(Parts 1 & 2)

This episode was created when I was listening to Lollipop Candyman (Aqua song btw). The episode has changed quite a bit, so you'll be left wondering why I got the idea for this episode from a song that compares people to sweets (don't ask) ^_^
Anyway the song Barbie Girl belongs to Aqua, the Cheeky Song sort of belongs to The Cheeky Girls (non Uk visitors may not have heard of them, but never mind), The Ketchup Song belongs to Las Ketchup, oh and the song Dilemma belongs in all trash cans, bonfires and in the middle of my street.

Episode Synopsis
Kiara decides to get her family's attention by causing chaos with her Q powers. But when she creates her version of a perfect world on a previously uninhabited planet, she decides to stay there when both ships leave

Special Guest Stars
Rachel Weisz as Older Sasha
Jeri Ryan as Annika

Guest Stars
Christina Aguilera
Simon Cowell
Kelly Rowland

Written By
Marill & Vulpix

2nd December 2002

Episode Based In
Christmas 2378


Enterprise, the Mess Hall:
The entire room smelt really Christmassy, but compared to Voyager's Mess Hall it smelt like heaven. Of course that doesn't take much.

"Who's cooking, that smells really good?" Bryan asked.

"The new girl, she's trying to be the new permanent chef," Naomi replied.

"What is this, Chef Idol?" Kiara said questioningly.

"Yes it is actually," Naomi replied as she pointed at a sign saying Chef Idol.

Some guy with trousers pulled up to his armpits went over to the kitchen. "The last one didn't blow me away, he lacked talent. So what tripe have you prepared for me?" An unknown crewmember overheard, he burst into tears before running out of the room.

Sandi smiled sweetly, she pushed forward a piece of Christmas cake.

"It's Christmas cake, Mr Cowell," Sandi said.

Cowell tried some of the cake, he seemed impressed.. which was a rare sight. "This is good, it's blowing me away. But you won't win this competition, you're too tarty."

"Um, but you made all the other contestants cry so they quit. I'm the last one," Sandi said.

"Oh buggar, fine you win," Cowell muttered. He tried to pull his pants further up before storming out of the room, passing Yasmin as he did. Yasmin stopped looking rather freaked out.

"Was that Simon Cowell?" Yasmin asked.

"I think it's hard to miss the pants, Yas," Bryan replied.

"Ok," Yasmin said cheerfully. She picked up a knife and she went back towards the door.

"Um, Yasmin.. what are you doing? He was nice to your actress wasn't he?" Kiara asked.

"Yeah so? I want to get him back for saying I lacked what it takes to be a Murder Idol," Yasmin replied. She then left the room, still with the knife.

"My god, if she didn't win, who did?" Kiara asked.

Lena rushed into the room, she looked around then she ran over to James' table. "What, what's going on?"

"Lena, why the hell did I win Murder Idol? I didn't even audition for it," James asked.

Lena collapsed onto the floor, she quickly pulled herself back up. "Is that it? I thought someone was dying or something."

Yasmin walked over with a grin on her face, "someone is now."

"Hmm, Simon Cowell is either a bad judge or he's sexist. Yasmin should have won that," Bryan said.

"Ok, so how much of this reality idol stuff is there?" Kiara asked.

"I dunno, it's nearly Christmas so it's all gone a bit nuts. I heard about my dad winning the Rumour Spreader Idol and the Janeway Impersonator Idol awards," Bryan replied.

"Whatever, I've got a date to go to," Naomi muttered as she stood up.

"A date, with who?" Bryan asked.

"Oh, no one you know. See ya later," Naomi replied. She walked out of the room.

Kiara rolled her eyes, "typical."

"What's typical?" Bryan said as he took a bite out of a cake.

"Naomi. She always has it better than me," Kiara muttered.

"Really, give me an example," Bryan said.

Kiara rolled her eyes again, "I may as well write a list."

"Don't, I can't be bothered to read," Bryan said.

"Fine... everyone thinks she's a normal teenager, but they all think I'm just a kid. That makes it easy for Naomi to make more friends and get boyfriends..." Kiara said.

"Hang on, wait a minute. You want a boyfriend?" Bryan asked.

"I didn't say that," Kiara said.

"Yeah, but this is what this is all about isn't it? You think all the guys are scared off cos you're only five or six," Bryan said.

"I don't care, besides.. you're not scared off," Kiara said.

"Yeah that's because I'm younger than you," Bryan said as he flicked cake crumbs. Kiara watched him with a raised eyebrow.

"How could I forget," Kiara muttered.

Lena and James came over to the table. Lena had a piece of Sandi's Christmas cake. "Hi Kiara," she said as she put a piece of cake in her mouth.

"I think.. I'll add to my list that my mum is so young, she could steal any of my boyfriends off me," Kiara said quietly.

Lena pulled a disgusted face, "no thanks Kiara, Bryan's not my type."

Kiara's mouth widened in shock. She heard Bryan laughing so she turned to look at him again. He quickly covered his mouth to stop himself laughing. Kiara then looked up at James who was trying his best not to look like he was laughing too. Kiara groaned, she stood up and she stormed over to the main door. "Boys, who needs them," she muttered under her breath.

"Why's Kiara in a bad mood then?" Lena asked.

"I doubt it has anything to do with being called Tom's son's girlfriend," James replied.

"Hey, that's mean. She'd be very lucky to have me," Bryan moaned.

"Uh huh, you're only seven or so months older than my oldest kid," James said.

Bryan pouted, he folded his arms. "Well... I look 17 ok!"

Lena shook her head, "ok James, leave the little baby alone. Tom won't be too happy."

Bryan's lip started to wobble making his pout looked even more pathetic. "I'm so glad Kiara's not my girlfriend. There'd probably be the usual Janeway trait where the girls get married when drunk.. and then you two would be my inlaws," Bryan said. He stood up and stormed out too.

Lena and James glanced at each other looking really worried. "Kiara would be Tom's daughter in law, right? What would that make you and me?" Lena asked.

"We'd better not imagine it, we'll have nightmares tonight," James replied.

Tom came into the room wearing a wig very similar to Janeway's first hairstyle, putting his hands on his hips. "I'm Captain Janeway, get me a coffee!"

"Oh, too late," Lena stuttered.

"Ah hem," a familiar voice coughed from behind Tom.

"Ah crap," Tom muttered. He ran out of the room with Kathryn in hot pursuit.

Later, Enterprise Bridge:
Jessie was working, if you call it working, at the Tactical station. Sasha was lying on her knee holding a bottle. Lena was sitting in her chair, looking rather uneasy. Tom was in the first officers chair, constantly glancing over his shoulder. Triah was in her usual spot at opps. Bryan was still pouting at the helm.

Kevin strolled onto the Bridge, he looked around and spotted Jessie. He went over to her, then leaned casually on the console. "Hey, how you doing?"

"Is that all you ever say?" Jessie asked.

"It works, don't knock it," Kevin replied.

"If you say so," Jessie said.

Kevin then caught sight of Sasha and he backed away. "Oh my god."

"What.. oh, so what if I give my kid Diet Cherry Coke.." Jessie started to say.

"Oh so it is your kid, oh damn it. I'd better move on," Kevin grumbled. He looked around the room.

"What do you mean by move on?" Jessie asked.

"Well it's obvious, I don't go for the girls with kids," Kevin replied. Jessie shook her head, she continued with her 'work'.

Kevin went over to Lena, he sat down beside her and leaned on the side of the chair. "Hey, how you doing?"

Lena glanced back and forth before turning to him. "Um, I'm fine."

"Oh my god! It doesn't work anymore!" Kevin screamed hysterically.

He rushed over to Triah and managed to look calm again, "hey how you doing?" Triah giggled, she covered her face to hide her blushing cheeks. He turned back to Lena. "Oh don't scare me like that, you must be gay or something."

Tom swallowed hard, "let's just hope Lena's not like her brother when it comes to being called gay."

"What.. did you say?" Lena asked slowly.

"Well you're obviously a les..." Kevin replied. Lena jumped onto him and started to beat him up.

"Yep, similar response," Tom said.

Bryan turned to his dad, "oh.. I get it. She said I wasn't her type as a joke. Now I know what she really meant." Lena stopped what she was doing with Kevin. She glanced up at Bryan looking really angry. Bryan cowered, "did I say that out loud?"

Tom looked really nervous, "um, that sounds about right." He closed his eyes as he waited for the obvious beating of a lifetime.

Everyone turned to watch the Captain and First Officer fight. Well it was more like the Captain totally beating the snot out of the First Officer actually.

"God, this is more fun to watch than the Janeway and Chakotay fights," Triah said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Kiara was sitting in her bedroom looking really high. Surrounding her was hundreds of coffee jars. Quite a lot were empty. Kathryn walked through the door, she gasped in shock.

"Kiara! Are those my coffee supplies?" Kathryn yelled.

Kiara giggled hysterically, "nice bee hive. Oh wait, that's your wig."

Kathryn put her hands on her hip and she glared at Kiara. "How dare you insult my hair!"

"That's not hair," Kiara said. She laughed again.

"That's it young lady, I'm taking you to your mother," Kathryn said.

The Bridge:
Kathryn and Kiara came through the turbolift doors. Kathryn gasped in shock as Nikki and Lee had Tom on a stretcher nearby a smashed science console.

"Ugh.. her response is worse than James'," Tom groaned. He then fell unconscious.

"Tell me about it," Kevin muttered as he nursed a black eye and bust nose.

"What on earth happened here?" Kathryn asked as Tom was carried out.

"Tom and Kevin said I was gay," Lena replied. Bryan sighed in relief.

"Oh god, I thought your brother was the only one who did stuff like this," Kathryn muttered.

"Nope, she's worse," Triah giggled.

"I doubt she's the worst, imagine Yasmin's response," Jessie said. Nearly everyone looked petrified.

"That's it young lady, let's go into your Ready Room. NOW!" Kathryn screamed. She stormed over to Lena's Ready Room, dragging Kiara along. Lena rolled her eyes and she followed them.

As soon as Kathryn, Kiara and Lena set foot in the Ready Room, Kathryn let go of Kiara's arm. "No wonder your daughter is badly behaved, her mother is just as bad."

"What's she done then?" Lena asked as she folded her arms.

"She stole my coffee supplies," Kathryn replied.

"Is that it?" Lena asked as Kiara started picking on Lena's sleeve.

Steam came out of Kathryn's ears. "Is that it!?!?!? She has stolen something, that means she is a thief!"

"Oh," Lena muttered.

Kiara started fiddling with Lena's hair instead. "You've got pretty hair."

"How much did she actually have?" Lena asked.

"About three jars were empty," Kathryn replied.

"Oh great, she's going to be awake for days," Lena muttered.

"Just punish her and send her out. I want to punish you next," Kathryn said.

"Me? What have I done?" Lena said questioningly.

"What have you done!?!? You nearly killed Tom and beat up Kevin, that's what!" Kathryn yelled.

"There's nothing like crew discipline," Lena said.

"Lena, no Captain should beat up their own crew, this isn't a pirate ship. Now get your act together or you'll never be in command again," Kathryn said angrily.

"Fine," Lena muttered.

"Punish your daughter then, but no violence," Kathryn said.

"I know. After you get all that caffeine out of you, you're going to pay back Janeway and you won't get anymore rations off her for a week," Lena said.

"Ok, can I have some sugar?" Kiara asked.

"Maybe later," Lena replied. She pushed Kiara out of the door.

"Now, your punishment. You will go to Tom when he is treated, and you'll do a job for him," Kathryn said.

"You what?" Lena muttered.

"You're going to do it, or I'll strip you of command again," Kathryn said.

"But Captains don't do anything their First Officers tell them to do," Lena said.

"Yes well Captains don't nearly kill their First Officers either," Kathryn said.

"You chased Tom out of the Mess Hall when he skitted you earlier," Lena said.

"Get going," Kathryn said.

"This is my Ready Room," Lena muttered.

"Ok, I'll get going," Kathryn said. She stormed out.

Kiara walked into the Mess Hall still looking hyper as can be. She scanned around for people she knew, when she found them she grinned.

Lena came up to Kiara looking annoyed. "I thought I told you to sober up."

"Er.. I am sober," Kiara said.

"Um, no you're not," Lena said.

"So what? There's nothing wrong with it, just let me off," Kiara said, she tried her best to look cute.

"Oh fine. But if you do anything else wrong I'll have to punish you," Lena said. Kiara grinned and she went further into the room. "How the hell am I going to pay back mum," Lena muttered to herself. She went over to sit at a table.

Kiara went over to a table nearby Lena, and Jessie, James, Sasha & Duncan's table. Kiara grew a bigger grin, she clicked her fingers.

"Mum, tell her!" Duncan yelled as he pushed Sasha's hands away from him.

"Tell her what? She's only playing," Jessie said.

"Ugh.. how on earth did she get here anyway. She's a devil child," Duncan muttered. Sasha giggled, as she did she looked so perfectly cute and innocent.

"No she's not," James said.

"Yes she is, what did you do to end up with her?" Duncan asked as he folded his arms.

"I'd say go and ask Danny, but that's not a good idea," James said quietly.

"How would Danny know?" Duncan asked.

"That reminds me, Danny ended up teaching Kiara and her class about you know what. Doctor Jones didn't look too chuffed, so I'm told," Jessie said.

"So Doctor Jones saved the kids? They all should be in intensive care for a couple of days," James said.

"No they shouldn't, I didn't even get a doctor," Jessie said.

"No, all you got was a fear of having kids," James said.

"No she didn't do that to me. You did. If you remember Danny told me all about it besides the most important fact," Jessie said.

"What was that again?" James asked.

Jessie raised her eyebrow, "if you don't know it's a miracle we have kids."

Duncan snorted, "one miracle and one misfortune more like."

"You told me that people do that to have kids. She just told me that people do it, and not why," Jessie said.

"Oh I get you now," James said.

"Wait a minute, Sasha.. she was intentional? Kirsty told me that all bad kids are accidents who appear out of nowhere," Duncan asked.

"Oh believe me, no kids come out of nowhere," Jessie said.

"Then where do they come from? One second you're thin the next you're a big fat balloon," Duncan asked.

"Please Duncan, ask in ten years or so. Oh and don't be tempted to listen to Kyle and Kirsty's version of it. No doubt Danny's already taught them," James said.

"Wait a minute, big fat balloon?" Jessie said questioningly. Duncan looked nervous.

"Uh.. so was Sasha an accident or not?" he asked quickly.

"We'd better not get into that. Your babysitter is here now," James replied.

Duncan turned around, he slowly turned back looking scared. "What did I do?"

"What's wrong with B'Elanna?" Jessie asked.

"Yes, what is wrong with me?" B'Elanna asked.

"I don't like him," Duncan replied as he pointed at Johnathan.

"Come on, let's go," B'Elanna muttered. She picked up Sasha and she headed out. Duncan glumly followed.

"That was a close one," James said.

"Yeah, I was very tempted to say that Sasha was your fault," Jessie said.

"Excuse me? You came onto me, literally," James said.

Jessie laughed, "I did not."

"Yes you did," James said.

"I don't remember that.. I'd better be careful. Am I coming onto you now?" Jessie asked.

"Don't make such a big deal out of it," James said.

"Oh come on, show me how I came onto you," Jessie said angrily.

"Not in public, but I can show you the footage a video camera caught," James said a little too quickly.

Jessie's mouth widened in shock, "what?"

"It's a metaphor," James said quietly. Jessie stood up, she started to walk out. James stood up too, "where are you going?"

"Getting away from you. I'm not taking part in anymore of your porn movies," Jessie replied angrily. She stormed out.

"Say that a little louder please," James muttered.

Kiara burst out laughing, she fell off the chair as a result. Lena went over to James. "What the hell was that about?"

"I made him think there was a video camera in his room," Kiara laughed.

Lena and James glanced towards Kiara who was now struggling to breathe. Lena went over to her, she pulled her violently onto her feet. "How is that supposed to be funny?"

"Because it is, Jessie finally knows he's a pervert," Kiara laughed.

"How many times does it need to be said, I'm not a pervert," James grumbled.

"Believing it doesn't make it so," Kiara giggled.

"Ok Kiara, I said I would give you one more chance. I'm going to punish you, and you'll wish you hadn't of asked me to spare you before," Lena said.

"What are you going to do?" Kiara laughed.

"I'll tell you. Firstly you're going to go to Jessie and explain what you did, oh and apologise. Secondly, you're going to pay my mum back for the coffee you stole. Thirdly you're not getting anymore rations for two weeks. Fourthly.." Lena said. She slapped Kiara in the face. "You're going to get sobered up, right now."

"Maybe you should change the order," James said.

"Fine, whatever. Come on you," Lena said. She dragged Kiara out of the room with her.

Voyager's Sickbay:
Doctor Jones sighed in relief, he switched off the life support machine. He then scanned Tom, he smiled. "He can breathe on his own now," he said.

"How on earth did she manage to do this amount of damage?" Lee asked.

"I don't know, but throwing him onto the science console didn't help him that's for sure," Doctor Jones replied.

Lena stormed in with Kiara behind her, "where is he?"

Lee and Doctor Jones glanced at each other briefly. "We've just treated him. Please don't do anything else to him," Doctor Jones said.

Lee glanced at his watch, "well not for another half hour."

"Mr Williams!" Doctor Jones snapped.

"That's my name don't.." Lee started to say but the look on Lena's face stopped him.

"Well I'd better go and wake up Tom," Doctor Jones sighed. He went over to Tom's side, he placed a hypospray into his neck. He slowly woke up, as he did Lena came over.

Tom panicked as his first view was Lena. "Oh god.. what are you doing here?"

Lena rolled her eyes, "Kiara needs sobering up. Also mum wants me to do something for you as punishment. It's not like she's never had a fight with her first officer." Lee laughed and he walked away. Doctor Jones injected Kiara with a hypospray, she tried to punch him but it went straight through.

"Something you can do for me? Lemme think," Tom muttered.

"Don't strain yourself," Lena said.

Tom ignored her. "I have an idea. It's really a suggestion, so you've gotta do it."

"Oh great, if it's a dumb suggestion I ain't doing it," Lena said.

"No, it isn't. Your family's a little screwed up at the mo, so why don't you all go on a talk show," Tom said.

"Ohno, it hasn't even been one season since the last Michael Sullivan show episode," Lena moaned.

"No, no, no. I think the whole Michael Sullivan is old school, I have a different host in mind," Tom said.


End of Part I

Part II


Later, Holodeck 2:
Tom was standing on stage holding a microphone. "Hi, and welcome to Chat Show Maniacs. I am the co host, Tom Paris.." Tom said to a camera.

"Tommy, Tommy," came the usual chant.

"Thanks... anyway, please welcome the main host.. Miss Tartia Agoola!" Tom yelled over the chants.

A woman who looked exactly like Christina Aguilera came onto the stage wearing close to nothing. "Hello everyone, welcome to the show."

"Tart, Tart, Tart," the crowd chanted.

"Today's topic is Odd Families. We have one strange family first, one of the kids looks only two years younger than the mum. But wait for it, she's actually only five!" Tom yelled over the chants.

"Oooooh!" the audience gasped.

"Yeas, and some of them are teenaged virgins. Can you believe it?" Tartia said questioningly. The only response to that were a few coughs.

"Uh.. yeah. Anyway, let's start with the 'five year old', Kiara!" Tom yelled. The audience cheered as Kiara came onto the stage. She gave Tartia a funny look before sitting down.

"Ok, Kiara. I heard recently that you stole something of your grandmum's. Tell us about it," Tom said.

"I was depressed, coffee always cheers my grandma up," Kiara said.

"It does more than that Kiara. Anyway, why were you depressed?" Tom asked.

"It's probably cos she's a virgin," Tartia muttered.

"Slut," Kiara muttered,

"Aaaw, you're sweet!" Tartia cooed.

"Um... you're welcome," Kiara said.

"Kiara, the question," Tom said.

"I'm sick of being called a kid, and I'm sick of Naomi having things better," Kiara replied.

"I see. Anything else?" Tom asked.

"Mum doesn't act like my mum, she's like a big sister. Oh and grandma is always hyper," Kiara replied.

"Let's bring her out. Everyone please welcome Kathryn Janeway!" Tom yelled.

There were some more awkward coughs as Kathryn skipped onto the stage, with her usual hyper grin. "Hi Tommy!"

"Uh hi. Why did you make your daughter punish Kiara just for stealing coffee?" Tom asked.

"Coffee is important, it's vital for everyday life," Kathryn replied.

"Some people don't even like it," Tom said.

"What! Oh who cares, more for me that way," Kathryn said.

"I don't think that's right. Marill said the same thing about Cherry Coke and now there's less of it," Tom said.

"What? There might be less coffee!  Nooooooooooooooooo!" Kathryn screamed. She crawled onto the ground, then banged her fist against it, "why!?!?!?!?!"

"I told you this was an odd family," Tom said with a grin.

"God she really needs to get a boyfriend," Tartia said.

"Anyway, let's bring out Kiara's mum, Lena!" Tom yelled, ignoring Tartia.

Lena came onto the stage. She looked freaked when she saw Tartia. "This is your better host? Good god, this is worse than Annika and that damn catsuit."

"Catsuits don't reveal enough dear," Tartia said.

"Speaking of revealing, you're supposed to wear belts with trousers or jeans," Lena said.

"This is not a belt, this is a skirt," Tartia said.

Kiara raised her eyebrow, "isn't that one of those short tops?"

"No, this is one of my bigger tops," Tartia said. Everyone collapsed Pokémon style.

"Oh shut up Seven2," Lena muttered as she got onto her feet.

"Oh my god, for a teen slut you are rather tight," Tartia said.

"Excuse me! I am not a slut!" Lena screamed.

"Yes you are," Kiara muttered.

"No I'm not! How can I be one? Does slut mean the opposite of what I think it means or something?" Lena asked angrily.

"Oh come on, you have a teenaged kid at 18, you dress slutty, you even had a crush on your own brother," Kiara replied.

"Woooooo!" the crowd gasped.

"I did not!" Lena yelled.

"Yes you do, you said you loved him," Kiara said.

"Yeah cos he's my brother!" Lena yelled.

"You felt that way before you found out though," Kiara said.

"I think we should sort this out don't you? Let's bring out the brother, and the psycho sister," Tom said loudly.

James and Yasmin came onto the stage. Yasmin glanced at Tartia and screamed as a result. "What is that?"

"Ugh, you must be the other virgin," Tartia groaned.

"Um.. guys we've got a bit of a problem that needs sorting out. Kiara thinks of her mum as a slut because she actually fancied you. What do you think?" Tom asked.

"I think you should shut up," James replied.

"Keep on topic," Tom said.

"Mmmm, Topics," someone in the crowd muttered. Everyone heard loud crunching noises afterwards.

"Answer the question," Tartia said while eyeing James.

"Why is she looking at me like I'm a piece of meat?" James asked nervously.

"Mmm meat," the same person in the crowd muttered. Some disgusting pig eating noises started afterwards.

"Uh.. don't worry she did the same to me. She was right though answer the question," Tom said.

"I think Kiara's wrong, she's not a slut and most girls would have to be mad to like me in that way," James replied.

"Don't you mean all girls?" Tom asked jokingly.

"What about me?" Tartia asked.

"You're not a girl, you're a tart," Lena muttered.

"Mmm tarts," the person in the crowd muttered.

Lena finally lost it, "stop that!!!!!!" The guy cowered and he ran out of the holodeck.

"God you're always angry, calm down!" Kiara yelled.

"Oh come on, I couldn't of been the only one who found that annoying," Lena muttered.

"That's true, but I'm not the only one who finds you just as annoying," Kiara said.

"What about you? You always moan just to get attention. You're getting just that and you're still moaning!" Lena exclaimed.

"Ooh, are you two going to fight to the death?" Yasmin asked.

"Hahaha, I'd better not. I might get done for brat abuse," Lena replied.

"You wouldn't be the first in the family," Tom said as he glanced at James.

"I wasn't a brat," James muttered.

"Of course not sweetie, give me a hug," Kathryn said in a hyper way. She lunged for James but Yasmin tripped her up. She pointed a finger at her and laughed.

"This is a family thing folks, the kids don't like their mums..." Tom said.

"I don't like their mums either," Tartia muttered.

"Don't like my mum? I hate her, she's a selfish little cow!" Kiara yelled.

"What brought that on? Do you think being the victim of child abuse will get you more attention?" Lena asked angrily.

"It works for James doesn't it?" Tom sniggered.

"Hey, leave me out of this," James muttered.

"So what are you going to do? Hit me, go on then!" Kiara yelled.

"Maybe I'll do just that!" Lena yelled back. The two lunged for each other but Yasmin appeared in the middle.

"Right, to get me involved... Lena you're boring and Kiara you're a brat. Let's fight!" Yasmin said.

"Tommy, Tommy, Tommy," the audience chanted.

"Ok, let's bring out the stronger than Slayers holo Security Guards!" Tom yelled. Three Security Guards appeared out of nowhere, and held back all of the girls before anything started.

"Aaaaw," the audience moaned.

"Ok, getting back to the actual conversation. James, you have brats.. I mean kids too. What do you think Lena's doing wrong?" Tom asked.

"She's a cow that's what!" Kiara yelled. Lena growled.

"Come back to me later, gotta think," James muttered.

"I know, it's hard isn't it," Tom said quietly. He turned to Kathryn, "um, what do you think she's doing wrong?"

"She isn't me. I'm a brilliant mummy," Kathryn giggled.

"Uh huh. One kid killed his own dad, turned psycho and has a witch for a future wife. The other one has a daughter who looks two years younger than her, but doesn't act like it. The other one well is a psycho too," Tom said.

"I do act like a sixteen year old!" Kiara protested.

"Yey, I'm a psycho! In your face James!" Yasmin yelled.

"He said I was one too, but I'm not proud of it," James said.

"Well at least he didn't say anything bad about me," Lena said.

"Oh my babies," Kathryn giggled. She tried to hug all of her kids but she just fell over.

"Ugh, no wonder I'm depressed. My mum doesn't even care about me, and I have a bizarre family," Kiara said.

"Hey, you have no right to moan. I had it much worse than you, at least you haven't got the same parents as me," James said.

"Hehehe," Kathryn giggled from the floor.

"Oh come on Lena's worse than Janeway, Lena doesn't even care about me," Kiara said.

"Of course she does! She saved your life once, and I bet she'd risk her life to save you again," James said.

"Ha, yeah right," Kiara muttered.

"Oh for god's sake, you're never satisfied are you? There's no point, once we've got this problem sorted out, a few months later she'll be moaning again," Lena said.

"I think we should bring out another brat's mother out. Everyone welcome Jessie!" Tom yelled.

Jessie came onto the stage holding Sasha, Duncan followed not looking too chuffed. "I hate this place, I fell down the stairs," Duncan grumbled.

"Ok Jess, if you were Lena, what would you do about this?" Tom asked.

"Actually I have no idea, none of my kids are that bratty and they're younger," Jessie replied.

"Oh god, I'm not looking forward to being your niece in law, that's for sure," Kiara grumbled.

"Hey, at your age I would of killed to have my actual mum in my life. My mum cared so much she dumped me in an orphanage just because she couldn't handle twins..." Jessie said.

Tom shuddered, "worrying.. twins."

Jessie turned around and smacked him. She turned back to Kiara. "What I'm saying is at least Lena's trying to look after you. For crying out loud, my second mum chucked me out of the house after I got wrong for the first time ever. That shows how much people cared about me. You're lucky."

"Oh yeah, I bet you wouldn't of liked to have a teenager as your mum!" Kiara yelled.

"My mum was a teenager," Jessie said.

"Well she wouldn't of been when you were," Kiara grumbled.

"Ok, that's enough. Now let's talk to Duncan, maybe we can have another child's point of view. Duncan, what do you think of your parents?" Tom asked.

"They were the best until she came!" Duncan shouted as he pointed at Sasha. She just laughed, she then grabbed him tightly. "Aargh, get her off me!"

"What are you talking about Duncan?" James asked. Jessie tried to gently pull Sasha and Duncan apart.

"Oh come on, you like her more. I was with different parents when I was her age," Duncan replied.

"Yes, but there wasn't a problem with you. It was a problem with us," Jessie said.

"Hmm, I think we should take a break before we get flashbacks of Why oh Why," Tom said.

"Oh yeah, it's been nearly a year since that episode was put up," Lena said.

"Ooooh," the audience gasped.

"Wow, she actually did some maths. Good for her," Kiara said sarcastically.

"You little b**ch!" Lena grumbled and she tried to lunge for her again. The Security Guard held her back.

"This is boring, kill each other!" Yasmin screamed.

"Wait a minute, we have family members missing," Tom said.

Right on cue Chakotay and Phoebe came onto the stage. Phoebe suddenly collapsed which made everyone jump in surprise. "What's wrong with her?" Tartia asked.

"Oh, I gave her decaf. She keeps falling asleep," Chakotay sniggered.

"Decaf? Good, more of the good stuff for me," Kathryn giggled.

Tom knelt down and he tried to wake Phoebe up. She pushed him away.

"No, I don't want to go Kathryn's graduation party, she smells," Phoebe mumbled.

"Smells? I smell beautiful!" Kathryn gasped.

"Oh great, another two are going into an argument," Duncan muttered.

"I think I might pick a fight. Tom, you really need to get a life," Chakotay said.

"No, you can't start a fight with me. You're supposed to fight with the family, it makes good viewing," Tom said.

"No, this makes good viewing!" Yasmin laughed as she picked up a chair. She threw it at Tom, it knocked him unconscious.

"Ha, I got something! I'm a better dad than James and Yasmin's dad, you don't see Lena trying to kill anyone," Chakotay said. Everyone stared at him awkwardly.

"No one told you about me nearly killing Tom earlier then," Lena said.

"Ugh.. fine. I'm a better dad than James," Chakotay said.

Lena laughed, "oh yeah? I didn't see you trying to defend me from demons and stuff."

"You can do that yourself easily," Chakotay said.

"And you can't.. I've kicked more demon butt than you have," Duncan muttered.

"OK! I'm a better dad than Tom!" Chakotay cried.

"Well that remains to be seen I guess," Jessie muttered.

"Finally," Chakotay groaned.

"This is getting stupid. This family is the worst family ever!" Kiara yelled. She stormed towards the doors.

"Oh yeah, well I wish I was just a normal teenager with no bratty kids! So go and strop elsewhere will you!" Lena yelled back. Kiara picked up speed, she left the holodeck quickly.

Tom regained consciousness. "So what do you think? Do you think this show is better than the previous ones?"

Everyone stared at Tom with exactly the same look on their faces. Well, everyone except Yasmin, Kathryn, Phoebe and Sasha.

"Yeah, I think I should delete this program," Tom muttered.

Yasmin groaned, "I'm bored." She went over to James and she pushed him hard. "Ok, you and me outside."

"I can't be arsed," James muttered.

Yasmin picked up another chair, "fine, I'll have a fight with Tom instead."

Tom's eyes widened and he ran out of the holodeck. Yasmin chased after him looking hyped. That changed when she stepped out of the holodeck, obviously the chair had disappeared.

Kevin was strolling down the corridor, checking out all the girls that passed. He accidentally bumped into the adult Sasha, who was with James.

"Sorry.. how you.." Kevin started to say.

"No!" James cut in.

"What? She's not yours is she?" Kevin said questioningly.

"Kevin, she's my daughter," James said.

Kevin eyed Sasha, looking really confused. "How old are you?"

"I'm from the future," Sasha quickly said.

"Oh, that makes more sense," Kevin said.

Lena walked over, she passed Kevin a horrible glare as she did. "Have you seen Kiara anywhere?"

"No, I haven't seen her since the chat show," James replied. He and Lena stepped away from Sasha and Kevin.

"So, how you doing?" Kevin asked.

"Uh, fine. You?" Sasha replied.

"Oh god, another les," Kevin muttered.

Sasha narrowed her eyes, then she jumped onto Kevin and gave him the beating of a lifetime.

James and Lena glanced over after hearing the commotion. "Like father like daughter, huh?" Lena muttered.

"Hmm, yeah," James said.

In: "Paris to Janeway, you'd better get up here Lena."

"Why, what's going on?" Lena asked.

In: "Well you know that we're in the middle of an uninhabitable system.. right?"

"Right," Lena replied.

In: "Well one planet in the system we're in has changed, and that's not all."

"Ok, I'm on my way," Lena said. She quickly headed towards the nearest turbolift.

Enterprise Bridge:
Lena came onto the Bridge and went over to Tom & Triah at opps. "You ain't going to like it," Tom muttered.

"Well I ran through visual scans and it showed the planet changing colour and texture like Q's reappearing," Triah said.

"So it was either Kiara or a Q," Lena said.

"Yeah but there's problems with the Kiara theory. 1, why would she make a planet change? 2, she hasn't got unlimited powers like Q's do. There's a lot she can't do," Tom said.

"You'd think making a planet liveable would be out of her capabilities," Triah said.

"Maybe not, is there any life on that planet now?" Lena asked.

"There's one lifesign, but that's it," Jessie replied.

"What kind of lifesign?" Lena asked.

"Human," Jessie muttered in response.

"That doesn't make sense, why would she make a planet like that and go there?" Triah said questioningly.

"Oh, it's a perfect place to hide and pout," Lena said.

"Geeze, I used my room to do that," Triah said.

"Don't you think we should go down there?" Tom asked.

Lena shook her head as she tapped her commbadge. "Lena to Kiara, what do you think you're doing?"

In: "Getting away from you, selfish b**ch. Kiara out."

"Woah, what did you say to her?" Triah asked.

"A little too much. This is getting to be a regular thing," Lena replied.

"Can you blame her Lena? She thinks that no one cares about her. Running away is what all supposedly unloved kids do," Tom said.

"What am I supposed to do? It's not like I don't try," Lena said.

"You only try when she goes out of her way to hate you. You're going to have to be more understanding and caring whenever she needs it. For goodness sake, she doesn't have to ask, she's your daughter," Tom said.

"Don't you think I know that," Lena muttered.

"No I don't think you do know it. If you did you wouldn't be in this mess," Tom said.

"How am I supposed to raise a teenaged kid when I'm one myself. I can't concentrate on her 24/7," Lena said.

"She's got a point, Kiara just doesn't seem to take that point in," Jessie said.

"Oh come on, she only looks like one. She's only five years old," Tom said.

"So what, she has no excuse to just attack me like she did. We're going down there," Lena said. She headed towards the turbolift.

"Can't we transport her up?" Triah asked.

"I doubt that. Q or not she would of done something to stop us," Tom said.

"We'll see. Tom, Jess.. you two are with me," Lena said.

The planet:
Lena, Jessie and Tom rematerialised inside a dense forest. Nearby was a small house. Tom scanned around, "she's inside the house."

"Wow, what a good hiding place," Jessie muttered.

"You never know Jess, she may have just left her commbadge there," Lena said.

"Well there's only one way to find out," Tom said. He went towards the house, he opened the door. All three stepped inside and quite surprisingly they were faced by Kiara.

"Wow, did you want to be found quickly?" Lena asked.

"Too be honest I didn't care. I'm staying right here," Kiara replied.

"Look Kiara, what's this about?" Lena asked.

"I'm just doing you a favour. You've never wanted me, so I'll stay here on my own," Kiara replied.

"Are you insane? You only had a little fight," Tom said.

"This isn't about that one fight," Kiara said.

"What is it about then?" Jessie asked.

"Oh come on, you know what this is about," Kiara muttered in response.

"No, I don't. All I can think of is that a stroppy teenager isn't happy about not getting enough attention," Jessie said.

Kiara narrowed her eyes and she clicked her fingers. Jessie disappeared.

"What the hell have you done?" Lena asked.

"Oh don't worry, she's only on the other side of the planet. She belongs there I think, it is called the Dark Side of the planet," Kiara replied.

"Oh so you send people there when they back answer you? Kiara, you can't be right all the time," Lena said.

"She wasn't right, and neither are you," Kiara said. She clicked her fingers and Lena disappeared too.

Tom looked nervous, "um.. am I next?"

"Depends if you say anything annoying. So probably yes," Kiara replied.

"Fine.. but I'll be back," Tom said and he left the building.

Lena appeared in a dark forest similar to the previous one. She looked around, a nearby scream made her jump. Jessie ran over to her.

"Oh my god, don't go over there!" she stuttered.

"What, why?" Lena asked.

What sounded like bad singing and rapping got louder and louder. Then suddenly Nelly and Kelly emerged from the behind some trees.

"All I think about is you? Even when I'm with my.." Kelly was 'singing'.

Lena's eyes widened, "what the hell is that?"

"I dunno, god's sake make it stop," Jessie moaned.

"I got an idea," Lena said. She whispered something in Jessie's ear. "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. Life in plastic is fantastic."

Nelly and Kelly fell on to the ground withering in agony, yet they still managed to do their song.

"Lena.. this isn't working. We'd better bring out the big guns," Jessie said.

"Yeah, agreed," Lena muttered. She and Jessie suddenly started singing the Cheeky Song.

"We are the cheeky girls, we are the cheeky girls. You are the cheeky boys, you are the cheeky boys," the two girls sang.

Nelly and Kelly suddenly blew up, lots of goo went everywhere. Yeah people, they are not human. As soon as that happened a huge horde of Annika's appeared.

"Ready girls? One, two, three, four... We are the cheeky girls, we are the cheeky girls!" all of the Annika's sang, as they did the dance routine.

"Ok, we've died and gone to hell," Lena stuttered.

"I'm sure I didn't go to hell last time," Jessie muttered.

Enterprise, the Mess Hall:
"You know if you don't stop picking on me, I'm going to report you to the RSPCC," Bryan said.

"Hmm, like father like son," James said.

"That's sometimes not true, for example my dad is better to pick on than me," Bryan said.

"You're easier to pick on when I can't be bothered to hit anyone," James said.

In: "Paris to Stuart."

In: "Are you insane, you're really asking for it."

"Um, what's up?" James asked.

In: "Kiara's in a bit of a mood. She transported Lena and Jessie to the Dark Side of the planet, but there are no lifesigns there."

"What? Why did she do that?" James asked.

In: "I dunno, she wasn't happy when both answered her back. She seems to want to stay on the planet."

"Dad, let me go down and talk to her," Bryan said as he stood up.

In: "I dunno.."

"Well he can send a message to Lena and Jessie, that'll be handy," James said.

Bryan pouted, "I won't get sent there. I'm one of her best friends."

"And Lena's her mum," James muttered.

In: "He's got a point, Bryan. She might send you to the Dark Side too."

"No she won't, I have a plan," Bryan said.

The planet:
Tom, Bryan and James appeared on the planet, outside the little house. Tom led the way inside.

"Oh you're back.. bye bye," Kiara muttered. She clicked her fingers and Tom disappeared.

"Why did you do that?" Bryan asked.

"I send annoying people away," Kiara replied.

"Look Kiara, you've got to come back to the ships," Bryan said.

"Good plan," James said quietly.

Bryan rolled his eyes. "You think no one cares about you, you're wrong."

"Really? Prove it," Kiara said.

"Well for starters, no one would of come to the planet to get you back if no one cared," Bryan said.

"How would it look if the ships left a crewmember behind?" Kiara asked.

"Um, very bad," Bryan replied.

"Exactly, now go away," Kiara said.

"Oh for goodness sake, it seems like you don't want people to care. Keep acting like this and no one will," James said.

"Thanks for the tip," Kiara said sweetly. She clicked her fingers and James disappeared too.

"So are you really going to stay here all your life?" Bryan asked.

"Why not?" Kiara replied.

"Because, I won't have a best friend then. I know it sounds selfish but that's the way I feel," Bryan said quietly.

"Aaw, why don't you stay here with me then," Kiara said sarcastically.

"I'm serious.. you may act like a b**ch around me sometimes, but I'll miss you if you stay here," Bryan said.

"You are serious aren't you?" Kiara said questioningly.

"Of course I am, and I won't be the only one who'll miss you. There's Naomi, heck even Yasmin will miss you," Bryan said.

"Yasmin? My aunt that wants to kill me," Kiara muttered.

"Yeah, she wants to kill everyone. Don't take it personally, I mean it's probably her way of hiding how she really feels. Like Lena, she tries to act tough all the time, but I'm sure she cares about you too," Bryan said.

"I have been a bit overreactive haven't I," Kiara muttered.

"No, I know how you feel. I'm like you, remember. I'm only two years old, but I look seventeen. I sometimes think my parents don't give a toss either, but they do. I guess this is how all teenagers feel sometimes," Bryan said.

"If that's so Lena would feel like that with her mum too, and she has to put up with me as well. No wonder she hates me," Kiara said.

"I don't think she hates you, Kiara," Bryan said.

"She acts like she does all the time," Kiara said.

"Ok to be fair she doesn't like you sometimes, but she still loves you. I think all parents are like that," Bryan said.

Kiara smiled, "for a two year old you're quite smart."

"I don't act my age, well sometimes anyway," Bryan said and he grinned.

"All right, I'll come back to the ship. I'll try not to make this happen again," Kiara said.

"Yeah, yeah, I believe you," Bryan muttered.

Later, Voyager:
"How come I've got the feeling I've forgotten something?" Kiara asked.

"You probably have, that's why," Bryan replied.

Meanwhile in that dark forest:
"What did I do to deserve this?" Tom moaned.

"I'm not answering that question," Jessie muttered.

"God I would kill to have Yasmin here right now," Lena said.

"I can do the kill part for you," James said as he glanced at Tom.

"Hey.." Tom moaned.

Now all the Annika's were doing the Ketchup Song, complete with the dance routine. I don't know the words so don't ask me to type them out.

Back on Voyager:
Duncan walked over to their table, "have you seen my parents?"

"No, but in actual fact I haven't seen my dad," Bryan said as he glanced at Kiara.

Kiara's eyes widened, "oops.. my mum's not back either." She clicked her fingers. "Let's just hope that worked, I can't do everything."

"Maybe that is a good thing, you've already done enough to me," Bryan said.

"I have? I don't remember doing anything to you with my Q powers," Kiara said.

"I don't think it was your Q powers," Bryan said.

"Well what did I do?" Kiara asked.

"You turned me into James," Bryan muttered.

Kiara looked confused, "If I did I would of used my Q powers to do it."

"No you don't get it. I meant that like him, I got a crush on my best friend," Bryan said quietly.

"Oh.. uhoh," Kiara muttered.

Duncan glanced at the two looking disgusted, "eeew. You're only a bit older than me."

"Yeah but like I said to Kiara, I don't act my age sometimes," Bryan said.

Kiara smiled nervously, "uh huh."

Lena stopped outside Kathryn and Kiara's quarters. She sighed before stepping straight inside, when she did she gasped in shock. "Oh my god..."

Kiara and Bryan quickly pulled away from each other, Bryan looked really scared. "Oh crap, I wasn't kissing your daughter. Honest, it was a trick of the light and.."

"Bryan, she's not stupid," Kiara muttered.

"No I'm not, how long has this been going on?" Lena asked.

"A few minutes, but believe me he just came onto me," Kiara replied.

"Ok, fair enough," Lena said. She grabbed a hold of Bryan by the ear, she dragged him outside. A few minutes later Lena came back in. "You ok?"

"Yeah.. I hope you weren't too hard on him. I think he may have been proving his point about parents," Kiara replied.

"You think, don't you mean you hope?" Lena said.

"Yeah that's the right one, or it might of been the mistletoe that grandma put up," Kiara said. She and Lena both looked up at the mistletoe, some dramatic music came on as they did.

Will Tom ever learn that chat shows never make matters better? Why did Bryan kiss Kiara? Will Sandi replace Neelix? Why was Simon Cowell on the ship? What did auctioneers for Murder Idol have to do to win? Is Kevin, Joey Tribiani's reincarnation? And will Janeway ever get paid back for the stolen coffee?
Find out the answers to probably none of these questions in the next installment of Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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