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The Voyager crew try to survive in their new home, meanwhile it's up to three convicted criminals to save their crewmates.
31st December 2003, & 1st January 2004
3rd February 2004
29th November 2012
May 2372 (late season 2)
Chakotay was sitting in his chair, the lights were dimmed, the only light in the room was coming from the few candles on the coffee table.
"Ah hello uh readers. You may be wondering why on earth this episode is starting off like this, but several of you are probably so brainwashed that you don't notice or care. Oh sorry that's the Simpsons, ok moving on," he said. He picked up a cigar, he put it in his mouth to smoke it but he started coughing madly.
"Now for all of you who have clicked on the Instinct link on Now Showing, without looking at the episodes before it, or have just clicked on the link in the episode archive, or possibly have stolen Marill's computer and randomly picked this file to open," Chakotay said. He put down the cigar. "I'll just stick to the, if you've just tuned in take a minute or so and let me tell you what happened so far in this season."
Chakotay turned to a different angle, "oh and the writer wants me to point out that this isn't happening to make the file larger. It's just a really bad joke." He leaned in closer to the screen, "though that doesn't explain away the whole series, does it?"
James walked into the room, he hit Chakotay over the head with a... um, conveniently placed book shelf that had fell down. He turned to the screen, "here's what's happened in the B4FV Seasons so far." He walked off screen muttering to himself, "what a waste of bloody space."
A little while later Chakotay was sitting back in his chair with a big lump on his head. "Right in Caretaker Voyager and my Marquis ship got lost in the Delta Quadrant. Any Voyager fans will know the basics of that episode cos Marill was too lazy to re-write it properly."
James, who was sitting nearby holding the shelf that was in half by the way, groaned, "why is the writer using me to threaten?"
Chakotay shook his head, "well they can't use Tom can they?"
Tom stormed in, "stop insulting the writer or I'll punch your head in." James and Chakotay burst out laughing. "Why did I say that?" he shuddered as he stepped out of the room.
"Moving onto Parallax Janeway promoted 'punches everybody' here to Ensign cos he's mummy's boy," Chakotay said. He glanced nervously at James, "oh yeah, this is just a recap thingy, he won't remember this."
James wasn't really listening though, "hurry up Chuckles, the readers don't want to scroll down as much crap you know."
Chakotay sighed, "somewhere in that episode Faye went unconscious and had this weird dream, then she woke back up. Eye of Ramn, Jessie got possessed by a bimbo, she kissed James and that's it. Jesus why was that a two parter?"
"Hey, how do you know about that?" James snapped.
"In Time & Again the interrupting brat decided to pick a fight with Tom, the whole bridge found out about the kissing incident and James decided to be horrible to Jessie. What a crying shame, as you can tell I'm being sarcastic," he took a deep breath. "Phage, nothing really happened. Light the Fire Janeway found out James was her long lost son. James and Jessie got 'together'."
"And Tom and James got put into one body... hey, who edited my scene?" Chakotay snapped.
James woke up suddenly, "who do you think moron? The US president?"
Chakotay groaned, "she asked me to do this. Oh well, Death Wish lots of Q's appeared, nothing important happened. The Resolutions Saga arrived, Ian and Lisa split up, Janeway and I got together, James dirtied up Jessie and..."
"Hey!" James snapped.
"Oh I'm sorry, James and Jessie had a special, cough, night together. Ok they did nothing," Chakotay muttered. James lowered his knife, and went back to sleep. "Okeydokey, some vamps caused trouble, one of the original vamps were killed even though no Slayers have survived the Masters so far. In Lately Janeway got some deadly coffee. Memories I lost my memory, and that's about it."
James threw the knife in his sleep, Chakotay ducked in time and it landed in the wall. "Have I gotten to the bit where James goes psychotic? Oh wait, that was twenty odd years before the series began."
James woke back up again, "hey don't make me get my axe out!"
"Yes that helps," Chakotay muttered sarcastically. "Moving on. Paper Bag Faye went invisible after a few flashbacks that's similar to the writer's earlier life, but not too similar of course or she'd get sued or something. Well that's next right? Run or Hide, nothing interesting happened. Sweet Sensation everyone got drunk, we got rid of that damn deadly coffee."
"Ugh, are you done yet!?" James moaned.
"Nearly. No Matter What, he got even more psycho cos of some unknown reasons, not to you guys though," Chakotay replied.
"They know and I don't, that's not fair," James grumbled.
"Basics, Seska's baby was born prematurely, we went after it and now we're captured by the Kazon after falling into a trap. It ended just when Seska was going to tell us the father of the kid," Chakotay said.
James yawned, "ok, can we get on with the episode now?"
"Sure," Chakotay groaned.
this is the actual episode now, ahem, and now the conclusion...
Seska and Cullah made their way over to their prisoners, Seska was holding a baby. "So what do you think of your son then?" she asked nobody in particular.
"For crying out loud, who's is it!?" Danny asked like she was going to cry.
Seska stared at her, "ok ok, I forgot to mention that." Everyone stared at her, waiting for her to tell them. She just cooed over the baby for a few seconds, "he has your eyes don't you think?"
Chakotay groaned, "who's eyes damn it?"
"As long as they're not Suder's I don't care," Danny muttered.
"Ok, blue or brown?" Jessie questioned.
Every crewmember excluding Kathryn, Chakotay and Jessie pulled out PADDs. "Blue," Seska replied.
"Damn it, I had ten days of rations on Chakotay!" Harry moaned. Everyone else grinned innocently, Harry started handing over all the rations he had in his pocket.
Jessie glanced around at everyone, "hey, everyone betted on James?"
Danny shook her head, "you should be ashamed of yourselves." She put her hand out near Harry, he dumped rations into her hand.
"Oh come on, it was the obvious choice. What's the point in having Chakotay being the dad again?" an unknown crewmember said.
Seska looked around looking confused, "where is James, I figured he'd be here. Oh well it doesn't matter, I was talking to Chakotay anyway."
Everyone gasped in shock. Harry got all his rations back, and some other rations too. He smiled triumphantly.
"That's it Seska, stop toying with us. Lets have a look at the baby," Chakotay snapped.
"How could we tell who's the dad?" Harry asked.
"Well Chakotay's would have a stupid tattoo on his face," Jessie replied.
Chakotay pouted, "I wasn't born with it!"
"Ok just call the baby gay and see what happens," Danny said.
Cullah growled, "it doesn't matter who the father is. What's important is, is I will raise him as my son." He started pacing, "the boy will be raised as a Nistrim Askara. Already he has helped win the greatest battle in our history."
"God the Kazon must have boring history," Danny whispered to Jessie.
Kathryn stood up, "Cullah, I'd like to discuss what happens now."
Cullah turned and he punched her in the face, she stumbled to the ground, luckily Chakotay caught her.
"You will be treated no differently than any Kazon woman. From now on, I will tell you when you may speak," Cullah snapped.
"Let my crew live, they were only following my orders," Kathryn said.
"No we don't," Jessie whispered to Danny.
"You're just as bad as she is," Cullah grumbled as he pointed at Seska. "What is it with the women in your quadrant? You know she contradicts me in front of the senior Askara. My own woman, disputing her Maj in front of others. This is your fault, you let your women get out of control."
"You know I mean no disrespect Maj," Seska muttered.
"Why is it so dark in here, someone turn on the lights," Cullah ordered. The lights came back on straight away. "Order the repair crews to begin immediately," he said as he sat down in Kathryn's chair. "I want to leave for the Hannan system immediately."
"What's in the Hannan system?" Chakotay asked.
"You're new home. Take them to the Cargo Bay, hold the entire crew there too, check all quarters," Seska replied.
The order was made solid by Cullah's finger snapping, all the bridge crew, excluding Jessie and Chakotay, were shuffled out of the room. "Do you actually know who the dad is?" Jessie asked.
Chakotay just shook his head, "come on Jessie." He gently took a hold of her arm. One of the Kazon's pushed a rifle into his arm.
Seska smiled, "you know I'm not exactly sure darling."
Jessie groaned, she pulled her arm out of Chakotay's grip and followed the others out, "ugh whore."
Chakotay stared at Seska one more time before he also headed out. Seska smiled, she sat down in Chakotay's chair.
The Doctor heard some commotion in the main room from his office. He stood up, and had a peep through the glass. The sight of Kazons pushing crewmembers through the door made him quickly get back out of sight.
"Computer, reactivate EMH in twelve hours," he said. Then he disappeared out of sight, just in time as one Kazon walked into the office.
Several Kazons were running around the ruins of Deck Eight searching for any alive people. One looked into Suder's quarters, he gave up quickly and continued on. Inside one of the jeffries tubes, Suder and James were waiting around quietly, both sporting at least one burn on their faces.
Suder, being the closest one to the jeffries tube door, kept glancing back at James looking annoyed, "hey you're kicking me."
"I'm not, if I were you'd know about it," James whispered.
Suder stared at him with those psychotic eyes, "you did something."
"Well I'm sorry we're stuck in a cramped jeffries tube, now be quiet, we'll be found," James muttered.
Suder calmed down, "ok." He turned his head back towards the door.
"Sir," one Kazon said. "We've accounted for all but three of the Voyager crew, there's also a shuttle missing."
"Yes we destroyed the shuttle as it was leaving," Cullah said.
Seska stared at the two, "has that been confirmed?"
Cullah groaned, "fine, do a search for it, confirm the shuttle was destroyed."
"Even if they do find wreckage that seems to be from the shuttle, tell them to check for a recent warp trail," Seska ordered.
Cullah looked annoyed, he glanced at the Kazon, he nodded his head and walked off.
Voyager had now landed on an earlier version of Earth type planet. Most of the crew were standing outside in the cold wind.
Cullah made his way over to Kathryn, he snatched away her commbadge. "A fitting end to a people who will not share their technology. Lets see if you manage to survive, without it." He and the other Kazons headed back to the ship.
"Come on, we'd better find water and shelter," Kathryn said loud enough for everyone to hear. The crew headed off towards the mountains.
One team which Neelix was in command of for some reason, had scattered around nearby some caves. Neelix made his way towards a cave entrance, where Sid and that Hogan guy who hasn't really appeared before now standing and arguing.
"I'm not picking bones, that's boring!" Sid moaned.
"Well I'm not staying here on my own, haven't you seen Basics?" Hogan grumbled.
Neelix stood in between the two men, "ok if nobody wants to stay at the cave entrance and pick bones like an idiot, then neither stay. The writer doesn't have the beginning of Basics part 2 anyway so she doesn't know that a big man eating lizard thing eats someone."
Suddenly the big man eating lizard thing leaped out of the cave and swallowed Hogan whole, it then retreated back into its cave.
"Maybe she re-recorded it," Neelix muttered.
"Actually I'm pretty glad that didn't happen to me. It was too quick, plus he died," Sid commented. He walked away, Neelix stared at him in disbelief.
Tom banged his fist against the computer panel, "oh come on, load sensor diagnostic."
"Cannot run sensor diagnostic, a DLL file is missing."
"I have already replaced two DLL files, how many more do you want!" Tom screamed.
"Warning, vessel approaching."
Tom rushed to the pilots seat, "how the hell do you know, the sensors aren't working?"
"Um... Illegal Operation."
Tom rolled his eyes, "fire weapons at the Kazon ship, I really don't have time for this."
The small ship outside exploded after several phaser shots.
"I told you I dont have time for this," Tom grumbled. "How long until we're in comm range of the Talaxian convoy?"
"Seven hours, two minutes."
"Fine ok, what's the other DLL file you need?" Tom reluctantly asked.
"That's just gross," Claire muttered.
Faye turned rather pale, "does she realise she's holding a guy's separated torso?"
"No I think that's just his uniform folded up, so the censors would tell you," Claire whispered.
"But it looks like a torso," Faye said.
"Faye, the torso is the best part, why would the creature not eat that?" Craig pointed out.
Faye smiled nervously, "ok I'm quite relieved, but how did it manage to spit out the uniform mostly intact?"
"Quiet please," Chakotay groaned.
"This is my fault, Kes please comfort me," Neelix stuttered.
Kes stepped away from him, "no I need some space, that'll do."
"Stop it, no one should think about blame. Hogan was a fine officer and a good man, and this death will be the last death we'll have in a long time. I will not let this planet destroy my crew!" Kathryn literally screamed. "Kes see to it that the caves are off limits, I want some clear safety protocols established."
Chakotay leaned closer to Tuvok, "we'd better find some coffee substitute and quickly." Tuvok nodded his head.
"Now, what's our food and water status?" Kathryn snapped, glaring at everybody.
Chakotay shifted his feet nervously, "not good but I do have a suggestion."
"This'll be fun," Danny commented.
Chakotay ignored her, "I know it sounds grisly, but I can use Hogan's uniform to get water."
"Eeew I'm not drinking that," Faye moaned.
Everyone stared in her direction. "Faye he's not going to turn the uniform into water, he's going to use it to get water," Claire muttered.
"Ok whatever," Faye shook her head.
"Uh Captain, we're having some trouble finding food," Neelix quickly butted in.
"Then tell the crew to start turning over rocks," Kathryn ordered as she headed over to some small stones. Everyone watched her looking nervous. She overturned some stones, and picked up some of the worms that were under it. "If any mocks about eating these, just tell them their's an order from their Captain. They may be the difference between life and death." She dumped some worms in some unknown crewmembers hands, and stormed off.
"Um didn't she just say that Hogan's death was to be the last?" Harry questioned.
"Uh huh," everyone turned pale.
Seska walked in holding her baby, "computer activate EMH."
Meanwhile the Doctor, who was hiding in his office, jumped to his feet looking startled. He headed out of the office and tried to look natural. "Ahem, please state the nature of the medical emergency."
"Hello Doctor," Seska said. "Remember me?" She placed her baby on the biobed.
"How could I forget such an intriguing medical mystery, how are you Seska?" the Doctor calmly replied. He started to scan the baby with a tricorder. "Hmm everything seems normal, for a premature baby he is in perfect health."
Seska picked her baby back up, "Kazon medicine is very basic compared to ours, I'm sure Chakotay will be happy that you're taking care of his son, or James', I'm not sure. Can you check?"
The Doctor smiled, "it'll be my pleasure." He did another scan of the baby, "interesting, it's not either."
Seska stared in disbelief, "what!?"
"He is part Kazon, there is no Human DNA in there," the Doctor replied.
Seska raised her baby so she could look at his face, "I was so sure, he looks..."
"He is the first offspring of a Cardassian and a Kazon, we have no frame or reference to judge his initial appearance. Maybe he will develop more Kazon features as he matures," the Doctor said.
"Maj Cullah will be so pleased," Seska grumbled. She turned to leave, "end medical holographic program."
The Doctor disappeared on command. He reactivated himself once she had left the room. "Well that was a bummer," he said as he started to pace. "Medical Log Stardate um... I dunno I don't have any windows to help me count the stars. Anyway James and Chakotay are not the fathers of Seska's child, Cullah is. If only there were someway of telling them.
"Oh and Voyager's been taken over by the Kazon, we're so screwed. End Log." He sighed, "what am I going to do, I am on my own and I can't help this damn ship. Where's the FDA when you need them!"
He stepped into his office, and sat down in his chair, "computer, what's the crew compliment?"
"There are eighty nine Kazon, one Cardassian, one part Cardassian infant, one Human and one Betazoid on board."
The Doctor looked up in shock, "what did you say? Human and Betazoid? Oh god it better not be Faye or Tom, or Harry. Who?"
"Please restate the question."
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Crewman Lon Suder and Ensign James Taylor."
The Doctor sighed, "yes we're still screwed."
in a jeffries tube:
"You were, I heard you," Suder said.
"Look it's my head, it's my business!" James snapped.
"Well I'm sorry, yeesh," Suder muttered.
In: "Sickbay to Taylor."
James tapped his commbadge, "yeah, this is not a good time Doc."
In: "Ok fine, just let me know when it is a good time. I mean this is a crisis I'm sure it can wait."
"Could you keep your voice down doc," James muttered.
In: "Have you seen Crewman Suder?"
"I wish I hadn't," James replied.
"You're not used to telepaths are you?" Suder groaned.
In: "Can you get to Sickbay?"
"We'll have to go soon anyway," James said. Suder shook his head.
It was night time at the Voyager crew's new home, also it was incredibly cold.
Kathryn walked into the cave not looking too bothered about it, "ok everyone, huddle together in groups, not a time to be shy." She stepped in front of Jessie, who was sitting on the ground next to Danny and Ian. "And you, no huddling with you know who."
Jessie glared at her, Danny and Ian looked uncomfortable as a result. "There's no you know who b**ch," she grumbled.
Kathryn glanced around, "oh my, where is James? Have we lost him?"
"Duh yes, I haven't seen him since before he was locked back up," Danny replied.
"Meaning he's either dead or was just captured by the Kazon after the ship left," Ian said. Danny and Jessie elbowed him hard in the ribs. "But he's probably hiding in a cave somewhere playing a prank."
Harry shifted his feet uncomfortably, "um he was on Deck Eight, that deck partly exploded nearby quarters of Suder and um the Kazon guy's."
"Who the hell is this Suder!?" Kathryn asked angrily.
"Um, I think you missed the point I was making," Harry muttered as he walked away.
"I demand an answer!" Kathryn moaned.
"Suder is the guy who's psychotic ok," Danny muttered.
"Oh do you mean that guy who hurts himself on purpose?" Kathryn said.
"Speaking of which, he's not here either. Must be connected with the explosion I mentioned," Harry said.
Everyone continued to ignore him. "Yeah Suder's not here either," Ian said.
"No he's here, look," Kathryn said, pointing at Sid.
"That's not Suder, he's probably dead like James so there's no point in this," Harry muttered.
"James is not dead," Jessie said.
"Yeah even if he was, he'd come back," Danny commented.
B'Elanna, Faye and Craig rushed into the cave holding what looked like cucumbers and eggs. "Hey we've found food, isn't that great," Craig cheerfully said.
"I don't like eggs though, but hey it's good," Faye said.
B'Elanna shook her head, "they're not very far away from here."
"Get them to Neelix," Kathryn ordered.
"Yeah like he'd make them anymore edible," Faye muttered. She, B'Elanna and Craig walked away.
Kathryn walked over to Samantha, who was cradling her screaming baby daughter. "How is she holding up Samantha?"
"Not good, what do we do?" Samantha replied.
"It's ok, she's probably just not used to her new surroundings. She's more used to a starship, just give her some time," Kathryn said.
Lee sharpened a knife he had in his hands nearby, "hey if she doesn't stop we could cook her."
Samantha glared at him, she punched him with a spare hand.
Kathryn frowned, "how did he leave Voyager with a knife." She snatched it away from him.
"Hey, that's mine," Lee moaned.
"You idiot, we could use this," Kathryn grumbled. She headed over to Chakotay who was trying to start a fire.
"Damn it, damn it," he grumbled. He tossed away two sticks, "you're trapped on a barren planet, and you're stuck with the only Indian in the universe who can't start a fire by rubbing two sticks together! I was never good at this as a child, why should I be any different now."
"It's ok, no one else has had any luck," Kathryn said. She handed him the knife, "maybe you could use this."
"No I think kindling would work a lot better," Chakotay said. He looked around the cave, he eventually eyed Kathryn's hair.
"What?" she asked looking rather worried.
"Oh nothing," Chakotay innocently replied.
little while later:
"No, for the love of god no!" Kathryn screamed as a few people held her down.
"Not a time to be shy Janeway," Jessie said nearby. Danny giggled.
Harry used a rock to rub a bit of Kathryn's hair, "she's going to kill me later."
Chakotay continued to look around, "ok we need another girl with long hair." His eyes landed on Jessie.
Jessie then noticed, "what, no no..."
Danny and Ian got up and backed away from her. Meanwhile Harry managed to get some hair from Kathryn's head, he handed it to Chakotay.
The group that held Kathryn down turned to Jessie instead, she quickly jumped to her feet and ran away from them.
Chakotay eyed Claire, "go for her too."
Claire shook her head, "no, oh crap!" She jumped to her feet, a different group ran for her.
Lisa turned to Faye, "I'm getting out of here before they pick me." She got up and slyly left the cave.
Meanwhile Jessie's group had managed to hold her down on the ground, two other guys had to join the group though. "Hold her head!" one yelled.
Harry nervously walked over to them, "maybe someone else should take her hair, I've already got Janeway looking at me like I have death behind me."
Lee snatched the rock off him, "you wuss, let me do it." Before he could get the rock near her hair, Jessie bit his hand. He backed away holding his hand, "Owie, she bit me!"
"Just get the bottom of her hair first, she can't reach you then," one crewman said.
Another crewmember walked over to Chakotay holding a large amount of Claire's long hair, "here you go sir."
Claire looked like she was going to blow, "I hate all of you, you b***ards!"
"Same time tomorrow Claire," Lee sniggered as he worked on Jessie's hair.
"Oh god, you are so going to get neutered for this!" Jessie screamed. Lee looked worried as some of her hair finally broke away from the rest. "I don't mean just him, I mean all of you," Jessie said like she was going to cry.
Harry sighed, "you know we should just all chase the long haired girls, we dont actually need the hair, the chase alone warms you up."
Chakotay tried to ignore what was going on behind him, with several strands of hair nearby he rubbed two sticks together. A small fire began.
Jessie stood up, everyone who held her down backed away as a result. "Geez, you get stranded on a useless planet and how long does it take until the men start chasing the women around? Five minutes was it?"
Danny laughed, "that was a good one."
"We'll be eating each other next," Jessie muttered.
"Eeew, that's enough to turn even me into a vegetarian," Faye commented.
little while later:
Several crewmembers had gathered around the fire.
"If we get some more rocks it'll reflect the heat better," Neelix said, standing up. "I'll go and get some." He left the cave.
Kes sighed, "hmm that smell's gone."
Jessie finished fiddling with her hair, "can you see the split ends now?"
All the guys shuffled backwards or to the side looking scared stiff.
"No Jess, it still looks like somebody attacked you with a rock," Kes replied.
Jessie groaned, "they could have used the knife, or not chose me at all, but nooo, it had to be me with a rock."
Chakotay nearby clicked his fingers, "oh yeah the knife, oh well tomorrow then."
Kes stood up, "I'd better go and check on the furball." She stepped out of the cave.
"What do you mean you can't take on Voyager?" Tom said.
The Talaxian on the screen shifted in his chair, "well Voyager's too strong."
"It's not, you were willing to fight against the Kazon," Tom moaned.
The Talaxian, "yes well the Kazon have Voyager, that's got to be worse."
"Commander Paxon, my people are counting on you!" Tom yelled. "Look no one knows..." The screen turned black. "Computer what just happened?"
"Connection has been lost."
"Not again," Tom moaned. "Re-connect."
Tom sighed as he keyed in a few commands, "now call the Talaxians again."
"Unable to comply, there appears to be a firewall."
Tom looked confused, "what?"
"Ok you won't buy that, Internet Explorer's settings is set to Work Offline."
"Ok now I know that's not possible, I managed to reload this website," Tom said. His eyes lit up, "ooh that link looks interesting."
"Connection has been lost."
"But I was loading a good page," Tom groaned. "Re-connect, and you better refresh this page."
The screen Tom was looking at loaded for a second, then it changed to Page Cannot Be Displayed. "No, you b***ard, did you disconnect again!?"
"Ok fine, can you contact the Talaxians then?" Tom asked.
"Affirmative, but they won't be able to hear you, and vice versa."
"Why not?" Tom looked like he was going to cry.
"Unknown, I think someone installed Windows ME into my system."
"But it was either Windows 2298 or ME, damn you, damn you!" Tom cried, he headbutted the console.
"Connection has been lost."
The Doctor opened the jeffries tube door nearby one of the biobeds. James climbed out of it, Suder followed him.
"I am so glad you're both here, I was really worried about the situation," the Doctor said.
"What are you talking about, I did not think that," James said, ignoring the Doctor.
"Yes you did, what would I have to gain from lying about it?" Suder said.
"Well for one, a bet maybe?" James said.
"What kind of weird bet is that?" Suder questioned.
"I dunno, oh shut up," James muttered.
The Doctor sighed, "now I'm even more worried."
James and Suder looked over at him. "What, oh right. Sorry we took so long, the Kazon are still fixing the ship," James said.
"Ah I see, and arguing makes sneaking to Sickbay a lot easier," the Doctor said sarcastically.
"Actually it doesn't, oh," James said.
The Doctor rolled his eyes, "ok we'd better figure out what to do. Maybe we could sabotage the ship, but we'll need weapons just in case..."
"Yeah I got plenty in my quarters," James said.
The Doctor looked over at James and Suder, he noticed Suder staring at the wall. "Mr Suder, this involves you too."
Suder looked at him, "what, yes I'm listening."
"Oh, enjoying your freedom Mr Suder? How stupid of me to think you'd want to help," the Doctor muttered.
"You're wrong, I do want to help," Suder said.
"Then, what?" the Doctor questioned.
"I may have to kill some of them," Suder sighed.
The Doctor glanced over at James, "you could learn something from him, Mr Taylor."
He pulled a face, "I'm not a mass murderer doc. Speaking of which, we're not going to get back the ship by sabotaging it."
"No but it's a start," the Doctor said. He turned to Suder, "Mr Tuvok would agree that violence is sometimes needed to protect your ship and crew."
"Plus it gives the doctors something to do," James commented.
Suder ignored him, "yes, there is a logical use for violence, but not for me. Once it starts it just, takes over me."
"We're all in this together," the Doctor said. He turned to James, "we will help you the best that we can."
"Why did you look at me when you said that?" James asked.
The Doctor sighed, "ok James you want to get your weapons, get your weapons, but be careful. Mr Suder, I need your help with something here."
Chakotay walked into the cave, and over to Kathryn, "there's signs of a struggle outside camp, there's alien tracks."
Jessie nodded her head, "that's good, do they have six toes or something?"
Chakotay frowned, "oh shut up."
"Do you expect me to be nice to you, have you seen my hair?" Jessie muttered.
Danny tried to keep a straight face, "yes it's lovely."
Tuvok walked over with a bow, and a couple of sticks, "we have finished a few weapons."
"How thoughtful Tuvok, but my tribe never used bows and arrows and I've never shot one," Chakotay smiled.
Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "the bow is mine. I taught archery science at the Vulcan Academy for Defensive Arts."
Jessie and Danny looked amused as they glanced at each other. "Make way for Robin Tuvok," Danny giggled.
"Robin?" Tuvok said.
Kathryn shook it off, "ok we'd better start searching before the morning starts, does anyone have a problem with that?"
"Uh no, it's a very good idea," Chakotay slowly and carefully said.
"In the dark, oh yes very good plan," Jessie muttered.
"Ugh, this was a bad day to give up coffee," Kathryn groaned.
Everyone glanced at the person next to them. "I'll say it," Danny muttered. She cleared her throat, "you didn't give up coffee, you just can't find any here."
Kathryn glared at her, "shut up, I know that!"
the next day:
Two Kazons were sitting in the main part of somebodies quarters, one was blubbering like a baby. Little did they know James was waiting around in the next room.
"And then she said, we should just be friends," the crying one wailed.
The other one patted the crying one on the back, "there there."
A group of Kazon walked into the room, Cullah was one of them. "What are you two doing here?"
The crying one quickly dried his eyes, "uh nothing." He and his friend rushed out.
The group of Kazon made their way over to one of the bedrooms but they found no one there.
"He's in here, search," Cullah growled.
"You really need some throat sweets boss," one Kazon said. Cullah stared at him, he quickly rushed over to a cupboard. He was about to open one of the doors, instead it pushed itself open and hit him in the face.
The others turned and pointed phasers at the cupboard, a few of them slowly made their way over to it.
"Take him to the office," Cullah ordered.
A group of aliens had gathered around Kes and Neelix, who were forced to huddle close together.
"This is just great, I blame you," Kes mumbled.
"What? You used to be sweet, whatever happened?" Neelix moaned.
"Well I'm sorry I have friends," Kes grumbled.
Nearby Chakotay, Kathryn, Jessie, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Harry were watching over them, out of sight on top of a hill.
"We need a plan," Harry said.
"Never," Jessie muttered.
Chakotay sighed, "I've got one, I'll go down and talk to them."
"Right good plan," Jessie said.
"Nice knowing you," B'Elanna commented.
Chakotay shook his head, he started to climb down the hill. A woman screamed and hid behind a few of the guys.
"Commander, thank god," Neelix said.
"Are you both all right?" Chakotay asked.
"They haven't hurt us," Kes replied.
"Good," Chakotay said. He turned to what looked like the leader, "listen um..."
The group of aliens suddenly started screaming, the girls all ran away. Chakotay, Kes and Neelix, looking confused turned to the source.
Meanwhile Jessie, B'Elanna and Harry were trying not to laugh, while Tuvok just had his eyebrow raised higher than usual.
"I can't believe she's doing that," Harry said.
"She's probably delirious from the lack of coffee, she'd do anything really," Jessie said.
Kathryn waved one hand around, "ooh I know what coffee likes." She placed both hands on her hips and pouted, "I know what cappuccino likes." She then decided to shake her head, "I know what coffee slushies want. Coffee likes me!"
"Shh, don't tell her the coffee was cheating with me a few days ago," Harry whispered.
"Er, guys," B'Elanna warned as she pointed in front of them.
Chakotay, Kes and Neelix were now running towards them, the natives were following them.
"We're under attack," Jessie stuttered.
Everyone but Chakotay and Kathryn ran away as fast as they could. Chakotay took a hold of Kathryn's arm, "come on, time to go."
"I know what cafe au lait likes, not me," Kathryn 'sang'.
"Screw it, just leave her!" B'Elanna yelled. Chakotay ignored her, he tried to pull Kathryn with him.
B'Elanna, Harry, Jessie, Tuvok and one unknown crewmember ran towards a cave opening.
Jessie stopped when they got there, "hey I'm not going in there!"
"We have to, they'll kill us," Harry stuttered.
"Ok ok, the man eating lizard thing will only eat men right," Jessie said. The rest of the group pushed her into the cave.
The entire group wandered the caves for a while. B'Elanna coughed, "oh my god, what's that smell?"
"Oh I'm sorry," Harry innocently said.
Jessie stepped further away from him, "that's smoke, that can't be right."
B'Elanna groaned, "great, now they're trying to smoke us out."
"So's Harry," Jessie muttered.
Harry blushed, "I said sorry."
Sid appeared from around the nearby corner, "hey guys, what you doing?"
"Hiding from cave people," Jessie replied.
"Yes and we're very excited about that. What are you doing?" Harry asked.
"Oh," Sid laughed. "I'm playing chasey with that lizard thing."
B'Elanna turned red in rage, "you b***ard! You'll lead it right to us!" Right on cue the sound of a large creature growling echoed down the corridors.
"Uhoh he's catching up, later folks," Sid said, he ran off.
The others followed him, all except the unknown crewmember. He looked very confused and worried. Harry turned to face him, "Canuul, come on!"
"Aisya ha?" the blue shirt stuttered. The lizard thing appeared and swallowed him whole. Harry backed off and followed the others.
the Ready Room:
"I've just received a message from a patrol fleet," one Kazon said as Cullah walked in. Seska wandered over to the desk carrying the baby. Some other Kazon entered the room dragging James with them.
"And I just got something sweeter," Cullah said.
"Thanks, but you're not my type," James muttered.
Cullah narrowed his eyes, "I hope he isn't as insulting when he's evil."
Seska smiled, "aaw poor baby. The trigger does work so you will probably find out."
"Trigger? What are you talking about?" James questioned.
"You'll find out soon," Seska replied.
"That shuttle has been destroyed sir," the first Kazon said.
"Were there two people on board?" Seska asked.
"It didn't really say," the Kazon replied.
Seska groaned, "three people were missing when we captured the crew, we have one. Is there any signs of intruders?"
Cullah turned around, "no but he'll tell us."
"Yeah like your interrogation has ever worked on me before," James muttered.
In: "Engineering to Cullah, you'd better get here."
"Why, what's wrong now?" Cullah snapped.
In: "Someone's pressed the pink button again."
"Who keeps doing that!?" Cullah exclaimed.
"Well I was here so it wasn't me," James commented.
Cullah growled, "this is annoying me. We could not detect this one by normal means, for all we know there could be a few dozen onboard."
Seska frowned, "why couldn't you detect him?"
"I don't know, but the search has been slowed down because of some thoron leak," Cullah replied.
"Thoron particles?" Seska snapped. "That's an old Marquis trick to fool tricorders."
"Oh yeah, I knew I was forgetting something," James said.
Seska walked over to him, "if it was you, where's the generator?"
"I kinda dropped it somewhere, it looked broken," James replied.
"See, we don't need to interrogate, he tells us everything," one Kazon said. Everyone glared in his direction.
"For god's sake, he'd only tell us lies you idiot," Seska snapped.
The Kazon's face dropped, "oh."
Suder climbed out of the jeffries tube looking distraught. The Doctor rushed over, "good and bad news. The bad is the Kazon captured Mr Taylor. The good is Mr Paris just contacted us, he's got some help on the way." Suder stared at the tube door, the Doctor looked inside and saw a dead Kazon. "Oh I see."
"We have weapons now," Suder stuttered. He fell onto his knees, and rested his head on the ground.
"You did what you had to Mr Suder," the Doctor said. "I'll get something to calm you down."
"No, no drugs. I just need to breathe, see the light that is my breath," Suder said to himself.
Kathryn, Chakotay, Tuvok, Jessie and Harry were all sitting nearby a small fire, outside the cave.
"We should increase the number of weapons," Tuvok said.
"Increase what, coffee?" Kathryn stuttered, shaking madly.
"No, but I don't think we should fight these guys," Harry replied.
"Yes, there is too many unknown crewmembers at risk here," Chakotay commented.
Faye and Claire ran over to the group. "You won't believe what just happened," Faye said while trying to get her breath back.
"What?" Chakotay questioned.
Johnny, Myleene and Jeri Ryan, minus her Borg implants, came up behind Faye and Claire.
"God you people run so fast," Myleene muttered.
Johnny sighed, "I usually run faster than that but I got stuck behind these two." Myleene and Jeri blushed.
"Wha... what's going on?" Harry stuttered.
"We're here to help you, we've got food, drinks, showers..." Johnny replied.
Kathryn's eyes widened, "coffee?"
"Uh..." Johnny looked around for some help.
Kathryn jumped onto him, knocking him to the ground, "you have coffee?"
"Yes we do, yes," he replied.
"Uh Kathryn, we gave them that bat that makes coffee and..." Chakotay said.
Jessie elbowed him in the arm, "shh, be quiet."
Harry stood up, "wait, how did you find us?"
"That Tom guy contacted us. Plus the Kazon have been broadcasting an advert. It goes something like this, 'we have Voyager haha, and they have Hannan Six, go on down and bug them for free'," Jeri replied.
"Those b***ards, I hate bugs," Jessie muttered.
"So can we leave now?" Chakotay asked.
"Not yet no. Our ship's too small, we'd have to go to Voyager and come back three times," Johnny replied.
"Plus it kinda left us here with the supplies, they have to get Voyager back," Jeri added.
"Just wondering, what is Tom paying you?" Harry asked.
"Oh, blackmail footage of Janeway," Johnny replied.
Kathryn looked up at the group, "huh, what?"
"So we just have to open a commlink with the shuttle at the right moment, then Tom will send the exploding virus," the Doctor said.
"Tom has that virus?" Suder looked confused.
"No that's our allies, which reminds me we should send that footage of Janeway sneaking into the Mess Hall and killing Neelix, to them later," the Doctor replied.
"When did that happen?" Suder questioned.
"When she was on the patch the first time round, but that's not important," the Doctor said.
"Should I continue pressing the pink button nearby Engineering?" Suder asked.
"Yeah sure, why not. That does annoy them, it could be a distraction," the Doctor replied.
"So how do we open a commlink? We'd have to be on the bridge to do that," Suder said.
"Well I don't know, we'll have to think of something," the Doctor said.
the Ready Room:
The room was now more or less empty, only James was there. His hands were now tied behind his back. The computer on the desk started making beepy noises. James looked up from behind the desk, on the screen it said "incoming secret transmission." He used the wall to help him stand up, turned around and switched the computer fully on.
Tom appeared on the screen, "oh my, this isn't Sickbay. Oh wait, hey James."
James, who had turned around in time, looked relieved, "how, what are you doing?"
"Oh I can send secret messages now, Damien helped me out," Tom replied, looking rather nervous.
"Damien? What the, why is he helping you?" James asked.
"Well you remember when Janeway broke into the Mess Hall at five am and murdered Neelix to get his new coffee icecream," Tom questioned.
"Yeah, I think everyone knows about that," James replied.
"Well let's just say Damien wants it, blackmail you see," Tom said.
"Um right," James muttered.
"Oh don't worry, he's only going to use it against her. He tried to take the bat back cos it wasn't killing anyone, but she refused and now he's pi****," Tom said.
"Uh huh, whatever," James said.
Tom tilted his head, "are you tied up?"
"Kind of," James replied.
"What do you mean kind of?" Tom questioned.
"Well the last time they captured me, they tied me up properly, I snapped out of it and escaped," James replied. "This time they've used a strange hand cuff thing, it isn't made of metal or anything you can break."
Tom's eyes widened, "you can break metal?"
"Depends on what's around and how thin it is," James replied.
Tom sighed, "ok, I am surprised I am alive."
"Yeah so am I," James muttered.
Tom looked uncomfortable, "ok, um I'll get right onto the plan. Either you or the Doc has to open up a proper commlink and I'll send the virus. It will cause a lot of explosions, so avoid consoles."
"I'll need to be on the bridge, how do I get there? Suggestions?" James questioned.
"Oh I dunno, beat someone up," Tom replied. He then turned pale, "not me."
"Spoil sport," James mumbled.
"Aren't you supposed to be controlling your aggressive tendencies," Tom stuttered.
"Yeah but what are you going to do?" James said.
"Look just wait for the signal," Tom muttered.
"And what is the signal?" James asked.
Jeri was walking around on her own nearby one of the cave openings, happily humming a tune. Sid ran out of the opening, "hey honey, do you want to play a game?"
"Yeah sure, it'll pass the time," Jeri replied.
"Ok, I'll run one way and you run another. Whoever he goes after wins," Sid said. He ran off giggling like a mad man, or a more madder man.
"Who's he?" Jeri asked, she tried to straighten out her hair. "Is he cute?" The lizard thing jumped out and ate her. It cringed and spat her back out. She shook her head to get her bearings back, "nope that's not cute."
The ship shook slightly, Cullah turned to Tactical. "What was that?"
"A ship just appeared out of nowhere and started attacking us," one Kazon replied.
"They're hailing," the Opps Kazon said.
Cullah groaned, "fine, I like to know who I'm blowing up after all."
Seska shook her head, "Cullah, I already know..."
"Shut up woman!" Cullah snapped.
The viewscreen changed to show the FDA's bridge, Damien, Gareth, Justin and Johnny Junior were in sight. "Mwahahaha, prepare to be destroyed," Damien laughed.
Johnny Junior coughed, "aren't you forgetting something?"
Damien's face dropped, "oh right, ok prepare to get your a**** kicked."
"And make it double, I always wanted to say that," Justin giggled. Johnny Junior kicked him in the leg, he fell over and started crying like a baby.
"Ok, who are these freaks?" Cullah asked.
"I was trying to tell you but you told me to shut up," Seska replied.
"Look we're here to take over Voyager, and well give it back to the crew. Crap that doesn't sound very villainous," Damien said.
Cullah laughed, "ha, you think your measly ship can defeat us."
"Ha, yes I think it will. Cloaking device on," Damien ordered. Johnny Junior did as he was told.
"Hang on, I thought you and Voyager were enemies," Seska said.
"We were but then I figured if Fifth Voyager goes, I go... can't have that," Damien said. "Oh and do you know how much a video tape with Janeway killing a stupid furball, and then dunking her head in coffee icecream, is worth? A lot."
"I think I've seen that file somewhere," Seska muttered.
"Ok I'm bored, let's um blow them up, I mean disable them," Damien said.
Gareth meekly put his hand up, "sir, why didn't we just send the virus over while we talked?"
"Virus, what virus?" Seska questioned.
"Oh crap, shut that thing off!" Damien yelled. The screen changed back to default view. The ship shook a few more times.
"Return fire, maybe we can hit that virus," Cullah ordered.
Seska rolled her eyes, "do you know what a virus is?"
Cullah shook his head, "haven't a clue."
Everyone stared as the nearby volcano started to erupt. "Wow, someone's had some chilli," Lee commented.
"No it's cheese you moron, haven't you ever played Monkey Island 3?" Claire said.
"Discuss that later, we better get to a safe distance," Chakotay said.
Suder peeped his head out of the jeffries tube door, everything was clear so he reached out and pressed a pink button on the nearby console.
"Oh no, not again!" one Kazon screamed. Suddenly nearly every screen turned blue, and an error message appeared on every one.
"That's it, get him quickly, he has to be here," another Kazon said. The rest of the Kazons split up and looked around.
the Ready Room:
James was sitting on the desk, trying unsuccessfully to cover one of his ears with his shoulder. Seska's baby was wailing incredibly loudly on the sofa.
A blue screen appeared on Janeway's computer. "Great, this is a stupid plan," James muttered as he tried to key in some commands. The blue screen remained.
The entire crew and the natives were all making their way up another hill, lava was beginning to flood the area.
"Come on, we'd better get to the top!" Chakotay yelled loud enough for everyone to hear.
Jeri suddenly lost her balance, she fell down the side of the hill and landed in the lava. Everyone who was watching cringed.
"That's gotta hurt," Harry commented.
Suder walked over to a station staring blankly, all of the Kazon were now lying either dead or unconscious. He leaned on one of the stations, the blue screen on it went back to normal, a message started flashing. He pressed a button.
In: "Suder can you hear me?"
Suder sighed, "yeah I can."
In: "I can't do what I need to do here, can you transfer outward communications to the Ready Room computer?"
"I think so," Suder replied. He keyed in a few commands. Not far behind him a Kazon was waking up, he took a hold of a phaser he had and he shot Suder in the back with it. Suder started to collapse, he managed to press the last button before he fell onto the ground.
"Sir, communication is being routed to the Ready Room," Opps Kazon said. "Someone's contacting something in the nebula."
Seska stood up, "lock him out."
"I can't," Opps Kazon said.
"Fine," Seska grumbled. She turned and headed into the Ready Room. She immediately heard Tom's voice coming from the computer.
"I'm doing it now," his voice said.
"No," Seska stuttered. She rushed over to the computer, as she did James got back behind the desk. The computer exploded.
"Yes!" Tom exclaimed. He then noticed his screen was fuzzy, "oh crap, the computer blew up too." He keyed in a few commands, "Paris to the FDA ship, the explosion's cut out their shields..."
In: "Duh we've noticed, I've already sent a team over."
The entire room was a state, smoke was everywhere, consoles were off, sparks were flying, all the Kazon were lying on the ground. Cullah was the first to pull himself up. He stumbled into the Ready Room, "Seska!?"
He then saw her lying on the ground with a few burns on her face, the computer on the desk was a black mess. The baby was still screaming his little head off on the sofa. He knelt down nearby Seska, "no."
In: "Engineering to Maj Cullah, we're being boarded."
"Abandon ship," Cullah muttered. He stood back up and headed for the baby, he picked him up and left the room.
"I'm bored," Sid moaned. Everyone nearby stared at him.
The native leader knelt down nearby Samantha and her baby. He placed what looked like a small wet hand towel under the baby's chin, she stopped crying.
"Look look!" Lee yelled as he pointed at the sky.
"Oh great, he hasn't spotted the two moons again, has he?" Jessie muttered.
"That's not a moon," B'Elanna said. Everyone then looked up at the sky, they all saw Voyager coming in for a landing.
"Oh thank god, I need a coffee," Kathryn stuttered. She started to head down the cliff side, Chakotay took her arm to stop her.
Kathryn rushed out of the turbolift, pushed Tom out of the way and ran into her Ready Room.
"I hope she doesn't notice the computer," Tom sheepishly said.
"What the hell happened to my computer!" Kathryn's voice screamed.
"Great work Tom, we owe you one," Harry said, he patted Tom on the shoulder.
"I didn't do it on my own. I had James, Suder, the Doc and er..." Tom said.
Damien got out of the Captains chair, "and me, left the best till last didn't you?"
"And the FDA," Tom finished.
"Wait, James and Suder didn't die," Harry said.
"Nope, which reminds me, I really should find somewhere to hide pretty soon," Tom said. "Actually Suder died trying to save us."
"Well maybe now Janeway will stop trying to figure out who he is," Harry said.
Tom shrugged, "not exactly, there probably will be a memorial service. My god, imagine that."
"Great, now I'll have to think of an excuse that'll get me out of it. Maybe I'll tell her I've broken my leg and it has to be repaired naturally," Harry said.
"So you had fun?" Jessie asked.
James raised his eyebrow, "not really, I nearly got blown up twice."
The Doctor sighed, "yes but you didn't get shot, did you?"
James rubbed his left wrist, "I would rather get shot, those cuffs were really uncomfortable."
Danny was about to say something but Jessie quickly covered her mouth, "don't even think about it, Dan."
The Doctor shuddered as he walked away. James pulled himself off the biobed, "Danny you really need help, why don't you ask the Doc."
Danny laughed, "no thank you."
"Phew it's bad enough having him in my holo hospital," the Doctor muttered to himself.
"I don't get why he was put in charge of stopping me losing my temper, I really don't," James said.
Jessie tried to keep a straight face, "well you can't hurt him I guess."
"It's a shame really," Danny commented.
Everyone were in their usual positions. Kes, Neelix, Tom, B'Elanna, and Ian were standing behind the command chairs.
"I've reset the system, and I've also put a message nearby the pink button. For some reason whenever it is pressed it causes a system crash," B'Elanna said.
"What does it do anyway?" Kes asked.
"Installs Windows ME," Ian replied.
Kathryn sipped her coffee, "so are we ready to go?"
"Well the rest of the repairs will take a while, but yeah we can take off," B'Elanna replied.
"Good, set a course for the Alpha Quadrant," Kathryn ordered.
Danny smiled, "bing bong, this is your helm girl speaking. You're on the stop everywhere flight to Earth, we will arrive in seventy years but you never know, it could be longer. Please fasten seatbelts if you have them, if you dont just hang on tight. I hope you travel with Voyager Express in the future. Bing bong."
"Oh dear god, I'd say throw her in the holodeck with James but I'm not that cruel to him," Jessie commented.
The room was quiet and everyone was content for a while. Tom sighed, "so, what do you think'll happen in the next season?"
"There's another season, son of a b**ch, can I go back to Hannan?" Harry panicked.
"We're at Warp Six, haha," Danny replied with an evil glint in her eye.
"Aaaw man," Harry moaned.
"Suck it up Harry, it's not that bad," Tom said.
Danny was about to say something again, Jessie quickly threw a tricorder at her, it hit off her head. "Owie, I wasn't going to say anything dirty."
"I know," Jessie said.
The room was quiet and everyone was content again. Kathryn jumped onto her feet, "oh just thought of a song parody!"
Harry turned pale, "stop the ship, I want to get off."
"Will this season ever end?" B'Elanna moaned.
"Hmm I've got the urge to go and get stupidly drunk," Neelix said. Everyone's eyes widened in horror.
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