B4FV 1.11 - Rules & Regulations

Rules & Regulations
(Parts 1 & 2)

This episode was originally inspired by a fanfic with the same name. Although now the episode's changed so much you really can't tell. This episode is now a parody of the film Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Episode Synopsis
An awayteam gets caught up in a mystery investigation when they are sent to a planet to look for something Janeway's after

Written By
Marill & Vulpix

25th September 2002

Episode Based In
February 2371 (early season 1)

Last time on B4 Fifth Voyager
"Mwahahaha, little do they know.. we're alive now. Thanks to the good old invention called the, er what was it called?" Myleene asked.

"Stasis Unit," Suzanne replied.

"I always thought you'd marry yourself," Danny said.

"Hmm, good idea," Johnny muttered.

"Would you losers stop spying on Voyager, I've got a new recruit. This is Gwen Stefani," Damien said.

"Hey wait a minute, is she just here to replace Jeri? We don't need two blondes," Danny asked.

"Oh god, you're going to marry yourself in a dress?" Suzanne asked.

"Yep, screw Lisa... I'd be a better wife than her. I love me, I love me!" Johnny yelled as he danced around.

"Yeh, we all knew that," Noel muttered.

"I have a better idea, a more realistic and fun one too. There's a shuttle going on a mission, we could follow that," Osama said.

"How's that fun?" Damien asked.

"We could put a bomb in it," Osama replied.

"That's how all your plans end," Rick muttered.

"We could follow the shuttle. If there's a lot of main cast in it then we can hold them hostage," Brannon said.

"So who's going to replace him?" Chakotay asked. He looked around the room. He saw Danny at the helm, Jessie at the Engineering station, Tuvok at Tactical, and an unknown ensign at opps. James just came onto the Bridge. "James, you're on the mission."

Tuvok groaned. "Just because I was in the last episode doesn't mean that someone, who was in the last episode too, should get chosen over me."

"Oh come on, you didn't figure out anything else. For one thing these people don't believe in dressing their dead. They don't believe that objects can be taken into the afterlife," Chakotay said.

"I thought the whole point of this mission was to get a sample of the new element," B'Elanna said.

"B'Elanna, how else are we going to be able to learn about their culture?" Chakotay asked.

"I'll tell you, if someone suddenly appears on their planet. Ain't going to happen," B'Elanna replied.

"Good, they'll crash there and we can get them easily. Pursuit," Brannon said.

"Tom, you're heading for a storm, go up!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oops, taking us up now," Tom said.

The shuttle flew up at the last minute, the FVDA ship crashed straight into the storm.

"You idiot, didn't you detect that storm?" Rick yelled.

"The shuttle was in the way," Johnny muttered.

There was an explosion and the FVDA ship shot off into the distance. "We're blasting off again!" they all screamed. There was the usual pinging sound.

"Well I was in this asteroid in orbit of a planet, there was this bright light then I was in that coffin," James replied.

"We believe that you came from the higher plane of existence," Hahoni replied.

"The what?" James said questioningly.

"The higher plane of existence. You should know, you were there. Now tell me what's it like?" Hahoni asked.

"Dark, there was a lot of white stuff around.. kinda like cobwebs. There was also a few dead people there," James said.

"Are you saying when we die we rot in an asteroid?" Hahoni asked in disgust.

"The mission did not go well, Captain," Tuvok said.

"But all you had to do was take some of that new element," Kathryn said.

"We could not find it Captain, all we found was a resting ground," Tuvok said.

"Typical. Where is Commander Chakotay?" Kathryn asked.

"He's hiding," Danny replied.

"What? Why?" Kathryn asked.

"He lost James," Danny replied.

"What? He lost James, how in hell did he do that?" Kathryn asked, trying not to show the panic in her voice.

"Ensign Seska tried, he wasn't anywhere on the asteroid," Tuvok said.

"A group of people have just appeared in several parts of the ship," Tuvok replied.

A few people charged into the Bridge from the turbolift, holding signs and bricks.

"You can't shoot fans, lower your weapons," Kathryn said.

"What are you fans doing here?" Kathryn asked when the fighting stopped.

"We're here to protest about the treatment of Harry and Tom," one fan replied.

"We're getting tired of that extra character stealing their episodes," one fan said.

"He's missing," Tom replied.

"What have you got against James anyway?" Jessie asked.

"It's her, let's throw a tricorder at her!" one fan yelled.

"That's enough!" Kathryn screamed VERY loudly. Jessie ducked as a tricorder was thrown at her. Everyone went quiet too. "It's not James' fault that he replaces Tom and Harry. It's not Danny & Jessie's fault that they throw tricorders at Tom."

"No, the writers make them do it," Kathryn said.

"Hey, that's right. Let's go and get revenge on them!" one fan yelled. All the fans left through the turbolift.

"Yes, what are you getting at?" the guy asked.

"Well I really want to get back, the only way I know of is to go into that Joni again. If I take your place you could go and live in the mountains," James replied.

The guy thought for a little while. "The Joni will kill you, you know that?"

"I'm hoping that my ship will be able to revive me when they find me," James said.

"Captain, another body has appeared. It's human and it's dead, why did I see that one coming," Harry said.

"Oh my god, beam him to Sickbay!" Kathryn exclaimed. She and Jessie went into the turbolift.

"It worked," Kes said.

James woke up, he looked around and Kathryn was the first person he saw. Jessie pushed her out of the way. She stood beside him and grabbed his hand.

"Don't do that again, ok," Jessie said.

Kathryn, looking rather teed off that is, went over to stand behind the biobed. 

Lee went over to stand beside Kes. "Does she like him or something?"

Kes' eyes widened, "I hope you're talking about Jessie."

"I was worried about your well being, that's all," Kathryn said.

"That's a funny joke," James said.

"No, it's true. As you may know I worry over Harry as well. You know why?" Kathryn asked. Kathryn sighed, "because in a way you're both like me."

"Sometimes he does yes, my point is I want to help you and Harry. You both have to become more like each other," Kathryn said.

"All I'm suggesting is become a bit more dedicated to what you do, try and keep your temper. Harry needs to loosen up a bit more. Get what I'm saying?" Kathryn asked.

"I guess, still doesn't explain why you were touching me before," James replied.

"James, I'm getting old. I am far away from my fiancée, there is no way I'll ever have children of my own. I see you and Harry as the children I never had. I know, it sounds dumb to you," Kathryn said.

"No offense but you reminded me of my own mum when we first got trapped here," James replied.

"I see," Kathryn said. She thought, "that is a rather big insult, Susy is a b**ch."

"Do you, Johnny Shentall, take Johnny to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Rick asked.

"I do," Johnny said.

"Do you, Johnny Shentall, take Johnny to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Rick asked.

"I do, of course," Johnny said.

"By the power blah blah blah, I now pronounce you man and wife. You can kiss yourself," Rick said.

Damien pulled a tall mirror over to Johnny. He gave the mirror a long kiss after removing the veil. Afterwards he adjusted his hair.

And now the conclusion
The Bridge
Some of the usual people were in their usual spots, everything looked chaotic.

Kathryn turned to Harry, "report!"

"I already have!" Harry yelled over the noise.

"Yes but that was before the episode started!" Kathryn yelled back.

"Fine.. we're being attacked by a mystery ship!" Harry replied.

"Captain, they've stopped firing. It appears they've ran out of weapons," Tuvok said.

"Can we destroy it?" Kathryn asked.

"Captain no, you haven't turned fully psycho yet," Tom replied.

"Aaaw, I can't wait.." Kathryn moaned.

Meanwhile on the attacking ship:
"You idiot, why didn't you get more weapons!" Rick yelled at Osama.

"The Amazon order form said that I wasn't allowed to use them for evil, it also asked me if I wanted to use them for attacks on Fifth Voyager. So I got the weapons from Asda, do you realise how expensive they are there," Osama said.

"Imbecile," Brannon muttered.

"Yeah.. everyone knows the best place to get weapons from is Matalan," Rick said.

Damien ran in with loads of Matalan carrier bags. "Hey guys, look what I got!" He pulled out a t-shirt, "this was only 2.99 at Matalan! Oh and this.." He pulled out a really ugly coat, "this was only £6, from Matalan!"

"You idiot, why didn't you get some weapons from there!" Rick yelled.

"I'm not made of money you know," Damien muttered.

"Ugh.. retreat. We'll have to go to plan B," Rick said.

"Plan A shouldn't exist, it really shouldn't," Brannon muttered.

"What's Plan B?" Damien asked.

"It involves you, so you'd better make it work!" Rick replied angrily.

"Okeydokey," Damien said cheerfully. He put his awful coat on. "I think I'll wear my new coat that I got from Matalan."

"Oh for god's sake.." Rick muttered, he walked away.

"The ship's retreating, they've beamed three crewmembers to the surface," Tuvok said.

"Oh great, they might go after the awayteam," Chakotay said.

"Hail them," Kathryn ordered.

The planet, somewhere near a mountain:
Jessie and James just emerged from a small forest, there was a mountain right in front of them. Conveniently there was some stairs leading to a small building.

In: "Janeway to away team."

"Er, yeah?" James said as he tapped his commbadge.

In: "We've just been attacked by a mystery ship, be on alert."

"Ok, can you contact Faye and Ian too. We kinda lost them," James said.

In: "Kinda?"

"Er yeah.. kinda.. bye," James said, he quickly tapped his commbadge again.

"Um you could of asked them to beam us all to the right co-ordinates. This area does not look like a small town or even a mansion near a large jungle," Jessie said.

James thought for a few seconds, "ah crap."

"What took you so long?" Jessie asked.

"I thought that building was a mansion, then I remembered we were just in a forest," James replied.

Jessie groaned. "We should get up there, the people there might have seen Ian or Faye."

"So how long do you think it'll take?" James asked.

It was Jessie's turn to think for a few seconds, "I think about 20 minutes."

"Ah crap," James muttered.

"Would you stop saying that," Jessie said.

Twenty odd minutes later:
James and Jessie finally reached the top of the stairs. Right in front of them was the small building with really large doors and no windows. They both went up to the doors, they opened on their own.

Inside was what looked like monks all kneeling on the ground in two straight lines. As soon as Jessie and James got inside the building the doors closed automatically.

Jessie looked around, she jumped a mile. A monk was standing right beside her. James noticed too, but was less shocked.

"Um.. hi. We're from the ship in orbit. We were wondering if you've seen anybody called Faye or Ian?" James asked.

"No one here carries their own title," the monk said.

Jessie and James glanced at each other briefly. "Er, right. They're human," James said.

"We are all children of the same life force," the monk said.

James groaned, he turned around and walked away. "Um, the guy has a habit of speaking from his hand," Jessie said.

"Oh him, yes he came with a younger girl. Come with me," the monk muttered. He walked away. Jessie turned around, grabbed James' arm, and dragged him along with her.

The monk led them down a small corridor. He stopped outside one of the doors. "They both came here looking for shelter from the storm several hours ago. They are unique I'll give them that." He opened the door and they all stepped inside.

Ian was sitting on the floor looking rather bored, as Faye was sitting in the middle of a couple of Puppy in my Pockets. It looked like she was meditating. As soon as Ian saw James and Jessie he jumped up.

"Hi guys, god I thought I'd be here for days!" Ian almost screeched.

"Why didn't you answer our calls?" Jessie asked.

"The monks took away our commbadges, they thought they were objects that allowed them to speak to god," Ian replied.

"Can they have them back?" Jessie asked.

"We need them to speak to our god," the monk replied.

"Ugh, never mind," Ian groaned.

"Come on, we have to go," James said.

"We can't, we have to pay these people back for letting us stay here," Ian said.

The monk looked really worried, "no no, you have paid us back. You just have."

"We have?" Ian said questioningly.

"Yes, just now.." the monk said.

"What did we do?" Ian asked.

"The girl has obviously gone all spiritual, that's good enough for us. We don't need anything else," the monk said.

"But you said something about giving whoever pays you back a gold cross," Ian said.

"Here, you can have mine," the monk said, he handed him a large gold cross.

"This took you two years to get," Ian said in disbelief.

"Um, I don't like it anymore," the monk said nervously.

"Ok then, Faye? We can go," Ian said. Faye didn't move a muscle.

Jessie knelt down in front of her. "Faye?" she said quietly. She waved her hand in front of Faye's face. Suddenly Faye moved her head forward and made barking noises. Jessie jumped back onto her feet.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Can we go now?" Faye asked nervously.

"Uh huh," Jessie replied.

"The monks gave her some sort of juice earlier, she's a bit hyper," Ian whispered.

"Oh, that explains the dog impression," Jessie said.

"Doesn't explain the toys, does she bring them with her all the time?" James asked.

"They're my lucky charms," Faye giggled as she picked up all her Puppy in my Pockets.

"I'd better inform the others," the monk said.

"Hey, break it to them gently," Faye said, she giggled.

Five minutes later:
The four awayteam members were forced to push their way through the monks who were now dancing around like loonies. One monk streaked passed the four, as a result Jessie picked up speed and left the building first.

The doors closed behind the four. James glanced at Faye and Ian. "You couldn't of been that annoying, right?"

"Nah, not me," Ian said.

"Hehehe, that guy streaked," Faye giggled.

Jessie shuddered, "at least it wasn't Neelix again."

Ian laughed dirtily, "James, you're going to have to streak to make her feel better."

Both James and Jessie glared at him, Ian looked nervous. Faye just giggled again.

"Shouldn't we get on with the mission?" Ian asked finally.

"Good idea, we're on the top of a mountain and I feel like killing," Jessie muttered.

"Um.. did you find out where we were suppose to beamed to?" Ian asked.

James tapped his commbadge. "Taylor to Voyager, we've found Ian and Faye. Can you beam us to the right place now."

In: "What, I thought you were in the right place."

"No we aren't," Jessie said.

In: "Ok, we'll try again."

The four dematerialised.

Elsewhere on the planet:
A rather large alien guy was standing outside a large building in a small town. He looked rather irritated. Ian, Faye, James and Jessie rematerialised nearby. The guy waddled over to them.

"Are you the crewmembers from Voyager?" the guy asked.

"Yep, sorry we're late," Ian replied.

"Well I have to take you to the mansion nearby the jungle. Something awful happened while I was waiting for you to turn up," the guy said.

"What kind of awful?" Jessie asked.

"I'll explain on the air bus. Follow me," the guy replied. He went into the building, the four followed him.

Half an hour later, on an air bus:
The guy was sitting next to Ian who was in his usual annoying mood. Faye was sitting on the aisle seat next to James and Jessie.

Ian had his right hand in front of his face, he was pretending that it was talking. "So what's the deal Mr guide guy?"

The guy raised his eyebrow. "The creature that makes the substance your ship is after has been kidnapped."

"I see, why are we going to the mansion then. Huh huh?" Ian's hand asked (you know what I mean).

"A guest that is currently at the mansion knows something about it. Mr Richards, can you please talk normally?" the guide asked.

"My name is not Mr Richards, it's Mr Handyman," Ian's hand replied.

"You don't understand, this is a serious matter," the guide said.

Meanwhile the airhostess gave Jessie, James and Faye some alcohol. Faye stared at it like it was barley soup. "What is this, I don't drink alcohol!"

"I'm sorry ma'am," the airhostess said. She took away the drink.

"Yeah she's only a kid, way underage," Jessie said drunkenly. She handed the glass back to the airhostess. "I'll have it."

The airhostess handed Jessie the other drink, she quickly drank that. Faye sighed. "Don't you have any other drinks?"

"The bar up there sells all sorts of drinks, I'll lead you there," the airhostess said. She headed up the aisle, Faye got up and followed.

"The tribe that owns the creature, the chief's daughter is getting married to the son of the neighbouring tribe. The creature is a blessing for the wedding," the guide said. Ian obviously wasn't listening.

Another airhostess came up to them holding a bag of nuts. "Peanuts?"

"Yes, I have one thanks. So does he, I think," Ian replied.

"Peanuts," the airhostess muttered as she handed the bag to Ian.

"Oh, sorry," Ian laughed. The airhostess pulled a face and she walked away. Ian turned towards the window.

"Anyway, the disappearance of the creature has insulted the neighbouring tribe. If it isn't returned both tribes will probably go to war," the guide said. He turned to Ian who was looking through the window still. "Mr Richards?"

Ian turned around looking freaked out. "I'm sorry what were you saying?"

The guide sighed, "the creature that makes the substance your ship is after has been kidnapped."

An hour later, outside a small building in the middle of nowhere:
The awayteam and the guide stepped outside. The guide went towards what looked like a small jeep. The awayteam followed him there.

"Ok I can't drive very well, so you'll have to wear the safety belts.. just in case," the guide said.

"No need, I'll drive!" James blurted out.

Faye and Ian looked rather worried. "James, Faye is too young to die."

"Yeah!" Faye yelled.

"I'm a good driver," James complained.

"Um if you say so. There must be a law on this planet that stops drunk people from driving," Ian said.

"I'm not drunk, I'm perfectly sober," James said as he tried his best to look sober.

"Fine, it can't be that far away right?" Ian asked.

"Are you mad?" Faye grumbled.

"No, if he crashes we can go back to Voyager," Ian said.

"Yeah, true.. it can't be that bad right," Faye said.

A few minutes later nearly everyone was regretting the decision to let James drive. Instead of driving on the road they were now driving through a lake in the jungle.

"Are we going to live through this?" Faye asked Ian who was sitting next to her.

"Probably not, sorry," Ian replied.

The jeep drove out of the lake and emerged from the jungle. The mansion was only a couple of metres away but the jeep wasn't slowing down.

"Uh there is such a thing as a brake!" Ian yelled.

"Oh yeah, sorry," James laughed. The jeep suddenly came to a halt, the shock to the jeep made the engine blow up.

Ian climbed out of the damaged jeep, Faye followed him. The guide and James got out of the front. Jessie tried to get out of the other side but for some reason she was stuck. Ian went over to her.

"What's wrong?" Ian asked.

"I can't get out," Jessie replied.

Ian peered through the door, "Jessie, try taking your seatbelt off."

Jessie looked down at the seatbelt and she giggled nervously. "Oh of course," she giggled. She took the seatbelt off and she got out of the jeep.

"The visitor will be inside," the guide muttered. He followed some posh guests into the building, the awayteam followed him.


End of Part I

Part II


Inside the mansion:
In one of that larger rooms a posh party was going on. The awayteam and the guide got a few odd glances from some of the really posh guests. James and Jessie both spotted something and walked away.

The guide went over to a guy that looked familiar, but not to the awayteam of course. He brought the guy over to Faye and Ian.

"This is Damien, he's the guest that knows something about the kidnapping. Damien, this is Faye O'Tani and Ian Richards from Voyager," the guide said.

Damien smiled evilly but no one noticed, he shook hands with Ian. "Nice to meet you, very nice."

"Erm.. isn't Damien a human name?" Faye asked.

"It is, I am human of course," Damien replied.

"Don't tell me, the Borg," Ian muttered.

Damien looked worried, "where, where?" He panicked and he looked around the room.

"There's none here, I'm guessing that you were assimilated by them," Ian said.

"Er yeah.. that's exactly right," Damien said. He smiled smugly afterwards. Another guy came over with a black bird thing on his shoulder.

"This is Quina, he owns the park which holds wild animals in captivity for the public to see," the guide said.

"I don't like you," Faye said.

"That's nice young lady," Quina said.

Faye groaned, she turned to Ian who was playing with some of the food. He turned back to her with some strange food stuck under his top lip. "Hey is there something in my teeth?"

"Ian.. it's bad enough that James and Jessie are drunk at a posh people's party," Faye whispered.

"I take that as a yes then," Ian said.

James and Jessie were standing at the bottom of some stairs like they were waiting for something. Two people with posh clothes on were coming down the stairs. The guy had a stupid plaster on his face, and the girl had a fur thing around her neck. Either of them didn't look posh at all.

Jessie whispered something in James' ear, they both giggled. Jessie sat down on the stairs and she put up her hair to make it look shorter, James tried his best to lean against the wall but he kept slipping. Eventually he did it.

"Prepare for trouble, all I think about is you.. even when you do something, I don't know the words," Jessie said in a bad singing voice.

"Wow, a number one hit.. here we come. Oh and make it double.. I wear stupid plasters on my face," James said in a really annoying voice.

"No you don't," Jessie laughed.

"I'll fix that," James said, he took the plaster off the other guy's face. He looked really shocked, the girl looked like she was going to faint.

"Did they say prepare for trouble?" the girl asked.

"They did, and they insulted our song. That means they know who we are," the guy replied.

"Who wouldn't know," James said.

"Nelly and Kelly packed their trunks and said goodbye to the circus," Jessie sang, then she and James burst out laughing.

"That's it, prepare for trouble," the girl, Kelly, said.

"And make it double," the guy, Nelly, said. He and Kelly did a stupid close pose.

"To protect annoying famous people from deserved bashings," Kelly said.

"To unite more annoying famous people to join our thrashings," Nelly said.

"To denounce the evils of power and wealth," Kelly said.

"To spread our annoying skills like wind blowing leaves," Nelly said.

"Kelly Rowland," Kelly said.

"Nelly," Nelly said.

"FVDA destroys Fifth Voyager at the speed of light," Kelly said.

"Join or help us now or we'll attack you out of spite," Nelly said.

"That's right, oops," Damien muttered.

"Is that going to be a new song? You can't cos it's too good for you guys to do," James asked.

"Another lot of pop fans, Nelly," Kelly sneered.

"Pop fans, yeaas, mwahahahaha," Nelly laughed.

"Poop faens yeaass, mwahahabubu," Jessie imitated.

Nelly looked hurt, Kelly stepped forward. "There's nothing wrong with living the R'n'B lifestyle mixed in with some poshness, you should try it some time dear. It'll get you somewhere."

"Hmm, you're right," Jessie said. She turned to James and whispered something in his ear. He smiled evilly

James smacked Nelly in the face, he went straight unconscious. He easily picked up the guy and put him around his shoulders.  "You know something, I like it already."

Faye and Ian just watched the scene in horror. Faye covered her face, she turned to the guide, Quina and Damien. The guide and Quina both looked gobsmacked. "They're not really with us, they just follow us around. We'd never insult other people's music like that."

Ian turned to Faye and burst out laughing, "how's the vacation song getting along. I hear it was on a Pokémon album." Faye finally lost her temper and she smacked him.

"I like these people actually, I can't stand that Nelly & Kelly song either," Damien said. Nelly & Kelly overheard, they gave him a very nasty glare before leaving the building.

Faye, Ian and the guide went over to where James and Jessie were. "So what do you think?" Jessie asked.

"Awful just like any other R'n'B song, now can we please get on with the mission?" Faye asked.

"Sounds good to me," Jessie giggled.

"We can use the projector room, I have pictures to show you puny mortals.. er I mean you nice people," Damien said. He left the room, everyone else followed.

Damien led the awayteam and the guide into a small room with a primitive projector, kinda like the ones you get at school. Everyone sat down at the table which was in front of the projector. Everyone looked at the projected image that was on the wall, they saw a shadow of somebodies head reflected onto it.

James laughed, "oh sorry." He got up and he collapsed onto another chair. Everyone looked at the picture on the wall, it was a picture of a guy and a girl talking too each other. They both had their backs facing everyone, the guy's face was turned but you couldn't see either of their faces. Also a shadow of a finger was slowly coming up to the guy's face.

"Eeew, gross he's picking his nose," Jessie laughed.

Everyone looked James' way again, he quickly put his hand down. "What?"

"These people were spotted in the jungle, they were near the area when the creature was reported missing. They are likely suspects," Damien said.

Two hand puppets appeared on the picture, both turned to each other and started fighting. Faye tried her best to look angry but she just started laughing instead. Another hand joined the other two. The new hand and one of the other ones looked like they were kissing.

"Would you morons stop it! We're counting on you to find this creature!" Damien yelled as he stood in front of the projected image. Ian, James and Jessie quickly lowered their hands and tried to look innocent. "Now can I continue?"

Ian shrugged his shoulders, he raised both of his hands up in the air, "oh woooh, oh wooh!"

Damien looked puzzled, he looked down and he saw that the shadows of Ian's hands were near his chest. He folded his arms and pouted. The shadows of Ian's hands went up to Damien's head to make it look like he had devil horns.

"Wooh it's Damien, the devils child.. run for your lives!" Ian yelled.

"That's right... er I mean how dare you! We don't need this room anymore," Damien said. He rushed out of the room. Everyone else followed in fits of giggles.

Later in the jungle:
The guide was leading the awayteam through the dense jungle. They came to a large clearing, there was a small tribal village there. The natives all stopped what they were doing just to stare at the visitors.

Jessie went over to a large beam, she looked up. She saw some guy standing on it one leg.

"That's a test of character, if he loses his balance and falls he'll have to start again," the guide said.

"Oh ok," Jessie said. She started shaking the beam, the guy somehow managed to keep his balance.

James went over to her, "Jessie.. you're not doing it properly." Jessie ignored him and continued to shake it. James joined in. The guy on the beam fell off and landed in a very bad way.

"Maybe we should see the chief," the guide said nervously. He went inside one of the tents. Faye and Ian followed him quickly, James and Jessie followed once they had stepped over the guy's mangled body.

Inside the tent was a fat guy sitting in a large chair. "Anay ah mabya, aie soona."

The awayteam looked puzzled. Ian took his commbadge, he slapped it a few times and put it back on. "Can you repeat that?"

"He said he was expecting you," the guide said.

"The translators mustn't be able to translate this language," Faye said quietly.

"Well I never would of guessed that on my own," Ian said.

The chief looked rather puzzled at the display. The guide stepped in quickly, "asoona mona, ashu na maku."

The chief smiled and he spat in Ian's face, and then in James'. Jessie burst out laughing, Faye just stepped backwards.

"Oh my goodness, the chief really likes you. That is a great sign of affection between Watchoti males," the chief said.

"I hate to know what they do to the girls," Jessie giggled.

Faye looked disgusted, "do you mind, I have a fragile mind."

"Hehe, you said mind twice," Jessie laughed. Faye groaned.

A young guy came into the tent, he went up behind James, Ian and Jessie. "Ah this is the chief's son, Asumi. He knows my language so you should be able to understand him."

"I like you," the guy said. He spat in James and Ian's faces. Ian didn't look too happy as he wiped his face.

"Why we are popular aren't we?" James said sarcastically.

"Uh huh. Allow me to show how I feel about you guys," Ian said.

Faye's eyes widened, "that's it, I'm outta here." She ran out of the tent. Jessie followed giggling her head off.

A few seconds later all of the guys came out of the tent, all but Ian were wiping their faces. The chief and Asumi were laughing their heads off. The chief and Asumi headed towards another tent, still laughing. The guide and the awayteam followed them.

Inside the tent was a large cage in the middle of small shrine. Ian went over to it. As soon as his foot stepped on one of the steps the chief pulled out a knife and started yelling at him. Ian jumped a mile.

"Please Mr Richards that is sacred ground, only the Watchoti are allowed to step there," the guide said.

"Ookay," Ian muttered nervously.

The guide lowered his knife and he went over to the guide. He started talking to him. As soon as he did Jessie sat down on the steps and pulled a face at the chief. She jumped back onto her feet just before the chief turned to check.

The guide went over to Ian and Faye. "The chief says that unless the sacred bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Watchoti tribe will meet their death."

"Bat? What kind of bat?" Ian asked nervously.

"The Shakaka type," the guide replied. The chief and Asumi knelt down to bow. They stood up again.

"Never heard of it," Ian muttered.

"Shakaka," Jessie said. The chief and Asumi knelt down again. "Shakaka," she said again. Once again they knelt down.

"Shikasha," James said. Both of the tribe people were about to kneel, but they stood back up again. "Shistiba, shakabishion, shikago!" The chief knelt down on the last one. "You're outta there, go own.. get out," James said as he pointed at the entrance. The chief went out.

"I'm bored," Tom moaned.

"I'm not," Harry said cheerfully.

"How come, there is no subplots in this episode," Tom asked.

"Meh.. I'm keeping myself entertained," Harry replied. He looked down at this console, Tom eyed him suspiciously before making his way over. Harry had a portable mini TV, he was watching Kathryn in her Ready Room.

Kathryn was sitting in the chair behind the desk holding a cup of coffee. Tuvok and Chakotay were sitting opposite her, Chakotay was looking as bored as hell as Kathryn yapped on about nothing.

"And then I asked those people if they had any coffee supplies. They said just send someone down and we'll see what we can do. I was like wow. All these nice planets have some kind of coffee substitute, it's heaven," Kathryn said.

"Er excuse me Captain, but what has this got to do with the crew reports?" Tuvok asked.

"Aaaw Tuvie, you don't get it do you!" Kathryn laughed.

"Captain you really should cut down on coffee," Chakotay said.

"Why?" Kathryn asked in an innocent voice.

"Ugh.. I'm outta here," Chakotay groaned. He walked out of the room.

"Looks like it's just you and me Tuvie, let's play Twister," Kathryn said.

"Er... I've got to go and investigate something. Bye," Tuvok said quickly. He ran out of the room.

"So that's why Janeway keeps organising pointless awaymissions, she secretly collects coffee off every planet that has it," Tom said.

"Yeah, it's a good thing the current awayteam is looking for a metal substance to fix the Mess Hall's walls," Harry said.

Meanwhile, the Mess Hall:
Neelix was standing in his kitchen looking rather upset. No one was in the room with him, well Kes had just come in through the hole in the wall.

"Neelix what are you serving? I can smell it from the turbolift? Everyone who comes out runs down the corridor to get away," Kes asked.

Neelix's face lit up. He ran over to Kes holding a plate of some kind of food, if you call it food. "Hiya sweetie, do you want to try my Leola Root Omelette and Leola Root flavoured chips?"

"Um.. no. If you want to get people into here you've got to attract them with something they'd like," Kes replied.

"But Mr Paris said that I should serve chips and omelettes," Neelix said.

"Not Leola Root flavoured, Neelix," Kes said.

"Oh, why not?" Neelix asked.

"Neelix, not many crewmembers like Leola Root. Try serving normal food. If you want to be creative try enhancing things like soup and casseroles with things that the crew like. And this time don't burn half of the Mess Hall in the process, like last time," Kes replied. She walked out holding her nose.

"Hmm.. things that the crew like," Neelix muttered. A light bulb appeared over his head, it switched on but it blew up straight away.

Back on the planet:
It was night time where the awayteam were. A huge campfire was in the middle of the village, some people were playing music as others danced around. The guide passed the awayteam a small plate each. All of the plates had a brown mushy substance on them.

"Mmm, this is nice," Ian said in a hyper voice.

"Yeah, what is it?" Faye asked.

"It's caffeine paste," Asumi replied.

"Mmm, caffeine.. could of done with some sugar and cherry in it too, huh Jess?" James asked.

"Yeah," Jessie giggled.

"Guys, I think this is coffee paste," Ian said.

Faye, James and Jessie all dropped their plates. All of them started coughing like mad.

"Caffeine is a quick and easy food & drink substance the Watchoti's can gather. Shakaka is a special kind of animal that makes it," the guide said.

"Makes it?" Ian said questioningly.

"Yes, it has something in it's fur that sheds during the winter. The fur that gets to the ground grows into caffeine plants," the guide said.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Faye muttered.

"Wait a minute, Janeway wanted us to come down here to get the substance that is made from this creature. The actual substance she wanted is coffee," Ian said.

"Yeah, why would anyone want to steal a bat that makes coffee from it's fur?" James asked.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she stole it herself," Ian muttered in response.

"To be honest I don't care. If we find this bat then Janeway'll get some coffee from these people. You know what that means," Faye said.

"But what about these people? They'll be killed if the bat isn't returned," Ian asked.

"If Janeway's stolen it then we can find it and return it. If it's someone on this planet it isn't our problem. We shouldn't interfere with a pre-warp civilisation, it is part of the Prime Directive after all," Faye replied.

"Prime Dire.. what?" James muttered.

"Something that our crew is suppose to uphold but we never do," Faye said.

"Is this why this episode has the name Rules & Regulations?" Ian asked.

"No.. it has the name because it was inspired by another story with the same name yonks ago," Faye replied.

"Oh who cares, we should get back to the ship before we break even more rules," Ian said.

Voyager, the Bridge:
Kathryn was now on the Bridge enjoying another cup of coffee. Tom, Harry and Chakotay kept glancing at her with suspicious looks on their faces.

In: "Richards to Voyager. We're ready to come back to the ship now."

"Did you get the substance I.. we needed?" Kathryn asked.

In: "The bat that makes it has been stolen."

Kathryn's eyes widened, she fell off the chair and she buried her face in her hands. "Noooooooooooooooo!" she screamed.

"Something tells me that she was lying about what substance they were looking for," Harry said.

"Hmm yeah," Tom muttered.

The next day, the Mess Hall:
The room was so busy there were people standing and eating.

"You know this Cherry Coke soup is actually quite nice," Danny said to Neelix.

"Thank you Danny," Neelix beamed.

Kathryn stormed into the room looking really teed off. "Neelix!" she yelled.

"Yes Captain, do you want to try some Cherry Coke soup?" Neelix asked cheerfully.

"Why on earth are you not serving coffee soup?" Kathryn asked angrilly.

"Captain, you drank all the coffee supplies," Neelix replied.

"Use the replicator, that's what I do," Kathryn said.

"But Captain you really should be setting an example," Neelix said.

"Example my a**, I need coffee!" Kathryn yelled. She ran over to the replicator after pushing several people out of the way. She replicated three cups of coffee and she drank them all down in a few seconds. She then fell onto the floor laughing her head off, then she started singing 'Love At First Sight' by Kylie.

"You know, if Janeway didn't steal the bat.. who did?" Ian asked.

"Who knows," James replied.

Meanwhile on the FVDA ship:
"Mwahahahahahaha, that'll get that Janeway bi*** back. She won't be able to live without coffee," Damien laughed. He kicked the bat cage, the bat squealed at him.

"Can I just comment here?" Osama asked.

"No!" everyone yelled.

"Doesn't Voyager have replicators, Janeway can still have coffee," Osama said.

"Don't ruin my evil mood, jerk," Damien said.

"Hey, I thought he was your hero," Brannon said.

"He is, but I just don't like people spoiling my mood," Damien said.

"He does have a point though, I keep forgetting about that word.. I can't say. What is it, continu..nu nu..ti," Rick said.

"Continuity," Damien said.

"Shut up," Rick muttered.

"The mission wasn't a waste of time, replicators use power don't they. Voyager won't have power forever," Brannon said.

"He's got a point. Janeway will use that power until it's left powerless, then we can destroy them. Mwahahahahahaha," Damien laughed.

"Can I just comment here?" Osama asked.

"NO!" everyone yelled.

Nelly and Kelly came in, they both eyed Damien. "Uhoh, see ya!" He ran out of the room, Nelly and Kelly ran after him.

"Sooo, want to play Go Fish?" Brannon asked.

"Hell yeah," Rick replied.

What happened to the Watchoti tribe? Is the Nelly/Kelly song really as bad as Jessie & James made it out to be? Will Janeway ever get help for her unhealthy coffee obsession? What does Cherry Coke soup taste like? How did Neelix burn a hole in the Mess Hall's wall? And will the crew ever find out that Damien is a villain in the B4 FV series?
Find out the answers to most of these questions in the next installment of B4 Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****

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