggressive, you don't want to go near her," Morgan muttered. She and Craig walked away from the bar. "Thanks Craig, if you weren't there I could of been there for the rest of my life," Morgan muttered.
"Er, no problem," Craig replied. Morgan looked around the bar.
"Er.. Craig, where is Tom?" Morgan asked.
"He was here a minute ago," Craig muttered.
"Computer locate Tom Paris," Morgan said.
"Tom Paris is in Engineering."
"What happened? In original Voyager, Janeway loved Sullivan," B'Elanna asked.
"I don't know. It must of been because she's hyper on Cherry Coke right now," Tom said.
"What about Morgan then? Did she like him?" B'Elanna asked.
"Nope, she stabbed him in the hand with a corkscrew, at least that's what it looked like," Tom said.
"Maybe it's a family thing. Or maybe it's because somebody hasn't fixed his program properly," B'Elanna said.
"You've just given me an idea," Tom said.
"TOM PARIS!" a familiar voice yelled. Tom and B'Elanna turned around to see Morgan storming towards them.
"You called?" Tom said.
"You programmed that load of crap, didn't you!" Morgan yelled.
"What crap are you talking about?" Tom asked.
"That Irish Hell Hole!" Morgan replied angrily.
"It's not a hell hole, and it's not a load of crap!" Tom exclaimed.
"I take that as a yes! So did you program that scarry two faced son of a b**ch!" Morgan snapped.
"Morgan, who are you talking about?" Tom asked even though he knew who she was talking about.
"Sullivan! Does that ring a bell in your thick skull!" she yelled.
"It does actually. What's wrong with him?" Tom asked.
"He's a big jerk! He was going on about being a love interest and he wanted to be mine! The nerve of it. If Craig wasn't there I would of killed him in frustration," Morgan said.
"Craig huh?" Tom muttered.
"Tom, you're not planning something are you?" B'Elanna asked.
"Ooooh! I'm not getting anywhere with you," Morgan growled and she stormed out of the room.
"Rex to Paris. You'd better get this Sullivan jerk away from me or I'll delete him. Oh. Thanks, James, if you hadn't of switched him off I would of strangled him."
"I think your character is causing a lot of trouble, Tommy boy," B'Elanna muttered.
"Actually I think he may cause more good than harm," Tom said.
Morgan, Jessie, James & Craig were sitting at a table near the viewport. Kiara and Naomi were doing a jigsaw puzzle on the neighbouring table.
"So he came on to you too?" Jessie asked.
"Yeah, that jerk better be deleted soon or I'll do it," Morgan muttered.
"Don't worry Morgan, I won't let him touch my girlfriend," Craig said. Jessie and James laughed.
"Craig, that was just an alibi to get away from Sullivan," Morgan said.
"Oh, I knew that, I was just kidding," Craig muttered. Tom and Harry walked into the Mess Hall. They headed straight over to Morgan & Co's table.
"We took your complaints into account and we've made an adjustment to the program. Sullivan has been reprogrammed, so he won't cause anymore trouble," Tom said.
"Why didn't you just delete him?" James asked.
"Because that's not a challenge. Anyway you guys will really like him now," Tom said.
"Why should we trust you?" Jessie asked.
"Because this time I'm on his side," Harry said.
"Fine. We'll go, but if he's still a jerk, he's permanently deleted," Morgan said angrily.
"Computer activate Fair Haven 2, the Matchmaker version," Tom whispered to the computer.
"Why is he whispering?" Craig asked.
"I knew we shouldn't of trusted him. Lets go," Morgan said. She started to leave but Tom grabbed her arm.
"Morgan, I've gone to a lot of trouble over this. Five minutes and if you don't like it you can just leave," he said.
"Oh fine, I don't know why I agree to these things," Morgan muttered. All six of them walked in. Instead of the dump town, they appeared in a back part of a studio.
"You four just wait here until somebody tells you to go else where," Harry said as he and Tom ran down a corridor. They all sulked and they did what they were told.
"Cherry Coke!" Kathryn demanded.
"You can't have any more. You've had enough," Chakotay said calmly.
"Oh come on you d*** head! I want Cherry Coke," Kathryn pouted.
"How about some coffee?" Chakotay asked.
"Coffee sucks now! I want Cherry Coke now!" Kathryn yelled. Chakotay groaned. Neelix rushed onto the Bridge with a giant bottle of Cherry Coke.
"Neelix, she's not allowed to have anymore," Chakotay said.
"There is nothing wrong with Cherry Coke, Commander," Neelix said.
"Ever heard of hyperactivity?" Chakotay asked.
"Yes, but there is nothing wrong with that either. It's healthy, anyway the Captain ordered me to get her some," Neelix said.
"Good boy, I'm going to promote you," Kathryn said.
Holodeck, inside the studio:
There was a large holographic audience cheering. Suddenly the announcer, which was just the ships computer, started speaking.
"Welcome to the greatest chat show of all time. Much better than Jerry Springer, it's Michael Sullivan!"
The audience cheered extremely loudly. They started chanting, "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!" Sullivan walked onto the stage, he was wearing a black suit and he had a microphone in his hand.
"Hello, today's addition of The Michael Sullivan Show will include, 'Should They Or Not?' and 'Harrassed Crewmembers.' Now lets bring out our first guests, Tom Paris & Harry Kim!" Sullivan yelled. Everyone cheered again as Tom and Harry walked up to the stage. They sat down in the chairs that were available on the stage.
"Now then, Tom, will you tell our viewers why you are here," Sullivan said.
"Thanks Michael I will. I know two girls who, even though they wouldn't admit it, would love to be paired up with someone. And I know which guys are perfect for them," Tom said.
"Tom, this program's great," Harry whispered. Tom grinned as he nodded his head.
"Well then lets meet our first girl, Jessie Rex," Sullivan said. Everyone cheered as the security guard guy escorted Jessie to the stage, she glanced oddly at everyone and she sat down. "Hello Jessie, we've met before haven't we?"
"F*** off!" she snapped angrily. The Asterisk words came out as a high pitched beep.
"Oooh, what a temper. Now do you know why you are here?" Sullivan asked.
"Yeah, that (BEEP)hole tricked me into coming here," Jessie said angrily as she pointed at Tom.
"Actually you're here because he believes that you're in need for companionship. The recent episode in the bar before proves that," Sullivan said.
"He's really starting to get on (BEEP)ing nerves," Jessie muttered.
"Lets bring out our second girl, everybody meet Morgan Janeway," Sullivan said. The audience cheered as the security guard guy escorted Morgan up to the stage.
"I don't need your (BEEP)ing help you jerk!" she yelled at him.
"Now you have heard everything I have said to Jessie, and Tom believes the same thing is true of you. What do you say about that?" Sullivan asked.
"That (BEEP)ing (BEEP) doesn't know anything. He's just a (BEEP)ing son of a (BEEP)," Morgan grumbled.
"Hmm, girls seem to use bad language these days," Sullivan muttered. Tom and Harry nodded at him. Jessie and Morgan passed them an icy glare each.
"Now girls, if you were to pick a man, what would he be like?" Sullivan asked.
"Definitely not you," Morgan replied.
"Seriously girls. The only way to get out of here is too answer my questions," Sullivan said.
"Nobody," Morgan muttered.
"Somebody that isn't a cocky (BEEP) just like Tom," Jessie muttered.
"Well Tom has already determined who you would pick and I'm sure he's correct. Audience, meet Craig Anderson & James Taylor," Sullivan said. The audience cheered again as the pair nervously walked up onto the stage.
"Jess, what's going on?" James asked.
"Don't ask!" Jessie snapped.
"Now then boys, Tom here has suggested that you two would be perfect with these two lovely girls here. What do you think about that?" Sullivan asked.
"Well Morgan and Jessie are so gorgeous. I would love to be with them but I have realised quite recently that it would never happen. So I somehow doubt what Tom has said," Craig said in a sad voice.
"Damn right," Jessie grumbled. Morgan elbowed her hard in her arm. "Ow. What was that for you (BEEP)!" Jessie snapped.
"You're the one who's the (BEEP), the guy has just complimented you and you respond like that," Morgan replied.
"Geeze, keep you eye piece on," Jessie muttered.
"Well you won't have to worry about that Jessie. Tom has suggested that Morgan and Craig are perfect together. What do you both think about that?" Sullivan asked.
"Well Craig's a nice guy and that but he used to be so over confident around girls. It seems like it's starting to wear off at last. I just considered him a friend," Morgan said.
"And now?" Sullivan asked.
"What do you mean now? We're still friends but now it'll be a lot easier if he isn't too busy staring at me all the time," Morgan said.
"So Craig, do you have any feelings for Morgan?" Sullivan asked.
Jessie fell asleep on James' shoulder. He fell asleep too, his head was resting against hers.
"Well, if it's safe to say then.. yes," Craig said.
The audience did a big, "aaaaaww!"
"Well what about other girls that you've asked out and stared at?" Sullivan asked.
"I was only looking for the perfect girl, and I believe that I've found her," Craig said.
The audience, including Tom and Harry, did another big, "aaaaaww!"
"Morgan, what do you say to that?" Sullivan asked.
"Er.. well for starters I didn't know that he could be so sweet," Morgan stuttered. Tom and Harry started laughing. Sullivan looked over to what Tom and Harry was laughing at.
"Well it seems like our other guests have fallen asleep," Sullivan said.
The audience did another big, "aaaw!" at James and Jessie. Sullivan walked over to the pair and he yelled loudly to wake them up. They woke up startled and confused. They both looked around and they remembered where they were. They both groaned.
"Oh well, we'd better get back to these two before they fall asleep again. James, Jessie, what do you think about Tom saying that the two of you are perfect together?" Sullivan asked.
"Bull(BEEP)," Jessie pouted.
"Yeah, we've been friends for over twenty years," James said.
"Seventy percent of life long friendships end up in romantic relationships," Sullivan said.
"What a load of crap!" Jessie muttered.
"Er.. John I think we should have had that bleeped," Sullivan said.
"Sorry Michael but the words crap, bloody and hell are acceptable in this PG rating," the guy called John said.
"But Jessie do you remember the episode 'Holo Q?' James did nothing but help you out when you were in trouble. And at the end, you kissed him on the cheek," Tom said.
The audience did another, "aaaaaww!"
"And in the episode 'Timeline' he planned a surprise birthday party all by himself and his birthday present to you was a kiss on the cheek," Tom said.
The audience did another, "aaaaaawww!"
"Oh shut up you stupid (BEEP)ing audience!" Jessie yelled.
"And I'm not even going to mention the episode 'Unforgettable' coz everyone was suppose to have forgotten that one," Tom said.
"Oh and Tom, do you remember the episode 'Upendi.' The pair were drunk and they shared a rather long kissing session," Harry said.
"WHAT!" the pair stuttered.
"I don't remember that," James said.
"Of course not, you were drunk," Harry muttered.
"What a shame," Tom muttered.
"Well if that did happen then it doesn't count for anything. Everyone does silly things when they're drunk, it happens," Jessie said angrily.
"Hmmm, since you forgotten that certain event in 'Upendi' maybe you would like to do it again, just to remember what it was like," Sullivan said. The audience cheered.
"(BEEP) OFF!" both of them yelled.
"Well what do you people at home think? There's a little debate thing in the Message Board about a few people in Fifth Voyager who the writer, Raichu, thinks should be together. Why don't you visit right after this episode," Sullivan said.
"Raichu, since when does characters advertise other pages on the site?" Marill's voice asked.
"Since now, it's just for fun," Raichu's voice replied.
Kathryn's birthday party had been on two hours and nearly everyone was already drunk.
"Morgan, where did you get this Cherry Coke?" Kathryn asked in a slurry voice.
"That planet in 'Muse,' that guy didn't pay us so I stole our reward," Morgan replied. She was giggling her head off while she was speaking.
Tom had snuck a video camera into the party and he was talking to Harry.
"But I doubt they would want to drink again after what we told them," Harry said.
"Doesn't matter because I've spiked their Cherry Coke," Tom said.
Meanwhile Jessie and James were singing to the song 'Double Trouble' by Eric Stuart, Rachael Lillis & Adam Blaustein again.
Jessie and James were doing there usual drunken giggling as the next song came on. Luckily they didn't decide to sing. Instead, round two of the drunken kissing session started. Kiara saw and she nearly choked on her cake.
"Eew! Gross again!" she squealed. Tom grinned as he got the whole five minutes on tape.
"Should we show them first thing in the morning?" Tom asked.
"Why not," Harry replied.
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