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Death Wish

Episode Synopsis
A Q requests an asylum on Voyager, meanwhile an awayteam reaches New Earth to find that things aren't what they seem.

19th - 21st August 2003

Edited for Reboot
30th October 2012

Episode Based In
January 2372 (mid season 2)


The Bridge:
"Oooh, pretty blobby swirly thing," Tom said in awe.

"Tom, we haven't put it on the viewscreen yet," Harry muttered.

Tom shook his head, "no it's not the comet, I'm just drunk." He collapsed, landing on Danny's lap. She pushed him onto the floor looking disgusted.

Kathryn came out of her Ready Room looking determined, "ok people, what's going on today?"

"We found a weird comet thingy. Supposedly it's got something to do with the episode, which is based on an original episode the writer watches less than Season One itself. Oh and Tom's drunk," Chakotay replied.

Kathryn's face dropped, "damn, ever since Starships Cannot Run this series has gone downhill."

"And it started out so well too," Danny sighed.

"Oh please people, every episode of Fifth Voyager is a different size. The series is about quality, not quantity," Harry said.

The room became silent, the tumbleweed blew passed the screen with a sign saying 'on strike' stuck in it.

"Oh yeah, explain Hunters," Jessie said finally.

"Nobody can Jess," Danny muttered.

Tuvok managed to look annoyed, "let's sort this out. Number one, the series has not gone downhill. Whenever Fifth Voyager air episodes that are meant to be just 'funny', they turn out to be shorter than the more important and 'serious' episodes. Number two, Hunters was the fourth episode released, of course it was rubbish. Number three, we are the characters, we are not meant to be talking about it."

Everyone stared at Tuvok with bemused expressions on their faces. "Well, I'm so glad that's sorted," Chakotay said.

"Yes so am I, so what's up with this comet?" Kathryn asked.

"Well that was what I was trying to help you out with, before you started off the whole 'the series is going downhill' conversation," Chakotay replied.

Kathryn blinked a few times, "ok, what's the tip?"

"We have no idea what's up with the comet because the writer hasn't watched the episode very much. You know the old 'if the writer doesn't know, we don't know' rule," Chakotay replied.

"Oh and her copy of the episode had the beginning missing slightly," Danny commented.

"Thank you Danny," Chakotay muttered.

"So what do we do?" Kathryn asked.

"I suggest we beam aboard a sample of the comet," Tuvok replied.

Danny turned around, "ooh are we low on water supplies or something?"

"No I don't think that problem was ever mentioned," Chakotay replied.

"Besides nobody drinks water anymore," Jessie said.

Kathryn finally burst into tears, she ran into the Ready Room.

"Jessie, water is used to make coffee and she's not allowed any remember?" Chakotay said.

"Oh yeah, oops," Jessie said sheepishly.

"Come to think of it, isn't water in every drink?" Harry said.

"That's enough out of you Kimmy," Jessie snapped.

Transporter Room:
B'Elanna rushed through the door, she pushed an unknown crewmember out of the way. After fiddling with the station she tapped her commbadge, "Torres to Bridge, I'm ready to transport a sample of the comet for god only knows why."

In: "Ok do it."

A figure rematerialised on the platform. The guy looked around the room looking happy, and a bit crazy. "I'm free, dude!"

B'Elanna stared blankly at the new arrival, "ookay."

The guy stared at B'Elanna. "You freed me, I'm so very thank..." he tripped down the steps and got his foot trapped in a rat trap, mid sentence of course. "Dang it."

"Since when do we have rat traps?" B'Elanna said to the unknown crewmember.

Meanwhile, the Mess Hall:
Lisa and Ian were busy having lunch at one of the tables. They jumped as a snapping noise came from underneath the table.

Neelix rushed over to the table, "ooh goodie, a trap finally caught it." He knelt down, then climbed under the table. He emerged with what looked like a really big rat. "Don't worry people, supper tonight is not cancelled anymore!" He rushed back over to the kitchen.

Everyone in the room turned pale, several of them shuffled out of the room.

Transporter Room:
"How ever can I thank you for freeing me?" the guy said, shaking B'Elanna's hand madly.

"Um, you could give me a second for starters," B'Elanna replied. She tapped her commbadge, "Bridge, the transport brought a man aboard. He says his name is Q."

In: "Son of a bitch, just when I master annoying the Captain, someone better comes along."

In: "Tom, please god go to Sickbay, you stink."

In: "Hey I just got that. B'Elanna keep him occupied, I'm on my way."

"Don't bother Captain, let me take you to lunch instead," Q said cheerfully. He disappeared.

The Mess Hall:
Kathryn and the Q appeared in the middle of the room, he started shaking her hand. "Thank you Captain, am I doing this right? It's been a while since I've been free to see any humans."

"Um did you know that your foot's caught in a rat trap?" Kes said.

Q looked down briefly, "yes I did, I can't get it off. It's been a while since I've used my powers."

"Ok just wondering, why are you here? Don't you bother the Enterprise?" Kathryn asked angrily.

"Enterprise, me? Oooh no, that's a different Q," Q said. He headed over to the kitchen, "I'd better get down to business before the continuum finds I am free."

"Hey, that's my rat trap," Neelix said. Kathryn glanced at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Now if they ask about me, they will believe me, tell them that... no wait, my death is not..." Q stuttered cheerfully. "You know I've spent centuries trying to think up good last words, it should be good. Tell them I die not for myself, but for you."

Everyone glanced at the nearest person to them. "Loony," Lisa whispered to Ian.

"Not much but they'll understand. Now, I'm off. Bye to you all. Bye bye me," Q said, he pointed his fingers into the air. All the guys disappeared. "Oh, that's not right."

In: "Rex to Janeway, um all the guys on the bridge have disappeared."

In: "Just checked Jess, every guy on the ship has gone."

"What about the transvestites I saw?" Lisa asked.

Kes pulled a face, "good point, that means Tom is still around."

Kathryn marched her way over to Q, ignoring the two girls comments of course. "Return my crewmembers now!"

"Um well they're gone I'm afraid," Q stuttered.

"Gone, where!?" Kathryn growled.

"Gone, I'm sorry," Q said. He did his finger thing, he and Kathryn disappeared again.

The Bridge:
Kathryn and Q reappeared in the middle of the room. "You listen here, I want my crewmen returned," Kathryn snapped

"I'm not sure how," Q meekly said.

"Great, I'll be single forever," Danny muttered. Jessie rolled her eyes. "Hey, don't pull that face, you had a boyfriend."

"Humans... hmm, who has recent contact with humans," Q muttered to himself.

The usual Q appeared at the back of the bridge. "What have you done now Q?"

"Dan just a thought, you could date those two," Jessie said. Danny looked disgusted as she glanced at the two Q's.

Regular Q made his way over to Q2, "this species is not supposed to be in this quadrant for another hundred years."

"I didn't bring them here, nothing to do with me," Q2 said innocently.

"How did you get out, and where did you get that rat trap from?" Q asked.

"I'm afraid we're responsible for that. Well Neelix for the second one," Kathryn replied.

Q rolled his eyes, "well that's what you get when you put a woman in the Captain seat. I figured Riker would get this command, I guess it wouldn't last two seconds him with him in charge anyway."

"I take it you're the Q I've heard so much about," Kathryn said.

Q headed over to Kathryn, "you heard about little me? Oh do tell, has Jean Luc been whispering behind my back." He looked around the room looking confused. "Say have you gotten rid of all your men?"

"There was a little accident," Q2 replied meekly.

"A little accident? Let me guess, you were trying to commit suicide," Q said. Q2 smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "Now you see why we locked him up for the passed three hundred years." He clicked his fingers, all the guys on the bridge reappeared.

"Ok where did I just go?" Tom stuttered.

Harry blinked, "I dunno."

"Where am I now?" Tom stuttered.

Danny groaned, "ugh, go to Sickbay."

Chakotay turned away from the helm, he looked at Q. "Ooh facial art, how very wilderness of you."

"Um Captain, ok who's this jerk?" Chakotay asked.

"This is the guy you chose over me, I'm disgusted," Q muttered.

Kathryn looked confused, "huh, what?"

"Oh long story, no matter it doesn't matter this time round," Q replied. He clicked his finger, a similar tattoo to Chakotay's appeared on the side of his face, it was in fact bigger. "Look, mine's bigger than his."

Danny laughed dirtily, Jessie just groaned, "oh for crying out loud."

Q shrugged, "oh well, Q we should be going."

"I'm not leaving. Captain, I request an asylum," Q2 said.

"This is some kind of joke," Q said.

Tom laughed, "I get it now... no wait, I don't."

"Ugh," Danny groaned. She fiddled with her console, Tom dematerialised.

Q rolled his eyes, "why do I have to do this again?"

"It isn't a joke. I need protection from my enemies, which is him and maybe even the Fox Network. I hate them so much," Q2 said angrily.

"What again? And who?" Kathryn said, glancing at the appropriate Q's.

"You'd ask these puny humans to protect you, fat chance," Q snapped. Q2 did his finger thing, Q disappeared.

"What did you do to him?" Kathryn asked.

"Oh nothing, he's still there. I just brought us to an old hiding place of mine," Q2 replied.

The ship started to shake. "Report," Kathryn said.

"Um, there's no stars outside," Harry stuttered.

"Actually to be precise there is no universe outside," Q2 said.

"Ok, if that's so, where are we?" Harry asked.

Kathryn stepped forward, "put it on the viewscreen."

The viewscreen activated, a huge explosion occurred just then. "Captain, it appears we've been transported back to the birth of the universe."

"Oh how cute, it's got its mother's blackness," Jessie commented.

Danny laughed, "good one."

Kathryn ignored the girls, she glared at Q2. "Very old hiding place," he giggled.

Q appeared sitting on Jessie's station, "oh I know all the hiding places, Q. I hid here from the continuum myself once."

"That's nice, but I'd rather be out of here before the universe graduates from college," Jessie said.

Danny laughed again, "god she's none stop."

Jessie glanced at her, "come on even I think they're sad jokes."

"And so do I, just sit around and look pretty," Q said.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "Q, either Q, get us out of here!"

"You heard the lady Q, back to your cell," Q said. He disappeared again.

The ship stopped shaking. "Ok, where are we this time?" Chakotay asked.

Harry's eyes widened, "we're in Borg space, so it looks."

Everyone looked up at the viewscreen, a fleet of about twenty ships were coming towards them. "Ok, what kind of hiding place is this?" Kathryn snapped.

Q appeared, "ready or not, here I am."

Q2 did his finger thing, Q disappeared. "Ok, now what?" Kathryn sighed.

"We're attached to some kind of huge plant," Danny replied.

"Um right, on screen," Chakotay ordered.

The viewscreen went blurry, Danny tilted her head to the side. "Computer, wider angle," Kathryn ordered.

The ship started shaking slightly, Q appeared on the viewscreen looking rather big. "You can't hide from me Q," he said.

"And you can't take me by force. I'll stalemate you for eternity if I have to!" Q2 yelled.

"To hell you will. There's not enough coffee in the universe to help me through this annoyance. How dare you come aboard my ship and endanger the crew with your personal tug of war!" Kathryn angrily rambled.

"Did anyone tell you you're angry when you're beautiful?" Q said, raising his eyebrow. He disappeared off the screen, and reappeared in front of it at normal size.

"If I knew what he meant I'd disagree with him, right?" Jessie muttered.

"We're back in our old position," Danny said.

"This doesn't matter, I'm not going back in that cell," Q2 said.

"How would you like to swap bodies with that strange rat man in their Mess Hall?" Q said.

"Oh just you try it!" Q2 growled.

"Stop this right now!" Kathryn yelled. She stood next to Q2, "you want an asylum, we'll have a hearing."

Q's face lit up, "a hearing, why am I not surprised." He made his way over to Kathryn, "you'd put his future into your delicate little hands?" He took a hold of Kathryn's hand. "Ooh, so nice and soft, what do you use?"

Kathryn pulled her hand out of his grip, "firstly coffee lotion. Secondly, when someone asks a Starfleet Captain for an asylum there is a clear procedure to follow. I suggest to end this petty fight, and to save my ship, that we follow procedure exactly."

Q shrugged, "this could go on for another millennia I suppose. Ok I accept on one condition if you grant in my favour, that Q goes back to his cell."

"I have a condition of my own, if you rule in my favour the continuum must grant me mortality," Q2 said.

"Why, so you can kill yourself?" Q asked.

"Exactly," Q2 replied.

"Accepted," Q said. Kathryn glanced at the two of them. "Well this is going to be fun isn't it. Will you choose to send him to a life of imprisonment, or assist in his suicide plan? That's a toughy, but that's why they made you Captain isn't it, to handle all of the tough ones," Q said as he circled Kathryn. "My my, now we'll get to see if the pants really fit."

A few hours later, the Cargo Bay:
James, Thompson and Foster were sitting around a crate playing cards. Thompson was busy cheating by putting two cards down at the same time. "Ha, pick up two," he said.

Foster pouted, "no fair, I never get two's. I only get them when someone puts a one down after I use it."

"Don't complain, you gave me the Ace of Hearts," Thompson said.

"No that was me. I go before you moron," James said.

"Excellent, I suggest we switch direction," Thompson said.

Foster nodded, "ooh yeah, that may work."

"I'm not switching until the next game," James said.

"Oh bloody hell," Foster groaned just as Thompson put down an eight.

Chakotay marched into the room, he spotted the three straight away.

"Did he see us yet, did he see us yet?" Foster stuttered.

"No I think he's just staring at a vampire behind you," James said.

Foster's eyes widened, he glanced behind him and glanced back. "There's no vampire, you lied."

"Ever heard of sarcasm?" James said.

Foster blinked, "oh right."

"Quiet virgins, I'm trying to think of my next move," Thompson snapped. He put down another card.

Foster pouted as he put down his next card, "I am not one of those!"

Chakotay cleared his throat, "ahem, I thought you noticed me ages ago."

"Yeah, but you didn't say anything. Not my fault," James said, he put down a two.

Thompson stared at the two, "I don't believe it!"

"That's what you get for making Foster cry, my job after all," James said.

"I didn't cry, I just pouted," Foster muttered.

"Same thing, right Jamesy?" Thompson said with a cheesy grin on his face.

"Ok, what card have you got?" James muttered questioningly.

Thompson put down the Ace of Hearts, "read it and weep."

Foster burst out crying, "not fair!"

"Oh that's right, Foster's after me," Thompson said.

"When you're quite finished boys, you have an awaymission to go on," Chakotay said.

James shook his head, "no way, not doing it. The last one I went on ended in disaster."

"Good point, and Tom's on the team too," Chakotay said.

"Isn't he blind stinking drunk?" Thompson asked.

"Just a little bit, he's sobering up now. He still doesn't get how he got drunk on Cherry Coke," Chakotay replied.

James tried not to laugh, "no, that's a mystery."

Chakotay raised his eyebrow, "what did you do?"

"Isn't it obvious, god," Thompson replied, shaking his head.

"Oh well, you'll meet Mr Paris in the shuttle bay in ten minutes. Be there or you'll spend another two months on this punishment duty," Chakotay said.

"But I always do this job," Foster said.

"Yeah me too, and well James always will too," Thompson said.

James rolled his eyes, "I will get off someday. I should be off now, I haven't done anything wrong in ages."

"Well the spiking drink thing is bad, that hasn't been counted yet. Today's duty shift, and the next two months shifts are all because of the time you programmed Janeway's computer to sing the Fast Food song, well the anti-coffee version," Chakotay said.

James grinned, "yeah that was a good day, it was worth it."

"Just get to that damn shuttle bay, all of you," Chakotay grumbled.

A little while later, Shuttle Sacajawea:
Tom turned his chair around, "you did what?"

James glanced briefly at him, "I spiked your drink with vodka, big deal."

Tom turned back to his station, "Chakotay told me I fainted on Danny's lap, that is a big deal."

Thompson came up behind him, he leaned on Tom's chair. "I heard you tried to kiss the Doctor too."

Tom turned his chair making Thompson lose his balance, he fell on the ground. "I don't believe anyone could be that drunk, not even James."

James glared in Tom's direction, "you're lucky you're flying the shuttle near a planet at the moment."

Tom smiled, "it's ok, I didn't say that you'd be the only one drunk enough to kiss the doc."

"Yeah but it was the even James comment that got me," James muttered.

Thompson sat down next to Foster, "want to do some bets?" Foster nodded his head.

"Look that reminds me, I wanted to talk to you about that little incident a while back," Tom said.

James rolled his eyes, "it's ok, I didn't tell anyone about your Cher collection."

Tom blushed, "now you have!"

"Sorry, they usually don't listen to me anyway," James said.

"Cher collection, I wonder if he's got the first album," Foster whispered. Thompson stared at him with wide and scared eyes.

"Ok, what I wanted to talk to you about was that night we had to spend together," Tom said.

"Thanks, that sounds very gay," James muttered.

Tom nodded, "yeah it does, but it's not. Remember when I was thinking about the conversation that started this feud and you fell asleep?"

"No not exactly," James replied.

"Well obviously cos you fell asleep. I thought I was hallucinating at one point, but it was your dream," Tom said. "Anyway, I only made fun of you and Jessie cos I obviously had a bit of a crush on Jessie, and well I do annoy crush's friends."

"Is that why you had a fight with Neelix? Cos you have a crush on Kes," James asked.

"Kinda yeah, he did start it in all fairness," Tom replied.

"Yeah Danny and Jessie told me," James said.

"They probably told you that I won that one easily," Tom said.

James tried not to laugh, "well actually..."

"Oh come on!" Tom whined.

James shrugged, "I didn't say it remember, they just said there was a draw."

Tom pouted, "damn that knife that fell on the floor."

"Look, you were in the middle of something before. You should carry on before I fall asleep again," James said.

Thompson giggled quietly, "I knew it, Tom's a bi and he has a crush on him, pay up."

Foster pulled a face, "eew."

"Oh wait that was Harry he had a crush on, oops," Thompson whispered. Foster continued to pull a face.

"It'll have to wait, we're landing now," Tom said.

"So what's up with this planet then?" James asked.

Tom shrugged, "Janeway still hasn't got her coffee supplies, plus we need some of that healthy stuff."

"Vegetables?" Foster said questioningly.

"That's it," Tom said.

"Who votes that we tell Janeway the natives banned coffee in the entire quadrant?" James said questioningly, putting his hand up. Foster and Thompson put their hands up.

"There are no natives, but she doesn't know that. I'll vote but my hands are busy," Tom said.

"Yes there are, there are monkeys.. where did that come from?" James said.

Tom looked confused, "I dunno, weird."

Voyager, the Conference Room:
Kathryn, the two Q's and Tuvok were all in the room. Kathryn was standing at the head of it. "Now to begin this hearing I will do my opening speech..." Kathryn said.

Q groaned, he clicked his fingers resulting in Kathryn's speech going in fast forward. "There better."

Kathryn went back to normal speed, "and I finish my speech with, don't ever do that again Q."

"Ok baby, I'll do what you say," Q said, he winked.

"If that's so, here's some instructions. One, don't call me baby. Two, get your feet off my table. Three, stop looking at my butt," Kathryn said as she sat down.

Q pulled a face, "I'm not, you've just sat on a rat trap."

Kathryn stood up, "Neelix!"

Q2 grinned, "oh speaking of which, can someone get this one off my foot?"

"Who cares, you want to die anyway," Q groaned.

Kathryn threw the rat trap onto the ground, "moving on ahem. Q, why do you want to commit suicide?"

"It's simple Captain, after living for billions of years you find your life is very tedious," Q2 replied.

"Oh please, we can do more or less anything we want, maybe a human living that long would be tedious," Q muttered.

Kathryn sighed, "Tuvok what was I thinking." Tuvok responded by raising his eyebrow.

Shuttle Sacajawea:
"Ok we've landed, expect chaos and destruction," Tom said. He stood with the others as the main door opened. They all stared at the incredibly green paradise in front of them. "My god, didn't we come here in the last episode?"

"I hope not, I'm not going through that again," James replied. He pulled out some sunglasses, "so glad I brought these." The others stared at him looking jealous.

Tom pulled out a tricorder, "I wouldn't go outside guys, a storm is coming. We should stay inside until it blows over."

"Storm, I don't see a storm," Thompson said. The area got very windy, the sun disappeared behind some huge grey clouds. "Ok, now I do."

"That's weird, where was that storm when we were landing?" James asked.

Tom put on a dramatic pose, "I don't know, something very fishy is going on here."

Thompson glanced at them, "when will you two quit it with the weirdness, it's scaring Foster."

"No it's not," Foster pouted.

The Q from Second Chance was standing just around a corner, he was busy spying on Jessie, Danny and Kes. The regular Q appeared behind him. "Q, what you doing? I hope you're not planning to screw up another timeline."

The nutty Q jumped a mile, "what are you doing to me, god!"

"Listen you, the continuum has spent a good few years trying to fix that mess you made with the other reality. I'm already having to do this hearing thing again," Q said.

Nutty Q put his hands on his hips, "I'm not going to screw up this time."

"Really? What are you doing then?" Q asked.

"Um, just hanging out," Nutty Q replied.

"No, you're just spying on your latest obsession. I just hope for your sake it's the blonde human, the other two can't be messed with," Q said.

Nutty Q looked confused, "why?"

Q rolled his eyes, "you know why, you idiot!"

"Oh, ok why are you here?" Nutty Q asked.

"The hearing again remember," Q sighed in response.

"I don't get it," Nutty Q muttered.

"Q wasn't affected by the meddling, he was still in his cell. He obviously doesn't know he lost the last time," Q said.

Meanwhile, the Mess Hall:
"You see, that's why I can't lose this time Mr Tuvok," Q2 said.

Tuvok took his tray, he sat down at a table. Q2 sat down beside him. "This time?" he said, raising his eyebrow.

"This suicide isn't just for me, Mr Tuvok. I'm doing it for my people as well. None of them are brave enough to speak out like I am, no mortal can really understand our situation without seeing it for themselves," Q2 said.

"Interesting, we may have a way to turn the tables a little," Tuvok said. Q2 smiled in a goofy way.

Neelix ran passed their table holding a knife, "where did you go this time, you little rascal!"

The planet:
"Sun's setting, storm's going too," Tom said.

Foster groaned, "so I put my factor 25 on for nothing?"

"Yes, even if the sun was still out. You'd need a factor 35 for that sun," Tom replied.

"So glad that storm did come, I easily burn," James said.

Tom nodded, "only my head does."

Thompson rolled his eyes, "ok girls, can we leave now? I'm getting cabin fever."

"Girls," the others snapped.

Thompson smiled nervously, "can we go... men?"

The shuttle doors opened, the four stepped out into the wilderness. Foster jumped at the sound of the bushes rustling, "you don't think there's any nasty animals, do you?"

"God I hope not," Thompson said.

"Maybe one or two of us should stay behind to guard the shuttle," Tom said.

"Yeah I'll do that," Foster stuttered.

"Me too," Thompson said.

James folded his arms, "you were in such a hurry to leave a second ago."

"Yes well Laura would rather have me back in one piece. Have fun guys," Thompson said.

James and Tom glanced at each other. "One piece, that brings me back," Tom muttered.

"Yeah, let's split up," James said quickly.

"But somebody always gets hurt in situations like these. I don't wanna be that somebody," Tom said.

"Oh come on, it's always me. You're such a chicken," James grumbled. He walked off on his own.

Tom nodded his head, "that first part's true. That second part isn't, I'm not a cannibal." He noticed he was talking to himself, so he rushed off in another direction.

James wandered around the woods for a little while, he eventually got to a clearing. Nearby was a cave opening next to a lake. Two people were standing there talking. James stayed behind a nearby tree.

"Really, that's great. I'm sick of eating the monkeys," one of the people said.

James pulled a face, "eew."

"Yeah, they taste very tangy. You know what I mean," the other person said.

The first nodded his head, "maybe we should go and find these new aliens. We could eat them now, I'm hungry."

"No, we'd get wrong. You never know, these aliens might taste as bad as those Kazon guys," the second guy said.

"I just hope they're not Vidiians. My brother ate one and he hasn't been the same since," the first guy said.

A girl stepped out of the cave, her face changed into a more demonic one. "Come on boys, it's supper time."

"Ohno, more monkeys," the first guy groaned. He followed the girl into the cave.

"Meh, blood's blood," the second guy said. He followed also.

James groaned, "damn, vampires. Thought I escaped them."

Something touched his leg, he jumped and turned around. He couldn't see anything but trees. Eventually he looked down and saw a cute little girl. "Hiya," she said sweetly.

"No natives my as... butt," James muttered.

"Can you help me? I can't find my daddy," the girl said.

"No sorry, wait..." James said.

The girl sniffed the air near him, she then took a bite out of his leg. "Ooh, you're new." She ran off towards the cave.

"Little vampire brat," James muttered. He headed back the way he came.

A familiar voice screamed in the not very far away distance. Tom appeared from behind some bushes, he crashed straight into James, knocking them both over. "Oh thank god, are they in my hair?" he stuttered.

"Are what in your hair?" James asked while pulling himself up.

Tom brushed himself off before standing up, "these horrible glowy bugs."

"There's nothing glowy in your hair, but anything could be in your hair. It is too dark to see," James said.

Tom pulled a face, "thanks, you're a lot of help."

"Could you keep your voice down," James said.

"What, can the bugs hear us?" Tom asked, whimpering a little.

James looked nervous, "yes, the bugs. All the big bugs, one bit me."

"Yeah one bit me too," Tom moaned. He scratched his arm.

"Let's go before the bugs get us," James said.

Tom shuddered, "yeah, let's do that. We can come back with bug spray."

"Um actually, do you remember the way back?" James asked.

Tom's eyes widened, "oh god I don't. Those bugs threw me off, oh crap."

"Can't anyone be the smart one for once," James groaned. Tom shrugged.

Meanwhile, Danny's Quarters:
Jessie was lying in a small bed nearby the window. She was only half asleep as she turned over. The nutty Q was lying next to her, "hi babe." Jessie fully woke up, she jumped out of bed.

"What the... who the hell are you!?" she screeched, holding up a teddy.

"No, no put the teddy down! I'm not going to hurt you," Nutty Q said calmly. He cringed as he climbed out of the bed. "Do you always kick guys there, who are in your bed?"

"No, I just do that to strange guys I don't know or guys I don't like in my bed, actually most men yes," Jessie replied.

"Nice, very friendly of you," Nutty Q said.

"Ok, who the hell are you?" Jessie asked.

"My name is Q," Nutty Q replied.

"There are two Q's on the ship and you're not either of them," Jessie said.

Nutty Q headed over to her, "I'm a third one. You see I'm a friend of James'."

"Oh that Q, yeah James mentioned you," Jessie said.

Nutty Q smiled, "I'm so glad to hear that. Just wondering though, do you kick him everytime, like you did with me?"

"No, because he's never in my bed," Jessie muttered in response.

Nutty Q grinned, "good, I'm the first and you seem single. Wanna go out sometime?"

"Oh dear, James told me a lot about you, but he never told you much about me, did he?" Jessie said, folding her arms.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nutty Q said.

"Well if he did he would have told you that I don't date guys on a regular basis. In other words a guy who just appears in my bed when I'm trying to sleep has no chance," Jessie said.

"Aaaw, you're a challenge, I like that," Nutty Q said.

"I'm too much of a challenge for you, just go away," Jessie muttered.

"What is a nice girl like you not interested in guys?" Nutty Q asked in a flirty voice.

"Well 99% of the guys that I've met, including you, are jerks," Jessie replied.

"Fine. What's the other 1% like, I could be like that," Nutty Q said.

"Firstly the guys, actually just guy, has a chance because for one thing, he didn't try to either bully or date me when we first met," Jessie said.

Nutty Q nodded, "strange man, must have been gay."

"He's not gay, I think I'd notice if James was gay. I have known him since I was four," Jessie said.

Nutty Q gasped, "you're dating him? Oh the shame of it, I can be better than him you know. I could beat up anybody you want, I could get you lots of presents. Oooh, I can't die, also I could make you live forever while still looking 22."

Jessie rolled her eyes, "ok here's the thing. One, James can beat up a lot of people, and I'm not won over like that. Two, you've known me for a few minutes, how could you possibly know what to get me. Three, I want you to die cos you're annoying. Four, if I was with you I wouldn't want to live another day, let alone forever."

Nutty Q sat down on the bed, "damn, you are a challenge."

"And there is another thing, you can't be better than him. Everytime he was or is nice to me, he's not thinking or secretly planning to bed me," Jessie said.

Nutty Q looked confused, "bed you? Not familiar with that concept."

"Fine I'll change that to date me and/or sneak in my bed, it's your choice," Jessie muttered.

"Wait, how do you know he's not planning or thinking that?" Nutty Q asked sneakily.

Jessie groaned, "cos I know, that'll be something you'll never understand, Q."

"Fine, I'll have a think, and I'll back," Nutty Q said. He disappeared.

"See you in a few millennium," Jessie said.

The planet:
Tom and James reached the shuttle, Thompson and Foster were waiting outside looking a bit beat up. "What happened here?" Tom asked.

"These people broke in, beat us up and took a power module," Thompson replied.

"People? There are no humanoid lifesigns on this planet," Tom said in disbelief.

James briefly glanced at the ground, "just bugs and monkeys."

"No there were people, I'm sure of it," Foster stuttered.

"Look I'll tell you what. I'll have a search for these people and get the module back," James said.

"We shouldn't split up again, the bugs might get us," Tom said.

"I'm not suggesting splitting up. I'm suggesting that you guys stay behind, and I go," James said.

"Hey I don't mind people, it's bugs I don't like," Tom said.

"You're way out of your league here, Tom," James said.

Tom looked confused, "what are you talking about?" Thompson and Foster stared at James with the same look on their faces.

"I can handle it. You stay here," James said. He turned around and headed back the way he came.

"God that guy's full of himself," Thompson muttered, shaking his head.

"I don't care what he says guys, we're going too," Tom said.

"You're both mad, these people were strong. When I say strong, I mean freakishly strong like James," Thompson said.

Tom cleared his throat, "we're still going. Freaks like James can still get shot, bring phasers."

Thompson and Foster nodded nervously, they went back into the shuttle.

A few hours later
Voyager, the Conference Room:
"Now it's time for my closing speech," Kathryn said.

Q put his feet on the desk, "ok here we go again." He clicked his fingers, Kathryn went in high speed again.

"What did I tell you about that!?" Kathryn snapped. Q just shrugged. "Anyway, I have decided to rule in Q's favour."

"Which one pet?" Q asked like he knew the answer already.

"The suicidal one," Kathryn replied.

Q put his feet down, "what, how did that happen?"

Q2 grinned, "you made a deal, make me mortal." Q groaned, he clicked his fingers. Q2 tried his finger thing, nothing happened. "My powers are gone, I'm mortal."

"I haven't finished," Kathryn said. She looked in Q2's direction, "now that you're mortal you should try to live like normal mortals. Give life a chance." Q2 nodded his head.

"Well this is different," Q muttered.

The planet:
James stepped into the clearing where the cave and lake was. A few vampires jumped down from trees or from above the cave entrance. More came out of the entrance, including the little girl.

"That's the one daddy, he tastes really nice," the girl said.

One of the vampires stroked the girl's head, "good girl. Go inside."

"So vampires live in the Delta Quadrant too, I thought they were just in Manchester," James said.

"We are anywhere the Game Cubes can take us, Slayer. Nice of you to join us here," the girl's dad sneered. He stepped away from the others. "Don't be so surprised, we know who you are."

"That's great, who are you?" James asked.

The girl's dad smiled evily, "my name is Frenit, and that's the last name you're ever going to have to learn."

"Do I have even have to learn that stupid name?" James said questioningly.

"No, and it's not stupid. Ok boys, go and get something to eat," Frenit ordered. All the girl vampires glared at him. "Ok, and girls too."

A little while later:
Tom, Thompson and Foster were wandering around the woods looking really lost. "We can easily find him, he only had a few seconds head start.. god, that's the last time I listen to you," Thompson grumbled.

"You never listen to me," Tom said.

"I know, I should have remembered that," Thompson said.

"Shhh, do you hear that?" Foster whispered.

Tom nodded, "sounds like wind blowing through the trees."

"Not that, I'm sure I heard people," Foster said.

"Fine, we'll keep going this way," Tom said.

Meanwhile, on top of the small cliff side:
"Now that was easy, wasn't it?" Frenit said.

A few of the vampires stared at him. "Sir, he took out ten of us," one said.

James, who was being held back by two vampires, kicked one. He stumbled and fell down the cliff side.

"Ok, eleven of us," the first vampire said.

"Doesn't matter. It doesn't compare to how many more he's already killed, and how many he could kill," Frenit said.

"Ok I just hope we're here for the view," James said.

Frenit stepped closer to him, "why, you scared of a little height or a little bit of water?"

James stared blankly at him, "I'm not answering that question."

"Aaaw how cute, now push him," Frenit ordered.

The two vampires dragged James close to the edge, they then pushed him, he quickly grabbed one of them. He and that vampire fell into the lake.

"Twelve," the first vampire muttered.

"Oh shut up," Frenit snapped. All the vampires left the area.

A few minutes later Tom, Thompson and Foster came into the clearing. "Ah, I was here earlier," Tom said.

Thompson pointed at the lake, "what's that?"

Tom stepped closer to the lake, "oh my god." He rushed into the lake itself, he went under the water.

"Oh it's gone, what is it?" Thompson said.

Foster squinted, "I think it's water."

"I told you it's gone, moron," Thompson grumbled.

Tom resurfaced with James, who looked unconscious. Tom quickly dragged him onto the shore, he checked for a pulse. "Crap, does anyone know CPR?"

Thompson and Foster glanced at each other looking worried. "No, honest," Foster stuttered.

"I do, but I'm not gay," Thompson said.

Tom groaned, "you've got to be kidding me, he's dead."

"Then you do it you heroic man you," Thompson said sarcastically.

Tom glared in his direction, "fine you wuss." He started to do CPR.

"You know he isn't going to be happy that you did that," Foster said.

Tom stared at him with a raised eyebrow, "I'm sure he'll be really mad that I saved his life, not." He carried on.

"I don't think it's working," Thompson said, looking disgusted.

Tom checked for a pulse again, "I think it did."

James woke up, he sat up slowly, "guys, what are you doing here?"

"He dragged us along," Foster moaned. Thompson elbowed him.

"We, or rather I, figured you'd need help, I was right," Tom said.

James looked a bit confused, "how did I get out?"

"Action man Tom went in and got you out," Thompson replied.

"Just in time, you were dead for a while," Tom said.

"But I can hold my breath for minutes, how did I die," James said.

"I dunno, we obviously got here a few minutes late," Tom said.

James groaned, "this is why I hate water." Tom helped him stand up.

"Oh by the way, Tom did the kiss of life on you," Thompson said, sniggering slightly.

Tom folded his arms, "I don't care how disgusting you think it is, I saved someone's life." He glanced at James, "you're not mad are you?"

Foster smiled, "see, I got you scared, didn't I?"

"No I'm not mad. Thanks Tom," James replied.

Tom grinned, "no problem."

Thompson sniggered, "it was no problem."

"Oh dear god," Tom groaned. "We'll go after that module thing, you go back to the shuttle ok."

"No, I feel fine," James said.

"Ok you were dead for several minutes, it's ok to skive after that," Tom said.

"It's not my first time, besides I want to kick some butt," James said.

Tom shrugged, "ok, let's do that. Which way?"

"That cave, I just need one thing," James replied. He headed over to one of the trees, he snapped off a few of the branches and handed them over to the others. "Just put that through a heart and you're all set."

"Huh?" Thompson said.

"We're not fighting vampires," Tom said, raising an eyebrow.

James headed towards the cave trying not to laugh, "yes we are." He disappeared into the cave.

The others stared with wide eyes. "Oh my god, my mum was right. My god, when I get home I'm getting her out of that nut house," Thompson stuttered.

Voyager, Sickbay:
Kathryn rushed through the door, she made her way over to one of the biobeds. Q2 was lying on it, the Doctor and Tuvok were standing nearby.

"He's taken in a dosage of poison, there is no known cure for it," the Doctor said.

"I'm sorry Captain, I didn't mean to disappoint you. I couldn't fit into this mortal existence. This is my final gift to my people.. oh tell them those were my last words," Q2 said. He took a hold of Kathryn's hand. "I dearly thank you for helping me with..." He closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor said.

"Doctor, do you usually store poisons?" Tuvok asked.

"No," the Doctor replied.

"Then how did he get a hold of it?" Kathryn asked.

Q appeared, "I got it for him."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "you assisted his suicide?"

"Illogical Tuvok, I don't think so. By demanding to end his life he taught me something about my own. He was right that the Continuum scared me back in line. I didn't have his courage or his convictions. He called me irrepressible, this was a man who was truly irrepressible. I only hope I make a worthy student," Q replied.

"I doubt the continuum will be very happy with you Q," Kathryn said.

"I certainly hope not," Q said. He touched her face, "goodbye madam Captain, we shall meet again." He disappeared.

Meanwhile, the Shuttle Bay:
The awayteam were just coming out of the shuttle, Jessie, Danny and O'Hara were nearby. Nutty Q appeared behind Jessie.

"Hi, I have got something for you," Nutty Q said.

Jessie glared at him, "I don't like the colour."

"Huh, what... you don't know what it is," Nutty Q stuttered.

"I don't care either," Jessie said.

"If it's chocolate I'll have it," O'Hara said.

"Damn I was about to call that," Danny groaned.

Nutty Q stepped in front of Jessie, "I got you your very own kitten, he's so cute."

James came over to Jessie and Nutty Q, he just punched him in the face. "No one gives anybody I know a kitten," he said.

Jessie tried to not to laugh, "what about a puppy?"

Nutty Q looked up, "I can do that now."

Q reappeared, he dragged Nutty Q away by the arm. "Come on you, you were warned."

"But, you were being nice to suicidal guy, why not me... oh," Nutty Q moaned. He and Q disappeared.

"So how did the trip go?" Danny asked.

"Oh Tom got lucky, that was about it," Thompson commented, he left the bay with O'Hara.

"Hey, get back here!" Tom yelled, he ran after Thompson. Foster shook his head, he left the bay.

"What did that mean?" Danny said with a wink.

"God I don't know," James replied. Danny sulked, she left the bay too.

Jessie stared at him, "you do know."

James pulled a face, "I can't hate Tom anymore, he saved my life."

"Oh I get it," Jessie said. She took a hold of his arm, "don't worry, when he's about to die you save him, and you'll be even. Then you can go back to hating him."

James smiled, and kissed her on the cheek. "You're the greatest Jess."

Jessie took her arm away, she put it around him, "I know." James put his arm around her as they headed out.

"By the way.. what happened to that suicidal Q?" James asked. The door closed behind them.


****THE END****

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