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Starships Cannot Run

Episode Synopsis
Voyager and the FVDA work together in a race against cowboy like aliens, to win an engine part that'll help them get home faster.

20th, 23rd & 24th July 2003

Episode Based In
January 2372 (mid season 2)


The bridge:
"Danny!" Kathryn yelled.

Danny glanced back, "yeah I'll get it, be patient."

The ship jolted forward, everyone stared in Danny's direction. "You stalled a spaceship," Harry muttered.

"Well at least I didn't think James was my fiancée in my sleep," Danny snapped.

Everyone glanced at Harry instead, he blushed crimson red. "Well he looks like a woman, well mostly sounds like one the way he moans all the time. Plus he's making up the story."

"Yeah sure," Danny said.

"Captain I recommend we find a better pilot, to train Miss Scott," Tuvok said.

"Oh dear god, it better not be.." Danny said.

Shuttle Bay:
"Instructor Tom Paris at your service," Tom said cheerfully.

Danny glared up at Tuvok, "can't you just fire me?"

"Don't complain, I'd rather do this than be in that security team any longer," Tom said. "I was in Sickbay for two hours in total, a week that is."

"Mr Paris, please begin your class I have to assign the new pilot," Tuvok said.

"Yes sir," Tom said. Tuvok headed for the doors. "Let's take her for a spin, ey," Tom said.

The bridge:
"What's this do?" Claire asked.

"That is the increase speed command," Tuvok replied.

"Ah what's this for?" Claire asked.

"The engage button," Tuvok replied.

"What about this?" Claire asked.

"A coffee stain, wait that's not a button," Tuvok said.

Kathryn's eyes widened, "did someone say coffee."

"No I said toffee Captain," Tuvok said. Kathryn groaned.

"What's that?" Claire asked.

"A substance that humans eat, it usually makes some humans put on weight, and give them heart problems," Tuvok replied.

"No, the button," Claire muttered.

"The stop button," Tuvok replied.

"Ok, this?" Claire asked.

Chakotay groaned nearby, "that'll be the button that kills the annoying pilot."

"There's a button for everything, well except for the inject all coffee into space one," Claire said.

"No it's there," Tuvok said. He pointed at one of the buttons. Claire pressed it.

"Hey!" Kathryn screamed, she ran into the turbolift.

"That button is a great new button, don't ya think?" Jessie said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Shuttle Bay:
"What do you mean by that?" Danny snapped.

"I mean wait until the doors have opened before setting off," Tom replied.

"Why didn't you just say so," Danny said.

Tom groaned, "now you can go."

"Great," Danny said. She keyed in a command, the shuttle literally shot out of the bay.

"Maybe I should go back to security," Tom mumbled.

Faye was wandering down the corridor, she failed to notice a tall guy following her. She stepped into a turbolift. When she turned around her eyes widened in panic.

The guy came into the turbolift. "Ah Faye, I had a feeling it was you. Think you could get away from me, huh?"

Faye glanced away just as the turbolift closed.

Shuttle Sacajawea:
Tom had his hands over his ears, Danny was dancing as she was working at the console. She started waving her hair about, some of it landed in Tom's face.

"Can you turn that crap off!?" Tom yelled over the 'noise'.

Danny started singing along to the chorus, "it's your duty duty, to shake that booty booty." As she sang the second part, she stood up and continued dancing.

Tom's eyes widened, "you're flying the ship Dan.. fly the ship."

Danny ignored him, and continued to dance. "Come on Tom, join in! It's your duty duty.."

Tom quickly sat in Danny's seat, "oh crap it's too late.. collision course!"

Danny stopped, "what?"

The Sacajawea crashed right into another shuttle, it went flying towards a nebula. The Sacajawea stopped nearby a space station, where other shuttles were hanging around.

Danny sat down in Tom's chair looking nervous, "I swear, if I knew there were people around I would have.."

"It doesn't matter.. you shouldn't have been dancing to Lene," Tom muttered.

Danny looked even more nervous, "it's a good song."

"We're being hailed by the shuttle we hit," Tom said. He worked at the station.

In: "Look Mr, you're seriously going to die for this. We have a dent in our shields now, you moron."

"Look I'm sorry, my pilot was distracted.." Tom said.

In: "I don't give a toss.. mess with us again and I'll seriously set my buddy Jamock onto you."

"Um.. that's nice. Sacajawea out," Tom said.

"This is weird, the station is surrounded by shuttles from different species," Danny said.

"Maybe we should be nosey," Tom said.

"Yeah, that'll make me a better pilot," Danny muttered.

"Nothing in this quadrant will you make you a good pilot, never mind a better one," Tom said.

"Arsehole," Danny grumbled.

Voyager, one hour later:
The Conference Room:
"It's a race," Tom said. Everyone stared at him, some people yawned at him. "Where we can win an engine part which'll let us fly at warp nine non stop, for a few months."

B'Elanna sat up in her chair, "that could really help our journey."

"Interesting, but can we actually join this race?" Chakotay asked.

"Very easily. All races can join.. well mostly," Tom replied.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, the guys we hit must be in this race," Danny said.

"So?" Tom said nervously.

"How do we enter?" Kathryn asked.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "we shouldn't Captain."

"Why not, we could use a little fun," Kathryn said.

"Actually Captain, just one more thing. Voyager is too large to take part, we have to use shuttles," Tom said.

"Not a problem, we can make all our shuttles take part. We'll have a bigger chance of winning," Chakotay said.

"Just a thought, there's no planets in the course is there?" Harry asked.

Tom turned pale, "oh crap, I dunno."

"Well, it looks like we have a challenge on our hands. Claire, set a course for that space station," Kathryn ordered.

Claire pulled a face, "fine.. but it'll take a while."

A little while later:
The FVDA ship flew towards the space station, a piece of it fell off and floated away.

"Boss we shouldn't have picked a fight with the Kazon, what were you thinking?" Justin said.

"They annoyed me, their hair is weird," Damien muttered.

"Actually one was quite cute," Myleene cooed. Damien stared at her in disgust.

Justin grinned, "you mean the one with the brown tan, not the red?"

Myleene giggled, "oh yeah."

Damien stared blankly at the pair, "um ookay, get to shuttles people and quickly."

Justin and Myleene skipped towards the door arm in arm like best buddies. Johnny passed them carrying his 'son'. "Since when did they come friends?"

"Don't worry it won't last long, they fancy the same Kazon," Damien muttered in response.

Johnny Junior rolled his eyes, "oh yeah, the one they both flirted with. Wasn't a pretty sight."

"I know, a Kazon and Justin Freakface.. really freaky," Damien said.

"No.. I meant Myleene and the Kazon," Johnny Junior said.

Damien shrugged, "doesn't matter, that Kazon actually wanted Justin.. god probably doesn't even know why."

"He was blind and deaf sir," Johnny said.

"Aah.. then why didn't he like Myleene too then?" Damien asked.

"Because he's very stupid.. everyone knows Justin is the most annoying out of the two," Johnny Junior replied.

"Of course.. can you just get to your shuttle. The race will be starting soon," Damien said.

"Aye aye sir," Johnny said. He dropped Johnny Junior on the ground, and ran off.

"I really hate that guy," Johnny Junior grumbled.

The ship shook, Damien fell over as a result. "What the hell was that?"

"It felt like the ship shook," Johnny Junior replied sarcastically.

Damien glared at him, he went over to the nearest station. "Hey, one of the shuttle's is firing at us."

"What the hell for?" Johnny Junior asked.

"Do you think I know everything!?" Damien yelled.

"No.. of course not," Johnny Junior laughed in response.

Damien pouted, "I do know actually. That bit of the ship that fell off crashed into the shuttle that's attacking."

"Oh oops," Johnny Junior muttered.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Damien exclaimed.

"What?" Johnny Junior said.

"Voyager's coming.. why am I not surprised?" Damien said.

"You sounded surprised to me," Johnny Junior grumbled, he left the room.

Voyager, the Bridge:
Kathryn, Chakotay, Tuvok, Harry and Jessie were in their usual spots, Claire was at the helm and Danny was back at her Science station.

"Captain, the FVDA ship is here," Claire said.

Kathryn sat up, she tried to look dramatic, "what are they up to this time."

Chakotay covered his face, "great, we sound like cheesy good guys."

"They obviously just wanna race or something," Jessie said.

"Or picking a fight, those aliens we crashed into are attacking them and their shuttles," Danny said.

"Should we help them?" Harry asked.

"Nah, I don't like them," Kathryn replied.

"Captain, they're getting their a**es kicked," Danny said.

"And?" Kathryn muttered.

"Maybe if we help them they'll be at little less annoying to us," Chakotay said.

Kathryn groaned, "fine. Send the aliens a warning shot."

"Aye Captain," Tuvok said.

"The ship's retreating and coming for us, well done," Claire said.

"Hail them," Kathryn ordered.

"Yes ma'am," Harry said.

The viewscreen activated, it showed two guys with cowboy like outfits on. The one closer to the screen was smoking. "What the hell do ya think ya doing, this is our fight," the smoking one snarled.

"Yes well this a race, not a battlefield.. Mr?" Kathryn said.

"Chone, this is my mate Jamock," the smoking guy said.

The other one took off his hat, "ma'am.. woah, there's some nice ladies in there."

"Jamock, later," Chone grumbled.

"Cut them off," Kathryn ordered.

"Well the FVDA are hailing us now, this is going to be good," Harry said.

"Ok, put them on screen," Chakotay commanded.

Damien appeared on the screen looking nervous, "I didn't start that fight, Justin Timberlake did I tell ya."

Kathryn and Chakotay glanced at each other. "Uh huh, well we hate to sound nothing like cheesy good guys here," Chakotay said, he coughed. "But you owe us one."

Kathryn glared at him, "what, what?"

Damien pulled a face, "I do.. what do I have to do? No, I'm not going out with Janeway."

"Hey!" Kathryn exclaimed.

Chakotay laughed, "no, we're not that cruel." Kathryn glared at him again. "You're joining this race, right?"

"Yeah, what's it to you?" Damien said.

"Our shuttles are going to lose when they go near planets, for one thing you can tell us what the course is like," Chakotay said.

Damien raised his eyebrow, "we're not suppose to know, and besides the station keeps an eye on all communications between ships." He stepped closer to the viewscreen, "why don't we meet on one of your ships." The viewscreen went off.

Harry looked like he saw Earth on his computer screen, "oh my god, they're lowering their shields."

Chakotay smiled smugly, "can't keep battering the bad guys, guys. If we do, we'll be just as hated as the twerps from Pokémon."

"From the look on Damien's face he's going to cheat, why else would he want to meet us here," Kathryn said.

"Look all we need to know is if there's any planet's in the course, he obviously knows," Chakotay said.

Claire put her hand up, "question. You said he owes us one, is that all he's going to do for us?"

Chakotay smiled, "he's going to cheat alright, and we have to win this."

Kathryn put her hands on her hips, "we are not doing that Chakotay."

"No we're not going to cheat with him, we're going to team up with him to make sure he doesn't. We'll win fairly," Chakotay said.

"Except that we will know if there's planet or not on the course," Claire muttered.

"Captain, I must object to this plan," Tuvok said.

"Me too Tuvok, but if we want to win this. Damien will cheat, and we at least need to know how," Kathryn said.

Chakotay turned to Harry, "contact transporter room. Tell them to beam our guest aboard."

Harry nodded, "yes sir."

Conference Room:
Damien was in a laughing fit, while everyone else just watched him in bemusement. "You want to work with us, this is bizarre," he managed to say.

Kathryn smiled sweetly, "Damien, you are the kind who cheats in these competitions, am I right?"

Damien laughed again, "you goodie two shoes want to cheat with me, that's a good one."

"The only cheating we'll be doing is checking the course for planets," Chakotay said.

"You're not suppose to see the course until it starts, you can't be prepared for the obstacles," Damien said.

"So there must be planets," Tom said.

Damien pulled out a PADD, he handed it to Tom. "There you go, the whole course. I still don't get this whole teaming up thing though, I've paid you back."

"Not by a long shot. If you're cheating away, we won't be able to win. We have to win," Chakotay said.

"That's not my problem," Damien said.

"Tell me though, can any of your stupid celebrities fly shuttles?" Tom asked.

Damien pulled a face, "no, they're useless. The only thing they're good for is annoying people."

"Then let us team up ok. No cheating, not including the course thing, and we'll share our shuttles and mix our teams together. What do you say?" Chakotay said.

"Fine, but if we win I have to get a share of the prize. That's impossible to do," Damien said.

"Not really, I could probably duplicate the engine once we've got it," B'Elanna said.

"That's a thought, why do you want this engine?" Harry asked.

"That fight with the Kazon screwed ours up, we can only go at warp for so long before it gives up," Damien replied.

"Ok maybe it'll be easier to fix your engine. Remember we are doing you another favour by letting you borrow better pilots," Kathryn said.

Damien groaned, "fine."

A little while later:
Captains Log Stardate 49345.2: Ok I'm just guessing there. Anyway, six shuttles, three belonging to us, have been entered in the race. They are all at the starting line, so now I can just sit back and have a coffee. You know this is a disaster, I haven't had a coffee in ten minutes, yeesh.

In: "Welcome everybody to the race. Now let's introduce our racers. Blah, blah, blah.. and now let's introduce the Voyager and FVDA alliance. In Shuttle 1 we have Danny Scott and Tom Paris. In Shuttle 2 we have Claire, and somebody called Boring Tuvok."

"That is not my name," Tuvok muttered. Claire grinned innocently.

In: "In Shuttle 3 we have Lisa Lillis and Ian Richards. In Shuttle 4 there's Faye O'Tani and Damien. In Shuttle 5 we have Myleene Klass and Craig Pansy Anderson."

"Hey, who did that?" Craig moaned.

In: "And last but certainly.. cough, not least, Shuttle 6 we have Lawrence and Justin Timberlake."

In: "Um, this is a race, not a space battle.. what's going on?"

In: "Quickly start the race, 5, 4.. oh to hell with it, go."

All but one of the shuttles took off, Shuttle 6 stalls with smoke coming off it. Shuttle 4 flies back, and fires on Shuttle 6, it flies away.

"Damn it.. why did that happen. Was it something I said?" Justin asked.

The unknown crewmember who Faye saw, obviously Lawrence, rolled his eyes, "why me?" He pulled out a phaser and shot Justin.

In: "And they're off.. well they were off a few seconds ago, I was paying attention honest." Everyone heard some commotion. "Ok, what happened there, Shuttle 6 was on the line that leads to the booby trap. We have to get that shuttle going."

In: "Uh, you forgot to switch the intercom off."

In: "Oh you stupid mother f..."

Everyone in the Mess Hall had gathered around a small TV screen in the corner. Almost everyone was cheering along, the others were just blind drunk, and fighting with someone else. Yes already.

Neelix tried to pull some crewmembers apart. "Hey, no fighting in the Mess Hall. Do it outside."

Everyone stopped fighting, they all went outside.

Neelix sighed, he went over to the kitchen and picked up a tray. He went over to Kathryn, "Captain, I sorted out all the fighting. Now can I serve my new Leola Root cupcakes?"

"Um.. I'm not the Captain," Kathryn stuttered. She rushed over to the replicator.

A few minutes later:
Everyone in the room was now fighting, the TV screen was now a pile of ash on fire in the corner.

Kathryn turned away from the replicator hyper as usual. She tapped her commbadge, "um, can we have security in the Mess Hall.. oh and some real coffee."

Shuttle 6:
"Ok, we're now under way. Let's catch up with everyone and win this race," Lawrence said.

Justin woke up, he glanced at Lawrence, "they're on Lap 2."

"So, we can just pretend we're on Lap 2 as well... wait, why are you awake?" Lawrence muttered. He shot Justin again.

Meanwhile, Shuttle 1:
"Tom, you fly like an old lady. Let me fly," Danny moaned.

"Well you fly like a woman full stop," Tom snapped.

Danny glared in his direction. She looked around, she spotted something at the back of the shuttle. After going over there, she picked up a convenient baseball bat, don't ask, and she hit Tom over the head with it. "Yey, now I'm flying." She jumped into the pilots seat.

Shuttle 2:
"Hey this is weird, Shuttle 1 has just went backwards," Claire said.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "according to the scanners there is only one lifesign on it."

Claire grinned, "cool Danny killed Tom, it's about time."

"It's coming back," Tuvok said.

"Damn," Claire groaned.

"This is strange, Shuttle 3 has just stopped," Tuvok said.

"Which one's that?" Claire asked.

"I will contact them," Tuvok said. He fiddled with another part of the station.

Meanwhile on Shuttle 3:
"See I told you this was a good idea, this way no one will catch us," Lisa giggled.

"Yeah, come here," Ian said.

Um.. we'll come back later.

Shuttle 2:
"No response," Tuvok said.

"Isn't that Lisa and Ian's shuttle?" Claire said questioningly.

"Indeed," Tuvok said. It then hit him, "I know why, it doesn't matter. I'll continue."

Claire rolled her eyes, "fine.. it's not like you were flying anyway."

"I am," Tuvok said.

"God, how old are you.. two hundred? You can go over the 50 mile an hour limit," Claire muttered.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "I am flying at half impulse."

"Whatever, everyone else is at three quarters you moron," Claire said.

"Well you should only go at your fastest when you're nearing the end," Tuvok said.

"No.. that's only when people are running you twit. Let me fly," Claire said.

"No, you are only a trainee," Tuvok said.

"Trainee my a**, if tractor's flew in space one would overtake," Claire said.

"Tractor?" Tuvok said, sounding confused.

Claire groaned, she stood up. She smiled deviously as she went up behind Tuvok. She gave him a Vulcan neck pinch, he fell unconscious. "Ha, you don't like it do ya."

Voyager, the Bridge:
Kathryn stumbled onto the bridge looking drunk, as usual. "Well?"

"It's not looking good. Shuttle 6 is a lap behind, Shuttle 1 is flying like Danny's at the helm, Shuttle 3 has stopped," Chakotay said.

"Are we winning or not?" Kathryn asked.

"No, and there's only one lap left," Chakotay replied.

"Boy that was quick," Harry said.

"That's enough out of you," Chakotay muttered.

Harry pulled a face, "arsehole."

Shuttle 6:
"They're in the final lap, and we're in our second, what are we going to do?" Justin asked, all panicky.

"Would you stop coming back to life, god!" Lawrence yelled. He shot Justin again. He looked around, he picked up a nearby baseball bat. I don't know how they keep finding these, so don't bother asking. "Next time you moron." He smiled evily. "Now to win this race, mwahahahahaha."

Shuttle 5:
"Oh my god.." Craig stuttered.

Myleene stood up, she stood behind him and started to stroke his hair. "What is it cutey."

Craig's eyes widened, "oh crap, I'm gonna die."

"Not when you're with me sweety," Myleene cooed.

"Uh.. Shuttle 6 has gone to warp and I need to wash my hair," Craig stuttered.

"It seems fine to me," Myleene said.

Craig pressed a button on the other side of the console, he leaned in close to it, "somebody help me."

Shuttle 4:
"We're receiving a distress call from Shuttle 5. Why am I not surprised, it's Myleene's," Damien said.

"Don't get it, what's wrong?" Faye asked quietly.

"Speak up brat," Damien snapped.

Faye turned back to her console, she started cursing quietly.

"What? Oh screw it," Damien said. He keyed in some commands. He and Faye overheard Craig's message. "I knew it, Myleene's found another toyboy."

Faye giggled, "Craig?"

"Yeah, she is a desperate hussy," Damien said.

"Hey that's not right," Faye muttered. Damien rolled his eyes, he moved his chair closer to Faye's. "Shuttle 6 is at warp, warp's not allowed in this race right?"

"No.. damn it, I aimed for the warp core," Damien groaned.

"Who's in that shuttle anyway?" Faye asked.

"Weren't you paying attention at the beginning?" Damien groaned.

"No," Faye said.

"Ugh.. Justin Poophead and some guy called Lawrence," Damien said.

Faye turned pale, "Lawrence. why did somebody let him fly? He always cheats."

"You know a guy called Lawrence, that explains everything," Damien muttered.

"What do we do?" Faye asked.

Damien smiled evily, "I know what to do, just leave it to me."

Shuttle 6:
"Ha, we're going to win now," Lawrence muttered to himself.

"You'd think we would have passed the end line by now, we're at warp for crying out loud," Justin commented.

"Well it's hard to fly a course like this at warp, you moron.. oh for crying out loud!" Lawrence exclaimed.

"I was just saying," Justin said meekly.

"Stupid pansy," Lawrence muttered.

Justin's console started beeping in a strange way, like it was playing a tune. Justin grinned, he started singing.

Lawrence covered his ears, "what are you doing.. nooo, stop!" He tried to reach for the baseball bat again but he couldn't unblock his ears for any amount of time.

"Cry me a river, oh cry me a river," Justin squealed.

"Aaarrgh, stop it!" Lawrence screamed.

Shuttle 4:
"It's working.. he's dropped out of warp and, oh crap," Damien said.

"What?" Faye said.

"Shuttle 3 is in the way, why couldn't they stop their shuttle out of the way of the course?" Damien said.

Shuttle 3:
"That beeping is really annoying me," Lisa moaned.

Ian pulled away from her, "I'll check it out." He stood up, and headed over to the console. "Son of a.. Lisa, how do you move this thing?"

Lisa stared blankly, "you're asking me?"

"It was nice knowing you," Ian stuttered.

Voyager, the bridge:
"Shuttle 6 and 3 have just crashed," Harry said.

"On screen," Chakotay commanded.

"Aye sir," Harry said.

Everyone cringed as they glanced at the viewscreen. "That's not pretty.. is Justin immortal or something?" Chakotay said.

"Why is he dancing while floating in space?" Harry asked, looking rather scared.

"Who cares, as long as we can't hear him," Chakotay replied.

"Um he's not dancing, he's in a lot of pain I think," an unknown crewmember pointed out.

"Meh, same thing," Chakotay muttered.

"No it's not, when Justin dances other people are in a lot of pain, not him. Arsehole," Harry said.

Chakotay glared, "that's it Harry, cleaning toilet duty now."

"Damn it," Harry moaned. He went into the turbolift.

"Oooh look, Shuttle 4 and another shuttle is nearing the finish line," Kathryn giggled.

"Look? Look at what.. hey, you have a mini TV," Chakotay said angrily.

Kathryn hid the mini TV behind her back, "no I don't."

Chakotay rolled his eyes, "unknown crewmember 2, put the finish line on screen."

"I have a name you know, it's Harold Ja.." the unknown crewmember said.

"I don't care, on screen please," Chakotay snapped.

Harold pulled a face at him, he worked at the opps station. The finish line came on the viewscreen. Two shuttles were heading towards it.

"We're going to win, how predictable," Chakotay said.

"Wait, is that other shuttle our old friends, you know," Kathryn said.

"Yes, this is going to be interesting.. yeah right, this is the wrong show," Chakotay muttered.

Shuttle 4:
"Oh great, it's the cowboy dudes. Full power to engines," Damien ordered.

"I thought you were flying," Faye said.

"I know that, I was telling myself," Damien said.

In: "Hey, you're not going to win this race. We have a secret weapon."

"This'll be interesting," Damien said.

"It will?" Faye said questioningly.

The other shuttle:
"Do it Jamock," Chone ordered.

"Hey I'm the boss man," Jamock snapped.

"Shut up man, do it," Chone said angrily.

"No, I'm sick of taking your orders. I'm the boss around here," Jamock said.

"You fool, they'll cross the finish line if you don't do it now," Chone said.

"Don't care, I quit, no I have something even better. I'm going to kick your sorry cowboy arse," Jamock said.

"Oh yeah, that'll win the race," Chone muttered.

Shuttle 4:
"Gee this is taking longer than I thought, why does this bit always go in slow motion?" Faye asked.

"Oh it's not, crap I pressed the slow down button. Sorry about that," Damien replied.

"Oh, right," Faye said.

Voyager, the bridge:
"They did it, they won.. we won. What do we win, coffee?" Kathryn asked.

"Shut up you stupid whore," Chakotay groaned.

"Oh my.." Kathryn gasped, she fainted.

"I have been waiting two weeks to say that to her again," Chakotay said.

"Two?" everyone said.

"Ok one," Chakotay muttered.

The Mess Hall:
Everyone in the room, well that was conscious obviously, were still fighting away. Security team 1 were hanging around nearby, watching of course.

"Should we stop them now?" Foster asked.

"Nah, I'm having an episode off, haven't you noticed?" James replied.

"Yeah, wasn't that your only line. Way cool," Thompson said.

"What was that supposed to mean?" James asked.

"Uh, it was a cool line," Thompson stuttered.

Foster groaned, "here we go again."


****THE END****

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