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_Prime Factors

Episode Synopsis
Voyager is greeted by a very friendly race called the Sikarians. Harry finds out that they have a technology Voyager needs, so the FVDA decide to take it for themselves

Brief Note
This episode was written a very long 17 years ago and I haven't changed that much. It's important to know this, as there's very dated um... controversial jokes within. They could be considered bad taste now, but in 2002 we were all doing it. Ahem.

30th March 2019

Original Written
2nd October 2002


The Mess Hall:
B'Elanna, Jessie and Danny were sitting at a small table near the door. Ian and James were at the replicator, they went to a nearby table. All three of the girls watched them sit down. Danny and Jessie glanced at B'Elanna who was still watching Ian.

"I recognise that look, Ian better watch out," Danny said.

"What?" B'Elanna said innocently.

"You were almost drooling when Ian went passed," Danny said quietly.

"Don't be stupid, he's younger than me," B'Elanna said.

"So? Don't tell him this but he has a nice butt," Danny said.

Jessie looked rather disgusted. "Why the hell am I sitting with you two?"

"What, we're single. We're allowed to look at guys," Danny said.

"You hate Ian," Jessie muttered.

"I don't hate looking at him," Danny said.

"Doesn't matter, rumour has it he's seeing one of the Delany sisters," B'Elanna said.

"Ian and the Delany sisters? No way," Danny giggled.

"That's not true, Tom and Harry made their move just a week ago," Jessie said.

"Ooh, looks like Tommy doesn't have a crush on you anymore," Danny said. Jessie pretended to look disappointed, then she just shook her head.

"Harry and the Delany sisters, that is definitely a rumour," B'Elanna muttered.

"No it's not, ask them yourself," Jessie said.

B'Elanna turned around to face Tom, Harry, Lee and Claire's table. "Harry, is it true about you and the Delany sisters?"

Harry looked nervous, "is what true?"

"Come on Harry, I was told about it. It is a small ship after all," Jessie said.

Harry turned to Tom who was innocently stuffing his face. "How many have you told?"

"Um, no one. Someone must've saw you," Tom innocently replied.

Harry looked around the table, then he looked towards another table. Ian and James were both trying to look like they weren't listening. "You saw us?"

"Saw what?" Ian asked.

"Doesn't matter Harry, everyone knows about the trip to Venice," Tom said.

"You've got to be kidding me, that only lasted about fifteen minutes," Harry said, looking relieved for some reason. Danny sniggered quietly.

"I've been meaning to ask you after Tom told me, but what happened when you and Jenny disappeared?" Claire asked.

Harry turned to Tom looking peed off again. Tom smiled back at him. "Nothing!"

"Harry you can tell us, we're your friends," James said.

"Since when?" Harry asked.

"Since now," James replied.

"Nothing we talked that's all. Then um, I fell over the side," Harry said. Everyone burst out laughing, Harry didn't look at all pleased.

"I don't think Harry was quite prepared for how psycho Jenny can be," Danny said in between laughs.

Meanwhile Kathryn and Tuvok were sitting at a nearby table. Kathryn had a bottle of Diet Coke with Lemon for some reason. "Do you see that... both crews are getting along," Kathryn said.

"That kind of bonding should increase crew performance and maximise efficiency," Tuvok said.

"Just what I was thinking," Kathryn said. She opened her bottle and she took a long drink of it. Tuvok just watched her as she did.

"So glad that's just diet," Tuvok thought.

"Bridge to Janeway."

"Go ahead," Kathryn said.

"Captain we're receiving a distress call."

Meanwhile on the FVDA ship:
"Brannon, Rick, we've got a huge problem," Damien said.

"What now, you better not have ate all of the yoghurts again," Rick moaned.

"No, it's not as bad as that. Or maybe it is, Johnny's shuttle has come back," Damien said.

"Oh dear god no!" everyone but Myleene screamed.

"YEY!" Myleene yelled. Everyone stared at her, raising their eyebrows.

"Quick, lock the shuttlebay doors," Brannon said quickly.

"It's too late, he's on his way here," Damien panicked.

The doors opened and Johnny stepped through them, holding a little kid in his arms. "Hi guys, missed me!"

"Oh my god, where did you get that kid?" Brannon asked.

"This is Johnny Junior, I cloned myself. I so wanted a kid," Johnny replied.

"Could this get any worse?" Rick asked in despair.

"Oh I brought a guy with me, he wanted a lift in the shuttle," Johnny said.

Saddam strode in, his eyes lit up when he saw Osama. "Oh my, Osamy my darling!" Saddam yelled. He ran over.

"Saddy, I missed you," Osama cried. He and Saddam started hugging each other. Everyone freaked out more when they both started kissing.

"Oh my god!" Brannon groaned in disgust.

"You know I think the writer wants to be murdered," Damien said.

"Well at least it can't get any worse than this," Rick said.

"Rick, stop saying things like that! It always gets worse!" Brannon yelled.

"Yup it sure has, one shuttle has opened fire on us," Damien said.

"It's better than this," Brannon grumbled.

"They are hailing us," Damien said.

"Put them on screen," Rick commanded.

"What the hell for? Knowing our luck it's probably the Teletubbies or the Tweenies," Damien asked.

"Just do it! Would you two get a room!" Rick yelled.

Osama and Saddam grinned, they held hands and skipped out of the room.

Tony Blair and George Bush appeared on the screen. "Greetings from the greatest country in the world and er the other country," Bush said.

"I don't believe this," Rick moaned.

"Oh Tony Blair... I LOVE YOU!" Myleene screamed.

"Oh god help us, wait he won't help us," Brannon said.

"Bush, England's better than your country. We have an easier flag to draw plus we have Coronation Street," Blair said.

"And I was born in England," Myleene said.

"Worst argument ever," Damien groaned.

"Oh yeah well America gets all the good shows first," Bush said angrily.

"Damn it, you always use that against me," Blair grumbled.

"Why did you attack us?" Rick asked.

"Sorry this is an American ship, we were aiming for terrorists and well, you know," Blair replied. Damien's eyes shifted rapidly, not suspicious in the slightest.

"Are you insulting my ships, Blair!" Bush yelled.

"Yeah I am, try aiming for yourself, then you might hit something!" Blair yelled.

"That's it, you asked for it," Bush growled. He and Blair got into a slapping fight.

"Go Blair go!" Myleene chanted while jumping around. Nearly everyone covered their eyes from the horrific sight of Myleene jumping around in a revealing outfit.

"Oh my eyes!" Damien moaned. He collapsed.

"She can be the next Jeri Ryan, I love her," Brannon said.

"You just want her to boost ratings don't you? Fat chance, all the UK viewers will change the channel when they see her," Rick said.

"Ok I don't like her," Brannon said.

Meanwhile Bush was hypnotising Blair. "You are my loyal puppy dog, you will do everything I say. My country is better than yours. Now wake!" Blair woke up, he started jumping up and down. "Good boy, go fetch!" Bush yelled, he threw a stick and Blair went running after it on his hands and knees.

Blair came back to Bush with the stick in his mouth. He rolled over onto his back and Bush started tickling him like he was a dog. He then gave him a doggy treat so Blair licked him in the face.

"EEEW!" everyone groaned. 

"Switch those loonies off, god's sake!" Rick yelled.

"What's Voyager up to since they are the reason we are in this show," Brannon asked.

"They're near a Sikarian ship," Damien replied.

"Ohno, it's this episode and Seska & Carey are not in it. Do you realise what this means?" Rick asked.

"Um, no," everyone replied.

"That means two of the extra cast will take their place," Rick said.

"So we have a duty to interfere with the plot, let's go!" Brannon yelled.

"YEAH!" everyone agreed.

Voyager, the Mess Hall:
Neelix was busy... trying to chat Kes up as she was helping him with the cooking. Kathryn, Tuvok and that annoying guy with the wires in his hair came in.

"Neelix, leave me alone or I'll call Security," Kes said.

"But sweety," Neelix moaned.

"Please call me Gaf, and I promise you I'd like nothing better than to share some of our latest delicacies with you," the wire guy said.

"Er, Captain, I'm serving lunch in just two hours," Neelix said.

"Neelix, this is Chaff from the planet Sikarus," Kathryn said.

"Ooh Sikarus? I've heard lots of stories about that planet, they have incredible hospitality," Neelix said.

"Tell me, how do you know about us?" Kathryn asked as Gaf handed her a plate of some food. He handed Neelix a plate too.

"Our people are very well travelled, some of them have brought back stories about aliens from another part of the galaxy. People alone who are struggling to find their way home," Gaf said.

Kathryn tried some of the food, "this is wonderful."

"So I decided to come and meet you and offer you respite," Gaf said.

"Respite?" Tuvok said questioningly.

"A vacation if you will. Get away from the confines of the ship, enjoy the beauty of our landscapes, meet and talk with our people," Gaf said.

"The crew will certainly welcome some shoreleave Captain," Kes said.

"And I hear the Sikarians have a huge variety of edible plants, if we could collect some seeds.. if that's ok with you," Neelix said. Gaf just smiled in agreement.

"Sounds like this would increase crew performance and maximise efficiency," Kathryn said.

"Indeed," Tuvok said as he raised his eyebrow.

"Well Gaf it looks like you have visitors. We'll set a course and follow you in," Kathryn said.

"I could not be happier," Gaf said. Kathryn smiled at him.

Ian, Harry, James and Lee were one of the many groups that were in the town centre. A group of girls were glancing around at all of the newcomers. They spotted the group of men. One of them glanced towards the other girls.

"I've got a way of getting them here," the girl said. She started fiddling with a thing that looked like a huge harp.

"These people freak me out, they all have wires in their hair," Ian said.

Suddenly Harry was pulled towards the girls by an invisible force. "Help guys, the plot's got me!"

"Should we help him?" James asked.

"If it gets us in the episode, why not," Lee replied.

The others followed Harry over to the girls. "Wow that's a nice instrument," Harry casually said.

"It's not an instrument, this actually reads the weather," one girl said. Harry immediately started to go into technobabble, the girl listened to him. The other girls rolled their eyes.

"Oh god, a science guy. Are you science guys?" another girl asked.

"Nope, how you doing?" Ian asked the second girl.

"Oh god," James groaned.

"This is annoying, there's girls here but I don't feel interested," Lee panicked. He ran off screaming.

"Ookay, seeya James. I've pulled," Ian said. He went away with two girls on his arms.

Harry finally finished with his technobabble talk. "Wow, are you a scientist?" the girl asked.

"Sort of," Harry replied.

The last remaining girl looked upset, she looked towards James. "Hi, what are you doing tonight?"

"Uh..." James said nervously.

Meanwhile Danny, Jessie and B'Elanna were nearby. Danny and B'Elanna spotted Ian chatting to his two girls. "Oh dear, Ian didn't take long did he?" B'Elanna asked.

"Ooh, you jealous B'Elanna?" Danny teased.

"I don't think so somehow," B'Elanna said.

"Hey is that girl trying to flirt with James?" Jessie asked.

Danny and B'Elanna looked towards James, Harry and the two girls. "Seems like it, he looks a bit terrified actually," Danny replied.

Jessie went over to Harry, James and the girls. "Hi," she said.

"Hi Jessie," James said quickly. The girl looked upset again.

"Excuse me but that was not very pleasurable," the girl said.

"Erm, okay. I don't really know what..." Jessie said.

"Do you want to come to the party tonight?" the girl asked quickly.

"Party? Yeah why not," James replied.

"But, no we can't," Jessie said angrily.

"Why not?" James asked.

"Um because we're probably not allowed to," Jessie replied quietly.

"That's a shame, if you can come I'll see you there," the girl said. She walked away.

"I thought by the look on your face you were terrified of her. Why do you want to go to this party?" Jessie asked.

"I don't want to go because of her, so why can't we go then?" James asked.

"I already said, besides I don't like her," Jessie replied.

"You just met her," James said.

"Um... see ya," Jessie said quickly. She rushed back over to Danny and B'Elanna.

Meanwhile Gaf was flirting with Kathryn, so it looked. She looked a bit high too.

"I hope you and your officers will come to the party tonight," Gaf said.

"Aaaw, why not. I haven't had any fun in years!" Kathryn yelled, she stumbled sideways a bit. She drank some Diet Coke with Lemon.

"I look forward to it," Gaf said.

Later that night:
Captains Log Stardate er... Supplemental: Don't ask how the hell I'm doing a log when we're on the planet, I just can. Anyway the crew are having fun at this good party on Sikarus, don't ask how I know that! Stupid computer, doesn't it ever shut up?

"Er Captain, why are you talking to that computer?" Gaf asked.

"Aaw, you're so cute! End log!" Kathryn yelled.

While all that was going on Harry was talking to the girl he met earlier that day. "And then we found ourselves 70 million lightyears from home. It was lonely."

"That's a very noble story," the girl said.

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Yes, stories are great but noble stories are the best ones," the girl replied.

"I have lots of stories," Harry said.

"You do? Let's go somewhere where you can tell me them," the girl said. She rushed to her feet, Harry took her hand and they both walked towards a platform. "Alastria." They both disappeared.

Meanwhile Jessie and Danny were standing around like they were waiting for something. "Where the hell is he?" Jessie asked angrily.

"Calm down Jess, he may not be at the party," Danny replied.

"He wanted to go so he must be here," Jessie said.

"Is that him other there talking to that girl?" Danny asked. She pointed her finger.

"It's that girl again!" Jessie snapped.

"Woah Jessie, calm down. No need to get jealous over your practise boyfriend," Danny said.

"I'm not jealous!" Jessie yelled.

"So why are you angry?" Danny asked.

"I'm allowed to be angry aren't I?" Jessie asked.

"Yeah if you're jealous of that girl," Danny replied.

Jessie glared at her with an evil look on her face, "I am not jealous."

"Whatever," Danny said.

Meanwhile James and the girl was talking, she's probably telling a story or something.

"And then Kiro was pulled into the wormhole. He appeared back home, and then.." the girl said.

"How long does this story last?" James asked.

"It's nearly finished, it isn't long enough is it?" the girl replied.

"Um, no it isn't," James lied, glancing around nervously.

"Kiro was reunited with his family and fiancée, He got married and had three children. I love happy endings," the girl said.

"Yeah me too. Um," James said.

"You got any stories?" the girl asked.

"Fiction or non fiction?" James asked.

The girl laughed, "either."

"Damn it," James said quietly.

Jessie came over, "James, I thought you didn't want to come to the party because of her."

"That's not very nice," the girl said.

"Shut the hell up," Jessie said angrily.

"Jessie can't we go to any party without having a fight with someone?" James asked.

"Well I wasn't going to come at all so maybe it would've been better if I stayed away," Jessie replied.

"I have an idea, we can take turns telling stories," the girl said.

"Oh don't mind me, go ahead," Jessie said and she folded her arms.

"Ok then. I have another story, it's part romance and part..." the girl said.

"Part romance? How convenient!" Jessie grumbled.

"Jess what's wrong?" James asked.

The girl ignored them both, "anyway two people from very different worlds met by just running into each other in the street. The man already had a girl but there was definitely something between him and the girl. Then..."

"Oh I've heard how this one ends. The girl realises that she was mistaken about something being there, and the guy's girlfriend gags her just to shut her up," Jessie said.

"No that's not how it ends," the girl said.

"Wait a minute, was that a non fiction story?" James asked.

"Mostly, come on," Jessie replied. She grabbed his arm tightly and dragged him away. Danny had watched the whole scene.

"Jessie can you be anymore jealous?" Danny asked.

"I'm not jealous!" Jessie yelled.

"I hope not," James muttered.

"I'm going back to the ship," Jessie said, ignoring James' comment. She walked away. James walked away in another direction leaving Danny on her own.

Meanwhile Kathryn and Gaf were flirting. "You're cute," Kathryn said.

"No you are," Gaf said.

"No you!" Kathryn laughed.

"No you," Gaf said. They looked like they were about to kiss when James passed by. He saw them and he pulled a disgusted face.

"Oh god, that guy is far too drunk," James said.

Kathryn and Gaf pulled away quickly. Kathryn grinned like a kid, she jumped onto her feet. "Jamesy! Come here!" Before James got a chance to get away Kathryn threw her arms around him and gave him a big hug. He couldn't breathe very well since she was hugging him so tightly.

"Janeway... can't breathe," James managed to say.

Kathryn let him go for a few seconds, she put her around his shoulders. "Gaffy, this is my cuddly little son."

"Son? I'm not your son for god's sake," James groaned.

"Yes you are, you're my baby," Kathryn laughed.

"Eeew," James muttered.

"Does this mean that you're married?" Gaf asked.

"Oh no, I'm single," Kathryn replied.

"I thought you were engaged," James said.

"Oh yeah," Kathryn laughed.

Harry and the girl came over. Kathryn's eyes lit up again. "Harry!" She grabbed a hold of him and she hugged him tightly.

"Don't tell me, that's my brother," James said sarcastically.

"Don't ask stupid questions, of course he is," Kathryn laughed.

"Captain... can you... let me go!" Harry gasped.

Kathryn let him go and put her arm around his shoulders too. James tried to sneak away but she grabbed his arm and pulled him back over to her. "My little babies," she kissed both of them on the cheek. They both looked at each other with disgusted looks on their faces. They quickly rubbed their cheeks.

"Erm, Captain. I've found a short cut home. These people have a way to fold space," Harry said.

"I tried to tell him, Gaf," the girl said.

"Tell him what?" Kathryn asked.

"I'm afraid the only things we cannot trade to other aliens is our technology, I'm afraid we can't break our own rules. I'm sorry, Kathryn," Gaf replied.

Meanwhile on the FVDA ship:
"They have a way of folding through space, do you realise what we could do with that?" Damien asked.

"No, it's sod all useless to us," Brannon replied.

"Brannon, Brannon, you obviously need to read my autobiography," Damien said. He pulled a book out of nowhere, it had a picture of him and a rabbit on it. The title was Like A Rabbit. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Uh, nice title," Rick said.

"You all need to read it, I am much more evil than you all are put together! Listen to me, with that folding space device we can finally get rid of Voyager," Damien said.

"But how?" Brannon asked.

"We steal the device from right under their noses, they'll be constantly after us for it. Janeway'll go all psycho. When that happens we..." Damien replied.

"It'll not do any good," Rick said.

"No, no! After that we... uh we..." Damien said.

"You don't know do you?" Johnny asked.

"No actually," Damien replied. He waited a few seconds before smacking Johnny's burnt arm.

"Owie owie, my beautiful skin! Owie owie!" Johnny cried. He ran out of the room. Johnny Junior laughed.

The next day, the Mess Hall:
"How many scenes have disappeared?" Jessie asked.

"Loads, but they're just the same as the originals," James replied.

"Fine, can I go back to being in angst?" B'Elanna asked.

"Sure," James and Jessie replied.

"We cannot swap the stories for the device, Janeway will find out and..." B'Elanna said.

"God I'm lost now, stupid cut scenes," Jessie muttered.

James and B'Elanna tried to ignore her. "Who cares what Janeway thinks. She'll probably be too hyper to do anything about it. Besides our number one mission is to get home. If she isn't interested then her judgement was impaired by hyperactivity," James said.

"You would know something about that, wouldn't you James?" Jessie said jokingly.

"Thanks for that," James muttered.

"You're welcome," Jessie said sweetly.

"You had a point there James, let's do it," B'Elanna said.

Transporter Room:
B'Elanna, James and Jessie sneaked into the room. Conveniently there was no one there. James went over to the console and he started working at it. "That's odd, I can't hack in."

"Try again," B'Elanna said.

"I am," James said.

"Ah crap," Jessie muttered. B'Elanna and James glanced at her, they saw Tuvok was standing beside her.

"The hacking you did alerted me of your presence here," Tuvok said as he went over to the console. He pressed a few buttons, he went back over to where Jessie was standing. "When I tried to download the library I noticed it already had been."

"You... you tried to download it?" James said in disbelief.

"Indeed. I will trade the library for the device," Tuvok said as held out his hand. Jessie looked shocked but she still handed the device with the library on it to Tuvok. Suddenly somebody else took it out of his hands.

"Yoink!" an extra voice said.

"Yoink?" everyone said, sounding confused. They all turned to the transporter pad. Suddenly smoke filled the room.

"Prepare for trouble," one voice said.

"Make it double," another voice said.

"To protect annoying famous people from deserved bashings," the first voice said.

"To unite more annoying famous people to join our thrashings," the second voice said.

"To denounce the evils of power and wealth," the first voice said.

"To spread our annoying skills like wind blowing leaves," the second voice said.

The smoke cleared so the four could see the villains.

"Myleene, hehe," Myleene giggled.

"Johnny," Johnny said.

"Oh, you're so cute Johnny!" Myleene suddenly blurted out.

"Join or help us now or we'll... what?" Johnny said.

"Hey, you're that annoying crewmember who was in the Big Bully house," B'Elanna said.

"Oops, I forgot about continuity," Johnny muttered. He slipped a mask on, and boy did he look better with it on. He forced a mask onto Myleene, yes she looked better too. "Well we've got the library, we'll just trade it to get the device. Hahaha!"

"How did you get aboard the ship?" Tuvok asked.

"Uh, I have no idea," Johnny replied.

"Do you wanna go out with me?" Myleene asked, for no reason at all.

"Ugh, does I'm married mean anything to you? Anyway, we've got to be going. So long suckers!" Johnny yelled. Both he and Myleene disappeared.

"What are we going to do now?" Jessie asked.

"There's nothing we can do except find out where they went," B'Elanna replied.

Back on the FVDA ship:
"Mwahahahaha, we're so evil," Johnny laughed. His clone laughed with him.

"Not as evil as me," Damien said.

"You're more evil," Saddam giggled.

"No you are," Osama laughed.

"No you!" Saddam said more forcefully.

"No you!" Osama yelled. Both of them started slapping each other.

"Oh great, they're having a lovers quarrel," Brannon muttered.

The ship shook violently, a load of consoles blew up. "Ohno, our cloak must be down. Voyager's found us!"

"No it's still up. Something else hit us," Johnny said.

"What else could of hit us?" Rick asked.

"I know what it was, we're being hailed by Bush and Blair's ship again," Damien replied.

The viewscreen came on. "Sorry, we were aiming for terrorists again," Bush said.

"Oh for crying out loud, your terrorists are 70 million lightyears and centuries ago away. Quit firing on us!" Rick yelled.

"Sorry, we thought if we tried aiming for you then we'll hit them," Bush said. The viewscreen changed view.

"Sounds like a plan," Brannon muttered. On the viewscreen the shuttle fired a missile, it turned around and hit themselves. There was a huge explosion. The shockwave hit the FVDA ship, they went flying.

"Ohno, this is not fair!" Johnny yelled.

"Damn you Bush!" Rick yelled.

"FVDA is blasting off again!" they all screamed.

Later, the Ready Room:
Tuvok, James, Jessie and B'Elanna were all standing in front of Kathryn's desk. It was covered in empty Diet Coke with Lemon bottles.

"James, you are a bad boy! You're grounded, get out!" Kathryn yelled.

James rolled his eyes and walked out, Jessie quickly followed him.

"Damn that bitch, get back here Jessie!" Kathryn yelled. B'Elanna looked rather nervous, so did Tuvok! "B'Elanna, how dare you betray my trust, get out of my sight before I throw a bottle at you!"

B'Elanna nodded and she rushed out of the room. "Tuvok, since you're my friend you are going to get it worse. How dare you betray my trust. Get out of my sight!" Kathryn yelled.

"That's the same Captain," Tuvok said. Kathryn growled at him. He rushed out. Kathryn sat back down again, she got a bottle of Diet Coke with Lemon from underneath the table. She drank half of the bottle in one go.

"I love being the Captain," she said happily.


****THE END****

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