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The Web of Deceit

Episode Synopsis
Voyager's old foe decides to make his presence known by kidnapping a member of the crew. Meanwhile Janeway and Chakotay's friendship deepens.

26th April, 1st & 8th May 2004

Episode Based In
March 2380


Captains Log Stardate March the... the. Damn it Chakotay, what is the date?

"16th, can I remind you that's not a Stardate," Chakotay replied.

Fine. Captains Log Date March the 16th 2380. We are back in orbit around Earth again, I can't get enough of that view... wait a minute!

Kathryn tapped her commbadge, "Janeway to the helm."

Bryan turned around, "you don't need to do that to talk to me here, you know."

Kathryn glared, "Janeway to the helm."

Bryan groaned, he tapped his commbadge, "I'm here, what is it?"

"Move the ship so we can see more of the planet on the viewscreen. I hate flying around it," Kathryn said.

"To do that we'd have to fly into the atmosphere or just remain still while facing the planet," Bryan said.

Kathryn shrugged, "fine remain still while facing North America, it's really a pretty view. I don't see why we don't stay still while in orbit anyway."

"Well if you want North America to be in view all the time we'll have to move," Chakotay pointed out.

"Or I can just fiddle with the viewscreen so we don't have to move at all," Jodie commented. She changed the viewscreen to show America, a quarter of it was mostly black.

"Hey, what happened to it! I demand an explanation!" Kathryn snapped.

"I'll get the coffee," Chakotay whispered to Andrea. He got up and headed towards the Ready Room.

"Um, in America the sun's setting," Jodie sheepishly replied.

Kathryn's face dropped, "oh damn it."

"I'll put up a picture of Asia or something, it's daytime there," Jodie said.

"Ooh, is there anyway we can make it so it's always daytime in America?" Kathryn asked.

Andrea groaned, "you've got to be kidding."

"Well if you're going to do that, do it to England, that'll help with the vampire problem," Emma commented.

Kathryn sat up in her chair, "good let's do it." She pressed a button on the computer next to her.

Captains Log Supplemental: We have a new mission, we are going to make Earth stop spinning so England will never have darkness, unless you count the annoying rain clouds. This will help with the current vampire pro... coffee, do I smell coffee?

Chakotay slowly put down a tray with coffee cups and a small kettle on, onto the floor. "Yes it's coffee, come and get it," he replied.

Kathryn rushed over to the tray, Chakotay quickly moved away to a safe distance. She picked up the tray, "I'll be in my Ready Room." She giggled and disappeared into her Ready Room.

"Thank god Chakotay, you just saved the world," Andrea muttered.

"I've saved a lot of worlds," Chakotay said. A group of people standing at the front of the bridge laughed.

Bryan frowned, "uh, who are these people?" They laughed again.

"I dunno but they're starting to annoy me already," Andrea grumbled.

"They sound like the audiences you get on TV comedy sitcoms," Jodie commented.

Everyone else's eyes widened. "Oh god, it can't be," Chakotay stuttered.

"Oh yes it can, this episode's going to be a TV..." Bryan said. He was interrupted by the abrupt beam out of the audience. They appeared on the viewscreen floating in orbit. "Maybe not."

Everyone glanced over at Emma. "What?"

New Manchester, Sandi & Lena's flat:
"I told you this was a better idea. I don't have to live alone and you don't have to live with your annoying brother," Lena was busy saying from the kitchen.

Sandi turned her head away from the TV, which was playing the Friends theme tune. "I'm sorry, what?"

Lena looked up, "why are you watching that old TV show?"

Sandi turned back to the TV, "it's funny."

"Ookay," Lena said.

Kevin walked straight in, "hello girls."

Sandi groaned, "you don't live here anymore Kevin, you can't just barge in."

"I can't? Oh well, just wanted to let you know that I'll not be going with you patrolling," Kevin said.

"Oh god, I totally forgot about that," Lena muttered.

"Yeah me too," Sandi said, she pulled herself to her feet. "Why aren't you going?"

"I have a date with Nikki," Kevin replied.

"But it's ten pm," Sandi muttered.

Kevin glanced at his watch, "no it's five pm, I work in American time baby."

Sandi rolled her eyes, "but the restaurants don't."

"Restaurants? Hell no, I'm taking her to one of the new clubs down town," Kevin said.

Lena frowned, "I hate to nitpick but doesn't America have several different timezones?"

"She's right," Sandi said.

"So? Janeway put all the ships on the five hours behind England one so I'm sticking to it. Jetlag is for losers," Kevin said.

"Jetlag is for people who travel from Australia to England or America, you dope," Sandi muttered.

Lena groaned, "oh my god, this is getting more annoying by the second. We have to go Sandi."

"Right sorry," Sandi said.

Kevin headed out, "have fun girlies." He closed the door behind him.

"Like I said, us living together is a better arrangement," Lena muttered.

"Hmm yeah," Sandi nodded her head.

Meanwhile, the Pegasus:
The bridge crew watched as Damien flicked through a few notebooks. "I don't understand, I'm the main villain of this series." He threw one of the red hard back books at Riker, it hit him in the forehead but he didn't flinch. "What happened to my own episode, and why aren't I casted for any other episodes this season!"

"I don't ****** know you ****** ****, maybe you are ******* dull now," the new helm officer muttered.

Damien raised his eyebrow, "how come I didn't understand a word he said?"

"Marill's got rid of the old censors, now swearwords just get muted so you can't understand a sentence with too many swearwords in," the smart alacky new tactical officer replied.

"I see. Now will someone tell me why I'm not in the rest of the season," Damien said.

"Probably because Eamon is ******* messing up your chances cos he's wack," the new opps officer said.

"Wack?" Damien muttered.

"Yes sir, I'm equally baffled," the tactical guy said.

"Baffled?" Damien muttered.

The helm guy, Eamon, turned to the opps officer, "shut the **** up you ******* tart." He turned back to the others, "that could be the title of my ******* next single."

"Oh yeah, well I've got a better one: Duck! I'm throwing ******* toys at you," the opps girl said. She pulled two rabbit toys out of nowhere and threw them at him.

Damien's eyes widened, "noooooooo!" He knelt down to gather up the toys.

"That maybe why you're not in the rest of the season, sir," the tactical guy said.

Damien glared at him as he stood back up, "I've been in this series since it first was released, that's not a reason."

"Well it is a very good one sir. The rabbit obsession stopped being funny in the first season after all," the tactical guy said.

Riker moaned as he rubbed his forehead, "ow, what hit my head?"

Everyone stared at him. "Um ok," Damien shook his head. "Annoying twits listen up, we're not going to just sit around in the background waiting for a plot to be given to us. Like we usually do we're going to make our own up."

"Technically that isn't accurate as..." the tactical guy muttered. Damien pulled out a phaser and shot him, he vaporised.

"Oooh ****** pretty," the opps girl giggled.

Damien rolled his eyes, "ok enough with the swearing, we're not movie villains."

The Leda Bridge:
Naomi turned around, "uh dad, the helm is playing up."

Harry raised his eyebrow, "you're not going to get tired of this, are you?"

"Nope. The helm is playing up though," Naomi replied.

"I'll take a look at it," Evil C said, he left opps.

Lee stepped out of the turbolift, "reporting for duty all."

"Hey daddy," Naomi laughed. Everyone but Harry and Lee burst out laughing.

"That's not funny. I'm not a dad," Lee grumbled.

"Well it is narrowed down to you two and some other guy," Lilly commented.

"Me being drunk does not count me as a suspect!" Lee snapped.

"Exactly. Craig's rubbish at investigations, maybe we should investigate ourselves," Harry said.

"Whatever," Naomi laughed.

Evil C finished fiddling with the helm, "this is not messed up, you just pressed the standby button."

"Oh, well somebody said stand by so," Naomi giggled. He rolled his eyes and walked off. "Oh well, I'm not thinking straight today. I'm seeing Kevin tomorrow."

Lilly smiled, "oh really?"

Harry frowned, "really?"

"I don't like the way you said that," Naomi muttered.

"Well I remember seeing him pick up Nikki from Sickbay, not long before my shift," Harry said.

Naomi turned her chair around, "what?"

"Nikki? Nah, I thought she only had a thing for blonde guys like Craig or Tom," Lilly commented.

"And she didn't seem to like him the last time I talked with her," Naomi grumbled.

"Maybe his old pick up line's working again," Harry shrugged his shoulders.

The next morning, Sandi/Lena's Flat:
Sandi just finished off folding some of her clothes when there was a knock on the door, "it's open."

Craig opened the door, "Sandi, I thought Zare stayed here after patrol."

Sandi smiled, "she had to stay with Kevin."

Craig's face turned dangerously pale, "oh god, I'd better check on her."

"Yeah that would be a good idea," Sandi said.

Craig didn't waste any time in leaving the room, he knocked loudly on the opposite flat's door.

Zare appeared at the doorway, "hey Craig." He quickly pulled her outside and closed the door. "What's wrong?"

"Kevin, he hasn't tried anything right?" Craig questioned.

"Yes of course. I wouldn't worry about it, he never gets anywhere," Zare replied.

"Does he ever with anybody these days?" Craig said.

"Nikki last night," Zare said, nodding her head.

"That's odd," Craig muttered.

Zare shrugged, "yeah, tell me about it."

Craig looked back at Sandi and Lena's flat, "where's Lena?"

Zare rolled her eyes, "for crying out loud, can't you ever stop thinking about her?"

"I'm only asking cos I'm looking for Daniel," Craig muttered.

"Oh ok," Zare sighed. "I saw them earlier, they've gone to the café nearby for breakfast."

"Right, I need to go and talk to him," Craig said.

"Craig do me a favour. Accept it for god's sake," Zare grumbled.

"No you don't understand, it's not about Lena," Craig said.

"Now you've lost me," Zare commented.

The Pegasus, Conference Room:
Eamon was nearby the wall panel trying to explain a plan to the rest of the staff. "Once we puppy initiate that bunny plan we puppy take over some kitten's place. Once we're puppy inside we'll await the dipbunny's arrival. We'll ambush them then and puppy interrogate them for information."

Damien stared blankly, "uh, did anyone else not understand what he was saying, or am I just more hyped up on yogurt than usual?"

"No puppy kidding Damien, what the?" the opps girl muttered, looking confused.

"It seems that the writer has replaced her new censor program already," a new smart alacky ensign said.

Damien groaned, "and she's torturing us with annoying Wesley wannabes too. Translation smarty?"

"Puppy, bunny, kitten and possibly other cute words are replacing certain swearwords," the smart alacky ensign replied.

"He said translation," the opps girl said.

"I would but it would just get censored again," the smart alacky ensign said.

"This one isn't smart alacky," Damien muttered.

"Oh I know, I'll replace the cute words with similar words to the swear words," the smart alacky ensign said.

Damien sighed, "doesn't matter, we'll get Eamon to write his plan down."

"Sir is the meeting finished now?" Riker asked.

"I think so why?" Damien replied.

"No reason," Riker said. He pushed his chair over to the girls. "Hey Frankee, do you want to go out sometime?"

"Well I guess puppy ugly guys are my type, ok," the opps girl replied.

"Forget hyper, I'm stoned," Damien muttered, shaking his head.

"Sir, I saw it too. A girl actually wants to go out with Riker," the smart alacky ensign said.

"One of these days I will get a crew that I can tolerate," Damien muttered as he walked out of the room.

"Did she just say puppy's are ugly!" Eamon blurted out. Everyone stared at him funny.

The café outside the block of flats:
Lena took another sip of her coke, she put it back onto the table. "Then he started asking what I was doing with you."

The fork that Daniel was holding fell onto the plate in front of him. "He knows and I'm still alive, something's not right there."

"Well he's not supposed to kill you yet. First he just teases me about it, which he's done. Later you and I break up," Lena said. She fiddled with the straw in her glass. "When we get back together, then he kills you."

"That's great," Daniel muttered.

"I wouldn't worry about it. He only killed Craig cos he was annoyed about Jessie being attacked," Lena said sweetly.

Daniel raised his eyebrow, "by Craig?"

"Forget James, Jessie will kill you now for that," Lena laughed.

"Er, why?" Daniel questioned.

"Cos Craig's a weakling, Jessie's far from that and recently she gets a bit annoyed when people call her soft," Lena replied.

"Well I won't tell if you won't," Daniel said.

"Ok but since your old self was responsible for Susy's death, I'm very surprised James hasn't tried to get you yet," Lena said before taking another sip of her drink.

"Well I was taken by surprise last time, might not be so bad," Daniel muttered.

Craig walked up to the table, "hey guys." Both Lena and Daniel jumped in shock.

"I'm thinking that he's just sent Craig to annoy us instead," Lena muttered.

"Who, what? Oh forget it. I want to talk to Daniel alone," Craig said.

"Whatever you want to say to him, you can say it when I'm here," Lena said.

"Ok," Craig shrugged. "Triah got herself pregnant at a party not long before the last Iinan incident. Daniel is one of three suspects."

Lena stared blankly at Daniel, while he just groaned into his hand, "god, I hate my previous life."

"Are you serious?" Lena asked.

"Yep. He, Harry and Lee are all suspects as they were hammered at the party," Craig replied.

"Why don't we get a DNA test," Lena suggested.

"Well Triah doesn't like that idea of any of the three being the dad. She doesn't want to know," Craig said.

"Well I don't blame her. I could have lived without finding out who Kiara's dad is," Lena muttered.

Daniel frowned, "hey, that insult wasn't directed at me was it?"

"No, just Harry and Lee," Lena replied.

"Lee's ok," Craig said.

"That gay ponce? He's as dull as one of Chakotay's parables," Daniel said.

Craig sighed, "I don't think any of them are any good but the kid does need a dad."

"True but if she doesn't want to know, what can we do now?" Lena questioned. A sneaky grin appeared on Craig's face. "Oh god no."

"What?" Daniel muttered.

Later on Voyager, Chakotay's Quarters:
The main room was poorly lighted, and the smell of coffee had overpowered the area around the table.

The door chimed just as Chakotay placed two plates on the table, "come in."

Kathryn walked in, "sorry I'm late, I..." She looked around the room, "what on earth, I thought we were having breakfast."

"We are. I've made a large flask of coffee just for you to drink," Chakotay smiled.

Kathryn made her way over to the table, "Chakotay, what is your intention here?"

Chakotay looked around, worried. "Oh no, I thought it would be obvious with the coffee feel. I even replicated coffee scented candles, idiot."

Kathryn smiled, "it's really very sweet."

Chakotay sighed, "never mind, let's just eat. I replicated your favourite." He turned to the table, "toast with coffee flavoured butter, caffeinated bacon and eggs."

Kathryn sat down looking uneasy, "um thanks, it looks delicious." Chakotay smiled as he sat down opposite her.

Half an hour later, Sandi/Lena's flat:
Lena sat down at the table with a glass and a small plate in her hands, she put both on the table. Kathryn sat opposite her with a cup of coffee.

"There's been nothing for ages so this is very sudden," Kathryn said.

Lena groaned, "mum, as much as you talking about dad coming onto you 'interests' me, I think we should talk about something else."

Kathryn sighed, "ok." She sipped at her coffee. "I mean he got coffee candles. Next he'll be taking me to a coffee shop."

"I thought we were finished with that. Wait, coffee shop? What's so bad about that?" Lena asked.

"I told you, coffee is a lovers drink," Kathryn replied.

Lena's eyes shifted nervously, "uh, I didn't take you seriously there." She glanced behind her, "damn him for being right."

"I was deadly serious. Haven't you seen the Kenco adverts, or is it Nescafé?" Kathryn questioned.

"Um, no I haven't," Lena muttered.

"I downloaded all the ones I could find on the database," Kathryn giggled. She turned serious again, "he was so trying to romance me. I just don't know what to do about it."

"I dunno, can we talk about something else?" Lena said.

Outside the Enterprise Mess Hall:
Triah and Craig were talking while heading for the door. Triah stopped suddenly, "I don't see the point of this."

"There isn't really any. Just have lunch with them, I'll be there too," Craig said. He walked into the Mess Hall.

Triah narrowed her eyes, "there is a point, you're just not telling me it." She followed him.

"Just talk to them, do it for Craig Junior," Craig said.

Triah stopped again, "I'm not naming him after you. It would be very confusing, imagine it, 'go with your Uncle Craig, Craig'."

"Well what are you going to call him then?" Craig pouted.

"Fine, I'll go and talk to them," Triah groaned. She rushed over to Harry, Lee and Daniel's table.

Craig looked confused, "uh, what did I say?"

Meanwhile, another café:
"Sorry I couldn't make it to breakfast, I had to do some work," Naomi said.

"It's fine, I got back late from Slaying anyway," Kevin said.

"Uh huh," Naomi muttered.

A waitress came over, "are you ready to order yet?"

"No, not yet," Naomi replied.

"Ok let me know when you are," the waitress said, she walked away.

"Can I ask you a question?" Naomi questioned.

"Sure, shoot," Kevin replied.

"Since when does Nikki go with you on your patrols," Naomi asked.

Kevin looked confused, "she never has."

"Well why was she with you last night?" Naomi asked.

"Yeah right, whoever told you that must have been mistaken," Kevin replied.

"Hmm really," Naomi said as Nikki came over to the table.

"He's right, I was mistaken. My first impression of you was right, I should have stuck with it," she said.

Naomi got out of her chair, "I think we'll be going." She and Nikki headed away.

Kevin groaned, "dammit."

Voyager, the Ready Room:
Kathryn finished drinking from her cup, she put it down to continue working on her computer. Not long later she reached over to pick it up again, she brought it to her lips but immediately pulled it away again. "Aaaagh, those damn coffee pixies have stolen the rest of my coffee again!"

The door chimed just as she slammed the cup on the table. "Yes?" She reached over to the flask and refilled the cup.

Chakotay walked in, he put his hands behind his back, "you wanted to see me?"

"We need to talk about us," Kathryn said.

"Yes, I think we do," Chakotay said.

They stayed in silence for about ten minutes. Kathryn broke the silence by taking a sip of her coffee. "Do you want to get back together?"

"Yes I do," Chakotay replied.

"Well that's settled then," Kathryn said as she got out of her chair. They both walked up to each other. They kissed and put their arms around one another. Outside the group of people from the first scene started cheering and clapping.

The Leda Sickbay:
"I still can't believe it, what a creep," Naomi grumbled while pacing the office. "We've heard stories about his womanising but this, I never expected it."

"Told you he was a dork," Nikki muttered, working on a computer.

"Fine, but if you thought that why did you even go out with him?" Naomi asked, folding her arms.

Nikki sighed, "I don't know. I've been looking for dateable material for years using my capture and learn method."

"Uh huh," Naomi muttered, raising her eyebrow.

"But that only lead me to the married ones or the ones with girlfriends," Nikki said.

"Yeah the blondes, you said," Naomi said.

"Well I'm sorry that I have a weakness for blonde guys," Nikki groaned.

Naomi smiled as she sat on the edge of the desk, "maybe you should find a nice Porséan guy."

"They don't exist in this dimension," Nikki muttered.

"What, Porséan guys or just nice ones?" Naomi questioned.

"Porséan's. We live on Mercury and in this reality it isn't inhabited," Nikki replied.

Naomi raised her eyebrow again, "and they call me a dumb blonde. The difference between this one and yours is the Ligers."

"I was told the Ligers were the ones that put the cloak up," Nikki said.

Doctor Jones walked into the office, "nope it was the inhabitance that shared your world, so I'm told. They were worried that Humans or Ligers were nearly as advanced as them so they built it to protect them."

"Well it didn't work," Nikki said.

"The Ligers visit to your planet must have gave your people ideas. They wouldn't have seen Humans for another few centuries," Doctor Jones said.

"Obviously," Nikki shrugged.

"I hope you girls are doing work in here," Doctor Jones smiled.

"There's no work to do around here," Nikki said. "What kind of cursed ship is this?"

"What are you doing here anyway?" Naomi asked.

"Talking to someone," Nikki replied.

Doctor Jones sighed, "well be quick. There is more to Sickbay than treating patients." He walked away.

"Who are you talking to then?" Naomi asked.

"Several people really, I think it's called a chat room," Nikki said.

"Nik this room's called an office," Naomi said.

Nikki looked up at her just to stare blankly, "I'm talking about the computer, it's a virtual room. It's on something called the internet, supposedly it's a new slash old craze."

"What does it do?" Naomi asked.

The doors opened up again, this time Kevin walked inside. He slowly stepped into the office, "um, hey girls."

"What are you doing here?" Naomi asked.

"I came to apologise, I'm so glad you're both here," Kevin replied.

"Apologise for what? Lying to us or humiliating us both?" Naomi muttered.

"Uh both," Kevin meekly replied.

Nikki shrugged, "forget about it."

"I don't think I can. I've never done this before and I feel pretty bad about it," Kevin muttered.

"Good, keep it up," Nikki said.

"Uh Nik," Naomi said in a teasing voice.

Nikki looked up at her, "what?"

"Look I'm sorry, I don't know how to make it up to you," Kevin said.

"What, I'm fine with it really. I've already met someone else," Nikki said.

Naomi and Kevin glanced at each other briefly, then turned back to Nikki. "When did that happen?" Naomi muttered.

"Just an hour ago," Nikki replied.

Kevin frowned, "oh ok, that's good I suppose." He turned back around to head out of the room.

Naomi watched him leave, once he had she looked back at Nikki. "Good girl, you're getting the hang of the dating game."

"Huh? I wasn't joking," Nikki said.

"Oh. Well who is he?" Naomi asked.

Nikki smiled, "I'm talking to him now."

"Oh right, but who is it?" Naomi said.

"You don't know him Naomi, he's called Alex," Nikki replied.

Naomi sighed, "ok good, I have a good idea that'll really get Kevin back."

Meanwhile, the Enterprise's Mess Hall:
"Don't you think I've got it bad enough that I murdered James' step mum? Well the other guy did," Daniel muttered.

"You've got it better. Having a baby cos I was drunk isn't one of my dreams come true," Harry snapped.

Triah groaned, "oh my god."

"Look guys, what did I tell you?" Craig said.

"Fine fine. It's not one of them or me, I'd do a test to prove me right," Lee said.

Craig groaned, "oh very smooth Lee."

"This was the whole point of this, wasn't it?" Triah snapped.

Craig cringed, "well you can't have all the guys as dads, can you?"

"I don't want any of them!" Triah yelled. "Harry's an annoying smart arse, Daniel's a murderer, and Lee is the only annoying gay boy I've ever met."

"I'm not gay," Lee mumbled.

"You're only fooling yourself," Daniel said.

"Triah please, it probably isn't even one of these three. We'll never know for sure," Craig said.

Lee jumped out of his seat, startling Harry in the process, "yeah it could be..." He pointed at a group of guys passing, "one of them maybe. It could be the guy picking his nose or the guy with chocolate all around his mouth."

"Oh yey, get me to Sickbay now," Triah muttered sarcastically.

"The last two would give her more things to do," Craig commented. Triah glared at him.

Harry groaned, "it'll be for the best if you find out. Imagine the relief when you find out it's none of these freaks."

Daniel raised his eyebrow, "you can talk chip pan head."

"Hey, shut up bleach hair," Harry grumbled.

"Ooh, original," Daniel muttered.

Triah stood up, "I'll do it but on one condition. If it's any of you, or those messy guys Lee mentioned, I'm murdering the lot of you." The guys all glanced nervously at Craig, he tried to look innocent. "That means you too Craig."

"But what about the kids Uncle Craig?" Craig pouted.

"Ok I'll just live up to my other promise," Triah said.

"What promise?" Craig asked.

"The one where I stop my son from getting a cousin, ever," Triah replied sweetly.

Craig's eyes widened, "you wouldn't."

"Oh I would," Triah said.

The Leda Sickbay:
"I don't get it," Nikki muttered.

"Um, how does your species have kids?" Naomi questioned.

Nikki narrowed her eyes, "it's an insult to ask."

"Oh sorry, is it the same as humans cos if it is you can get Kevin back by lying to him," Naomi said.

Nikki looked confused, "I don't know, I never asked about humans."

"But you're a nurse, shouldn't you know this stuff?" Naomi said. Nikki shook her head. "Fine forget it, this is good enough but you have to meet this guy and show him off to Kevin."

"Good idea," Nikki grinned. She typed a few things onto the computer. A few seconds later she looked up at Naomi, "he's sent me meeting co-ordinates."

"Great, tell me when and where and I'll do my part," Naomi said.

The Enterprise Sickbay:
Triah paced the office while all the guys there watched. "I can't believe I'm doing this, even drunk I wouldn't even look at them. This is stupid."

"Well then no worries," Craig said. She slapped his arm hard.

Doctor Jones sighed, "if you want the test you'll have to remain still for the scan."

Triah shook her head, "no no, I don't want to know."

"I thought we settled this," Craig muttered.

"I know, I'd rather I didn't know. There's no guy that I know who's good enough to be a father," Triah said.

"Charming," the three suspects muttered.

"Oh who are you kidding?" Triah snapped. The three guys glanced at each other nodding.

"So, no test?" Doctor Jones said.

"Obviously not," Craig said.

"Never, I'd rather raise a baby on my own than know," Triah said. She left the office.

"Great, my parents will still give me an earful for this," Harry grumbled. Everyone else stared at him.

Voyager, Transporter Room:
Kevin walked into the room, "hey transporter guy."

"My name is Harold," the guy muttered.

"Ok, really?" Kevin said.

"Yes, now where do you want to go?" Harold asked.

"New Manchester, anywhere there," Kevin replied.

"Um ok, new to Earth or transporters?" Harold questioned.

"New to this century, so both in a way," Kevin replied.

Harold looked confused, "um ok?"

Naomi rushed into the room, "hey Kevin, you're leaving now?"

Kevin turned to her, "yeah I am, what's up?"

"Nikki wanted me to deliver you a message," Naomi replied.

"Um ok, what is it?" Kevin asked.

"Something like 'you had your chance with me but you blew it. I'm going on a blind date with Alex, he's really nice unlike you.'," Naomi replied.

"Swell," Kevin muttered. "Wait, if it's a blind date how does she know he's nice?"

Naomi shrugged, "she met him online."

"I hope that means something else in the 24th Century," Kevin said.

"It means a chat room or something," Naomi said.

Kevin looked worried, "ohno, internet chat room?"

"Yeah, why?" Naomi questioned.

"She's in trouble, she did say she met him an hour ago when we talked, it could be anyone," Kevin replied.

"Well duh Kevin, she said we didn't know him," Naomi muttered.

Kevin groaned, "Naomi, if the chat room is the same as it is in my day you don't get any confirmation on who you're talking to. A person you're talking to could be an old psychotic man with a gun but can easily tell you he's a pretty blonde girl."

"Oh," Naomi said.

"Where are they meeting?" Kevin asked.

Naomi handed him a PADD, "there's the co-ordinates."

"This means nothing to me!" Kevin snapped at her.

"Geez, sorry," Naomi muttered.

"It'll mean something to me, give it here," Harold said. Kevin handed him the PADD. "Hmm, that's easy, I can transport you nearby. It's somebody's house so it can't be directly. This guy could be who he says he is."

"I don't think we should take the chance, beam me there," Kevin said. He stepped onto the transporter pad.

Naomi stood beside him, "me too."

"Energising," Harold said as he worked at his station. The two dematerialised.

Naomi and Kevin rematerialised nearby a large house which stood in the middle of a rundown area.

"Yuck, who'd want to live here?" Naomi muttered.

Kevin glanced around, "I knew it, this guy is up to no good."

"What, why?" Naomi questioned.

Kevin turned back to her, "nearby there's some houses that have been torn apart. This is obviously a Game Cube site."

"I'll ask again, who'd want to live here?" Naomi questioned.

"Someone up to no good. Luckily the sun's up. I doubt Nikki would just go up and knock on the door so he can't be a vamp," Kevin said. Naomi looked confused. "He would have had to come outside to get her in there."

"Oh," Naomi said.

Meanwhile inside the house:
Nikki was sitting on the sofa gagged, with her hands tied behind her back.

"No mother puppy would ever come here, it's puppy perfect," Eamon laughed.

"Um why?" Riker asked.

Eamon groaned, "I dunno bunny head, something about a puppy Game Cube."

Riker's eyes lit up, "this house has a Game Cube, I think I'll go play on it." He ran out of the room.

Eamon looked annoyed, "puppy idiot." He pulled out a communicator. "Eamon to Pegasus, we've got a puppy blonde girl called Nikki."

In: "For god's sake Eamon, if you stop swearing we'll understand you better."

"Sorry can't puppy help it," Eamon muttered.

Riker ran back into the room, "crap crap."

"What the pup, is there a puppy spider or something?" Eamon asked.

"No there's not a puppy sized spider, thank god," Riker replied. "Two people are outside the house."

"Puppy impossible!" Eamon snapped. He walked over to the window to look through a gap in the curtains. "Puppy hell you're right."

In: "Let's hope it's someone with a gun, you puppy idiots are puppy annoying me with your puppy swearing!"

Riker and Eamon ignored him. "Riker you go and puppy sort them puppy out," Eamon ordered.

"I outrank you, right?" Riker muttered.

Eamon laughed, "in your puppy dreams, now go." Riker ran out of the room.

In: "That's puppy it, I can't puppy take it anymore! It puppy wasn't as bad when it puppy was muted, the puppy cute words are just puppy annoying! How come the puppy most frequent word is made into puppy puppy, the less puppy used one is bunny, I want to be censored with puppy bunny!"

"Uh sir, you're starting to puppy annoy me now," Eamon muttered.

In: "I'm starting to puppy annoy you! What a puppy bunny head! Bunny, I'm puppy starting to act like you! I've only had you on my puppy crew for one puppy day, you drive me puppy crazy!"

Nikki and Eamon heard crashing and banging sounds over the intercom. "That would be a great puppy song," Eamon commented.

In: "Gah, this'll puppy shut you up!"

A loud banging noise startled them both. Eamon collapsed seconds later.

Riker suddenly came through the window, he landed right on top of Eamon's body. Kevin climbed through the broken window, Naomi was right behind him looking impressed.

"That I wasn't expecting," Naomi giggled.

Kevin spotted Nikki, he went over to untie her. "Yeah, I didn't know Damien was casted for the rest of the season."

"That I plan to change," Eamon said from the ground. He groaned, "Riker get the hell off of me!"

Riker did as he was told looking rather scared, that changed when he saw Naomi. "Hey babe, what do you say?"

"Nah, I wouldn't kiss anyone with a beard so no," Naomi replied.

"I shaved it once," Riker said.

Eamon stood up, "ah it's good to be in a guy again. It's always an ugly guy but then again I will never beat my old good looks."

"Uh," Kevin and Naomi said, confused.

Eamon ignored them, "I should have just shot myself. It would have been less painful than headbutting the console until I died."

"What console?" Riker asked.

"The one on the bridge, idiot!" Eamon snapped. He turned to the others. "Now I've got three hostages, excellent. Now all I need is information about what missions Voyager and co are on, then the fun can begin. Mwahahaha."

"The one who was Damien on the ship lost it, he must have killed himself and took over the puppy guy," Nikki said.

Eamon frowned, "for god's sake, that's writer's idea. She obviously thought it would be funny to use cute words instead of star signs to censor words."

"Actually it was pretty funny for a while," Nikki commented.

"Do you know what else is funny, you giving me all the information I want," Eamon, Damien rather, said.

"Do you even have a sense of humour?" Kevin asked.

"I think it's pretty obvious that I do, wise guy," Damien replied. He glanced at Riker, "tie them all up."

"He's freakishly strong sir," Riker stuttered.

Damien looked confused, "oh yeah the Slayer from the past, that's right. I barely ever see him around so it's hardly worth it. Just tie the girls up."

"Gladly sir," Riker said with a dirty look on his face.

"I was wondering why this episode was rated 12," Damien muttered.

"Yeah, it couldn't have been the overuse of the word puppy," Nikki giggled.

Riker got out some new rope, but before he could do anything Kevin knocked him out with his fist. He turned to Damien, "want me to help you get a better looking host?"

"Couldn't be that hard, no thanks. The only ones left are that annoying girl who swears too and the smart alacky ensigns," Damien replied.

"Ok then, this'll do for now," Kevin said, he knocked Damien out too. "Let's go."

"Shouldn't we hand them over to Starfleet?" Nikki asked.

"Remind me, who are they again?" Kevin replied.

"The guys in charge, right?" Naomi replied.

"Yep," Nikki nodded her head.

Kevin looked rather scared, "oh god, Naomi knew that. I'm so outta here." He rushed out of the room, the girls followed him.

In: "Frankee to Riker baby, Damien's dead. it looks like puppy murder, I bet it was that puppy Eamon. Hello? Hello? Oh bunny, why won't they stop censoring me? It's not funny!"

More crashing was heard over the intercom, nobody was around to hear it this time.


****THE END****

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