time on B4 Fifth Voyager
"Captain, can I have a promotion?" Craig asked.
"Oh sure!" Kathryn giggled. She handed Craig a pip, he put it onto his collar.
"Can I have another one?" Craig asked.
"Sure!" Kathryn laughed. She handed Craig another pip while Harry watched nearby. Craig walked away.
Harry then went over to Kathryn. "Captain, can I have a promotion?"
"Sure!" Kathryn laughed. She put her hand in her pocket, she pulled it back out. "Sorry, ran out of pips."
"I know, I was just trying to get your hopes up. You leave tomorrow at 0800 hours," Chakotay said. He walked away. Neelix pushed passed him and streaked across the room. Even the drunks looked terrified.
"You know I think he's taking the break up with Kes really well," Lisa said to Faye.
"I can't believe I used to date him," Kes said.
"How about we actually act like villains instead of wasting time playing cards," Damien replied.
"Besides we can't appear to the Voyager crew in this series since we don't properly appear until the main series," Rick said.
"I can though, mwahahahaha!" Damien laughed as he pulled a lollipop out of his pocket. He unwrapped it and put it into his mouth.
"So who can appear in this bloody episode?" Johnny asked.
"Every other member of Hear'say, and Damien," Brannon replied.
"Why Damien, doesn't he seem like a harmless troublemaker until late Season 1?" Rick asked.
"Well when Damien appeared no one asked 'who the hell are you', so we can get away with it," Brannon replied.
Damien finally stopped staring at Osama in awe. "Oh Osama, you're my hero!"
Everyone fell off their chairs. Rick climbed back on his first. "Don't say that Damien, we're risking a flame just having him in this episode!"
"So sue me, I love this guy. I wish I could be as evil as him," Damien said.
"Nah, you just got drunk and streaked in the Mess Hall," James said.
"What, I was naked?" Neelix exclaimed. B'Elanna shuddered.
"You didn't see it!" Jessie yelled. James put a hand on her shoulder.
"Calm down, just don't think about it," James said.
"That's easy for you to say," B'Elanna muttered.
"Wait a minute.... oh my god, I just noticed... you're a guy. Get away from me!" Jessie screamed, she ran away from the group.
"He got really.... friendly with that scientists.... wife," Harry stuttered.
"Hurry up Harry boy, I need to get some more coffee," Kathryn said.
"Oh for god's sake... I'm trying to sound hurt here," Harry said.
"Please continue, Mr Kim," Tuvok said.
Harry tried his best to look like he was in pain again. "The scientist was murdered... they thought it was Tom."
"I was with the scientists wife one second, and the next somebody was waking me up in this prison. I didn't kill that guy," Tom said.
"I know you didn't, sweetie," Kathryn said.
"Uh.." Tom muttered.
"What are you going to do to him?" Kathryn asked.
"He has already been punished. We put something in his brain that'll make him see through his victims eyes, every now and then," the first alien replied.
"We must beam him to our Sickbay," Tuvok said.
"Noooooo, don't do that..." the doctor guy said quietly. "Suckers!" he yelled loudly. Everyone stared at him again. "Uhoh, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud again."
Tom and Tuvok dematerialised. Once they were gone the doctor guy laughed evilly again. "Now I'll get revenge for being shot, mwahahahahahaha!"
"What are you talking about?" the first alien asked.
"Uh, nothing. You're suppose to ignore me when I accidentally reveal I'm evil," the doctor guy replied.
"We need to distract the Borg with a really annoying person," Rick said.
Everyone turned to Myleene. "Hey!" she screamed.
"We're trying to stop the Borg from getting her remember. If we let her get aboard we'll end up with some dull blonde bimbo in a catsuit," Johnny replied.
"That doesn't sound so bad, beam her aboard!" Rick muttered.
"Aye aye, see ya Jeri," Brannon said. He pressed a button.
"Hey, I thought you loved me," Jeri moaned before she dematerialised.
"Aaaah, high ratings," Brannon and Rick sighed.
"Er... yeah, your side," the Borg Queen whispered. She turned around. "Little does she know I'm going to pretend to want revenge on the FVDA. I really want to assimilate her and them so I can destroy Voyager with their annoying nature. Oh and maybe assimilate that evil race known as the Coca Cola Company. Mwahahahaha," the Borg Queen laughed loudly.
"I can tell you're lying," Tuvok said.
"How?" the woman asked.
"Well you're either lying or it's bad acting," Tuvok replied.
"Bad acting, I can't even play tennis for god's sake. I just practise looking good," the woman said.
"When I did a Mindmeld on Mr Paris here, I did see through the victims eyes. But I also saw some alien text on the bottom. I determine that somebody implanted the text into Mr Paris' mind to send someone a secret message," Tuvok said.
"A message? To who?" the guy asked, while trying not to laugh.
"To your bitter enemies, the.. er, what are they called again?" Tuvok asked.
"Anyway, the only one that could of done that is the doctor," Tuvok said.
The doctor guy looked nervous, "don't be stupid, I don't work in alien writing. If I wanted to send a message I'd put it in English, idiot. Oops, ignore that."
"The aliens knew who the message bearer was and was sent to attack Voyager, but I had already guessed their plans," Tuvok said.
"The one who implanted the message is obviously a spy, and thought that Mr Paris would be perfect to frame," Tuvok said.
"Frame? I saw him do it," the woman said. She saw the camera again, she blew a kiss at it.
"I haven't forgotten your testimony, in fact I was just getting to that. Mr Paris was given a lie detector test, he said that he had a drink with you and then woke up in a prison," Tuvok said.
"What was in that drink?" Tom asked.
"All right, I confess! I murdered that guy, but I didn't want to send a message to those aliens. I wanted to send a message to the FVDA, which I'm a member of," the doctor guy said.
"Prepare for trouble," the woman said.
"Make it double," the doctor guy said.
"To protect annoying famous people from deserved bashings," the woman said.
"To unite more annoying famous people to join our thrashings," the doctor guy said.
"To denounce the evils of power and wealth," the woman said.
"To spread our annoying skills like wind blowing leaves," the doctor guy said.
"Anna Kournikova," the woman said.
"Enrique Inglesias," the doctor guy said.
"FVDA destroys Fifth Voyager at the speed of light," Anna said.
"Join or help us now or we'll attack you out of spite," Enrique said.
"I am Jericute-os of Borg, resistance is spotless," Jeri said.
"Useless, you bimbo!" the Borg Queen yelled.
"Whatever, the FVDA is no more. We will add your annoying personalities and bad TV/music taste to our own," Jericute-os of Borg said.
"Uhoh.... looks like FVDA is blasting off again!" everyone screamed. The ship went into warp, as it looked anyway, and it made a pinging noise.
"That one looks like Brannon Braga, and that one looks like Myleene from Hear'say. Oh god, all of Hear'say's here," the second alien replied.
"Oh crap, there goes the pop business," the first alien muttered. The other one nodded.
now the conclusion
Everyone on the Bridge was either shaking their heads or rolling their eyes. Kathryn was sitting in her chair sobbing her eyes out.
"It's not fair, not fair," Kathryn sobbed.
"Yeh, how dare they wait this long to split," Tom sniggered. Everyone laughed in agreement.
"Don't be nasty Tom, they showed how any old nobody can achieve," Kathryn said.
"Don't you mean they showed how people who can't sing can get into the pop business," Tom said.
"Hey I just thought of something, Myleene's just like Seven," Jessie said.
"Uh, this is Season 1 of B4FV, not Season 1 of proper FV," Tom said.
"Oh... damn it," Jessie muttered.
"Wait a minute, in our view they split up less than 370 years ago, and probably died 300 odd years ago. Why do we care now?" Chakotay asked.
"Good question, it's not like they're alive now or anything," Harry said.
"Good thing too, god bless the 24th century," Tom said.
Kathryn threw an empty coffee cup at Tom, it smashed against his head. She then rushed over to the smashed pieces. "My poor baby! Thanks Tom, you've made me smash a perfectly good cup."
"Oh, you're welcome," Tom said.
Kathryn started crying again and she ran into her Ready Room.
"Thank you, Tom," everyone said.
"Anytime," Tom grinned.
on the FVDA ship:
"Mwahahaha, little do they know.. we're alive now. Thanks to the good old invention called the, er what was it called?" Myleene asked. The rest of the ex-band groaned.
"Stasis Unit," Suzanne replied.
"Smarty pants!" Myleene exclaimed.
"Hehe, she's a dumb blonde yet she knows more than her," Noel whispered to Danny.
"Shut up! I'll show you all, I'm gonna become a solo artist! I think I'll duet with the guy who sings the Enterprise theme tune!" Myleene yelled. Everyone else collapsed Pokémon style.
"Why didn't I see that one coming?" Johnny asked.
"That's a bit of an insult to Faye Tozer," Noel muttered.
"Oh yeah, me and Danny are becoming a duo," Suzanne said.
"Since when?" Danny asked.
"Since now, I'll be the dumb blonde with the big gob, and you'll be the gay one," Suzanne replied.
"Cool, we'll call ourselves D and Suzanne," Danny said.
"I'm going to be in Grease," Noel said.
"No, I am! I'm not being Lisa, I'm getting married to her.." Johnny said.
"I always thought you'd marry yourself," Danny said.
"Hmm, good idea," Johnny muttered.
"I'm not going to that wedding," Noel said. They turned to the computer and watched the Voyager crew on a small TV screen.
Damien came into the room with a new recruit. "Would you losers stop spying on Voyager, I've got a new recruit. This is Gwen Stefani," Damien said.
"Who?" everyone else muttered.
"From No Doubt," Damien grumbled.
"Oh, her," Danny said, still no clue what he was on about.
"Hi, hehehehehe!" Gwen laughed.
"Ugh, not another loopy one," Myleene said. Everyone stared at her and raised their eyebrows.
"Hey wait a minute, is she just here to replace Jeri? We don't need two blondes," Danny asked.
"Don't worry, it ain't natural," Damien replied.
"What, and Jeri's was?" Danny asked.
"Hehehehe, we're going to be good friends," Gwen giggled.
Damien went over to the five ex-bandmates. "She's here so you can teach her how to break up a band. The three guys wouldn't join the FVDA, but if they're bandmates they have too." He walked out of the room.
"Soo, does anyone like you?" Suzanne asked.
"Everyone loves me, hehehehehe," Gwen laughed.
"Ha, that's a surprise! I'm liked cos I have big.." Myleene said.
"Gob, she has a big gob," Danny cut in.
"I didn't want to say that! Are you a guy, Gwen?" Myleene asked.
"No, hehehehehe," Gwen replied.
"You got married didn't you Gwen?" Johnny asked.
"Yeh, twice... hehehehe," Gwen laughed.
"Er... ok. I just want your opinion, should I wear a white dress or a pink?" Johnny asked.
"Oh god, you're going to marry yourself in a dress?" Suzanne asked.
"Yep, screw Lisa... I'd be a better wife than her. I love me, I love me!" Johnny yelled as he danced around.
"Yeh, we all knew that," Noel muttered.
"I'd think he'd suit pink," Gwen said.
"Hey you didn't laugh," Danny said.
"Oh sorry, hehehehehe!" Gwen laughed louder than usual.
Osama, Damien, Brannon and Rick came into the room. "Ok gang, what shall we do this episode?" Rick asked.
"Come to my wedding!" Johnny yelled.
"Poor Lisa," Damien sniggered.
"I know, I know, she'll just have to marry H instead. I'm marrying myself," Johnny said.
"Isn't H gay?" Danny asked.
"You can talk," Suzanne replied.
"Hmm... Lisa and H, there's something that's never been thought up," Brannon said.
"Uh, you don't know Fifth Voyager well do you?" Rick asked.
"Nope, but I shouldn't have to. Get those actors and marry them at gunpoint," Brannon replied.
"What the hell for?" Damien asked.
"To get out of Johnny's wedding," Brannon whispered.
"I have a better idea, a more realistic and fun one too. There's a shuttle going on a mission, we could follow that," Osama said.
"How's that fun?" Damien asked.
"We could put a bomb in it," Osama replied.
"That's how all your plans end," Rick muttered.
"Hey, you leave my hero alone," Damien said.
"Why should I? This guy lives to be mocked," Rick said.
"We could follow the shuttle. If there's a lot of main cast in it then we can hold them hostage," Brannon said.
"But.. I want to marry me now! I can't wait any longer," Johnny said.
"Just plan it out, on your own," Suzanne said.
"Ok," Johnny said. He sat down and started to write something on a PADD.
"Come on people, we've got a shuttle to catch," Brannon said.
"We've already got an away team going out, are you sure we can spare more characters?" Chakotay asked.
Everyone burst out laughing. "With this cast, hell no!" Harry replied.
"Fine. Harry, B'Elanna, you're with me," Chakotay said.
In: "Janeway to Kim, aren't you suppose to be on our mission!"
"Ah nuts," Harry muttered. He left through the turbolift.
"So who's going to replace him?" Chakotay asked. He looked around the room. He saw Danny at the helm, Jessie at the Engineering station, Tuvok at Tactical, and an unknown ensign at opps. James just came onto the Bridge. "James, you're on the mission."
"Huh? What mission?" James asked.
Tuvok groaned. "Just because I was in the last episode doesn't mean that someone, who was in the last episode too, should get chosen over me."
"Oh come, Tuvok. This episode has a subplot, the original didn't. You can come if you want to," Chakotay said.
"What mission?" James asked again.
"Come on," Chakotay groaned. He and Tuvok went into the turbolift. James followed.
"Who's in command?" Jessie asked.
"Me," Danny and the unknown ensign said in unison.
Neelix came onto the Bridge. "Me." Jessie's eyes widened and she ran into the Ready Room. "Why does she keep doing that?"
asteroid in orbit of a planet:
Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna and James were walking through a cavern filled with what looked like cobwebs. They eventually reached a dead end where there were loads of dead people wrapped in some white stuff.
"Oh great, mummies," James muttered.
B'Elanna and Chakotay glanced at each other and groaned. "Why did you bring him?" B'Elanna asked.
"No reason," Chakotay replied.
"We'd better scan them," Tuvok said.
"Why?" B'Elanna asked.
"I do not know, they did in the original," Tuvok replied.
"No they didn't and we won't either. We'll just examine them by looking at them," Chakotay said.
"Once again, why?" B'Elanna asked.
"Because there's nothing better to do, obviously," Chakotay replied.
B'Elanna, Tuvok and James looked around for a few seconds and looked back at Chakotay.
"Learn anything?" Chakotay asked.
"They're dead and naked," B'Elanna replied.
"They have white stuff all over them," James replied.
"They're dead," Tuvok replied.
"I said that already," B'Elanna said.
"Oh come on, you didn't figure out anything else. For one thing these people don't believe in dressing their dead. They don't believe that objects can be taken into the afterlife," Chakotay said.
"Who cares?" James moaned.
"I do," Chakotay replied.
"I thought the whole point of this mission was to get a sample of the new element," B'Elanna said.
"B'Elanna, how else are we going to be able to learn about their culture?" Chakotay asked.
"I'll tell you, if someone suddenly appears on their planet. Ain't going to happen," B'Elanna replied.
A bright light took over the whole cavern. Everyone pulled out tricorders at the same time. Chakotay tapped his commbadge. "Chakotay to Voyager, beam us up now!"
"Ok smoochums," Seska said, she pulled a disgusted face as she did. She worked at the station.
After lots of attempts Chakotay, B'Elanna, Tuvok and one of the bodies appeared on the transporter pad.
"Well that was a fun mission," B'Elanna said.
"Thanks Seska," Chakotay said. He and Tuvok headed out.
"Wait.. aren't we forgetting something?" B'Elanna asked.
"I don't think so," Chakotay said innocently.
"James isn't here, one of bodies is here," B'Elanna said.
"Are you sure it isn't him?" Tuvok asked.
"It looks like a girl," B'Elanna muttered.
"Are you sure it isn't him?" Chakotay asked. B'Elanna rolled her eyes.
"According to the scanner, he isn't anywhere in the area," Seska said.
"Ah nuts, Janeway's going to kill me," Chakotay muttered.
"She is?" everyone said questioningly.
"Er... maybe. Anyone got any spare coffee?" Chakotay asked.
on a planet:
Some aliens were surrounding what looked like a massive coffin. Some guy was blabbering on as the others looked really upset. They heard banging coming from inside the coffin.
"She's alive, quick.. open it," one guy said.
Another person pressed a button, the coffin thing opened. James came out of it looking rather freaked out.
Tom was flying the shuttle, Harry was sitting next to him working. Kathryn and Kes were sitting next to each other talking. Little did the four know the FVDA ship was following them under cloak.
"Do you know who's there?" Rick asked.
"Janeway, Kes, Paris, and Kim," Johnny replied. Rick turned to him he screamed like a girl.
"Johnny, are you wearing a veil?" Rick asked.
"Er.. no," Johnny replied nervously. He took the veil off his head and threw it at Danny. It landed on his head.
"Aargh, get it off.. get it off!" Danny panicked. He calmed down quickly, "hey I suit this. Who's a pretty boy?"
"Not him that's for sure," Noel said.
"You can talk," Suzanne said.
"Stop saying that," Damien grumbled.
"The shuttle's heading towards a planet, so it looks," Johnny said as he sorted his hair out.
"Good, they'll crash there and we can get them easily. Pursuit," Brannon said.
"Aye sir," Johnny said.
Meanwhile on the shuttlecraft, Harry was panicking like mad.
"Tom, you're heading for a storm, go up!" Harry exclaimed.
"Oops, taking us up now," Tom said.
The shuttle flew up at the last minute, the FVDA ship crashed straight into the storm.
"You idiot, didn't you detect that storm?" Rick yelled.
"The shuttle was in the way," Johnny muttered.
"You'll pay for this, I'm going to make Myleene your bridesmaid," Rick said. Johnny swallowed hard.
There was an explosion and the FVDA ship shot off into the distance. "We're blasting off again!" they all screamed. There was the usual pinging sound.
"What was that?" Kathryn asked.
"Something in the storm exploded. Don't worry it wasn't us, we can land safely now," Tom replied. Everyone laughed.
"We're in a shuttle, there's no such thing as landing safely," Kes said.
"We'll see," Tom said.
of Part I
few minutes later:
The shuttle was now stuck in a cliff side. Kathryn, Kes, Tom and Harry went through a hole in the hull, they climbed down the cliff side.
"I told you," Kes said.
"Ok, ok, you made your point," Tom said.
"Well we'd better head to town," Kathryn said.
"What's this mission all about anyway?" Harry asked.
"Er... you'll see," Kathryn stuttered. She rushed ahead of the others, they slowly followed her.
James and some alien guy were inside a small room. Another alien came into the room, he went straight over to James. The other guy kept glancing over.
"Greetings, my name is... ok the writers don't know, just call me Hahoni," the guy said.
"Um, I'm James," James said.
"Unusual. Where did you come from?" Hahoni asked.
"Well I was in this asteroid in orbit of a planet, there was this bright light then I was in that coffin," James replied.
"Coffin?" Hahoni said questioningly.
"Where you found me, what's it called?" James asked.
"Once again the writers have no idea, we'll just call it a Joni," Hahoni replied.
"Right whatever. Is this a dream?" James asked.
"No. We believe that you came from the higher plane of existence," Hahoni replied.
"The what?" James said questioningly.
"The higher plane of existence. You should know, you were there. Now tell me what's it like?" Hahoni asked.
"What was what like?" James asked.
"Where you were before," Hahoni replied.
"Dark, there was a lot of white stuff around.. kinda like cobwebs. There was also a few dead people there," James said.
"Are you saying when we die we rot in an asteroid?" Hahoni asked in disgust.
"Your bodies do, don't ask me where your souls go," James replied.
"I do not understand. If that's true then how come you came back?" Hahoni asked.
"I don't know, I just want to get back," James replied.
"I'd better inform the others," Hahoni said. He rushed out of the room. The other guy came over.
"Are you really from the next life?" he asked.
"The last time I checked I wasn't," James muttered in response.
"Janeway is on her way to the Bridge now, she and Mr Paris had something to take care of elsewhere," Tuvok said.
Chakotay looked panicky. "Er, I'll be in my office." He rushed out.
"Why's he so afraid of Janeway coming back?" Danny asked.
"I don't know, I don't care either. Because of her I lost my episode to James," Harry grumbled.
"Don't you remember the original version?" Jessie asked.
Harry thought for a little while, his eyes widened. "Oh my god, forget I said anything."
"Aren't you going to tell me? I don't know what happened," Jessie said.
"You'll find out," Harry said.
"She probably won't, James isn't going to say exactly the same thing Harry did, he won't do the same things either," Danny said.
"Oh shut up Danny, we all know it's going to end the same way. He's a main character, not a guest star," Harry said.
Kathryn and Tom came onto the Bridge. They took their places, Danny went to the Science station.
"Report?" Kathryn said.
"The mission did not go well, Captain," Tuvok said.
"But all you had to do was take some of that new element," Kathryn said.
"We could not find it Captain, all we found was a resting ground," Tuvok said.
"Typical. Where is Commander Chakotay?" Kathryn asked.
"He's hiding," Danny replied.
"What? Why?" Kathryn asked.
"He lost James," Danny replied.
Tom perked up, "really? Cool!"
Jessie looked around her console, she picked up a tricorder and threw it at Tom. It hit him in the back of the head.
"Ow! Who threw that!" he yelled.
"What? He lost James, how in hell did he do that?" Kathryn asked, trying not to show the panic in her voice.
"He didn't hold Chakotay's hand like he was told too," Tom said. Two tricorders hit him this time. He looked at Danny then at Jessie, both just smiled at him.
"Surely he's on that asteroid somewhere, you can easily beam him up," Kathryn said.
"Ensign Seska tried, he wasn't anywhere on the asteroid," Tuvok said.
"Oh god, not Seska," Jessie muttered.
The ship shook violently. "What was that?" Kathryn asked.
"A group of people have just appeared in several parts of the ship," Tuvok replied.
"Intruder Alert! Where abouts?" Kathryn asked.
"Decks 12, 9, 4, and 1," Tuvok replied.
"Arm yourselves," Kathryn ordered.
Everyone did so, Tom armed himself with some tricorders. A few people charged into the Bridge from the turbolift, holding signs and bricks.
"You can't shoot fans, lower your weapons," Kathryn said.
"They're fans, how can you tell?" Tom asked.
"Look at that sign," Kathryn replied. She pointed to one of the signs. It said, "Voyager is not Baywatch!"
"Er John, wrong sign," one fan said.
The fan with the Baywatch sign threw it away. It hit Tom in the head, he fell unconscious. Most of the fans gasped.
"You hit Tom!" one girl yelled.
Everyone ganged up on the fan and beat him up.
"What are you fans doing here?" Kathryn asked when the fighting stopped.
"We're here to protest about the treatment of Harry and Tom," one fan replied.
"About time," Harry grumbled.
"We're getting tired of that extra character stealing their episodes," one fan said.
"We want to have a go at him," another fan said.
"Haha, good luck," Tom said as he woke up.
"What do you mean?" one fan asked.
"He's missing," Tom replied.
"All right! That'll do!" one fan yelled. Another fan smacked him.
"You idiot, he's missing cos he stole Harry's episode!" another fan yelled.
"What have you got against James anyway?" Jessie asked.
"It's her, let's throw a tricorder at her!" one fan yelled.
"That's enough!" Kathryn screamed VERY loudly. Jessie ducked as a tricorder was thrown at her. Everyone went quiet too. "It's not James' fault that he replaces Tom and Harry. It's not Danny & Jessie's fault that they throw tricorders at Tom."
"Yes it is," Tom moaned as he rubbed his head.
"No, the writers make them do it," Kathryn said.
"Hey, that's right. Let's go and get revenge on them!" one fan yelled. All the fans left through the turbolift.
"Captain, that was mean," Tom said.
"I know, but the fans can't do anything to the writers," Kathryn said.
"Uh, why not?" Tom asked.
"Have you seen the cast list? They are not even on it," Kathryn replied.
"Oh," Tom muttered.
"You see I'm here to die," the alien guy said. He was wrapping himself in bandages.
"Uh, that's nice," James muttered.
"That's what we all thought. Everyone looks forward to the day when they die and go into the second life. Now that I've been talking to you a voice in my head has appeared," the guy said.
"Yeah I do that a lot to people," James said jokingly.
"No, I mean there's a voice telling me not to go through with the ceremony. That's my fear," the guy said.
"Why not back out of it?" James asked.
"I can't, my family have worked so hard to look after me. I'm no use to them. This was their idea," the guy replied.
"So your family wants you dead?" James asked.
"They thought it was for the best," the guy replied.
"Sounds familiar," James muttered.
"They came here for this ceremony, I'm going to give it to them," the guy said.
"Wait. You said earlier that you have a friend in the mountains or something, didn't you?" James asked.
"Yes, what are you getting at?" the guy asked.
"Well I really want to get back, the only way I know of is to go into that Joni again. If I take your place you could go and live in the mountains," James replied.
The guy thought for a little while. "The Joni will kill you, you know that?"
"I'm hoping that my ship will be able to revive me when they find me," James said.
"You're hoping?" the guy said nervously.
"There's a good chance that they'll have given up and left. There's a bigger chance that they haven't, they have to wait for Janeway's shuttle to come back," James said.
"Sounds to me that they don't care about you," the guy said.
"I don't care, to be honest. What do you say?" James asked.
The guy started unwrapping himself. "We haven't got much time. I'll show you how to put the bandages on."
"Thanks, I've always wanted to be a mummy," James said sarcastically.
The guy's eyes widened. "I thought you were a guy."
"There's two types of mummies, oh forget it," James muttered.
"Captain, we really should leave," Tuvok said.
"But..." Kathryn said.
"Captain, staying here will kill us eventually," Tom said.
"How?" Danny asked.
"Ugh, that's what happens when we miss out scenes," Harry muttered.
"We can't go, James still hasn't been found," Jessie said.
"But we might die," Tom said.
"Mr Paris has a point, we have to go," Kathryn said, trying to hide the sadness in her voice. She stood up, she went over to Tom. "Tom, take us..."
"Captain, another body has appeared. It's human and it's dead, why did I see that one coming," Harry said.
"Oh my god, beam him to Sickbay!" Kathryn exclaimed. She and Jessie went into the turbolift.
"Somebody get me up, I'm stuck in my chair," Danny muttered.
"Nah, you're better off there. If it's the same as the original James'll be in the same state as all the other bodies," Harry said.
"Eeew, that's not what I want to think about," Tom muttered.
The Doctor, Lee and Kes were busy trying to revive James as Kathryn and Jessie came into the room. Kes injected James with a hypospray. Everyone stood around like they were waiting for something.
"Lee?" the Doctor muttered.
"Oh, sorry," Lee said quickly. He rushed over to the console, he fiddled with it.
"It worked," Kes said.
James woke up, he looked around and Kathryn was the first person he saw. Jessie pushed her out of the way. She stood beside him and grabbed his hand.
"Don't do that again, ok," Jessie said.
Kathryn, looking rather teed off that is, went over to stand behind the biobed. Without Jessie noticing she pushed a few strands of hair out of James' eyes. He looked rather worried as she did. So did Lee, the Doctor and Kes.
"He'll need, er a few days to recover. I'll be in my office," the Doctor said. He rushed into his office.
Lee went over to stand beside Kes. "Does she like him or something?"
Kes' eyes widened, "I hope you're talking about Jessie."
Jessie overheard, then she noticed what Kathryn was doing. Yeah she was still fiddling with James' hair.
"What the hell are you doing, you weirdo?" Jessie asked.
Kathryn looked shocked, "uhoh. Um, you didn't see that." She rushed out of the room.
"I hope for everyone's sake that she is high on coffee," Lee said.
"Oh come on, it really isn't that bad. With Harry she had a hand on his chest as well," Kes said.
"Eeeew," Jessie and James moaned in unison.
"She must like younger men," Kes added.
"Either that or she's trying to adopt a son," Lee sniggered. Everyone rolled their eyes. Lee looked confused. "What, mine's a better theory?"
the Mess Hall:
James was sitting on his own, well actually he wasn't, he was with a Cherry Coke bottle. Kathryn came in, she went straight over to his table. He pretended not to notice.
"Um, at ease," Kathryn said. She sat down next to him, as she did James moved a bit to the right. "Ok, about before. I um..."
"I don't want to know, thanks," James said quickly.
"I was worried about your well being, that's all," Kathryn said.
"That's a funny joke," James said.
"No, it's true. As you may know I worry over Harry as well. You know why?" Kathryn asked.
"No, don't care," James replied.
Kathryn sighed, "because in a way you're both like me."
"Are you trying to be a comedian or something?" James asked.
"Are you?" Kathryn muttered. James shrugged, he drank some of his Cherry Coke. "Harry's the more dedicated part of me. The side of me that is dedicated to Starfleet. I was shy and a suck up in my first assignment. I want to help him because no one helped me."
"Ok, that's nice," James said.
"You are the arrogant side of me, the part that's stubborn and in some ways intimidating. I hated that side of me. I still try to block that side. You see, I don't want you to continue being the way you are, I know that you can be a nice person, when you want to be," Kathryn said.
"No one's said that to me in a while," James said.
"Maybe because you've been a bit intimidating to some people, like Tom for example," Kathryn said.
"Tom's just annoying, he deserves it," James said.
"Sometimes he does yes, my point is I want to help you and Harry. You both have to become more like each other," Kathryn said.
"What if I don't want to?" James asked.
"All I'm suggesting is become a bit more dedicated to what you do, try and keep your temper. Harry needs to loosen up a bit more. Get what I'm saying?" Kathryn asked.
"I guess, still doesn't explain why you were touching me before," James replied.
"James, I'm getting old. I am far away from my fiancée, there is no way I'll ever have children of my own. I see you and Harry as the children I never had. I know, it sounds dumb to you," Kathryn said.
"That's strange," James said.
"How?" Kathryn asked.
"No offense but you reminded me of my own mum when we first got trapped here," James replied.
"I see," Kathryn said. She thought, "that is a rather big insult, Susy is a b**ch."
"Not now though, you seem like a mother, but the only thing you have in common with my mum is that you're both bossy," James said.
"But that's it, right?" Kathryn asked.
"Well I don't know, you seemed to go nuts when I started going out with Jessie," James replied.
Kathryn looked nervous, "well that was just worry." She stood up. "Now remember you've got two more days off. I hope when you get back you'll remember what I said." She walked away.
One room was set out like a mini church. Rick was at the front with a book. Danny, Brannon, Noel, Osama and Suzanne were all in the audience. Johnny was standing nearby Rick. Damien rushed down, he whispered something in his ear.
"Oh right," Johnny said. He rushed back up the aisle.
"I'm not looking forward to this," Noel said.
"I am, I have to get a picture of him in the dress," Danny said. He had a small camera on his lap.
"God, you are gay," Suzanne muttered.
"No I'm not. Come on, don't you want to see him in the dress, Noel?" Danny asked.
"Actually yes," Noel replied.
"Me too," Brannon and Osama said.
"You're all gay," Suzanne muttered.
"I know I am," Osama said. Suzanne slapped her forehead.
Then the usual wedding music started. Gwen, while giggling her head off, made her way down the aisle. She was throwing confetti over everyone. Osama picked up some and ate it.
Then came the scary moment, Johnny and Myleene came down the aisle. Johnny had a long white dress on, with flowers on. He even had the bridal veil on his head. He was holding a bouquet of flowers. Myleene had a white dress on too that left nothing to the imagination. They both got to the front.
"Erm, we are all gathered here today to join Johnny Shentall and er Johnny Shentall in the bonds of holy matrimony," Rick said.
"Yeah, get on with it," Johnny said.
"Do you, Johnny Shentall, take Johnny to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Rick asked.
"I do," Johnny said.
"Do you, Johnny Shentall, take Johnny to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Rick asked.
"I do, of course," Johnny said.
Gwen handed him one ring, and Damien handed him another while trying to keep a straight face. Johnny put both rings on the same finger.
"By the power blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife. You can kiss yourself," Rick said.
"How's he going to do that?" Noel asked.
Damien pulled a tall mirror over to Johnny. He gave the mirror a long kiss after removing the veil. Afterwards he adjusted his hair.
Suzanne, Gwen and Myleene then went behind him, he threw the bouquet. Gwen caught it.
"Hehehehehe, third wedding here I come!" she giggled.
"Oh who cares, I'm already engaged anyway," Suzanne muttered as she walked away.
"Oh no fair! Why can't I get and keep a guy! Aren't I big enough? I'd better get some implants," Myleene said. She walked away.
Johnny then skipped down the aisle singing, "I love me, I love me!"
"Thank god that's over," Damien said.
"Yeah, he'll go on a honeymoon with himself soon, so we'll get rid of him," Brannon said.
"Hey guys, I got pictures, I'll develop them now," Danny said. He rushed out.
"Wait a minute, how the hell is he going to consummate the marriage?" Brannon asked. Everyone's faces went pale.
"This is a PG, we shouldn't even ask that question let alone imagine the answer," Rick said.
"Good point, let's go," Damien said. He, Noel, Brannon and Rick left the room. Osama knelt down on the floor and started eating all the confetti.
Why is Janeway keep leading awaymissions, what is she up to? Why didn't Johnny find out earlier that he loved himself? Why in hell did he wear a dress? How did Tom crash the shuttle into a cliff side? Why was so many scenes missed out? What will the Tom/Harry fans do to the writers? Will they do anything at all, hey you people get out of here! Aaaarrrgghh!
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of B4 Fifth Voyager!
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