Mars & Venus

This episode was inspired by the film Miss Congeniality. Also the results of the pageant was decided by the visitors, so thanks to everyone who voted.
The songs Treat Me Like A Lady & Tuck Your Shirt In belongs to Zoe Birkett (Yasmin), & Holly Valance. The songs Sound of the Graveyard and Loopy Nut (Broken Wreck) are parodies of Sound of the Underground (Girls Aloud) and Whoop (Holly Valance), which were written by Marill and Raichu. Both are the old versions though.

Episode Synopsis
Lena, Jessie, Kiara, Yasmin, Nikki and Faye are tricked into an 'alien' beauty pageant to be taught how to be girly

Guest Stars
Jeff & Matt Hardy
Jenny Frost
Mss Dynamite
Kelly Rowland
Kylie Minogue

Written By
Marill & Vulpix

18th, 22nd & 26th December 2002

Episode Based In
January 2379


Some classroom that'll never be shown again:
Kiara, Naomi, Bryan and Yasmin were the only students behind the desks. Danny was, for some reason the teacher.

"Doctor Jones cannot teach today, he's had to deal with a medical emergency. I'll be teaching the class today," Danny said.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again, don't swap Janeway's coffee with decaf. Only Neelix can do that right," Doctor Jones said to Harry, who had burns all over his face.

"Uh huh," Harry muttered.

Back in the classroom:
"Oh god, it's Science," Naomi stuttered.

"What's wrong with Science?" Yasmin asked innocently.

"It's Biology.." Naomi muttered.

"Yeah that's boring, why can't we experiment with blood and guts?" Yasmin asked.

"Ok quieten down folks, I need to tell you what we're doing today," Danny said. She started writing something on the board. Kiara and Naomi rolled their eyes. Yasmin squinted her eyes a couple of times.

Naomi put her hand up, "I already know about this? Can I go now?"

"No, I knew when I had this lesson. I wasn't allowed to go," Danny replied.

"Knowing her she probably didn't want to go," Kiara whispered. Naomi nodded.

"What does it say?" Yasmin asked as she squinted her eyes again. "Six Massacres, ooh I like it."

"She doesn't know how to read," Bryan said.

"That explains it, massacres looks nothing like education," Danny said.

"I get it, I get it! We're doing sick education, people say killing is sick so.." Yasmin giggled.

"No we're not! I'm going to teach you how kids are made," Danny said with a grin.

"I don't want to learn about that, I want to know how to kill kids," Yasmin said angrily.

"Now that would be a better lesson," Kiara said.

Danny rolled her eyes. "Ok, I can start explaining now." She then started giving the lecture, but I think I'd better not write it. This a 12 rating... which is weird cos you get taught this stuff at 11.

Once Danny finished she said, "any questions?"

"Is there a sick bucket around here?" Yasmin muttered in disgust.

"No sorry," Danny replied.

"Fine, I'll just do it on Bryan," Yasmin said. Bryan's eyes widened, he went to sit in the next seat.

"My god, I never thought it would be taught like that. I feel sick," Kiara muttered.

"Yeah, Danny do everyone a favour. Don't teach anyone else," Naomi said.

"I'm a good teacher, I taught Jessie about this," Danny said with a grin.

"That makes me wonder how she's engaged with kids," Bryan said in disgust.

"She must of perfected the technique for graphic details," Naomi said.

Doctor Jones came in, he looked really annoyed all of a sudden. "Danny, what are you doing here? I asked you to come here to call the class off, not teach them that!"

"Shhhh, shut up," Danny muttered.

"Come on Danny, get out," Doctor Jones said angrily.

"Oh fine," Danny grumbled. She walked out.

The Enterprise Mess Hall:
Sandi was busy mixing some food together in a bowl. Steve was standing nearby.

"So you're the new girl, huh?" Steve said questioningly.

"I've been on the ship for over three months," Sandi muttered.

 "Yes but I haven't been in an episode for more than five months," Steve said.

"Fine, ok," Sandi said.

"So, what you doing?" Steve asked.

"Cooking," Sandi replied.

"I know but what are you cooking?" Steve asked.

"A number of things," Sandi replied.

"Like what?" Steve asked.

"Soup, casserole, mini cakes.." Sandi replied as she put a tray of small cakes on the side bench.

"Ooh, can I try one?" Steve asked as he reached out for a cake.

Tom and Harry came in. Harry's eyes widened, he quickly ducked bringing Tom down with him. Steve went flying over their heads and landed on top of a table. Everyone had their mouths wide open in shock as they glanced over at Sandi. She was cheerfully humming as she put icing on the cakes.

"Here I was thinking she was the only lady on the ship," Tom said.

"Tom face facts, there are no ladies. Just a group of tomboy girls, psycho girls, and a few just plain weird girls," Harry said.

"Hey," Tom said in his 'I have an idea' way.

"Yes James?" Harry said questioningly.

Tom looked confused, "what?"

"You're slow today aren't you, James says hey a lot so I called you James. Oh forget it," Harry muttered.

"I wasn't saying hey as in, 'hey I'm not gay', 'hey what's that supposed to mean', and 'hey get over here so I can kill you'. I was saying hey as in 'hey I have an idea'," Tom said.

"Just how many times did you say hey in that last line?" Harry asked.

"Come on Harry, I have a plan," Tom said.

"A plan about what?" Harry asked, sounding annoyed.

"A plan on how to relieve our boredom," Tom replied.

"We could go to duty," Harry said.

"Ok then, I should have said I have a plan on how to get some girls to act ladylike for once," Tom said.

"Why?" Harry said questioningly.

"Because if nothing happened in this episode it would turn out like Hunters, An Apple A Day or Phage," Tom said.

"Something did happen in Phage and An Apple A Day," Harry said.

"Oh I give up. I'll send you the invitation via computer," Tom grumbled. He left the room muttering to himself.

Janeway's Ready Room:
"You want to do what?" Kathryn said questioningly.

"I want to run a beauty pageant in the holodeck," Tom replied.

"But why?" Kathryn asked.

"Well I can't be the only one who's getting tired most of the female cast," Tom replied. Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "Not including you of course," Tom said nervously.

"Good. I do know what you mean though. The beauty pageant may teach some of the girls a few things," Kathryn said.

"Yeah but I can't have all of the girls who are tomboyish, just a few would be easier and less dangerous," Tom said.

"Just select about six or seven who you think is the worst, but don't put me in it." Kathryn said.

"Ok but there's one problem. How am I going to get them to go?" Tom asked.

"Don't worry, I already have a plan," Kathryn replied.

Later, the Conference Room:
"We're going undercover?" Lena repeated.

"Yes, supposedly there is a Softmicron in the contest and we need some girls to find it. There are lives at risk," Kathryn said.

"Cool, can I kill it? Please can I kill it?" Yasmin asked.

"If you're sure it's the Softmicron, but don't kill just anyone," Kathryn replied.

"Way to spoil my fun, b**ch," Yasmin grumbled. Kathryn didn't hear her.

"What kind of contest is it?" Jessie asked.

Kathryn looked nervous, "uh a beauty pageant."

All six of the girls stared at her, they all laughed. "Oh god you're killing me," Kiara laughed.

"Can I?" Yasmin asked. Kiara glared at her.

"No you can't, Aunt Yasmin," Kiara muttered angrily.

"Wait a minute, you want all six of us to go in a beauty pageant? Do you realise how embarrassing that will be?" Lena asked.

"Oh god, I'll have to wear girls clothes. I'll have to wear girls clothes!" Faye panicked.

"No way, I'm not wearing a dress. That's final," Jessie muttered.

"Dress? What's a dress?" Nikki asked.

"Just what I was wondering," Faye said.

"Ohno does this mean I'll have to put my hair up or something? I hate doing my hair," Kiara said.

"Oooh, I want my hair with red streaks in. It looks like I have blood in it then," Yasmin asked.

Kathryn was about to reply but Lena jumped in first. "Do it brown and red, I was thinking of dying my hair black again so I'll do yours."

"Good, Nikki dye your hair. We can't have any blondes," Jessie said.

"Hahaha, oh you're serious," Nikki muttered.

"Tom wants these girls to be ladylike, good luck," Kathryn said quietly.

Holodeck 2, Enterprise:
All six of the girls had been beamed into a building with another six, none of the wiser to where they really were. Kiara kept glancing at Lena and Yasmin, who both obviously went nuts with the red dye. Yasmin had brown hair with red streaks, yet Lena had black hair with red on the top.

"Lena.. what happened to you?" Kiara asked.

"Isn't it cool, it looks like her head is bleeding," Yasmin giggled.

"It feels like it is, damn this headache," Lena muttered.

Jessie came over to the three girls. "Please tell me that's dye."

"Yep it is, Yasmin hasn't attacked me with knives yet," Lena said.

"Ooh I just noticed, the word dye sounds like die," Yasmin said. The other girls glanced nervously at each other.

"Er.. yeah," Kiara said.

Faye and Nikki joined the others. "What is it with red dye? I saw another girl with red streaks in her hair," Faye said.

Right on cue the red and black head strolled over. "Hullo, my name is Jenna. All the girls here are so lovely, it's a real dilemma isn't it? All I think about is the poor losers, even when I'm..." the girl said.

"Ok we'll stop you there," Jessie said quickly.

"Doesn't that look like the girl you and James made fun of years ago?" Faye asked.

"We were drunk, ok," Jessie replied.

"Wait a minute, how is she in the pageant? She looks like her face was crushed by a door or something," Lena asked.

"So does hers," Faye said as she looked towards a much older girl.

"Hi there, I'm Kimberly," the girl said to a girl with dark hair.

"Er, hi I'm Lynsey," the girl said.

"Can I ask you something? Do you think my butt looks big in this?" Kimberly asked as she showed off her bum, which was only in shorts by the way.

Lynsey looked like she was about to throw up, "er it's fine. I'd better go over there now." She rushed off.

Some guy in his forties came onto a nearby stage with a microphone. "Hello girls, welcome to the pageant. By looking around the room now I can tell it's going to be a tough competition. Now we have six guys who have been volunteered to look after two girls each.. but first let's introduce the judges."

Faye, Jessie, Lena and Kiara's eyes widened when the judges came onto the stage. The writers, Kevin and Tom had all the joined the guy on the stage.

"Hey, what is this? I thought this was an alien pageant!" Lena yelled.

Tom looked nervous, "they've already joined it right?"

"Yep," the guy replied.

"Good. We had to trick you into this pageant, you'll thank us one day," Tom said. He got ready to duck afterwards.

"Yasmin, go kill," Lena said.

Yasmin's eyes widened and she charged for the stage. Tom screamed and ran away with Yasmin not far behind him.

"Anyway, um.. these are judges; Kevin, Marill, Raichu, Firera, Vulpix and Charizard. Strange names, how did you get them?" the guy asked.

"Just one word, Pokémon," Raichu replied.

"Uh yes, tell me.. are you nuts?" the guy asked.

"We're the writers, of course we are," Marill muttered.

"Yes of course," the guy said.

"Wait one second? They're the judges for a beauty pageant yet some aren't even lookers themselves," Nikki said.

"Ah hem, Charizard," Firera coughed as she innocently pointed at Charizard.

"Hey, I am so not ugly," Charizard moaned.

"Wait a minute, what did she just say about me?" Raichu asked.

Vulpix shrugged as she tossed a notepad over her shoulder. "I dunno, I'm not writing it."

"Marill, can't you stick to insulting yourself?" Raichu asked.

"That wasn't an insult and I didn't write it," Marill replied.

Lena yawned, "oh god let's get out of here."

The others nodded in agreement, they all started to head out. "You can't go until we let you. The holodeck won't respond to any of your commands," Kevin said.

"Maybe if we flirt with him we can get out," Nikki said.

"Nah, I'd rather do the pageant. I've done enough flirting for this season," Jessie said.

"It wouldn't work anyway, I don't have access either. Wait a minute, why don't I have access to this place?" Kevin asked as Tom came back onto the stage.

"Because a few hours ago you didn't know what a holodeck was. Oh and you'd be easily bribed by girls," Tom replied.

"Speaking of girls," Kevin said. He went over to Vulpix and Raichu. "Hey how you two doing?"

Raichu glared at Vulpix, "why did you create this guy?"

"It seemed a good idea at the time," Vulpix replied.

"Every idea of yours seems good at the time, if you're lucky," Raichu grumbled.

Firera folded her arms. "So, you have a Joey in the cast now? Isn't Craig bad enough?"

Craig appeared out of nowhere looking upset, "hey.. that was mean."

"Hmm, I've still got it," Firera said and she grinned.


End of Part I

Part II

The twelve girls had all paired off, and were with a volunteered guy. Most of those guys didn't look very happy.

"This is so not funny, I bet it was Tom's idea," Lena muttered.

"Of course it was," James said.

"I tried to kill him but he was too fast," Yasmin moaned.

Lena patted her on the arm, "there there."

Meanwhile Faye was standing next to Jessie. "I can't believe it, there is a piece of clothing that actually shows off your legs. It's rather worrying," Faye said.

"Tell me about it. What's worse is we get Ashley for an assistant when my future sister in laws get my boyfriend as one," Jessie said.

"This is not fair, I don't even like you two," Ashley grumbled.

"Shame, I like you," Faye said.

"Really? Ok, I like you," Ashley said. Jessie rolled her eyes.

Kiara and Nikki were both standing next to Bryan. "I take it your dad dragged you into this then," Kiara said.

"Yeah.. at times like this I hate my dad," Bryan said.

"Aaaw, I like your dad. I think he's hot," Nikki said. Kiara and Bryan glanced at her with identical disgusted looks on their faces.

"You're one odd girl, you realise that?" Kiara muttered.

"Thank you," Nikki said.

Tom & Kevin came into the room. "Ok people, we need all the girls dressed up. The beginning of the pageant is in fifteen minutes!"

The six main cast girls glared icily at Tom, he tried not to notice. "Look Tom, we're not wearing dresses, skirts or.." Lena started to say.

"High heels, I know. But what you don't know is that if you refuse to take part, I won't let you out," Tom said.

"I wasn't going to say high heels, I was going to say bikinis," Lena said.

"That's it, I'm gone," Yasmin muttered.

"No Yasmin it's ok. There's no bikini contest," Tom said.

"Shame," Kevin muttered.

"Pervert," Jessie said.

"Anyway, assistants get the outfits for the girls from the writers in the next room. I'll be back when we're ready to start," Tom said. He and Kevin left the room.

Bryan, James, Ashley and the nameless crewmembers looked nervous as they went into the next room.

Five broken noses, two attempted murders and twelve kicks in the sensitive area later:
All twelve girls were dressed in modern dresses, some had long skirts and a skimpy top on instead. Doctor Jones finished treating the last assistant.

"I think I'd better stay here," Doctor Jones muttered.

"I can't believe I agreed to this. I look like a slut," Faye said.

"No change there then," Ashley sniggered. Faye punched him in the face. Doctor Jones groaned and treated him.

"Actually this top isn't so bad," Lena said.

"I'm not wearing this dress," Jessie grumbled.

"I think you are," Bryan said quietly.

"Hey, I can attract some nice guys with this dri.. dress. Did I get that right?" Nikki said. Everyone ignored her.

"Could this thing be any longer, I'm going to trip," Kiara said.

"This bloody thing is cold, also I can't run after people with this thing around me," Yasmin moaned.

"Has the writer you tried to murder been treated yet?" Kiara asked Yasmin.

Doctor Jones looked panicked, "uhoh. I'm going to get thrown out of the cast if I don't hurry." He ran out.

"Uh, doc.. my nose!" Ashley moaned.

"Why's he bothering, Charizard isn't even a writer anymore. He can't get rid of Doctor Jones," Lena said.

"What did he say to you anyway?" Kiara asked.

"He said he could tell I was related to Lena cos of the size of my.." Yasmin replied.

"What!?" Lena yelled.

"Ok, he's definitely dead," James said. Everyone nodded.

"I'm going to kill that kid," Lena growled.

"It's not so bad, he might of said gob," Jessie said.

"It's Charizard, I think the first thing I thought of is the right one," Lena said.

Tom and Kevin came back in. "Ok pageant time people."

"Wow, there some cuties here," Kevin said in his usual manner.

All of the main cast groaned. The female guest stars all giggled.

Tom ignored him, "right. The intro song is Treat Me Like A Lady, I thought it was appropriate."

Yasmin perked up, "I rewrote it, can I do that one!"

Tom looked worried, "no. And just because your actress sings it doesn't mean you sing all of the vocals."

"I don't want to, I want to sing my lyrics," Yasmin moaned.

"Um.. girls plan out who sings which bit," Tom said as he handed a CD to one of them. "We'll be on in five minutes." He and Kevin rushed back out.

"I think we should do Yasmin's version," Lena said quickly. Yasmin grinned.

"Hang on, it can't be that bad," Jessie said. She put the CD in a convenient CD Player, the song started to play.

"Anyone got any lyrics?" Kiara asked.

Yasmin held up a PADD with a maniacal grin on her face. "No, the proper lyrics," Faye muttered.

"Aaaaw," Yasmin moaned.

"Hang on, are all of us supposed to sing?" Nikki asked.

The main girls glanced at the guest star girls. "No," the others quickly replied.

"Oh come on, my actress is a good singer with a butt that won't quit," Kimberly said.

"I wish it would," Lynsey muttered.

"I know Lynsey can sing, Kimberly can't.." Lena said.

Jenna put her hand up, "I can!"

"Uh.. flashbacks of previous episode," Lena stuttered.

A girl with dark hair put her hand up, "I'm Naomi, and I can listen. Miss Dynamiteeeeheeeeeeee!" Everyone covered their ears, windows broke, glasses broke and ones that didn't get a chance fell onto the ground screaming.

"Ugh, they say that girl has talent. They must never have seen talent before," Nikki said.

A girl with now green hair put her hand up, "Hi I'm Alex, I can sing too." She started to sing, luckily some people were rather deaf after the previous attempt.

"I may be corrupted by Naomi's singing, but didn't she have red hair a few minutes ago?" Faye asked.

The last girl stepped up, "Hi I'm Donna and.."

"No, don't bother," Lena quickly said.

"Well at least all of the main cast girls, except Kiara can sing so.." Faye said.

"Hey!" Kiara moaned.

"Face facts Kiara, you're rubbish," Faye said.

"At least people have heard of my actress!" Kiara yelled.

"Ok, break it up. Yasmin, Jessie, Nikki, Faye and I are singing main vocals. One verse each, ok," Lena said.

"There's only three, I think the last one's a verse," Yasmin muttered.

"Fine, verse or a bridge each," Lena said angrily.

More song discussion and arguments later:
Tom was standing on a huge stage in front of the rest of the crew. Kevin and the writers were near the front. Marill & Vulpix were rather hyper so they kept throwing things at Tom.

"Stop that, I'm trying to be the host," Tom moaned.

"You can try but you can't do it," Marill laughed.

"I'd like to see you try," Tom grumbled.

Marill looked nervous, "make Vulpix do it."

"Oh yeah, I'll be the host!" Vulpix giggled as she stood up.

"I don't think so, there's hundreds of people. That's too many people to get on the bad side of," Tom said. Vulpix glared at Tom, she threw a heavy object at him. He ducked just in time. "See, she's starting already."

Vulpix fell back into her seat, not a happy chappie. She snatched the notepad off Marill who was giggling like mad.

"I was only teasing to get back at people," Vulpix moaned.

"Leave the getting back at people to the king of getting back at people," Raichu whispered.

"That's no fun," Vulpix grumbled.

"Anyway um, welcome to the first and probably last Voyager and Enterprise Beauty Pageant. Let's introduce the judges. Judge 1 is the better version of Craig.. Kevin Clarke. Judge 2 is one of the quitter writers, Firera.." Tom ducked again as a glass bottle was thrown at him.

"I'm not a quitter, I just happen to have a life now," Firera said.

"Hey," Raichu, Marill and Vulpix moaned.

"Just kidding," Firera muttered.

"Judge 3 is the second quitter writer with the disgusting mind, Charizard. Judge 4 is the boss of the insanity that is Fifth Voyager, Marill. Judge 5 is the not very good peacemaker, Raichu.." Tom ducked again, but nothing was thrown.

"I can keep peace, why do you think Vulpix hasn't set foot on a forum for over a week," Raichu said.

"She threatened me with a knife," Vulpix muttered.

"And lastly Judge 6 is the big mouth that'll probably ruin the whole Fifth Voyager fanbase, Vulpix," Tom said.

"Why would I do that, I just tease people who bad mouth us," Vulpix muttered.

"I'd better shut up then.. well about you lot anyway. Now let's introduce the girls!" Tom said loudly into the microphone.

All twelve of the girls came onto the stage, most didn't look too happy about it. All of them performed the song Treat Me Like A Lady. Well five of the guest stars were banned from singing, so they just danced.

"All visitor votes have been put into account now, it's all to do with looks and who has the biggest celebrity fanbase. But of course the guest stars weren't part of the vote so they're going to be put in the order of popularity. Anyway right now I can announce the final six!" Tom yelled.

"Finally.. I can get out of this outfit," Jessie said.

"Ok, girls.. can we settle it down. Ok, I'm going to announce the six girls in no particular order," Tom said.

"I'm going to win, have you seen my butt?" Kimberly boasted.

"Yeah unfortunately," Yasmin groaned.

"I'm going to win for sure, it must be my looks that got Dilemma to number 1," Jenna said.

"I don't think it had anything to do with her," Lena whispered.

"Ok, girl number one is.... Kimberly?" Tom said as he read off a card.

Kimberly gasped, she went over to stand next to Tom. "Thank you to all of the men who voted."

"Nobody voted, you only got in cos you're around too much so obviously you would get a lot of votes," Tom said.

"Oh who cares," Kimberly said.

"How did she win with that face?" Jessie asked. The others shrugged.

"Girl number 2 is.... Naomi?" Tom said. He turned to the writers. "This can't be right. Neither of these can sing very well and they're not good looking."

"I know, it's annoying isn't it. If I tried in the music business I wouldn't get anywhere," Marill said.

"Oh come on, I think they're better looking than you are," Charizard said.

"That's what I meant, oh forget it," Marill muttered.

"Girl number 3 is.... Jenna. Now moving onto the main cast," Tom said. Somebody came over and passed him another card. "We have a problem folks. It's a tie between Jessie and Kiara, so we'll just have to name two more for now.." Tom said.

Jessie and Kiara glanced at each other. "I don't want to win, I'll do badly," Jessie said.

"No, I'm going to lose.. not you," Kiara said.

"No I can lose better than you," Jessie said.

"Ooh, the competition is heating up back here," Tom said sarcastically. He glanced at the card again. "Girl number 4 is.... Yasmin?"

Yasmin glanced around, she looked worried. "I have fans? I'm just new to the cast."

"No it's actors fanbase," Tom whispered when she came over.

"Oh, I knew that Faye wasn't in a band so I was wondering what she was on before," Yasmin said.

"I was in a band," Faye moaned. Lena patted her on the shoulder.

"Girl number 5 is.... Faye?" Tom said. He threw the card onto the floor. "I wasn't expecting that."

Faye fainted onto the floor. Everyone turned to look at her. "I don't think she was either," Lena said.

"I thought that since whenever we mention Faye's actress to anyone, they never know who she is, she wouldn't get that many votes," Firera said.

"Maybe they like her character, even though she is based on Marill," Raichu said. The writers glanced over at Marill who was playing on a Game Boy.

"Yes! I got a fourth Marill!" Marill yelled. Everyone turned to look at her instead.

"Nah," the other writers muttered.

Faye finally woke up, she joined Yasmin and the other finalists. Lena and Nikki left the stage looking rather relieved.

"Ok, to help us with this tie we're going to bring up our judges," Tom said. All of the judges came onto the stage. "So, one at a time, who do you think should win."

"We're girls, we shouldn't really.." Vulpix said.

"Stop annoying all the girls who voted Vulpix," Marill grumbled.

"Damn it, I don't annoy people on purpose all the time!" Vulpix grumbled.

"It's ok for girls to vote, it is based on fan bases and characters as well as looks," Tom said.

"Damn it.. Kiara isn't going to win," Jessie said. Kiara looked shocked as she turned to Jessie.

"What's wrong with my fanbase?" Kiara asked.

"No, I was talking about your character," Jessie replied.

"Fine with me," Kiara muttered.

"What am I saying?" Jessie said in a panicked tone.

"We'll go alphabetically. Charizard, without any sick remarks, who should win out of these two?" Tom asked.

"I don't comment in a sick way all the time," Charizard muttered. The rest of the writers tried not to laugh. "I think Kiara."

"Thanks Charizard," Jessie said. Kiara glared at him.

"It was a compliment to Kiara, this is confusing," Charizard muttered.

"Firera, who do you think?" Tom asked.

"Kiara too," Firera replied.

"This is good, I can't wait to get out of this dress," Jessie said.

"I bet there's several guys who can't wait either," Charizard sniggered. Firera smacked him.

"Kevin, who should win?" Tom asked.

"Jessie, she's hot," Kevin replied.

Jessie rolled her eyes, "no one else vote."

"Marill?" Tom said questioningly.

"I dunno, Kiara's one of my older characters but I have to say Jessie," Marill said.

"Damn it! You did that so I had a chance at winning!" Jessie yelled.

"No I didn't," Marill said innocently.

"Raichu?" Tom said questioningly.

"Jessie's one of my favourites, so I have to say her," Raichu said.

Jessie growled, "this is annoying me."

"Hehehe," Kiara giggled.

"Vulpix, it's all on you," Tom said.

"You did it in this order so I'd annoy everyone by getting another tie. It ain't going to happen, Jessie's going to win. I like her better anyway," Vulpix said.

"Vulpix is smart, I'll give her that," Tom said.

"Damn you Tom, I'll kill you!" Jessie yelled.

"Later dear, you can't move fast in that dress," Tom said.

"I'll show you that you're wrong, come here!" Jessie yelled. She tried to walk over to him but she couldn't move that well.

"Hahaha, I lost. I can dress like a tomboy again. See ya Jessie," Kiara said and she went off the stage.

"Ok, our six finalists will now show everyone their talents. You'll vote for your favourite one after all have done theirs," Tom said. He turned to Kevin. "Doesn't matter, the readers have decided the whole thing, well except the tie thing."

"So what's the point in doing the talent thing and dressing them up?" Kevin asked.

"Uh.. to hopefully teach the girls to be ladylike. This is the whole point of the pageant," Tom groaned.

"Oh yeah," Kevin said.

A little while later:
Kimberly had just finished trying to dance and show off her bum as much as possible. Naomi came on next. "Hi all, as you know I'm so talented. So it was hard to choose a talent to show you. I have decided to sing my favourite song."

"Ohno, ear plugs everyone," Marill said through a mini microphone. Everyone quickly put earplugs in.

After about three minutes of torture, the ear plugs didn't work of course, Yasmin came on. "Ok, for my talent I'm going to kill as many people as I can in a certain time..."

Tom rushed onto the stage, "you can't do that. Just do a dance or something." He rushed back off.

"Damn it, I knew I should have lied," Yasmin muttered. She started to do a dance, but she got bored quickly. "Oh screw this.." and she walked off the stage.

Faye came on next looking really nervous. "Um, I'm going to do a dance.. but no, I'm not going to dance." She pulled out three puppy in my pockets, "these are."

"Is she right in the head?" Raichu asked.

"I'll answer that question by saying, Marill used to do it," Firera said.

Marill went red, "it was fun. I couldn't dance myself, I can a bit now."

"Yeah whatever," Vulpix muttered.

Faye knelt down in front of a conveniently placed table, she held all three puppies. She made them dance to a song, can't be bothered to think up one. When she finished she ran off the stage. Jessie came on next.

"Ok, all the other talents were pretty dull so I'm going to spice things up. Can I have Tom come on the stage please?" Jessie asked.

Tom looked nervous as he came onto the stage. "You're still wearing the dress, you can't do your talent of beating me up. It's against the rules too."

"Oh I'm not going to break the rules. Ok everyone, please welcome my boyfriend James," Jessie said.

James came onto the stage, Tom didn't look too chuffed. "Ohno, that won't be your talent Jess. That would be his, his one and only."

"See it's working already," Jessie said with a grin on her face.

"What is?" Tom asked.

"My talent is getting Tom to annoy James so much he'll get knocked unconscious. Bonus points should be awarded if he can get him to go evil," Jessie replied.

"Uhoh," Tom muttered.

"Ok, attempt number one, there will be no need for number 2," Jessie said. She went over to James and they both started kissing.

Quite a lot of people in the audience went, "ooooooh!"

"That doesn't help, stop it," Tom muttered to the audience. He turned back to Jessie and James. "Damn, must hold myself back. I can't take it anymore. Quit it you bunnies!"

James and Jessie stopped what they were doing. "Bunnies?" James said questioningly.

"Yes, I've told you before. You're rabbits, if I didn't stop you two god knows what would of happened," Tom said. He then slapped his own forehead, "why did I say that?"

"Ok, is that all you've got," Jessie said.

"No.. I mean yes.. oh," Tom muttered.

"Didn't you tell Lena that she was gay?" Jessie asked.

"Yes I did, I think the whole family's gay.. ah crap!" Tom replied. James pushed him to the ground and started to beat him up.

"And there we go, that was attempt two everybody," Jessie said. The audience clapped, some even cheered. Obviously a lot of people don't like Tom right now.

James stood back up and went over to Jessie. They both left the stage.

Five minutes later:
Doctor Jones finished treating Tom. He rushed back onto stage.

"Ok sorry about that. Now this time we're going to get rid of three of the girls. You've had plenty of time to vote so here we go. First girl to get through to final.... Jessie. Ah nuts," Tom said.

Jessie came onto the stage, she stuck her tongue out at Tom.

"Girl number two.... Yasmin? After that performance?" Tom said.

Yasmin came onto the stage, "maybe they want to be killed after all."

"God I hope not. Girl number three.... Faye," Tom said.

Faye came slowly onto the stage, she tripped over and fell on her face. She pulled herself onto her feet, she went over to stand beside Yasmin and Jessie.

"Ok, for the final round the girls have to sing a chosen song. That's probably why Naomi got voted off, ey folks?" Tom said. Everyone sighed in relief. "Which songs are you girls going to sing?"

"One of the songs James and I wrote back in college, Loopy Nut," Jessie replied.

"Oh sounds nice," Tom said, not sounding too sure.

"Sound of the Graveyard, my first song," Yasmin said.

"Sounds even nicer," Tom said sarcastically.

"Mine's not a cover or a parody, it's called Tuck Your Shirt In," Faye said.

"Sounds great. Once again, we're going alphabetically but backwards.. so Yasmin off you go," Tom said. He got off the stage, Jessie and Faye went to the back microphones.

Yasmin had her huge grin on her face as she fiddled with the microphone stand. "Pulse will be releasing this as a single soon, so no one steal." The music started. "Moonlight shines still the night is dark. Hands are thumping on the crypt doors. Their neighbours banging on the coffin walls. You see em climb out the graves, you gotta let em go."

Next up was Jessie. The music started, "So there you are boy, we can tell by just your look you cracked. Do you wanna surrender cos I think you're just a waste of time. Time is running out, tomorrow's another lie. We don't want you nearby, here's why... here's why."

Finally it was Faye's turn. She started to sing Tuck Your Shirt In (I don't have the lyrics for that).

After all the songs Tom came back on the stage. "Now it's time to start voting for the winner. You have five minutes."

Lena was sitting next to Kiara and Nikki, all were still in their pageant outfits. Craig came over to the girls looking really shocked.

"Wow, you're still dressed up?" Craig asked.

"I'm going to get some guys with this on," Nikki said. She walked away.

"Yeah I think I will get changed," Kiara muttered. She walked off too.

"Well Lena, you look gorgeous. Not that you don't always look gorgeous," Craig said.

"Craig shut up," Lena muttered.

"No really, you suit it," Craig said.

"Tough, I'm not wearing this kind of thing all the time," Lena said.

"Fair enough, you still look great in your normal stuff," Craig said.

Lena laughed as she shook her head. "You think I'm gorgeous, you want to date me. You want to hold me, you want to kiss me," Lena said in a playful tone. She laughed again.

"You think it's a joke, well here's something. Yeah I do want to do all that," Craig said.

Lena raised her eyebrow, "you worry me sometimes."

"What, why?" Craig said questioningly.

"Because I don't feel the same as you feel about me, you get your hopes up too much," Lena said.

"Yeah I know. You think I'm a freak, you want to get rid of me. You want to push me away, you want to.." Craig said in his own playful tone. Lena interrupted him by kissing him briefly. "Uh, why did you do that? Didn't you just say?"

"I did.. but I did say months ago we could give it another try. Remember?" Lena replied.

"I do remember but you said more recently that it was over," Craig said.

"Look, do you want to get back together or do you want to argue and may not get anything?" Lena asked.

"Get back together, you're just confusing me," Craig said.

"I do that a lot," Lena said.

Back to the pageant:
"Now we have the results. Coming in third place is.. Jessie," Tom said.

Jessie shrugged, "definitely a popularity contest." She left the stage.

"Hey," Faye moaned. Yasmin shrugged too.

"And now let's announce the winner. Now the results have certainly proven me wrong about the girl's actress. I didn't think either would win. Yasmin's is only a newcomer and was on Pop Idol yonks ago. We all know that is dying down now. Faye's is a singer that is hardly ever spoke of.. well at least in England, and she went on a reality TV show, we all know that celebrities do that to get popular. Now, I know.. these two actors fans are going to hate me for suspending the wait and insulting the actors a little. Now, the winner.." Tom said.

"Just get on with it!" Marill yelled.

"You already know the results, the results were sent to your email address," Tom said. Everyone in the audience gasped. "Oops, ok all of that voting you guys did was for nothing I admit. But it was still a good show to watch."

Everyone started throwing things at him, including glass bottles. "Hey, I'm not Hear'say... stop throwing bottles at me!"

"Get on with it!" Raichu yelled.

"Fine, the winner is..." Tom said. He looked around as a drumroll went around the entire room. "Faye!"

Faye fainted again, Yasmin glanced down at her. She shook her head. "Geeze, it's not that bad."

"I should have known that would happen," Tom muttered.

A few minutes later Faye came into consciousness. "I won? Woah.." she muttered.

"Yep you did, unbelievable huh? Your prize is er... knowing that even though you're the character who's in the least, your actress has a high fanbase," Tom said.

"There's no prize? Yeesh, you could at least give out lots of Cherry Coke," Faye said.

"Yes, I'll give you a year's supply. Knowing you it'll only last a few weeks," Tom said.

"Give me my version of a year's supply," Faye said.

"I can't.. just take my version of a years supply or you get nothing," Tom said.

"Fine.. but you've got to let the other girls beat you up for putting them through this," Faye said.

"I didn't agree to that," Tom stuttered.

"Oh yeah, this is going to be fun," Yasmin said. The other girls came onto the stage and they all chased Tom off the stage.

The next day, Enterprise:
"I can't believe he said the whole family was gay," James said.

"Yeah, don't think about it. We don't want you to turn evil or anything," Jessie said jokingly.

"No, I think I've calmed down from the whole Games Matrix experience," James said as he stood up. He turned around to look out of the window.

"Well that's good," Jessie said.

"No.. no.." James stuttered as he watched Voyager from the window.

"What?" Jessie asked.

"Get the hell off my sister!" James yelled, loud enough for Voyager to hear (if there was no space in between of course). He ran out of the room.

Jessie turned around to look out the window. "Oh crap." She rushed out too.

Will Kevin ever stop ogling and chatting up girls? How long will Lena and Craig be together this time? Speaking of which will Craig survive when James gets to him? Did Nikki get any guys with that outfit on? Stupid question. And why didn't Sandi get chosen for the contest since she started the whole idea off?
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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