Marill Re-Reads Upendi

Here's the stats so far.

Exclaimed Count: 150

Muttered Count: 525

Motto Count: 14

Sexist Crap Count: 21

Jessie's Sin Points: 8

Morgan the Sue Count: 5

Seven Dies Count: 3

Once more I'm breaking my own self imposed rules, but at least it's for a good reason. I have multiple reasons though, one of which is being less than creative right now. The biggie though is what with The Games Matrix Saga Episode 4 reboot going very awry (dear god it's awful), I considered rebooting Upendi so I can do something, anything. I had plans to completely redo Upendi Part 1, maybe use bits of the final scenes(s) and edit Upendi Part 2 since I remember it being half decent for a Season One entry. I thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone and check Upendi Part 1 for useable lines or scenes, while I'm doing its reread.

Now a few facts. Upendi was the final episode written for Season One. If you've read the previous two reviews you'll know already that they were all skipped due to being too hard to write, or something to that effect, and I instead wrote the god awful Muse and Timeless (as well as Once Upon A Time and Fair Haven 2) in their place. The cliffhanger was written before I got to these three. Upendi you can tell I struggled to get going. It's one of those doesn't need to be two parters that have tiny part 1's because they were released regardless of where I was up to. Apparently part 2 took another four days to get going, which was definitely needed.

Part 1 is abysmal. The first half, maybe 3/4's is Red Dwarf episode Pete Part 1. Why? Because Morgan, James, Jessie, Craig and maybe Tani (I actually don't remember if there were more than the core four... sorry Kiara, it'll be the quintet next season) were needed to be in charge of Voyager when events go down.

So creative. I remember copied lines obviously, Seven dying from (omgspoilerz) chainsaw, Jessie and Morgan's epic fight out of nowhere since rest of Season One didn't bother showing their building tension, but Season Two still needed it so ABRAKADBRA! IT IS SO

Let's get this over with. I don't plan on doing Part 2 right away, my plans are very rarely followed through so...

##############

How do you know a Season One episode is a lost cause in advance?

Written
24th June 2001

Edited
25th March 2003
1st April 2004
11th January 2005

Hahahaha

Wow

Oh it's the return of the double line breaks randomly mixed in with normal paragraph ones. I can see it, it stands out a mile in both my web program and the browser. I'd edit them out but Upendi doesn't even deserve its Comic Sans font changed, so...

Morgan and Craig stepped into the Ready Room. Morgan was grinning her head off as usual, and Craig was day dreaming.

"I heard you played a prank on the most respected senior officer," Kathryn said angrily. The Doctor, who was standing next to her, smiled proudly.

"That's not true, we played the prank on the Doctor, Captain," Craig said. Morgan elbowed him hard in the stomach.

Anyone reading who are doing their own original and/or ripoff line count, start your engines.

Wait, does Morgan always grin her head off? I've been reading this in chronological order, not written order, as would the majority of FV readers since Season One was in correct order since June 2001. If I were to pick a facial expression Morgan does all the time I'd pick glare or huff. You know, like a teenager.

"We programmed the Doc to think like a ballerina," Morgan muttered.

"That explains his appearance on the Bridge. He came in dressed in a pink tutu and he demanded that everyone should attend his show," Kathryn said. Morgan and Craig put hands over their mouths to stop them from giggling.

I dunno, I actually think ripping off the source more here would've been funny. Non Red Dwarf viewers picture this: The Doctor hurries into a room, bridge or Sickbay whatever you want, in a Batman outfit, tells the person expecting them that he's only late because he was "busy" with someone else and didn't have time to change.

"Permission to laugh, Captain," Craig said.

"Permission refused," Kathryn said angrily.

"We may have to laugh anyway, Captain," Craig laughed. He and Morgan burst out laughing.

Rimmer asking this, makes sense. Craig probably would think about asking, but wouldn't have the nerve. Morgan's such a bad influence on him!

"The Doctor is so horrible, mum," Morgan replied.

"I am not, Captain! I'm extremely nice!" the Doctor almost screeched.

"Mum, he's been horrible to us since we first met. He's evil," Morgan said.

I suppose it is harder to justify getting Tuvok to wear a Batman outfit, make out with the science officer's wife/husband with it on, and still manage to slip a truth serum into his drink. Reprogramming the Doctor is an easier way to keep to Pete's plot.

In case you haven't noticed, I am not giving Upendi a pass. I could probably sit here for five minutes and list various in character and original ways for Morgan and Craig, or just Morgan with Craig following her around, to humiliate someone who wronged them. I could also think of people who could have realistically wronged them and have the revenge fit, but nah... 2001 couldn't be bothered. DOCTOR IN TUTU, COS LMAO

So yeah The Doctor is so horrible to these two. Sigh.

"Is there going to be a flashback?" Craig moaned.

"Of course, what kind of stupid question is that?" Morgan replied.

HEY I'VE SEEN THAT QUESTION BEFORE

Flashback, 2370:

Welp. Wrong date ahoy. I suppose the prequels probably were being planned roughly around this time. Sigh.

"You must be Craig Anderson, time for your physical," the Doctor said cheerfully, holding up a laser scalpel.

"Oooh, look at all the girls in here...wait a sec, what's a physical?" Craig asked.

"Let me demonstrate," the Doctor said as he walked closer to Craig. Craig stepped back against the wall. "Hmm, I think you should be neutered," the Doctor muttered.

"Oh god no!" Craig screamed. The Doctor walked closer to him with the scalpel. Craig ran out of Sickbay screaming.

Um

Craig's like 20 in this episode, at least. This was six years ago. So wrong.

Funny thing is, I probably thought it was wrong(er) to have somebody beat him up for talking and so thought of this instead.

I stupidly scrolled ahead and think this was meant to be a re-occuring joke. You'll see.

Anyway, in Red Dwarf the flashback could be true but I always went with the idea that Rimmer and/or Lister was exaggerating the story or lying. The guy who they pranked was a bit of a brute, so you could argue either way. Here though I went with pure fiction. I HOPE

"Save it, Doctor," Kathryn said. The Doctor put his stroppy face on. "I've thought of the perfect punishment for the two of you. You, and a team of your choice, will play basketball with a team led by the Doctor," Kathryn said.

Ok, I thought this idea was dumb in Red Dwarf even though it SORTA made some sense. The pranksters are prisoners in jail. Losing against the guard could piss off the other prisoners. I always thought it was dumb because I figured the rougher side of the prison either wouldn't care about the basketball game and/or wouldn't expect them to win anyway.

Here though, I don't get it.

Oh wait, no I do. At least I have a feeling what this really means........*drumroll*

ORIGINAL CHARACTERS VERSUS NEW FV CHARACTERS *DING DING*

Let's find out.

"But captain, if we lose against original Voyager characters, we'll be shown up in front of our fans," Craig said.

I AM A GENIUS

or I just know my own s$$$y 2001 mindself too well now after too many episodes read.

Note, Janeway says nothing about it being "original" characters, Craig assumes that's who Doc will pick.

Time for the match. Bare in mind first, in Red Dwarf the "heroes" are losing badly and decide to cheat by spiking the prison guards' drinks (yes again!) with a made up better than viagra drug. You read that right.

I'm not expecting this here. Yes I'm the copycat queen but I was also the prudest of them all... unless I was threatening a 14 year old kid with a neuter scalpel. I know which of those two traits was the strongest, so I wonder what I will do to keep to the plot. I know ONE thing begins with a C at least.

"Okay, what the hell happened?" Morgan asked.

"Tom kept showing me a mirror, my hair was all messed up," Jessie muttered, fiddling with her hair.

Yes I can't stand one dimensional Season One Jessie and her "I'M BEAUTIFUL, MY MAKE UP" vainness, but I'll admit, I liked this. My Tom would cheat like this, it'd probably still work in later seasons, it is a bit funny.

"Harry kept showing me a picture of a group of nice girls," Craig replied, daydreaming slightly.

Oh Harry, you unoriginal fool. It's too similar to Tom's. TRY AGAIN

"B'Elanna threatened me with a day with Seven," Tani shuddered.

JESUS CHRIST THAT'S HORRIFYING, B'ELANNA'S SO EVIL

"The Doctor threaten to do the N word," James said while crossing his legs.

GET IT, COS OF THE PREVIOUS FLASHBACK

I'm slowly coming to the realisation that maybe I will go down the spiked drink route. Neutering Craig, 14 or otherwise, kinda makes sense. He's creepy, obssessed with women, has the women PADD. Threatening him with that not seriously, yeah. Works.

Threatening Season One James with this, bwahahahahahahahahahaha

Yeah it works in later seasons, people do/have.

But threatning Season One James this, it'd be like threatening to take lipstick away from me. I have no need for that and I don't even know how it got there, now get out of here so I can get back to my games.

Or threatening me with the same thing. Whatever.

Surely James has plenty of things someone can threaten him with so he'd suck at basketball on purpose, but no "lol neuter him". HOLY S£££, JAMES IS A GUY SO WHY BOTHER TRICKING HIM WITH SOMETHING RELATED TO HIS CHARACTER, THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE THING... HOW DID I MISS THIS:

Sexist Crap Count: 1

For that matter would Morgan and Tani be any good at basketball what with very likely not knowing about it until now since hello, Borg Sphere childhood. Would Jessie be any good, what with any sport activity having the potential to make a strand of hair come loose, and the clothes are so unfashionable. Craig; stereotyping the unlucky with girls "geeky" type as being bad at sports isn't what I like to do, so fine pass for him (FYI, he's tall and a good runner, he'd probably be the better one out of the lot).

Then we go back to James. I developed him as being pretty "clumsy" in sports like this, and a bit insecure about ones that involve teams. I doubt I planned this then. Even if I did it's not neccessary to threaten, distract or bribe him. He could be Team Rocket James and I imagine he's at least unlucky.

Digging deeper into this and I see more flaws. I'd better stop.

"Hey Morgan! Who's the coolest ex-drone now!" Seven yelled. Jessie & James put their hands up.

Pffthaha

"You're going to die, Seven!" Morgan yelled.

"That's Annika to you, Kiara!" Seven yelled back.

Okay, I get it but at the same time, I don't.

"How? They keep doing things to distract us," Craig asked.

"We'll just have to take something from their rule book, we distract them," Morgan said.

OH! Tom and Harry are getting their neuter warnings, I assume. The Doctor can have his deleted I suppose.

"For B'Elanna, we use a fake commlink, for the others we kick a** since the writers don't like them," Morgan said.

HEY, I don't dislike Harry. I nothing him.

I guess I do dislike Season Seven Doctor. Fine.

"We can't hurt the Doctor," James said.

"We can annoy him," Morgan said.

FLAWLESS

"Somebody will keep distracting B'Elanna with fake calls from Engineering, I asked Triah to do that for us.

YOU... ONLY... JUST... CAME... UP... WITH... THIS PLAN

HOW ARE YOU PREPARED IN ADVANCE?

Though how were Rimmer and Lister prepared in adv... they knew they'd lose I guess?

 Somebody will have to chase Seven with something dangerous, like a chainsaw. Same with Tom and Harry. And for the Doctor, I've got a holo-remote, I can change him into whatever I want," Morgan said.

Wait... SAME WITH TOM AND HARRY???

WTF

"Just make sure you don't change him into a basketball player," Tani said.

Lol Tani, almost a smile from me.

 Morgan pulled a bag over to her. She pulled out the remote, a mini chainsaw and two small knives.

Um

Mini chainsaw

"Same with Tom and Harry", yet brings out two small knives. So when you say same, you didn't mean chainsaw them. Phew. I only joked about the neuter them "distraction". Ummmm

"I'll have the chainsaw, Craig, Tani you'll both have the knives. Jessie or James can have the remote," Morgan said.

Yes because when I think of knives, I see Craig and Tani.

Yeah yeah later season James is clouding my head here, but I'd still think of S1 James over either of them. Sorry. And Jessie... that woman would choke someone over missing lipstick so.

"That's boring," James moaned.

SEEEEEEEEEEE

"Fine, I'll have the remote," Jessie said.

"What can I have?" James asked.

Welp, the Doctor's gonna be turned into someone who carries her shopping. How awful.

Yeah actually good point. You gave the remote to two people, what does the second person do? HMM I KNOW, WHAT ABOUT SCORE POINTS? IF EVERYONE'S DISTRACTING, WHO PLAYS THE GAME?

SERIOUSLY, PICK CRAIG FOR THIS

(though in theory, James would be perfect for this. Upendi should've been written around that time, ahem. If everyone's distracted he can't be insecure, he can aimbot the net to his heart's content)

Though I am remembering later episodes, even in Season Four of James still being clumsy with throwing. One example of throwing a piece of rubble behind him and accidentally hitting someone in the face. Though if that's not good aim, I dunno what is!

"Well, if B'Elanna has the ball when Triah contacts her just pinch it off her and pass it to one of us," Morgan said.

Oh.

I was expecting him to be told he's backing up Jessie or something, since he's "useless". Pleasantly surprised. Not too pleasantly as the "one of us" would be too busy distracting, just tell him to score "goals"

"Can I have the remote?" James asked.

HAHA COS TEAM ROCKET JAMES IS A WUSS, SO FUNNEH

"End of half time," the computer said. Everyone stood up and they took their places on the court. The New team were hiding their weapons either in their pockets or behind their backs. The bell went and game was now in play. Jessie pressed a few buttons on the remote, the Doctor turned into Cilla Black. Everyone screamed when they saw him, or rather her.

Oh... I know this was written long before in 2001 but I has a sad at this now inappropriate joke. RIP. Oh Love Spell's gonna be "fun"

"What's going on, chucks?" the Doctor/Cilla asked. Jessie quickly changed him into a chicken. Seven ran up to Morgan, she had the ball.

Now surely at this point a referee calls fowl....

......

I'll get my coat

"Hello Morgan, try and get the ball off me now," Seven said in a boasty voice, she was incredibly fast with the ball.

Doing what though. Dribbling it or scoring goals over and over. Groping it? What?

Morgan pulled out the chainsaw and she turned it on. Seven screamed, she dropped the ball and she ran away, Morgan ran after her.

Wait for it

The Original team were just staring at the scene, meanwhile the other members of the New team were scoring in the net. The Doctor was too busy clucking to do anything. B'Elanna stopped staring at the scene and she tried to get the ball off the other team.

Ok I'll accept the "Old" team not doing anything because there's a chicken in the field and Morgan going bats$$$ insane weilding a chainsaw around. I wouldn't know what to do either. Though I wouldn't in a normal game anyway, OHSNAP. Is anyone watching/judging this thing? I think a disqualification's in order.

Hey, Red Dwarf's Prison Guard team got away with beating up the male opposition (what was stopping Kochanski from doing anything, no one touched her! Ok one dude heard "hit on" instead of "hit" but hey). I'M GOING TO ALLOW THIS

"We're having some problems down here, somebody is asleep," Triah said.

"Then wake them up, Torres out," B'Elanna said angrily and she tapped her commbadge again.

Oh Triah, you're not even trying

Suddenly she heard a scream. Everyone stopped, Morgan had dropped her active chainsaw on Seven.

Seven Dies Count: 1

This is probably the work of an edit to make Morgan look less psychotic, DOESN'T WORK, but that was badly worded to make it look like an accident. It's pitiful and a tad insulting.

She could've dropped in on purpose, nobody knows. If you're gonna commit to intentional or accident, do it right.

Jessie and James saw the blood and they both fainted.

OF COURSE THEY DID, GREAT COUPLES DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER. I BET IT WAS AT THE EXACT SAME TIME TOO

Craig and Tani continued to score points on their own

Uh guys, may I remind you:

Somebody will have to chase Seven with something dangerous, like a chainsaw. Same with Tom and Harry.

"I'll have the chainsaw, Craig, Tani you'll both have the knives.

I suppose Tom and Harry were already distracted, so no need to brutally stab them by accident or not, who knows. Phew

Tom and Harry headed over to them. The next thing they knew Craig & Tani were chasing them with knives.

Oh never mind :(

 The Doctor continued to cluck.

I'm too mad at this to laugh

When the game finished, the score was 56:36 to the New team. Seven was dead in the corner of the room, Tom & Harry had a lot of cut marks, B'Elanna was nearly pulling her hair out and the Doctor was still clucking.

HAHA THAT'LL TEACH THEM

Morgan, Craig, Tani, Jessie & James entered the room. Kathryn was staring angrily at them. Morgan had her huge grin on her face, Craig was day dreaming again, Tani was scared stiff, Jessie & James were sharing a walkman so they were slightly dancing.

OH MY GOD, DON'T YOU TWO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT. MORGAN, GIVE ME YOUR CHAINSAW, I'M GONNA SEPARATE THEM

"Seven had to be taken to Sickbay and revived, Tom & Harry had multiple knife wounds, the Doctor had to be reprogrammed. Why did you do this?" Kathryn asked.

Um, self defence?

"They were cheating, mum. They were keep distracting us, so we thought we'd get revenge," Morgan replied.

"You killed Seven," Kathryn said.

Yep the Seven threat was malicious, and maybe the neutering, but Jesus Christ. Harry was paid back for shoving a nice picture of girls in Craig's face with being carved like a turkey. Tani got revenge on B'Elanna for threatning her with Seven, by attacking Tom with a knife. Morgan I don't think was inconvenienced and got her revenge by "dropping" a chainsaw on someone.

Hang on, while we're on the subject. What did James and Jessie do that was as terrible as these three to be dragged into the Ready Room at the same time? Changing the Doc is a few seconds fix, and was the only funny part. James did zero. Seems a bit unfair.

"You killed Seven," Kathryn said.

"Since when was that a crime?" Craig asked.

"Murder is a crime on this ship," Kathryn said.

omgminorspoilerzz

Hindsight: LOL

James: *internally* oh s$$$, since when?

"Mum, firstly it was an accident, I didn't drop the chainsaw on purpose. Secondly it's only Seven, nobody likes her," Morgan said.

Yeah okay Morgan

"What about the knives and the holo remote?" Kathryn asked.

"The holo remote was just for fun," Morgan muttered.

"The knife thing only started out as a chase, it was their fault that they decided to insult us with knives in our hands," Craig said.

HOLY VICTIM BLAMING BATMAN

"This time I have the punishment for you. You will no longer be causing mischief on this ship, you will no longer not do any work.. why are they dancing?" Kathryn said. Morgan, Tani & Craig looked over at James & Jessie. Jessie started singing to the song, which happened to be Lollipop (Candyman) by Aqua.

To be fair I'm still not sure why James is even there. I didn't really seem him do anything.

Secondly, it's been 19 long episodes. Surely you know the drill by now Janeway. The new characters are the annoying kids who are always naughty and rebellious, the scamps are so loveable!

"Oh, I hate this song," Tani muttered. Morgan pushed Craig out of the way and she stole James' headphone.

"Hey, I was listening to that," James moaned.

Haha foreshadowing

Morgan shoving Craig out of the way to reach James. Priceless

yeahyeah I'm betting this wasn't the intent

"I can't understand you at all! You are all here to be given punishment and you continue to misbehave," Kathryn said angrily.

I've gone from being mildly annoyed to bored in a space of a few lines

The gang continue to ignore her to talk about Aqua, and not surprising retconning Voyager Conspiracy with Morgan loving them now. Kathryn reacts as I would.

"WILL YOU STOP F****** HAVING YOUR OWN F****** CONVERSATION WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU!" Kathryn yelled. Everyone in Engineering blocked their ears because the voice was so loud.

YEAH

"I am going to put you on the night shift, where you will all work, not listen to f****** Aqua songs," Kathryn said angrily.

Um yeah, who's gonna enforce that then?

"Your shift starts tonight, remember work, no play. Now get out of my sight," Kathryn said. The five left the room.

Yes this idea can't go wrong. Two passengers who are kids, no job Craig, and without an original episode and character to copy from James and Jessie won't do anything.

"I call Captain," Morgan said quickly.

"First Officer," Craig said. Everyone else groaned.

Yeah yeah FV's a parody at the mo, but come on. I know scary thought, but Craig is the highest rank Lieutenant, he'd be in charge. James is second with Ensign. All of them have so called strong personalities, none of them argue?

"Yeah sure, you can put it on auto pilot while we have a party," Morgan replied.

YEAH, YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH, DID YOU?

"I suppose this isn't going to be so bad," James muttered.

LIES AND YOU KNOW IT

"Hey, what a cool program," Harry said.

"Yeah, I found it in the database, I thought I'd spice it up a little," Tom said.

Oh, I was starting to wonder when the hell this would show up

"It's Upendi. It's an exotic club. It has a mini water roller coaster, loads of bars, a huge dance floor and twenty four hour entertainment. We're hoping to keep it on on a permanent basis," Tom replied.

Exotic. Exotic.

I know what I was going with, with that description. The thesaurus backs me up, but what instantly came to mind was strip club. Sorry. I went there.

Oh and permanent basis is always, always a sign that it's a bad program. It's also a ripoff of the resort program, don't deny it!

"Since when does clubs put in roller coasters?" Triah asked.

"Since Upendi was programmed, that's what Upendi is all about, the water coaster. Haven't you seen The Lion King 2?" Tom replied.

WHO HASN'T! IT'S A CLASSIC

"No, you need a male partner to go on, remember it's Upendi," Tom said.

"So all I have to do is drag a lad on with me and I can go on the ride," Triah asked.

BUT... BUT YOUR HEART WILL TAKE YOU THERE

WHAT?

"It's not that simple, Upendi isn't about the ride, it's about love," Harry said.

"Yuck," Triah muttered.

Triah's no prude, so I'm going with the idea that she thought there was some weird requirements to get on the ride with what they're saying.

"Not just that, it's about co-operation, no matter how different people are you must treat each other the same, as one. Remember the song We Are One from Lion King 2," Tom said.

OMG FORCED FORESHADOWING PUNCHED INTO FACE, IT HURTS SO SO BAD

WHAT THE F$$$ ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TOM? IT'S A RIDE. YOU PICK SOMEONE YOU FANCY, REGARDLESS OF THE GENDER FYI YOU HOMOPHOBIC PRICKS, AND GO ON IT.

"What's Upendi got to do with that?" Triah asked.

YES THANK YOU

"It's simple. In the song Upendi, Kiara & Kovu, were on the ride. They were from two different worlds but they fell in love anyway. The pair managed to show both of their prides that 'we are one,'" Tom replied.

THE END

I'm serious. Why the hell is this being mentioned in a chat about a ride, based on events before the mentioned ending? It spoils the entire damn episode. Go FU past me!

"Good message, but that has nothing to do with this program is it?" Triah said.

YEAH TRIAH, YOU EARNED THIS

"No this Upendi program is about having fun, are you coming to the party tonight? Those teenagers won't be here to spoil it coz they're on the night shift tonight," Harry said.

WHAT?

YOU BROUGHT IT UP

Ok Tom did, but you didn't object until now

Oh and.......... WHAT? TEENAGERS

Morgan and Tani, yes

Craig, slightly passed that, nope.

James and Jessie?????????????????

They weren't even teenagers in Caretaker. Test of Time sorta proved that with its dated flashbacks. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

The following night, the Bridge:
The Aqua song 'Happy Boys and Girls' was on

nope

I don't even care for that one

"Lets get a video camera, we can make our own video for 'Halloween'," Morgan blurted out.

And it begins

Thirteen minutes later:
"That was fun," Morgan said.

OH THERE IS A GOD

HE'S STILL A SICK F$$$ WHO DOESN'T CARE THOUGH

"Console beeping, that can't be good," Craig muttered. The console beeped again. Jessie walked over to the Tactical station.

What's that, plot? HAHA GOOD ONE

"It says there is a ship heading our way, that can't be good," Jessie replied.

I'M GUESSING IT CAN'T BE GOOD

Tani rushed over to the helm, and James rushed over to the Opps Station. Morgan and Craig rushed to the command chairs.

I guess I didn't question it before, doesn't mean I can't now. Why helm, Tani? Did you fly the Sphere? Do you know how? I'm genuinely curious.

I'm genuinely and pleasantly surprised James and Jessie aren't at the same station. Also nice to see Jessie take Tactical. It's barely a spoiler that she frequents it later.

"Open a channel," Morgan said. On the viewscreen a Channel 5 advert came on. The English crewmembers screamed.

AAAH A DATED JOKE, KILL IT WITH FIRE

no Channel 5 is still pants. Shame, best name and the hype for it was ridiculous. AAAH SHOWING MY AGE AGAIN.

"It's one of the free channels in the UK, it never shows anything good," Craig replied.

I'm glad this doesn't say it's one of five free channels. This is dated enough, thanks.

Sky One came on and everyone calmed down. WWF Wrestling came on.

"Oh for god sake, when I say open a channel, I mean accept the commlink between the aliens not change the TV channel," Morgan groaned.

"Oh, I knew that," James muttered.

GOD DAMN IT JAMES, YOU'RE USUALLY FUNNY! WHAT HAPPENED, ARE YOU DRUNK?

"Wait a sec, here comes the Hardy Boys," Tani said.

"Ohno, she fancies the Hardy Boys, we'll be here a long time," Morgan muttered.

um... very awkward foreshadowing. at least I hope not

Probably going to change in the reboot (very likely this particular detail) spoilers from Season Two: Morgan and Tani's friends from the Borg sphere, who will earn a few fiddled with commbadge points when they arrive with their Human names (though I think their backstory was lost in a Game, so maybe I'm being a little unfair with the retcon comment), were "played by" the Hardy Boys Jeff and Matt - I think?

Why is it awkward? Read Why oh Why and get back to me. There are other eps later but can't remember the names. Lea Halalela springs to mind.

You still may not know the full depth of the awkwardness, but that's enough. I'm 100% sure the Hardy Boys playing characters was decided whilst writing YWF, it seems like a haha so funneh whim decision. SO NOT ACTUALLY FORESHADOWING, BUT STILL

BACK TO PLOT

They were black skinned (black, as in the colour black)

OH MY GOD WHY

I feel a rambling coming on.

Without that description I'm sure I'd be blasted for making the villains of the day black, literally or otherwise *twitch*. However I remember that was the point but not the point most would think. This doesn't exactly give the story a good first impression, the opposite in fact.

I imagine I wrote that brackets part with this thought in my head "there, dodged the racist button." NOPE

I'm spoiling the rest of the episode for anyone who hasn't read this, or the reboot... both? Meh. If you're interested in reading the reboot (tbh I don't care about the original), scroll down until you see the next quote.

This was using Lion King 2 as a foundation...translation: I was ripping it off. The "bad guys" in this are regular aliens who have literal black skin (FYI past me, maybe just write it like that). Their neighbours are racist assholes who think because of that, they're bad. They're treated awfully, and so the leader of the aliens starts to get very bitter.

If I remember it right, or if it follows LK2, they're exiled into their own "corner" and told if they venture outside they'll be punished. Unlike the LK2 lot, these people I don't think have done anything but look different. The leader decides she's had enough and fights back. She's angry that her people are mistreated because of how they look, so she does it right back. I think. This part's based on memory.

I'm not gonna tell the whole story here. Basically in LK2 the bad guys look different to the good guys. The good guys are beautiful and lighter coloured, while the bad guys (I keep saying guys, they're mostly lionesses) are darker coloured and have so called ugly features. As a kid it rubbed me the wrong way. It's a bit different in LK2, the "bad girls" are exiled because they were not keen on the new king. They preferred his uncle who they didn't know cheated and killed his way to the "throne."

So why do they look different? Because Disney, that's why. The kiddies need to tell the difference. If all the lionesses looked alike, you wouldn't know who was fighting who in the 2 minute battle scene. If it was really a case of lionesses commiting so called treason against the new king, surely there'd be some that would look like the ones who didn't, and vice versa. They all happened to be uglier and darker. Not buying it.

It's Kiara (LK2's) who points out they're all the same and they shouldn't be fighting. It's a nice message and why she's my favourite (and why I named my Kiara after her), completely ruined by the animators making the so called villains look so vastly different for no plot related reason (seriously, the only difference is they should be skinnier because of the lack of food). All it did for me was make Simba look like a racist asshole. Hey ugly darker girls, and the one guy, GTFO OUT OF MY TOWN

Upendi was my way of drawing attention to it. Make the reason literally that. Other aliens were prejudice of the darker skinned aliens. That way the resolution to the story hits better. It's something that's still a mystery to me these days. Why do people hate others because they have differences, especially ones they can't and SHOULDN'T change.

Then I write the stupid (I mean literally, phew) line. What the flippity f$$$

"You are in our space and you have a lot of power we can use. Surrender, or you'll be destroyed," one of the aliens said.

"Not on my shift, Jessie power weapons, red alert," Morgan said. The viewscreen switched off and the red alert siren started. "Hey, these can be good disco lights," Morgan muttered.

You've never seen the red alert lights? Focus

Oh and maybe turn around. Only fight back when they're still attacking you outside their space.

Okay I know, Morgan's a kid and shouldn't be in the big chair, so that was probably the point. She probably thought she was being a badass.

"Er.. Morgan, we're in their space, maybe we should retreat," Craig said.

Yep, that was the point. Phew. I was worried that I wrote this with the idea that Voyager were 100% innocent and must defend themselves.

"They threatened to destroy the ship so they should be destroyed themselves," Morgan said.

Um Morgan

What?

"They're firing this weird weapon, no it's a tractor beam," James said.

James, what?

I made this idiot a hacker all the way back in Worse Case Scenario 2, episode 10 (after skipping 3, so 7 episodes). Wouldn't someone like that be smart. sigh

"They can't do that, our shields are working," Morgan muttered. The ship shook.

"Not anymore, the tractor beam has just drained it's power," Jessie said.

Voyager goes down like a chump because I'm running out of time after that laughfest that was the bloody basketball rip off scene.

If the aliens were this overpowered, I doubt they would've allowed other aliens to exile them. Unless they're even worse. The Borg would have a field day here.

"They're doing that beam thing again," James said. The lights started to flicker on and off, the consoles started to go offline. In a few seconds everything was in darkness.

I bet they're using the deflector for this plot convenience beam. It does everything. On a slow day it makes a firework show. They use it to cook their meals.

"Oh s***! I'm scared of the dark," Jessie moaned.

IN YOUR ARMS, IN YOUR ARMS

I'LL NEVER BE SCARED OF THE DARK

Sorry, couldn't resist.

"Uh.. second," James muttered.

I'm starting to get the idea that James is one of those people, in Season One at least, that would copy the popular kids to fit in. He's bored that he has no qualities of his own, that stick around anyway, and copies Jessie. Or he's one of those guys who thinks "OMG ME TOO" is a workable chatup line. I eagerly await the time of the month "me too" joke which'll prove it all.

"Oh god, we're going to die, those aliens might board the ship and kill us all, and we wouldn't even see them," Jessie said in a panicky voice.

Is this why Jessie's afraid of the dark? She never sees it coming her way. Shadows and aliens with guns hiiide.

Wait, WHY IS Jessie afraid of the dark?

For once I think this is more like Jessie copying off James. He has reasons for it, abuse trauma and all, but she does not.

"I don't think so, they were just after the power," Morgan said.

"How do you know that?" James asked.

"I don't know, it's just a feeling," Morgan said.

Earlier:

"You are in our space and you have a lot of power we can use.

Sarcasm? Please tell me it's sarcasm. Sometimes it is needed to say so.

Anyway some rooting around, boring slapstick "I can't find the torch" crap happens for a bit when Tani temporarily fixes the lights without saying how. I'm not expecting actual technobabble so this complaint is wasted.

It's this that pisses me off:

"Craig, while your there scan for the nearest source of dilithium," Morgan said. Craig started to work at the console, it bleeped.

"Found one, luckily it's only two minutes away," Craig said.

Ok no it doesn't. I have vague memories of this episode enough to tell me that it's conveniently two minutes away FOR A REASON OMGSPOILERS

"Those aliens are rather dense, they've got a planet rich in dilithium yet they steal power from other ships," Jessie said.

IT'S A TRAP

"I think we should land on the planet when we get there, it'll be easier to get to the dilithium," Craig said.

"Good idea, lets hope we have enough power to land," Morgan said.

I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA, WHY DON'T YOU OPEN UP YOUR HANDBAG AND HAND THEM YOUR PURSE

"That torch's power won't give us enough power to land a starship, we need more of them," Tani said.

OOOhhhhhh

She's powering the consoles with the flashlights. How did I miss tha... you know what, don't answer that. I can think of two, and both have the word lazy in them.

Blah blah more power talking, landing stuff. Seriously this s$$$ is making me sleepy. It's not interesting, it's forcing drama and all I see is blahblah. I'm looking for something that hints to the trap I mentioned, or the fight I was so certain was in Part 1 and judging by the scroll bar probably isn't. So Part 1 has no redeemable features in it??? I'M SHOCKED

Anyway the only thing in that whole blahblah fest that hints to the latter is this. I THINK. Jessie is trying to hook up the flashlight to get more power so they can land:

"I can't get this thing to connect," Jessie said. Craig and James rushed over to her.

"Jess, try disconnecting the other one," James said.

"Ooops, sorry everyone," Jessie said.

"Reconnect quickly, or we'll crash," Tani said. Jessie took out the cable connecting the first flashlight, the consoles went off again and the ship started to shake violently. The torch that was being used for light rolled to the other side of the bridge when the ship lurched sideways.

"Oh s***! I can't see what the hell I'm doing!" Jessie yelled.

-intermission-

"I got it," Jessie said. The consoles reactivated but it was too late. There was a huge thud as the ship hit the ground. Everything blackened again.

So yeah, the fight is Part 2. It was the only "good" (good=original) part of Part 1 and it's not even in Part 1. Hahahahaha

"Those fools have crash landed on our planet," the first alien said.

"They did exactly what we expected them to do, send one of our ships down," the second alien said.

IT'S A TRAP

Will we find out what those aliens are up to? Will the gang on the Bridge save the ship from the aliens? What has Upendi got to do with this episode? Why is this episode named Upendi? What the hell is Upendi? Join us next time to find out the answers to these questions!!

Haha don't be silly, it's Season One

No, the characters thrust into the extra main character roles, chucked onto the Bridge during crunch time, have nothing to do with the resolution.

NOTHING, WE ARE ONE

IT'S ACTUALLY CALLED WE ARE ONE, CAN'T YOU READ

HOW DARE YOU, EVERYONE KNOWS UPENDI THE GREATEST AND MOST FAMOUS DISNEY SONG OF ALL TIME

Find out next time or in the next couple of seconds after you click the Next button.

First: what's making it into Reboot Upendi. Very little it seems. I assume the basic plot and not much else. Punished crewmembers on night shift, attacked, power drained, land on TRAP planet, to be continued. Tahdah

Secondly Midway Stats:

Exclaimed Count: 1 (151)

Muttered Count: 25 (550)

Motto Count: 0 (14)

Sexist Crap Count: 1 (22)

Jessie's Sin Points: 0 (8)

Morgan the Sue Count: 1 (6) come on, she takes command and no one argues with her

Seven Dies Count: 1 (4)