Marill Re-Reads Muse
Here's the stats so far.
Exclaimed Count: 152
Muttered Count: 578
Motto Count: 14
Sexist Crap Count: 29
Jessie's Sin Points: 17
Morgan the Sue Count: 6
Seven Dies Count: 5
I already know I'm going to hate reading this one, and its review will contain all caps bad jokes. Some info first. After The Voyager Conspiracy was released, I was a little stuck on and/or overwhelmed with the next three episodes. You've possibly read their reviews now so you'll know that. So what did I do? Fill in the three episode gap between Unforgettable and Mirror Universes? OHNO I'll write Muse, creating yet another gap in Season One. GREAT IDEA.
blah. I'm going to sum up why I'm writing this. Take a look at the
order the season, with
episodes not yet reviewed greyed out,
Aggressions, Mental Illness, Year of Hell, Hunters, Unforgettable
Mirror Universes, Worse Case Scenario 2, Collective Instinct, Holo Q, Demon², Timeline, Spirits, Test of Time, The Voyager Conspiracy
Muse, Fair Haven 2, Once Upon A Time, Timeless, The Fight
(Too Q - Thrown Key Part 1)
Fugitives, Dark Frontier, Upendi
So yeah point is, we're going backwards. Backwards to the weekend Timeless reared its ugly pedo shouting at grieving kids head. The same weekend four episodes were written. The same month nine episodes including World Domination were released. I think I've made my point.
Hopefully you and I may see where I started to improve enough to pull off Dark Frontier's actually funny re-occurring gags and Morgan's development, Upendi's better last quarter, as we go through the next few episodes.
Not here though. I remember Muse being a phlegmy spit in the face to the original episode. I loved Muse, everything about it was dumped for the usual offenders. What the f$$$ was I thinking? Let's see if I remember it right.
James and Jessie walked up to Craig's empty table. He was asleep on his arms.
"Let me wake him up," Jessie said. She kneeled down and she screamed into his ear. He jolted awake.
"Woah! Don't do that!" Craig yelled as he rubbed his ear.
Oh Jessie's back to her bullying ways I see.
Jessie's Sin Points: +1
That didn't take long.
Ok to be fair, the last episode written before this was Voyager Conspiracy, Upendi wouldn't appear for another two months, but still! If you write out of order, be prepared to fix a lot of inconsistencies. I'm still checking through the skipped Monkey Island parodies of Reboot One and finding minor ones. It's called giving a s$$$ about your own beloved work, kid Marill was a lazier brat.
If you're wondering what I'm talking about, I really think Jessie turned over a new leaf when she saved Morgan and tried to save Xara. But hey, whatever. Opinions.
"I wasn't asleep," Craig muttered.
"Then what were you doing?" Jessie asked.
"Thinking," Craig replied.
Yeah that's how I do all my thinking too Craig, fistbump?
"Any news on the Delta Flyer?" Jessie asked.
"There's still no sign of it," Craig replied as he yawned.
Oh of course. The original started with the Flyer already crashed, with the cold open being the play and the playwright walking into the shuttle and waking up B'Elanna. It's an interesting start. This, it's so far pointless. I love these three characters, now, but I'll readily admit to chucking them in at every opportunity. I'd say Seven style but they're not saving the day or whining about their only arc for the 50th time. OHSNAP
I will give the episode credit for not using them in Muse's main storyline straight after Upendi. And yeah yeah Upendi was done later, but Morgan and co were always planned to be the stars of it.
I'll give you a moment to guess who is the star of this Muse.
You'll never get it.
"Don't worry Craig. A few more days and you'll be able to drool over Morgan and Tani again," James said.
Wait for it.
"What if they're dead?" Jessie whispered.
"I don't drool!" Craig snapped. James and Jessie burst out laughing.
You probably were earlier. giggle.
At least Jessie wasn't bitchy enough to bellow that, a nice whisper to James I assume since Craig only reacts to the drool part. No that doesn't earn her a point back.
"Yeah, next thing you'll tell us is that you're gay," James laughed.
"As if," Craig said.
Okay I'm going to defend this. *everyone faints*
James isn't using gay as the actual insult. I think an older episode did the same. Craig's only character trait is his obsession with women.
The style of the comment is similar to a scene where Janeway claims she isn't obsessed with coffee, while she puts coffee vinegar on a salad. Yeah I'm not remembering it fully. She has plenty of these style comments at her expense.
I guess the better example was a scene with a line like "yeah right, and Janeway drinks tea." Which I'm sure Janeway responds with a dirty scoff, "as if."
He's not saying gay is bad, and neither is Craig with his response.
"Janeway to all Senior Staff, report to the Conference Room."
"So much for lunch," Jessie muttered. They hurried out of the room just in time to miss Neelix's new coffee substitute. He put it down on a table and he followed them out of the room.
She knew, didn't she?
The same yellow planet that's been on the show since Caretaker:
Ok I'll admit, I sniggered a bit.
I may be the only one, it's something that only someone who watched Voyager to death back in the day would spot. The exact same stock footage of Voyager orbiting a planet (once I'm sure the planet had been colourised in Paint Shop Pro, like I would lol).
I wonder if I have a screencap of it. Aaaw, nope.
common a Google search took care of it:
"And I found them lying on the shore. They told me their story, and now I've told you," Kelis said. The Fat Bloke woke up suddenly when everyone started clapping.
Wow, that's the actual first bit after the above. No context whatsoever.
"That was brilliant, Kelis," The Fat Man said.
"But it was only five minutes long," the woman next to him whispered.
Oh no Kelis, you didn't tell the story of Hunters did you? I know Aggressions is bad but Hunters is no way to start anything.
"Kelis, I want another Fifth Voyager play, next Monday, 9pm on Sky One, right after original Voyager," the Fat Man said.
I... I don't know how to respond to this.
Oh wait I do. What are you worried about? You'll be able to spit out four of those in a weekend. Stop stressing over it Kelis.
"Okay," Kelis muttered. Everyone but the actors left. Six mysterious figures in cloaks walked up to Kelis.
Wait for it.
"We're here to sue you. You are not authorised to write an episode of Fifth Voyager," a woman's voice said.
"Especially when you're doing a crap job of it," a familiar voice said.
I'm going to assume the play was actually good then. OHSNAP
"Who are you people?" Kelis asked.
"Prepare for six lots of trouble," another familiar voice said.
If you haven't guessed it by this point I don't know what to tell you.
Motto Count: 1
What, did you think Morgan was to be the MC of an episode of Fifth Voyager parodying the fanfiction of Voyager episode? lolwaitandsee
"Brock," the second guy said.
"Vulpix," the first woman said.
No really, who? Was I desperate for a sixth member so I made one up? Since it says guy I doubt it's Lanny's new nickname. And also, yes it's a name from Pokémon but it's not A Pokémon - or fake one - you fail Brocko.
"You've got very strange names. What are you doing here, are you poets?" Kelis asked. All six fell over in Pokémon style.
You did have to endure the motto Kelis, that should give you the answer. Though no one would blame you for tuning it out. I'd still blame you if you did that and then asked the question.
"Anyway, you are planning a Fifth Voyager play, I'm afraid that Fifth Voyager belongs to us," Marill said.
"No it doesn't, we only own the new characters," Raichu said.
PREACH IT RAICHU
and half of the name I suppose, the series concept went out the window during Mirror Universes and won't come back till next season, so can't even claim that.
"Are you actors? I only have a few actors to play seventeen characters," Kelis asked.
"No, but we do our own Fifth Voyager plays, we can play our characters," Vulpix said.
Oh *chuckles for a while* boy
Yeah I'm not explaining that one.
"No we can't! We're suing him!" Firera yelled.
"Don't be stupid Firera, firstly we don't have the right to sue since we are using Voyager material and secondly this is in the Fifth Dimension! Voyager is not part of a TV show here," Charizard said.
OH LOOK FANFIC DIMENSIONS SHOWED ITS FACE HERE SOMEHOW
FU FANFIC DIMENSIONS
SEE I TOLD YOU THE EPISODE WAS BAD
"Oh fine, it'll be fun to do a Fifth Voyager play. We haven't done one in ages," Marill said.
SHHH MARILL, EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M CRAZY
OH WAIT, that ship sailed long ago.
"Great! Who's playing who?" Kelis asked.
"Tani," Marill said.
"Jessie," Firera said.
"James," Charizard said.
"Morgan," Raichu said.
"Craig," Brock said.
"B'Elanna," Vulpix said.
Marill's probably the only one I'm okay with. She isn't in enough to have to worry about awful acting. Also not a big deal. I am bothered that I was the first to pick a character and I chose Tani. So unrealistic. If I had to play one of the girls it'd be Jessie or Morgan. Though this is an actual play, I'd need to wear a mask lol. If gender didn't matter I'd pick James without hesitation.
Charizard as James, nope. Raichu's the calmer one, she suits Morgan like I suit, well James haha, only thing I have in common with him is mental health issues. No that's not a joke, serious. Anyway, Craig played by Brock makes me think Brock is actually Pokémon Brock. Vulpix as B'Elanna is hysterical.
I guess Firera did obsess over her hair in Aggressions. Fine, I'll let her Jessie choice off.
"Erm, is the actors that play Kathy & Chuckles going to kiss in this version too?" Firera asked.
"More than likely, and they're not the only ones," Raichu said.
OH IS THAT WHY MARILL ISN'T PLAYING JESSIE OR MORGAN, or james, BECAUSE THERE'S BUCKETS OF SHIPPING
YEAH I GET IT NOW, I WOULDN'T VOLUNTEER IF I KNEW THAT, AND I WOULD KNOW
The Delta Flyer:
"Morgan, paper beats rock," Tani said angrily.
"No it doesn't. Rock can rip the paper," Morgan said.
Haha, typical Morgan response.
"Who cares! It's just like Game Creatures. Water
YOU DESERVE BEING PLAYED BY ME
"This game sucks!" Morgan said huffily. They both heard footsteps outside the shuttle. They both grabbed a phaser and they pointed them at the door. Kelis walked in.
Morgan's spent too much time with Jessie after their making up, I see.
"Oh it's just some ugly guy with rubbish on his forehead," Morgan muttered as she lowered her phaser.
Directly after "racism is bad, don't stereotype" Upendi, said by Morgan herself, which was always going to happen.
Well done *slow clap*
"I'm Kelis. The writer of Fifth Voyager," Kelis said.
"Ohno, not more writers," Morgan muttered.
I know, I'm surprised there were six before.
My multiple personalities were so bad I couldn't count them all
"I need your help. The Fat Bloke wants another Fifth Voyager play," Kelis said.
Isn't The Flat Bloke supposed to be the leader of the country or something?
that's his name?
"Please, I need you to help me with a storyline for 'The Rescue Of Morgan & Tani'," Kelis said.
"I think I prefer the original Fifth Voyager titles," Morgan muttered.
And I'm saying that with titles like The Atamit and Return of Third Voyager in my head. *shudder*
"What's in it for us?" Morgan asked.
"Cherry Coke, we have an alcoholic version," Kelis said.
"I'm beginning to like this guy. You've got yourself a deal," Morgan said happily.
Yeah um, I suppose Kelis did listen in on the Delta Flyer logs. Probably heard Morgan worshiping the Cherry Coke god in between whore fights with Tani.
"Wait a minute. How do you know our names and how do you know that we love Cherry Coke?" Tani asked.
"I checked out your flashy lights thingymajig," Kelis said.
"Why did you do that?" Tani asked.
"I was inspired. I thought that if I had a look I would get an idea for a new play," Kelis said.
"That seems harmless," Morgan muttered.
Not like mother, like daughter I see
"I need to write an interesting play. My last one was only five minutes long," Kelis said.
"Geez! That's even worse than 'Hunters' or even 'Worse Case Scenario'," Morgan muttered.
DAMN IT MORGAN, STOP STEALING MY JOKES
"Great! Lets go back to play place," Kelis said.
Oh my god
You're not even trying are you?
I'm amazed Kelis is named and not called Rubbish Forehead Guy
Voyager, a week later:
"Zzzzzzzzzz," Tuvok snored. Everyone on the night shift burst out laughing.
Oh, maybe this won't be so bad after all, I love this jo...
James and Jessie walked up to him quietly. Jessie pulled out a red highlighter pen. "Jigglypuff," Jessie said in a squeaky voice and she started drawing on Tuvok's face.
Muse can't do anything right!
James picked up Kiara's Kiara (Lion King Character) cuddly toy
What fresh hell is this?
Couldn't she just have a regular teddy bear, why does she have to have her namesake toy?
cuddly toy, that she had left on Chakotay's chair, and he put it on Tuvok's lap. Both of them giggled and they quickly ran back to their consoles.
I'd be okay if all they did was give him a teddy bear.
I don't need more Pokémon rip off jokes
Craig walked up behind Tuvok and yelled in his ear. "TUVOK!" he yelled.
Er Craig, it was Jessie that did this to you and you weren't happy about it. WHY DO THIS TO TUVOK?
Tuvok woke suddenly. Everyone laughed at him when they saw his face. He had circles around his eyes to make it look like he had glasses on. His nose was coloured red and he had Dumbo written on his forehead.
DUMBO WASN'T EVEN FUNNY THE FIRST TIME. IT'S STILL NOT THE 100TH TIME
STOP IT I BEG YOU
IT'S SO RACIST, PLEASE LEAVE TUVOK ALONE
Jessie's Sin Points: +1
"Why is Kiara's toy on my lap?" Tuvok asked quietly. Everyone was in stitches at this point. Tuvok picked up Kiara's toy and he put it back on Chakotay's chair. "What is so funny?" he asked.
I don't know Tuvok. I'm so so sorry.
"Who did this?" Tuvok asked. Angel rings appeared over everyone's heads. Tom chose that moment to walk into the room. He burst out laughing.
This is painful
Tom walked over to Jessie and James who were in stitches. Triah and Craig left the Bridge to go to Sickbay because their stitches were so painful. They obviously couldn't work the lift coz they were laughing so hard so they came back into the Bridge. "I take it you guys were the ones who did it," Tom said.
When Tom is probably secretly judging your immature pranks it's time to take a good long look at yourself and ask "what am I doing with my life?"
"For one thing, you two are the only ones with a red highlighter. Secondly, you two cause nothing but trouble," Tom said.
You mean Jessie's done this before? She didn't do it to Craig.
Oh and again, Tom says this to you. Epiphany moment please.
Both of them stopped laughing and they glared at him.
"Speak for yourself," Jessie said sternly.
"I don't cause trouble. I'm very good," James said in a small voice. Tom laughed.
Ok not a legit laugh, maybe I'll find it funny later if I ignore the rest of the scene so far.
"Yeah, and Craig's gay," Tom laughed.
"Why does everybody keep saying that?" Craig yelled, pouting.
Okay NOW it's getting to be more like an insult.
Craig's definitely taking it as such, whereas his previous reaction was self awarerness: "yeah I am a bit girl obsessed, I know." Now he doesn't get it? Whut?
"Aaaw. Leave him alone Tom, you're just being childish," Jessie said.
RED ALERT: HYPOCRITE CORE BREACH IN TEN SECONDS, ABANDON SHIP
"Speak for yourself," Tom said in Jessie's voice.
"Tuvok to Taylor. Meet me in my office right away."
"Uhoh," James muttered.
"I'll come with. It was me that drew on his face in the first place," Jessie said.
Jessie translator kicks in:
"I'll come with. We can't be apart for any length of time, the glue's starting to thin. Hold still, I've got a fresh tube."
"You can catch up with him, I want to ask you something in private," Tom said. James slowly headed for the Turbolift.
Is there a later missing at the end of that first part?
"Make it quick Tom. I hate talking to you," Jessie said.
"Thanks. Anyway, what was all that about?" Tom asked.
Jessie likes to pick on people? Dumbo's her favourite film? Tuvok's a mischievous face drawer at night, and only Jessie knows because she got up early to put her make up on that very morning he tried to get her? Marill doesn't understand the concept that sometimes simple is better when it comes to jokes, the teddy bear would've done.
"That sticking up for him, what was it for, I was only saying that he was badly behaved," Tom said.
What forced dialogue. Why would Tom give a crap, and why the hell is he asking her like it's her first time sticking up for James?
I MEAN IT, WHAT?
"Shut up Tom. Friendship isn't something you understand very well," Jessie said angrily.
"I do understand you nitwit!" Tom snapped.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
"Then why are you so cruel to people?" Jessie asked.
RED ALERT: HYPOCRITE CORE BREA *BOOM*
I DID WARN YOU, NOW WE'RE READING THESE TOGETHER IN HELL
LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING WORLD DOMINATION AFTER ALL :(
"Who was the one who drew on Tuvok's face, who's the ones who beats me up all the time," Tom asked.
If you had opened with this, I'd be giving you the badass take out the garbage GIF. But no, you opened with "why did you offer to stick up for your friend?" WTF?
Let's see what OMG I'M BEING NICE NO FUN ALLOWED STOP PICKING ON ME reaction Jessie has. Hopefully it'll be an answer that's like dividing by zero, causing a black hole that reverses the core breach. It's hot in hell and there's Justin Timberlake and Rhianna playing everything I go.
"Drawing on Tuvok's face was just for fun. And beating you up is highly deserved, that is the result for being nasty to James and I," Jessie said.
Drawing on his face is what kids would call fun, and they'd probably be grounded for it. Calling him Dumbo because his species have bigger ears, barely, for the 1000th time is sickening.
Tom's an ass in this series, there's a few times I've called him on it. Nasty I don't think is a word I'd use. Don't think I forgot the Tom Beating Quota, Jessie.
"Somebody's in loooove," Tom said.
SERIOUSLY, THIS CONVERSATION. WHAT IS IT
HAVE BITS BEEN DELETED, COPIED AND PASTED INTO THIS ONE
"Oooh! Is it with me?" Craig asked. Everyone tried to hold back the vomit.
"Nice way to change the subject, Tom," Jessie muttered.
OH IT ISN'T JUST ME
Also reacting to that with feeling ill, poor Craig. That's too far.
"I wasn't. I've just figured out why you stick up for James all the time, you have this crush on him don't ya, do you huh, huh, huh?" Tom sniggered. Craig groaned.
I'm okay with being mad at Jessie for her treatment of Tuvok. We don't need Tom coming in and trying to distract everyone from her brattishness with his I'M THE REAL BADGUY hand waving in the air routine. You don't fool me Muse. I still remember.
"I do admit that he's rather cute but that's all you sicko. Now get out of my way," Jessie said angrily and she left the room.
JESSIE ADMITS CRUSH, PARTY TIME SHIPPERS, REJOICE
(I'd hope so after the smoochathon last episode, ey)
I'll ignore the missing word and the very forced way we got here. Oh look at that, I lied.
"Why does nobody call me cute?" Craig moaned.
"Because you're not," Triah replied.
she's his sister, still pretty harsh though
No Tom reaction? Wow. I'm confused. I figured this scene was here because of that funny Tuvok being asleep on the bridge scene, which is actually quite sweet if you think about it. He was searching for Harry and B'Elanna, so didn't get any rest. Tuvok ftw. Then this happened, after the most drawn out forced conversation filled with hypocrisy and pain. WHICH WAS THE POINT? TELL ME!
"What's wrong Jess? What did that jerk ask you?" James asked.
OH IT'S STILL GOING ON
"Nought!" Jessie replied angrily.
Yay, nought/nowt's back.
But so is Jessie's angry denial. Bet she's super pissed after admitting that to the bridge 0_0
Jessie's Sin Points: -1
The Turbolift stopped on the deck where Tuvok's office was. They got to Tuvok's office in a few seconds. Jessie came close to smashing the door chime as she pressed it.
You know what, I don't care. I just don't care.
Draw on their faces, write racist dress wearer on her forehead and kick them out.
"Are you the ones responsible for this?" Tuvok asked as he pointed to the pen marks.
"No sir," James said innocently.
"It was me. You were asleep so I thought it would be fun. You don't have to be a total misery all the time!" Jessie said angrily.
Jessie please, I was on my way to forgiving you in Upendi. Why, why.
"You are both on shuttle building duty. Your first mission is to take a shuttle to find Morgan & Tani. Dismissed," Tuvok said.
I'm sorry, what?
"You are both on shuttle building duty
Your first mission is to take a shuttle to find Morgan & Tani.
MY HEAD HURTS
The pair left the room. Jessie put her middle finger up at the door.
Jessie, you know what. I've been merciful. Not anymore.
Jessie's Sin Points: +5
1 for the DRAWING RACIST S$$$ ON SOMEONE'S FACE IS FUN comment. 2 for changing the subject into Tom's sooooo cruel. 3 for hypocritical childish insults. 4 for calling Tuvok a misery for rightly being annoyed someone drew on his face. 5 for putting her middle finger up at him from behind a door. Ooooh big woman, so scary.
I'm still confused with the shuttle building bit.
I mean WHAT?
Tom will be super duper pissed.
"Or we'll crash and then it'll be a week without him," James said.
"What are we waiting for? Lets go," Jessie said and she sped down the corridor.
Does anyone else see it? Anyone? *echo*
Damn James. Will nothing she does put you off?
The Repetitive Planet:
"This is a great script. It's much better than those so called writers' scripts," Morgan said happily.
PLEASE SHOW IT TO ME
"Yeah. Anyway this script sucks. I don't want to do that stuff with Charizard," Firera moaned.
"And I don't want to the same kind of stuff with a lad that's two years younger than me," Raichu moaned.
"And I don't want to kiss that alien guy," Vulpix moaned.
HAHA THAT'S WHY I PICKED TANI, LOSERS
"Please, nobody else quit, I need you," Kelis said. His girlfriend who plays Seven & Triah walked up to Kelis.
"How come that guy who's going to kiss that Vulpix girl is going to kiss me and the older woman?" she asked.
Yes this does seem to be the drama for the episode. Fifth Voyager turned into a bad soap opera long before Lifestyles.
"Come on, original Voyager is on this Sky One, we'd better practise the kissing scenes again," Kelis said.
"Sickbuckets on stand by," Marill muttered.
I was wondering what this episode was missing.
Marill hating shippy scenes. FANTASTIC, THAT'S SO LIKE ME
A little kid ran off the stage giggling. The actors who were playing Kathryn and Chakotay watched her run off the stage. As soon as she left the pair started kissing again.
That isn't Kiara, Kiara would do the complete opposite. She and Morgan love to interrupt J/C scenes. Not impressed.
Marill & Raichu pretended to be sick. Charizard and Brock burst out laughing and they started saying rude remarks too disgusting to be in a PG episode. Firera and Vulpix looked like they were enjoying the view.
I LIKE SHIPPY CRAP. THIS IS HERE BECAUSE THE FAKE J/C KISSING SCENE BLEW MY TINY MIND (that much is obvious). MUSE IS ONLY IN THE LISTING FOR THIS SCENE.
FU PAST ME, EMBRACE YOUR SHIPPY SIDE, STOP DENYING IT LIKE A JESSIE
"Yup! Charizard give her a big wet one!" Brock yelled. Marill and Raichu pretended to be sick again.
"That's a bit too disgusting for a PG," Marill moaned.
"Didn't stop James in Pokémon did it?" Raichu moaned.
The only episode I can think of has the line "kissy, kissy" from him. LIES
Googled, bravest thing I've done since that line is questionable. "Give it a big wet one, fella!" Um, "it" is a Pokémon and "fella" is another Pokémon. Honest. Still very risque for a kids show.
"The lines by themselves make me sick," Firera muttered.
"It's not you two saying them to each other, it's your characters," Kelis said.
"James and Jessie would never be that mushy," Firera groaned.
What is this supposedly better script, an episode of B4FV Season Three?
"Just get on with it or I'll make it so you can never write again!" Tani yelled.
"Okay," Firera muttered.
Tani we are not worthy
For several minutes the two exchanged mushy lines which we don't have the stomach to write, and then came the best bit.
"Eeeew, gross," Raichu groaned.
"Okay guys, you can stop now. Guys?" Kelis said loudly. The pair didn't listen to him.
"So the rumours were true," Vulpix muttered.
Um, is this really happening?
This is not okay.
Jesus, I had no shame in Season One, did I?
I'll pretend that the two were really into their roles and they're acting out Alternate Scorpion. That's commitment.
The last couple stood facing each other. Raichu was a little taller than Brock, she gave him a disgusted glare and she walked off the stage in a huff.
"Watching people kiss is bad enough," Marill muttered.
"Looks like we'll have to cut out the Morgan and Craig love scene," Kelis moaned.
"Ohno, what a pity," Morgan said huffily as she glared at Tani. She gave her an innocent grin.
Shut up fake Marill!
And this is probably the fault of the episode, and my desire to get through this episode quickly. Who exactly is writing this script again? Tani? Kellis? Since it's shippers galore, including James and Jessie, it's more likely to be the writers themselves. Definitely not Tani or she'd be hooking herself up with James.
I'm so lost.
I'm gonna have to go back, aren't I? Cos this seems like an excuse to take the J/C kiss scene and turn that into a gimmick for the whole episode, but with FV writers playing the roles.
One scene hints it's Morgan and Tani who write it.
Morgan in a later one says the script is the greetest, but seemingly misses her love scene since she's all huffy about it here.
The episode is really trying to get me to believe Tani wrote this? Bull.
Oh, answer on the literal next line. I should read ahead before going on tangents.
"I didn't write that bit, honest! It was Kelis!" Tani muttered.
"I didn't write it. Anyway that scene can't be there coz Morgan is one of the ones who's disappeared. Remember?" Kelis said.
AND YEAH RIGHT KELIS, THIS STORY HAS NO PLOT. AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE EPISODE
"Oh," everyone said.
Don't tell me the plot still revolves around Morgan and Tani's crash. How does Morgan and Craig's kiss scene fit in then?
Oh. Oh I see. That's the "joke"
Shuttle Sacajawea aka the Death Trap:
"Okay, we've got the shuttle that has the highest crash history, now lets find a nice planet," Jessie said happily.
Or you could just go home and lock the doors
Okay being serious for a moment, but at the same time still barely paying attention to this so called story. Tuvok told them to go look for Morgan and Tani, two 15/16 year olds who took a shuttle and don't get me started on that one (though it's not the first time this sin's come up). James suggests or jokes that if they crashed one of the shuttles they could get away from Tom for a week or so. Jessie's totally onboard with that and didn't look like she packed anything either, this is a girl who'd pack two outfits for a half day trip.
Does anyone see where I'm going with this?
I guess I can understand Jessie, she's self centered that way. James though? Screw finding the two kids, lets intentionally crash a shuttle so we can have a holiday for a week. Callous as hell.
"Er, Jess, we're suppose to find Morgan & Tani," James said.
Oh ok phew. He still didn't seem to be joking though.
Wait, he wants to rescue them and then crash the shuttle? Seems counterproductive.
"We'll do that first," Jessie said.
What's the plan, you'll drop the kids off (snigger) and then go kamikazing into the nearest planet?
"There is a convenient ship on our starboard bow," James said.
"Oh! I don't want to be blown up! It'll mess up my hair," Jessie moaned.
And crashing wouldn't?
An ugly blob appeared on the screen.
"Ew dévéicer 'n' ssértsid llac morf 'n' elttuhs ekil sruoy. Sti gnimoc morf eht htfif ténalp ni eht Thbéybeubfer metsys," it said.
Oh I know this one!
"We received a distress call from a shuttle like yours. It's coming from the fifth planet in the Thbéybeubfer System," the Universal Translator said.
"Oh cool. Thanks Mr Blob," James said.
"Woh erad uoy tlusni ruo seiceps uoy elttil dratsab!" the Blob said angrily.
There aren't enough facepalm images in the world
Why does this image look shopped everytime I put it in? Meh, all three expressions makes it gold regardless.
"Well, we can make a break for it. We'll reach the fifth planet in a few minutes," Jessie said.
"Go then," James said.
They'll never find us if we run in the direction they helpfully pointed out for us.
"What lazy writers," Jessie muttered.
The shuttle flew into orbit of the fifth planet.
You're not wrong.
I have no idea what the remark is about though. The backwards and accented speech, and that's not really lazy, that'd be awkward to type out. The "the shuttle shot off" line I didn't quote. The convenient ship James happened to piss off after they helped them.
We'll never know.
"Okay, there's a 99.99999999999% chance that we'll crash. I think we should risk it," Jessie said.
"Why not, it'll make a cool special effects scene," James said.
I'm quickly losing the will to live again.
Which is a shame, it took me a while to scrape the remains of it and put it back onto a USB.
THAT'S NOT A LOCATION
Everyone was asleep as another love scene started. This time it was between Seven and the Doctor. Kelis, Vulpix and Firera were enjoying every second of it.
I really hope this play is appropriately rated. Don't want traumatised kiddies crying over the terrible acting and mottos.
And you thought I was gonna say love scenes.
Everyone heard the sound of a shuttle attempting to land. The actors who were playing Seven and the Doctor were about to kiss when a shuttle crashed on top of them. The audience cheered.
Okay, I'll admit that was funny. Didn't actually see it coming.
Also like the fact that people still cheer even if it's somebody playing Seven who dies.
Dunno if it counts. Probably not.
"Ohno! My girlfriend!" Kelis screamed.
"Ohno! Our only guy actor!" Morgan yelled. Brock and Charizard groaned.
Oh yeah, Kelis' girlfriend was pretty annoying with her jealousy bit. That could be why as well.
"Oh wait Kelis. There's your girlfriends feet. Hey. They've got red shoes on. They weren't there before," Tani said.
Aaaw, bless you Tani. Keep working on that sense of hu...
Morgan picked up the shoes. The woman's feet curled up.
"I knew it. She's the wicked witch of the west or is it the east?" Marill said.
"Okay, this story is getting too dodgy," Vulpix said.
WHAT GAVE IT AWAY?
Jessie and James stepped out of the shuttle. Jessie saw the red shoes and she ran over to them.
You know what, this is actually strangely therapeutic. Why?
One: Whatever I write today or in the future CANNOT BE WORSE THAN THIS
Two: This turd is inspiring me to get a move on and reboot the hell out of the rest of this season, just so I can burn this thing off the face of the Earth. Or decanonise it, whatever, same thing.
It's not enough that I simply release Muse In Fear Haven, as doing so keeps original Muse in the Episode Archive. I HAVE TO FINISH REBOOT SEASON ONE. Then I can move the original into some separate archive page that's only reachable via some tiny link in a daft place, put the Monkey Island castoffs in there too and throw a party.
Three: Since I've already done something with World Domination and Prepare For Trouble, this is the really the last truly s$$$ episode of the season I need to read. IT'S ALMOST OVER. Top of my head I think Fear is the worst one now, but only because of the James/Jessie regressing. After this episode though, I don't really give a crap.
Anyway Jessie runs over to the red shoes.
"Oh! They looked fashionable from a view. They look cheap when you get a closer look," Jessie moaned. Morgan & Tani groaned.
I have nothing, the quote still needed to be here though.
"Hey, this reminds me of The Wizard Of Oz," James said.
*EPIC SLOW CLAP*
"Duh! I think everyone has already guessed that!" Morgan groaned.
"Tell me about this Wizard Of Oz," Kelis said.
Ohno, I see where this is going.
At least the play will have a story now, so win win.
The audience was asleep again as the rest of Kelis' actors were acting out the Wizard Of Oz. Kelis ran back stage.
"Okay you writer people, you're on," Kelis yelled.
Nope, it's still crap.
"Give me those shoes," Raichu said. Morgan handed her the shoes. Raichu put them on. She clicked her heels three times. "There's no place like home!" she yelled frantically over and over again. The others did the same and they all disappeared.
Whatever happened to the notepa... oh you know what, I don't give a flying f%%% This isn't funny, it's as painful to read as my back as right now. What a piece of...
"Damn. That could of been our escape," Morgan groaned.
"Hello sweetheart! Since me and daddy haven't been in this episode we thought we should be the ones to save you and your friends, sweetie pie!" Kathryn's voice said in a hyper voice.
Oh my god.
THIS EPISODE CAN'T EVEN GET HYPER JANEWAY RIGHT
SHE'S UTTERLY LACKING IN CHARM AND HUMOUR. SHE MAY AS WELL BE TANI'S MUMMY
At least the episode's ending.
"Which is worse? The Wizard Of Oz or a hyper captain?" Jessie asked.
"Oh the choice," Tani groaned. Suddenly all four beamed away.
Wizard of Oz. I much prefer the sequel. Scary.
"Ohno! I've only got three actors and a few old men! What am I going to do!" Kelis yelled. The Old Man appeared.
"I was the Wizard in my day. You see in my day the Wizard Of Oz was the bad guy and the witch was a..."
Hey I forgot about him. Now I'm wondering what happens to him before the Damien Birth/Revival in Season Two.
Captains Log Supplemental: We rescued the kids. Now we're gonna go home once again. Hehehehehehehehehe! My dog's there. Chakotay, what are you doing with my Cherry Coke? Noooooooooooooooooo!!
See what I mean?
Back at the Hideout:
For some reason everything was in black and white. Everyone was standing around Raichu who had obviously flipped.
Is this the part where Raichu tells everyone it was all a dream, making Muse not canon and just a figment of her imagination? Then someone carters her off to a mental health hospital.
Save me a seat.
"And you were there, and you were there. To be honest you were all there," she was saying.
"Raichu! Shut up! Of course we were all there!" Vulpix yelled.
DAMN IT YOU GOT MY HOPES UP
"Yeah! Quit it with the Wizard Of Oz crap. I hate that film," Marill moaned.
Wow, something actually correct about me for a change.
Though hate is a strong word.
"Okay, this episode didn't turn out like expected. Never mind," Marill moaned.
*EPIC SLOWER CLAP*
Well let's see how everything tallies up.
Ho boy, this should be good. Where do I start?
1) The opening is mind numbingly dull and pointless. Mentioning the Flyer being missing seems like a half ditched attempt to make it relevant. It failed.
2) We don't really see any of the play do we? Not really. No dialogue, except for Kelis' closing narrative line. All we get is couples smooching, or not because the actors refuse to. Marill likes to pretend she hates shipping because??? I wasn't fooling anyone.
3) There's no respect for Muse whatsoever. You'd think I hated it and only saw it once by what you get. The Fat Block, the play place, Kelis' "noo my girlfriend" and old guys comment. Kelis himself has had his personality wiped into this blank slate. Nothing of what made the episode interesting, to me, is explored here. The J/C kiss and Tuvok sleeping bits barely count, they're not funny and there's no point to them.
4) The writers had to appear, didn't they? Like this episode wasn't bad enough with Morgan and Tani being Kelis' muse instead of B'Elanna. What did they contribute to this? Nothing of value.
5) There's no threat, intrigue or complication in this story. Where's the worry about the planet being pre-warp? Where is the panic about the play's deadline, the rewrites? I didn't like it but where's the antagonist, in Muse it was the jealous woman. The Fat Bloke seemed like a harmless bloke, if a little demanding.
Where's the planet/world building? Why would anyone care about Kelis if we know nothing? Why was Morgan and Tani in the shuttle, and how did they end up there? Why aren't they bothered about it? How come Janeway doesn't seem to give a crap? She calls a meeting then apparently gets drunk on Cherry Coke, leaving Tuvok to lead the desperate hunt for Janeway's kid for a week without sleep. How come no one was told to look for them until James and Jessie childishly pranked Tuvok?
You could skip Muse and you'd miss nothing. I'd recommend it. Even in s$$$y episodes something happened. Here, NOTHING HAPPENS. The only thing I can remember is Jessie going "oh yah James is cute" but that still happens one episode after her drunk make out session with him.
6) Yeah the Tuvok prank on its own is a huge no from me. But you saw that already. Jessie really goes back to Team Rocket Bitch Jessie mode in this one.
7) Tom and Jessie's extremely forced argument which I think the cute admission was its point. When the hell did I learn to write decent conversations, as it sure as hell wasn't April 2001.
8) I still don't get what Tuvok was punishing them with. Shuttle Building? That can't mean literally, that's gotta be a typo.
9) You can tell I wanted the Muse play one way, ie all the shippings, wrote Morgan and Tani as the writers, realised that Morgan wouldn't write a Craig/Morgan scene, then while changing it to only Tani in the present scene noticed that she wouldn't want James/Jessie either. Instead of editing or deleting anything, it was winged. Like everything.
10) What the hell was up with the we want a shuttle crash holiday bit? They decided to help Morgan and Tani first anyway, they were told by Tuvok to do so with a shuttle. It contributed nothing but bad lines to the episode and looked pretty suspect to me; oh hey Jess, you wanna pretend to be lost for a week alone with me...er I mean away from Tom. Sure! Yeah NO FOOLING ME
11) What was the point of the blob aliens? They pointed Morgan and Tani are here, James was rude and annoyed them, they ran and then... nothing. The shuttle landed in a hurry, in the middle of a stage on a pre-warp planet. Ok.
12) Wizard of Oz. Enough said.
What was I drinking when I wrote this? The next day I wrote Timeless, so you gotta wonder.
1) I liked the shuttle landing in the middle of the play scene. Sue me.
2) If I ignore the build up to it, Jessie blabbing that she finds James cute and then later gets into a rag with herself (but unfortunately takes it out on Tuvok) for doing so is a good moment.
Marill's Rating: 0/10 Haha at least Aggressions Part 2 has a friend who's "worthy" of it.
Exclaimed Count: 0 (152)
Muttered Count: 23 (601)
Motto Count: 1 (15)
Sexist Crap Count: 0 (29)
Jessie's Sin Points: Earned 7, Lost 1 (23)
Morgan the Sue Count: 1 (7)
I didn't mention it in the review, true enough. Though this is yet another episode with Morgan as the main lead even with the writers AND James/Jessie trying to hijack it.
Seven Dies Count: 0 (5) Unfortunately the actress playing Seven doesn't count.