Previous Episode <<  >> Next Episode

Episode Synopsis
In order to free Tani once more from their undead enemy Buck, Harry and Craig unwittingly unleash a curse on the system they stumble into.

This episode was started during the revival years, then had more written for it during the usual Jan break in 2014. I'm a little worried there will be some differences between the older stuff and the new, as like with Reboot Caretaker this episode's been in the WIP folder for many years. Better to warn in advance in case there is.

Anyway this is a sequel to the Monkey Island parodies Secret of the Revenge and Escape From The Curse. Unlike them Tales is a completely brand new entry to this series, since the game it is parodying didn't exist when the episodes were first written for Season Three. Now Tales of Monkey Island was a little different; chapters of the game were released monthly, it was a different company but still had a few of the old staff members involved, areas you could go to were whittled down. Even though the first two games were remade, LeChuck's VA was at first unavailable for Tales, Elaine's from Curse returned and sounded like a shrill 50 year old with a lisp (shame since I preferred Curse's VA). I'm listing this stuff and other than the locations being limited, I can't see them affecting the parody. Oh well. Just in case.

May 2012
2nd, 19th November 2013
7th, 8th, 13th January 2014
6th October 2017
Unknown dates Oct/Nov 2017

Episode Based In
May 2376


Previously on Fifth Voyager rips off the Monkey Island series;

"Errr... the phaser was on kill," Harry muttered.

"Bwahahahaha, I'm so evil," the sheriff laughed. He headed into town, but he tripped over his own feet and landed on his face.

"Why not, that pirate heroey stuff is hot," Tani replied.

"Give me the (censored) invisible head, you (censored) fools!" Harry screamed, pointing a phaser.

"We've come to stop the wedding, and maybe steal some of the wedding snacks," Craig replied.

"Oh gods, I'm ugly!" Captain Buck shrieked, he pulled a mirror out and shrieked again.

"Sounds realistic," Morgan said. Everyone turned to her all with raised eyebrows. "Oh come on, it's Fifth Voyager remember."

Craig carefully stepped backwards, "well, um... is this your creepy corridor by any chance?"

"Who am I, the programmer? Just put a costume on," the woman replied.

"Phaser's taking ages to recharge," Harry said. "We're screwed."

"I think I preferred Craig in a dress," Morgan stuttered.

"Oh yeah, well I landed with a view," Harry stuttered.

"They should be ok. The good guys don't die in the Monkey Island games," Morgan sighed. Harry pulled a face, "why do I get the feeling that was an irony joke?"

"Which makes me Elaine, yeesh," Tani grumbled. She sat back up, "now pucker up Craigbrush."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "If you tell me I can't get this item unless I'm working on the statue, ship or crew puzzles, I'll put this on the painful tickle mode first and work my way up."

Harry fired the phaser at him. "Orange."

Craig stood there with his arms folded, his eyes still very wide. Only now his face was covered in lipstick marks. "Hey, I didn't realise that she'd find delivery boy a more exciting job than Security or piracy!"

Tani shrugged, then looked back at him. "I pretended to go to the bathroom, but they charge ten pence to use it."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's shoot some puzzles," Harry giggled as he ran out of the the tiny ship.

Craig pouted, he looked behind him at the guard. "I could have lied and said that I wrestled him into it. Do you really think if I was going to lie, I'd say a duck did it?"

Morgan shrugged, "I'll see you soon, Harry."

"Oh yeah! Well that dress makes you look like a cow!" Harry badly retorted.

Craig pulled a face, "ew, don't start with the exclaiming. This is the reboot Season One, not the original."

"Pfft, this amnesia side quest better help us out and not be some stupid excuse for a plot twist. I'd be so mad if that happens," Harry marched off.

"Oh dear, I parked my backup ship in there," Buck Statue complained.

Harry then quickly nudged Pinch-Nose underneath it just in time for a witty retort. "I'll see you soon, Pinch-Nose." He quickly ran off to the monkey for cover. "You will? That's worrying," Pinch-Nose said.

And now the really unfunny conclusion presented by the best character; me, the Narrator.

Um, I assume I'm in this right? Right!?


Deep in the middle of an asteroid belt, on top of one of the largest asteroids, sat a small alien craft. Inside it a large, familiar man was cackling away whilst holding a small alien by the scruff of his neck.

"At last, I finally have my bride, ahahahaha!"

Sitting opposite him, tied up to what looked like a ceiling support with rope, was Tani. She huffed, rolling her eyes. "Look you crazy decomposer, I'm not the one you're after!"

Buck chose to continue his speech anyway. "Soon this area of space will belong to me, and we shall rule it together, my beloved. All I need now is these little vermin to complete the rites, and we'll be off on our honeymoon."

Tani shuddered, "oh god."

"How does a week in Hell sound, hmm?" Buck cackled at her.

"Sounds like, well, hell actually," Tani mumbled to herself. She looked up with a determined look in her eyes. "Look mister, you've kidnapped me four times, surely you must have noticed one of those times that small, tiny detail." He stared at her, puzzled. "I'm not Morgan!"

"Three," Buck corrected her.

"Um no, four. First time for that wedding. Second the theme park, third roller coaster. What's your issue with that, by the way? Tani rambled. "Then that ridiculous giant..."

Buck's face crinkled in rage, his voice tried to hide it, "oh aye. The fourth time with the giant voodoo lady, and the stab in the heart. I didn't even capture you then, my dear."

Tani shook her head, "what? No! That's ridiculous yes, but that's not even the same series."

Buck looked a little relieved but still confused. "Giant sea or space creature eating ships?" Tani shook her head again. "Cursed coins? Fountain of youth?"

"Oh for god's sake," Tani groaned. "Giant statue of you, guy with no nose."

"Do you think we're in a Pirates of the Caribbean parody, love?" Buck asked.

Tani kicked her legs out, hitting nothing but it still eased her rage a bit. "No, that's you! No wonder you keep getting Morgan and I confused."

"No matter, I'll impress ye when I command the entire sector. Then the quadrant. Are you yet, 'cause I am getting a little tired at the moment."

"I'll be a lot more impressed if you impaled yourself," Tani huffed.

"Really?" Buck was about to do what she said, but he only managed to poke himself. He pulled the sword back, "ow! No."

Tani rolled her eyes, "any minute now the knight in shining armour I ordered will show up. I hope. My ropes are itchy."

Buck laughed, only halfheartedly and a little strained as he was still recovering from his stab. "Not even Phaser Happy Kim and Pansy Anderson will rescue you now. I left them to be torn apart by my pet piranha kittens."

The intercom buzzed nearby, both of them could hear everything on the other side.

"Of course I had to shoot them; one was going for my eye!"

"It wasn't even near your knee. You just like shooting things."

"Uh, did you actually hail him?"

"No... Oh crap."

"Arrrgh not you again!" Buck screeched. He tossed the alien side to side before dropping him. Then with a press of a button he put a fake smile on his face. "Ah my friends, it's so good of you to join us."

"Uh, two way hail," Craig's voice mumbled.

Buck growled like he was there in front of him. "Whatever. How did you enjoy your little trip to the locker?"



Tani sighed, "I think he's in denial about the fourth game. Just go with it."

"Oh yeah, it was fine," Craig's voice sighed.

Harry laughed slightly, "yeah, too much turtle combat, not enough rum drinking. Now can we just get on with it, four of these were bad enough."

"No two, the first four games are two episodes. This is the third," Craig muttered.

Buck's eyebrow twitched, "combat you say?"

Meanwhile on the nearby shuttlecraft:
"I hope that thing works. I don't like the idea of being beamed over with a dud," Craig said.

"It'll work," Harry said as he turned his seat away from the front window. Right in front of them was Buck's larger shuttle. "Now get ready, the combat comment should have peed him off enough to pick a fight." Sure enough Buck's ship quickly turned to face them and picked up speed. Craig turned his head slightly so he could see this. "The new shields should overload his phasers and affect his..." The shuttle shook violently just as its view of anything else was obscured by the ship.

"Yep that worked," Craig commented.

Harry stared at him. "Well go, no shields."

"Why me?"

"Rock beats scissors."

Buck's ship reversed and then headed forward again.

"Then again, a team effort could be useful," Harry muttered to himself.


Buck laughed as he watched the Voyager shuttle explode on his screen. "Now with that distraction out of the way, I can continue the ceremony." He grabbed the alien again, the others could only watch in their cages.

"Prepare for the distraction!" Harry announced.

Buck looked down to see Harry standing in front. "What distraction? Where?"

Harry pointed behind the corpse, "there."

"Here?" Buck pointed behind him.


"Hmm, interesting." Buck turned just in time to see Craig. He stabbed him in the stomach with a curved sword. "Owee! That was sneaky."

"Ow," Harry also complained.

Craig looked up, "ow?"

"You scratched me with the tip, god!" Harry rubbed a small nick on his chest.

Craig tried to pull the blade back, but Buck grabbed his hand. "You fool, I'm already dead."

"You still said ow," Craig meekly said.

Buck's whole body started to glow green, so did Craig's sword hand. "What's happening?" Buck screeched.

"Eeew," Tani groaned.

"This is my favourite uniform," Harry whined, not paying any attention to what was happening.

The sword slid out of Craig's hands and Buck on its own, then clattered to the ground. The green died down. Craig and Tani gasped at Buck now that he was a lot less green.

"Holy..." Craig stuttered.

"Yum," Tani smiled.

Craig frowned, "no."

Buck looked at his hands, then his arms. All the Tolg pieces were gone, and his skin had a lot more colour and a lot less damage. "I'm, I'm alive?"

"Well this is officially the stupidest sword ever," Craig commented.

Tani shook it off, "I wouldn't mind that wedding now. You don't mind, right?"

Buck looked over at her hopefully, but then he noticed. "Wait, that's..."

"Tani yeah," Craig shook his head. "Now what?"

"Yes indeed," Buck muttered.

Harry looked up, "well now that is over. Let's go." He then noticed Craig pointing at Buck, looking freaked out. "Oh, still alive. That's typical."

"Yeah alive," Craig said.

"That's what I said. Best finish the job and vamoose," Harry said.

Craig frowned, "uh right." He went to pick up the sword. As soon as he grasped it his hand had better ideas. It swung the sword into the air, then back and forth, pulling his whole body side to side. "Uh, help!"

Everyone looked on in amusement. Well almost everyone. Harry groaned and looked around at some of the computers nearby. "Screw this, where's the helm?"

"I said, help!" Craig yelled.

"Why, you're doing that great," Tani giggled.

Buck backed off a bit as Craig's hand antics got more erratic by the second. The sword eventually flew out of his hands, and straight into a green light fixture. "Uhoh."

The computer voice spoke up, "Separation sequence in ten seconds."

"Oops," Harry stuttered.

Tani's eyes widened, "no wait, is that your own oops or Craig's oops?"

Craig looked confused as a forcefield appeared in front of him. As he tried to reach for it, his right hand decided to punch himself in the face instead.

"What? No, I just triggered the auto pilot," Harry replied.

Tani's eyes widened further. "Undo the separation!"

It was too late. The ship separated at the forcefield. The part Craig and Harry were stuck on shot off into warp, leaving the other half behind.

"Oh shoot!" Tani muttered.


PART 1: Launch of the Screaming Phaser

The locals could only watch as a strange ship that looked like it had been sliced in half, nose dive out of the sky and into the surrounding ocean. Nobody seemed surprised though, once it was over they all got back to what they were doing before.

One man stood on the beach not far from the splash site. He yanked out a device from his pocket and started pointing it at the capsizing ship. Two dots approached from the wreck, as they got bigger he could hear voices getting louder.

Once he could clearly make out that the dots were heads, he could just make out what they were yelling. "... time, leave the auto pilot on!" the blonde haired one yelled.

"Says the idiot who threw a sword at the separate the bloody ship button!" the black haired one spat back, literally as well. "Ugh I swallowed sea water, this is your fault!"

By now the man could see arms and legs so he knew they were swimming and not floating their way towards him. The blonde one stumbled under the water for a second, then his whole body rose out of it with the water at knee level. The black haired one did the same thing.

"My fault? I didn't get the only sword that revives people and has a mind of its own, did I?"

"Well at least I did something! You'd think you'd be at least good at staring at Morgan, but obviously not or we wouldn't be here."

The man cleared his throat, "excuse me." His eyes widened, then he quickly hid his device back in his pocket. The two men stared at him once they were on the sand. "Are you alright?"

The pair walked over to him awkwardly, their black boots were now a golden sand colour. Harry grumbled whilst staring down at them.

"Yeah, it's not our first shuttle crash," Craig replied.

Harry turned his head aside to spit out some water, he cringed immediately. "Ugh it's worse than our oceans." He lifted his leg up, hopping on the other, so he could pull his boot off.

"I wouldn't," the man warned a little too late. Harry ignored him, he tried to shake sand out of his boots but nothing was budging. Craig meanwhile watched him between the cracks of his left fingers. "That was a mighty fine crash, one of the best I've seen in a while."

"Like I said, not our first," Craig commented. He removed his hand and turned to face him. "Please tell me this planet has items we can just pick up, and not have to trade stuff for or in Harry's case, shoot them for."

The man's eyes sparkled, "shoot? Are you bad men here to rob our houses and encourage violence?"

Harry wobbled a bit as he shook his boot, then of course he fell over onto his butt. He growled loudly as the sand splashed over his wet black uniform and stuck to it. Craig cringed a little, embarrassed for him.

"More or less," he sighed.

The man grinned, "excellent." Craig frowned at him. "I need a good story to sell my papers."

Craig looked behind him at the ship which only had a metre of it left above the water, then back at the man. "I take it you don't get many shuttles around here."

"Sure we do, that's the problem. It's boring," the man replied. "This planet generates a strong gravity pull, anything that goes into orbit gets chucked into the sea. We see more of that than birds flying by."

"Son of a bitch," Harry complained as he looked at his sandy hands. "It gets everywhere!"

Craig rolled his eyes. "I'm sure Harry shooting everyone will be old news within an hour." He then realised something about what the man said. "Wait, how does that gravity pull effect ships leaving orbit?"

The man belly laughed. "That never happens. No ship is powerful enough to get through the atmosphere to even get there."

"Even at warp?" Craig stuttered.

"Yeah sure," the man said chirpily. "If you also like crashing a high speed vehicle into a brick wall, it's just like that."

Craig felt the heat leave his cheeks, his face paled as a result. "So we're stuck here?" Harry meanwhile chucked his boot back on begrudgingly and stood back up.

"Yup just like the rest of us," the man replied with a grin. "In fact there's only one ship in one piece on this whole island, and that's only because it was here before..."

"Island? What about the other countries, continents etc... on this planet?" Harry grumbled.

"Only islands exist in these parodies, surely you've noticed that by now," Craig commented. Harry narrowed his eyes, his phaser hand shakily pointed it at him. Craig looked a little worried. He was about to say something when his sickly green looking hand flew up and slapped the phaser out of Harry's. It caught it as it fell. All three men stared at the hand with their eyes almost falling out of their sockets.

"Woah! Now that's a story," the man grinned. He took out the device and pointed it at his hand for a few seconds. He put it away again. "Where did you learn that sonny?"

"Uh..." Craig stammered.

Harry shook his head. "Never mind that crap. If no one is using it we can take the ship. I may be able to modify it."

"Oh, alien men steal ship, die tragically in escape. That'll be a good front page," the man said.

"Hang on, you said the ship was here before. Before what, the gravity pull?" Craig questioned. The man nodded. "Who lived here before the gravity started adding new civilians?"

"Ah that would be The Useful One," the man said. The two men waited for him to continue, Harry was starting to miss his phaser as a result. "Ah I couldn't just give away where he lives for free. You'll have to work for it."

Craig and Harry stared at each other with a knowing stare, they knew what that meant.

"What do you want and how easy is it to collect or put together?" Harry muttered. His hand edged for the phaser in Craig's hand, at the last second the hand swung into his jaw, knocking him flying to the ground. Craig's eyes widened, he smiled nervously. "Oh god, the sand's everywhere now!"

The man chuckled, "oh I'm sure you two will do nicely. I need news articles to fill the paper. Ship stealing would be a good one. Oh! Maybe the blonde kid can pick a fight or two. I'm sure my readers would be mighty impressed if you two found something hidden and of value as well."

Harry pulled himself up into a seating position. "Wait, treasure hunting?" He glared up at Craig. "That's what got us in this mess in the first place!"

Craig smiled meekly. "Can't we just wander the island to find him on our own? I take it there's a barrier to stop us until we solve the puzzles, there always is."

"No of course not," the man stuttered. "He wouldn't answer the door to just anyone and it'd be locked. Now get cracking." He turned to walk away towards the nearby village.

Harry pulled himself to his feet, muttering under his breath. He kept his glare on Craig as he did so. "Why do you keep hitting me and when did it suddenly become not funny?"

"It's still funny," Craig shrugged. Harry scowled. "I can't control it okay. Ever since I stabbed Buck it's been weird and green."

Harry sighed, "yeah yeah, any excuse. I'll take the easiest puzzle as somebody attacked me, you take the hardest. First we'll hijack the ship together."

"Uh Harry, you know these games like to mix the items for the puzzles up," Craig groaned.

"Somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem," Harry said, eyeing his partner's green hand. He looked down at it as well, grimacing as it didn't just look green, it was twitching on its own and looked like it belonged to Buck.


Harry and Craig didn't have to look far to find the only ship in the village. The pair were grateful that the small vessel parked in between two houses wasn't pink like the last one they borrowed. To make up for this though it wasn't going to be as easy for them to acquire. Their puzzle was standing on the ship's small bow, grinning at them through his overgrown moustache and beard.

"So why not?" Harry complained.

The man chuckled at him. "Anyone who attempts to get out of the atmosphere gets thrown back down here. The Nowe isn't going anywhere."

Craig raised his eyebrow at the ship's name. "No way?"

"No lad," the man answered anyway.

Harry groaned and rolled his eyes. "If you won't use this ship, we will!"

"You will? Wonderful," the man laughed. The two men stared blankly, they still weren't used to the strange characters they kept meeting. "I welcome a challenge lads, but first! I am Captain Windfast."

"Yeah yeah, what challenge are you blabbering about?" Harry asked.

"The Captain of the ship is the man who can knock the current owner off the hull," the man explained.

Harry smirked, "really?" Instinctively he reached for his trusty sidekick, touching his empty holster reminded him. He tried to cover his misery with a forced smile. "On second thoughts, we should probably get what we need first before stealing a ship..." he backed off while the other two stared at him, "puzzles, yeah, fun! Junk lying around, useful."

Craig didn't buy it, his eyebrow steadily raised. "And I suppose you'll leave the easy puzzles to me, right?"

Harry put his thumbs up at him before turning around to hurry off, "chump," he muttered under his breath. He'd barely finished turning around when he walked into a washing line hanging from the ship to a post nearby. Typically the item of clothing he walked into was Windfast's boxers. Craig and Windfast got a good laugh out of his flailing about. Doing so he knocked a piece of paper out from it, still soggy but readable. Harry decided not to question where it came from or even keep it, he was traumatised enough, so he ran off back into village.

Craig shook his head, "this is the last time I go on a mission with him, I swear." He walked over to pick it up.


The so called village only appeared to be a short street along the coast. Each building looked like it had been built up with whatever anyone could find, which mainly appeared to be ship parts. Harry walked by one building, only noticing from the corner of his eye that the text USS Voy was printed on its scorched, silver wall. He shook his head and carried on.

"Okay, I wonder if I'll get some items from in here like some booze," Harry said as he went for a saloon door. Instead of walking through it, he slammed into it.

A woman nearby walked passed, she stopped as Harry fell backwards onto the floor. "Oh yeah, we only had a month to build this. That door's just decoration, maybe try again in three chapters ey?"

Harry groaned his reply.


"What do you mean there's no treasure left?" Craig stuttered.

The man in front of him sighed impatiently. "I'll tell you what I told the crazy woman. A treasure hunter has already claimed everything just recently."

"Crazy woman?" Craig said.

"Yes, looked just like you so I'll assume you're the same species. Excuse me, I'm busy," the man grunted. He didn't move or do anything for that matter.


Harry found himself in a very noisy jungle. All he could hear were primates screeching, many insects buzzing around and he swore he heard a pig croaking as well. Dead ahead of him on the path he was on appeared to be an ancient stone tablet. Harry figured he was never going to be able to pick that up or need it, so he walked straight by it. His destination was the fork in the path. A quick dip in his head turned him to the right. As usual he couldn't see much further than a few metres, almost like it was really a game and the path was only obscured as it hadn't loaded yet. He thought that was just ridiculous as he wiped away the sweat on his forehead.

Once he reached the point where he couldn't see any further the environment warped around him.

Meanwhile somewhere else in the jungle a strange man with extremely wide eyes, had plonked himself down in the middle of the path. He wasn't alone. Homemade dolls made of some strange brown, unknown material were piled up next to him. One of them he swung around in front of his face, making ship engine sounds.

To his surprise Harry appeared only a few metres away, out of nowhere. The already irritated young man looked around to figure out where he was. His last glance was towards the stone pillars behind him which connected overhead to form an arch. Not far ahead of that he could see the so called village.

"Son of a bi..." an overwhelming stench caught his attention. It was familiar but he couldn't put his finger, or nose on it yet. Eventually he followed the smell to the man sitting on the floor whilst he was crashing his doll into the ground. "What... what are those?" he asked just as the doll flew up again.

The man jumped, naturally he flung the doll in his hand into the distance. "Ohno, my action coffee figure!" He cried.

He was about to get up and follow it when Harry quickly moved to stand in front of him. "Coffee what?"

"Hmph," the man pouted like a child. "You're a Human, we don't speak about the C word with Humans."

"Janeway's been here? That would explain the house made of one of our shuttles," Harry muttered to himself. "Look, I need to pick a fight with or steal from someone and you look like..."

The man's eyes widened even further in panic. Harry frowned, he wasn't used to seeing that, at least until his phaser was armed. Thinking that made him sad again.

"Okay, I'll tell you! This planet used to be rich in coffee, that's what she called it. We had to hide our reserves, we need it," the man quickly dashed to collect his runaway doll. Harry side stepped closer towards the pile of dolls.

"I see that," Harry commented. "If she didn't steal it, why is it used to be?" The man's eyes shifted between the pile of dolls and to the opposite side of him nervously. "Uh huh, so it's like a treasure now?"

"Sure! Why not," the man stuttered.

Harry smiled sneakily. "So where are the reserves?" The man laughed nervously, not noticing that Harry was closer to his treasure than he was. "I'll tell you what, I'll make it easy for you. Tell me where it is, or I'll drop this lot in the ocean." The man's eyes couldn't widen any further, he settled for whimpering instead.


With the soggy paper in his hand, Craig walked into the only pub in the village expecting to see a few things to collect for puzzles. Instead he walked into complete darkness so he didn't see the patron in his path. They weren't very happy about their collision.

"Oh sorry," his mouth said. His fist said something completely different.

Soon the entire room surrounded him. One guy knocked him straight to the ground, the rest got into position to beat him while he was unconscious. His fist however wasn't.

Moments later they were all nursing broken noses or busted lips.

Craig woke up just in time for the bouncers to arrive. They threw him out, literally.

Nearby talking to the reporter was Harry, he saw the painful landing. He walked over, unsure if he should laugh or not. He noticed the phaser lying a few feet away, so he inched down to his knees to grab it.

"Did I win?" Craig squeaked.

Harry laughed as the reporter joined them. "Amazing. It's true what they say about Humans. They're always looking for a fight."

"And coffee," Harry said, raising a jar.

"Wow, you have a lot of those," Craig mumbled.

"What do you expect?" Harry gloated. "Now all that's left is the ship. This should be a cinch, dunno why I was worried."

Craig was more than suspicious at this point. Although he was having trouble with keeping objects in his sight singular, so he assumed he misheard him. "Actually, I have an idea how I can do that."

Harry was more than a little disappointed, he tried not to show it. "Alright. I've got a promise to keep, so don't have too much fun without me." He wandered off toward the ocean with the jar, leaving Craig a lot more dazed as he was before.

Many hours later
"God, are you glued to that thing!?" Craig screamed at the Nowe Captain.

Harry strolled over looking amused. "Are you still stuck here? Here, let me try this item I picked up."

"You're not going to shoot him, are you?" Craig asked.

Harry lowered the phaser, "no. Oh come on, I've been good so far. I didn't shoot that idiot with the dolls. I gave you the bar fight."

"Yeah thanks for that," Craig rolled his eyes. "Let me try this last one." He held up a poster so Captain Windfast could read it.

"Bounty hunter for hire; Tiffany Flayer. Call this frequency. Ok?"

Craig looked confused. "Wrong one." He tossed it away and held up a different one. Windfast screamed like a girl, then fell backwards off the side of the ship.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

Craig showed him the poster of Kathryn doing her death glare, whilst holding one armful of coffee and the other reaching for the camera. On it said "Wanted; armed and slightly unhinged." Harry jumped a little.

"Is that a 3D poster? Her eyes are staring into my soul," he whimpered.

Craig shrugged his shoulders. Unknown to him Windfast had just climbed back up on to the hull.

"Nice try fellas."

Harry narrowed his eyes, and aimed the phaser. Craig could only sigh.


Harry and Craig stood on the hull of their new ship, both shaking their fists. "Draw!" Harry's fist changed to a flat palm, Craig's stayed as a fist.

"Ha, I'm the Captain," Harry said smugly.

Craig's right fist flew into the smug man's face, knocking him flying off the hull. Craig looked on with wide eyes. "Oops, sorry. I should have used my left."

Harry rubbed his cheek. "Ugh. Let's just see if we can find someone to help with that. A Doctor, a spell expert, or a woodsman."

Craig put his hands on his hips, "hey, don't talk to your Captain in that way."

Windfast appeared right next to a seething Harry. "First mate Windfast, at your service Captain Anderson."

"Wait hold on. I'm not even First? I knocked him off," Harry grumbled.

"Yes then he knocked you off. By the rules he's the Captain, and I'm First Mate as I called it," Windfast explained.

"See Ensign Kim, that's how it works," Craig smiled. "Now I'll look for something to calm this hand. You, go to that reporter and get the info we need."

Harry muttered a few insults under his breath as he walked away.

"Wait, it doesn't count if I leave to do other things, does it?" Craig asked.

"No sir. You can't be knocked off if you're not here," Windfast replied.

"Sweet, you guard the ship then," Craig smiled again.

"Yes sir, Captain Anderson!"


The reporter grinned. This only made Harry's mood even fouler. He glanced down at the so called map in his hands, then back up at that stupid grin. Harry couldn't decide which was annoying him more. The map drew his attention again, if you could call it that. All it seemed to be was one squiggly line with badly drawn pictures of monkeys, bees and what looked to Harry like a boar with horns on its nose, dotted around it. Looking at it decided it for him, his hand reached for the phaser in his belt before he looked back up. When he did, that annoying grin was gone. All Harry could see was a distant figure running away.

"Great," he groaned. "Can't we do anything normal in these episodes?" As he felt sorry for himself the inhabitants were gathering around the streets, trying to get a good look at something. He stomped off towards the village's exit, rambling to himself. He missed poor Craig sprinting through the village with his eyes wide.

"Wait, come back!" a voice screamed from the crowds.

Harry turned his back to the crowds and well, everything when he left through the stone pillars. Just as he did a crazy looking man with a wooly white wig and a doctor's coat, ran in Craig's direction brandishing a butcher's knife.

"I bet Craig gets his problems sorted out, but no, let's mess with Harry," Harry continued to huff as he walked towards the jungle.


"Okay, so you're The Useful One, huh?" Harry said, his eyes narrowed. He didn't get the answer he wanted, or any response but a blank face. "Clearly the irony is lost on you, huh?" he waved the map he was given in her face.

"Harry Kim!" her voice boomed, startling him enough to drop the map. "You agreed to remember me for this part in exchange for information in the last one."

Harry seemed genuinely confused. "Wait, last one? Is that the one we're supposed to pretend happened to build up to this game quicker? Nice job on that by the way. Part One's are meant to be tiny prologues and yet here I am, wasting hours following some dumb map stolen from a kids menu."

The woman sighed in annoyance. "No, it was the one with the robot monkey head." Harry's eyebrow twitched, the woman smiled in response. "Now that I have your attention. I was the one who told you where to get the sword to destroy Buck. Tell me, how did it go?" Before Harry could go into flashback mode the woman shook her head, "no time. I must bind Buck's essence with a voodoo spell, now hand the sword to me."

"Um about that, it's either with Buck or... on the bottom of the sea," Harry replied. The woman stared at him in dismay. He used his hands to demonstrate the ship splitting in two, his left slanted down and fell down as far as his arm would let him. "Well you get the idea. Now Useless One..."

"I am the Voodoo Lady, I've been in every game episode," the woman interrupted. "The joke wasn't even funny in the second game parody, so cut it out." Harry still looked confused. "You said it could be with Buck, how?"

"Well I wasn't sure which side of the ship the ship separator was on," Harry replied. Voodoo Lady's eyes narrowed. "It was Craig's fault. His hand went all wonky and punchy, it started flying it around like a shuttle trying to stay in orbit for an awaymission."

"I mean how is Buck still alive? The sword should have absorbed his evil, his very soul!" the Voodoo Lady's voice boomed around the tiny shack.

"Wow, you're really getting into the Season One spirit with all that yelling," Harry commented. "Though I suppose at the end of the reboot series, that joke no longer makes sense now. Shame." The Voodoo Lady's stare managed to unnerve him a bit. "Craig stabbed him, Buck literally lived cos of it. The only thing that absorbed was Craig's hand," he replied. His hand instinctively went to his stab wound on his chest to scratch it, he winced immediately and flung his hand to his side.

The Voodoo Lady eyed his chest wound with interest. "Buck lives? This is troubling. The sword only sucked out his evil. However it seems to have not gone into the sword, but through it. Craig's hand, does it do unspeakable evil?"


"Oh my god, cut it out!" Craig cried. He slapped his out of control hand away from his face. It didn't help though, the bad hand turned into a fist and flew into his face. Naturally this knocked poor Craig out onto the floor again. One of the fingers on the bad hand pointed out to aim for his nostril.


"Buck rarely did evil. Unspeakable, I'll give you that," Harry grimaced. He would never forget the tutu or Buck's campaign dress. If the monkey robot was his doing he would have considered that evil though. "The hand does like punching people."

"This sounds like symptoms of... The Pox of Buck," the Voodoo Lady dramatically said as if she was in a trailer.

"Um, has this happened before?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.

The Voodoo Lady pouted, "no. You must find the cure, Mr Kim. I can tell you where to start. I have an... acquaintance, that can help you."

"I'm not touching the italics part, but how can you know of a cure for a disease you've only just named," Harry commented.

"Legends say that when true evil spreads, the only way to undo its wrath is to absorb it. You must find the Pamo de Plato, Mr Kim. That is the only thing that can do it," Voodoo Lady said.

Harry's face turned blank, "the dishcloth?"

The Voodoo Lady's hardened, so did her voice, "no!"

Harry shook his head, "hang on! If this cloth is the only thing that can absorb evil, why did you tell us to use that evil absorbing sword on Buck in the first place?"

The Voodoo Lady laughed nervously, she tried to cover it up with her normal laugh. "Let me give you the co-ordinates of the planet you must go to. My friend will know where to find the Pamo."

"It isn't literally a dishcloth, is it?" Harry was still suspicious. "Wait, I came here originally cos we're stuck on this planet. You were here before it became like this."

"Ah!" The Voodoo Lady was grateful for the change of subject. "I wasn't the only one. He's known only as the Hack Doc around here. When he arrived a lot of people suddenly became sick, it wasn't long until the gravity pull happened. If you find..." she stopped when she noticed Harry laughing quietly. "What's so funny?"

"Yeah I'm sure Craig is handling that one as we speak," he sniggered.

The Voodoo Lady ignored his sniggering and smiled broadly. "I expect nothing less. Now here are the planet's co-ordinates." She leaned forward to hand him a pocket watch. Harry grimaced as he took it, he expected to have to work out some bizarre puzzle to even open it. Luckily for him it opened into three sections with little effort, and the text inside in the centre was clear to him. Unfortunately so was the unflattering picture of the Voodoo Lady in the right window. A man he didn't know was in the left. "Now go, you must find the Pamo de Plato before the evil spreads any further."

Harry turned to leave. He stopped as a thought came to him. "I haven't collected anything in this stupid game yet." He looked around the room for anything. The first thing to catch his eye was a wooden model of a parrot. "Oooh."

"No!" the Voodoo Lady cried.

Harry's chest wound started to burn, his eyes flashed a piercing green. "Oh piss off oh Useless One, or I'll be phasering your chair out of existence and you'll have nothing to sit your fat ass down on!" His eyes returned to normal as he grabbed the parrot.

"Ohno," the Voodoo Lady looked on in concern.

The parrot seemed to come to life, "squark! Phasering your chair."

Harry smiled at it, "yeah, that'll do." He left before the Voodoo Lady could say anything else.


Craig's eyes weakly tried to open. He could make out a shadow in front of him through the thin cracks. His bad arm felt stranger, like it was lifting itself off the ground. That was when he noticed somebody was touching it. His eyes flung open.

"Ah good, hold still and..." Hack Doc cackled away. His own hand was tightly grabbing the wrist of the bad arm, the other held the butcher knife in the air. Craig quickly tried to sit up and push him away, but the hand had better ideas. This time two fingers stuck out of a fist and went for the doc's eyes. It was more than enough to make Hack Doc drop the knife but a little too close to his leg for his liking. It didn't matter, he ran for his hand's life.

"No! That hand is vital to my research," Hack Doc whimpered. Just then the clouds began to change to a murky green colour and fill up the empty patches of the sky. A green haze fell from the sky and settled on the village.

Hack Doc then noticed a few people nearby were also turning green in places just like Craig's hand. He growled in fury and walked off in the direction Craig went, passing by a woman with a green leg stamping on a random person's foot. On route back to his surgery he passed by a clothes shop where a very green looking man was eyeing up the pink dresses in the window. "I must have that unique specimen of Buck, everything depends on it."


Harry stared straight ahead of him with a deadly gaze. Well as deadly as Harry can manage it anyway. Obviously it wasn't really working, he probably couldn't scare pigeons away.

"Squark, useless one!" the parrot now sitting on his shoulder startled him.

Harry passed his deadly stare over to it and back again. He had been wandering the so called jungle for hours now, all he had managed to find were more of the stone tablets he had seen earlier. After a close inspection he realised every one was different and they each had some sort of puzzle to solve on it. Only metres ahead of him was a giant eyesore of a structure, and an earsore as well. If he wasn't in a game parody he'd be able to waltz through the trees and walk right up to it, but he figured he was forced to solve the puzzles on the pillars first. There was nothing else he could do.

Luckily though each puzzle tablet had some instructions on, in picture form. The first one seemed simple enough, there were coloured rocks inside the stone that he could only slide around, not pick up. "Heh, this is actually a puzzle. No problem," he smiled. After a few tries he managed to gather four red coloured rocks together. He was lining the third one up when the three blocks disappeared in a poof of smoke, leaving behind the one. Random coloured rocks took their place.

He waited, assuming that was what he was supposed to do. Nothing happened. Like it was instinct his hand reached for the phaser on his belt. His attention however went back to the instructions. The pictures seemed to hint to do the same thing twice. He sighed and continued sliding the rocks around. The longer it took the further the phaser would come out, luckily his other hand managed to match three again in time before the puzzle was shot. The stone tablet trembled and then slowly slid its way down into the ground.

"Ah, no sweat," Harry sighed in relief. One down, who knows how many to go. These kind of puzzles he liked so he figured he wouldn't need his phaser this time, not knowing that his hand had reached for it anyway.


Harry's eyes squinted as tried to understand what the instructions were telling him. "Move these weird shaped rocks to the bottom. I'm trying!" His hands tried to roll the differently shaped rocks closer to him. They wouldn't budge. The coloured ones still moved though. He moved a few of those around in frustration, accidentally matching up three yellows underneath the funny shaped rock. They disappeared, allowing it to clatter to the bottom. The tablet trembled like the last one. "Oh?"


As his hand pushed down the blue rock in between two others, one of the higher up rocks merged into the stone. Harry didn't notice it right away and went to make another move. Two reds were together, he could now move the other red and that was it. Just as he was about to move it, the same thing happened to the red rock he wanted. His eyes widened in horror. His hand was a lot quicker this time, the phaser was out and his thumb was on the fire button.


The next and final tablet wasn't going to be solved anytime soon, unless the object of it was to lean on it and sob the word why over and over again. He was too busy doing this to notice Craig running right by him with the mad doctor in pursuit.

"Wait, I'll pay you for that delicious hand of yours!" he screamed.

Of course that only made Craig run even faster than he was. Unfortunately though the jungle was still an illogical maze divided into screens, so he ended up back with Harry and the final tablet, only on the opposite side to where he left. Hack Doc had barely reached the other side when this happened. He swung around, cackling in a squeaky voice.

"Ah ha ha, you should be listening out for the wildlife boy. It's the only way to navigate this jungle," he sneered.

Craig looked confused for a moment, then he remembered the strange forest from the first game and it all made sense. "Can't I just follow some perverted shop keeper instead?"

"Mmm hmm, no," Hack Doc cackled. "I must have that hand. I will be immortal."

"That makes no bloody sense!" Harry yelled at the puzzle.

"Oh it makes all the sense in the world, I am a genius after all," Hack Doc sneered, glancing briefly at Harry. "Now, hold still and..." He frowned and glanced again at Harry. "What are you doing?"

"Contemplating suicide," Harry muttered.

Hack Doc growled in his direction. To Craig's relief he had chosen Harry as his target instead. He began to sneak away.

"Stop! I won't let you reset this planet's gravity," Hack Doc snarled before running towards him.

"What? Connect four, merge combined stone with another? Four times! Are you crapping me!?" Harry had more than enough. The phaser was out and pointing towards the puzzle. Hack Doc meanwhile lunged for him, and I mean that literally. Harry stepped back to get a better view so the Doc only just missed him and fell head first into the puzzle. The stone rumbled as he tried to force it out, with no success.

Craig smirked at them both as he approached the very stressed Harry. "So you still can't use the phaser to solve the puzzle."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "I wouldn't be so sure." He aimed it only for the stone pillar to start moving down like the puzzle was solved. Hack Doc squealed as he went with it. "Damn!" The large structure behind them started to light up, it made a lot of noise doing so.


Harry and Craig returned to their new ship, Harry had his arms folded in a huff with the phaser tightly secure in his right hand.

"Now that the planet's gravity is back to normal, are you ready to go Captain Anderson?" Windfast asked while saluting at them.

Craig smiled proudly, Harry just scowled. "Of course First Mate. Set a course for..." Suddenly his out of control hand turned into a fist and punched him in the face.

Harry sighed, "oh look, I knocked him out. I'm Captain now."

"Nice try Ensign Kim," Windfast chuckled.


Soon the Nowe flew out of the planet's atmosphere, they continued flying straight ahead.

"Great, so do you know where this planet is?" Craig asked Windfast, he showed him the watch the Voodoo Lady had given to Harry. His bad hand knocked it flying out of his good one before Windfast could study it. Harry rolled his eyes, he turned his back on them both to try and ignore everything. He had a perfect view of the space ahead of them.

"Maybe we should look for Buck and Tani first," Craig laughed nervously.

Straight ahead Harry could see the remains of Buck's ship drifting. Even so the lights were still on. The pair soon spotted some movement inside, they kept a close eye on it while the Nowe continued its approach.

Craig gasped when he spotted Buck walking up behind a female figure with her back to the window. Buck blocked their view of her.

"What, we already knew he's kidnapped Tani. It'd be as surprising as him chucking another dress on," Harry groaned as he turned away. He heard a tiny little squeak come from the boy, so he looked again.

Buck walked off with a pleasant smile, allowing both to see the girl on the ship. Only it wasn't Tani like Harry thought.

"Freeze human scum!" a woman shouted from behind them. They turned around to find a blade pointed at Harry's nose.

Craig's jaw dropped while Harry was seconds from soiling his pants.

"Wait, you're..." Craig stammered.


And once more Craig and the dog killer find themselves in quite the pickled onions. With their nemesis de-eviled, what's left for these hapless wannabes to pick up items and shoot things for? Now that they have fixed the gravity sink planet, they must search for the cure of their rather hilarious Buck disease before they swap their uniforms for unflattering dresses. However like the idiots they are they have not considered what effects doing so will have on the surrounding system. Not that it matters, I'm just here for the sword face skewering. I assume the rest of the episode will then follow me and...

A light tapping sound interrupted them. They sighed impatiently. It's open.

"Special delivery for Mysterious Lamenter. Two boxes of custom made cards..."

That's meant to be Narrator. Oh whatever, it's ruined. Now I'm going to have to start over from the beginning.


PART 2: Siege of Nothing Atoll

"What the hell is this?" Harry asked.

Craig shrugged with one hand in the air, the other hand seemed more interested in trying to pick his nose again. "I'm no expert but I think a woman's pointing a sword at us."

"That's right," the woman snarled.

Harry rolled his eyes. "I mean the cliffhanger. This better not be in every part."

"Oh it won't be," the woman cackled.

"Please, these are my kinds of puzzles," Harry scoffed. He dug the phaser out of his pocket and aimed it at her. The woman's eyes widened, both men were surprised to see a grin spread across her face. Before they could figure out why, she snatched the phaser out of Harry's hands. His face drained, horror was obvious in his eyes.

"Oh my god, you're Harry Phaser Kim. I'm a huge fan!" she giggled like a school girl. "I've read about all of your adventures."

Craig wasn't sure whether to laugh or be horrified, while Harry was still reeling from losing his favourite thing.

"My favourite one has got to be the time when you retrieved the navigating head from the natives. No one else but you would have thought of that," the woman gushed.

"You're not wrong," Craig commented.

"Will you sign this?" the woman said, handing the phaser back.

Harry quickly reached out to take it, "no!" Ignoring the tone in his voice she just took it straight back.

"It's okay, knowing that you've touched it and it has been used in so many great tales," the woman giggled.

"Actually he lost the one he used to shoot dogs and innocent villagers a game or two ago. That may be mine, but I can't remember if he lost that too," Craig said.

The woman looked at him like he had just grabbed the phaser and licked it. Her giddy face returned when she turned back to Harry. "Please, I must have something you can sign. Will you?"

Harry was still too speechless and phaser-less to answer. The parrot piped up instead, "nothing to phaser."

Craig realised the woman was still pointing a sword at them, which was a lot more unnerving while she had a fangirl grin on her face. An idea popped into his head. "I'm sure Harry wouldn't mind signing that sword of yours," he said while elbowing Harry in the ribs.

"Really!" the woman's face managed to light up even further. "Can you write Tiffany Flayer, you're phaserific, love Harry Kim?"

Harry's eyes rolled to his right, silently wondering what he did to Craig to deserve this. He noticed Craig seemed to be using his to gesture to the sword as the woman handed it over, handle first. Reluctantly he took it. To Craig's dismay he started to fish around for a pen. "Really?"


The boys' new ship landed slowly and carefully on another planet's surface, which to their annoyance but little surprise was another small island. It parked in between an unfamiliar vessel and Buck's half a ship, which had slumped forward due to its missing front. The pair walked out of the airlock arguing yet again, while Windfast cheerfully waved them off.

"Well how was I supposed to know that?" Harry protested.

Craig slowly shook his head, "how would giving her an autograph help you get your phaser back and get rid of her?"

"Exactly, that's what I was wondering. If I hadn't thought of taking the sword while I was signing it, we'd still be there," Harry replied smugly. "See, we would get nothing done without me." Craig rolled his eyes so far back they looked mostly white. "I wonder who she was anyway."

"I dunno, did she look like the Sword Master? I could see her getting revenge for the shooting her incident," Craig said.

Harry nodded while his bottom lip stuck out. "Or maybe it was that uptight cow who tried to charge me cruise money for some shoddy boat ride, so I taped her leaflet with her face on onto some Wanted for Dog Homicide poster."

"What?" Craig stuttered.

"What?" Harry repeated in an innocent tone.

Craig tried to shake it off, "or it could be a completely new person we haven't met yet."

"Yeah sure," Harry laughed derisively. "Next thing you'll be telling me is that you'll be in a love triangle with her and Morgan, with the fans preferring her over Morgan despite years of shipping her as your one true love, as well as being our antagonists' goal as well."

Craig blinked rapidly, "what?" he said more forcefully than earlier.

"See how dumb you sound," Harry said smugly.

He walked off through the short shipyard, which was doubling as a harbour for boats to dock and a small concreted area to park spaceships. The wooden path he was following was barely a foot above the sea water, even when he left the shipyard. The path ahead only seemed to lead to a circular lighthouse type building sitting on a small hill.

Craig hurried after him, only then he heard raised voices emanating from it. Movement by his feet distracted him, he looked down barely in time to catch the tiniest of waves hitting the path, sprinkling his feet.

"Give me what I want, or I'll tear your little town to pieces looking!" a gruff man's voice bellowed.

"You and your men shall not have the ancient summoning artifacts," an imposing woman's barked back.

The next voice made both Craig and Harry's ears spring up. "Please, calm down. You're going in circles."

"Tani?" they both said and quickened their pace to the only building they could see.

All they found were stairs on the outside heading up to the top, so they rushed up them. There was no doors that they could see, they ran all the way to the roof of the building. Despite the fact that it looked like a lighthouse, the roof only had a water well in the middle. An alien woman looked to them like she was sitting in it, the top half of her scaly blue body was all they could see. Two more people stood around, one of which was a stressed looking Tani. The other a sickly green looking alien man with painful looking warts, occasionally coughing pathetically as if he were faking it. His right eye appeared very swollen and black.

Tani spotted the new arrivals, her face brightened. "Craig, Harry?" She ran over to greet them. "You took your time. How did you find me here?"

"Oh I'm sorry, next time I'll try not to crash land on a gravity sucking planet. How can you forgive..." Harry grumbled until he was distracted by a pale green finger going straight for his nostril. His eyes flashed green as he slapped it away, "Craig, seriously. Tie that thing up!" Craig hadn't even noticed until then, so the Lieutenant's screaming startled the life out of him.

"Oh my god!" Tani gasped, mostly in disgust. Craig's wayward hand meanwhile punched Harry in the cheek, knocking him out of the conversation. "What happened to your hand? It looks so gross."

Craig sheepishly tried to grab that arm and put it back to his side, it twitched but complied eventually. "Yeah, the story's already long and I don't get it. What are you doing here?"

"We came here originally to drop off some of those little aliens Buck kidnapped. They're native to this system," Tani replied.

"We?" Craig frowned. "You mean... where is she, I saw..."

Harry grabbed Craig's normal arm to pull himself back up, almost dragging him down as well. "Morgan," he grunted mid stand. Tani looked on, astonished. "How come you're here and we saw her with Buck? Don't tell me she's been kidnapped because he's not dead anymore."

"How did you...?" Tani stammered. Raised voices from the two aliens got her attention, she looked panicked. "I'd better get back before they kill each other." She hurried back to the argument. Harry and Craig reluctantly walked over to eavesdrop.

"Me and my men came down with the sickly pox, and this mermaid wannabe thinks she can hog the cure," the alien man snarled in their direction.

Harry stared at him blankly, "I... I didn't ask. And sickly pox? How old are you, six?"

"Ahem, the Caylians have an ancient secret prophecy about a mystical cloth that soaks up evil energy," Tani quickly said, hoping it would put off the alien man from giving Harry a pummeling.

"The Pamo de Plato," Harry said as if it were painful to.

Craig nodded, then grew confused. "That's what it's called? Sounds like something Neelix would make."

"Yes," the alien woman said in a breathy voice. "But to find the Pamo de Plato, you must seek the aid of the leviathans who can only be summoned by three of our artifacts. They will lead you to the mouth and the Pamo."

"Mouth?" Harry stammered.

"Oookay, so why aren't you lending them to these guys?" Craig asked at the same time.

The woman briefly glanced at him with a pre-armed scowl. "Why should we? Their violent reputation proceeds them. Always threatening to shoot people when they don't get what they want."

"We've never done that," the alien man protested.

Craig stared at Harry with an accusatory glance, he meanwhile tried to act nonchalant.

"Besides, we've already found one. What's the harm in us using the others?" the man asked. The woman only responded with an annoyed huh.

"I don't suppose you have any spares, right?" Craig asked.

"What do you think?" Harry groaned.

Tani winced, "hence the problem. If we don't convince leader Veruga to give Captain McVities here the remaining artifacts, we can kiss the ramo de packo goodbye."

"It's Captain Macveet!" the man snapped.

Tani laughed nervously, "right. That's why I'm here, I'm far more diplomatic than Morgan, as you can see," she said, gesturing to the alien captain.

Harry and Craig weren't sure why she did that so had to look twice. Only Craig re-noticed the black eye and he sighed knowingly, "I see."

"I don't. Tani's pissed him off just as much as anyone else," Harry grumbled.

"You'll see soon enough if you hang around," Tani warned him tiredly.

Harry shook his head. "Never mind him anyway, step outside a minute." He wandered off back to the stairs. Craig and Tani glanced at each other, shrugged and followed. "What the hell is going on here, and don't say ancient artifacts and extra strength wash cloths. What happened after Buck's ship separated?"

"Well, where do I start?" Tani said hesitantly.

"Give me what I want, or I'll tear your little town to pieces looking!" Macveet's voice bellowed in the background.

"You and your men shall not have the ancient summoning artifacts," Veruga's barked back.

Both Harry and Craig recoiled at the exchange, their eyes widening as they were directed to the indifferent Tani. It took her a minute to really notice it and still she didn't look bothered. "Yeah, two rounds of that and Morgan decided hanging out with tutu creep was less irritating."

"What? She's with Buck?" Craig stuttered. Tani looked at him like he was deeply stupid. "Alone, and you don't see the problem with that?"

"Of course. He's harmless," Tani snickered.

Harry spat a few feathers, "but he... that's..."

"Give me what I want, or I'll tear your little town to pieces looking!" Macveet bellowed.

"You and your men shall not have the ancient summoning artifacts," Veruga barked.

Harry instantly calmed down to his teammates surprise. "No, I get it. I really do."

"What do you mean harmless?" Craig asked, visibly twitching.

"You saw him. The evil gunk drained out of him, thanks to you. He's a good guy now," Tani said like it was obvious. "Only problem is the stuff was concentrated on your section of the ship, so the outbreak probably started in the atmosphere of the planet you crashed on."

"I thought it went into my hand, and at a stretch Harry's chest," Craig said.

Tani shrugged, "it did, some of it. I guess the ritual was interrupted and it spilled everywhere, which is strange because we didn't notice anything right away. It seemed to take a while to spread from wherever you were, like it was contained for a short while."

Craig thought about it, a confused frown planted on his face. The gravity issues came back to him which made his eyes shoot wide open. "Oh."

"So after the ship separated?" Harry said impatiently with a touch of green in his pupils.

"Alright keep your hair gel on," Tani hissed at him with narrowed eyes. "Buck untied me and apologised about everything he put us through. He's mortified about the crossdressing, said it was extremely offensive to assume a guy in a dress could be weaponised."

Craig pulled all manner of disgusted faces, "oh it wasn't the fact he is a man that made it so, gag worthy."

"Yeah well," Tani smiled and shrugged. "He's sorry about it. He also thought it wouldn't take long to return the aliens he kidnapped back to their home planets, but turns out eight out of twelve of the worlds here are habitable. Not to our standards mind you, these guys can live in all sorts of weird places that we can't. The last place was literally a floating snowball in space."

Something snapped in Harry's mind, and it not only turned his eyes fully green, his skin started to look it too. "Get to the point before I start phasering that stupid bimbo grin off your face, you little brat!" he shouted, even his voice changed.

"Wark, phasering your face!" Harry's parrot chimed in from his pocket.

Tani and Craig stared blankly at him briefly, then turned their attention back to each other, leaving him seething. "That's important sure, but I figured you'd have tried to find us first," Craig said.

"Yeah, that's what Morgan said. But Buck and I convinced her that we'd run into you guys eventually since we'd be all over this system at some point," Tani replied.

Harry cleared his throat and frowned, he looked around all disoriented. "That's really getting annoying."

"What is?" Tani asked.

"This Pox of Buck thing. My throat feels like someone's raked it," Harry said with a small sigh.

Craig chuckled, "oh that was the Pox, I couldn't tell the difference." Tani giggled while Harry glared at him. "So Morgan, I thought when he kidnapped you he'd left her behind at the spacestation."

"Yeah so did I, until she walked in in between our trips to the snow rock and this ball of water, asking how long I was going to be trying crap on," Tani said.

"Hmm, Buck's getting better. At least he's kidnapping both of you," Harry smirked.

"You mean like he did that first time?" Craig said to him. "So much for her going back to Voyager to get help."

Harry groaned, his eyes nearly rolled to the back of the sockets. "If you were expecting that, then maybe you should take Tani's place and negotiate with the NPC's here."

"The what?" both Craig and Tani asked.

"Give me what I want, or I'll tear your little town to pieces looking!" Macveet bellowed.

Harry shuddered violently. "In the meantime we should probably look for these artifacts. If these morons managed to find one, the Caylians obviously don't keep them in their drawers. They'll probably have them all over this island..."

"Reef," Tani cut in.

The interruption threw him right off, leaving him blinking rapidly. "Reef?"

"It's not an island, it's too small. There's a few smaller ones only a few metres big. Most of the planet is water," Tani replied.

"I honestly can't think of anything I care less about," Harry muttered, offending Tani enough to make her stomp back to the repetitive arguers nearby. "Though it should make it easier to find Morgan. And it wouldn't surprise me one bit if we have to solve a puzzle for that too."

"That was pretty rude," Craig pointed out, earning him a halfhearted stare. "Look we're wasting time here. Buck's got Morgan, and I'm not keen on standing around here yapping while he's trying to marry her, again."

Harry snickered at him. "Right, and what exactly are you going to do that she can't? I don't think writing Buck's name down with the comment probably shouldn't date will help her here."

"You know what," Craig sniped, his face hardening.

"What?" Harry did as well only to mock him.

Craig reached out to snatch the item out of Harry's pocket, "I'm taking this," he said as he placed it in his own. Then he stomped off.

Harry was about to panic when he realised which pocket it was. "Ohno, that's too bad," he said flatly with a straight face. A smirk betrayed him as he returned to the aliens and Tani, she turned her nose up at him. "So, um... just out of curiosity, what do these artifacts look like?"


As Tani had already warned them, the place they had landed on only spanned a mile and even then most of it was nothing more than rock formations with a few tiny caves dotted around them. Each one Craig investigated were so shallow that if he climbed and crawled into one, he'd reach the end and his legs would still be touching the ground outside. Not that he wanted to, the thought creeped him out and every single cave had been flooded he assumed by the high tide this place had.

Despite that he uncovered sandy patches alongside the edge of the western side, with rocks dotted around it as if it were marking a path. It looked to be going around the island, or reef as Tani had called it, so he assumed the sand was what was left of the beach. He followed it and sure enough the sandy path lead to another tiny isle not far away, filled with trees. He took the chance and followed the assumed path to it.


Harry meanwhile walked around the so called town for a sixth time, which had only taken him five minutes to do. Annoyed he couldn't find anything to pick up he wandered back to the ship, not realising that something in the water on the harbour side of the shipyard was trailing him.

"Hey spaceman," a feminine voice greeted him in his point of view out of nowhere.

"Aaaah!" Harry jumped a few feet. He followed the voice to the water, quickly discovering another one of the Caylians resting their arms on the path, staring at him fondly. "Who, what?"

"I'm Anomanom," she said with a friendly smile. Then he noticed the tail fins behind her fluttering about. "You look a bit stuck."

"Yeah well there's nothing to shoot, that notice it anyway," Harry grumbled, briefly glancing back at the not a lighthouse. He could hear the two repeating their two lined argument for the hundredth time even from where he stood.

Fortunately the alien found that amusing, not threatening. She giggled. "You're a strange one. You'll not get anywhere in Knot Atoll with those things," she said, pointing to his legs. "As sexy as they may be."

"Oh? Then how do you get anywhere?" Harry asked. Then her last line got to his brain. He blushed madly and stammered, "I'm sorry, the sand from that crash is still clogging my ear. Can you repeat that last part?"

"You need a boat cutie. Only the Forest of Mystery can be reached on leg, and that's only during high tide," Anomanom said, pointing at a tiny row boat opposite Buck's ship. Harry looked toward his own ship with a self pitying expression. "You won't be able to land that anywhere, unless it's got good buoyancy. Like me," she winked.

A few uncomfortable glances around and throat clearing later, Harry responded, "please. Please don't tell me I need to do some painstakingly puzzles to earn the right to use said boat, or clog a hole in it or something?"

"Oh waters no, how silly," Anomanom laughed. Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "You just need our chief's permission that's all."

Harry berated himself for being relieved too soon.


"Low and bright with the doodad. The plan has almost blown beat," a low voice mumbled.

They were met with a blank stare and then a, "what?"

Craig peeped around a tree, witnessing two figures hunched over near the edge of a cliff side. Well one was hunched, the other was only two feet tall and was still straining its neck to look up at their companion. Close to them was a seashell shaped rock sitting parallel to a stone alter on the edge of a tiny ledge.

The tallest of them made Craig's eyes narrow. "Buck!" he bellowed as he stomped out.

"Eek," the small alien gasped and shot off into the forest.

"Craig, you're alright?" Buck stammered as he approached, waving a large stick beside him. "Morgan and I were so worried."

His concern really put Craig off and so he forgot everything he was going to say to him. He was left pointing a finger at the previously dead man, his mouth slightly ajar and his eyes blinking more than usual. Finally words came back to him but not the ones he intended, "you, you were worried? You mean Tani and I right, because..."

"Ohno, Tani merely complained about rope burn. Morgan was deeply concerned," Buck said.

"Um," Craig managed to say before his jaw dropped.

Buck chuckled and slapped him affectionately on the shoulder. "I tried to reassure her you and Harry have survived worst, but she wouldn't have it. Poor thing, ran off with a bunch of doohikeys and told me to go and bend. So here I am," he said, gesturing to the stick in his hands. Now that Craig was closer to him, he could see it looked more like a staff with wear marks and a slight bend.

"Those were her exact words? Go and bend?" Craig said slowly.

"Get some bend, something like that," Buck said thoughtfully. Craig tried with no success to repress a snigger. "She's such a spirited one, isn't she? Untamed like the beard I had last week. Boy that took some cutting, went through two saws and a knife."

Craig shuddered at the image of Buck trying to hack his way through mounds of tangled hair on his face. It angered him once more, "what are you up to Buck? You think you can be all nice and funny, then when our back's turned you'll stab us in the spine?"

"Ohno," Buck gasped in horror. "I'd prefer to stab in the front, if it's all the same to you."

"Ah, ha?" Craig whimpered.

Buck smiled politely, the hand on his shoulder rocked him gently. "Now that we've got all that suspicion cleared up, I believe I've found one of the artifacts. The problem is I haven't a clue how to get it." He gestured to the seashell, then to the altar nearby. Craig noticed then the seashell had a round indentation in its centre. "It seems I have to perform some kind of test to prove my worth before it'll open."

Craig nodded knowingly, at this point he wouldn't been surprised if there wasn't any sort of puzzle. "Right, we might need to hunt for some items to solve this. Unless..." his eyes fell to the staff.

"Yes, you and Harry are good at this stuff. I've always wondered how you managed to turn off a waterfall with a monkey," Buck said.

"What? I thought I dreamed that," Craig muttered under his breath. An idea popped up in his head and it made him smirk. Buck seemed none of the wiser and continued to smile broadly. "You know what, it's a funny story. Maybe I should demonstrate." His hand reached for his pocket to bring out what he snatched from Harry and point it at the man in front of him. His face drained immediately as soon as it was in his line of sight.


Harry clambered out of the tiniest of rowboats with a look of thunder on his face, his pants dripping onto the sand. He grumbled while upturning the boat barely big enough for him to sit in, and what seemed like twice its volume of water poured out, drenching him further.

A few minutes of excessive clothes wringing later, Harry stomped across the beach toward two arguing figures and a chest sitting in between them.

"Nuh uh, I don't see why I can't choose where to bury this flimsy artifact," one grumbled in a scratchy voice.

The second appeared to be judging him as if he were stupid enough to ask Neelix for seconds. "Because the last time you buried something, we had to hire a bulldozer to get it back."

The first man huffed, "oh yeah, well no one would think to look under a church, would they?"

Harry approached and stood in front of the pair, glancing at them once before eyeing the chest. The two men continued to bicker, so he knelt down to take a peek inside. Unbeknownst to him the two pirates spotted him. In perfect sync they reached for their belts. The only clue Harry got was the familiar sound of phaser fire coming from both sides before he saw black.


Buck couldn't stop laughing at his latest prize. Meanwhile Craig stood there, sulking with his arms folded.

"Squark, stinking your pocket," the parrot in the previously undead man's hands chirped.

"Oh my, how delightfully hilarious," Buck chuckled.

Craig ground his teeth. "Yeah, I'm rolling on the floor and side splitting."

Buck's face was suddenly full of concern. "If I were you, I'd get that checked out as soon as possible. I'll deal with this."

"I..." Craig hesitated, then sighed. "I'll live."

"Oh, that remains to be seen," Buck said in a sad tone. Craig was instantly back on his guard. "Now, I must figure out this grotesquely difficult puzzle." He stared at the shell, gripping the pole tightly. His face turned red as he strained himself. After five minutes of this he cheered up as something clicked in his mind. Craig watched on, hopeful he'd figured it out. He was more than disappointed when the ex-Tolg poked it with his toe, to which made him burst out crying like a baby so the disappointment was short lived.

"Oh foul puzzle, you will be the death of me. Again," Buck whimpered as he hopped around on his good foot.

Craig waited for him to hop by so he could snatch the pole from him. "If only." He then inserted it into the centre of the seashell. When nothing happened other than Buck sucking his thumb, Craig sheepishly brought it back out and flipped it around to try again. Still nothing other than a catchy chorus of I want my mummy. Once more he flipped it around. This time the ground briefly trembled and the pole clicked to Craig's left on its own. The alter clicked, getting both men's attention.

Buck immediately decided he was better and slapped Craig once more on the shoulder. He didn't expect it and so jumped a few feet. "Wow lad, you did it. Such genius!"

"Um yeah?" Craig said uncomfortably. The pair hurried over to the alter to find the top plate had lifted up like a lid. A golden object sat inside, shaped a little like a dish brush. Craig reached to grab it, only to find two catches were holding it in place. "Well this is needlessly bloated, no wonder this one's long."

"Well that's not very nice," Buck huffed, startling Craig as he hadn't noticed him approach. Or stop crying for that matter. He brightened up when he saw the latest puzzle. "Oh, allow me. This one requires the kind of unrivaled strength that only a Morgan suitor can have."

Craig didn't look impressed. He tried a few more times to tug the artifact out, but only managed to get it to rattle a little. Buck looked too smug for his own good. "I thought you were supposed to be good now. Why do you still think Morgan will go out with you?"

"Strange. I thought the heroines of every story were supposed to fall for the hero men types as an obligation, as that would explain your delusions on this matter," Buck sounded sincerely confused. He chuckled at Craig's resulting sour face. "I agree, it's so backwards and sexist. Morgan can decide for herself, it's up to us to prove ourselves."

"Go ahead," Craig bitterly said, pointing at the artifact.

Buck smiled politely as he went to force it out by slamming one side with an elbow. Doing so though he only managed to punch himself in the jaw. Craig got more than a good laugh as the blow made him topple over the edge of the cliff. To his relief it did the trick still, the hit had broken the catches and he was able to pick the artifact up. Just in case he peered over the edge to check on Buck. It didn't appear to be too far to the bottom and yet he couldn't see any sign of him. He hurried away with his prize.


The first thing Harry was aware of was a firm, almost stabbing sensation in his arm. He instinctively reached over to bat it away, groaning painfully. It did the trick for a few seconds. Then a much harder and painful nudge to his chest pushed him over onto his back. Only then he was able to make out the outline of someone hovering over him. He heard a muffled voice come from it, one he recognised and that cleared up the image of them even further.

"God, I could hear you on the other side of this ref thing," Morgan growled.

Harry scrambled into a sitting position, his eyes wide. Morgan pulled a disgusted face while shuffling backwards on her knees. He looked around, expecting to be in the same place he was before. While he was still on the beach, he noticed he was once more soaking and lying in inch deep water beside some mossy stones. He also noticed his tiny boat had gone missing. "What?" was all he could splutter before spraying water all over himself.

"Who snores when they're knocked unconscious? I thought it was a wear," Morgan said.

"Wear? Do you mean bear?" Harry stared at her blankly, silently judging her. The narrowed eyes told him to cut it out. "What are you doing here?"

Morgan shuffled around into a sitting position herself. He spotted something gold in her hands, which she began to gently toss up and down. "Cleaning up after you, it seems."

"Is that?" Harry's eyes widened. When it landed in her palm he tried to grab it. That earned him a Janeway glare before she pulled it back out of his reach. "You got it from those two? Damn, I really wanted to introduce them to someone." His hand reached into his pocket, which to his dismay was empty.

"No," Morgan scoffed, not noticing the pocket business. "The only clue I got was this stupid joke book I assume Tom wrote. So I threw that down the sodding well the artifact was meant to be in, and nothing happened. Then some guy mermaid tried to sell me gross slimy goop, and..."

Harry quickly got up to run back along the beach toward the two men still arguing over a chest. "Hey, did you morons mug me after shooting me?"

The two looked at him with distaste. "You? Yeah right, as if we'd want something of yours," first man said.

"Neh, this big bloke picked you up, claiming he was rescuing you until he spotted this young lass carrying a mallet twice her size into the trees," the second said. He laughed and dropped his hand with a squeal, "aaah bam."

Harry glowered at the two of them. "Are you talking about Buck?"

The two men panicked, they turned on the spot to face the trees to Harry's right. "Where?" they both squeaked fearfully, and yet stayed still.

Harry eyed the chest in between them again. Since they were distracted he reached for it again. Once more he heard the familiar sounds of a phaser beam or two. Morgan saw the whole thing and rolled her eyes.


Knowing that every single path he encountered would be a magic maze which always warped him to the beginning if he took the wrong turn, Craig hoped it wouldn't take him long to shortcut his way back. After a few screens he started to worry he was taking the exact path he used to get to the artifact and Buck, until he reached a pile of damaged bricks lying around a hole in the ground. He took a peep inside, quickly noticing the same type of bricks lining the perimetre of the hole all the way down until some water. He shrugged and moved on.

To his great annoyance a familiar figure bounded toward him with a chirpy grin on his face, brandishing Harry's tiny boat. "Look, I collected something just like you lads do. Aren't you pro..." He managed to trip over a massive wooden mallet lying in plain sight in the middle of the path. Craig walked around him and left him to his whimpering.

That was until he heard Morgan's name in between gasps. Craig groaned more at himself for stopping, then turning around to check on him. "Do you need a hand?"

"Yes, that would be handy, hahaha," Buck laughed pitifully and forcefully through his tears.

Craig offered a hand to help him up, doing so nearly brought him down to join the clumsy ex-Tolg. Once Buck was eventually back on his feet, he slapped his rescuer across the back. "Oh, how I love a good callback. So clever."

It took a few minutes before breathing in stopped hurting. Then Craig responded with simply, "Morgan?"


One of the guarders of the chest glared ahead at the trees, the other glared at his back. Harry once more stood in front of the chest, losing his will to even avenge his phaser loss.

Morgan meanwhile looked on a bit further behind him, her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide and quizzical. "But..."

"Don't," Harry cut in with a groan. "None of this is logical, don't even bother."

"Ah ha, you blinked!" the one staring at the back of the other cackled.

The guard facing the trees pointed backwards at him and yet still remained in the same position. "So did you. It's a draw."

Harry was about to say something when they turned back to facing each other and arguing over the chest. Morgan blinked a few times before shuddering with building rage.

"Ohno, it's almost lunch time. We'd better get this buried," guard one said. The second opened the chest so the first could throw something he brought out of his jacket into it.

Morgan stared at them with equally widening eyes and jaws as they wandered off with the chest. She looked to Harry who seemed to her almost bored with his straight face and folded arms. "What the..."

"Wait for it. The best is coming," Harry mumbled.

The two returned to stand in the exact same spot, without the chest, in total silence.

"So erm, are you sure you buried it in a safe spot?" Harry asked in a bored voice.

"Didn't you say that exact line an hour ago?" guard two asked.

Harry flinched, "um. No?"

"He's right. If it only took us a few seconds to find a spot, anyone looking will too," guard one said. The two panicked and rushed off.

Moments later they were back to square one with the chest in between them and the artifact in guard one's jacket.

"Screw this, you're on your own," Morgan grumbled, then stomped off.

Harry sighed. "So um, staring contest? Tenth time's the charm." The guards thought about it, all while Harry cursed himself inwardly. "No wait. Need you to turn around fir..." They started glaring at one another. "Shoot." To his annoyance they took him literally and once more he was down.

Morgan meanwhile stumbled on something strange lying in the water close to where she found Harry. As soon as she picked it up it squarked, "water in my pants!" It startled her enough to shriek and toss it flying over her shoulder.

The two guards finished their contest with another draw and once more opened the chest to bury the artifact. The parrot hurtled its way across the beach, landing straight into the chest just as they were closing it. They walked off in the same direction as before, surprisingly deaf to the squarks coming from inside the chest.


Tani smiled, more out of surprise than anything else. "Wow, that didn't take you long." She was quickly unnerved by the three identical death glares she got from her teammates. "Okay, well. Don't tell Biccies that you got them, or we're in..."

"Give me what I want, or I'll tear your little town to pieces looking!" Macveet bellowed.

"You and your men shall not have the ancient summoning artifacts," Veruga barked.

Morgan clenched her fists, Harry rolled his eyes so far back his eyelids were twitching, and Craig merely whined pathetically. Only it was Tani that swung around to scream at them until she was no longer speaking English. Everyone stared. Morgan carefully tip toed around to see if her friend was okay, but found her seething not with red cheeks, but green.

Harry and Craig dared to brave the cloud of smoke fumes surrounding her to join Morgan, with a bigger gap between them and Tani than she did. Harry was more puzzled than worried upon seeing her. "Why does Tani have the Pox?"

"Is that what we're calling it? I was calling it the Hissyfit Disease," Morgan said meekly.

Tani shook her head, which got rid of the green in her face. The smile she had earlier also reappeared for a brief second until she noticed the staring. "What?" she asked innocently.

"Give me what I want, or I'll tear your little town to pieces looking!" Macveet bellowed.

Harry started out groaning, by the time he was done it sounded more like a strained growl. "That's it, I'm out of this sinkhole." He swung around to leave.

"Wait!" Veruga shouted after him before he could take more than a step. He stopped but didn't turn back around.

"What?" Craig blurted out, then his face flushed bright red, "oh we need to know how to do the ritual don't we? Can't leave without that."

Veruga smiled and began to fish around for something inside of the well. Craig and Tani looked on curiously, while Morgan cringed with every bit of movement. Eventually the mermaid alien brought out something with a flourish, and a splash. "Would you like a cookie?"

The sight of the soggy they assumed biscuits sitting on a still dripping plate turned their stomachs. Craig was the only one trying not to show it though, his straight face struggled. "Um. I would not," he said carefully.

Veruga's face fell. "Cookie?" she squeaked almost childlike with a trembling bottom lip.

"No," Morgan bluntly replied.

Before the shaky lip could turn into something more, Macveet growled at the trio and snatched the plate from her hands. "It's about time, fishcakes." He stormed off with them, shouting for his crew to get his ship ready.

Tani was the first to shake it off, leaving the others still very dumbfounded. "He really is Captain McVities."

"Yeah so erm, the plate ritual?" Craig directed at Veruga.

"It's really very simple. Once combined the artifacts will draw the summoning creatures to you. They will show you the way," she answered.

Harry swivelled back around to join everyone once more. "Let me guess. It's on another island with a dumb name and we need to do more puzzles to hire or steal an ocean vessel. Annoying crewmember or two optional. When we get all that it's all for nothing because Tani's kidnapped. Rushed, quirky finale with a theme park theme, the end."

"Absolutely not," Veruga snarled in offense.

Morgan nodded, "she's right. Not one bit of that nonsense was bloated with phaser jokes."

The comment stabbed Harry in the gut. For a brief time he had blissfully forgotten. He triple checked his still empty pocket and whined like a sad puppy.

"I do not know where it is for certain. Myth would have it, the plato hides on a world of absolute darkness, away from those who'd abuse it," Veruga said, frowning at the group.

"So maybe we didn't need to do any of this. We could've looked for a moon in the system with an orbit..." Craig said. A large arm plopped onto his and Harry's shoulders which almost bowled them over.

"Oh what fun," Buck chuckled in between them. "It sounds like a grand adventure. Too bad we can't join you."

"We?" both Harry and Craig said suspiciously. Harry thought of something though and followed with, "you mean you and your kidnapped aliens?"

Tani shuffled her right foot nervously. Morgan stared at her with an eyebrow raised, Tani looked away to avoid eye contact. "You're not...?" Morgan muttered.

"Oh why not. Buck's a good guy now, I'm getting shot in the face, so why wouldn't Tani kidnap herself? Maybe next..." Harry rambled, his voice getting higher with every sentence.

"I'm going too," Morgan said, cutting him off before his voice broke the sound barrier.

Harry froze mid rant for a moment, the only movement being his rapid blinking. Finally his shoulders slouched as he sighed, "it gets better."

"But why?" Craig asked in horror.

Morgan discreetly took a few steps forward and leaned in slightly, lowering her voice to a whisper, "don't you think someone not Tani should keep an eye on Buck?"

"Well yes," Craig whispered back. "But he can tell the difference between the two of you now. Maybe Harry should go."

"Maybe Harry should take his new ship and leave you idiots behind to solve your own messes," Harry grunted. He walked away before Craig could argue with him.

Craig glanced frantically between him and the stubborn face of Morgan. "But... what? My mess? I wasn't in control, whereas you were when you hit the auto-pilot!" he shouted after the fleeing ex Ensign.

"Well I wasn't the one who spilled a can of coke all over the sword," Harry said.

"I can't believe you're comparing..." Craig complained as he looked back around. He jumped at the sight of Morgan glaring at him.

"You had my can, and you spilled it?" she snarled dangerously.

Craig's eyes widened, he hurried off after his teammate. Once he caught up, Harry stared at him quizzically. "What? Morgan can take care of herself and Tani," Craig tried to say normally but whimpered.

"Any moron without an inferiority complex knows that. Come on, let's get this over with," Harry said, his hand gesturing for the artifacts.

When he only received one he shuddered whilst closing his eyes. Craig wondered why until Morgan walked up to them and handed over the two she had without a word, but with a scathing head shake. Once she was out of hearing range Craig lowered his voice and glowered at Harry, "what's that supposed to mean?"

Harry ignored him so he could concentrate on putting the pieces together. He also tried to ignore that the artifacts were all shaped like dish washing utensils. It took a few tries before they all clicked together to form the wonkiest of triangles.

"What is that supposed to be?" Craig said.

Harry shrugged, "I'm really struggling to give a crap at this point." He noticed it started to hum as he raised it into the air. It stopped when he seemingly brought it too high. His face twisted when he lowered it a smidge, then shimmied it side to side. Its hum frequency changed everytime. To his distaste it was loudest while his arm was stretched wide and up in the air.

"Maybe the creatures thing is a mistranslation, and we follow that," Craig suggested with a smirk. "God I hope so."

"Well you know what they say; when all options are exhausted, the stupidest solution is always the correct one," Harry grumbled as he looked over his shoulder. When he was done he spotted Craig's eyes widening fearfully. Harry only groaned and glanced back, expecting something equally or more stupid. He was greeted by what looked a little like a black dolphin floating in the air, nearly inhaling the combined artifact into its nostrils.

Craig laughed nervously. "You had to say it, didn't you?"

"Nyeh, nothing so far has topped the ex-monkey head racing spaceship," Harry said in an attempt to shrug it off. It was already difficult for him, but the creature had to make it worse by snatching the artifact from him with a cute squeak. "Uh... right?" he also squeaked, "to the ship then?" Craig could only nod.


Back on the Nowe, Windfast hummed happily at the helm controls as if following a flying dolphin grasping an artifact made up of utensils through space was perfectly normal. Harry and Craig sat around the bridge deck below him, both wondering if the Pox was making them hallucinate.

"So did this guy tell you what to do once we got this cloth thing?" Craig asked after some uncomfortable silence.

Harry sighed into the hand his chin was resting on. "She wasn't a guy, and no."

Craig sat up with a confused look on his face. "You said you were to meet this guy who knew about the cloth."

"What's your problem, we clearly didn't need him," Harry replied bitterly. "As for when we get the cloth, I imagine we've got to combine it with something, probably Buck's mingy face. Flying dolphins aside, these puzzles don't really change their tune."

"I guess?" Craig didn't look so sure.

"Oh this is boring, when are you going to shoot something?" a woman whined impatiently. The two followed the voice up towards the helm deck, where they then spotted the Harry fangirl from earlier holding Windfast hostage with a sword across his chest.

Harry was the first to leap to his feet. "You again?" he cried in exasperation. "What do you want?"

"Well normally I'd settle for an autographed chest," Tiffany answered. Harry and Craig responded similarly; a brief eyebrow raise and widened eyes. Tiffany scoffed and brandished a box up with her spare hand. "But you two have more than just being a Human in this area of space bounty on your heads."

"You know we should sue for discrimination," Craig muttered.

Harry rolled his eyes, "what kind of bounty?"

"The Pox. You two have infected body parts Doctor Hack wants. I'm bringing you to him, more or less," Tiffany sneered.

"But there was literally an entire village of people infected with this. Why single us out?" Harry asked.

Craig stared at him, not so quietly judging him. "Wow."

Tiffany thought about it, then shrugged it off with disinterest. "I don't know, don't care. I'm getting paid regardless. Try anything stupid and the short one gets it."

"You know we'd usually be in the finale by now," Harry sadly said. Then he noticed Craig's stare had changed and yet he was still looking at him. "What hey, I'm not the short one."

"Um perhaps we should do this hostage malarkey later. We've got bigger problems," Windfast said nonchalantly, despite the blade on his torso.

Harry sighed, "what now?"

Windfast pointed ahead of him towards the main window at the front of the bridge. Everyone redirected their gaze to it and immediately regretted it. The dolphin was nowhere in sight, in its place they were almost nose to nose with a creature that looked more like a whale opening its mouth.

"Oh my god, what are you waiting for? Shoot it!" Craig screamed.

Harry whimpered, his hand shakily hovered over his pocket. "I can't."

"Why not?" Craig shouted. Harry merely squeaked in response. Craig's terror was momentarily swapped for disbelief and irritation, "are you freaking kidding me? The one time you should fire at something, you don't!" He hurried for the weapon controls.

The creature lunged for them with its mouth open wide. The crew screams could be heard until its lips closed around the ship.



Previous Episode <<  >> Next Part