Marill Re-Reads "The Love Spell"

Oh god I am not looking forward to this one.

First things first, some back story: The Love Spell was originally an episode of a different Voyager fanfic series, apparently inspired by an episode of Charmed. I think. Feel free to correct me, and then give me a slap. This fanfic series wasn't one of the many mentioned on this site in my History section. No, it was planned and written by someone else entirely. Marill apparently thought the idea was super funny and it was okay to steal it as she was the copymouse queen... ok that insult was funnier in my head. Anyhooo. Ignoring or more likely not noticing the many issues with an episode with the plot simply being "people make out against their will", went ahead with it and decided it also was "epic" enough to kick off not one, but two Season Two story arcs. One of which was extremely important, ie series lore related. Super! Now Love Spell not only exists but it is cemented into the series and will have to be rebooted as it is. Again, SUPER!

Yeah yeah, some might tell me I'm overreacting and/or taking an obviously "funny" episode seriously. To them I say I was once like you. I thought drunken make out sessions were funny, harmless. I mean who doesn't like the Naked Now... wait, everybody? Oops I'm a bit late to the party. Unfortunately (very little) life experience made me question this stuff and now I find it extremely creepy.

Okay before before I start, a warning:

Longest Reviews:
Thrown Key: episode's word count 15,664 words, if Part 2 wasn't Season Two it'd be longest episode of the season. Long episode + a lot to complain about = YIKES
Upendi: third longest episode of Season One at 10,150 words. Long episode + a lot to complain about = holymoly!
Holo Q: actual longest episode of Season One at 11,857 words. Long episode + Power Rangers knock off with Pokémon = sendhalp
Test of Time: Short 2 parter at 9,193 words thankfully. Short episode +... it's Test of Time, do we really need to do this?
Timeline: 7,001 words. The fact that its review is longer than Dark Frontier's is pretty hilarious.
Dark Frontier: 10,514 words. Long episode + actually quite reasonable for a Season One entry = decently lengthed review

And for comparison... The Love Spell: 12,379 and we have a LOT to complain about.

Buckle up folks, this is going to be a long un'. Unless we get Dark Frontier lucky... hahanope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Episode Synopsis
After Tom organises a Blind Date show, four couples are forced to stay on a planet for a week. Unfortunately everything gets way out of hand when an alien race puts a love spell on everyone.

Okay I read it.

Now time for Interactions, wooooo

Chakotay walked into the room. He couldn't see anybody behind the desk and stacks of PADDs.

"Captain?" he said loudly.

"I'm behind here," a muffled voice said from behind the PADDs. It was most definitely Kathryn's voice. She appeared beside the desk. "What can I do for you Commander?" she asked.

J/C are being civil and professional one episode after Thrown Key?

I'M ALLERGIC TO CONTINUITY *insert typical Voyager joke here*

"Don't bother, I'll add it to the pile. You won't believe most of the stuff that I've been reading," Kathryn said.

"Oh really, give me an example," Chakotay said.

"Well Ensign Taylor wants his surname changed," Kathryn said as she picked up another PADD from the desk.

Spoiler alert: Marill discovered someone called James Taylor already existed. I was shocked too, his name's such a unique flower just like him.

Legit spoiler alert: You could've waited one flippin episode to do this and it could actually be explained within a storyline and be sorta realistic. But no, forced boring exposition. Even better that moments later we get this:

"Stuart," Kathryn replied.

"Really, there was an actor called James Stuart back in the 20th century," Chakotay said.

Sooooo what was the point of the name change again? HMMMMMMMMMMMM?

WHOKNOWS!

James Stuart was also a king of England and Scotland*, so all hail His Majesty! BOW DAMN IT!!!!!!!11337
*twice? wasn't there a James II?? help, my only history knowledge comes from Horrible Histories

Again, reboot will fix this if I ever get there (it would've been this year damn it, FU LIFE!) and its not that spoilery to know that.

Anyway blah blah, Stuart is his step dad's surname. noonecares

"Actually while we're on the subject, Tom has made another holodeck program. Kiara wants to know if she can reprogram it," Chakotay said.

yes. I know already but even if I didn't, I'd assume it was terrible.

"You have no choice. The PADD is an invitation to the new holodeck program, from Tom himself," Chakotay said.

"Great, who else is going to this program," Kathryn muttered. Chakotay pulled out another PADD.

Captain Janeway has no choice but to go to her subordinates Holodeck program he made for his amusement, who's previous ones have been Fair Haven, the GET TOGETHER NOW show, and a love roller coaster for straight people only. Yeah, I buy that. Who wouldn't? Good thing she's such a pushover amirite?

oh and answer to that question Janeway; probably most of the extra cast

"Morgan, Jessie, Emma, B'Elanna, you, Annika, me, Craig, James, Tom, Harry & Lee," Chakotay replied as he read the PADD.

Meh, I was close. At least the majority of the extra cast are still in the main cast. Only Lee is the oddity.

"How the hell is he going to persuade them to go in his new holodeck program?" Kathryn asked.

"He seems to be very good at lying," Chakotay replied.

Yeah if James, Jessie, Morgan and Craig fall for another "please come to my program its totally normal", they deserve the pranking they get

"It's just Upendi, enhanced," Tom replied. The entire table groaned.

Enhanced? Is it less homophobic?

"I don't care, I don't have a new song for James," Tom said. All the girls on the table just stared at him with identical confused looks on their faces.

Oh too many jokes, so little time

"Oh no, I thought she gave up that collection," Lisa moaned. Faye pulled out a small rubber puppy.

"Puppy in my Pocket," Faye said suddenly. Lisa groaned and she rested her head on the table.

Okay, this is random, but at least I admitted what my/Faye's actual collection was one episode later.

Faye was busy putting lots of rubber little puppies and kittens on the table. She put a golden retriever on the table. "This is Kim," Faye said.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Emma picked one up and she threw it at Neelix. "Noooo, why did you do that for!" Faye squealed, she threw her arms around the ones she put on the table and she pulled them closer to her.

"We don't want to know all of their names," Emma muttered.

Okay yay Emma, but at the same time is the least likely character to do this. Faye and Emma's real life alter ego's are best mates ffs.

Anyway Faye continues to share my "darkest" secrets from my youth for no reason (and manages to make me seem even more crazy in the process which is frightening), and that somehow convinces Morgan to try out Tom's Upendi Mark 2 program as she thinks instead of water, the coaster will be pushed by rivers of beer. I dunno, that started out legit.

"Look Bonnika, quit talking like a robot, it does my head in," Morgan moaned.

"It's Annika," Annika muttered.

ohsnap?

When does Morgan become more Janeway oneliner'y?

"I want some beer, this is not the Upendi program," Emma moaned.

"Emma, don't you see, we were tricked," B'Elanna said.

Yeah, they're sitting in a waiting room... it couldve been for the roller coaster, you don't know!

"You would think we would know when he is trying to trick us," Jessie muttered. Suddenly some really cheesy music started in another room.

Jessie really does deserve this, how thick is she?

"Good evening, this is Blind-da Date, and here is your host, Miss Cilla Black," a man's voice, with an annoying accent said. A short woman walked onto the stage.

"Hello and welcome chucks. This is Blind Date. Tonight we have six lovely lasses and six gorgeous lads. Unfortunately only four girls and lads will get a date tonight. Now lets bring out the girls," the woman said in a more annoying accent.

Oh... this Cilla joke feels a bit morbid now. Yeah yeah written in 2001 but :(

Anyway Morgan, Jessie and Annika are pushed into the three seats, somehow, while B'Elanna probably beats the s$$$ out of the guy who did it for even looking at her.

"Ookay, what do you do for a living?" Cilla asked.

"Does bossing people around count as a job?" Morgan asked.

Why is Morgan still allowed to command anything? Sheesh someone should show everyone Upendi.

"Ookay, what do you do for a living?" Cilla asked.

"I annoy all the J/Cers by getting off with Chakotay, and I constantly keep saving the ship, oh and I attract sleasy male college students to watch the show," Annika replied.

That about sums it up

The writers get a brief cameo so they can explain why this bit happens:

Suddenly the seat that Annika was sitting in broke and she fell to the ground. The seat slit open her cat suit. Everyone laughed at her as she tried to cover up the gaping hole on her leg.

Seven Dies C......  huh?

You decide to punish Seven/Annika for her hogging the spotlight because she's "hot" by slicing open her catsuit so people can see her leg? I... what is this?

"Oookay, number three, what's your name?" Cilla asked Jessie.

"Bog off," she replied.

Damn it Jessie, you and James don't have to do everything together! At least his name change is normal, sheesh.

"Oookay, lets go and meet the lad," Cilla said. She walked onto the second bit of the stage. "Norman, lets put up the soundproof wall." A guy walked onto the other side of the stage.

Okay so this is done because unlike Blind Date, the contestants know each other and no one would pick Seven/Annika in this series if they knew. I'm assuming.

"Hi Cilla," Craig said.

"Behind the screen are three lovely girls..." Cilla said. Craig quickly jumped off the stool and he tried to get passed the screen.

omg brief lol

How has he not got a permanently cold shower fitted in his room?

Anyway you ask three questions, the computer automatically types them up for you, then it is transferred to my Norman behind the screen. He will then ask those lovely girls the questions and he'll send the answers back to us," Cilla said.

Oh god, at least I know that these questions and answers won't be inuendo style like the show. They'll probably be pick your favourite Pokémon and name that Aqua track. One of Craig's will probably be "which one of you will dress up as Morgan"

Anyway I'm kinda right, the questions and answers are boring so SKIP

"Number One. Number Two sounds like Annika. I love Cherry Coke and Aqua too, ooh that girl looks a lot like Morgan. I don't like Steps that much, but I love those three girls, oh one looks like Jessie.." Craig started drooling as he thought of Morgan & Jessie. Cilla used the microphone to hit him over the head.

Yeah Craig, quit that fourth wall rubbish

Jessie appeared. She looked happy that she hadn't been picked and she left the stage.

Jessie thought, "glad it isn't me."

Oh, thoughts are still around people. Sigh

Morgan thought, "oh nuts, I should have known."

yes

not that you'd have been able to have a say in the matter but yes

"Don't they make a lovely couple, chucks?" Cilla asked. For some reason Norman pressed a play button on a tape recorder, all that was heard from it was an audience cheering. The original holo audience had gone.

hahaha, nice touch

"It's just a little bit of fun, Harry. We'd better hurry, Jessie's picking next and Cilla chose us to be one of the choices," Tom said.

"There's no point, she wouldn't choose us anyway," Harry said.

I'm sorry, what was that?

"Forget suicide, B'Elanna and Jessie will kill me personally," Tom replied.

"Do you think she'll choose me?" Harry asked.

Where's this come from all of a sudden?

"Don't tell me you like her, that's just sick," Tom groaned.

why?

Project much?

"Tom, you only pester guys if you like them, you only pester girls because you fancy them. B'Elanna told me you pestered her all the time. And Jessie, you still pester her every single day. Hmm, what does that tell me?" Harry said.

That James/Tom, Jessie/Tom, Tom/everyone is canon. I KNEW IT

but what about Tom/Harry *sobs*

"Don't be stupid. Jessie, is just Jessie. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing," Tom said.

Oh hey, I thought Morgan was the girl everyone wanted (because she's the Sue). Jessie's turn now?

"Tom, she's not that bad. She only acts that way with people who annoy her. James doesn't annoy her at all, and she barely lays a finger on him," Harry said.

foreshadowing I'M NOT SORRY

Harry thought, "I wish I was him, ugh actually I don't want to look like that."

I'm serious, where has this Harry crush on Jessie come from?

"That's not what I meant, I mean she barely hits him. Maybe if you leave her alone she might leave you alone. You've got to admit though, she is really cute," Harry said.

Tom thought, "I agree, but I'm not going to say that. I'll look like a dope."

Okay I'm starting to think the Love Spell has hit early on. What is happening?

"Ugh, I'm going to be sick. This is Jessie we're talking about here. Who ever she chooses will get knocked out for sure, that's why I've chosen a certain person to be the third candidate," Tom said.

1) Why is crushing on Jessie making Tom ill? That's weird whether he likes her or not.

2) Did anyone who read this ever think for one second that Jessie would slip up and pick Harry over James? Which makes me wonder what the hell's the point of this?

3) Does Tom really think Jessie's response to unknowingly picking James in Blind Date is going to be her beating him up? Really?

4) Which brings me to one final point. Everyone who has gone into this program know for the most part who went in with them. If Jessie asks the question "what do you do in your spare time," and gets the answers "film people who I've gotten drunk", "crush on every girl I know in between crunch times" and "lol throw bobbl...HOLY S$$$ THERE'S TOM, PUNCH TIME", I think she'll have a pretty good idea who the hell is behind the screen.

Though she might mistake Harry for Craig, but that doesn't matter as she won't pick either of them.

"I take it the guy is somebody you hate," Harry said.

But then again, the characters are still in the deeply stupid mood Thrown Key put them in.

"No, he's all right when he wants to be. I just want to get him back for that whoopee cushion he put on my chair just an hour ago," Tom said.

Harry thought, "oops, that poor guy, that was actually me."

"I thought that was your prank," Harry said quickly.

Yeah that doesn't surprise me. Super lame. James would be too busy reprogramming your Upendi program into Hakuna Matata with Chakotay dressed up as both Timon and Pumba, then invite Chakotay for the grand opening. and video his reaction.

Because.thats.how.you.prank.

Tom and Harry both got schooled.

(oh and poor guy. What's poor, I thought the punishment was being one of Jessie's choices. I'MSOCONFUSED)

"Well then chucks, we've got some gorgeous lads so lets bring them out," Cilla said. Norman brought out Tom, Harry & James.

WHO'S SHOCKED, I'M SHOCKED, I'M DYING

"Earth," Tom replied.

"More like the planet of the apes," James muttered.

*snicker*

now James, don't be racist

"San Franciso," Harry replied.

"Yeah right," James muttered.

Ok, what did I just say? Go stand in the corner!

there's no other way to read that line... thatssobad, going to ignore it, for James' sake, not mine since I wrote it *slaps self*

"Do you have comment on everything?" Tom asked.

"I try my best," James replied.

lol

"Drat, why did you change your name, I was having fun," Tom moaned. Harry just groaned.

Translation: but I've already made the His and His towels with our names on. Mr Paris Taylor had a lovely ring to it

Actually...

it sorta does

*rewrites canon*

I already ship it, why not!

"Geordie Land more like," Tom muttered.

Yeah Tom, you need to go to James' OHSNAP School for at least one session. So weak. Weaker than "yeah right" and that's saying something.

"What do you do for a living?" Cilla asked.

"Don't ask that, he'll probably say eat," Tom said.

Lee: Hi guys sorry I'm late, what did I miss?

Tom: Ooops

"Shut up, Eugene," James said.

Though James seemingly flunked out of his own school, must be tired

"Since when is playing computer games and flirting with your best friend, work?" Tom asked.

"I don't flirt with anybody, only a perverty helmsman does that," James said. Harry continued to groan.

:/ gone from witty smart ass to whiny denial kid in a few lines, with some racism in between. James go home, you're drunk (too early).

Cilla thought, "why does everyone keep calling me Miss Beaver, chucks?"

Because Marill is a bitch who doesn't have any stones and only can insult people in fiction. Nothing has changed in 16 years.

"Where would you take a girl on the first date? Who writes this crap?" Jessie asked, reading from a card.

Okay Jessie doesn't even get to ask her own questions? Didn't Craig? This is very very wrong and reeks of Tom'ness.

Unlikes Craig's though, "Jessie's" questions get answers we can analyse

"A romantic restaurant," Tom replied.

"Cinema, definitely," Harry replied.

"I don't know, she can decide," James replied.

Tom and Harry's IMO are mixed up. Tom's the cinema type as we've seen in the series and would be sleazy about it. Harry would take a girl to a restaurant I think and woo with candles and other s$$$ like that. Meanwhile James is super lazy, and I'm not surprised by it.

And by that I mean NOT that he's actually lazy, though he has his moments (The Mess for one) but because I remember this whole Blind Date segment painting him as the shy "pathetic" and harmless virgin. This answer was to make him seem "aaaw he's soo sweet letting her pick". gag

It gets worse, trust me. My memory hasn't failed me on one of the questions at least.

And yeah I'm not making this up. To make this even funnier, the next few episodes were detailedly planned out. What's what happens in them got to do with making James act like a 12 year old boy with a cootie phobia? Well Season One in places had already tried to cast that James aside for a different, more confident/snappy character and the next few Season Two episodes were the do or die moment for the "new" version. Thankfully it was do, as he turned out pretty well despite scenes like the Blind Date competition.

It's not just me. I'm sure you'll see it and judge for yourselves:

"What would you give a girl on her birthday?" Jessie asked.

"Flowers," Tom replied.

"Chocolates," Harry replied.

"Depends on what she wants," James replied.

F$$$

You all suck

NEXT

How is Tom engaged? Serious question.

ok ok, some people may like James' answer, but jesus, it's OOC (and unimaginative) as hell... oops forgot

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls***: 1

I was going to give him 2, but nothing to me suggests that any James persona wouldn't leave the date location up to his date. This however, look at the prequels and get back to me. I bet you can't argue against me.

"What type of girl do you usually date?" Jessie asked. She then threw the card off stage and it hit Annika on the head. It gave her a massive paper cut and it started to bleed very badly.

COUNT IT, DON'T CARE

Seven Dies Count: 1

Anyway Jessie wonders who writes this crap anyway, again, despite knowing full damn well what idiot(s) write this and then we get a painful paragraph describing what the writers are doing. It isn't funny or anything, and this episode's long enough so...SKIP

"Intelligent and strong girls," Tom replied.

Yeah he knows B'Elanna's probably watching this

"Cute girls," Harry replied.

Tom thought, "they're all aliens, they're not cute."

Okay and you thought James was (accidentally) racist. WTF TOM

and Harry, sheesh

"I've never been on a date before," James said quietly. Tom and Harry laughed at him.

You've been with me reading through these episodes for a while now, so I imagine you'll have an answer for me. Okay here goes. Has James ever been dumb enough to admit to something this deeply personal in front of not only Tom, but everyone on the Holodeck and knowing Tom he's televised this. Has he really been that stupid?

Yeah sure he's not really meant to care about this s$$$, and I'll whine about that in a mo, but he usually knows better than to give Tom Paris any ammo whatsoever and he's not only done that, but loaded the gun for him.

As for caring about it... he doesn't. The character all throughout the entire series, including One, hasn't given a s$$$ about dating. Has he? But here he is answering the question like this quietly as if he's embarrased.

You deserve these two points very very much

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls***: 3

And yes I'll be marking early B4FV1 accordingly as well. For god's sake Marill, why is James so hard for you to write consistently in the olden days? WHY

"I don't like number one cos he sounds too 'soppy'. Number two sounds too much like Craig. Number three sounds familiar, I think I'll choose him," Jessie said.

Tom sounds soppy?

Harry=Craig, I TOLD YOU, DIDN'T I

Jessie knows a few men, so choosing number three because he simply sounds familiar is a tad risky.

"Er.. okay. So you turned down number one from Earth, beam Tom here Norman," Cilla said. Tom appeared, he winked at her as he walked away. Jessie threw her other cards at him and he got two large paper cuts on his neck.

Told you Season Two was unnessarily violent. It's okay when it's Seven though.

"Okay, Jessie, you picked the lovely H look alike from England," Cilla said. 

WHO?

Has Craig been compared to the bloke from Aqua yet? I'm sure Emma's going to be partly blamed for the Star Wars prequels being s£££ any minute now. Triah's already in her Team Rocket outfit, ready for the voicing Jessie/Musashi gag.

A very nervous looking James appeared. He calmed down a little bit when he saw Jessie.

IT'S TRUE WUV, or james having issues whatever

"Don't they make a lovely couple chucks?" Cilla asked.

"Didn't she say that to Morgan & Craig?" Jessie asked.

"At least she was right that time," James replied.

Jessie's heart's been choked by an overtied bobble. ouchohsnap

"Lets see, you turned down the lovely Emma from Newcastle," Cilla said. Emma appeared. She stared angrily at Tom and she stormed off the stage.

Anyway round 3 is thankfully shortened and so we probably missed the Star Wars/Black Swan gag with Emma

and then there's a twist!

"Next you turned down the lovely B'Elanna from Kessik Four," Cilla said. B'Elanna appeared with a big grin on her face.

"You're going to love who you chose, Tommy boy," B'Elanna said and she left the stage laughing.

It's funny because this is Tom's program, he played himself.

I'm not being sarcastic, this is actually funny to me

"Okay Tom, you chose the.. lovely.. Annika from the Borg Collective," Cilla said.

Tom thought, "oh dear god no!"

Though because the questions were skipped we'll never know how he got mixed up between B'Elanna and Seven. Shame!

"First you turned down the lovely Lee from Manchester," Cilla said. Lee appeared.

Lee thought, "she's the chainsaw girl, oh crap. Oooh chainsaw, I want one."

Lee wandered off the stage while thinking about chainsaws.

Um, we already gathered he was thinking about chainsaws from the thought dialogue.

I do like how Lee was disappointed Emma didn't pick him. Wait, did she have her questions made up for her too... she must've, or Lee would've answered as she wanted. Hmm

"Now you chose the lovely Indian guy from Dorvan Five," Cilla said. Chakotay appeared, he saw Emma and he panicked. Emma giggled hysterically, she ran over and she gave him a big hug.

Then again, it all worked out. J/Cers will be demanding her blood though

"Staying? Is there something you should have warned us about earlier?" Chakotay asked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. It's a mini holiday, harmless. I've already arranged the holiday with the Captain," Tom muttered.

GASP, SHE WAS IN ON IT. THE SCAMP

"On the planet we're orbiting. It's a small island, nobody lives there, it's just a holiday resort, well more like a four bedroom villa," Tom replied.

"In other words, the perfect romantic vacation, enjoy," Cilla said.

This seems oddly suspicious. and not at all romantic

Who cares, pack your bags.

"Hello, my name is Psoni. I live on the nearby island. I own this villa. I'll show you to your rooms," the man said. Everyone stood up and followed the man into the villa. The living room was huge, it was lightly decorated and it contained a lot of furniture.

That so called description told us absolutely nothing. FIFTH VOYAGER!

Anyway the whole scene does/adds nothing to the episode, except maybe introduce Psoni who I'm not even sure is important anyway. Though maybe he is and it's never blatantly said 0_0 instantly distrusting of him.

"This is your studio," Psoni said. The pair started to look around the studio. There was only one bedroom, and there was a small kitchen at the far side of the room. Jessie looked inside the bedroom.

I'm sooo bored

"Okay then, you sleep on the couch tonight, and we'll take turns every night," Jessie said.

"Works for me," James said.

James agrees to the idea that on alternating nights he sleeps in a bed while Jessie roughs it on the sofa? without a fight

Hahahaha

I'll let him off, JUST THIS ONCE

"Oh, you don't expect us to share, do you?" Jessie asked.

"Well that's the whole point," Psoni muttered.

"Fine, piece of cake," Jessie muttered.

wait what?

just like that?

Why would she agree to this? I'm serious.... WHY? All Psoni said was "wah these rooms are for couples." Them taking turns with the sofa (not couch!) doesn't effect him whatsoever. He'd still be paid the same. Is he a shipper or is he more important to the story than believed.

VS

LET BATTLE COMMENCE

"They're not used to each other. They haven't lived with each other for seventeen years," James said.

"You've lived with each other for that long? How romantic," Psoni said.

Oh that's why she agrees, so we can get this exposition/shipper hints.

Shipper: 1
Bad Guy: 0

Cue some Jessie denial and then

"I don't understand. In my culture a couple only live together because.." Psoni said.

"We're only friends!" Jessie snapped.

These aliens, I kinda like them, only because I'd probably be living alone by law or something. Where do I sign?

"Pervert," they both said.

I know they're not Starfleet or anything, but jeez be more respectful. I know they said it behind his back but :(

oh missed this

He winked at them both just before he stepped out of the door

This could mean anything

Shipper: 2
Bad Guy: 1

"We're ready to deploy the virus, but eight crewmembers have transported down to the planet," another alien replied.

Hmmmmm

Nope, still don't trust this Psoni guy

"Aye Captain," Tuvok replied. Tani walked up to him.

"Tuvok, can I play with the console?" she asked.

F$$$ off Tani

"There's nobody to fire at," Tuvok said. Lilly, Claire & Lee walked onto the Bridge. Claire and Lee snuck onto Kathryn & Chakotay's chairs. Lilly walked over to Harry. He saw her come up to him.

Oh right, everyone's taking their Love Spell positions. Not fine. There are better ways than making Tani act like a 5 year old.

Harry thought, "uhoh, I hope she doesn't stay for long."

"Hiya Harry," Lilly said sweetly.

I hear ya Harry. Lilly is sooo so fake.

but knowing him, he's probably crushing on her too

"The Doctor wanted me to give you this," Lilly said and she handed a PADD to him.

"What's it for?" Harry asked.

"No idea, why don't you read it silly," Lilly replied. The helm and opps console bleeped.

Ohno she called him silly. HARRY/LILLY CONFIRMED

I dont like it

"Red Alert," Tuvok ordered. The lights dimmed, the siren started and the red flashy lights came on. A few of the bulbs dimmed and went off.

"Commander, the bulbs have ran out," Danny said.

Why do I sense a Red Dwarf thievery here? It's not word for word but still, bleurgh

Suddenly a strange reddy pinky coloured light overwhelmed the ship. The alien ship disappeared from sensors. Naomi and Kiara walked onto the Bridge and they were about to be sick.

Here we go folks. I hope you haven't had your dinner yet. I haven't.

Harry and Lilly were kissing, so was Claire and Lee, and so was Tani & Tuvok! Danny was staring at them all with a disgusted look on her face. She fiddled with the console and she beamed away, leaving the kids to observe the episode that has turned out to be a horror.

Ok the pairings were picked out of a hat, right? The only one even remotely close to any kind of pairing is Claire and Lee, and nopenope, I'm firmly in they're best friends "only" forever. Ruined.

Why Naomi and Kiara have to be traumatised I'll never know. Food for thought though, Naomi's at least one episode away from turning into her adult actress. Just saying. She had a lucky escape.

"About, five minutes, what are you in a hurry for?" Psoni asked.

"I'm not, I was just bored. And the sun's making my hair burn," Morgan replied.

"Black hair usually does on this planet, honey, you should dye it," Psoni said.

Ok some slight adjustments

Shipper: 2
Villain/Accomplice: 1
Pervert: 1

Yeah James and Jessie were spot on. My bad

"You're lucky Craig, you have blonde hair, it doesn't attract the sun," Morgan muttered.

"Why don't you dye yours then?" Craig asked.

Anyone else want to tell her to do this? What about you at the back?

"This planet must be far too close to the sun, even my hair's getting hot," Craig moaned as he felt the back of his head. Morgan walked up closer to him. She also touched the back of his head.

Why the back?

Why at all?

"That's no way near as hot as mine," Morgan said. For some odd reason they were both closer and closer to each other. They were about to kiss when Morgan collapsed on him.

Ah "for some reason" my old friend.

This time I'm in full agreement with you. No Love "Spell" here yet, why did this happen?

"Oh, that's not fair. I was so close too," Craig moaned.

Um Craig, she's just collapsed. Maybe worry about that first.

Some strange misty place:

Morgan woke up and she looked around. She stood up. The whole area was misty

NO S$$$$

Where's the part about it being strange? Can't miss that vital description

One of them everybody recognises, but Morgan doesn't.

This sentence hurts my eyes and tiny brain

Why the tense shift? Who's everybody (I already know but still, worth asking)? It's a fanfic, why would the readers recognise her before she's named or anything? It's not a TV show.

"Are you god?" Morgan asked.

"I am the goddess of Voyager, all hail me," the woman said. The people around her continued to bow and repeat her name.

Oh I missed the um... SPOILER ass kissing.

"What am I doing here? What the hell was I going to do before? Am I dead or am I hallucinating?" Morgan asked.

"Calm down. You have many questions, and I can answer the first and third question, but only you can answer the second one," the woman replied.

"Well?" Morgan asked.

I can answer the second question. Season Two is the season of the shipping, and fourth wall backfiring but shhhh about that one.

"You're neither dead or hallucinating, we are in a telepathic link. Secondly you are here so I can warn you of danger and so I can make a really cool appearance," the woman replied.

I need to thesaurus cool, I don't think my definition is right.

"Your crew has fallen under Cupid's spell, but your crew may be killed if you don't warn them," the woman replied.

Oh lookie, another title misfire.

For those paying attention the "Love Spell" has been referred to as a virus and now Cupid's Spell. If you didn't want it to be called a Love Spell you can change the name of the episode.

"Some aliens have abused the spell and they're using it to capture ships and kill it's crew. You and the others on the planet are the only ones who can stop them. I suppose others on your crew were not affected by the spell, they can help too," the woman replied.

Abused the spell? How can it ever be anything other than a horrible violating spell/virus? How can you use it for good?

Secondly, if you have the technology to do this, why do you need it at all?

"Wait a second, how can we be in a telepathic link? I'm human, I'm not telepathic," Morgan asked.

Morgan the Sue Count: 1, no explanation necessary. Yet. Part 2 will either add or take away but for now this is all you get, so earned.

"Er.. it's a long story, maybe we should.. freeze frame!" the woman yelled. The entire scene just freezed.

Oh lookie, a Chums/SMTV Live joke. How nice

Will Morgan and co save Voyager from Cupid's spell? Will we ever find out what happened between Morgan & Craig? Is Cilla finally gone from our lives? Will the ones on the planet get infected with the spell? And will we ever find out who this mysterious person is?

Oh goodie, one of these!

No they won't, there will be kids running around everywhere by Season Three that no one wanted.

I'm a bit woozy too reading this but I'm pretty sure there was a near-kiss moment for some reason.

Yes you sick f$$$ she's dead, happy now!?

.....ok that got dark fast.

Ahem well you just ruined that twist havent you, of course the Blind Date couples will be affected. Half of them are mismatched too its begging for it.

I'm gonna guess it's Jeri Taylor as she was excluded from the writers bloodbath last ep...

"Oh come on, it's pretty obvious," the woman said.

"Is it?" Morgan asked.

Find out next time on Marill Re-Reads The Cupid's Virus!

"Hang on a sec, this isn't a two parter," Morgan said. Marill & Charizard appeared.

"Shh, we're trying to sound dramatic," Charizard said.

"This is a two parter episode, all the suckers thought this was a one parter," Marill whispered.

Oh joy, it's still going on and can get worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Midway Counter Results:

Muttered Count: 39 (100)

Sexist Crap Count: 1 (4)

The girls seem to have their questions picked for them, or Jessie did.

Jessie's Sin Points: 0 (2)

Morgan the Sue Count: 1 (4)

Seven Dies Count: 1 (5)

James Kill Count: 0 (1)

Lilly Ex Machina: 0 (1)

OMG ME TOO! James' Out Of Character Bulls***: 3 (8)

Just A Little Bit More: 0 (4)

Playing With Your Dolls Again: please don't make me count, this is The Love Spell. Later! (3)

Yeah I've already narrowed down one counter, I'll make the decision over anymore at the end of the episode.