Marill Re-Reads Fair Haven 2: The Matchmaker

Here's the stats so far.

Exclaimed Count: 152

Muttered Count: 601

Motto Count: 15

Sexist Crap Count: 29

Jessie's Sin Points: 23

Morgan the Sue Count: 7

Seven Dies Count: 5

For a very long time I couldn't remember anything about this episode, other than Sullivan hitting on Morgan after Janeway laughs his advances off. Even the Matchmaker subtitle is something I can only vaguely recall, the episode no longer has a subtitle, so could be wrong.

Anyway, did have a brief skim not long ago for some reason I also can't recall so I'm not going in today completely blind.

Like Demon, this is a sequel to an episode FV didn't do which already has a sequel with a different title (Course Oblivion / Spirit Folks). Only it isn't a FV version/parody of said sequel, hence the 2 slapped on the end so there's no confusion. If that makes sense?? Nah.

Only unlike Demon I really despise Fair Haven and this episode's point was to rip it a new one. Demon or more accurately Course I liked the concept, that's why Demon's a Demon 1.5 in a way, it preludes Course. Fair Haven 2 practically erases original Fair Haven and ignores everything about Spirit Folks, though I imagine a cow joke made it. So let's have a look at the lesser of four evils that was the 7/8th April 2001 weekend spree which gave us Timeless, Muse and Once Upon A Time (which was only half bad).


Tom climbed up onto his chair and he stood on it.

"Tom, get off the chair! You might fall of it!" Chakotay yelled.

"Oh, so you do care, tattoo boy," Tom said.

"Yeah, I care about that carpet. We don't want anymore blood stains on it," Chakotay said.

I'm getting a touch of deja vu from this exchange. There's either a similar scene where Tom is told he isn't as important as a console or carpet, or that skim I mentioned wasn't long ago.

Wait, anymore blood stains?

"How did you get it out?" Morgan asked.

"Ask Harry," Chakotay said. Meanwhile Harry was scrubbing the carpet behind the command chairs.

"Morgan, later," Harry groaned.


Unimatrix Zero may have been a huge letdown, but it gave me the cleaning the carpets re-occurring gag I still use. I'll have to watch the episode again to see if Chakotay specifically mentions Harry though. Can't remember, it's been years. I'm thinking I badly need to re-watch stuff like Muse before continuing the reboot after Upendi. I'll never watch Fair Haven though.

"Anyway, I've got an announcement," Tom announced.

"Is it another Digimon Holoprogram?" Triah sniggered.

"No! For the last time, that wasn't my program," Tom said. Jessie and James giggled evilly. "Anyway, Fair Haven is up and running again," Tom said.

That'll piss off those Holo Q Pokémon holograms, mwahahahaha


This is the part where everyone throws tomatoes and banana skins at him, right?

Everyone groaned. Harry jumped up taking the soapy bucket with him. It landed on the Doctor's head. Everyone laughed at him.

See, Harry's so traumatised of the mere mention of Fair Haven makes him a jumpy wreck.

And haha, liking this so far.

"I loooove Fair Haven. I'll go after I finish scrubbing. Hey, where's my bucket?" Harry asked.

Oh nm, Harry's drunk on carpet cleaner fumes.

"On my head," the Doctor muttered.

"How did it get there," Harry muttered. Everyone burst out laughing.

Minor niggle, everyone has already laughed and still probably are. Burst out looks wrong.

Kathryn emerged from her Ready Room. Judging by her grin on her face she had been drinking Cherry Coke again.

"It's my birthday tomorrow! What are you all getting me?" she asked.

Uhoh, Morgan probably won't be getting you anything after this.

"How about Sullivan? You didn't meet him last time since we didn't have an original version of this episode," Tom said.

See! One of the few episodes not seen by FV that didn't actually happen. To be honest, it's the first one mentioned I believe. Fair Haven didn't even deserve to happen behind the scenes. Though Tom already made the program, his comment hints that it was broken before, which contradicts the comment soo boooo him.

Bit of a cheeky move to try and set Janeway up with a hologram when her daughter is in earshot. Come to think of it, J/C hasn't been canonised yet has it? Aggressions I believe was the last event. omg

"I'm not into Lion Tamers right now. Come on people! I want presents!" Kathryn yelled. Chakotay stood up and he dragged her out of the Bridge.

"Lets go meet this Lion Tamer, he might change your mood," Chakotay was saying.


Firstly, a bit creepy I brought up J/C not yet being confirmed and then this happens.

Secondly, I was an immature little brat calling Michael Sullivan a "Lion Tamer" or anything like it because of the way the actor looked. I don't like Sullivan, he creeps me out, but not cool on the actor.

"He's the jerk who has an affair with your mum in original Voyager," Tom replied.

"Excuse me while I throw up," Morgan said. The Doctor who was standing next to her decided to leave the Bridge before anything else happened.

Uh Doc, surely you'd be able to help stop the "anything else happened" from happening. Also you got a handy cleaning device still on your head, no description mentioned taking it off.

Anyway so far the episode's alright, got a few giggles and the original characters are being used. I'm writing this knowing full well what the next scene is. Well the first three lines of it anyway.

"Marill, why is this episode called Fair Haven 2?" Raichu asked.

"Because it's the second version of Fair Haven," Marill said.


"No, I mean this is the episode where Fair Haven has just been fixed. That means it is the second version of it," Marill said.

"I still don't get it," Raichu muttered.

"Stop judging the title and help me out," Marill said angrily.

"One question. What happened to the first version?" Raichu asked.

"Jessie and James reprogrammed it like all of Tom's programs," Marill replied.

I'm curious as to how, I really am.

Hopefully it wasn't Digimon and was another Worse Case Scenario 2 masterpiece.

Kiara and Naomi dragged Morgan by the hand. They arrived outside the holodeck.

"If we're going in that Fair Hell crap then I'm leaving," Morgan groaned.

"Oh we're not," Naomi said. They entered the holodeck. They entered the boring town of Fair Haven.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Morgan groaned.


"Come on, mum and dad are in the program somewhere," Kiara said as she dragged her sister along with her. They got to Sullivan's bar. Like everything else it was a dump. Kiara dragged Morgan inside, Naomi followed.

Oh snap

I think the only thing I'd change in any reboot here is change the bolded line to "like everything else it was an offensive Irish stereotype."

Nothing spectacular I know, but gets the point across better.

Kathryn, Chakotay, Tom, Harry, the Doctor, Jessie and James were inside. Kathryn and Chakotay were at the bar. Tom, Harry & the Doctor were with a group of guys. Jessie and James looked bored to tears near the pool table.

Oh look we're back to listing the characters and the "were". Maybe this is why there's been less characters in the episodes doing anything.

James really needs a hobby outside of Jessie, or needs to lighten up a tad. Two episode in a row he's been so bored he's dangerously close to repeating Timeline.

"Do you have Cherry Coke, Scarry?" Kathryn asked.

"It's Sullivan. And no we don't," Sullivan replied.

"I hate you!" Kathryn snapped.

This is eerily like many of my encounters with shop clerks and restaurant workers. Or Asda shelf fillers when they had their yearly Cherry Coke strikes. Yeah I knew you'd bring back the multipack cans, it was only a matter of time you SOBs. I know your game, I don't buy any extra just in case you do it again. I can't carry too much, so suck it.

"You're suppose to love me. You know I'm that interesting love interest that Brannon Braga hired for you to have love scenes with," Sullivan said.

"Cherry Coke!" Kathryn yelled as she banged her fist on the bar.

Yes, listen to the man. How would you destroy years of good character development and your image as the badass Captain without him? Where would we be without "delete the wife". You know, deep down it's your fault for the holo Chakotay Seven makes out with. You started this trend, accept it!

Craig ran into the bar and he put a jukebox thing on. Yeah, we know that boring pub probably didn't have one.

A really cheesy song came on. Some guy with a raspy voice started singing. Craig started singing along with it.


"Ohno, it's Two Perfect Girls by Eric Stuart," Tom groaned.


Craig restarted the song. "Shh! I'm going to sing!" Craig snapped. Everyone but Kathryn and the dumb Irish people put ear plugs in.

Now now, he might be good. His actor was in a band for god's sake......... as a writer/producer, and backing vocalist. BUT HE DID LEAD TWO OTHER BANDS AS A SINGER AFTER THIS, but again 2001, we can only judge on his Aqua days.

Wake up now, life's a country song

See, he can do it

"Jessie, oh Jessie!" Craig sang. Jessie nearly choked on her drink.

I wonder how he's gonna change the lyrics so they're no longer about a nurse and a police officer.

Hahanope, that'd be too creative

"Morgan, oh Morgan! A one woman's man is what I want to be, but there's two perfect girls for me," Craig sang just as Morgan nearly tripped over somebodies foot when she heard her name.

I'd say "see didn't even try," but it's not over.

"Oh Jessie. Oh can't you see, you can lock me up and throw away the key. Oh Jessie, if loving you's a crime

A modern day version of the scene would have new lyrics, just saying.

then sentence me now and I'll do the time. Your beauty is simply the best, she's got my heart under HOUSE arrest!" Craig sang. House was sang in a very high pitched voice that nearly broke everyone's glasses.

Yeah I still don't like this in the song, so I'm okay with it. Don't like high pitched men singing voices, but I'm sure you've noticed what with all the Justin Timberlake Dies jokes.

 "A woman's man what I want to be but there's two perfect girls for me."


Missing word lols. Should be a one in there.

This goes on for two bulky paragraphs until...

James threw a pool ball at Craig and it knocked him out. Everyone cheered. Everyone took their ear plugs out. Jessie hifived James.

I can't wait till I get to the episodes where it's a shock when James doesn't do s$$$ like this.

"You're my hero. I thought he would never shut up," Jessie muttered.

"No problem, he was getting on my nerves too," James said.

Oh, hahahaha. It's okay, this is pre-I don't like the word hero development. As evidenced by Mirror Universes...gag.

Still weird Jessie said this here.

"Cherry Coke damn it!" Kathryn yelled.

"I don't know what that is," Sullivan said. Chakotay gently took her arm.

"Come on, there's more Cherry Coke in your Ready Room," he said.

Chakotay it was your idea, you chump

"Hey! She's not suppose to be already taken!" Sullivan moaned. Morgan walked up to the bar.

"This is Fifth Voyager, get used to it Scar. Get me some Cherry Coke," Morgan said.

"I don't believe it! No, I don't have Cherry Coke. Are you related to Katie or something?" Sullivan asked.

What gave it away? Seriously, the whole series is addicted to it, I wouldn't be surprised if they started feeding the ship that instead of fuel. That'd take 10 years off their journey.

Bit of an interesting fact. When I wrote this I probably only saw Fair Haven once and refused to do so again. I have since though, bluergh. I completely forgot the obvious fact that Sullivan never pursued Janeway until she decided to reprogram him and delete his wife. If she hadn't already done this, which is pointed out, then whut?

Too much thought going into a Season One just a joke episode. Moving on.

"Oh her. Yup, I'm her daughter," Morgan said.

"Damn. Er, you're quite gorgeous too, you look just like your mother, are you available?" Sullivan asked. Morgan picked up a corkscrew.

Eeew Sullivan, she's *checks* 16. God damn it. He's Irish, and 16 is ok in Britain (though was FH meant to be Northern or regular??? Does it make a difference?). Still gross since he was crushing on her mum earlier. Also Morgan's not British no matter how many times she tries to pretend she is.

But who cares, she's got a corkscrew. This should be good.

"You see this. This'll hurt if I stab you in the hand with it. Do you want me to demonstrate?" Morgan asked.

Damn it Jessie, the girl's impressionable.

Somebody make sure the fork-knives are out of hands reach.

"No, I just wanted to know if you're available. Brannon hired me to be a love interest," Sullivan said. Morgan stabbed him in the hand with the corkscrew.

Yeah killer chat up lines so far; "you look like your mum, she rejected me, can I date you?" and "my only reason for existence is making out with women."

"Oh! That didn't hurt that much. I wish there was a knife that magically turns into a fork," Morgan said.

It freaks me out a bit when I make referencey jokes to previous episodes in these, then the characters do generally the same thing before I've read it. pleasestop.

"Firera, where did you come from? Uhoh, we'd better not show you the last episode," Raichu's voice said.

"Why, what happened?" Firera's voice asked.

Oh yeah, remember Muse? No? Lucky you. It was only yesterday to me. I wrote the writers acting love scenes out, mostly refusing, all except Firera and Charizard who by the hints we were getting, actually didn't need to act in the end. Yeah *points up*

I know, most of the writers crap are jokes and don't really happen. But still, the comment that this was done behind Firera's back in the narrative is not only gross, but weird.

I'm confused actually. Why wouldn't Firera know what happened? The writers are never portrayed as separate characters, there isn't two Firera's (STFU WORLD DOMINATION *sobs*) where one always shows up in Dimension 5.lame and the other stays in the Third Dimension speaking in Italics voice. I hate the writers stuff, but it's been consistent. This certainly isn't.

Was it all Raichu's dream after all? It would explain the random "Brock" character and the even more surreal than usualness of the episode.

That's it. Enough evidence for me, I'm convinced. Muse is not canon. The only "real" bit was the ending, which was only in black and white because Raichu accidentally read Aggressions Part 2 and it caused her to have a stroke.

Sullivan, being the wimp he is, was clutching his hand in pain. Craig walked over to the bar. "Oh please, I need someone to be my love interest!" Sullivan said.

I'm no expert but being stabbed in the hand by a corkscrew would hurt. Being "wimpy" about it is more than ok.

I like the way he asks this though when Craig walks over. That would solve your problem Craigy, Sullivan already has read & write access on his program.

"Is this jerk causing you trouble?" Craig asked.

"Well yeah, but I can sort him myself," Morgan said. Sullivan sulked.

Psst Craig, don't be that guy. You're not that guy.

"Don't tell me, he's your boyfriend," Sullivan muttered.

"Er, yeah," Morgan muttered. Craig couldn't believe his luck, his grin grew extremely wide.

Craig seriously, read between the lines and get a common sense injection.

"Damn, would you introduce me to that babe that's near the pool table, the one standing next to that blonde haired freak," Sullivan asked.

Hmm, I think Harry already has a date with the cow. Tom wouldn't be that happy about it either.

Oh you mean Jessie and James? Gigglesnort, my bad!

"If you thought I was aggressive, you don't want to go near her," Morgan muttered. She and Craig walked away from the bar. "Thanks Craig, if you weren't there I could of been there for the rest of my life," Morgan muttered.

"Er, no problem," Craig replied. Morgan looked around the bar.

Really? Walk out of the Holodeck, reprogram him into a chicken, stab him some more. It is though pretty realistic that Morgan has to get rid of Sullivan's unwanted advances this way, even after being bloody obvious she's not interested. When even ugly ass Marill has some stories you got to ask yourself hetero men, is it really those meanie "bitch" girls who are the problem, or are you acting like a spoilt brat who wants that toy, doesn't get it, then rolls around on the floor screaming until his mummy relents. There's a reason no one in the store likes that kid and they glare, mutter and secretly hope someone slaps and/or gags him. Something to think about.

"Er.. Craig, where is Tom?" Morgan asked.


"What happened? In original Voyager, Janeway loved Sullivan," B'Elanna asked.

"I don't know. It must of been because she's hyper on Cherry Coke right now," Tom said.

"What about Morgan then? Did she like him?" B'Elanna asked.

Why is it so important that Sullivan gets some?

And lol B'Elanna, I know you haven't been around much but you've met Morgan haven't you? I keep denying it, at least in my head, but Morgan does have traits that make her seem very self-insert Mary Sue-ish in this season. There is one trait that confirms it, or at least for me, and that's her no interest in dating. The majority of her other traits that say this are closer to wish fulfillment, more than likely (oh how I wish I could defend myself against pushy guys). That trait will start to clash when she starts to move away from the self-insert, but for now, lol nope of course she didn't like him.

"You've just given me an idea," Tom said.

"TOM PARIS!" a familiar voice yelled. Tom and B'Elanna turned around to see Morgan storming towards them.


yeah I said it

"You called?" Tom said.

"You programmed that load of crap, didn't you!" Morgan yelled.

DAMN, he has no fear, does he?

"What crap are you talking about?" Tom asked.

"That Irish Hell Hole!" Morgan replied angrily.

"It's not a hell hole, and it's not a load of crap!" Tom exclaimed.


"Sullivan! Does that ring a bell in your thick skull!" she yelled.

"It does actually. What's wrong with him?" Tom asked.

"He's a big jerk! He was going on about being a love interest and he wanted to be mine! The nerve of it. If Craig wasn't there I would of killed him in frustration," Morgan said.

Look at all those exclamation marks and yet "said". Sometimes it's okay to use exclaimed. There are also words like yelled, shouted. FYI

"Craig huh?" Tom muttered.

"Tom, you're not planning something are you?" B'Elanna asked.

B'Elanna you're supposed to be smart, what's with the stupid questions today?

"Rex to Paris. You'd better get this Sullivan jerk away from me or I'll delete him. Oh. Thanks, James, if you hadn't of switched him off I would of strangled him."

"I think your character is causing a lot of trouble, Tommy boy," B'Elanna muttered.

"Actually I think he may cause more good than harm," Tom said.


Did I really have Morgan and Jessie not only say the same thing that gets Tom's inspiration juices flowing, but also very similarly? Let's look again.


"He's a big jerk!

If Craig wasn't there I would of killed him in frustration," Morgan said.


You'd better get this Sullivan jerk away from me or I'll delete him. Oh. Thanks, James, if you hadn't of switched him off I would of strangled him."

He's a jerk. Thank god our potential love interest was there, or I would've killed him.


Morgan, Jessie, James & Craig were sitting at a table near the viewport. Kiara and Naomi were doing a jigsaw puzzle on the neighbouring table.

Window works just as well.

"Don't worry Morgan, I won't let him touch my girlfriend," Craig said. Jessie and James laughed.

"Craig, that was just an alibi to get away from Sullivan," Morgan said.

"We took your complaints into account and we've made an adjustment to the program. Sullivan has been reprogrammed, so he won't cause anymore trouble," Tom said.

"Why didn't you just delete him?" James asked.

"Because that's not a challenge. Anyway you guys will really like him now," Tom said.

OR they could not go into Fair Haven, it doesn't seem like their type of place, and do something else. Or is Fair Haven taking up two Holodecks?

"Why should we trust you?" Jessie asked.

"Because this time I'm on his side," Harry said.


"Computer activate Fair Haven 2, the Matchmaker version," Tom whispered to the computer.

"Why is he whispering?" Craig asked.

I don't believe that nobody heard this

"I knew we shouldn't of trusted him. Lets go," Morgan said. She started to leave but Tom grabbed her arm.

"Morgan, I've gone to a lot of trouble over this. Five minutes and if you don't like it you can just leave," he said.

"Oh fine, I don't know why I agree to these things," Morgan muttered.

No me neither

All six of them walked in. Instead of the dump town, they appeared in a back part of a studio.

"You four just wait here until somebody tells you to go else where," Harry said as he and Tom ran down a corridor. They all sulked and they did what they were told.

Yeah this is the part where you all walk out. Sheesh, how obvious is this. I certainly wouldn't sulk if I was tricked into something completely different, I'd get the hell outta there.

"You can't have any more. You've had enough," Chakotay said calmly.

"Oh come on you d*** head! I want Cherry Coke," Kathryn pouted.

"How about some coffee?" Chakotay asked.

"Coffee sucks now! I want Cherry Coke now!" Kathryn yelled.


"There is nothing wrong with Cherry Coke, Commander," Neelix said.

"Ever heard of hyperactivity?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes, but there is nothing wrong with that either. It's healthy, anyway the Captain ordered me to get her some," Neelix said.

"Good boy, I'm going to promote you," Kathryn said.

Yeah if Neelix told me something was healthy and/or nothing was wrong with it, that'd be my cue to toss it over his head and run.

Apart from some side humour, I dunno what the point of that scene was. Hahapoint in Season One. I know, my jokes are funny.

There was a large holographic audience cheering. Suddenly the announcer, which was just the ships computer, started speaking.

"Welcome to the greatest chat show of all time. Much better than Jerry Springer, it's Michael Sullivan!"

The audience cheered extremely loudly. They started chanting, "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!" Sullivan walked onto the stage, he was wearing a black suit and he had a microphone in his hand.

Oh my god, snigger.

"Hello, today's addition of The Michael Sullivan Show will include, 'Should They Or Not?' and 'Harrassed Crewmembers.'

The question is, which segment are they truly doing first or if they're the same thing? Something else to think about.

Now lets bring out our first guests, Tom Paris & Harry Kim!" Sullivan yelled. Everyone cheered again as Tom and Harry walked up to the stage



"Thanks Michael I will. I know two girls who, even though they wouldn't admit it, would love to be paired up with someone. And I know which guys are perfect for them," Tom said.

Ok Tom, any sympathy I had left for you is gone.

You're assuming to know what two women want, and that obviously has to be men. Cos they couldn't possibly like being single, or can live their lives without them.

Hey even if you're right it's really gross to do this against their will.

"Tom, this program's great," Harry whispered. Tom grinned as he nodded his head.

Well it is better than Fair Haven. That isn't a good judge of quality though.

"Well then lets meet our first girl, Jessie Rex," Sullivan said. Everyone cheered as the security guard guy escorted Jessie to the stage, she glanced oddly at everyone and she sat down. "Hello Jessie, we've met before haven't we?"

"F*** off!" she snapped angrily. The Asterisk words came out as a high pitched beep.

I don't think I'd be very comfortable watching a chat show where the guests are escorted in via a security guard before they even know why they're there, and even if they do is for a matchmaking segment. That fact makes it doubly creepy. You will take part in this hook up show or else.

"Yeah, that (BEEP)hole tricked me into coming here," Jessie said angrily as she pointed at Tom.

"Actually you're here because he believes that you're in need for companionship. The recent episode in the bar before proves that," Sullivan said.

No she's right. She's there because somebody tricked her and then more or less dragged her onto stage for his amusement.

Oh and what? Her rejecting you in the bar proves that she's in the "need" for companionship? Just like I don't understand when some guy goes from "hey babe, can I do you" to "omg you're so ugly, I wouldn't want you anyway" after a firm no, I don't understand this logic.

The disturbing thing is, the stories I've heard about, this kind of ridiculous thinking isn't a surreal fiction. Some idiots do think like this. I imagine he thinks Jessie's very uptight and that's why she was SO MEAN to him, so she needs a man in her life, winkwink. yuck.

"Lets bring out our second girl, everybody meet Morgan Janeway," Sullivan said. The audience cheered as the security guard guy escorted Morgan up to the stage.

"I don't need your (BEEP)ing help you jerk!" she yelled at him.

Aaaw bless your naive heart Morgan, thinking that the security guard is a mere escort showing you the way. I guess it's better than seeing what he's really doing.

"Now you have heard everything I have said to Jessie, and Tom believes the same thing is true of you. What do you say about that?" Sullivan asked.

"That (BEEP)ing (BEEP) doesn't know anything. He's just a (BEEP)ing son of a (BEEP)," Morgan grumbled.

"Hmm, girls seem to use bad language these days," Sullivan muttered. Tom and Harry nodded at him. Jessie and Morgan passed them an icy glare each.

Oh boy!

Sexist Crap Count: 1

It's odd this is here, as I never really got "girls don't swear" until I started my current job. People swear here, apologise I'm there or someone else says "there's a lady in the room", and act disgustingly shocked when I do it. I was raised by a father who swears every sentence, perhaps more and a mother who told me off for saying bloody, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

I clearly still have issues around it with all my censoring. The original ****, the interrupting it joke in the reboot, and $$$#### everywhere. Though to be fair, the latter two are more because I'm an immature sod who thinks they're funny, and still use swearwords from time to time if the scene shouldn't be funny.

and you know what, maybe Tom doesn't mean it this way and he's just an avid shipper, but there's a good chance he does think Jessie and Morgan need to hook up because they're so angry and violent. Because only men are, we're delicate flowers. Still either way, the scene reads as the latter...

Sexist Crap Count: 2

"Now girls, if you were to pick a man, what would he be like?" Sullivan asked.

If. You mean you're giving them a choice?

How "kind"

"Seriously girls. The only way to get out of here is too answer my questions," Sullivan said.

"Nobody," Morgan muttered.

"Somebody that isn't a cocky (BEEP) just like Tom," Jessie muttered.

That's exactly the answer I'd expect from both of them. Morgan's not interested at all, Jessie has singular tastes.

"Well Tom has already determined who you would pick and I'm sure he's correct.


Surely this Matchmaker program would be more "fun" if there was personality/hobby etc tests, questions or little games to determine what their type was. But no we're going straight into "I'VE PICKED FOR YOU"

I'm not saying I agree with a chatshow like this even if it was like that, heck we all got a good laugh out of Blind Date in the 90's. The differences there though are those people went onto the show knowing what to expect and did have choices. Imagine Blind Date where people were dragged or tricked off the street, forced to sit down, then the host goes straight to "and your lucky date is..." without you saying anything more than WTF???

I think the only enjoyment I'd get from watching a show like that would be if someone like Morgan snapped and punched them all in the face, called the police and watched the perverts get arrested on live TV.

"Now then boys, Tom here has suggested that you two would be perfect with these two lovely girls here. What do you think about that?" Sullivan asked.

If no part of their answers involve something like "are you bloody crazy/perverted/creepy, who'd do something like this" or "maybe that's up to the women themselves, not Tom," then this episode's gonna need some brain bleach... and James/Craig need their heads knocking together. I expect Craig at this point, he's still written one dimensionally OMGINEEDAKISS, but James should say something.

"Well Morgan and Jessie are so gorgeous.


 I would love to be with them but I have realised quite recently that it would never happen.


 So I somehow doubt what Tom has said," Craig said in a sad voice.


"Damn right," Jessie grumbled. 


Jessie's Sin Points: +1

That was harsh even for her.

Morgan elbowed her hard in her arm. "Ow. What was that for you (BEEP)!" Jessie snapped.

ohno. I don't want a Upendi Round 2. Don't tell me this was written first.

"You're the one who's the (BEEP), the guy has just complimented you and you respond like that," Morgan replied.

Actually I find the best part of his remark was the bit where he basically said "I recently realised that they're not interested, so I'll leave them be."

"Geeze, keep you eye piece on," Jessie muttered.

"Well you won't have to worry about that Jessie. Tom has suggested that Morgan and Craig are perfect together. What do you both think about that?" Sullivan asked.

Oh Jessie, as a fellow ex-Borg, someone who had a traumatic time with it might I add, you could be a little more sympathetic to her. But no, make fun of her for it. Good stuff.

Wait, you're asking Jessie this? Or are you asking Morgan? Didn't anyone listen to what Craig said? Why is this still being pursued?

"Well Craig's a nice guy and that but he used to be so over confident around girls. It seems like it's starting to wear off at last. I just considered him a friend," Morgan said


I dunno if I agree with the calming down too much, it wasn't long ago that he started singing a love song directed to you and Jess.

"And now?" Sullivan asked.

"What do you mean now? We're still friends but now it'll be a lot easier if he isn't too busy staring at me all the time," Morgan said.

Yeah Craig, stop doing that. Hopefully he will after saying that.

"So Craig, do you have any feelings for Morgan?" Sullivan asked.

Did B'Elanna reprogram Sullivan?

Jessie fell asleep on James' shoulder. He fell asleep too, his head was resting against hers.

Less than a minute ago Jessie was raising hell, shouting at Sullivan and then Morgan. That's super fast.

James I get, he's sat down and done/said nothing. Though he can sleep through a earthquake seemingly.

No I don't get it, this is an excuse for them to look cute for the audience. It's painfully obvious. If they were faking it, it would be better, but they wouldn't snuggle up to do that.

The audience did a big, "aaaaaww!"

Aaaaaaaaw, attention seekers.

Craig and Sullivan don't immediately fall for it though.

"Well, if it's safe to say then.. yes," Craig said.

"Well what about other girls that you've asked out and stared at?" Sullivan asked.

"I was only looking for the perfect girl, and I believe that I've found her," Craig said.

Craig, Craig. Sigh.

You more or less admitted that you know Morgan and Jessie are not interested in you. You seemed to accept it from your words. Now Morgan's your perfect girl. You're putting yourself in the Friendzone here, she'll be constantly creeped out by the staring at her all the time. You'll idolise her to the point where you wonder what it'd be like. Need I go on. This isn't cute or sweet, stop it. All you're doing is putting pressure on her, to make her feel guilty for not liking you back. It's not fair.

"Er.. well for starters I didn't know that he could be so sweet," Morgan stuttered.

She's a kid, raised on a Borg Sphere with mostly aliens. At least it's some proof she isn't my self-insert. This isn't sweet.

"Well it seems like our other guests have fallen asleep," Sullivan said.

The audience did another big, "aaaw!" at James and Jessie.

Ohhhhh, the original aaw was for the Craig part.

Sullivan walked over to the pair and he yelled loudly to wake them up. They woke up startled and confused. They both looked around and they remembered where they were. They both groaned.

Karma's a bitch.

James, Jessie, what do you think about Tom saying that the two of you are perfect together?" Sullivan asked.

"Bull(BEEP)," Jessie pouted.

Since this worked on Morgan, I have no hopes for Round 2 of this crap.

"Yeah, we've been friends for over twenty years," James said.

"Seventy percent of life long friendships end up in romantic relationships," Sullivan said.

"What a load of crap!" Jessie muttered.

Haha I'm sure my "life long" friends of the time were really amused to read this, if they did. Future blackmail material right there.

"But Jessie do you remember the episode 'Holo Q?' James did nothing but help you out when you were in trouble. And at the end, you kissed him on the cheek," Tom said.


"And in the episode 'Timeline' he planned a surprise birthday party all by himself and his birthday present to you was a kiss on the cheek," Tom said.


The audience did another, "aaaaaawww!"

"Oh shut up you stupid (BEEP)ing audience!" Jessie yelled.

"And I'm not even going to mention the episode 'Unforgettable' coz everyone was suppose to have forgotten that one," Tom said.


wait, was that the part he's referring to?

"Oh and Tom, do you remember the episode 'Upendi.' The pair were drunk and they shared a rather long kissing session," Harry said.

Oh hey so that was intentionally planned in and not written on a whim whilst writing said episode, which I remind you was the final one written for Season One. YAY

God this page is gonna load slowly with all these GIFs

"WHAT!" the pair stuttered.

"I don't remember that," James said.

"Of course not, you were drunk," Harry muttered.

Well this is awkward

"Well if that did happen then it doesn't count for anything. Everyone does silly things when they're drunk, it happens," Jessie said angrily.

Hey Jessie's taking it extremely well

I'm serious

Usually she'd be screaming that it was a lie, didn't happen, eew gross, or something. She basically accepted it could've happened while they were pissed. Still annoyed about it, a-ok.

Jessie's Sin Points: -1

"Hmmm, since you forgotten that certain event in 'Upendi' maybe you would like to do it again, just to remember what it was like," Sullivan said. The audience cheered.


Who'd agree to that?

"(BEEP) OFF!" both of them yelled.


"Well what do you people at home think? There's a little debate thing in the Message Board about a few people in Fifth Voyager who the writer, Raichu, thinks should be together. Why don't you visit right after this episode," Sullivan said.

Oh boy *chuckles*

I'm sure that topic will still be there 16 years later. Oh wait

The next day:
Kathryn's birthday party had been on two hours and nearly everyone was already drunk.

Hey, apart from two writers comments that's it. We go straight to the next scene. Whut?

"Morgan, where did you get this Cherry Coke?" Kathryn asked in a slurry voice.

"That planet in 'Muse,' that guy didn't pay us so I stole our reward," Morgan replied. She was giggling her head off while she was speaking.




It's okay Marill, it's okay. A Muse still happened, we didn't see it though. Only Raichu's dream version.

Tom had snuck a video camera into the party and he was talking to Harry.

"But I doubt they would want to drink again after what we told them," Harry said.

"Doesn't matter because I've spiked their Cherry Coke," Tom said.

Meanwhile Jessie and James were singing to the song 'Double Trouble' by Eric Stuart


It's up to interpretation which part of the image I'm talking about. Feel free to assume.

Jessie and James were doing there usual drunken giggling as the next song came on.

Why threaten me with Double Trouble and not do a damn thing with it. You're so cruel. Raising my hopes to dash them and now making me panic over nothing. FU

Luckily they didn't decide to sing. Instead, round two of the drunken kissing session started. Kiara saw and she nearly choked on her cake.

"Eew! Gross again!" she squealed. 



Oh and no, no I'm not celebrating this smooch. The first time they both drank too much on their own. This, Tom should be arrested for this crap, especially if they do anymore than this.

"Should we show them first thing in the morning?" Tom asked.

"Why not," Harry replied.



good lord! Is it too much to ask for episodes that start out ok or good to stay that way, or improve. Do they all have to go into the fan and clog it up?


Well let's see how everything tallies up.


1) Michael Sullivan's scar insults. Not cool.

2) Why are James and Jessie in Fair Haven at all? It doesn't seem their style, especially when later on Tom says they broke it previously with their/his hacks.

3) Janeway's Cherry Coke addiction has long since outstayed its welcome. Her coffee one tops it by far. It also outstayed the episode, I get why it was there in Fair Haven but the bridge scene was pointless.

4) Craig's karoake session, so creative...yehright

5) Still think Sullivan's instant move onto Janeway's teenaged daughter is ultra creepy, regardless of whether or not she's "old enough"

6) Some may think I'm overreacting, but Tom does the holodeck program to inspire Morgan and Jessie to date their two male friends because why? They rejected Sullivan, thought about doing so or did so violently, because their two male friends "valiantly" swooped in to stop it when Sullivan wouldn't get the hint. Nothing stops a leghumpy prick of a man not taking no for an answer than another man marking his territory.

It doesn't add up. Tom may simply ship them and does it all wrong. The way Sullivan's programmed though doesn't go with this theory. The two girls are angry, they're swearing, that can only mean they're in desperate need of a man to do one or more of the following: get their women in line, soothe them *wink wink*, sort out the admirers for them like they did before, and order them into the damn kitchen to make them a sandwich for all their hard work.

If I'm wrong about any or all of that, it still comes down to Tom meddling, thinking that because he thinks and says so, these two pairings should get together or he'll do this sort of embarrassing crap again. Next time it'll be a real audience, NOW KISS

7) I didn't like it, but why did the chat show end the way it did. It was basically "hey remember all this shippy stuff, including the drunk kiss you don't remember," "hey do that again for us," "hell no are you mad," the end. It's likely I got up to there, noticed the time and thought that'll do!

8) I know it's not the first time that drinks have been spiked. It's a touchy subject. I mean it's one thing spiking a shared punch at a party, but it's a whole different ball game if you do it to one or two people with the hope that they'll be "looser", which is the nicest way I could put it. Not only did Tom want James and Jessie to kiss, again, whilst they were drunk, he had a camera to film it. Is that why the chatshow ended the way it did, because neither of them would kiss on cue for Tom, the killjoys and so he went out of the way to get what he wanted.

You know what, forget my complaints that weren't towards her treatment of Tuvok in Muse. Tom deserves whatever s$$$ he gets from her after this. This is why her WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL seemed so abrupt, he's probably been doing stuff like this behind the scenes.

Yes he even deserves Season Two. I have no respect or any sympathy for assholes who spike drinks for sexual reasons. Those people need to be strung up by a certain pair in a cold city centre, with a sign egging people on to throw whatever they want at them. If I were in a position of power, this is how I'd treat all perverts. VOTE FOR MARILL NEXT GENERAL ELECTION! I PROMISE MY SPEECHES WILL ALL BE IN EASY TO SKIM BY TEXT FORMAT. I'M NOT A PUBLIC SPEAKER TYPE

9) Craig basically has this huge moment where he admits that even though he'd like for it to, he and either of the girls is not going to happen. He says it in a sad voice which doesn't make it that sincerely written, but it's Season One so I'll give it a pass and say it was a nice gesture from him. Then after mild egging on from Sullivan he declares Morgan to be the perfect girl, THEE one for him. Why would you do that?

At first Morgan probably appreciated the sentiment. It couldn't have been nice thing to say aloud, in front of an audience. Now that I think about it, it was pretty brave of him to say. Then I imagine she'd feel pretty s$$$y when he started to crack under strain and say "yes I like her, she's my dream girl". If she's your dream girl then that means you do still want her, your dream girl is who you end up with right? This puts Morgan under huge pressure. She already admits that he's a good friend to her, but is uncomfortable with his staring.

It's not nice. It's not her fault you like her. You're not entitled to her. She's a person like you. Yes life's not fair that the girl you like doesn't like you back, but see it from her side. It's also not fair that the boy she wants to be friends with is still holding out hopes for her to date him, not to mention he stares a lot. I know exactly what she'd think, normally. Is he only my friend because he hopes I'll give in someday? And I have to be honest here, as much as I like Craig, sometimes I do think he's like that. Season Four for example he handles horribly, so bitter and petty. You're not meant to like him then. It's only after he starts to mature and admits what a creep he was.

10) To make matters worse, Morgan doesn't respond to this in character and/or like that at all. She thinks he's sweet. I excused it as her being a naive kid with an isolated childhood, but as mentioned it's not even in character. It doesn't work, it's a rushed line to get to James/Jessie and finish the episode.

11) Most of Tom's examples of James/Jessie shippy scenes are problem ones. The Holo Q kiss, even back then it was potrayed as not a good thing hence my all capital letters response. Timeline's, I didn't like that James would do that considering that Jessie again is very private and gets upset if anyone sees. It's why the Reboot version he does do this in private and she clearly appreciates the gesture. Upendi's drunken kiss is not a good example by far and you know why from all my rants here. Unforgettable, ha! Jessie strong armed into admitting her feelings for him in a probably fiction flashback.

Yeah they do have better examples, ones that Tom doesn't know about so why would he point them out? That isn't what I'm arguing for, I just really don't like that the ones  above or any are used at all. The way Sullivan and/or Tom question these two is miles apart from Morgan/Craig's, they get treated with at least what both would consider respect and decency. J/J are treated like a laughing stock.


1) The opening is actually pretty funny in places and sets up the episode. It's too bad the episode's point was crap, but hey. The carpet cleaning gag never fails to amuse me.

2) Morgan ends up in the Fair Haven program because of Kiara, and doesn't show up because she has to be there when this program really isn't something she'd like.

3) James once more getting s$$$ done violently, this time with a pool ball.

4) I like the basic concept of Tom upgrading Sullivan into a chatshow host because of the drama he was involved in, to fix it. I also like that it's a re-occurring thing, at least twice more anyway, that my Tom solves his problems by chucking people into a chatshow.

Marill's Rating: 3/10

Exclaimed Count: 1 (153)

Muttered Count: 23 (624)

Motto Count: 0 (15)

Sexist Crap Count: 2 (31)

Jessie's Sin Points: Earned 1, Lost 1 (23)

Morgan the Sue Count: 0 (7)

Seven Dies Count: 0 (5)

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