While Voyager travels through a nebula, Tom and a few others make a new TV show to entertain the crew.
Marill as herself
Raichu as herself
Desmond Harrington as Damien
The Devil as Himself (well, not really)
Marill & Raichu
3rd May 2001
16th January 2005
August 2376 (very late season 6)
Kiara and Naomi ran in giggling uncontrollably. They pressed a couple of commands on a console and they ran straight back out. The Doctor activated himself, he noticed straight away that he was in a rabbit suit.
"Damn, I wish I would encrypt my program," the Doctor muttered. Damien appeared.
"Finally, I have found the ultimate rabbit. Come with me," he said. The Doctor groaned.
"I thought you were killed in the last episode," the Doctor said.
"Nobody can kill me, not even a prehensile Pokémon," Damien said evilly. For some strange reason the Devil appeared.
"Time is up," he said in a deep voice.
"Drat, I'll be back!" Damien snapped. He and the Devil disappeared. The Doctor picked up his mobile emitter and he walked out of the room.
"Maybe I should go to find B'Elanna," the Doctor muttered to himself. He heard a familiar scream.
"A rabbit! James, kill it!" Jessie screamed.
"Don't be stupid crewman, it's only me," the Doctor said. James and Jessie stared blankly at him, they burst out laughing.
"Nice costume, Doc!" James laughed.
"Yeah, is there a fancy dress party we haven't been told about?" Jessie laughed.
"Haha, very funny joke. Now change me back, you've had your fun," the Doctor said grimly.
"I'd love to take all the credit but I didn't do it," James said.
"Neither did I, I hate rabbits," Jessie said.
"Then who did?" the Doctor asked. They saw Kiara and Naomi giggling their heads off just around the corner.
"Does that answer your question?" Jessie muttered.
"That doesn't prove that they did anything, they're probably just laughing at you," James said. Kiara and Naomi noticed the Doctor looking their way and they ran off.
"Oh well, gotta go, Doc," Jessie said.
"Yeah, we're going to the Mess Hall, I'll pick up a carrot for you," James said. The pair walked off down the corridor laughing their heads off.
The Mess Hall:
"What have we got so far?" Tom asked as he sipped his coffee.
"The Chat show you're hosting, the gossip thing that B'Elanna's planning and my news show," Harry replied as he looked at a pad.
"That's dull, we need more," Tom moaned and he put his empty cup onto the table.
"Yeah, music would be good," B'Elanna said.
Morgan, Craig and Lilly were fiddling with a Goodmans CD Player.
Lilly put a blue CD in and she pressed the play button. The song
'Dreams' by Alysha came on. Jessie and James entered the room at that
moment. They walked up to them.
"Hi, you would never guess what we just saw," Jessie said.
"Tuvok kissing Seven?" Lilly asked. Everyone felt sick.
"No, the Doctor in a rabbit suit," James replied. Morgan and Craig burst out laughing.
"You don't say? We dared Kiara to do it and I'm actually surprised that she's actually done it," Morgan said.
"Well she definitely has," James said.
"What are you doing?" Jessie asked.
"We were bored so we thought we could torture everyone in here by singing to this song," Lilly replied.
"You call that torture?" Jessie muttered.
"I'll show ya torture," James said. He paused the CD and he put it on track eight.
"Uhoh, that's the track with Pokémon World on," Craig muttered.
"You're point is?" James asked.
"He's right, lets get on with it," Morgan said. 'Pokémon World Y2K' by Youngstown & Nobody's Angel started. Everyone groaned when they heard the music.
The group started singing along to it very loudly. They all stopped when the Doctor, complete with rabbit suit, walked in. Everyone burst out laughing. The music continued to play by itself. The Doctor didn't look at all amused.
"Who did this to me?" he asked angrily. This was followed by the volume of laughter increasing. He stormed out of the room.
Harry and B'Elanna stopped laughing long enough to walk over to the
five that were singing just before.
"Hi guys, nice singing," Tom said.
"So much for torture," Lilly muttered.
"You being nice must have a catch," Jessie muttered.
"That's right, we want you to sing as a band in our new TV show," Tom said.
"What? All of us?" Morgan asked.
"Yeah, you can make your own songs up or use other people's songs," Tom said.
"You can also make up a name for your band," Harry said. The five huddled together and they whispered for a couple of seconds.
"PokéBall is at your service," Morgan said.
"PokéBall?" B'Elanna muttered.
"That's the name of the band," Craig said.
"Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?" B'Elanna muttered.
"You won't, this'll be fun. Oh by the way, do you guys have any ideas for the show?" Tom asked.
"Well actually, have any of you heard of a show called SMTV Live?" Lilly asked.
Ten minutes later:
"What have we got so far?" B'Elanna asked.
"The Tom Paris Show, B'Elanna's Gossip Corner, Harry's Voyager News, PokéBall's Jukebox, The Poké Fight, The Disgusting Objects Show aka The Post Bag, Pals, An episode of Pokémon and Main Cast Strip Search," Tom replied happily as he looked at his pad.
"I think that's everything," Harry said.
"No it isn't, we need to work out which songs to sing and how many and we have to work out which episode of Pokémon to show," Morgan said.
"Three songs per episode, Morgan. You guys get to decide which songs you want. We'll put a viewers choice thing on for the Pokémon episodes," Tom said.
"Fine, lets just hope this show goes well," B'Elanna said.
"Lastly, why are you three doing this show?" Morgan asked.
"Just look outside, it's dull and boring out there. The crew need entertaining," Tom replied. PokéBall looked outside, the ship was still inside the boring old nebula that they'd been passing through for days.
"I think we should start programming the sets on the holodeck," Lilly said. Everyone nodded and they rushed out of the room.
Captains Log Stardate: 54019.6 - Tom, Harry, B'Elanna, Morgan and a few others have set up a TV show to replace Neelix's show. The show is called VTV Live and it will be on tonight at 0800.
Nearly everyone on the ship were rushing somewhere with a good view of a screen. On each screen some strange animation and music started, the animation formed into a title: VTV Live. The picture shifted to the mess hall where a few of the main characters and a lot of guest stars were sitting in the audience behind Tom and Harry.
"Hello everyone and welcome to the first ever episode of VTV Live, hosted by me, Tom," Tom said loudly over the cheering.
"And me, Harry," Harry said loudly.
"And now Morgan and B'Elanna will tell you what's coming on tonights show," Tom said. The camera shifted over to Morgan and B'Elanna who were dressed casually.
"We've got a big show for you tonight and there's something for everyone, isn't that right Morgan?" B'Elanna said. Morgan grinned in agreement.
"Firstly we've got something for you Pokémon fans out there, there are five episodes on todays list and you, the viewers, can contact B'Elanna to tell her which episode you want showing today," Morgan said.
"And today's episodes are: Pokémon Shipwreck, Holy Matrimony, Pikachu Revolts, Charizard Chills & Flower Power. If you don't know what those episodes are about contact our resident Pokémon expert, Tani, for episode reviews," B'Elanna said.
"Now to tell you what today's episode is going to contain. People send in disgusting things into us so Tom can eat em. Characters in Pokémon, acted out by us, fight for some stupid reason with some stupid Pokémon. Todays mystery episode will be shown," Morgan said.
"Our new band sing a song for us in The Jukebox. We catch up on the latest gossip with me. Harry gives us the jist of what's going on on Voyager in Voyager News," B'Elanna said.
"People yell at each other and swear at the presenter in The Tom Paris Show. There will be some brainwashing going on in our Friends skit, Pals. Another song from out new band," Morgan said.
"We'll finish off this episode with a quick strip search of two main characters and then one more song from our pop band," B'Elanna said.
"And now, it's back over to the boys," Morgan said. The camera moved over to Tom and Harry.
"Great show tonight, isn't that right Voyager!" Tom yelled. Everyone in the room cheered in agreement.
"But now it's time for The Postbag!" Harry yelled.
camera swapped to another camera in the holodeck. Tom, Harry, Morgan
& B'Elanna ran into camera view. They'd obviously beamed over to
the holodeck. They sat on a long sofa that was in the holodeck
simulation of a studio. Harry picked up a large bag.
"I'll go first," Morgan said. She reached into the bag and she pulled out a pad with a little bag attached to it. "It says: I was drinking Cherry Coke one time and I noticed something floating in it. I realised it was my chewing gum, I thought I'd send it in. P.S. EAT IT!"
The holographic audience chanted: "EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!"
"But it's been in someone else's mouth," Tom moaned. Harry picked it up and he forced it into Tom's mouth. He spat it straight back out. Everyone cheered and laughed at him.
"My turn," B'Elanna said. She reached inside the bag and she pulled another pad and bag out. "It says: I was eating some of Neelix's Leola Root Stew and I found an enormous piece of uncut Leola Root inside the stew, so I sent it in."
"Ohno," Tom moaned.
"EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!" the audience chanted as B'Elanna carefully took a huge piece of Leola Root out of the bag. Harry somehow had a handy fork with him. He stuck the fork into the Leola Root and he pushed the fork towards Tom. B'Elanna held him down as Harry stuffed the Leola Root into Tom's mouth. Morgan tried not to look, she suddenly felt really sick.
"Okay everyone, it's time for the Poké Fight, but first lets see one of Tom's Home Videos," Harry said. The camera view changed.
It was on the Bridge. Emma walked in very oddly. She walked straight over to Kathryn. "You know what really p***es me off about you? You're stupid croaky voice," Emma said in a slurry voice. "It's always 'Do this' 'Do that' and 'Chakotay report to my quarters,' it bloody gets on my f*****ng nerves, oh and Chakotay is mine. Hi Chakotay, you're f****ng gorgeous!" Emma said in her slurry voice.
and Chakotay stood up and Chakotay tried to drag Emma out of the
Bridge. "Ooh, he's touching me."
"Take her to the Brig," Kathryn said.
"Janeway, you b**ch! There's no Cherry Coke in the Brig! Plus it's boring. Oooh, Tom's over there and.. hey he's got this cool thing on his head," Emma said. Kathryn walked towards the camera.
"Tom, why have you got a camera on your head?" Kathryn asked.
"Er.. it's the latest fashion," Tom's voice replied.
walked over to the camera and his entire face blocked out the camera
as he got closer to it.
"Cool, do you think I could wear something like that?" he asked.
"Nah, it's not you. Pink frilly things is more you," Tom's voice said.
"Haha, very funny Tom," James muttered. Jessie walked over.
"Ohno, here comes the witch," Tom's voice muttered. Jessie obviously hadn't heard what Tom had said. She snatched a trading card off James, he snatched it back.
"That's mine!" he snapped.
"No, it's mine!" Jessie yelled. She then wrestled him to the floor. The camera moves down to see Jessie on top of James, trying to take the trading card away from him.
"Ah, here's some action. Look carefully audience, they appear to be fighting for a mere Pikachu trading card but instead this is just a alibi so they can just get close to each other," Tom's voice said.
and Jessie stopped fighting and stared at the camera, their faces
were bright red.
"YOU DON'T KNOW A THING!" they both yelled. Suddenly two fists hit the camera and it went fuzzy.
The holographic audience cheered as the video switched off and then the camera returned to the studio in the holodeck. Nobody was there. Suddenly Morgan jumped in front of the camera with denim shorts, yellow tank top, red braces and white trainers on. She also had a dodgy orange wig on her head.
"Hello, I'm Mmmiisssstttty!" she said in a screechy voice. If you don't know what she said her name was, it was Misty.
and James rushed into the studio with Team Rocket outfits on. Jessie
had a long red wig on her head and James had a blue wig on his head.
"Oh, it's the wrestlers!" Morgan screeched.
"Oh shut up, I had to capture that Pikachu," Jessie growled.
"Yeah, we weren't doing anything else. Speaking of which where is Pikachu and the other twerps?" James asked in a deep but goofy accent. And no, that's not his normal voice.
Tom and Craig ran into the studio. Tom was now wearing light blue
jeans, white trainers, black t-shirt, blue jacket and a stupid cap.
He also had a dodgy black wig under the cap. Craig was wearing
horrible brown trousers, a dodgy jacket, an orange t-shirt and
trainers. He had a dodgy brown wig on his head.
"Ohno, it's Team Rocket again!" Tom moaned in a scrawny annoying voice.
"Yeah, Ash, did ya see that video with them in?" Craig asked in a raspy voice.
"I sure did. So, who got the Pikachu Trading Card?" Tom asked.
"He did," Jessie muttered. James just grinned.
"So that little wrestling match was for nothing or did you enjoy how close you were to each other?" Morgan asked in her screechy voice.
"How dare you!" Jessie yelled.
"Yeah, we challenge you to a match," James said.
"Count me in too, for I am Ash, a Pokémon Master, and Misty is my Master Girlfriend," Tom said. Craig sulked.
"I wish I had a girlfriend," Craig said.
"For our first Pokémon we choose the Bush CD Player," Jessie said. James brought out the dreaded Bush CD Player that the whole writing gang feared. The pair turned to the audience.
"This is a truly evil Pokémon. You put CD's in it and it scans the CD for ages," James whispered to the audience.
"Hey, Misty, Ash, how would you like to listen to some music," Jessie said sweetly.
"Oh we'd love too," Morgan replied.
put a CD into the CD Player. It started to make the sound that it
does when it's scanning the CD. A little card saying ten minutes
later, covers the camera. It moves away and Morgan and Tom are going
insane because the CD Player hasn't loaded yet. Suddenly Morgan
kicked it and it blew up.
"Wooh! Critical hit!" James yelled. He hifived Jessie.
"For revenge we choose for our Pokémon, Rabbit Attack!" Morgan yelled. Tom turned to the audience.
"This Pokémon is very powerful against Team Rocket because they despise rabbits," Tom whispered. Suddenly a horde of toy rabbits were thrown at Jessie and James. Jessie screamed. Morgan and Tom laughed at them.
"Now we have the ultimate Pokémon, one that all people fear," James whispered to the audience.
"We choose The Fat Man!" Jessie yelled.
the holodeck started shaking. Jessie and James put gas masks on.
Tom, Morgan and Craig gaped in horror when they saw who was coming
into the set. The Fat Man tried to walk through the door but he got
stuck again. There was this disgusting noise and a horrific stench
came towards Morgan, Tom and Craig. They tried to hold their noses
but the smell just came straight through. They ran off the set,
screaming. Jessie and James cheered.
"Okay, it's time for Pokémon," Jessie said. The screen changed to show the opening theme tune, Pokémon World.
Meanwhile, deck three:
Marill and Raichu were standing next to a console watching the show. They both had a packet of crisps. Raichu had Beef flavoured Hoola Hoops and Marill had some Cheetos. Marill reached inside her packet to get a crisp. She was about to put it in her mouth when she saw that a Pokémon Tazo was in her hand. She started jumping up and down in joy.
"What's wrong with you, it's only Pikachu Revolts, you've seen it tonnes of times," Raichu muttered as she stared into the screen.
"No, look, it's a Marill! I've finally got my own Marill!" Marill yelled. Raichu managed to tear herself away from the screen.
"Let me have a look," Raichu said. Marill opened the little plastic cover and she pulled out the Tazo. Raichu snatched it off her quickly.
"Hey! That's mine!" Marill yelled.
"Yeah, I know. I just wanted to look at it," Raichu muttered. She gave it back after she had fiddled with it for a couple of seconds. Marill put it in her pocket.
"This Tazo could be my trademark, ya know. I'm Marill and so is the Tazo," Marill muttered.
"Yeah, I'll just say I wasn't involved when you get sued for violating copyright," Raichu replied as she continued to watch the screen.
"Oh shut up," Marill groaned.
Twenty minutes later:
The camera switched over from the Pokémon credits to the holodeck again. The program had been changed again, it was a giant stage surrounded by a large holographic audience. Five figures were standing on the stage. The camera couldn't see who they were because the lighting was dimmed.
The song 'Double Trouble' by Eric Stuart & Rachael Lillis came on, the group, which was PokéBall started to do a dodgy dance routine while singing along..
This time everyone was in another studio programme. The audience was cheering and chanting.
"Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy," the audience chanted. Tom was on the stage holding a microphone. Kathryn and Chakotay was sitting on the chairs that were on the stage.
"And what do other people think about this bizarre situation?" Tom asked the audience. Everyone cheered in agreement. "Captain, you said you had a plan that'll help Craig get over his girl chasing problem," Tom said.
"That's correct, Mr Paris. Chakotay and I believe that Craig's problem is that he's never had a girlfriend in his whole life, so we thought if we could get him one he'll stop chasing after innocent girls," Kathryn replied.
"Who do you think would be perfect for him?" Tom asked.
"The girl doesn't have to be a proper girlfriend. All she has to do is pretend that she wants to go out with him and then we'll see what happens from there," Chakotay said.
"It appears that the Captain has already chosen a couple of girls who have volunteered to get Craig to stop chasing after poor girls. Probably most of them are desperate to get him to stop chasing them. Anyway lets meet our three girls," Tom said.
doors that lead into the studio opened and three girls walked up to
the stage. One girl was a guest star and the other two were Morgan
and Tani. They sat down near Kathryn and Chakotay.
"Hayley, please tell the audience why you volunteered," Tom said.
"Well I kinda feel sorry for him and.. " Hayley replied.
"Woah there, that sentence was getting far too long for a guest star. Tani, why did you volunteer?" Tom asked.
"I just want to stop him from chasing after me. I'll do anything to stop him from chasing me," Tani replied.
"She's lying, she just wants to get a boyfriend so James gets jealous, like that'll ever happen," Morgan muttered.
"Which one, Tani getting a boyfriend or James getting jealous of Craig?" Tom asked.
"Both really," Morgan replied. Tani nearly exploded in rage.
"I can get a boyfriend!" Tani snapped.
"Then how come you're here? Can't you get a boyfriend the normal way or do you have to trick other lads," Morgan sneered. Tani quickly got off her chair.
"Why are you here then!" Tani yelled back. Morgan stood up to face her.
"Because I'm sick of people like you, using him to get to other lads and I'm sick of people who insult him just because he wants a girlfriend. It's not his fault that nobody likes him!" Morgan yelled. Tom stood in between them.
"Now girls, break it up," Tom said calmly. Morgan and Tani sat down in their chairs. "Now, lets summarise. Hayley is here cos she's sad, Tani's here cos she wants to make James jealous even though he acts gay.."
"I heard that! You're a dead man," James's voice said over the intercom.
"Uhoh. Er and Morgan's here cos she's also sad, only sad girls feel sorry for people like Craig. Now lets meet Craig.. again," Tom said.
walked up to the stage. He sat down next to Morgan.
"Now you know why you are here, don't you?" Tom asked.
"Yeah," Craig replied.
"Which one of these three girls would you choose to go on a date with. Hayley, the guest star who'll just disappear at the end of the episode? Tani, who obviously has got it bad for James? Or Morgan, who is probably the only person on the crew that really thinks of you as a friend?" Tom asked.
"I can't have Tani, I heard what Morgan said before," Craig replied.
"Drat, so much for plan A. Now to think of a plan B," Tani muttered and she left the studio.
"Hayley is nice but she'll probably disappear after this episode," Craig said.
"No doubt about it. I'm guest starring in Stargate SG1 in five minutes," Hayley said.
"I choose Morgan coz she's really nice to me, unlike other people," Craig said.
"Oh, match made in heaven," Tom said. Everyone on the stage, except Tom, left the studio. "And now for my final thought. We all have to have some kind of companionship, whether it's a girlfriend or a boyfriend, or even maybe a pet. So if you're alone now, go out there and find yourself a companion. Oh and P.S Craig doesn't know that this is a plan to stop him drooling over other lasses. So until next time, take care of yourself and others," Tom said.
The original Studio:
"And now it's time for Pals!" B'Elanna yelled. The intro came on as the holodeck changed programmes. Thirty seconds later the intro stopped and the camera started rolling on the new set: a flat.
"Pals is sponsored by Cherry Coke, the most addictive thing in Fifth Voyager. It even gets you saying Cherry Coke when you're suppose to say something Cherry Coke."
Tom walked into the set, everyone notices that he has a black eye, but B'Elanna pretends not to notice.
"Hi B'Elanna, I hope you don't mind me watching Cherry Coke, it's a great Cherry Coke program," Tom said.
"Of course not, Cherry Tom, I wouldn't mind watching something Coke," B'Elanna replied. Tom sat down on the sofa next to her. The TV switched on, it was actually Coronation Street.
"Did you know that Cherry was attacked by Coke. He was arrested by the Cherry Coke?" Tom asked.
"Really? I must of missed that Coke," B'Elanna replied.
"By the way, do you realise that nobody else is here in the flat, B'Elanna," Tom asked.
"Yes I do Cherry Tom," B'Elanna replied. Some cheesy music starts.
"Me and B'Elanna all alone in the Cherry. I feel as though, I'm going to Coke her," Tom said as he faced the camera.
"Coke me, you Cherry Coke," B'Elanna said. The two were about to coke, er I mean kiss when Harry and Morgan walked into the flat.
"Hi everyone," Harry said.
"Did you say Cherry Coke?" Morgan asked. She rushed into the kitchen.
"You know that weird disease that people get if they drink Cherry Coke, well they've found a cure. Two Doctors are coming over to cure Morgan," Harry said.
"That's great Cherry, it'll be Coke if we can talk proper Cherry again," Tom said.
"Ohno, you haven't drank any of Morgan's Cherry Coke have you. You know that stuff makes you say it's name all the time so you have to get more," Harry said.
"Cherry, Cherry, what makes you think such a coke?" B'Elanna asked as she stood up. Tom stood up as well.
"Well for one thing I'm not called Cherry, secondly I can hear Morgan crying because you've drank all the Cherry Coke," Harry said.
"It's all gone," everyone heard Morgan cry from the kitchen.
was a knock on the door. Harry answered it. Jessie and James, who
were dressed in doctor clothes walked into the room.
"Hi, we're from the team that causes trouble," Jessie said.
"I hope you're insured because we make it double," James said.
"Geordie Doctors blast off at the speed of light," Jessie said.
"Surrender now because we're not making any more house calls," James said.
"I take it you're the Doctor's who have the cure for Cherry Coke Syndrome?" Harry asked.
"You assume correctly," Jessie replied.
"Where are the suckers.. er patients?" James asked. Morgan ran into the room. She got on her knees in front of Jessie and James.
"Please tell me you have Cherry Coke, if not I'll go and hang myself now," Morgan asked.
"Hmm, the will to commit suicide. That's the final symptom," Jessie said.
"She'll be dead by tomorrow," James said.
"But you said you had a cure," Harry said.
"Not in her case, once the will to commit suicide has infected her she will do it," Jessie said.
"That's Coke! If you cure her she'll have nothing to Cherry suicide about!" B'Elanna yelled.
"Hmm, misplacing words with the Cherry and/or Coke. She's in stage two, she's treatable," James said.
"What do you do to cherry us?" Tom asked.
"We must give you the most vile pop in the world, something that's incredibly addictive but cheap," Jessie said. Everyone gasps in astonishment.
"It block out the disease and you won't be addicted to either of the two pops," James said.
"What pop is that?" Harry asked.
"Smartprice's Orange Juice," Jessie replied. Everyone gasped in horror.
"It's very cheap but it's very addictive. It makes people want to buy it," James said.
"But it's not as dangerous as Cherry Coke since it's cheaper and it doesn't make people want to commit suicide when they're without it," Jessie said. Tani ran in and she made her way to the kitchen.
"AAAAGGGHHHH! Why does nobody have Smartprice's Orange Juice!" she screamed.
"That's the problem with it, not many people get it because it's the cheap chat stuff," James said. Tani ran back into the room.
"I'm begging you all, please tell me there is an Asda near by so I can get some Smartprice Orange Juice," she said.
"There's one Cherry by the bus station," Tom replied.
"Huh? That made sense, oh well I'd better go," Tani said and she shot out of the room.
"Unfortunately for her, we have about two cartons so we can cure you. Too bad she's not getting any," James said. He opened a carton and he poured all three a glass of the orange juice. They all drank it.
"Aaah, another lot cured from the money grabbing hands of the Coca Cola company, lets go," Jessie said. She and James left the flat.
"That's not that Orange," Morgan said.
"Hmm, it is very Smartprice," Tom said.
"Come on lets get to Asda and get Orange more," B'Elanna said. They ran out of the room to go to Asda.
"Oh great," Harry muttered.
Just outside Jessie and James were giggling. Suddenly their clothes changed to Asda uniforms. "It looks like Team Asda is conning off again," they both said as they shot off down the corridor. Suddenly everything froze.
"Will Morgan, Tom and B'Elanna ever get cured from the addictiveness of branded drinks? Will the gang ever find out about the Doctor's being Asda sales people? Will Tani ever get some more Smartprice Orange Juice? Answers to none of these questions will be revealed next time on Pals," a voice said.
The credits started.
Episode | Next