Ex Post Facto
(Parts 1 & 2)

This episode is based on the original episode, and er that's about it ^_^

Episode Synopsis
Tom gets accused of murder on an alien planet, meanwhile the Fifth Voyager Destruction Association try to be villainous but fail miserably

Written By

11th & 12th September 2002

Episode Based In
January 2371 (early season 1)

Last time on B4 Fifth Voyager
"Well I'm here on your behalf actually. Tom managed to hack into the security camera system a month back. To make a long story short, he was eaves dropping on one of your conversations. He's going to give it to several people as proof of a bet they made. I convinced him to just think about it first, but he's made his mind up," Harry said.

"Really? What did they bet on?" Jessie asked.

"Well erm, some sad people bet on people as couples.. you know. Some twits betted that you and James were a couple," Harry replied.

"I didn't really listen that much, one of you mentioned that Danny knew about some incident, and James mentioned something later about Janeway seeing it through the camera systems," Harry said.

"Well the incident I mentioned was pretty embarrassing, but it's not what either you or Tom think," Jessie said.

"He was thinking of backing up the first camera footage with it," Harry said.

"I'd better delete it before he looks or I'll be the laughing stock," Jessie said.

"Someone's deleted it, something else is in it's place," Tom said. He opened the different camera footage.

Tom turned off the computer, his face still crimson red. "How did they know I'd look at the footage?"

"That planet we're orbiting is hailing us," Harry said.

"What planet?" Chakotay asked.

"I dunno, all I know is that we're in orbit of it," Harry replied.

Tom turned around. "Oops, sorry about that. I wasn't paying attention before. Should I take us away?"

"No it would be impolite to ignore that planets hail, I mean it obviously has some part in the plot, right?" Chakotay said questioningly.

"Greetings, my name is Liru. Welcome to our homeworld," the bald guy said.

Chakotay looked rather nervous, "er, what are we suppose to do at this planet anyway?"

Kiga sighed. "Can we please just kidnap two men and two women. Preferably ones that don't bully my fiancée."

"Why don't we just choose two of the shippings?" Chakotay asked.

"Good idea. What about Danny and Ian?" Kathryn asked.

"Those creeps have just beamed Danny, Ian, Lee and Lisa to the planet surface," Harry replied.

"What? That was unexpected," Kathryn said.

"Er... we can still beam them back," Harry said.

"Oh. Why don't we waste our time in a useless and insane subplot instead?" Chakotay asked. 

"Anyway, you four have been chosen to perform the rites for our wedding," Kiga said.

"What are rites?" Danny asked.

"Just the posh word for tasks, there are three tasks for you all to perform before the wedding. It blesses the marriage," Kiga replied.

"You have to have this oil on any exposed skin for the second task. It makes the second task more fun, like I said earlier," Kiga said.

"That's it? That's the hardest task. God this'll be easy," Danny said.

"No no, you don't get it do you. Someone has to rub it on you," Jiru said.

"Ohno, I should have seen that coming," Ian muttered.

"Yep, you should have. Split into two's, Danny and Ian, Lisa and Lee," Kiga said.

"Ok, I'll pair with Ian," Danny said as she stood next to Lee. Ian quickly caught on, he went over to Lisa.

"Do you think we're stupid or something?" Jiru muttered.

"Right the rules are, one crewmember will get evicted from both houses every five hours, and so on. The ones in the houses will vote who they want out. Eventually only two will be left in each house. When that happens the crew will vote for their favourite, this game will have two winners that way," Tom said.

"Isn't this just a sad popularity contest?" B'Elanna asked.

"Er... yes of course it is," Tom replied.

"Jiru, the only thing that's running smoothly is your head," Kiga said.

"In all fairness, we don't need this rite do we," Jiru said.

"Yeah we do, doesn't matter they've got plenty oil on them now," Kiga said. 

"Can Jessie please come to the Diary Room," Lady Big Bully said.

Both Jessie and the unknown crewmember stood up. "You're not called Jessie."

The unknown crewmember gasped. She went over to stand in front of Jessie. "Wow, this mirror talks."

"What? I'm not a mirror, I look nothing like you," Jessie said.

"Oh I get it. You're my twin sister. And people say I'm too dumb," the unknown crewmember said. 

"The crew have voted. The winner of Big Bully House Number 1 is........ the unknown crewmember!" Lady Big Bully yelled.

"What? That's not fair!" Jessie exclaimed.

"The winner of Big Bully House Number 2 is........ Janeway!" Lady Big Bully yelled.

"What? More people voted for Janeway?" Faye said questioningly.

"Who cares, it's not like I'll win anything good anyway," Kathryn said.

"Both winners will get a years supply of coffee!" Lady Big Bully yelled.

And now the conclusion
The Mess Hall:
All of the main cast, including some unknown crewmembers were all standing or sitting around the room. There was a banner above the window saying Happy New Year. Did I mention that some people were drunk?

Craig went over to Kathryn who was lying in a pile of er... coffee merchandise, including pizza boxes.

"Captain, can I have a promotion?" Craig asked.

"Oh sure!" Kathryn giggled. She handed Craig a pip, he put it onto his collar.

"Can I have another one?" Craig asked.

"Sure!" Kathryn laughed. She handed Craig another pip while Harry watched nearby. Craig walked away.

Harry then went over to Kathryn. "Captain, can I have a promotion?"

"Sure!" Kathryn laughed. She put her hand in her pocket, she pulled it back out. "Sorry, ran out of pips."

"Damn it!" Harry exclaimed. He walked away.

"Harry, I've got something better," Chakotay said as he went up to Harry.

"A double promotion?" Harry asked.

Chakotay burst out laughing, he quickly turned serious. "I doubt it. You've got an awaymission to go on, with Tom."

Harry glanced to the right. He saw Tom dancing and singing to Barbie Girl wearing a blonde wig.

"Come on Barbie let's go party. Ooh oooh, ooh oooh!" Tom sang.

"That's not better," Harry grumbled.

"I know, I was just trying to get your hopes up. You leave tomorrow at 0800 hours," Chakotay said. He walked away. Neelix pushed passed him and streaked across the room. Even the drunks looked terrified.

"You know I think he's taking the break up with Kes really well," Lisa said to Faye.

"I think that Fifth Voyager was better serious," Faye said.

Faye and Lisa stood in silence for a few minutes. They turned to each other, "nah."

Neelix streaked passed Kes and Jessie, he then streaked outside. A couple of screams were heard.

"I can't believe I used to date him," Kes said.

"I can't believe that he's the first guy I've seen naked. Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to turn gay as a result of that," Jessie said. She then downed the vodka bottle in her hand. Kes watched her with a Pokémon Sweatdrop on the side of her head.

"I doubt James will be happy about that," Kes muttered.

"What did you say about me!" Jessie yelled drunkenly. She then collapsed.

Meanwhile in the FVDA Headquarters. Well actually it was a little house in the middle of nowhere (aka nearby Stanley):
Jeri Ryan, Brannon Braga, Rick Berman, Damien, and Hear'say were all sitting around a table playing a card game.

"Got any three's?" Johnny asked.

"Go fish," Jeri replied. Johnny drew a card. "Got any three's?"

Everyone glared at Jeri. She looked nervous. "Yeesh, now I get why she joined the club. No one can possibly like her," Brannon said.

"Speak for yourself," Myleene said.

"Go fish," Johnny muttered.

"Oh yes, that's good... no wait it isn't. Johnny, you have three's!" Jeri exclaimed.

"Huh? Oh yeah, I asked you for three's before," Johnny said.

The rest of the group groaned. "Do they even know how to play this game?" Noel asked.

"Obviously not. Let's play another game," Rick replied.

"Like what?" the other Hear'say girl asked.

"How about we actually act like villains instead of wasting time playing cards," Damien replied.

"Nah, too much work," Brannon muttered.

"Besides we can't appear to the Voyager crew in this series since we don't properly appear until the main series," Rick said.

"I can though, mwahahahaha!" Damien laughed as he pulled a lollipop out of his pocket. He unwrapped it and put it into his mouth.

"Jeri can't, which is always a good thing, neither can Johnny," Brannon said.

"Hey, why not? I want to see my honey bunny," Johnny asked.

"Ugh, don't make me sick," the other Hear'say guy muttered.

"I take over a character you play in Season 3," Damien replied, he laughed evilly again.

"Myleene can't appear either, she played a character in the last episode," Brannon pointed out.

"Ah nuts, I knew I should have volunteered Kym Marsh for that job," Myleene muttered.

"So who can appear in this bloody episode?" Johnny asked.

"Every other member of Hear'say, and Damien," Brannon replied.

"Why Damien, doesn't he seem like a harmless troublemaker until late Season 1?" Rick asked.

"I'm not harmless you imbecile!" Damien exclaimed as he dug into a yogurt.

"Well when Damien appeared no one asked 'who the hell are you', so we can get away with it," Brannon replied.

"Right, we can send what's her name, er.. what's his name, Noel and Damien. Who else can we send?" Rick asked. The two nameless Hear'say members groaned (I think that the guy's called Danny and the girl's called Suzanne, so I'll call them that)

Right on cue someone with a hood over his head came into the house. "Hi guys, did I miss anything?" he asked.

"We can send him, the Voyager crew will be terrified when they see him," Brannon replied.

"Voyager? Finally, we're getting to the best part at last," the guy said.

"Osama, why are you hiding in a hood? No one around Stanley will see you, and I doubt the very few natives here will care if they see you," Brannon said.

"Well I have to hide, it is the 11th," Osama Bin Laden said as he took off his hood.

"No it isn't, it's the 12th," Myleene said.

"Oh drat, I would of loved to get revenge on Voyager on the 11th," Osama said.

Damien finally stopped staring at Osama in awe. "Oh Osama, you're my hero!"

Everyone fell off their chairs. Rick climbed back on his first. "Don't say that Damien, we're risking a flame just having him in this episode!"

"So sue me, I love this guy. I wish I could be as evil as him," Damien said.

"Mwahahahaha, I doubt you'll ever be young one. Oooh you have any yogurts left?" Osama asked.

"Sure, I have a bag full of them. They're a little warm.." Damien replied. He gave Osama a yogurt, he dug into it without a spoon.

"Sooooo, what villainy thing should we do?" Danny asked.

"Anything, as long as it doesn't involve using Osama that much. I'm already dreading the upcoming flames as it is," Rick replied.

"Why do we care? It's the writers who'll get flamed not us," Brannon asked.

"Oh good point, that'll help in the destruction won't it?" Rick asked.

"Well duh!" Suzanne exclaimed.

"Let's get started then," Brannon said.

"Do you have any rats milk?" Osama asked.

Everyone but Damien glanced at their neighbour nervously.

The next day, Voyager:
"We're in orbit of Holicrab, Captain," Danny said from the helm.

"Good, good," Kathryn said.

"Why are we here anyway?" Chakotay asked.

"No reason, no reason. Now I'll lead an awayteam to the surface," Kathryn said as she stood up.

"But, I thought we were here for no reason at all," Ian said from opps.

"Um, we are. I just want to get some fresh air that's all... er bye!" Kathryn said, she ran into the turbolift.

"She can be so illogical at times," Tuvok commented.

A small ship was hovering nearby a small nebula. The FVDA members were all there on the Bridge.

"Where the f*** are we?" Rick asked angrily.

"Um.. we must of took the wrong turn. That star chart must be out of date," Brannon replied.

"Don't blame the star chart, it's the dumb pilots fault!" Damien yelled as he scribbled over the 'Copyright 1995' bit on the starchart.

"Don't blame me, you were the one giving the directions," Johnny said.

"I say we bring out our secret weapon," Brannon said.

"Ohno, not the plot finding device. That'll not help us," Damien said.

"It will. It'll detect Voyager's plots for this episode and then we'll find them," Brannon said.

"Do it," Rick ordered.

Brannon went over to the opps station, he keyed in some commands. "Fly my pretty fly."

"Lame," Johnny muttered.

"I think this is going to work," Brannon said smugly.

"I think you should kiss my a**," Johnny said.

"Who'd want to go near that ... thing," Myleene said.

"Answer that question and you're off the show," the censor guy's voice said.

Kathryn, Jessie, B'Elanna, James and the Streaker... er I mean Neelix, rematerialised in a busy town centre.

"Ok, I've got to do my thing, you just hang around and look busy," Kathryn said. She then rushed off.

"Look busy? Busy with what?" B'Elanna asked.

"Who cares, Janeway's not around is she? We can do anything," James replied.

"Anything?" Jessie said nervously as she glanced at Neelix. Neelix looked perfectly innocent.

"What?" Neelix said questioningly.

"Ugh.. I had nightmares cos of you," Jessie shuddered.

"Ohno, I didn't do that thing with the stew again did I? I always forget that Leola Root doesn't go with chicken," Neelix asked.

"Nah, you just got drunk and streaked in the Mess Hall," James said.

"What? I got drunk? That's not good," Neelix said.

"Yeah, don't do it again," Jessie said.

"Sorry, I didn't think that me streaking would give you nightmares though," Neelix said.

"It would give anyone with eyes nightmares, lucky I didn't see it," B'Elanna said.

"Um, since when does painting streaks of paint on the wall cause nightmares?" Neelix asked.

"Ugh you don't even know what streaking is?" Jessie asked.

"Nope, not anymore," Neelix replied.

"I think it's best if you don't know," James said.

"Oh, it was THAT embarrassing," Neelix said.

"It wasn't embarrassing, I don't scar easily when embarrassing things happen. You do realise that I may turn gay now," Jessie said.

"What?" James said in shock.

"Hey, a hairy warty guy with stupid spots really shouldn't be the first guy you see, well naked. It puts you off men," Jessie said.

"What, I was naked?" Neelix exclaimed. B'Elanna shuddered.

"Please don't give me that image, Jessie, I may not sleep tonight," B'Elanna said.

"You didn't see it!" Jessie yelled. James put a hand on her shoulder.

"Calm down, just don't think about it," James said.

"That's easy for you to say," B'Elanna muttered.

"Wait a minute.... oh my god, I just noticed... you're a guy. Get away from me!" Jessie screamed, she ran away from the group.

"That's insulting, she just noticed that after 17 years," James said.

"Good going Neelix, you've made Jessie turn even more loopy," B'Elanna said.

"I was naked," Neelix stuttered.

Kathryn came back dragging behind her a huge bag. "Ok we should get back now."

"We can't, Jessie freaked out and ran," B'Elanna said.

"I was naked," Neelix whispered.

"But we really should get this coff.. er food supplies back to my ready... er the Mess Hall," Kathryn said.

James groaned. "Fine, I'll look for her. She'll probably run away from me, but it's worth a try."

"Why would she run away, I thought she followed you around like a love sick puppy?" Kathryn asked.

"No it's the other way round," B'Elanna whispered.

"Actually it's both," Kathryn said.

Jessie came back to the group looking calmer than before, but she was hiding something.

"Hi guys," she said.

"Wow, quick recovery," B'Elanna said.

"I needed to get that out of my system," Jessie said. Everyone heard what sounded like a cat.

"What was that?" Kathryn asked.

"Er.. I think it was a cat trying to get into your bag," Jessie replied nervously.

Kathryn panicked, she looked at the bag. There was nothing there. She sneezed suddenly, she sneezed about five times afterwards. "That's strange, I don't usually sneeze that much normally. It must of been that cat."

"You're allergic to cats?" Jessie asked.

"Yes," Kathryn replied.

"So was the nanny that looked after me when I was a baby," James said.

Kathryn looked nervous this time. "Really? That's nice... let's go."

Later, the Bridge:
"Commander, Tom and Harry's shuttle is returning but there's only one lifesign in it," Tuvok said.

"Isn't this suppose to happen at the beginning, not half way through?" Ian asked.

"Ian, this is Fifth Voyager," Chakotay said.

"Good point," Ian muttered.

"Anyway beam whoever is on the shuttle to Sickbay," Chakotay said.

"Aye sir," Tuvok said.


End of Part I

Part II


The Doctor was scanning Harry who was lying on the biobed. Kathryn and Tuvok arrived, Kathryn looked rather drunk as well.

"Hiya Doccie!" Kathryn yelled.

"Ohno, she had coffee again?" the Doctor asked.

"She ALWAYS has coffee, Doctor. Report," Tuvok replied.

"Mr Kim is severely injured, he'll need to stay in Sickbay for a day to rest," the Doctor said.

"Mr Kim, what happened to Mr Paris?" Tuvok asked.

"They took him... they arrested him and let me go..." Harry stuttered.

"He's really shaken up, you should question him later," the Doctor said.

"Tell us what happened," Tuvok said, ignoring the Doctor. The Doctor groaned and walked away.

"He got really.... friendly with that scientists.... wife," Harry stuttered.

"Hurry up Harry boy, I need to get some more coffee," Kathryn said.

"Oh for god's sake... I'm trying to sound hurt here," Harry said.

"Please continue, Mr Kim," Tuvok said.

Harry tried his best to look like he was in pain again. "The scientist was murdered... they thought it was Tom."

"Oh my god, Tommy!" Kathryn screamed and she ran out the door. Tuvok watched her with a raised eyebrow.

Tuvok tapped his commbadge. "Tuvok to Bridge. Commander we'd better set a course for the planet Mr Kim and Paris went to."

In: "Right."

The planet:
Tom was walking backwards and forwards inside a nice big room. The door opened, Kathryn, Tuvok, and two aliens came in. Kathryn rushed up to Tom and she hugged him. Tuvok raised his eyebrow again.

"Er... Captain, need... air," Tom gasped.

Kathryn let go of Tom. "What happened, Tommy."

Tom rolled his eyes, "how much?"

"I have no idea, Lieutenant. It looks like she's had over ten cups," Tuvok replied.

"I said, what happened?" Kathryn growled, with a very scary look on her face.

"I was with the scientists wife one second, and the next somebody was waking me up in this prison. I didn't kill that guy," Tom said.

"I know you didn't, sweetie," Kathryn said.

"Uh.." Tom muttered.

"What are you going to do to him?" Kathryn asked.

"He has already been punished. We put something in his brain that'll make him see through his victims eyes, every now and then," the first alien replied.

"Mwahahahahaha," the doctor one laughed. He looked nervous as everyone's eyes were on him. "Bad cough, see..." the doctor guy said, he did a fake cough.

"I may as well conduct my own investigation, I haven't done one in this series yet," Tuvok said.

"Ooh yey," Tom said sarcastically. His eyes then widened in horror.

"What, what is it?" Kathryn asked.

"I... just.. oh my god. I just saw something in your hair," Tom replied nervously.

Kathryn screamed and ran out of the room. Once again Tuvok raised his eyebrow.

"Well, that got rid of her," Tom sighed.

"Mr Paris, have you read the Human tale about the boy who cried Worf?" Tuvok asked.

"Don't you mean Wolf?" Tom asked.

"No, it is Worf. I'm sure of it," Tuvok replied.

"Oh great, he's the one who's going to do all the investigating. I'm doomed," Tom said. His eyes widened again, after a few seconds of that, he collapsed.

"We must beam him to our Sickbay," Tuvok said.

"Noooooo, don't do that..." the doctor guy said quietly. "Suckers!" he yelled loudly. Everyone stared at him again. "Uhoh, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud again."

"If you take this prisoner aboard your ship, how do we know that you won't nick off?" the first alien asked.

"Why would we do that, I need to show everyone that I'm not useless," Tuvok replied.

"Haha, good luck," the doctor guy laughed.

Tuvok ignored the comment, he tapped his commbadge. "Tuvok to Voyager, beam myself and Mr Paris aboard."

In: "What about Janeway?"

"Who?" Tuvok asked.

In: "Ok, standby."

Tom and Tuvok dematerialised. Once they were gone the doctor guy laughed evilly again. "Now I'll get revenge for being shot, mwahahahahahaha!"

"What are you talking about?" the first alien asked.

"Uh, nothing. You're suppose to ignore me when I accidentally reveal I'm evil," the doctor guy replied.

"Oh sorry," the first alien said.

Meanwhile, the FVDA ship:
"Right, now I'm mad!" Rick muttered angrily.

"Me too. I bet that plot device is out of date too. If I die, I'm taking it to hell with me!" Johnny yelled.

"Out of date? What makes you think that?" Brannon asked.

"Well, it's led us here! Voyager was here in FV's first season," Johnny grumbled.

On the viewscreen we see a couple of Borg ships, one had a tractor beam on them. "We are the Borg, resistance as you know it is over. We will..."

"Yeah yeah, we heard it all from Jeri!" Brannon yelled.

"Hey!" Jeri exclaimed, with her hands on her hips.

"Oh sorry baby," Brannon said. He and Jeri started with the usual smooching.

"Ugh, do you mind?" Myleene moaned.

"We need to distract the Borg with a really annoying person," Rick said.

Everyone turned to Myleene. "Hey!" she screamed.

"We can't, they'll assimilate her without realising. Do you realise what that'll do to the Borg?" Johnny asked.

"Oh my god, if they assimilate Myleene then the Borg might learn how to get Borg Sluts.. er I mean Babes," Damien muttered.

"Wow, I'm a babe?" Myleene questioned.

"No, you're just big.. if you know what I mean," Damien said.

"Why thank you," Myleene said, with a tear in her eye.

"Why don't we send Jeri over?" Noel asked.

"We're trying to stop the Borg from getting her remember. If we let her get aboard we'll end up with some dull blonde bimbo in a catsuit," Johnny replied.

"Nooooooooooooooooo," everyone but Brannon, Rick and Jeri screamed.

"That doesn't sound so bad, beam her aboard!" Rick muttered.

"Aye aye, see ya Jeri," Brannon said. He pressed a button.

"Hey, I thought you loved me," Jeri moaned before she dematerialised.

"It's not her I love, you know what I mean," Brannon said slyly.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Rick said.

"Aaaah, high ratings," Brannon and Rick sighed.

One of the Borg Ships:
Jeri and the Borg Queen were both standing face to face, they were having a nice friendly chat.

"So they send me here as a distraction. I thought Brannon loved me. I'll have to start dating Kennith Biller now," Jeri cried.

"Hehe, Barbie and Ken," the Borg Queen giggled.

"Hey! I thought you were on my side!" Jeri exclaimed.

"Er... yeah, your side," the Borg Queen whispered. She turned around. "Little does she know I'm going to pretend to want revenge on the FVDA. I really want to assimilate her and them so I can destroy Voyager with their annoying nature. Oh and maybe assimilate that evil race known as the Coca Cola Company. Mwahahahaha," the Borg Queen laughed loudly.

"Er... you said that second part louder than the first part," Jeri said.

"Oh.. I hate it when that happens," the Borg Queen muttered. She turned around and she spent a few minutes hitting on a male Borg drone. She turned back around. "That's better, now do you want my help or not?"

"Hell yes!" Jeri replied happily.

The Borg Queen put her hands together like Mr Burns, "excellent."

Voyager, Jessie/James' Quarters:
James made his way into the bathroom, little did he know something was already in there. Once he had closed the door he heard a terrifying sound. He turned around, and looked inside the sonic shower. He saw a hissing fur ball, aka a cat, in there.

Flashback, August 2350:
Yes there is a meaning to this flashback, well actually no there isn't. You'll see. Anyway, let's set the scene, the flashback is based in James' old house in England. Susy Taylor, aka James' step mum, came in holding a really cuddly and innocent looking kitten.

She knelt down beside a really young looking James, we're talking about one year old here. She put down the cat. "Here Fluffy, you play with the kid. I'm going out." Susy then rushed out of the room.

As soon as Susy disappeared out the door baby James heard a hissing noise. Scared, he slowly glanced at the kitten. It's fur was standing on end, and it's tail was sticking in the air. Baby James started to get onto his feet as fast as he could but the kitten jumped on him.

Kathryn, high on coffee as usual, came into the room. She gasped in horror. "Oh my god, somebody's spilt that coffee!" She ran over to the coffee stain on the ground, but it was already dried up. She shrugged, "something else is wrong, but what can it be?" She sneezed a couple of times, then it hit her.

She looked down and she saw the kitten attacking baby James. She knelt down and grabbed the kitten. The kitten instantly calmed down and looked innocent again. She took it into the next room, she came back in and closed the door.

Susy then chose that moment to come back in. "Where's my Fluffy?" she asked. She looked at Kathryn.

"You blame me for everything, don't you. Your coffee starts to disappear, it's my fault. The decaf coffee gets fed to James, it's my fault...." Kathryn said.

"Eew, decaf?" baby James complained. He started coughing to try and get the taste away.

"Your husband has a drunken one night stand with me, it's my fault. And now your kitten attacks James, it's my fault!" Kathryn yelled.

Susy rolled her eyes. "That kitten is cute, that's why I got it. You don't think I got it cos cats don't like James, and that you're allergic to them, do you?"

"Yes... and one more thing. Who spilt that coffee?" Kathryn asked.

"I did, I knew it would p*** you off," Susy laughed. She went into the next room.

Flashback, December 2350:
Susy let Fluffy into the living room, little did she know baby James was there near the Christmas tree. The kitten once again jumped onto him. He managed to get a hold of it by one of it's legs, and he threw it into the wall.

Susy came in. "Oh my poor baby!" She ran straight to the kitten, she picked it up and cuddled it in her arms.

"B**ch," baby James said.

"No, it's a female cat, not a female dog. Dumb kid," Susy muttered.

Jessie came into the main part of the room through the main door. She gasped in disgust. "James, what are you doing?"

James was sitting on the sofa actually smoking, he looked rather nervous. "Well, I'm sitting."

"You quit smoking years ago, put that out now!" Jessie yelled.

James put the tab into a replicated cup. "Erm, there's something you need to know."

"Oh great, what is it?" Jessie asked.

"Well I kinda ran into your cat, and let's just say it's different to what it was like before," James replied.

"Wha.. what do you mean by that?" Jessie asked.

"Go in the bathroom and you'll see. But first, I'll just say it was an accident," James replied.

Jessie slowly looked inside the bathroom, she gasped in horror. "What the hell! How did you do that?"

"I was trying to get the damn thing off my leg, I knocked the razor onto it. The fur will grow back soon," James replied nervously.

Jessie came out of the bathroom holding a black cat with a shaved bit on it's back. "You.. you hurt my cat."

"Well it started it," James said.

"It's a cat, James!" Jessie yelled.

"Cats are evil, when I was a baby one kept attacking me," James said as he stood up.

"It's not the same one, that one is probably dead," Jessie said.

"Good, but that's not the point," James said.

"What do you expect me to say now then? Oh all's forgiven, I don't think so!" Jessie yelled as she stroked the cat. It gave James a really evil glance.

"It was an accident, I knew you'd act like this, that's why I got nervous and started smoking," James said.

"Am I suppose to feel sorry for you now?" Jessie muttered sarcastically.

"I don't believe it. That cat didn't attack me by accident, what happened to it was it's fault. It's typical, everyone favours a cat's safety over mine, even my own mother did," James said angrily.

"A cat is a cat, James, it was probably just playing with you. Get out of my sight," Jessie muttered.

"Why should I? Why don't you go into your room with your new boyfriend," James said.

"It's a girl!" Jessie yelled.

"Oh, that explains everything. You favour the cat cos it's a girl and I'm not," James said.

Jessie shuddered, she ran into her room.

"I knew that would work," James said quietly.

The planet:
Tuvok was standing inside somebody's house. An alien woman holding a dog was just sitting on a sofa.

"And that's what really happened," the woman said.

"I can tell you're lying," Tuvok said.

"How?" the woman asked.

"Well you're either lying or it's bad acting," Tuvok replied.

"Bad acting, I can't even play tennis for god's sake. I just practise looking good," the woman said.

"Very well, thank you," Tuvok said. He started to head out.

"Mr Tuvok. If you see Tom, tell him I'm sorry," the woman said.

Tuvok nodded, he left the house. When he did the woman laughed evilly.

The planet, an hour later:
Kathryn (still high on coffee), Tuvok, Tom, the doctor guy, the other guy, and the woman were all in the house. Some security type people were hanging around trying to look important.

Tuvok was smoking a pipe and had a really awful fake moustache on. Everyone was trying to keep a straight face, well actually Kathryn was trying to sit straight but she kept slipping off to the side.

"When I did a Mindmeld on Mr Paris here, I did see through the victims eyes. But I also saw some alien text on the bottom. I determine that somebody implanted the text into Mr Paris' mind to send someone a secret message," Tuvok said.

"A message? To who?" the guy asked, while trying not to laugh.

"To your bitter enemies, the.. er, what are they called again?" Tuvok asked.

Everyone shrugged. Tom groaned, "the writers really should research episodes that they're parodying before writing."

"Anyway, the only one that could of done that is the doctor," Tuvok said.

The doctor guy looked nervous, "don't be stupid, I don't work in alien writing. If I wanted to send a message I'd put it in English, idiot. Oops, ignore that."

"The aliens knew who the message bearer was and was sent to attack Voyager, but I had already guessed their plans," Tuvok said.

"How long's this going to take, Tuvie? I need to pee," Kathryn said.

"Thanks for sharing, hussy," the woman said. She noticed the camera was on her, she pulled some slutty faces at it.

"The one who implanted the message is obviously a spy, and thought that Mr Paris would be perfect to frame," Tuvok said.

"Frame? I saw him do it," the woman said. She saw the camera again, she blew a kiss at it.

"I haven't forgotten your testimony, in fact I was just getting to that. Mr Paris was given a lie detector test, he said that he had a drink with you and then woke up in a prison," Tuvok said.

"What was in that drink?" Tom asked.

"All right, I confess! I murdered that guy, but I didn't want to send a message to those aliens. I wanted to send a message to the FVDA, which I'm a member of," the doctor guy said.

"The what?" Tom asked.

The doctor guy and woman threw off their alien make up. The Team Rocket music started.

"Prepare for trouble," the woman said.

"Make it double," the doctor guy said.

"To protect annoying famous people from deserved bashings," the woman said.

"To unite more annoying famous people to join our thrashings," the doctor guy said.

"To denounce the evils of power and wealth," the woman said.

"To spread our annoying skills like wind blowing leaves," the doctor guy said.

"Anna Kournikova," the woman said.

"Enrique Inglesias," the doctor guy said.

"FVDA destroys Fifth Voyager at the speed of light," Anna said.

"Join or help us now or we'll attack you out of spite," Enrique said.

"Er, bad rhyming," Tom muttered.

"Um, that's right," Enrique said.

"Security people, take them away!" the other guy ordered.

The security people came over to Enrique and Anna. "Ha, you can't arrest us. The FVDA ship will probably be in orbit right now, ready to beam us up," Anna said.

"We're being hailed by the Borg ship we beamed Jeri over too," Johnny said.

"On screen," Rick commanded.

On the viewscreen was the Borg Queen and Jeri Ryan borgified.

"I am Jericute-os of Borg, resistance is spotless," Jeri said.

"Useless, you bimbo!" the Borg Queen yelled.

"Whatever, the FVDA is no more. We will add your annoying personalities and bad TV/music taste to our own," Jericute-os of Borg said.

"Or we could just activate the bomb we put in Jeri, mwahahaha," Damien laughed.

"Huh, what bomb?" everyone but Damien asked.

"I placed a bomb that'll go off at my command ages ago," Damien replied.

"Why didn't you use it before you imbecile?" Brannon muttered.

"I forgot about it," Damien replied. Everyone collapsed. "I'll get the button." He pulled out a remote with a huge red button saying 'do not push unless you really mean it." He pressed the button. There was a huge explosion. The FVDA ship went flying and so did bits of the Borg ship.

"Uhoh.... looks like FVDA is blasting off again!" everyone screamed. The ship went into warp, as it looked anyway, and it made a pinging noise. Don't ask how, there's no sound in space.

Janeway's Ready Room:
Kathryn came in, she went over to her supply of coffee pizza. She opened one of the boxes and she sneezed a few times. "Oh my god! There's a cat eating my coffee pizza!" she screamed. In actual fact the cat was lying dead in the box.

Chakotay rushed in. "What, what's wrong?"

"This cat ate all my pizza," Kathryn replied, she sneezed again.

"I think it's dead," Chakotay muttered.

"Good, no one gets away with eating my coffee pizza," Kathryn said. The camera started to zoom in. "No one." The camera then went too close and knocked her unconscious.

The FVDA ship jumped out of warp, still flying out of control, it went towards a planet. A few seconds later it crashed on a beach.

Some weird looking aliens in yellow bikinis were walking along the beach, they saw the ship. Also they saw all of the FVDA members climbing out of a smashed window.

"What is that?" one alien asked.

"That one looks like Brannon Braga, and that one looks like Myleene from Hear'say. Oh god, all of Hear'say's here," the second alien replied.

"Oh crap, there goes the pop business," the first alien muttered. The other one nodded.

Will we see the FVDA members again? Will there be anymore annoying celebrities joining? Will Marill get flamed by the celebrities fans? Dumb question. What was Marill on when she wrote this anyway? Why do cats not like James? Why did Neelix streak when he was drunk? Do we really want to know the answer? And has Janeway drank all of her years supply of coffee already?
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of B4 Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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