Last time on Marill Re-Reads

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Exclaimed Count: 155

I MEAN, I DUNNO WHAT THE ACTUAL TWIST IS, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY A WHAT

Muttered Count: 850

I HATE EVERYTHING

Motto Count: 20

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE LUCKY MY LAPTOP HAS NO INTERNET. THAT'S TWICE, TWICE SINCE I MADE THE DELETE SEASON ONE THREAT. I'LL DO IT, I SWEAR TO GOD. DON'T TEMPT ME

Sexist Crap Count: 33

Haha Jess, she's right. Tom probably meddles in his sleep

Jessie's Sin Points: 36

Morgan the Sue Count: 8

I'm sorry again Morgan but what? Don't pull stuff from your ass, it stinks

Seven Dies Count: 5

This is the part where they try it and it doesn't work, overloads and kills Seven.

James Kill Count: 3

A CLIFFHANGER BEAM, OHNOES, ABANDON SHIP FOR THE FIVE MINUTES BETWEEN SEASONS. CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC

And now the conclusion

 

Marill Re-Reads "Thrown Key" Part 2

Well here we are, in Season Two territory. No, come back, notice the lack of capital T on territory. I'm reviewing Thrown Key's second half today which shouldn't be as bad. Maybe.

Now since we're onto a new season I figured I'd try to change up a few little things. Firstly, I'm changing the quote system, yes again! I still don't think the old way worked that well. It was still a huge time saver compared to the first. Secondly, as mentioned in the overal Season One review I wanted to change the way episodes are marked and ranked. I won't get into it now as it's not something that'll affect the review until the end. And finally, the stats. Season Two will start anew. So why even bother mentioning them in the recap? Well because a) I'm not funny and needed something, b) I don't want to use them all (I think motto's are done, if not they're few and far between) and would like to use new ones that come to mind. When Season Two is over I will however add stuff like the muttered counts together for an overall total.

So, before we get started. Sometime between Upendi and this, or maybe sooner (I doubt it), I decided to cover Voyager's first three seasons after all despite the "Aggressions is the split point, nothing's different before then" spiel. Yes I wanted to do the first few seasons, but Aggressions being where the dimensions split up stopped being true once the paradox with Morgan and Kiara began to develop during Season One. Even Aggressions showed the first alternation took place in the third season anyway. I won't get into why that was the case as it's spoilerific if you're only reading the reboot of Season One+ and are (im)patiently waiting for the next one before reading further, or if you know the series anyway you probably have a good idea what I'm talking about.

What's that got to do with Season Two and Thrown Key Part 2? Without Morgan and Kiara these mythical at the time prequel seasons would only have James, Jessie and maybe Craig as a young teen as the extras. If I did this now, that'd be good enough. Back when I was 16 I was like "NO, I NEED MOAR, A CAST OF 12-13 IS TINY" though, so new characters needed to be created for the prequels, and unless I killed them off before Aggressions, it'd be weird for them to disappear in the main seasons. Also writing them into the Season Two premiere meant I could get a good feel of them, see who worked and didn't like the Aggressions trio (who!?) before the prequels were planned and written.

One or two could've done, but I decided to create six newbies. Which if that wasn't bad enough, two of them would be life long friends of James and Jessie. Oh well, their missing in actionness can be explaine... NOPE not only friends but close friends. Um yeah well, um, maybe something... um this is awkward.

We'll meet them during the review if you don't know them already. Suffice to say they did eventually whittle down to roughly three but it took many seasons and years to do so. Let's do this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just how will the epic cliffhanger of Borg storming the Bridge, and assimilating Tuvok and Harry, be solved. Gosh, this could take an entire episode to sort out. On the edge of my seat.

The drones continued to walk closer to the poor members of the Bridge crew. Suddenly the Bridge was engulfed in a bright light. Everyone shielded their eyes from the light with their arms. When the light faded away everyone gaped in shock. The drones were lying dead on the ground.

Or we could just get at least one bit out of the way. Darn pesky cliffhangers, shoo *bats away with a duster*

Tom tapped his commbadge. "Lilly, did you do that?" Tom asked.

In: "Yeah, it's an old Liger trick. Is everyone okay up there?"

Which was??

I'm waiting, says The Ligers/Kidz Trek's creator.

You know what...

Lilly Ex Machina Count: 1

Woohoo, my first counter of the season! Lilly has a big part in it, this should be interesting. And yes I'll quickly revise this total with Season One. You're going down Fake-Lilly

In: "You can say that again, that field I generated is causing a feedback on the power systems."

"So is that the excuse for not using that field thing again?" James asked.

"What field?" everyone asked in unison.

"I dunno, just forget it," James replied in a confused tone of voice.

Oh Reset Button, you little rascal you. When are you going to erase something bad for once? Seriously, you can make the skeletal lock added to transporter log but never used again gag actually funny. This is not one of those times.

In: "No it's spreading quickly!"

"I should get down there," B'Elanna said. All of a sudden the lights and the consoles went dark. In a matter of seconds the entire ship was as dark as space.

HEY REBOOT YEAR OF HELL, I'M SUING YOU FOR BLATANT COPYRIGHT. HOW DARE YOU RIP ME OFF..ohwait, I wrote that. heh heh. I'm such a literal thief, I steal from myself. Scandalous.

"I'm scared," Jessie said quietly.

"Yeah," James muttered. Everyone groaned.

Second new counter and we're still only in scene 1. Mind you, for the moment it's a mouthful until I think of a name (and I really should count Season One eventually if we're doing grand totals).

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character, Pairings Should Be Twins Bulls*** Count: 1

James, get your own flaws. Jessie does not, or she shouldn't find a guy who is identical to her and is probably one bad hair dye job away from stealing her identity and wearing her clothes, very attractive. No, that's just darn creepy. Yeah, picture someone stealing Jessie's clothes. Cue nightmares!

Congrats though James. I knew you'd be one of my first counts.

Somebody stood on his toe and he cried out in pain. "Jessie, was that you, you cow!" Tom yelled.

"It's dark, you can't prove a thing," Jessie said.

"James?" Tom asked.

"Wasn't me, we're both on the other side of the Bridge," James replied.

"Prove it," Tom said. Suddenly something hit him in the head. Tom knelt down and he felt around for what hit him. He found it, it was undoubtedly something of James'.

Okay, okay. I have so much twaddle to say, I need to organise my thoughts.

1) This was edited and thank f£$£%^$% god for that, though I'm mad I remember it. Originally the thing James threw was described. Guess what it was. No, it wasn't a tricorder. Try again. I'll give you a few hints. It begins with P and was one of many complaints I had with Season One.

2) James being violent, sticking up for Jessie, and I can't help but giggle that to prove he wasn't close enough to stand on Tom's toe, James opted to throw something at his head. In the dark. That's some good aim foreshadowing.Thats my boy.

3) Great it was changed from something stupid, but what was it that was so obviously James's? No one will ever know. Tom's still alive so I doubt it was a bobble... er a knife. God damn, I can't leave any Season One memes behind can I, haha.

4) Also, Tom wanted to keep the super awesome something that was obviously James' forever and ever, because? I ship it.

Something else hit him in the head. This time it was a bulkhead that had collapsed from the ceiling.

"Anyway Tom, it was me who stood on your toe," B'Elanna said.

Haha yep, the best time to tell him is when he's unconscious or most likely dead.

"Why?" Tom moaned as he rubbed his head.

Jesus, Tom is invincible. Maybe he taught Seven a few things.

"Why?" Tom moaned as he rubbed his head.

"You were getting on my nerves," B'Elanna replied.

J

You know, the cliffhanger resolution for the most part was a rushed mess, but doing that is not exclusive to Fifth Voyager (I can think of Voyager itself, Bones, as a few examples and I don't watch much TV). Even so this is already 10x better than Part 1.

"Er.. don't you think we should find a torch?" Craig asked just so he could finally get a line.

"Oh shut up! Quit stating the obvious!" B'Elanna snapped. For some reason Craig started squealing.

"What's wrong?" James asked.

"She's standing on my toe!" Craig squeaked.

Um

Okay, we're back to Season One style ruining a good joke by dragging it out. Wtf?

"I'm getting episode deja vu, isn't anyone else getting it?" James asked.

"Shh, don't," Tom muttered.

"Don't mention episode deja vu, it makes the writers look stupid," Jessie said.

"Wasn't it Upendi?" B'Elanna asked.

Um no, Jessie hasn't tried to plug a flashlight into the power, crashed the ship and called everyone a whore.

"Uhoh, we've been caught out again," Raichu's

"There.. moooore at the engineering console," Craig squeaked.

"Hey, you stole my line!" Jessie yelled and she hit him over the head with the torch.

Yeah, he's such a slut, Craig should totally die!!!

"What did you say?" Tom asked.

"Quit stealing my lines!" Jessie yelled and she threw a broken access panel door at him.

I'm taking my earlier comment back. This is worse than Part 1. Part 1's only real flaw was that it was boring. I'd rather have that than the only two women on the Bridge being violent to the men for no reason.

Sexist Crap Count: 3 (B'Elanna to Craig, Jessie to Craig, Jessie to Tom)

Oh btw, I totally forgot. Welcome to Season Two Jessie, I got you a pressie for the occasion.

Jessie's Sin Points: +2 (see above)

You're welcome! And don't forget, your Season One debt hasn't been forgotten.

"Nameless Ugly Ensign, open that conduit. No, no, use the f****** torch to see inside before you do anything," Lilly said.

Oh look everyone Fake-Lilly is back. Hi Fake-Lilly. You got the memo about female characters being insufferable did you? Good girl *pats back*

Lilly thought, "these brainless twats don't even know what they're doing."

Oh yeah, this...

Because Marill is not only an unoriginal copycat, or at least her child self was, she decided that what Fifth Voyager needed wasn't coherent storylines that end and less Pokémon battles, it was to read what characters that were already being awful were thinking while they were being awful.

Thrown Key Part 2 definitely has it.

Parallax has it. Dunno why, Caretaker (Part 1 at least) is a few months younger than Thrown Key 2 and I don't remember it having any. Yeah I remember Parallax (and Eye of Ramn) was written before Caretaker whilst on holiday, but it wasn't typed up and heavily edited along with Eye of Ramn until 2002, a year later. I think the "idea" had long since died then.

Thankfully this was a gimmick that did not last long. I'm hoping it kinda started and ended in this one, to be honest. Not that I'm hating the idea itself, it's as usual my execution of it. If you don't care about Season Five spoilers, Three's A Paradox, Sin Deep at times, Heaven Sent, and Dark Clouds Part 3 are how I like it to be done.

"Emma, why are we here for?" Morgan's voice asked.

"To have some fun!" Emma's voice giggled.

"I just want my Cherry Coke, and it's not here!" Morgan's voice yelled.

Oh insufferable and useless. I knew I was forgetting one job description.

"Well Seven's regenerating. She's using the back up power, I think you should shut her alcove down," Morgan replied.

(intermission)

Cargo Bay 2:
Seven awoke from her dreams. She stepped out of her alcove. She had a confused look on her face. The entire room was in darkness and she couldn't see anything. She attempted to walk towards the door but she tripped over something.

Oh yes, this is it, here we go

In: "Don't tell me, it was another convenient Liger trick that'll be forgotten about in five minutes," Jessie said.

Oh Jessie, I think we all know the answer to that one.

"Well she's used quite a lot of it up, we've only got enough power for fifteen minutes. We'll have to use it wisely," Lilly said.

"Beer," Emma told the replicator.

pfftlol

In: "Scott to Rex," Danny's voice cut in.

WHO!?!?!

"Actually, she's a B4 Fifth Voyager main character," Tom said.

Oh yeah, I haven't called it that in a while. At least it's not Before Fifth Voyager.

In: "I need your help. When the power went down I walked into my table and I've hurt my leg. Could you come down?" Danny asked.

"Can't we beam her to Sickbay?" Tom asked.

"Don't be a dumb a**," James said.

Yeah Tom, if you do that Emma won't be able to have another round of beer.

And I know this is her first scene and everything, but I half expected Danny to call James for this job.

But Marill, she hated him by the end of the prequels, why would sh....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA prequel continuity is always funny!

"Shut up, or I'll steal more of your lines," Tom growled.

FYI, I haven't quoted 90% of the dialogue involving stealing lines. I'm too good to you. But it does eventually gives us this gem:

"He's right, we've barely got enough power to move the ship far at impulse, so maybe you should shut up for a change," Jessie said.

Tom thought, "I love it when she talks to me like that, she's just like B'Elanna."

"Oh shut up, I hate it when you talk to me like that," Tom moaned. Jessie ignored him.

Suddenly it all makes sense.

Except for Tom trying to hook her up with James at every opportunity. Unless... oh god Tom, that foursome is never going to happen. Keep dreaming.

"I'll come with you if you want," James said. Jessie nodded and they both headed towards the Jeffries Tube on the Bridge.

In: "It's ok, Jim, I just want Jessie," Danny cut in.

Well okay, I'm gonna be far too honest here instead of joking around with lolcontinuity comments. Spoilers for the prequels incoming beware. The reason Danny and Ian weren't in Season One is well, duh they didn't exist, but since unlike the other four they needed a canon reason what with their friendship with James and Jessie. I either did not have one yet whilst writing this episode, AND/OR there was some silly fourth wall or normal wall joke made up. I'm thinking both as its just my (old) style to cover up laziness with jokes.

However, Danny's comment tricks me into thinking the B4FV3 events were planned all along. And it's not just because Danny has none of her character traits yet. She definitely does. You'll see what I mean later, it's one of the few things I remember about this one, even if the memories are faint.

Oh and Jim?

"What's this Danny like? Is she hot, or more importantly is she available?" Craig asked. Everyone in unison rolled their eyes.

Oh Craig, we've moved onto a new season now. Catch up.

"Would someone please get rid of that drone," James moaned as he pointed at a dead drone.

"Why?" B'Elanna asked.

"I'm sure it's looking at me," James replied.

"But its dead," Craig said.

"Yeah, but it's eyes are still open," James said.

"Oh, is the scary drone scaring you?" Tom taunted. He knelt down next to the drone. Somebody kicked the drone and Tom jumped a mile. Everyone started laughing at him. Tom stood back up.

"You did that didn't you? You did that on purpose," Tom asked as he looked at James, who just grinned at him.

"No, I moved my foot by accident," James said sarcastically.

Is it just me or is Season Two far more random than Season One so far?

It's almost like I'm (still) writing the "jokes" as they pop into my head.

At first I was about to mark James again, only instead he was stealing Morgan's "eew dead bodies" flaw. Nope, just a prank bro.

Still doing it. James maybe many things but he's not morbid enough to tamper with the dead.

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls*** Count: 2

At least the name's getting shorter.

The door to her quarters was slightly open. Jessie stepped through the crack in the door. Danny was sitting, leaning against the wall. The glass table had half over turned and there was a large crack in the side of it.

"Who won?" Jessie asked as she knelt down beside Danny.

Blah blah prequels, I know, but this was the first time we saw Danny. She's already named as if we know her. siiiiiiiiiiigh

Though at least there's an attempt at a description and half decent Jessie line. Gotta pick your battles, I say.

Her hand moved over to pick up a few small books.

"What are they?" Jessie asked. Danny looked at each cover. She picked out the last one and she threw it to the side. She passed the other three to Jessie.

"Will you give them back to James, tell him that I picked up the wrong books when I went to borrow some other books," Danny replied.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I've remembered now where this is going. Spoilers, it looks a lot like this:

Tom has met his match.

Oh and one last thing; are there books involved Danny? You really need to be clearer.

"Well, I was on my way to my quarters when the power went dead. I sorta went into the wrong room. To be precise I went into yours. It was still dark and I kept crashing into things. One of those things was a chest of drawers. I found these. By the time I found my way to my own room and had a fight with the table, the lights came on. I forgot I still had these in my hands," Danny replied.

Replace "these" (and books in the previous quote) with underpants and this story makes sense.

"Diaries. One is from Year Eight, believe it or not. The other two are recent," Danny replied.

Yeah um, this review's already getting image heavy, but I gotta

Not really a retcon, but Danny's already full of s$$$ and she's not finished.

HOWEVER Year Eight means this is a diary from when James was (I think) 12-13 years old. So that means he brought his diaries with him to the Marquis ship AND thought to grab them when they evacuated it. Haha okay!

"You didn't read any did you?" Jessie asked. A guilty smile spread across Danny's face.

"I had to do something, didn't I. I was too curious," Danny replied.

What a great first impression! It's still better than Lilly and Emma's though. Not exactly a high bar I'll admit. Don't worry, I'll get there...

Jessie snatched the book Danny had thrown away. "I'll give this to him. Lets see how you like it," Jessie said angrily.

"Oh, don't tell him. He'll kill me," Danny said.

"That's the point," Jessie muttered as she flicked through the book Danny had thrown away. "Wait a sec, this is his too," Jessie said.

"I was saving it for later. It's this years diary, it was rather interesting," Danny said.

I didn't want to quote this much from this scene, but it's needed.

Wtf, Danny's a few lines old and she's earned herself a count. I hope this doesn't get anywhere because, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Danny Likes Watching James Sleep: 1

"I think he thinks of you more than a friend, Jessie dear," Danny said.

"Danny, stop trying to be more b****y than you already are," Jessie muttered.

This is the first time I've looked at this episode since the prequels were finished, so it's a little interesting as well as creepy. Spoilers for B4FV3. I'll make another red note when it's over. The last time we saw Danny, she and Jessie had finished a blazing row with Jessie basically blaming her for meddling in the breakup between her and James, ending with a GTFO. If you haven't read but want to know, well, the story is a tad more complicated than that. It'd be a shame to go deeply into it. Below is all you're getting, nasty nut shells.

Neither women or James were really the bad guy, it was just a sucky situation. Maybe Danny shouldn't have poked the Jessie bear, but she was right on a few James related points (and very wrong on the rest) throughout the season. James IMO definitely did the right thing in the end, but entirely the wrong way and the worst possible time and does deserve the anger he received. B4FV3 was pretty rough for him, and although its the cause of most of his f$$$ ups in the season, he's still gotta accept responsiblity for his actions (thankfully he did). Lastly Jessie, while sure has a good mind to be pissed at Danny for provoking her, it's not fair to blame Danny for what happened full stop. And lastly, Danny was 100% spot on about one particular thing. Jessie was far too infatuated, it made her blind to what was going on with James.

Spoilers end

So yeah, um with or without spoilers the fact that the first scene with Jessie and Danny is Danny playing matchmaker and Jessie responding icily in a "don't go there (again)" style comment, is funny whatever way you look at it. Especially:

"And that is what? That you are a nosey little cow?" Jessie asked.

Oh my. Maybe I'm misremembering. Maybe I did do some Season Two research before developing the B4FV3 plotline I badly described above. It makes sense that I'd look at this and think "yup, this story will work. Jessie's still pissed with her about something she meddled with."

"I think he still has a really big crush on you, and when I say big it is a huge under statement," Danny said.

"Don't be stupid, Danny, I'm not dense, I would of noticed it by now," Jessie muttered.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*deep breath*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh Jessie, sometimes you slay me.

Danny: "That's what James said LMAO"

Jessie: -_-

It's interesting though that Danny says still. And a little weird that Danny thought a Borg attack/power cut was the best time to call Jessie away from the bridge to tell her this news. Couldn't it have waited? I don't think Danny's problem is a broken leg.

anyhoo, who wants plot when you can have

Guess what. THIS SCENE CREATED ANOTHER NEW COUNTER, HALP

Playing With Your Dolls Again: 1

"No I don't, but let me tell you this, you have definitely annoyed the hell out of me. Even though I don't believe you I will not be able to look at him without thinking about what you said," Jessie said.

Seriously, I either got lucky or I did what any writer should do when writing a prequel; do my research. I'm not lucky but I'm still going to pick that as the most likely scenario.

Also I dunno what to say about Jessie's final sentence. First read made me think she meant things will be awkward, like she expected would happen and yep explains her insecurities all last season. Second I'm far more judgemental. If Danny is correct, James can't control who he gets a crush on. He can however control what he does about it and so far you've both been as bad as each other, PS lay off the drink (Marill says one episode before Love Spell lmao). I know it's awkward but he hasn't done anything but have his privacy violated by this new creepy weirdo we're supposed to believe is his friend. Yep be annoyed with Danny, I'd be, but don't start treating James differently.

Seven walked into the room and she almost collided with Lilly.

"Crewman, what is going on?" Seven asked.

Wait, what? Why did I think that earlier scene was a pre-death kind? I disappoint myself. Wait, crewman? Is Lilly so awesome she was given a Starfleet rank after a few episodes? Poor Harry had to wait until fanfiction before being relieved from Ensigndom

"What happened to my alcove?" Seven asked. Lilly glared at her.

"I didn't think you were this self centered. We've just been attacked by the Borg. Two main characters were assimilated, and Voyager was plunged into darkness. The only way for us to gain power was to get power from the back up power generator which was for some reason connected to your alcove. Is that all, your majesty," Lilly said sarcastically.

Hey! If anyone's going to exposition speechify Seven angrily, it's Morgan. Line stealer!

"Why is everyone so angry with me?" Seven asked.

"You're not in Third Voyager, anymore, you're in Fifth Voyager.

Oh fffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccc

Marill Re-Reads will be back after a few suicide attempts

 

I'm leaving you and your little cat suit too," Lilly replied, and she stormed off. Morgan walked up to Seven.

"What's eating her?" Morgan asked.

"I don't see anything eating her," Seven said.

"Oh geez, you don't even understand the term 'what's eating her.' Geez I'm leaving you and your little cat suit too," Morgan growled and she stormed off.

Oh I guess it has been a while since I stole someone elses joke.

Suddenly a convenient object fell from the upper level and it hit her in the head.

Don't care if it doesn't confirm, counting it.

Seven Dies Count: 1

In: "Geez, what's eating her?" B'Elanna asked.

In: "Oh god! Something's eating her, I'd better save her!" Craig bellowed.

Okay, fine. You think you're funny past Marill, huh, do ya huh? Well two can play at this game.

In: "Why is everyone on this ship so dense, it's a bloody term. I'm leaving you and your little PADD too!" B'Elanna yelled.

OMG I'VE ALREADY BEEN OUTMATCHED. QUICK, SOMEONE GIVE ME A JOKE TO STEAL 20 TIMES. I'LL PAY YOU IN PENNIES

In: "Hiya Jess, do you need a hand?" James asked.

In: "Oh god, a hand, you're going to cut your hand off!" Craig screeched.

HEY I'M SURE I CLICKED ON THROWN KEY PART 2, NOT THE THEY'LL LAUGH EVENTUALLY SHOW

Jessie hesitated for a second. "No, I think I'm okay, thanks anyway," Jessie muttered. She saw Danny holding up a sign that appeared from nowhere. It said 'you believe it.' Jessie snatched the sign off her and she hit Danny over the head with it.

Playing With Your Dolls Again: 2

In: "Oh come on Jess. I can't put up with Craig's brainless remarks and Tom's ramblings anymore," James moaned.

In: "Quit complaining, I managed to get us some more power while we travel to that planet," Tom said.

Oh yeah, there was supposed to be a plot somewhere in this twaddle. HOW COULD I FORGET

In: "So can I come down Jess?" James asked.

"Oh fine, I don't really see the point of it though," Jessie groaned.

In: "YES! We can get rid of James!" Tom blurted out. Suddenly Jessie and Danny heard a banging noise. It sounded like something heavy was thrown at somebody.

1) Jeez, making James needy during/after (I don't remember anymore) the crush news doesn't make this scene any easier to stomach.

*cough*

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls*** Count: 3

2) Yup, Jessie is already treating him differently and/or with contempt for something out of his control AND that she only has Danny's word that it's true. F$$$ that. The next few episodes are gonna be awkward as hell, I remember that much.

3) At least in the pits of this mess James is foreshadowing his ass off the best he can. Gotta have something. What's even happened so far in this part, it's a 1/3 of the way through?

In: "You'd better get out of the corridors, according to sensors there is an overload in deck five's power systems," Tom said.

"Can this day get any worse. Danny you'll have to limp faster," Jessie said.

"Are you insane?" Danny asked. A wall blew up in front of them, a fire started. The pair turned around and they went as quickly as they could in the other direction. Jessie was a lot further in front of Danny when the next wall exploded, they both didn't get away in time and they were both knocked to the deck.

Um, wtf?

WARNING; FORCED DRAMA ALERT

The room was very poorly lit due to the overload. The Doctor had his mobile emitter on as he was treating his patients. He saw two figures pushing their way through the door. He picked up a hypospray  and he walked closer to the door.

"Whoever you are, keep away, I'm armed," he said.

whut?

"Doc, calm down, it's only us," a familiar voice said. The Doctor picked up his torch and he shone it on the two figures. "Told you," Ian said.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

see, I can still overuse "jokes" too. Wait, you know this already? I'M SHOCKED

"I was on Deck Four and I ran into James. So I followed him to Sickbay," Ian replied.

"And it's been hell ever since," James muttered.

Heh

"There was a power overload, luckily somebody got rid of life support temporarily to put out the fires," the Doctor said.

no seriously whut?

"Oh god, is that Danny," Ian said and he ran over to the nearest bio bed. The Doctor and James followed him.

"If you want to know, Ensign, Jessie is on the other biobed, over there. Unfortunately she suffered the worse of the explosion," the Doctor said. He groaned when he saw Ian nearly crying over Danny.

Wow, why is everyone acting like a Marill today?

"Oh for crying out loud, she only twisted her ankle and inhaled too much smoke, she'll live since I treated her," the Doctor groaned. Ian stood up as James went over to the other bio bed.

"Thanks Doc, you're the best," Ian said and he hugged the Doctor.

Okay, maybe Ian's the only one who doesn't have his knickers in a twist. Theres still 2/3 of the episode to go though.

"I found her nearer the explosion's source, she was badly burned by the fire. Of course I can treat her but not now," the Doctor replied.

"Why not?" James asked.

ABANDON SHIP

too soon?

"Mr Paris, how did you get the comm link working here?" the Doctor asked.

In: "It doesn't matter, how is everyone?" Tom asked.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU IT MATTERS

LET ME GUESS, LILLY LOOKED AT IT AND IT STARTED WORKING

"Okay, thanks to my genius," the Doctor boasted. He heard someone clear his throat. He looked around, Danny & Ian were hugging each other and James was just looking at him. "Oh yeah, Jessie's still hurt, I need more power diverted to Sickbay," the Doctor said.

In: "Do I really want to do that?" Tom asked quietly.

Well yeah, she can't join in the fivesome (how could I forget to include Harry? I'm slipping) if she's dead. Duh!

"Doc, does breaking somebody's neck hurt?" James asked.

I get you're only saying that to give Tom a scare, but surely you'd know the answer to that. Being the expert on neck breaking and all.

I gotta compliment the ep for psychotic James already being around two episodes earlier than I thought.

so no, is the answer to my earlier question. It isn't

ABANDON SHIP

"Blasting a hole through the shuttle bay doors. Was it fun?" B'Elanna asked.

"A little. I had no choice. The power was dead in the shuttlebay so the doors wouldn't open," Tom said.

"But Tom, what if somebody walked into the shuttlebay? They would get sucked into space," B'Elanna said.

Okay I'm renaming this episode Bad Joke Timeloops And Stupid Questions, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. bwahahahahahhahaha

Meanwhile, in the Mess Hall:
"Neelix, there is a body floating in space!" Kiara yelled. Neelix rushed over.

"It's just Seven, Kiara," Neelix said. Everyone cheered and then they were sad. They didn't have the power to put on the disco lights and CD Player.

Jesus, that took far too long!

Seven Dies Count: 2

And so truly begins a glorious FV meme that IMO didn't get old. Thanks Dark Frontier, you're a peach.

Meanwhile, Marill's House:
"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Marill

NO

"I know, lets bring Seven back to life again so we can torture her more," Marill said.

Relish in it Marill, this is your first and last good idea.

The Doctor was finishing treating Jessie. He stood back.

"Another ingenious treatment performed," he boasted.

"Oh please," James groaned.

James is the only good/tolerable one in this episode. Apart from his dead body kicking, that was weird.

"Please what?" the Doctor asked. He walked away, more confused than ever before.

Ok scratch above. Thrown Key is now known as "Jokes Are Hard" Part 2.

"And I treated you, aren't I great?" the Doctor asked.

No, but don't worry, I'm isn't either.

"Yeah, this place sucks," Ian said.

"Sucks? Whatever," Danny muttered. They snuck out of Sickbay while the Doctor just sulked.

I didn't think Fifth Voyager could be written any more immaturely, but Thrown... *cough* "Jokes Are Hard" Part 2 thought, "challenge accepted."

Can someone please, PLEASE tell me what was the point of the Jessie and Danny are nearly blown up scenes. I'll wait.

And no I will not accept these answers:

1) To bloat the word count

2) Near death scenes=shipping pron

3) Ian didn't have an introduction scene

As they're most likely the truth, I like denial.

"Don't call me that. Anyway do you know where Commander Tuvok & Lieutenant Kim are?" Seven asked.

"They're on cube 184, it's the one which Korok is on," Axum replied.

I LIKE A SIDE OF CONVENIENCE WITH MY SHIPPING AND NO STORY, YUM YUM, FATTENING

"What about the virus?" Axum asked.

"We'll need a volunteer from my crew to distribute it," Seven said.

Danny

I'm annoyed with her already.

I'd suggest Lilly but the Borg would be unstoppable if they got her.

"Typical, the Doctor is the only one who sticks up for that Barbie cow," Tani muttered. Brannon Braga and Ken Biller appeared.

"Oooh, there's my girlfriend. How are you doing honey?" Brannon asked. Ken hit him on the head.

NO

Seven thought, "drat, he found out about my next boyfriend. I'll just pretend I don't know them."

"Who are you?" Seven asked. Brannon and Ken then threw themselves at her feet.

"Oh my true goddess. We are lost without you. Voyager has been finished for two months and we miss you," Brannon said.

Wait, why did I pick Kenneth Biller?

Serious question.

Oh for the Barbie and Ken joke. Of course, stupid Marill.

"Er.. it doesn't matter. It's going to be destroyed anyway, it's the last TNG movie," Brannon sneered. Marill screamed and she kicked Brannon where it hurts. He fell to the ground in agony. She then stepped on his head.

"Listen to me. If you guys even think about destroying the Enterprise E or bringing back Seven at all, you will regret it," Marill said in a threatening voice. Rick Berman appeared.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

but lol at Marill sounding threatening

All of the other Voyager writers appeared, except Jeri Taylor.

"What are you guys doing here?" B'Elanna asked.

I NEVER WILL GET AN ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION

"We're attempting to get rid of Voyager fanfiction series' that are more interesting than original Voyager," Rick replied.

"And you've chosen Fifth Voyager?" Tani asked.

"Our goddess is mistreated here. Secondly your series is probably going to go much further than the original," Joe Menosky said.

L-O-F$$$$$$$$$$$$-L

BEST DAMN JOKE IN THE SERIES, RIGHT THERE

OH PAST MARILL YOU COMEDIC GENIUS YOU

"Yeah, we're going to get Virtual Voyager next. A lot of things that aren't suppose to happen are probably going to happen in that, plus that series might go far too," Robin Burger said. Raichu, Firera & Charizard appeared.

WHO??

I'm serious

WHO?

"Kill him! He's the Fair Haven writer!" Raichu yelled. Everyone but the Third Voyager writers, Tom, the Doc and Seven charged at him. A few minutes later he was lying dead on the floor.

oh

ok

"This is getting out of hand. This was only suppose to be a five minute scene," Lilly muttered.

"I agree totally," Marill said. She stepped off Brannon and she quickly wrote something on her notepad. Suddenly the original writers disappeared.

Yes I agree totally and that's why I'd delete the scene.

But no it's still here.

 

ok

The Shuttle Bay:
The writers appeared there. There was still a gaping hole in the shuttle bay doors. The writers were pulled through it.

The Mess Hall:
"Neelix, there's loads of dead bodies outside," Naomi said. Neelix and Kiara walked up to the window.

"It's just the original writers," Neelix said. Everyone cheered. This time they had power to have disco lights.

I SAID "ok" OKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY

The Queen versus Poster scene is the only good bit, isn't it?

"What you'll have to do is beam to the cube from a dodgy shuttle," B'Elanna said.

That's it. I'm done

Wtf is a dodgy shuttle?

"I think we want to be as far away from Unimatrix Zero Parts One & Two as possible," B'Elanna said.

CONGRATULATIONS, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

"Once you've beamed aboard, we'll go into Unimatrix Zero," Tom said.

"How do you plan to do that?" Seven asked.

"It's easy tart face. There is about four ex Borg Drones on this ship, not including you of course. We can easily give them the mutation," Lilly replied.

ohsnap

"Great. Two more things. One, we need at least three main characters to be on the Bridge. Two, where is Jessie, James and our Before Fifth Voyager main characters?" B'Elanna asked. Right on cue, Jessie, James, Danny, Faye, Claire, Ian, Lisa & Lee walked into the room.

Pretty much sums up the whole of Jokes Are Hard Part Two, doesn't it?

Apart from that hilarious FV is going far joke. It's even funnier in hindsight.

"Can I be the Captain?" Danny asked.

"No, I am going to be the Captain," Claire said.

"Why can't I be the Captain," Lee moaned.

"Guys, they've offered to guard the ship while you go into Unimatrix Zero," Jessie said.

"That's great, too bad you're coming along too," Tom said.

I... I dunno what's happening.

"Anyway, if you think you're in too much danger, just pull yourself out and then go back in," the Doctor said.

"I think I prefer the pull yourself out bit," James said.

*waits for Danny comment and/or dirty lol*

"Wimp," Tom muttered.

Oh come on! Is Danny's only personality trait creepy stalker/shipper?

So not only did you miss the perfect joke opportunity to showcase one of Danny's gimmicks, you had to give us one last (hopefully) James is a coward bit? As Morgan would put it, go duck yourself.

"Wimp," Tom muttered. He ducked as a heavy piece of equipment was thrown at him. It hit Seven instead.

"Meh, good enough," James muttered. 

But then again, WE'VE GOT A TWO-FER

Seven Dies Count: 3

James Kill Count: 1

James once more throws something that's heavy. We get it foreshadowing, stop hitting me. It stops being subtle if you keep using the same wor...fds5twfdsrdsfvfc

sgsfgsrt4r5v52 v

9uhp09g7854

Ow, where am I? What's this?

"I need my Cherry Coke, I can't fight well when I'm not angry and/or hyper. And as you can see I'm not angry and/or hyper," Morgan said.

Oh, this must be my diary. Why am I reviewing it and where's my paracetamol?

"There was. The Queen assimilated it so she could get the recipe for it," Seven said.

"Why would the Borg want the recipe for Cherry Coke?" Triah asked.

Oh finally, the episode's picking up. I think!

Some drones were in their alcoves and they were being fed Cherry Coke instead of that energy stuff they usually have. They sprang awake. They had silly grins on their faces. "Go into Unimatrix Zero," the Queen said. The drones giggled in response and they clumsily stepped back into their alcoves. "Now that they're hyper they will be more ruthless," the Queen cackled.

Nyeh

at least it's plot related, and actually planned

"Great, what about the virus?" Axum asked.

"I'll be going on a Borg Cube to distribute it then I'll be back here to fight," Seven said.

"Er.. is this a good time to tell you that we were in involved?" Axum asked.

Of course, this is Fifth Shade of Grey Part 2 isn't it?

but seriously, now don't kiss?

"No but who cares," Seven replied.

"Yeah, lets make out before you go," Axum said.

"Cool," Seven said. At that moment Marill took the notepad off Charizard and she cut the scene off immediately to spare us a trip to a sick bucket.

For once, past and present Marill are on the same wave length. Eeew

Acting Captains Log Stardate 54319.6: All of the main characters except the bossy cow Janeway, the monkey

WAIT JUST A GOD DAMN MINUTE

WHO IS ACTING CAPTAIN

IT'S LILLY ISN'T IT? DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. JUST LOOK AT THIS S^%^$

Acting Captains Log Stardate 54319.6: All of the main characters except the bossy cow Janeway, the monkey Chakotay, the bar rodent Neelix, the Barbie B**ch Seven, the baldy Doctor, the cute kid Kiara and the annoying cute kid Naomi, are preparing themselves to enter Unimatrix Zero to fight against hyper Borg drones. Me and the B4 Fifth Voyager characters are taking command of Voyager, cool huh? Lisa is at the moment trying to free the bossy cow and the monkey from the bossy cow's quarters, hopefully they will go into Unimatrix Zero coz I luv this command chair. The Barbie B**ch is on the Borg Cube trying to distribute the virus, lets hope she gets killed horribly.

That's probably the most painful paragraph I've ever gotten so far and refused to read part way through.

And I've read My Immortal.

Die in a fire Fake Lilly

"I'm not a fair kind of guy, besides in Upendi the youngest was in command and she commanded the ship well," Tom said.

STOP, YOU CANNOT BEAT THE FIFTH VOYAGER IS GOING TO DO BETTER THAN ORIGINAL VOYAGER JOKE, SO DON'T EVEN TRY

"Anyway Morgan is different, command is in her blood, Claire is not much of a control freak," Ian said.

Wait

That wasn't Lilly doing the log. It was Claire? I stopped reading it around the "Me and B4FV characters" part and assumed she wasn't one.

That's somehow worse.

"Step into the alcoves," the Doctor said. The five Borg crewmembers stepped into the available alcoves. The Doctor placed a medical thingy on their necks.

noteventrying

"Good, Morgan will be connected with Craig. Emma will be connected with Tani. Lilly will be connected with Jessie. Triah will be connected with Seven. Unfortunately I'll be connected with James," Tom said.

Yeah, "unfortunately"

You're not fooling anyone Tommy

"I'm not having Seven!" Triah moaned.

"Fine, I'll be connected with her, I suppose it's better than James," Tom said.

Ok now he is. Very convincing

And insulting too.

"It's time. Oh and don't forget, whoever you're connected with you will hear their thoughts so don't think of anything personal or insulting. And when I say insulting I'm looking at you Tom," the Doctor said.

I must've missed the part in Unimatrix Zero where Seven had a hankering for coffee and Janeway was picking 24/26 episodes of Season Seven for her to hog. No wonder she flips out with a batleth.

This is clearly an intended retcon to abuse the new thoughts are written gimmick and this:

The crewmembers appeared in the lush forest. Everyone's clothes had changed. Of course they all had a weapon handy. Emma had her chainsaw and she also had a knife in her pocket. Triah and Morgan had taken a liking to batleths so they both had one each. Everyone else had a knife and a small phaser in their pockets.

Oh thank god, I didn't imagine editing this paragraph down.

YAY

I'll still say it though NOBODY CARES WHAT THEY'RE WEARING

"Less talk more killing!" Emma screamed. She ran after a Borg drone. She and the drone disappeared around the corner. All that they could hear was a chainsaw and a lot of screaming.

Oh yeah you've probably noticed. Season Two is a very violent season.

I can't really blame the problems I had through it as they hadn't happened yet, and Season One isn't a Disney film no matter how much it tries either.

"The Queen has gone nuttier that usual. She hates all individuals, she won't stop until she's destroyed all individual life," Axum said.

"Then it's simple, we kill the Queen," Jessie said.

Yeah I thought I should comment on this but my head's blank(er than usual).

"Conveniently only drones who don't have the mutation die in real life when they die here. Maybe we can lure the Queen here," Axum said.

Whut?

This is wrong on so many levels. How is Seven supposed to increase her death count if these are the rules? BOOOOOO!

"The Captain. The Queen hates her guts. If the Captain came here she would definitely come," Tom said.

"But how can we get the Captain here? She's locked up in her quarters?" Seven asked.

OH GOLLY, NOW THAT IS A HUMDINGER

The Queen for some reason had a Janeway poster and she was glaring at it. She suddenly started attacking it. A few hyper drones just laughed at her as they went into their alcoves.

Blink and you miss this gem. Shame

For comparisons sake, Season Five's tribute to it (no spoilers there, as long as you keep to the scene in question which is literally the first thing you see anyway)

The Queen stopped attacking the poster which looked a bit tattered now. "Why isn't she with the others? I want to destroy her once and for all, bwahahahahahaha!" the Queen laughed. A few hyper drones joined in with the laughter.

Crazy Suzanna Queen was criminally underused. fact.

Some innocent woman was being chased by a hyper drone. Suddenly a batleth was thrown at it and it landed in the drone's back. It fell to the ground and it disappeared. Morgan ran out of the bushes and she picked up her batleth.

"This is so fun," Morgan said, she had the biggest grin on her face imaginable.

Ohhh now Morgan batleths things like mother like daughter. Too little too late

Tom thought, "she's nuts."

Seven thought, "she's irrelevant, I'll have to destroy her."

foreshadowing and slight snicker

Axum thought, "she's gorgeous, she's a much nicer Barbie Girl than Annika."

Morgan walked over and she slapped him hard in the face.

"Quit staring at me, bozo," she said. She suddenly spotted another Borg drone and she started chasing it. The drone giggled and it turned around and knocked her out with it's arm. She disappeared.

No time for garbage gif. Morgan goes down like a chump only for plot convenience

Lisa was almost ripping her hair out. The door just wouldn't open. It was jammed. She had even tried beaming the pair out of there but it didn't work. She saw Morgan running up to her.

Oh finally Morgan'll knock the door down or something. It's Season Two for god........

"Watch and learn," Morgan said. She pulled out three Creature Balls. She threw them to the ground.

"Morgan thought that was better than trying to open the door," Lisa replied. Morgan ran back out drinking a bottle of Cherry Coke.

"Come on guys, we have to get into Unimatrix Zero," Morgan said. She grabbed Kathryn's arm and she ran down the corridor dragging Kathryn with her.

OH, THAT'S WHY MORGAN WAS KO'D LIKE A TOM. SHE CAN'T BEAT THEM WITHOUT DRINKING THE SAME JUICE THEY DO

Anyway, insert annoying Bridge scene with B4FV/prequel crew only here. If this episode was their tester episode in modern times, they wouldn't have lasted the episode. But since this is 2001 all six pass, they're awesome yay

Tani, Tom, Jessie and James saw Seven running through the woods screaming extremely loudly. They followed her with their eyes with a bewildered expression on their faces. This was followed by the sound of a chainsaw. Emma suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She had the criminally insane grin on her face. She laughed her hyper laugh at them and she continued to run in Seven's direction

Yay, I'll get my counter copied

"Er.. Emma, you can't kill Seven," James said. Tom, Jessie and Tani stared angrily at him. Emma stopped running and stared at him too. Seven stopped as well, and she looked hopeful.

fffs

it's a joke, surely. This entire episode is, just not a very funny one

"What's your problem? I'd prefer to kill Seven personally," James said.

Come on James, she's died like 3 times already and you were the cause of 1 of them. Share, don't be greedy

Tom, Tani, Jessie and James gaped in horror as they saw Emma cutting Seven up. 

Seven Dies Count: 4

Tom and Tani heard what sounded like two people falling to the ground. Tom groaned. Jessie and James had fainted. Seven, or what left of her, disappeared.

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls*** Count: 4

"Oh, they're firing back, that's no fun," Lee moaned.

"What did you expect? 'Oh that ship is attacking us, lets just sit here and let them beat the crap out of us. Maybe we should give them some chocolates'," Ian said sarcastically.

Okay, fine. Ian would probably pass the newbie test. But that's it

"Do you think so?" Lee asked.

"Think what?" Claire asked.

"Do you think they'll give us chocolates?" Lee asked.

I'd laugh if these types of jokes hadn't been done to death, revived and done to death again all throughout this bloody half of the episode. We get it, everyone is too stupid for sarcasm and don't get sayings and junk.

I actually like Lee the most out of the prequel lot. Danny was a good addition eventually, but yeah Lee wins by default for his one track food mind.

Anyway 

Suddenly, by accident of course, a copy of the Yellow Pages was thrown at his head. He collapsed.

"Where did that come from?" Claire asked as she looked at Faye.

"I collect em," Faye said.

Oh very late trivia time, this stupid yellow pages bit reminded me I should've done this during each of their introductions

Danny: Was inspired by the Vulpix persona, you know the writer who shows up the least. Shipping mad, dirty minded and a bit eccentric.

Ian: Hahahahaha, the only thing I remember in his inspiration was that he was meant to be Danny's boyfriend and because of that her polar opposite.

Claire: Only added because of the actress I picked, to appease one of few readers I had who was a big fan of her. Her personality was never really consistent or anything. I just wrote her in a way that I thought that said reader would like, and likely failed.

Lee: Originally was a weapons nut/collector and had an insatiable appetite. Wasn't really inspired by anything. The weapons part of him was dropped like a stone, thankfully as the FV crew are violent enough. Unfortunately he was picked by an obviously ignorant little brat to be the gay one, as I figured there should be, who never got out of the closet. Of course that meant he had to go clothes shopping inbetween his 10 meals during the time travel episode. Classy Marill.

Lisa: Simply, we needed a wannabe maneater cos FV didn't have one. Cough.

Faye: Be prepared to laugh. She's supposed to be me. Yep. The Marill persona was always a bit OTT to be me, I think that was the point. Faye is proof of that. For some reason she was picked to be in episodes more often *shrug* despite my hatred of myself. It's very weird how Faye was done. Luckily I thought it was too obvious for her to star in later episode Why oh Why, thank f$$$$ nogod. Not that it helped hold off the backlash the episode caused.

ANYWAY

Apparently I wanted to show I collected some sort of junk but too chicken to say what. It's Puppy In My Pockets by the way, I did have her admit/show this later. I wonder if they still make them.hmmm

"I hate to interrupt but the Borg ship is hailing, audio only, and I need to remember to sue the Yellow Pages company. Those things hurt," Lee said as he rubbed his head.

"Open a channel," Claire asked.

"I can't," Lee said.

"Why not?" Ian asked.

"The Yellow Pages went bust centuries ago....

IT'S NOT JUST ME, IS IT?

THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS JUST ONE BAD JOKE, THE SAME KIND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Oh hang on, I've found Thrown Key's plot template:

Character 1: comment

Character 2: OMG comment taken literally

Character 1: stupid insult and explains comment

Seven: *dies*

Character 2: still confused cos they're a dumbs$$$

James: Hey guys I've lost track. Am I foreshadowing Resistance in this scene or...

Jessie: *FLAW NUMBER #*

James: *promptly copies and pastes*

Danny: I "ACCIDENTALLY" STOLE JAMES' UNDERWEAR WHILST RUMMAGING THROUGH HIS DRAWERS(sorryboutthat, total accident), THEY HAVE I HEART JESSIE WRITTEN ON THEM. THEY SMELL GOOD. NOW KISS

(Optional: some plot. Make sure it's only a few lines long)

Character 3: comment

"Kathryn, how can you kill the Borg Queen? She'll be a lot stronger than you," Chakotay said.

"He's right, I have a better chance of winning because I'm younger, I'm a Slayer and I'll have a batleth," Morgan said.

What's a Slayer, is that some sort of Pokémon?

Surely in this explanation you'd open with that Morgan.

Though at this point in the series you'd be thinking why does someone who knows how to play Pokémon have a better chance of killing the Borg Queen than Captain Janeway? Season Two had enough of this crap and thought "I'm canonising (and retconning Timeline's version) what Slayers are with no explanation or build up", SHUT UP AND LIKE IT

"I must agree Captain, if you get hurt in Unimatrix Zero you'll get hurt here. Morgan won't because she has the mutation," B'Elanna said.

"Since when?" Kathryn asked.

I KNOW RITE

"Since Lian reprogrammed the factory thing, it had a similar frequency to Unimatrix Zero," Morgan replied.

"The others?" Chakotay asked.

"Seven adjusted their implants," the Doctor replied.

"So if they get hurt there, they'll get hurt here too," Kathryn said.

"Like we've said earlier in the episode only Morgan, Tani & Seven will be actually safe in there," the Doctor said.

Um, whut?

1) When did that happen?

2) How does reprogramming the factory give Morgan the Unimatrix Zero mutation?

3) You're just making this s$$$ up so Morgan can fight, aren't you?

4) Of course you are

5) I mean DUH

6) Tani too?

7) Seven is one of the few that's safe? IDONTLIKETHISEPISODE

The fight was starting to get uglier than a Phage infected Kazon, if that is actually technically possible. The drones had gone criminally insane.

Kathryn, Chakotay, Morgan, Craig, Seven & Tom appeared. Morgan had her batleth again, Kathryn had two long knives and Chakotay had a phaser rifle and a knife.

Hahahhahahahahaha

This is Season Two's "describe Morgan's outfit" isn't it? What are we armed with.

Why are Janeway and Chakotay armed with close range weapons? Answers on a carrier Pidgey please.

"Captain Janeway," the Queen growled in unspeakable rage.

OHYEAH IT'S ON

"Lieutenant Paris, Lieutenant Anderson, Seven of Nine," the Queen said. She looked at Tani, Jessie and James. "Five of Six, Eight of Nine, Nine of Nine, how nice to see you again," the Queen said.

LOL

I know I commented on Morgan having a designation being utterly stupid, but here we are again with James and Jessie having one. Jessie, hmmm maybe??? but James should have the same reasons as to why he shouldn't as Morgan does and that's no flipping spoiler.

"Individuality, it's irrelevant," the Queen muttered.

"She's starting to sound like my mother," James muttered.

Susy Taylor talks like a Bor....

Wait Suzanna Queen. OMG WHAT A TWIST

Emma started fiddling with her chainsaw. A giggling drone stole it and he started to fiddle with it. The Queen snatched it off the drone who then started to cry.

"This weapon is primitive," the Queen muttered. Somehow she snapped it in half.

pfft, what a show off

"This won't take very long," the Queen said. Suddenly two knives appeared in her hands. "Maybe we should fight fair for a change."

siggggggggh

I know she's insane but the idea that the Queen would fight Janeway hand to hand, let alone having a dual knife fight with her, is flipping hilarious.

"Too late shields are down. Hull breach on Deck 14," Lee said.

OOPH THAT WAS TOO CLOSE

The rest of the crew in Unimatrix Zero had no choice but to watch the battle between the Captain and the Borg Queen.

You mean like I have no choice but to have that fourth cup of coffee before dinner time. Yeah what a bummer.

What happens next is quite a detailed fight scene for old school FV, but I'm a negative nancy so:

The Queen then stabbed her in the stomach with Kathryn's own knife. She disappeared. Everyone gaped in horror when they saw what happened.

Morgan suddenly screamed in rage and she hit the two drones who were standing next to her. She stole her batleth off another drone and she used it to kill the drone.

The Queen just stood and watched as Morgan walked up to her.

OMG SO TENSE, MUCH NAIL BITING

They stood for about five minutes just staring at each other. The Queen was just smiling evilly and Morgan was just plain angry.

JUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Screw it, Season Two+ needs its Muttered Count equivalent.

Just A Little Bit More Count: 4

I don't think it's a good idea to count all uses of the word. The word's fine, but for curiousity sake Thrown Key Part 2's overall count is: 48. Woah nelly. Don't panic, muttered is still the reigning champion. I'll only mark it if I spot it, and boy I spot it a lot.

"I thought that.. oh to hell with it!" Ian exclaimed. He knelt down. "Danny, will you marry me," he said. Claire went over to the science console and she started to head butt it repeatedly.

"You're proposing now!" Danny yelled.

Oh the irony

The Queen knocked the batleth out of Morgan's hand. The Queen attempted to hit her with the batleth. Morgan was quick enough to avoid it. The Queen kept trying to hit her. Morgan kicked her in the leg and while she had stopped for a few seconds, Morgan did a quick cartwheel, while she did that she picked up her batleth. She quickly ran back to the Queen and stabbed her in the side. After a few seconds she collapsed. All of the drones stopped in their tracks. Morgan just threw away her batleth when the Queen and the drones disappeared.

.....

At least it's a fight scene. Right guys?

Guys? *echo*

I am curious though, is there a sentence missing? Second/maybe third read through of this paragraph for reboot purposes, I notice the Queen has the bat'leth when Morgan kicks her in the leg, which the text says only puts the Queen off. Morgan then cartwheels to pick up a bat'leth, which was last described as being used to swing at her. Now I think the cartwheel is Power Rangers OTT to just collect a dropped bat'leth, but she didn't even drop it. Fight scenes are still not my forte but... yikes. It could be worse folks!

Everyone cheered. Chakotay and Craig walked over to Morgan. Chakotay hugged her, as everyone else celebrated. Craig noticed Morgan had a huge cut on the side of her face.

"Morgan, you're hurt," he said. Morgan and Chakotay stopped hugging and she felt her own face. She removed her hand from her cheek and she saw blood on it.

Wow haha, who misses a huuuuge cut on someone's face?

Also, when did get Morgan get hit in the face?

Off screen gotcha.

So I'm assuming there's a point to drawing attention to this, instead of describing her injured briefly and moving on.

hahaha

"By the way Morgan, how did you do that?" Craig asked.

"Do what?" Morgan asked.

"When you were doing that cartwheel you managed to pick up the batleth, how did you do that?" Craig asked.

Oh right. Yeah. I was a little embarrased writing this part of the fight, I remember that. So to remedy that I drew attention to it and explained it. Okkaay???

"Meh, piece of cake for a Games Slayer," Morgan replied.

"Well then you must be the coolest Games Slayer there is," Craig said. Morgan hugged him.

Again guys. guys. Games Slayers have not been mentioned, I think, for half a season. And then they were only hinted/described as being talented Pokémon trainers. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the Slayer stuff being fleshed out but come on! We still haven't separated natural ones with volunteer/wannabes, so without any context or anything we're left to assume Marill's going to beat some fools while doing some flippy s$$$ sometime soon as well.

Now that's a funny image

"Thanks," was all that Morgan could say.

I do like Morgan's awkward response, or rather the description making it awkward, to Craig's fanboying.

In: "Hiya Jess, nobody would of guessed that we started as best friends, hehe!" Danny laughed.

Danny's just gotten engaged and she's still matchmaking. Jesus

Playing With Your Dolls Again: 3

Captains Log Stardate 54320.2: It has taken two weeks to repair the ship after it's recent fight with the Borg. Unimatrix Zero is still around and the resistance is taking over every Borg ship it can get it's hands on. As far as we can tell the Borg Collective has been destroyed for the time being, we've all seen First Contact, another Queen may replace the old one.

Oh yeah. This was done this way so FV could completely ignore the likes of Endgame. So all in all, the Queen one on one fight was a necessary silly evil.

The Doctor was finishing taking off the last of Seven's facial implants. He gave her a mirror. He then walked over to Morgan and Tani, who's facial implants had also been removed.

lol

Two things

1) Seven was meant to die for good in one of the Thrown Key parts, I think Part 2. The C/7 stuff was a clear inspiration for keeping her around for punishment. It's how I always remembered it.

2) Morgan and Tani were supposed to be helped by the Borg Resistance so they were a lot less mechanical, separating mainly Morgan further than Seven. Keeping Seven around meant there was no reason not to do this for her, ruining the point but whatever.

Of course like everything in Part 2, the plot's mostly non existant and things happen with little to no explanation. If there is one it's very stupid. I dunno, this bugs me as I remember more to it than just a random ending scene of the ex Borgs being cured with no mention of it beforehand.

Also Jessie made a big deal in Collective Instinct that she still had technology on her as well. Where is she (and James)? And I assume Harry and Tuvok were instantly healed and sent on their way, right? Oh right, did we forget about that already

"Hiya Morgan, Tani, you both look great," Craig said. Seven cleared her throat. "Dream on, Seven," Craig muttered. Seven groaned.

OH SNAP

I remember when Craig was desperate enough to include Seven in his PADD list. Oh how quickly things change.

"Are you coming, Craig?" Morgan asked.

"No, I've got no one to go with, unless you're still going," Craig said.

"It's a date," Morgan said and she walked out of Sickbay, Craig quickly followed her.

oh god, don't encourage him

"Doctor I was thinking, maybe I could change my name back to Annika," Seven said.

"That's sounds good, but I think you should speak to the Captain about that," the Doctor said.

What?

She needs Janeway's permission?

Lolnope, I hearby rename you as Pain In My Ass. No takebacks

"Thank you, Doctor," Seven said and she kissed him on the cheek. Then she left the room.

God, Thrown Key can't have anymore name changes. Oh well.

Who's next for the Shipping Wars? I can hazard a pretty easy guess.

"Yes you do," Danny said.

"No I don't," Jessie said.

Nailed it

"Er.. I lost track, what's this all about?" Ian asked.

"If you tell him I'll break your neck," Jessie said.

"Jess, I've already told him. Ian, don't you remember me saying something about diaries?" Danny asked.

Um, something about you being a creepy weirdo reading a 12 year old's diary. That does ring a bell.

"Why?" Danny and Ian asked at the same time.

"I hate weddings," Jessie replied.

Holy Count metre reversal Batman

OMG ME TOO! Jessie's Out Of Character Copycatting Count: 1

James is the anti-marriage one. Keep the f$$$ up!

"I don't know, I'm not interested in wedding stuff either," James replied.

"You're both as bad as each other," Danny muttered.

See!!!

It must be tru wuv, or something

groan

"Oh Jessie, don't get drunk again, you know what happened last time, or rather the time before that," Danny said and she winked at them both.

"Did Tom show everyone that video from that episode?" Jessie asked.

Oh Jessie, we all know the answer to that

"Nah, they're like twins, they're too similar now," Ian said.

Eeew

this is even eeewer in prequel hindsight. Gross Ian

"They're not related, that's the juicy part of it," Danny said.

My E and W keys are wearing out. My caps lock died a long time ago.

"But don't you have to be a couple to go on that ride?" Jessie asked.

"Yeah but what does those dumb holograms know. We're just going to pretend," Morgan replied.

um

how exactly?

don't answer that

"We'll meet you there in five minutes, we've just ordered drinks," James said.

"Cool, see you later," Morgan said and she and Craig walked off.

"You'll have to find someone to go with, I'm not going on that thing," Jessie said.

OMG THE JAMES/JESSIE SHIP HAS SUNK, ITS TOO LATE FOR THE LIFEBOATS, EVERYONE FOR THEMSELVES

"I know but, what if that sly Tom sees us, he'll think the wrong thing," Jessie said.

"Hey, since when did you care what he thought?" James asked.

Hahaha, that kind of comment from either of James and Jessie to the other always tickles me. Anyone watching me typing and sniggering, and its not one of these reviews (if it is you'll see me headdesk more often) you know why.

Don't get me wrong, the statement is sometimes true... it depends on the subject.

"Please, or I'll set the puppy dog look onto you," James said.

Uhhuh

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls*** Count: 5

James doesn't think he's cute or is capable of pretending to be. Jessie doing this would be a stretch.

STOP TRYING TO FORCE EVERY CHARACTER INTO A SHIPPY SCENE, DARK HELMET'S EVEN GETTING BOARD PLAYING WITH HIS DOLLS

"Great, lets go and meet the other two," James said and he held his arm out. Jessie just laughed and she put her arm around his. They both walked off towards the ride.

J/C CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR SHIPPY MOMENT BACK

I SWEAR, IT'S NEAR INDENTICAL TO THE LUAU MOMENT

James/Jessie can do shippy s$$$ just fine on their own, they don't need to steal. Oh well..

IT'S OVER HURRAY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Score:

As mentioned I'll be tweaking the scoring system so I can rank the episodes better at the end. It's pretty straight forward and fairly similar to before. Obviously there's the positives and negatives, that's the same, but if for example there's a truly awful moment I'll make a note that I'm giving it more points, like so: (2). Same goes for positive. Otherwise each comment earn or lose the episode 1 point.

The total score will be worked out like so:
(100 / total number of points good or bad) x positive points = %

Why this way? The Season One system was a bit iffy with its ?/10 system. Each episode started with 10 points (perfect), would have the negative issues take at least a point off, and any positives would push it back up. The 10 limited it a little as I couldn't have -1/10 or 12/10. An episode with 16 negatives and 4 positives would get the same score as a 10 negatives but 0 positives episode. How is that fair? It's not.

This new way should work fine and the beauty of it is, apart from some red numbers occasionally this shouldn't be any different for you, the readers. Its just muggins here who has to do things differently :) Let's see if it works first though, ha!

Negatives:

1) One half of the cliffhanger is resolved immediately in a rushed paragraph.

2) The episode spends an awful lot of time doing misunderstandings "jokes", I imagine half of the dialogue is this.

3) Screw the half interesting cliffhanger with the Borg attacking and crippling Voyager, having new character Danny play matchmaker with Jessie and James is more interesting.

4) What was the point of the overload scene?

5) Yes the B4FV newbies needed to be introduced, but the episode spends too much time with them needlessly. And they are not very good.

6) The hearing the characters thoughts gimmick was completely pointless, barring Tom's contradicting one about Jessie ragging on him. Not worth it, especially when the reboot does a far better job of showing the exact same thing with actual dialogue.

7) Adding onto the thoughts complaint, the retcon with anyone having their minds bridged with a Borg crewmember to enter Unimatrix Zero was not only well a retcon, but was for nothing. Nothing happened with it.

8) All of the Borg crewmembers happened to have the mutation so they could do this.

9) Probably thanks to the rubbish before, the plot's rushed and/or destroyed. The Borg Queen suddenly has to die because she hates individuals? Okay?

10) The writers bit. Need I say more?

11) The episode is needlessly OTT violent. Everyone's angry and rude for no reason. The former at least is an issue with Season Two as a whole but started here (yes I know Season One had its moments too).

12) Both Part 1 and 2 don't take advantage of the "thrown key" aspect of the story. When they need Janeway Morgan busts them out in a few lines and that is that. J/C's tension in Part 1 is forgotten about as well, giving this the season's first extra points: (2)

13) The second part of the cliffhanger, ie Tuvok and Harry's assimilation, is ignored completely. You'd be forgiven for forgetting all about it, I did when I read this (and wrote it, it seems). There's no follow through either once they're retrieved. It's even more insulting that there's even a scene of Morgan getting her Borg implants removed, so it's not like there was a "time" issue. They just weren't important enough.

14) Lilly is super awesome and we must bow before her. I'm like a broken mp3 here but this is far more annoying because Lilly herself is not right. Kidz Trek Lilly is deeply flawed; yes rude, eccentric and intelligent like she is here, but people find that annoying and she lacks the common sense to be seen as smart. Also she's more accidentally blunt than rude, you know because of her royal roots. She's also very impulsive, which gets her and the ship into trouble. Lilly is not meant to be a perfect snowflake that saves the day all the time. Nor is she meant to be a mad J/C shipper with fourth wall knowledge. Everything about this is frustrating to me.

15) Why is Danny looting James' diaries? Why is she so creepy? Why does she not jump on the obvious rude joke? Why does she seem so forced? grumble

16) I'm okay with the fact that I was trying to get out of my EEW WRITING SHIPPING SCENES ARE GROSS mindset, but Thrown Key Part 2 tries way, wayyyyyy too hard. None of it really has anything to do with what happens in the episode. The pairing that should've been used weren't (J/C).

Sub-total: 17

Positives:

1) At first I enjoyed the banter in the first scene. As usual dragging it out ruins it.

2) James continues to be a violent asshole, so in two episodes time certain events won't seem as abrupt as I remembered.

3) The Seven Dies gag begins and I love it

4) Borg Queen Vs Janeway Poster is the most epic showdown of the millennium

5) I complain a bit but the fight scenes with the Queen and the Janeway gals actually have some detail within, and even though I'm not keen on it, I'll commend that it was done at all. Especially with how lazy the episode is.

Sub-total: 5

Marill's Score: 23%

See, this would've been a 0/10 on the old system. While bad, Thrown Key 2 won't be as terrible as Return of Third and Atamit, and shouldn't be marked the same. I'm glad I changed it. Oh and using this system for Season One, Part 1 would've narrowly beaten Part 2 with a less than impressive 25% score.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Counter Results:

New season, some new counts but the system's pretty much the same. Before I start there's a few counters I've eliminated;

Exclaimed: This was mostly a Season One thing, but was edited mostly to extinction during the original reboot over a decade ago. I assume muttered was the popular word to replace it.

Mottos: I think/hope Season Two starts to kill this stupid gimmick off. My guard's not let down though, I bet there are more to come (that aren't edited prequel ones anyway and them I let off).

Okaydoke. Let's get started then;

Muttered Count: 61

Sexist Crap Count: 3

Jessie's Sin Points: +2

Morgan the Sue Count: 3*

*I did forget to keep track of this, and it's not the first time. Reasons for the points are Morgan suddenly having the mutation and so safe to fight the Queen (+1). The really iffy way the I'M DA SLAYER explained away why she was able to do s$$$ and I'm sure the series hasn't mentioned these abilities before. Sure it was planned but it comes off Sueish (+1). Even Axum is lusting after her now, gross (+3).

Seven Dies Count: 4

James Kill Count: 1

Lilly Ex Machina: 1

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls***: 5

Just A Little Bit More: 4

Playing With Your Dolls Again: 3

Danny Likes Watching James Sleep: 1

Phew that's excessive. I did go a bit bonkers but that's because Thrown Key Part 2 was pretty terrible. I'll decide during Love Spell which one(s) of the newbies should be kept. It'll probably be the last two that'll go.

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