Previous Episode <<  >> Next Episode



Episode Synopsis
The Voyager crew gather in the holodeck to make sense of their recent musical experience.

Episode Written
15th, 25th, 29th - 31st August 2004

Songs Written
between April and August 2004

Episode Based In
May 2372 (late season 2)


Holodeck 2:
A lot of the crew were sitting in an audience circling a small round stage. Six people were standing behind tall computers, while a male hologram stood in the middle holding a pad.

"Hello everyone, welcome to The Stupidest Link, presented by me, Stewart," the hologram bellowed. Everyone clapped loudly. "Now let's introduce the contestants."

Kathryn smiled and waved at the camera, "hello I'm Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager. I haven't had much coffee today so please vote me off straight away."

Craig passed her a funny look, "ookay. I'm Craig, Doc thought that something like this would show me that I'm an idiot, or something like that."

"Hello I'm Neelix," Neelix said grinning. "I cook for a living, plus I'm an ambassador wannabe, guide to the Delta Quadrant and I'm an excellent dancer."

Faye pulled a face while Danny and Tom giggled nearby. "Ok I'm Faye, I have no idea why I'm doing this."

Danny stopped laughing to speak, "I'm Danny, I'm cute but not too smart, but I'm up against these lot so I should win."

"Hi I'm Tom, the most sexiest person here by far," Tom said. Everyone laughed loudly. "I'll ignore that, anyway I'm here cos I called James gay again, and he was in the room. He's tried to kill me once before, I wasn't going to stick around."

"Uh huh, that's great," Stewart muttered. He cleared his throat. "Ok let's begin Round One. Three minutes is how long this'll last, I'll ask as many questions as you idiots can handle. Each correct answer you get money, but if the next person answers incorrectly the money all goes so whenever you can bank it before the question by saying bank, only if it's your turn."

"I don't like that word, what about um, sausages?" Neelix questioned.

Stewart stared blankly, "no, I think bank is good enough. Let's begin." Lights shone on everyone, except the audience. "Janeway, which ship encountered the Borg first?"

"Ooh er, Enterprise, no it was the Enterprise, aah damn prequel series'," Kathryn stuttered.

Stewart shook his head, "oh brother."

Kathryn giggled nervously, "oh yeah, both ships have the same name. Enterprise."

"Correct," Stewart said. "Craig, what is the meaning of the word compulsory?"

Craig looked up at the ceiling, "oh crap I dunno, but the doc says it to me a lot."

"Sorry that's wrong, you lost the money Janeway won," Stewart said. "Neelix."

"Sausages!" Neelix blurted out.

"There's nothing to bank you idiot, and that's not the word!" Stewart snapped. He shook it off, "which story had the characters Hansel and Gretel in it?"

Neelix stared blankly, "Cinderella?"

"Oh dear god," Stewart groaned. "Faye, name the metal that melts at the lowest temperature."

"Do I look like someone who's good at Science?" Faye snapped. "Give me Neelix's one."

"Sorry. Danny, who was prime minister of England in the year 2003?" Stewart asked.

"Some ugly guy?" Danny replied, shrugging.

"I'll accept that," Stewart said. "Tom, which city has the cathedral Notre Dame in it?"

"Oh I know this one," Tom said, panicking a little. "Paris right?"

"Yes congratulations," Stewart muttered. "Janeway, which member of N*Sync was the ugliest?"

"All of them," Kathryn replied.

"I'll accept that. Craig, what's the prime route of forty seven?" Stewart asked.

Half of the round later:
"Um um, I have to guess here Stewart. Is it oranges?" Craig answered, going bright red in the cheeks.

Stewart raised his eyebrow, "orange isn't even a number Mr Anderson."

"I um, forgot the question," Craig stuttered.

Stewart sighed, "moving on. Neelix, what is the capital of Spain?"

"Sausages!" Neelix blurted out.

"No. Faye, what does NYPD stand for?" Stewart asked.

Faye didn't look at all happy, "I don't know, stop giving me the hard ones!"

Loud music interrupted Stewart's response. "Ok um, you idiots have banked nothing," he said whilst shaking his head. "The correct answer Faye, was New York Police Department."

"Well I'm not American, how was I supposed to know that?" Faye pouted.

"Whatever, will everyone vote for the stupidest link. That should be harder than the questions," Stewart said.

"Craig, Neelix, and Faye were the stupidest but we did give Neelix the easiest questions so he's obviously the stupidest of the stupidest. Janeway was the smartest but we did give her easy questions," the computer's voice echoed around the room.

"Damn, I hate that thing," Stewart grumbled. "Ok who is everyone's stupidest link?"

"Tom," Kathryn replied.

"Neelix," Craig replied.

"Sausages! I mean, Janeway," Neelix said, blushing slightly.

"Tom," Faye replied, giving Neelix a funny look.

"Tom," Danny replied, sniggering slightly.

Tom pouted, "Janeway."

"Danny, why are you laughing?" Stewart asked.

"Neelix keeps saying sausages," Danny giggled.

Stewart rolled his eyes, "fine, why Tom?"

"Cos I don't like him, the earlier he leaves the sooner he gets beaten up," Danny replied.

"What is everyone elses reason?" Stewart asked.

"Don't like him," everyone but Tom replied.

"You didn't even vote for him," Stewart said while looking at Craig and Neelix. They shrugged. "Very well, Tom you are the stupidest link, get lost."

"Aaaw man, this wasn't enough time. I'm going to die," Tom moaned. He walked slowly away from his computer. Stewart kicked him in the leg as he passed, he had to limp away. "Oh great, how am I going to be able to run now."

Stewart smiled, "you will all let me know how that turns out, right?"

"I know I will," Danny said, grinning slightly. "That's the only reason I voted for him."

"Good. Let's start the next round. You've only got a minute this time," Stewart said. "The smartest one will begin, that was Janeway but it was Janeway by default so no change there."

"Is that because I'm the Captain?" Kathryn asked.

"No," Stewart shook his head. "Let's begin. Janeway, spell psychologist."

"Why, can't you spell it?" Kathryn questioned.

"Never mind. Craig, who sang the number one record Doctor Jones?" Stewart asked.

"Why do I have that feeling that I should know this, when I don't?" Craig muttered to himself.

"Cos you're an idiot. Faye, what's two plus two?" Stewart asked.

"Four," Faye replied.

"Good. Danny, how long is a..." Stewart started to ask but was interrupted by Danny sniggering. "Scrap that. Janeway, what is the name of the drug that can ease pain?"

"Coffee!" Kathryn blurted out.

"Um no," Stewart muttered. "Craig, name the oldest member of Wham."

"Who?" Craig said, staring blankly.

"Ugh, music's not your strong points," Stewart sighed. "Neelix, name something that can be found in a breakfast dish."

"Sausages!" Neelix replied.

"Hey, that's cheating," Craig pouted.

"Shut up," Stewart muttered. "Faye, spell the word salutatorian."

Faye stared at him with wide eyes, "what the, did you make that up?" She threw her arms up in frustration and stormed out.

The loud music interrupted again. "Ok people, you should remember the word bank. It helps you win the stupid game!" Stewart snapped.

"Oh yeah," everyone said.

"Jeez, just vote already," Stewart muttered.

"Neelix and Faye were the smartest links only because the hosts helped them out, everyone else were the stupidest," the computer's voice echoed around the room.

"Who's your stupidest link?" Stewart asked.

"Danny, she's too dirty," Kathryn replied.

"Neelix, cos he is too," Craig replied.

"Hey!" Neelix moaned. "Sausa... ok I vote for me."

"Janeway, she's too obsessed with coffee and she voted for me," Danny replied.

"Ok Neelix, you are the stupidest link, get lost," Stewart said. Neelix pouted, he headed out. Of course Stewart kicked him to the ground like he did to Tom. "Now cos I'm getting bored I'm going to make this the last round. Also you're too stupid or stoned."

"Um, the stoned guy has already gone," Danny pointed out.

"Whatever. I'm going to ask four questions to everyone, whoever knows it just answer, there are no turns. Whoever gets two right first wins, or whoever gets one point on the last question wins. Ok let's start," Stewart said. "What is a tomato, fruit or vegetable?"

"Fruit," Danny blurted out.

Stewart sighed, "yes, one point. What's four times twelve?"

"Ooh erm, ah..." Craig stuttered, he glanced at Danny.

Kathryn smiled smugly, "forty eight."

"Correct. Name a coffee brand," Stewart said, yawning slightly.

"Nescafé, Kenco, oh Asda!" Kathryn yelled out.

"Don't yell it," Stewart groaned. "Janeway's got two right so she's won."

"Ack, that's not fair. Surely there's something better to do than this crap," Craig moaned. Danny nodded in agreement.

Kathryn grinned, "sore loser."

Two days earlier:
Several crewmembers were walking down the corridors like normal. Strange music started playing from the computer, making everyone stop looking confused. A haunting female voice started whispering over the music, "you're just slaves to the rhythm, rhythm, rhythm."

"Ok, that was weird," one crewmember muttered.

One crewmember started swaying her hips, "um this is not good." Everyone else started to do the same as they formed into a line. Half way down the line one girl stepped out of it, then walked down to join the left side of the line at the end.

Everyone then started to sing, "ooh the music's gonna get us. Ooh, my oh my."

Jessie walked out of her quarters, she stepped in the the gap in the line, totally oblivious to what was going on. She started to sing along too, "I'm looking forward to just one sensible day." She frowned, then she noticed everyone in a formation, dancing weirdly. "But something's odd, everyone's bloody dancing."

Everyone else started to join in with her, "people are being taken by the rhythm, everybody's in the mood, for a song and dance. Song and dance."

Just the crewmembers continued while Jessie just watched them, looking a bit disturbed. "Ooh, the music's gonna get us. Ooh, my oh my."

"Ok, I've had my drink spiked again," Jessie muttered, she walked off.

Meanwhile on another ship that's flying beside Voyager:
A group of people were dancing just like the crewmembers, "they're going to keep on singing, they're going to keep on dancing. There's no end in sight, they're all slaves to the rhythm."

The guys clapped their hands while the girls walked in front of them, conveniently there were equal amounts of girls and boys. "There's no need to fight it," the girls sang, kneeling down.

"Say goodbye to all your secrets," the guys sang, posing stupidly. "It's easier to express things."

The girls jumped to their feet, "there's no end to the rhythm." The music cut off, the entire group laughed madly.

One of the guys stopped, "oh wait, guys."

A girl stopped, "what, what is it?"

"Darna, you infected us too," the guy said.

The girl stared blankly, "oh, son of a bitch!"

Back on Voyager
B'Elanna sighed as she worked at a console, holding a pad in her hands. A crewman walked over to hand her another pad, "Lieutenant, here's the report you asked for."

"Thanks," she sighed.

Nearby a few crewmembers were talking near Ian's console. "Yeah, I walked in and there they were, dancing together in the turbolift. Then they started singing something from Dirty Dancing," one crewmember said.

Ian pulled a face, "why am I annoyed that I missed that?"

"Because it was so funny. That's not all, rumour has it a whole group started singing this weird song in a corridor," another crewmember said.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes while she turned to them, "will you lot stop gossiping and get some work done!"

"Sorry Lieutenant," one crewmember muttered.

She turned back around shaking her head, "god, these people will believe anything."

"We're going to look for those old video cameras Tom put up, there's got to be some footage of it. See you around," one crewmember whispered. He walked away.

Ian glanced at the other crewmember, "so, is this true?"

"Hell yeah, you can't make up stuff like that," the crewmember replied.

B'Elanna sighed again, she put down the padd. Softly she sang to herself, "another day in space, another day is yesterday." A few people looked at her. "Everyone's feeling the strain, cos the journey's just begun."

Harry walked into the room holding a pad, humming the same tune to himself. He then started to sing too, "I know, that'll I'll never get used, to it. So let me out, and out, and out." He walked over to B'Elanna, both obviously not noticing the singing, while everyone turned their heads to watch them.

They both started to sing together, "Voyager, the journey's all we got."

B'Elanna turned to a crewmember, "keep the ship movin', the nacelles aren't up."

Harry joined in again, "voyage home, we don't ever stop. We wanna know how to stop this being so tedious."

He walked away humming, "ooh, oh, ooh, oh." He left the room.

"Ok, there's got to be cameras in Engineering," Ian said.

B'Elanna frowned, "wait, oh god! Was I just." She shuddered, "Ian you're in charge." She rushed out of the room.

Meanwhile Harry was waiting at the turbolift doors just humming, B'Elanna joined him. The doors opened, they rushed into it. B'Elanna glared at him, "Harry."

Harry continued to hum, "ooh oh."

"Ugh," B'Elanna threw her hair back in disgust, "deck five."

The turbolift stopped on the next deck, Lee walked in humming the same tune. B'Elanna groaned, rolling her eyes.

"This is what I wanted, should I smile or frown as well," Lee started singing, glancing at B'Elanna then Harry. "So what if we're stuck here, we're not exactly bored to tears."

Harry stared at him, "some ones, already prefer this, to home. But I want out, and out, and out."

B'Elanna covered her ears as both Lee and Harry sang at the same time. "Voyager, the journey's all we got."

"Keep the ship movin', put the nacelles up," Lee sang on his own.

Harry joined in again, "voyage home, we don't ever stop. We wanna know how to stop this being so tedious."

"Voyager, oooh oh," Lee sang on his own.

He and Harry stood in silence for a while. B'Elanna kept glancing at each of them. Harry turned to her, "so what deck are you going to?"

"Sickbay," B'Elanna muttered through gritted teeth.

"Good," Lee and Harry said, eyes widening slightly.

The Doctor frowned as he looked at a tricorder, "this is incredible. This tricorder is saying that you're suffering from small pox."

Craig stared blankly, "huh?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes, he handed the tricorder to him, "you've done it wrong, again. I don't know how you keep doing that."

"Maybe the teacher's rubbish," Craig muttered, walking over to rest of the teens.

Lisa tried not to laugh as she headed over to the Doctor, she gave him a tricorder. The Doctor frowned, "Lisa, you're in a class with Craig, and other girls."

Lisa looked confused, "so?"

"Then why is your scan show that you're attracted to something?" the Doctor asked.

Lisa's eyes widened, blushing slightly, "I must have scanned wrong." She snatched the tricorder away.

"Hey, was that an insult or something?" Craig muttered.

Lee rushed into the room, "doc, doc!"

"Finally Mr Williams, so glad you can join us," the Doctor said.

"No I," Lee tried to say in between breaths.

Harry and B'Elanna ran in. "Doc, there's something weird going on," Harry blurted out.

"I'm not surprised," the Doctor muttered.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes, "doc, people are singing. It's really creepy."

"Maybe everyone's just in a good mood," Claire said.

B'Elanna stared at her, "I'm not and I did."

Craig tried not to laugh, "you sang something?" She smacked him across the head, he fell to the ground.

"Well his tricorder will say that he's now unconscious and a bigger idiot than usual," Faye said.

"I don't understand," the Doctor said.

"It's simple, we were singing and at first we didn't realise," Lee said.

Harry nodded, "yeah and I was enjoying it too. Afterwards it was like, oh my god."

B'Elanna shook her head, "well I didn't enjoy it."

The Doctor sighed, he picked up another tricorder. "I'll scan you all, but I doubt it's something wrong."

Meanwhile, the Mess Hall:
The room was mildly busy, most of the people there were unknowns sitting at tables. Neelix was in the kitchen mixing up some stuff in a wok. He started shaking his head slowly, "oooh, oh yeah."

Everyone looked up from their food with eyes widening in terror.

Neelix cleared his throat, "oooh, I love to fry, wet people's appetites." He picked up the salt, then started to shake it over the wok. "I've got lots of food. Leek dishes, apple pies, mmmm mmmm."

"We'd better get out of here," one crewmember stuttered.

"I'll fry it up, or microwave it," Neelix sang whilst nodding his head. "It's unhealthy, oh so what. Don't you know that." He started to shake his hips a little, he raised his voice, "some people are born to command, some people fly a ship."

"Aaagghh," several crewmembers ran out of the room.

"Some people are born engineers, some write reports," Neelix sang, clapping his hands. "I cook up everyone's lunch and I like it, like it." He took a spoon to taste what he was making. "Mmm, you enjoy the food, I get the praise." Dropping the spoon into the wok, he climbed onto a pan on the floor. "Go tell your friends about it!"

"Aaaagh, run for your lives!" one crewmember screamed, he ran out of the room.

Neelix pressed a button a little panel in the kitchen, everyone could now hear him over the commlink.

Meanwhile, Sickbay:
"What's that noise?" Faye asked.

In: "Oooh, it's my duty duty."

Harry shrugged, "to give us food poisoning."

In: "Hey, get out of my song!"

"You're an awful cook, get over it," Lee sang. Everyone stared at him.

In: "Hey! It's my duty duty."

The Doctor sighed before singing, "to give me more patients."

The Mess Hall:
Neelix pouted, still he continued singing, "don't let me warn you again."

In: "For god's sake, stop singing."

Neelix jumped down from the pan, he continued what he was doing before. "I'll cook it, cook it, cook it." He moved over to a chopping board. "Oooh, big or small, it gets chopped either way," he wailed while chopping some carrots, they got thrown into the wok but some went on the floor. "I'll mix up everything, into a casserole oh!"

"Oh god, somebody contact Security!" one guy screamed.

Neelix knelt down to pick up the carrots, "mmm, it's very yummy. Fish and Leola root. Leola goes with everything." He stood up to put the carrots he dropped into the wok. "Didn't you know that. Some people are born to command, some people fly a ship."

Tuvok walked in with James, Thompson and Foster behind him, they all, excluding Tuvok put hands over their ears.

"Oh my god, what is that?" Thompson wailed.

"It's worse than Janeway singing, that's for sure," James groaned.

"Some people are born engineers, some write reports," Neelix sang.

"Which is what I'm going to be doing, in say, a few minutes," Tuvok sang, scaring the three guys he was with.

"You en... oh," Neelix stuttered, the music that was there stopped abruptly. "Oh my, I'm sorry."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "interesting." He turned to the others. "Foster, you meet up with the new member of the team. Taylor, Thompson, you two go and patrol Deck One."

"Ohno, why do I get stuck with Dirty Dancing here?" James asked.

Thompson pouted, folding his arms, "that wasn't my fault. Besides what song will you sing, YMCA?"

"What!?" James snapped, glaring at him.

Thompson turned very pale, "oh shhhh!" He ran out of the room.

James groaned, "what do I have to do to be taken seriously around here?" He walked out of the room muttering to himself.

Foster sighed, "so who's the new guy?" Tuvok raised his eyebrow.

The Bridge:
Everything was normal on the bridge. Danny was bothering Jessie at the science station, Kes was nearby them obviously trying to ignore Danny, Tom was flying the ship while trying to eavesdrop on everyone, Harry was at opps looking a little paranoid, Kathryn and Chakotay were in their chairs having a thrilling conversation.

"And then I mixed it with strawberry sauce. It was, mmmm," Kathryn was saying.

Chakotay nodded his head, "yeah." He yawned, "can we talk about something else?"

Kathryn gasped, "something else!?" She stood up, "how could you!" She stormed into her Ready Room.

"Ouch, I'm going to pay for that tonight," Chakotay muttered to himself.

"Danny, shut up," Jessie said, shaking her head.

Danny smiled innocently, "oh come on. I wanna know what you sang."

"Nothing much ok," Jessie said.

Kes sighed, "you really should stop teasing her, or you'll not have anyone to tease ever."

Danny frowned, "well if I stop teasing her, she'll still be around and taunting me cos I can't tease."

Jessie groaned, "you're one disturbed woman."

Chakotay walked passed them as he headed for the Ready Room. He pressed the door chime. "Go away!" Kathryn's voice snapped.

"No cos I want to talk about coffee," Chakotay said, pulling a face.

"Oh really, come in!" Kathryn's voice gasped.

Chakotay walked into the Ready Room. He found Kathryn sitting behind her desk, which had a huge cup sitting on it. "Listen, I know coffee's important to you so I'll just have to deal. Are we cool?"

Kathryn giggled, "no it's really hot." Chakotay stared at her with eyes wider than usual. "No the coffee is, silly."

He laughed nervously, "yeah, I knew that."

"Yes we're cool by the way, you know why?" Kathryn questioned.

Chakotay shrugged, "cos I said I'd listen to your coffee stories?"

Kathryn giggled, "no silly. There's just better things than coffee."

"Wow, did you really just say that?" Chakotay said in disbelief.

Kathryn stood up, "do you really think I'm that shallow?"

"No, but when you're high on coffee," Chakotay stuttered, nervously.

"If you were me," Kathryn sang quietly. She sat on the edge of the desk while a drum beat went around the room. "If you were me, I'd be bottomless. I'd know exactly how much gets you hyperactive by me," she continued to sing.

Chakotay looked confused, "um, that sounds familiar."

She ignored him, "open my jar, breathe in my smell. Come drink me while I'm hot, hush baby you're addictive." She stood up and made her way over to him slowly. "Resistance is futile, I'll drink up all of you cos you're perfect." She brushed his shoulder with her hand as she walked passed him. "I got you, so I'll dissolve you in hot water."

Kathryn started doing a dance around the coffee table, waving her arms around slowly while circling it. "I'll spin you around, add no milk or sugar. You're coffee delicious, a caffeine injected rush."

Chakotay smiled, "oh I get it." He walked over to her dancing area.

"Boy if you were me. You'd know just how good you taste," Kathryn cooed as she made her way over to him.

Chakotay started to sing as he took a hold of her hands, "you'd keep me up all night, fake bitch won't do. The things you can go with, will get the job done too. I'll try you on ice, taste you with 'cream. Hey baby don't overlook the idea of mixing with champagne." He put his arm around her, she placed one of her hands on that arm, and started dancing around the table.

The door that never opens that's next to the main one, opened up, James and Thompson walked in arguing. They noticed Kathryn and Chakotay dancing and Chakotay singing, they just stared at them.

"Ha, you can't insult me now," Thompson whispered.

James nodded, "I know, but it's too hard not to." He glanced at Thompson, "I don't remember this door."

"It's a magic torture door," Thompson said.

"No that's the turbolift door when you and O'Hara are inside," James muttered as he walked out via the other door. Thompson followed not looking happy.

Chakotay raised their hands, Kathryn did a little twirl. "I'll spin you around, add no milk or sugar."

"No no," Kathryn giggled.

"You're coffee delicious, a caffeine injected rush," Chakotay sang.

"Boy if you were me. You'd know just how good you taste," Kathryn sang as they got closer together. They put their arms around each other so they dance close together.

"If you were me you'd know it," Chakotay whispered into her ear.

"Ahem," Tom cleared his throat.

Chakotay and Kathryn pulled away blushing slightly, they slowly turned to the main door. There stood Tom, Jessie, Kes, Harry, James and Thompson, most of them sniggering.

"Chakotay tastes nice does he?" Danny giggled. Everyone looked at her looking disgusted. "What? That's not as disgusting as what I was thinking."

"I can't believe this," Harry said, trying not to laugh.

James shrugged, "told you, none of you would believe me."

"Well it's hard to believe it when Thompson was with you, I thought you might have been covering for him for the Dirty Dancing thing," Tom sniggered.

Thompson glared at no one in particular, "how come everyone knows about that!" He stormed off.

James looked confused, "why would I cover him?"

"Beats me," Tom shrugged. "So guys, should we leave you alone for five minutes?"

Kathryn turned to Chakotay, both of them looked a little annoyed. "Sometimes abortion isn't really that bad," Kathryn whispered. Chakotay tried not to laugh.

Present Day
Holodeck One, the beach resort program:
Several crewmembers had scattered the fake looking resort, most were in groups chatting.

"This place is so fake, and I'm not talking about it being in a holodeck," Harry commented.

"Stop changing the subject, I want to know what happened with Chakotay and Janeway," Neelix said.

"Nothing really, they just got annoyed and called for that meeting," Jessie said.

"Oh and Janeway mentioned something about abortion, she was probably talking about Tom," James said.

Neelix nodded, "yes, he is getting rather fat lately." The others stared at him. "What?"

"Forget it," James groaned.

"Oh, you meant that Tom should have been aborted. I get it," Neelix said, laughing in a weird way. Everyone else developed Pokémon sweatdrops on the side of their heads.

"Sometimes I do prefer those serious and attempted angsty episodes," Jessie muttered. James and Harry agreed by nodding their heads.

"Oh that's so funny," Neelix continued to laugh.

James and Jessie glanced at Harry, he shrugged. "Don't look at me, I didn't do anything."

Tom walked over to the group, "hey guys, hey Neelix."

Neelix grinned, "hey Tommy, thanks for the drink."

Tom winked at Harry, "no problem, ey." He dragged Harry away by the arm.

"Oh I didn't know those two got together," James commented.

Jessie smirked, "it's about time." Neelix couldn't take it any longer, he fell to the ground laughing.

"Quick, tell him some knock knock jokes to get him unconscious," James said.

"I'm crap at those," Jessie muttered. She looked down at Neelix, "oh well he found that comment funny so, knock knock."

Three days earlier
Nearby the transporter room:
Kathryn and Chakotay were walking down the corridor, talking about something other than coffee for once.

"So I was thinking, if we find something to trade we can top up our coffee supplies," Kathryn said.

Chakotay sighed, "ok how long was that?"

Kathryn frowned, "what?"

Chakotay smiled, "nothing."

They turned into the transporter room. Kathryn nodded at the transporter person. "Energise."

"Captain, I was wondering, isn't there a more interesting job than this?" Sid asked, pouting a little.

"Uh, we'll discuss this later, beam up our guests," Kathryn muttered.

"Fine, I just hope this console gives me a shock or something," Sid grumbled. His eyes lit up, "that could happen." He fiddled with the controls.

Five figures rematerialised on the pad. Two of them looked very familiar.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay, "we know these guys right, are we going backwards again?"

"No we're not, but we were a few weeks ago remember?" Chakotay replied.

"That was last season, idiot," Sid muttered.

Kathryn and Chakotay stared at him. "That was a few weeks ago," Kathryn said.

Chakotay looked nervous as he glanced at the guests, "I'm sorry about that." He stepped closer to them. "Welcome aboard Voyager, I'm Commander Chakotay."

The female leader nodded her head, "Darna." She looked down at the four foot man beside her. "This is my um, thing that follows me around. Oh right, servant, that's the word." She turned to the other three. "Mr Geenewell said he wanted to board this ship, I'm not sure..."

Ligod stepped forward, "my reasons will come clear soon enough. Hello Captain, Commander, some weird guy."

Nearby stood Zare, she rolled her eyes, "why do you have to be so dramatic about everything?"

Ligod stared angrily at her, "you're lucky I let you come at all."

"You're lucky you're not dead," Zare grumbled to herself, folding her arms.

The guy behind the two looked nervous, "um, we're here cos you're heading in the same direction as we want to be, and Mr Geenewell wants to check on the other Slayer."

"I told you, we're going the same way for a few days, Mr Geenewell," Darna said.

Ligod stepped off the pad, "yes well, I do need to check on the other, old friend of mine." He glared at the guy who was behind him, he cowered a little.

Kathryn turned to Chakotay, "I still don't know who these people are."

Chakotay groaned, "Ligod is that annoying watcher who sent James, Jessie and Tom on that suicide mission. The girl is Zare, she went with them."

"Annoying? How rude," Ligod snapped.

Kathryn laughed nervously, "oh yes I remember."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to start the trade negotiations," Darna said, looking uncomfortable.

"Yes, of course. Sid, you take Zare, that watcher guy and his friend to seperate quarters," Kathryn commanded. "This way please." She and Chakotay lead Darna and her little guy out of the room.

"Oh goodie," Sid giggled, he rushed over to the others. "So, are you guys wanted criminals or anything dangerous?"

Present day
The Holodeck resort:
"Then that strange guy who likes getting hurt, lead us to quarters," Zare said, fiddling with a drink she had.

"Yeah yeah whatever. You're a Slayer thing, can you punch something?" Lee asked, looking bored.

Zare shrugged, "sure." She only needed to smack him gently to knock him off his chair, and onto the ground. She got out of her own chair, and walked away.

Nearby a new stage, Tom walked over to a holographic DJ. "Are you ready then?"

"Yes, I've been ready for ages," the DJ muttered.

"Oh well it is hard to convince people to embarrass themselves you know," Tom said. He stepped onto the stage holding a microphone. "Good evening Voyager." Everyone turned to him, but all that could be heard were crickets chirping.

Neelix tried to climb onto his feet, yes he was still on the ground. "Those creatures again, I've got to catch them to make those crunchy snack bars."

Still nearby, Jessie panicked, "um um, why did Tom cross the road?"

Neelix shrugged, "I dunno, why?"

Jessie glanced at James, "I thought that alone would crack him up again."

"Um cos he um," James stuttered, trying desperately to think of a punchline. "Cos he heard about the Barbie sale at Toys R Us." As he was still totally hammered, Neelix burst out laughing.

Tom obviously had heard the joke as he was blushing madly, "you shouldn't know about that Barbie thing until Season Four. I demand continuity!" Everyone tried not to laugh, he had just yelled down the microphone. "Crap."

The DJ smirked, "it's not that hard to convince people after all."

Tom tried to stop blushing, "ok that's fine, if we're being all Season Four, I've got tones of stuff in theory..."

Kathryn, who was originally asleep on the table, woke up startled, "get off my coffee you arsehole!"

Chakotay looked at her, "um, who was stealing your coffee?"

"Oh it was just a dream," Kathryn sighed. "Some guy said he'd borrow it."

"We're only allowed to know little things, of course the little things always lead to my humiliation, not anyone else," Tom grumbled, ignoring Kathryn. He cleared his throat. "Right, tonight is karoake night." Everyone groaned. "Yes I know we've just recovered from a lot of singing, but I thought that this get together will be very interesting if some of us re sing some of their songs. Or maybe sing ones they have in mind now."

The crickets continued to chirp loudly, luckily Neelix was still too busy laughing at the bad Barbie joke to care.

"But first, I think we should get the main star of the musical up here; Jessie," Tom said.

Jessie looked confused, "how am I the star?"

"Rumours say you were the one that made everyone sing," Tom replied.

Mostly everyone turned their heads to look at Jessie. The only exceptions were Neelix who was still laughing, James who was giving Neelix a funny look and wasn't paying attention, and Sid who was fiddling with the holodeck controls.

Jessie looked a little uncomfortable. "Well it was the alien leaders fault, she did it. She just used me as a puppet."

Tom nodded, "uh huh, tell us about it. We need to get some more volunteers before we begin."

"Do I have to?" Jessie moaned, looking more embarrassed than anything else.

"I wonder what would happen if I told him an actual joke," James muttered, still looking at Neelix.

Sid giggled nearby, "there we go, sharks in the ocean, safeties off." He turned around. "Ok people, don't go in the ocean until I say so, see ya!" He rushed towards the beach.

Tom stared blankly, "um, yeah you have to. This episode is already getting a little long, so make it brief."

Jessie groaned, "ok it all started when Ligod and um, the other one, came aboard along with the aliens..."



Previous Episode <<  >> Next Part