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Episode Synopsis
Trapped on a strange planet, an awayteam are forced to save themselves from a ship crewed by the undead.

Please Note
This episode was released years ago as part of the site's revival in 2012.

Originally written for Season Three, Secret of the Revenge and its two sequels parody one of my favourite game series of all time; Monkey Island. I have tried to write it so even non fans can read it. However even with the edits, I still think Part 1 of this episode fails at this badly. Don't let that put you off though, from roughly 2/3's of the way through Part 1 it gets better.

New Scenes / Edited
May & June 2012
20th July 2012

Originally Written
31st August & 1st September 2002
8th - 9th November 2002

Episode Based In
July 2375

 

Craig tightly clutched onto the rope, trying to ignore the cramp in his right hand.

"Well well well, Craig, you've got yourself dug into quite a hole here."

"Oh very funny, Morgan."

Craig looked down briefly at the abyss below him. His attention went to his life saving rope, which was in a tangle around a branch. Said branch hung over the rather deep hole he was stuck in. Another rope fell nearby, Morgan carefully climbed down it.

"So, how did you get in this mess?" Morgan asked.

"Well I'll tell you when you get me out," Craig replied.

"No it's ok I have time," Morgan said.

"I could fall anytime..." Craig sighed.

"I told you, I have time," Morgan said.

Craig cleared his throat. "Ok, well it all started back on this away mission. We'd lost contact with Voyager, and we had no clue what to do..."

 

"It was rather dark, you could barely see a thing..."

"Any idea why we even came to this planet?" Morgan asked. All she got for an answer was nope, who cares and a few shrugs from the group.

"The real question we should be asking is how long until Lucas Arts decide to sue the writer?" Harry asked in a bored tone of voice.

"Not soon enough, let's see what she has in store for us today," Craig said.

The group sighed and they headed towards a small path. After a few minutes of walking they all reached the path down the hill. There was a small fire, and an old guy was standing at the edge of the hill.

Craig stepped forward. "Hi," he said loudly.

The guy jumped a mile, he walked over to the group. "Don't scare me like that young man, last time someone did that I fell down the cliff."

"Erm... I'm Morgan, it was him that spoke," Morgan muttered. The guy who was standing in front of her, turned to Harry instead.

"Nice to meet you Morgan," the guy said.

"Um, are you blind or what?" Craig asked.

"Why yes, I've been blind for years," the guy replied.

"Ok, that's better than my original theory," Tani commented.

"Well erm, I'm Craig Anderson..." Craig said.

"Who?" the guy asked loudly.

"Anderson, Craig Anderson!" Craig replied loudly.

"Yeah, he wants to be a pirate," Harry said.

"Hey, no I don't," Craig said.

"A pirate ey? You look more like a reject from some pop band," the guy said.

"Hey, that's not true... wait a minute, I thought you were blind," Craig said.

The guy looked nervous. "Well you see... erm, oh dear. Well the thing about that is. Look behind you a three headed monkey!" the guy yelled. Everyone looked behind them, then the old guy jumped off the side of the hill.

"Note to self, don't fall for that again," Craig said.

"Let's go... idiot," Harry muttered. He started to head down the hill, the others followed.

 

PART 1: The Three Waste of Times

The gang reached the bottom of the hill, the path lead to a bridge across deep waters. Just across the bridge was what looked like a pub. Craig headed towards it but Harry grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Where are you going?" Harry asked.

"Well a clue to what we're supposed to do might be in there, plus I wouldn't mind a pint," Craig replied.

"Neither would I," Tani said, she rushed towards the pub. The others quickly followed.

The pub was filled with a load of drunks, all of them were dressed up in pirate outfits. Some Monkey Island music was playing in the background.

"Great, just great," Harry muttered.

Craig started to head forward, but some guy fell from above and landed on top of him. The guy drunkenly pulled himself up, he went over to another guy. "I'll do that again."

"Don't you think you've had enough sir," the guy said.

"No, spin me!" the first guy yelled.

The second guy pressed a button, the fan on the ceiling lowered. The first guy jumped onto it, while it was still spinning. Then it went back up to the ceiling.

"This place is strange," Tani muttered.

"I think we'd better do some investigating," Harry said.

The group split up. Harry went over to a fat looking pirate guy. Morgan went over to some guy with a glass eye. Craig went to the more quiet side of the pub. Tani just wandered around, she caught sight of something so she went over to it.

"What a cute dog," she cooed as she knelt down in front of the dog.

"I'm not a dog stupid female. I am an Awoofe," the dog said.

"Erm, cute," Tani muttered.

"This thing you call an episode is full of dangers. Beware of Captain Buck," the Awoofe said.

"Captain Buck, nice name, did you make that up?" Tani asked.

"No you bimbo, god! Leave me alone and get a haircut," the Awoofe replied.

Meanwhile over at Harry's table. "It's one of those stupid stories that are too insane to believe," the fat pirate said.

"Don't worry about that, this is Season One," Harry said.

"Well go and ask Izaca over there, he takes the story very seriously," the fat pirate said.

Meanwhile Morgan was talking to this Izaca guy. "Why does your left eye not move?" she asked him.

"Well one day you could be innocently putting a contact lens in, the next you get the thing stuck in your eyeball. All you need is a blundering idiot that thinks pulling the lens out is the best treatment. This is a glass eye you see," Izaca said.

"It's very nice, can you take it out so I can see it?" Morgan asked. Harry came over.

"Maybe later. What can you tell us about this Captain Buck?" he asked.

The guy screamed like a sissy girl and hid under the table. "Who sent you?"

"Captain Janeway, she sent us down here for god only knows why," Harry replied.

The guy stuck his head out into view. "That's the one from Voyager right?"

"Er yes," Harry replied.

The guy slowly went back to his chair. "An evil woman she is, she stole our precious coffee grog."

Morgan pulled a face, "oh, is that what that green goop was?"

"Uh, about the Buck stuff..." Harry sighed.

"A Borg ship passed this planet some time ago. A strange crew that one. They buried some dead in the graveyard nearby. The Tolg assimilated all the recent graves, including Captain Buck," Izaca replied.

Morgan and Tani both looked worried. "What was his full name?" Tani asked.

"Legend has it his real name is Buck Rogers," Izaca replied.

Tani picked up a glass just so she could drop it to the ground in shock. "Buck Rogers! Oh god, I used to fancy him."

"Why am I not surprised," Harry muttered. "So Buck was assimilated by the Tolg, why is he considered a curse?"

"You see, when the several Tolg were disconnected from the Collective, they were all corrupted with evil. They started to terrorise this planet. This island in particular," Izaca replied.

Meanwhile Craig was talking to three fancier looking pirates. "How do I make a girl like me?"

"Become a pirate, she'll fall for you in a second," the one in red said.

"You answered all my questions with become a pirate, but this is the best one yet," Craig said.

"Aye, chicks like the tough guys," the one in blue said.

"But she's a tough kind of girl," Craig said.

"Even better, tough girls don't want wusses. Some do just to make them look even more tough, but they're rare," the one in red said.

"If all else fails, just get drunk with us," the one in green said. The three guys started laughing.

"So er, how do I become one?" Craig asked.

"You have to go through, the three trials," the one in red said.

"Ohno, it isn't one of those things where you have to solve millions of puzzles to perform the three trials," the one in blue said.

"Aye it is, but it's not so bad once you work it out," the one in yellow said.

Harry and Tani walked over to Craig. "Well I think we've found out what the episode's all about," Harry said.

"Yeah, I have to become a pirate to win Morgan over," Craig said.

Harry and Tani struggled to maintain a straight face.

"I'm warning you, if you say that again I may choke on my own laughter," Tani snickered.

"I'm serious, three easy trials and then I'll finally get her attention," Craig said.

"This I gotta see," Harry sniggered.

Craig tried to ignore them both, he turned back to the three pirates. "What are the three trials?"

"Number one is Treasure Hunting. Just find us a treasure, that's all there is to it. Number two, Stealing. After finding a treasure, you have to steal it for us. Number three is Sword Fighting. Just beat the Swords Master," the one in red said.

"Ookay, we've heard enough of that. Let's get out of here," Harry said. He headed towards the door, Tani followed. Craig sighed, then he followed. Morgan quickly dashed after them.

Meanwhile, on a faraway planet called Malain:
Some bad guy music was playing as the camera zoomed in on a ship that was hovering around underground lava pits. The music continued as the camera zoomed into the inside. A tall guy was talking to two smaller guys.

"And this is the Borg Queen," the taller guy said. He threw his wig onto the floor, and he strode across the room while trying to sway his hips. "I am the Queen, do this, do that. No, don't mutiny... aaaarrrgghh!" the guy screeched in a girly voice. The other two guys burst out laughing.

"Oh sir, you are so funny," one guy said.

"Yes I know I am, but seriously, did that walk look natural?" the taller guy asked.

The two smaller guys laughed nervously, they glanced at each other. Both of them shrugged. They were saved by some tall guy coming in the room.

"Buck, I have news," the guy said.

"What is it, Mr Stefani?" Buck asked.

"Well sir, a Starfleet ship called Voyager was in orbit of Melly. They dropped off several crewmembers," Stefani replied.

"Ohno, does this mean?" Buck said questioningly.

"Yes sir, Fifth Voyager readers saw your strode," Stefani said.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" Buck screamed.

"Now that you mention it, it did seem natural," one of the smaller guys whispered to the other.

"Voyager will pay, and I mean pay," Buck growled.

"Why don't we just take it out on the crewmembers on the planet. Rumour has it Morgan, Tani and two others are the main characters of the episode," Stefani said.

"Morgan? This is perfect, I have the perfect idea of how I can get revenge," Buck said. He started laughing evilly.

"Er, yes sir," Stefani muttered.

 

Meanwhile the group were walking through the small town, Craig was walking at the front.

"Do you think I should do the treasure hunting first?" Craig asked.

"No, I think you should get a brain. Don't you see, they're trying to con you. You have to bring back two treasures for them, then this Sword Master kills you off," Harry said.

"What makes you think the Sword Master will kill me?" Craig asked.

"One simple test. What's a sword?" Harry asked.

"I dunno," Craig replied.

"Nice knowing you," Harry muttered.

Craig wiped a tear from his eye, "no one's ever said that to me before." Everyone groaned.

A large woman hurried out of one of the buildings. "Young people, I am the Voodoo Lady. Want to hear your fortune?"

"Isn't she the character who's completely useless in the first game?" Harry asked.

"Yep, all you do is steal from her and leave," Morgan replied.

"Ok then," Harry said. He stole something from the Voodoo Lady's pocket, then the whole gang ran away.

"No come back! I am useful, I can give you some tips. Oh, I came on too strong again," the Voodoo Lady said. She sat down on the ground with tears streaming down her face. "I'm so desperately lonely," she whimpered.

One of the guys from across the street ran over. "Hey fatso, you just killed my pet rat!"

The Voodoo Lady stood up, sure enough she had totally squashed a rat. "I'm so sorry, I'll make it up to you. Want your fortune told?"

"So er, what did we get from the crazy lady?" Morgan asked.

Harry pulled a weird rubber chicken with a pulley in it from behind his back. "I have no idea."

The gang found themselves outside what looked like a church. Morgan looked around looking confused. "Where's Craig?"

"Good question," Tani said.

Meanwhile Craig was in a small alley, looking confused himself. "I'm sure I heard someone talking in here."

A tall guy creeped up behind Craig. "You know nasty things happen to people in dark alleys."

Craig jumped and he turned around. "Why, do you always hang around in them?"

The guy looked nervous. "No of course not. I'm the sheriff of this island, so don't cause any bother around here."

"Er, why not?" Craig asked.

"Because I said so, punk," the Sheriff said.

"Because why?" Craig asked.

"I said because!" the Sheriff moaned, he stamped his foot like a child.

"Ok I'll cause some bother," Craig said. He started to head out of the alley. The Sheriff stopped him.

"Listen Pansy Anderson, I don't like your attitude. I'll be watching you," the Sheriff said.

"Hey, how did you know my name?" Craig asked.

The Sheriff looked nervous. "Don't ask stupid questions, now get out of here before I get nasty."

Craig headed out of the alley and met back up with the others.

The Sheriff smiled. "Pansy Anderson, man I'm good."

 

The away team were all wandering around a strange creepy forest. They found two signs nearby a painted X on the ground.

"Wasn't that a little too easy?" Tani said questioningly.

"Nah, we'd better get digging," Craig said.

Everyone glanced at him, they all raised their eyebrows. "We?" they all said in unison.

"I'll share the treasure with you," Craig pleaded.

"Money's no object in this century," Harry said.

"Ok, I'll do some of your shifts," Craig pleaded.

"Oh please, I don't even do any shifts," Morgan said.

"Ok blackmail it is," Craig said.

Everyone looked nervous, they all picked up shovels that were conveniently lying around and started digging. Craig joined in with a smug look on his face.

The camera moved to show footage of the forest, interesting huh?

A FEW HOURS PASS:
The camera focused on the digging site. Craig was still digging, this time with a peed off look on his face. Tani was sitting nearby filing her nails, Harry and Morgan were talking about nothing in particular. The camera moved again.

A FEW MORE HOURS PASS:
The camera focused on the digging site. Craig was still digging, still with a peed off look on his face. Tani and Morgan were teaching Harry how to skip. Don't ask where they got the skipping rope from.

Craig's shovel hit something hard. "Hey, I've found something!" He pulled out a wooden box.

Everyone stopped what they were doing. "What's there, is it gold?" Tani asked. Everyone rushed over to the box, pushing Craig out of the way. Morgan opened the box. Tani grinned as she took something out of it. She revealed a really small t-shirt.

"Finally, something my size!" she grinned.

"Is that all?" Craig moaned as he looked inside the box.

"Yep, you'd better put the dirt back," Harry said.

Craig groaned, he picked his shovel back up. The camera moved again.

A FEW MORE HOURS PASS:
The camera focused on the digging site again. Craig was slowly turning insane as he was pushing dirt into the hole. This time Harry and Tani were skipping on their own, she had her brand new t-shirt on of course. Morgan was investigating a tree stump with a hole in it. She looked through a hole. Instead of the expected darkness, she saw what looked like a catacomb network. One of her earrings fell out, not long afterwards Harry pulled her head out of the hole.

"There's a catacomb network down there, I lost my earring," she moaned.

Harry glanced around, he nodded his head. "Ok, why don't you go and check that bush over there. You just might find an Egyptian Pyramid in there."

The camera moved out again.

A FEW MORE HOURS PASS:
The camera came back to the digging site once again. Everyone was standing nearby Craig as he finished putting the dirt back. Tani sniggered, then she burst out laughing. The others turned to her.

"What are you laughing at?" Craig asked looking rather irritated.

"I knew that you were peed off, but this is ridiculous," Tani sniggered. She pointed at the paint that used to resemble an X, it was now a P.

"Bad joke," Harry muttered.

Craig looked confused, "I don't get it."

Everyone groaned. "Oh forget it," Harry added on.

"Come on, I've got to do this sword fighting thing," Craig said.

"How the hell are you going to do it? You don't even know what a sword is?" Morgan asked.

"It's some kind of insult isn't it," Craig replied. Everyone rolled their eyes again.

A shop inside of town:
Everyone stepped through the main doors and they were all faced by a horrific sight.

"What do ya want?" a really ugly toothless old man asked from the counter.

"Er... do you have any swords?" Harry asked.

"You can't buy swords, idiot," Craig muttered, looking too smug for his own good.

The really ugly toothless old man went over to the side of the shop, and he picked up a sword. He went over to the counter again. The group went over to him.

"That's a sword? I always thought they were called big knives," Craig said.

"Bloody 'ell, your breath stinks, here take a whole roll of fresh mints. Please!" the really ugly toothless old man said. He took a packet of mints from his pocket and he handed them over to Craig.

"Oh he can't have them, his mummy told him not to take sweets from strangers," Tani said.

Craig put the breath mints in his pocket. "Hey wait a minute, if you have no teeth, why do you have mints?"

"Oh," the really ugly toothless old man said. He picked up a remote control, he pressed a button. The guy instantly got a full load of teeth in his mouth. "I keep swallowing my teeth, thanks for telling me I'd run out."

"Well we'd better be off to pick a few fights, put the sword in your pocket or something Craig," Harry said.

"My pocket's not that big," Craig moaned.

"Just put it in your pants, the main Monkey Island character puts loads of stuff in his pants," Morgan said with an evil glint in her eye.

Craig looked nervous, "ok then." He tried to manuvere the tip of the sword in his pocket, but it ripped the lining and kept going. The sharp pain in his thigh put a stop to that. Craig looked like he was going to cry as he pulled the tip back out.

In the middle of nowhere:
Craig put a mint in his mouth as the gang walked along a repetitive path. "Ooh, that's refreshing!" Craig suddenly blurted out. Everyone stopped and stared at him oddly. "I don't know why I said that," he muttered.

A really ugly but tough looking guy in a pirate's outfit walked up to the gang.

"Stopping a pirate is dangerous to yer health," the pirate said.

The gang glanced around at each other. "Er, we didn't stop you," Harry said.

"Shut up, don't make me say anymore lines. It's not part of my programming," the pirate said.

"Go on Craig, just challenge him," Harry whispered.

"But, what do I do?" Craig asked.

"Just insult him while you fight, that might work," Harry whispered in response.

"Er... I'm Craig, prepare to die," Craig said nervously.

The pirate screamed like a sissy, and he ran back the way he came.

"Will you stop saying that line, it scares everyone away!" Morgan snapped.

"It's not my fault they're wusses, I thought this one looked tougher than the others," Craig muttered.

"I thought he looked just like all the other pirates, only with different hair styles and clothes," Tani said.

"Oh screw this, let's just find that swords master," Harry said angrily, he stormed down the path. The others quickly followed.

"But don't we have to convince the really ugly toothless old man to ask her if we can see her, then follow him to find her?" Morgan asked.

"Oh come on, all you do is wander the forest and you can find her on your own, that's what the writer does," Harry said.

A FEW MORE HOURS PASS:
The group were once again in the forest, nearby a large chasm, looking rather lost.

"Well we're screwed. We really should have done what all the usual walkthroughs tell you to do instead of what a crazy lunatic does," Tani grumbled.

Right on cue the really ugly toothless old man walked past them. He turned around and flashed a torch in their eyes. Then he quickly pushed a nearby sign, a small tree trunk fell over the chasm. He walked across it.

"You were saying?" Harry muttered.

Meanwhile the really ugly toothless old man was talking to a young dark haired woman with green clothes on.

"How you doin'?" the really ugly toothless old man asked.

The dark haired woman snorted in disgust. "Don't you ever leave me alone? Now get lost or I'll sue you for harassment."

"Where are you going to do that, this island has no law offices," the really ugly toothless old man asked.

"Oh get lost old man, you are way over my age restriction. I only date 18 to 30's," the dark haired woman said.

The really ugly toothless old man grunted, he walked out of sight.

"So, what do we do now?" Craig asked.

"Go up and challenge her to a sword fighting match," Harry replied.

"But..." Craig muttered.

"Go on, you mighty pirate," Morgan said, and she sniggered. The others joined in.

Craig swallowed hard, he went towards the dark haired woman. The others followed only half way.

"How dare you approach the Swords Master without permission, which I certainly didn't do," the dark haired woman said.

"Er.... I'm selling these fine leather jackets," Craig stuttered.

Morgan slapped her forehead. "Oh Craig! Stop being a wuss."

"Really? Do you have any in size four?" the Swords Master asked.

"Er... yeah," Craig replied nervously.

"You're not really a jacket salesman, are you? You're here to show off for those stupid pirates in the pub," the Swords Master said.

"Um, no I'm not," Craig muttered.

"I must admit, you're the most cowardly one I've had sent to me. This should be quick," the Swords Master said. She pulled out a sword.

Craig glanced back at Harry who was carrying the sword. He threw it towards him, it landed point down near his foot. Craig picked it up.

"Have you done this before?" the Swords Master asked.

"Er, of course I have," Craig lied.

"I'm not fighting with you until you train and practise with pirates, I don't have time for amateurs," the Swords Master said.

"How come, all you do is dance around outside your house," Morgan asked.

The Swords Master looked nervous. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh screw this," Harry groaned, he pulled his phaser out and he shot the Swords Master. Everyone glanced at Harry with Pokémon Sweatdrops(TM) at the side of their heads. "Just take something from her, it'll prove you killed her."

"I'm not supposed to kill her, I'm only supposed to beat her with lots of insults," Craig said nervously.

"Oh come on, Craig, someone with a sign saying 'I'm an Extra, kill me off' on her back is supposed to be killed," Harry said.

"She doesn't have a sign on her back," Tani said.

"I meant metaphorically," Harry muttered.

Tani knelt down beside the Swords Master, she had a rolled up t-shirt in her jacket. She took it, and looked at it. It said I beat the Swords Master.

"Hey cool, another t-shirt in my size!"

"I didn't think pirates around here were so small," Morgan said.

"Come on, let's go before we get caught," Harry said. The group headed back the way they came. Not long afterwards a pack of wolf looking creatures ran up to the Swords Master and started fighting over her body.

The town centre:
"So all I need to do now is steal a treasure. But from where," Craig said to himself.

"Why don't you try a really posh looking place, they'll have some decent stuff to steal there," Tani said.

"Let's get this over with, we really need to get to the decent storyline," Harry groaned.

"Wait a minute, where in this town is there a really posh looking place?" Craig asked.

Outside the mayor's manor:
The group were standing not far from the gates of the manor.

"You must be crazy, a place like this'll be guarded heavily," Harry said as the group went through the gates. Just outside the manor were some poodles tied to a post. Everyone did the sweatdrop thing again.

"Is that it? God what a jip," Craig muttered.

The poodles spotted the group, they literally changed into very scary German Shepherds.

"Ok I know how we can get past these, all we do is spike some meat and then..." Craig said. Harry pulled his phaser out and shot all the dogs. "Or we could do that."

IMPORTANT NOTICE: These dogs are not dead, they are only SLEEPING! No animals were harmed during the writing of this episode.

"Errr... the phaser was on kill," Harry muttered.

Shut up, I only say what I'm told to say, murderer!

"Errr, oookay?" Harry muttered.

Don't oookay me, mister.

"Ok kids, stop fighting," Morgan said.

He started it.

"Did not, you narrator guy or girl," Harry said.

Did too.

"Oh for god's sake, let's just leave him," Craig said. He and the girls headed into the manor.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Harry Kim is now officially a red-shirted ensign.

"Hey! That's going too far!" Harry yelled.

Suddenly the pack of wolves that were with the Swords Master earlier appeared, they started chasing Harry. He shot them too.

"That's it, I quit. I'm going to the pub," Harry muttered. He headed back into town.

Meanwhile inside the manor:
The rest of the group hid behind a door as someone else strolled inside; it was the sheriff. He went into a large cupboard filled with lots of junk.

"Hey, maybe there's some valuables in there," Craig said.

"Somehow I doubt it," Morgan said.

Craig ignored her, he followed the sheriff into the cupboard.

"Does he have a death wish?" Tani asked.

"Probably," Morgan replied.

Er... BAM, BIFF, BAFF!

"Baff?" everyone said in unison.

Shut up, or you'll be red-shirts too.

"No! Not the red button!" the sheriff yelled.

KABOOM!

"Aaaarrrgghh! Gophers!" Craig screamed, like a girl that is.

Tani shook her head. "Wuss."

Morgan looked around, she spotted a really fancy looking statue. He went over to pick it up. "Do you think this'll be good enough for those dumb pirates?"

"Hell yeah," Tani answered. They both headed for the exit.

"Wait, what about Craig?" Morgan asked.

They stopped. "Oh yeah, of course," Tani laughed nervously.

Right on cue Craig smashed through a wall, he landed on his head. He got up straight away.

"Er, Craig... we have..." Morgan said.

"No time to talk," Craig said. He picked up a book from a bookcase, and he jumped back through the hole in the wall.

"He's nuts," Tani said.

"You just noticed?" Morgan said in disbelief.

"Oooh, a book... what are you going to do with that sonny boy?" the sheriff's voice asked.

"Wait and see," Craig's voice said.

The girls heard what sounded like a paper shredder.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Pretty colours!" the sheriff's voice squealed.

"Heh heh, sucker," Craig's voice sniggered.

"I take it this is a parody of a proper fight scene in the game, and it's only lame cos it's Craig who's fighting," Tani whispered to Morgan.

Morgan looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "seriously? Craig's probably tougher than the actual game hero."

A few minutes later Craig came out of the cupboard through the door. "I'll need a file to get into a glass container. It has this really pretty necklace inside."

"Why don't you just use this statue?" Morgan asked as she held up the statue he picked up.

"But that would mean that you stole it," Craig moaned.

"How would the pirates know?" Tani groaned. She stomped outside, shaking her head.

"It kinda beats the point of it all," Craig complained.

"I don't give a toss! We've wasted most of this episode on your little quest, we really outta get on with a more decent storyline!" Morgan yelled.

"Like what? No other interesting storyline has popped up, has it?" Craig asked.

The sheriff came out of the cupboard with bits of coloured paper all over him. He started staring at Morgan.

"What are you looking at?" she grumbled.

"A hot chick," the sheriff said.

"Ugh, you're not my type," Morgan groaned "We'd better be off, since we didn't steal anything you've got to let us go."

"You attempted to steal something," the sheriff said.

"Yeah he did, I'm outta here," Morgan muttered. She went outside too.

Craig smiled nervously. "Those pirates in the pub made me do all that, no hard feelings huh?"

Ten minutes later, the bridge:
Craig woke up with a rather nasty headache, and a stone tied to his ankle. The sheriff was standing in front of him, with his arms crossed. Craig pulled himself to his feet.

"This is the end of the line, pretty boy. My plans for Morgan are too important and much near completion to have it all messed up by the likes of you," the sheriff said.

"Erm, firstly how do you know her name? Secondly what do you have planned for her?" Craig asked.

"Shut up! If I told you it would spoil the rest of the episode," the sheriff replied.

"It's nearly half way through already," Craig said.

"Oh forget it. So long Pansy Anderson," the sheriff said. He tried to push the stone, but it wouldn't budge. "Come on, damn gravity!"

"Do you need a hand?" Craig asked.

"Yeah, that would be handy, hahaha," the sheriff laughed.

Craig groaned, he pushed the rock into the water. He fell in afterwards.

"Bwahahahaha, I'm so evil," the sheriff laughed. He headed into town, but he tripped over his own feet and landed on his face.

Thirty seconds later:
Craig climbed out of the water holding the rock. He threw it onto the bridge and he climbed up. Tani arrived on the scene.

"What are you doing here? Come to finish the job?" Craig asked.

"Nah, I came down here to save you," Tani replied.

"You did? I thought you didn't like me," Craig said.

"Well we haven't really said anything to each other before, just like all the other guys on the ship," Tani said.

"But I'm not like all the guys on the ship. All of them have or had a girlfriend. But me, I'm just a drifter, a loser, who would have cared if I'd let myself drown," Craig said.

"I would have, Craig," Tani said.

Craig started to head in the opposite direction to her, then some cheesy romantic music started when he stopped.

Puke bags on Stand-By! Puke bags on Stand-By! Puke bags on Stand-By!

Craig turned around and stepped forward. "Oh Tani."

Tani stepped forward again, "oh Craig."

Craig stepped forward again too, "Honey Muffin."

Tani stepped closer to him, "Snugglepuss."

Craig stepped closer to her, "Smoochums."

Tani stepped closer so they were only a few centimetres apart, "Sugar Bunny."

"Kiss me," Craig said.

"Ok then," Tani said a little too cheerfully. She puckered up.

Craig's eyes widened, the cheesy music cut off. "What the hell just happened!?"

"I dunno," Tani replied, still in the same position as before.

"Forget all that, please," Craig moaned.

"But why, I thought that you liked me," Tani said.

"You don't like me, do you?" Craig asked.

"Why not, that pirate heroey stuff is hot," Tani replied.

"Oh crap. I'm sorry, I only like Morgan," Craig said.

"Fine, break my heart like all the others," Tani huffed. She pushed Craig back into the water again, then headed into town.

A few seconds later Craig resurfaced, and he climbed back out of the water. He heard what sounded like a ship flying low nearby. He looked behind him and saw a creepy looking ship flying in his direction. It raised, flew above him, and then it flew into the sky.

Harry walked casually over to Craig.

"Where the hell have you been?" Craig asked.

"The pub," Harry replied.

The so called blind guy from earlier in the episode wandered over to the guys. "What are you fools hanging around here for, those two girls you were with have been kidnapped!"

"What? By who?" Craig asked.

"Captain Buck, I saw a horde of dead guys carrying the long haired one in his ship earlier. The short one just got dragged in before the ship took off. One second he was the sheriff, the next he was the Captain. He'll be heading for his hideout on the planet Malain," the so called blind guy replied.

"Wait a minute, you saw all that? Plus you knew what Craig looked like earlier. How can you if you're blind?" Harry asked.

"Oh papapishu!" the so called blind guy exclaimed before jumping into the water.

"I guess we'll never find out," Craig muttered. "So what do we do now?"

"Well surely Voyager will stop that ship if we warn them about it," Harry said. He tapped his commbadge. "Kim to Voyager?" All he got was an are you kidding look from Craig. "Oh yeah."

"Looks like we need a ship of our own," Craig commented.

Ten minutes later:
"Howdy, welcome to Stan's Previously Owned Shuttlecrashes, er I mean Shuttlecrafts. I'm Stan, and my job is to make you happy and..." A tall guy, with stripey clothes on and a stupid big hat on, blabbered as he waved his arms around.

"If you want us to be happy then shut up," Harry said.

Stan didn't hear him, he was still talking. "We've got small shuttles, large shuttles, fast shuttles, slow shuttles, extra crashing shuttles, blowing up shuttles, plot developing shuttles, malfunctioning shuttles, timeloop shuttles, you name it. I got them all, if I ain't got them all, I'll get them all. So what kind of craft are you looking for today?"

"Preferably a shuttle that doesn't crash," Harry replied.

"Error: Cannot understand previous sentence. Self Destructing in five, four, three, two, one..." Stan said in a computer voice. Then he exploded.

An arm landed on Craig's shoulder so he jumped a mile. Harry just laughed.

"Well done Harry, that's another thing you've killed in this episode," Craig stuttered.

"Oh well, we'll just steal one of the shuttles," Harry said, ignoring the last comment.

 

PART 2: The Journey to Nowhere

After three toilet breaks, and one stop at a space stations McDonalds, the guys' shuttlecraft finally arrive in orbit of Malain.

"Would you shut the hell up!" Harry yelled.

Don't tell me what to do, jerk.

"Would you stop picking fights with the narrator," Craig said.

"Make me," Harry said.

"That Tolg ship is in orbit, it hasn't detected us," Craig said.

"Good, we can board the ship, get the girls back, and maybe have time for a pint back at Melly," Harry said.

"Yeah good idea," Craig said.

"Someone should stay behind to guard the shuttle," Harry said.

Craig frowned, "you're just saying that so you don't have to do anything."

"Don't be daft, Craig. I don't need to lie to you to get out of this mess of an episode," Harry groaned. "I didn't even say I'd be the one doing that anyway."

"Ok sorry. So, who's going to stay behind?" Craig asked.

The Tolg ship:
A group of ex drones sat around what looked like their bridge, each of them had a few cards in their hands. A figure rematerialised nearby, luckily they were too busy to notice. The figure looked around.

"Ah crap," he muttered. This comment got the group's attention. "Uhoh."

Silently one of the men, who was one of the guys from earlier in the episode, chased after him.

After a few rooms the man lost who he was chasing, he quickly went back to his cards.

"Phew."

Inside a container, Craig stood up to peep out from the lid. He quickly hid again as a drone walked in and collapsed on a nearby bunkbed.

The Shuttle:
Harry by now had his feet up on the station, reading what looked like a strategy guide.

The console beeped at him, then a voice whispered from it. "Anderson to Kim."

"I knew it," Harry groaned. "What?"

"You could have at least given me your phaser."

Harry glanced over at the station nearby. His phaser was plugged into it. "No, I couldn't. What's the matter?"

"Well, you know how you beamed me to a ship full of ex Tolg drones."

"Yeah," Harry said with a frown.

"Surprisingly there are Tolg drones everywhere. Funny that."

Harry shrugged, "it's a puzzle game parody, I didn't think logic came into it. I mean they kidnapped two ex Borg's."

"Maybe you should beam over here. I can't go anywhere without being seen."

Harry flicked through the book he was reading, "hang on, I'm only at the bit with the sword master. After all the insults and comebacks you learn, she just gives you made up ones. Glad I shot that cheating cow."

"I think this dead guy can hear you."

Harry didn't seem to be listening, he turned the page. "Ah I got it. There's an item to make you invisible on the planet. With this strategy guide, the puzzles to get it will be a breeze."

The planet:
A group of aliens, barely dressed in primitive cloths, stood huddled in a group with their hands in the air.

"Give me the (censored) invisible head, you (censored) fools!" Harry screamed at them, pointing a phaser.

Meanwhile on the Tolg ship:
Craig had managed to escape the barrel he was in, and was now standing in a storage room. With a sneaky glance to both sides of him, he raised a small pickaxe and shovel.

Harry rematerialised behind him, with something roundish in his hands. "Ah ha, got it. Those puzzles were tough, but I did it!"

Craig used the shovel and axe to open a crate in front of him. He glanced back at his partner, "you shot something didn't you?"

"No actually, they were very co-operative," Harry commented. Craig smirked to himself. "Damn it!"

Craig reached into the crate, he pulled out a weird root looking thing. "Bingo!"

Harry frowned, "wait, what are you doing? I thought you were stuck."

"I was," Craig shrugged. "I overheard some drones talking about this root they got. Apparently it's very dangerous to Tolg people so they locked it away."

The colour in Harry's face disappeared, he clenched his fist. "You not only solved the puzzles, you also figured out how to solve the whole game?"

Craig smiled smugly at him, "yup."

Later, on the shuttle:
"The ship is heading out of orbit," Harry said.

Craig groaned from the floor, he sat up rubbing his chest. "Wait... what?" He quickly stood up. "You shot me?"

"You have no idea how hard it was to get that invisible head navigator thingy for you," Harry grumbled.

"Yeah I'm sure it was very hard to point a phaser," Craig groaned. "Did you at least bother to rescue Morgan and Tani?"

Harry's smile dropped, he cringed a little. "I knew I was forgetting something."

Craig groaned, "no wonder you need the phaser. Now where's the root?"

Harry clenched his teeth and inhaled through them, his eyes glancing to the side.

"Oh," Craig could only groan. "So now the ship is leaving. Where's it going?"

"Oh yeah. We'll soon see, I'll follow it," Harry replied.

 

PART 3: Nobody Kicks Butt

After all that the Tolg ship and the shuttle ended up back at the previous planet, and I just have to say one thing. Why wasn't I invited to the wedding for crying out loud!

"Oh shut up you arse hole!" Harry yelled.

The shuttle crash lands in the sea. SPLASH!

"Harry... did you have to?" Craig moaned.

"Oh come on, that comment it made wasn't funny," Harry said.

It wasn't meant to be funny.

"God it's serious? It wants to go to the wedding," Harry sniggered.

The shuttle started to leak, the crew only have a few seconds to escape or they'll drown.

"Ha, I win... beam us out," Harry said. Craig shook his head, he pressed a few buttons. They beamed out.

Everyone rematerialised on the bridge near the pub.

"We'd better get to the church, and fast," Harry said. Craig nodded, they ran off.

The church:
The boys arrived in the church. Loads of ex-Tolg people were in the seats watching the service. Captain Buck, the bride and the bridesmaid were standing in front of an ex-Tolg vicar.

"If by any reason someone objects to these people being wed, speak now or tough," the vicar said.

"Dear god, it stinks of Neelix's kitchen in here," Craig commented to Harry. He nodded in agreement, staring at the dead audience.

"Is that an objection, I can't tell?" the vicar asked.

Harry and Craig went down the aisle, both looking very determined, or just eager that the first game was almost over.

"What do you want?" Captain Buck asked.

"We've come to stop the wedding, and maybe steal some of the wedding snacks," Craig replied.

"You have some nerve doing this, I shall kill all of you," Captain Buck said.

"You can't do that," Harry said.

"And why not?" Captain Buck asked.

"Because we just saved you from marrying the wrong thing. If this is like the game Morgan has swapped herself with two monkeys," Craig said.

The bride turned around, she looked rather peeved. "Do I look like a monkey to you!" Tani growled.

The bridesmaid turned around. "Thanks guys, you really screwed it all up," Morgan moaned.

"But... what about her? Why does she have to go through the agony of marrying that ugly freak instead of you?" Harry asked.

"Oh gods, I'm ugly!" Captain Buck shrieked, he pulled a mirror out and shrieked again.

"It was my idea, Craig. You broke my heart, so it doesn't matter who I marry," Tani cried.

Morgan and Harry started sniggering. Craig's face went bright red. "I thought that scene was just a joke," he stuttered.

"Right, and I thought saying I don't and kicking him in the chin was crazy," Morgan giggled.

Tani shrugged, "well it was!"

Harry noticed the buffet and drinks table nearby. He grabbed a few bottles of beer. "Here, I'll get him drunk. That always works." He hovered an open bottle in front of Craig.

"Now for making me realise that I'm ugly, I will kill all of you... bwahahahahaha!" Captain Buck laughed. His right arm started spinning like in one of those silly cartoons.

Craig whacked the bottle out of Harry's hands, it flew in Captain Buck's direction. The beer managed to spill into his mouth. He stopped spinning his fist, and then started choking and shaking. He screamed as he collapsed. One Tolg knelt down beside him.

"Oh my, he's dead... again!" the Tolg guy gasped. Everyone but Harry gasped as well, he just looked confused.

"But how?" Harry asked.

"He must have been allergic to the barley in the beer," the Tolg guy said.

"I think this deserves a celebration, who agrees?" Craig asked. Everyone, including the Tolg people, cheered. The awayteam rushed over to the alcohol to get a much needed drink. Just then Harry's commbadge chirped so they all had to stop.

"Chakotay to Kim, get ready to return to the ship."

"No fair!" Morgan whined.

"Oh well, we can get a drink on the ship," Craig said.

"True, true," Harry said.

All of the group but Harry dematerialised. Harry looked around confused.

Haha, revenge at last... get em boys!

All the Tolg's put down their drinks and ganged up on Harry.

"I'll get you back someday," Harry said just before he disappeared from view.

 

"Yeah Craig, I was there. Mostly," Morgan muttered. "I thought you were in a hurry."

Craig's face went beetroot red, yet again. "Pretty much." He looked up to see if the rope he was hanging on was still ok. It was. "Ok, we had only just returned to Voyager a few hours ago, when Harry and I were haunted by the same dream."

Morgan sighed, "somebody really needs to teach you how to sum up."

 

TO BE CONTINUED

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