Marill Re-Reads Holo Q
Here's the stats so far.
Exclaimed Count: 97
Muttered Count: 201
Motto Count: 9
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 3
I'll be reading and writing this one in bits. The episode's too long (the longest S1 episode, not counting Thrown Key because it's mostly S2) to do all in one go. The two parters rank from largest to smallest: Thrown Key Parts 1 & 2, Holo Q, Dark Frontier, Upendi, Test of Time, Aggressions and Year of Hell. And you remember Test's review right, that sucker was big and scarier still, the ones I've done are all the smallest ones. At least this time we'll get the biggest out of the way.
It'll be released all together and probably split up into two files what with all the rambling that's due. The warning's only there because differing moods on different days/weeks can change how I write & rate these.
I had a bit of a shock last year when I rebooted this. I honestly assumed it would be an easy fix like other only fellow 2015 Rebootee Voyager Conspiracy, but I underestimated the amount of Pokémon battles and copied scenes. It's a shame too because the base idea without the Power Rangers movie was a good one.
Oh well, let's get it over with while my bad back keeps me from putting my 100% into Reboot Dark Frontier, which it deserves. Seems wasteful not to.
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Part 1 is roughly the size of Mirror Universes and it's the shortest "half", the second is the largest file I've reviewed so far. We're in a for a rough ride folks.
Now before we begin; Holo Q is likely the shippiest episode of the season next to, I dunno Unforgettable and Drinking Game (does Upendi count too??). Which is a good thing for childish me of 2001. To prove it, scene 1:
B'Elanna stepped out of the lift and headed towards the console by the warp drive. Triah came up to her with her hands behind her back.
"Er, Lieutenant, Tom has left you something. He was called to the Bridge before he got to give it to you," Triah said. She brought out a small envelope. Triah walked away with a big grin on her face.
The odds of me picking apart a first paragraph are usually 2/1, so collect your 10p, you've earned it. Why was Triah picked for this little honour? She's been in the series 8 episodes so far, 5 if you followed it from the beginning. I've seen little to no interaction between her and either of Tom and B'Elanna. She's hung out with Tom's enemies more than anything.
If anyone should've done this, it should've been Harry. He's Tom's BFF, B'Elanna was close to him. Whyyyy?
If I really wanted an extra character, Craig would've been the ONLY choice if we still remember Aggressions' tamer first part?
B'Elanna slid her finger through the envelope to open it. Inside, was a small piece of paper. She read through it, tears were building up in her eyes as she read it. The last line was, "B'Elanna, will you marry me?"
Inside of the envelope was a beautiful ring with a small diamond on it, it was the same colour as the warp core. Little did B'Elanna know, the whole Engineering crew were watching her. She heard someone walk up behind her and place a hand on her shoulder. She turned to face him.
Gotta admit, this is actually pretty nice.
For Fifth Voyager.
"Well, what's your answer?" Tom asked with a smile.
"Of course I will," B'Elanna answered. Tom took the ring out of the envelope and he gently placed it on B'Elanna's finger. The whole of Engineering cheered as the two hugged one another.
The End. Best Season One episode ever.
Nope.
Captain's Log Stardate 53194.6: The news of Tom and B'Elanna's engagement has spread quickly among the crew so a most of the senior staff are planning a celebration in Tom's new holoprogram.
An actual stardate, holy crap!
Holodeck Two: [21st Century, Newcastle]
Yes cos Tom's always talked about growing up in England and being a proud Geordie.
Even James and Jessie, who were brought up a few miles away from this city haven't had this. SO WHY?
I'll tell you why.
It's 2001, the new Millennium Bridge has or was about to open. It's a pedestrian and bike bridge that rotates about 90 degrees to let ships pass through. I've seen it do this once. ONCE. And no obviously they let the people off before doing this. Still, it's a funny image right? Totally worthy of hijacking American Tom and offworlder B'Elanna's engagement party. WOOHOO
Tom, B'Elanna, Chakotay, Kathryn, Kiara, Harry, Neelix, Craig, the Doctor, Jessie and James were standing outside one of the many bars watching the moonlight and the bridge lights shine on the River Tyne. Harry held his glass up in the air.
Next time just say almost everyone. Good god, I haven't even gotten to the Power Rangers crap yet.
OH YEAH THAT REMINDS ME OF THE OTHER REASON FOR THIS NEWCASTLE PROGRAM. IT'S SO THE EPISODE CAN USE IT TOO... BUT NOT, COS IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE LOCATION IS, IT COULD BE THE SURFACE OF VENUS FOR ALL THAT IT MATTERED.
"To Tom and B'Elanna," he said loudly, everyone also raised their glasses into the air.
"Lets just hope that B'Elanna doesn't kill Tom on the Honeymoon," Chakotay said. Everyone laughed except Tom who was putting a mock worried expression on his face.
Hardehar, to either Tom's annoying to his own bride joke, or a rather crude Klingon's do it rough joke. Whichever you want. Both?
"Kiara, do you want to try some?" Craig asked as he held out his glass of Bacardi and Cherry Coke to her.
WHAT?
"Ooh, it's got Cherry Coke in it," she replied and she took the glass of him. She sipped the drink. "Hey, this is nice!"
WHAT?
"Don't drink that," Kathryn said.
WHAT?
"Oh c'mon Captain, it's a special occasion," James said. Chakotay turned to him.
WTF?
"Don't encourage her," Chakotay said.
NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT? HOW DID I MISS THIS WHEN I REBOOTED THIS EXACT SCENE?
"Yes, sir," James muttered like he didn't mean it. Chakotay turned around again, Jessie pulled a face at him. Kiara giggled.
WHAT?
Yeah what a big meanie, trying to stop his baby daughter from drinking Bacardi and Coke. SUCH A GROUCH! These random idiots clearly know what's best for his daughter. That'll show him.
"So, what should we do to this program?" Jessie asked.
"Nothing, this one is nice," James replied.
"What are you talking about?" Craig asked.
"Nothing," James, Jessie and Kiara said in unison.
I'd like this reference to Worse Case if it wasn't for the encouraging a toddler to drink alcohol moment directly before it. It stinks now. Of Bacardi.
"Hey, cool, that Bridge looks so cool," Kiara said.
"That's the Millennium Bridge, it turns so boats can get past it, unfortunately one large ship didn't fit underneath it," Tom said.
Well that's what they get for sending the cruise ships down to grab more drinks.
"It's still cool, why isn't it turning?" Kiara asked.
"It doesn't turn all the time. It only turns when a boat wants to get passed," Tom replied.
"Cool, was anyone actually on the Bridge when it was turning?" Jessie asked.
I like the way the past/passed spellings differ when being used for the same thing. It's almost like I didn't know which is which.
I STILL BLOODY GET CONFUSED. GOD DAMN. I HATE THESE TWO WORDS. ENGLISH=HARD, FU AND YOUR STUPID NO TWO VERBS RULE. DIE IN A FIRE
"There was a few incidents when a few stupid drunk teenagers climbed onto it when a boat was passing through," Tom said.
"When did that happen?" James asked.
"I think it was between 2003 and 2005," Tom replied.
OH NOSTRAMARILL I SEE. I GOTTA GOOGLE IT AND SEE IF MY PREDICTIONS CAME TRUE.
Nope. Only found one incident in 2014 and that was only the bridge getting stuck sideways, its first malfunction too, so no one could walk on it. It was on Daily Fail so if drunken chavs took the opportunity to climb on it, it would've been top of the page with a sensational headline like GEORDIE DRUNKEN BENEFIT CLAIMANTS SWING OFF BRIDGE LIKE THE MONKEYS THEY ARE.
So, nope. Guessed wrong. Sorry 2001 Marill. Your game is weak!
"Did they fall off and then drown?" Kiara asked. Neelix gave her a glass of Cherry Coke.
"Kiara, you shouldn't think of things like that," Neelix said.
ANOTHER RED FLAG. This is what happens when you let James, Jessie and Craig raise your daughter, J/C. She'll be downing shots while watching Saw next.
"Actually, they fell off, one drowned, one got hit by the boat, the other two hung on for twenty minutes," Tom said.
Harry's ears perk up, "gorry bodies?"
Oh dear, the predictions are getting a bit ridiculous now. Maybe he's getting mixed up with the other bridges in Newcastle/Gateshead.
Anyway PLOT. THANK YOU!
"What is it Tuvok?" Kathryn replied.
"You better come to the Bridge and see for yourself."
"We're on our way, computer end program," Chakotay said. The Quayside disappeared and was replaced with the hologrid. Craig picked up Kiara and they all left the holodeck. As soon as the doors closed the program reactivated.
Lol Tuvok wasn't invited. Or he didn't come. Either way, aaaw.
And lol again, J/C walk out without their kid. Craig has to scramble to grab her cos the mite is too drunk to walk on her own. Probably.
WORST PARENTS EVER, AFTER JAMES' DAD OBVIOUSLY
OH S$$$ TEST OF TIME SPOILERS. SORRY, WORST PARENTS EVER. AHEM
"Nice to see you all again, how about a nice big group hug?"
"Q, what the hell are you doing here?" Tom asked.
I dunno, he says something similar to Picard but still, my Q seems really impostery in Holo Q. Dunno why.
"Why don't you visit them now?" James said.
"Well Mr Blondey, the new 'as long as Voyager warpdrives' Enterprise, freaks me out, I prefer Intrepid Voyager," Q replied. Jessie laughed as James started sulking.
Haha and so begins the re-occurring gag of calling James Blond(e)y. It's a term of endearment if you remember Five or Back To Normal, never meant to be lazy or malicious.
The Enterprise E comment's pretty blah. Oh I saw an image that had Voyager flying alongside Enterprise E, haha it's the same length as its warp drive. Gotta force a comment in somewhere.
"As long as Voyager warpdrives, Enterprise?" Harry asked.
"Trust me, you'll see it for yourselves in a few years," Q said.
AAAH THIS SHOULD BE FORMATTED IN SPOILER COLOURS
LOOK AWAY
SCREW IT, I'LL DO IT.
"Sorry, that's Season Three material," Q said.
THERE BETTER. PHEW.
IT'S NOT. I NEED TO USE A DARKER BLUE. OR FIND A SPOILER CODE. TOO LAZY. MOVING ON.
"Now dear Kathy, an inspection of your holodecks seems in order, bye bye." With that he disappeared.
"Q, come back here!" Kathryn yelled. Q reappeared in a flash of light.
"Miss me already, Kathy?" Q said.
Still feels like a poor man or rather a dumb Marill's Q.
I definitely improved when it came to writing him. That's not for a long time yet though.
"Okay, Eight, you're Borg aren't you, so you should..."
"Seven," she said.
oh snap
"Ooops, okay Nine, you should know about the Voyager Three probe, year 2262," Q said.
OOOPS: WARNING THIS NEXT SCENE INVOLVES MATERIAL THAT IS CONSIDERED TOO STUPID FOR EVERYONE. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MIRROR UNIVERSES DIMENSION THEORY LEVEL OF STUPID. READER DISCRETION ADVISED
"Yes, the Borg assimilated that probe two years after it's launch, all of the crew were dead," Seven replied.
Let's play a game. Count how many stupids are in every line about this probe. See who wins. Okay. For this one I count three.
If you got more and it wasn't "it's" - that's too easy, then YOU WIN. YAY
Ok. So, the Borg assimilated a Human probe in 2262. And they didn't bother with Humans until they found the Enterprise D or the Raven if you'd prefer (LOLGETOUT).
Why not, it's not like it was a run of a mill probe. It had a crew ffs.
What happened to the crew? Spoilers ahoy, the crew won didn't they? I don't think it's ever explained since this line is a surprise to me.
So yep THREE.
"Well, three Q's were exiled from the Continuum in 2262. They tried to take over the Continuum in their own destructive ways.
One of the sole interesting parts of original Holo Q. Too bad it's wasted.
One Q ran into the Voyager Three probe, even with half of his powers that Q terrorized the crew but they defeated him.
HMM I COUNT TWO. A crew from 2262 beating a Q when even the Enterprise had trouble and terrorizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzed
Somehow they managed to restrain him and his two machines of destruction into a holographic capsule.
SOMEHOW?? Restrain. TWO MACHINES OF DESTRUCTION. HOLOGRAPHIC CAPSULE ON A PROBE, WITH A CREW, IN AN ERA THAT DIDN'T HAVE HOLODECK TECH.
FOUR
As soon as that capsule enters an area with holographic emitters it will reappear and Q will be free," Q explained.
Okkaay, maybe it makes an ickle bit of sense. I changed it a tad in the reboot so it didn't seem like magic fanfiction logic, by talking about the capsule being in subspace and Q involved in his capture. It probably still has many faults. I suppose with it being a Q episode I thought I could get away with this nonsense.
"And you think that Q is on one of our holodecks," Harry said.
"Bravo, Harry. Ten minutes ago Q entered one of your holodecks, I'm not sure which one," Q said.
Wait, what? Oh you're not sure which Holodeck, not which Q is there. That's still very dumb of you, though.
Also reboot fixes this by QUITE A BIT AND TRIES TO QUIETLY TIE IT IN WITH THE SERIES' OVERALL ARC but why was Q bothering with a probe crew *lol* in the first place, if his target was the Continuum? Before the regular Q was involved with Humans, so it wouldn't even bother him.
This is ohhh so dumb.
"Holodeck Two, it shook a few seconds before Tuvok contacted us," Craig said.
"Big Ears contacted you just when I appeared on your beloved Bridge," Q said.
STOP BEING RACIST TO TUVOK. HE'S BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU SO FAR
"The Continuum hasn't heard from them since but that doesn't matter anymore. The point is that the Q I mentioned will be set free and it'll want revenge on anything that bears the name, Voyager," Q said.
You are a goddamn liar. "I'm not sure which one," and then you go and say this. FU and your inconsistent exposition.
Kathryn got out of her seat and went over to Q. "Okay, you're saying that a half powerful Q is inside one of our holodecks, very angry, intent on destroying anything that is called Voyager, right?"
I didn't once consider using a parallel universe Voyager for this Q story, did I?
I've proved it works a lot better than a Voyager probe big enough to hold a crew and have Holodeck facilities. Home Sweet Holodeck's only flaw is it has to hide a few things to avoid spoilers for later episodes, so leaves lots of hints instead of outright saying it.
"To try and save you from destruction because you and the Enterprise crew are my only friends," Q replied.
Aaawwww. Nope not buying it.
"I haven't exactly got a plan yet. Somehow my powers don't work that well inside that program of yours. Q must of done something," Q said.
There's that magic somehow word again.
It's the "for some reason" of Holo Q.
This is laughable. Q is only neutered so there's a story, the half powered Q's couldn't have done it. It's laziness. That's all.
Or it's a lie, if my theory about Holo Q which I used to reboot it is right.
Two holograms stood near an egg shaped capsule. One sat down and went to sleep, the other turned away from the egg.
Four figures appeared in a flash of light.
"What do I care about some stupid egg?" the woman yelled.
Nm, it's Power Rangers the Movie time!
"I'm with her, I'm hungry," the Bolian said.
"That's because you're a pig," the Cardassian said as he pushed the Bolian off his feet. The hologram nudged the other hologram.
HAHA they had to recruit two people from races we've heard about. It beats guy 1 and 2, or lackey 1 and 2. It means no descriptions too, yay! At least we didn't get a description of what they're wearing.
"After a hundred years of searching, you are finally within my grasp and now lets crack this egg," the man said. He put his hand on the egg.
Suddenly it cracked. There was lots of purple goo inside.
Well I can see how this Q fell for the Humans trap. I wouldn't be able to resist a purple goo filled egg with apparently invisible holographic emitters either.
There was a flash of light, a tall ugly man appeared. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Q is back!"
Oh so the egg was like a erm... power trapper, or something? I dunno. Who cares. As soon as its cracked he can warp around again.
"He's so handsome," the woman said sarcastically.
I'm pretty sure Rita Q meant this but ok?
"I'm Lord Q, it is a supreme honour to see you again," the man said.
HAHA instead of Lord Z. How clever!
See, that's sarcasm.
"Do you recall the name, Voyager?" Lord Q said. Q2's face turned red with anger. He threw his arms into the air and he screamed loudly.
"I think he remembers it," the Bolian said. Q2 stopped yelling with rage.
I dunno, I turn red and shout loudly when people try to get me to think before my morning coffee.
"I want you to destroy Voyager so I can finally get revenge on Humans," Lord Q said.
Why?
No seriously. Why??? What did they do to you?
I'm so glad I bothered to think during this episode's reboot. It was super easy giving this guy a reason. Holo Q merely follows the script with little to no deviation. Literally.
"We'll leave you to do whatever you need to do, lets go," Lord Q said. With that the 2 Q's, the Bolian and the Cardassian disappeared in a flash of light.
He has the same amount of powers as you two. Stop being lazy.
Q2 started to sniff the air. "What is that disgusting smell? Smells like...humans," Q said.
It smells like... teeeeeennnagers.
Damn it Tom, put some deodorant on.
Tom, B'Elanna, Jessie, James, Harry and Triah dematerialized.
Sigh
"Look up there," Tom said as he pointed towards the higher ground. They all walked up to where the egg was. Triah was the first to see the egg.
"Eew, it stinks!" Triah moaned.
Okay, until I say otherwise Triah is now gonna be referred to as Kimberley. As soon as she entered the Holodeck her clothes turned pink.
"Erm, have you by any chance seen any omnipotent beings lurking around here?" Triah asked.
"An omnipotent being? What the hell is that? Wait a second did it look something like this?" the hologram said, there was a flash of light and the hologram turned into Q2.
"Eew, gross!" Triah moaned.
I dunno why, but instead of Kimberley I gotta image of baby Kiara from Lion King 2 saying this when a bug is served to her for dinner. EEEEEEEWWwwww, GROSSssssssss
"Allow me to introduce myself, I am the most despised, feared by all mortals, they call me Q," Q2 said.
"Well pack your bags, because you're going straight back where you came from," James said.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sigh
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh at least he tried. It's still not worthy of the Garbage GIF though. NICE TRY
What, you peeps who read the reboot version only didn't believe me? This was James' line, suck it disbelievers!
"You obviously don't know who you are dealing with, Mr Erasor Head," Triah said.
oh snap
"Yeah, we're from Voyager," Harry said.
"Oooh! Where's my autograph book, ha! Voyager eh?"
I dunno, Harry's version of that line feels far less smug and cheesy than the original. Strange that.
"So Voyager is still letting a bunch of kids to it's dirty work," Q2 said.
Oh who let Kiara into this team? Damn it Janeway. Once was bad enough!
"to its dirty work."
Ahem. Let's have a quick goosy at the ages of the party, shall we?
Tom: roughly late 20's, early 30's
B'Elanna: same?
Harry: freshly graduated from Academy in Caretaker, it's the fifth maybe sixth season. No older than 27? I have him as the same age as James and Jessie so...
James and Jessie: 25
Kimberley: Craig said she was 27 or 28 in Hunters, I'm not going back to check.
Kids? Okeydokey. Craig is a big leap and he isn't even here.
There was a huge flash of light as twenty disgusting purple monsters appeared. Q2 disappeared yelling, "bye bye!"
Kimberley: eeewwwwwww
"What do we do?" Triah asked.
"There's plenty room down there," James said as he looked down at lowland.
What are you suggesting? Room to do what? Dance, do a Team Rocket motto, have a bobble throwing contest?
Wait you mean fight? Who are you, and what season am I in? I'm so confused.
Meh. It counts:
"Go now!" B'Elanna yelled. Harry, Jessie, James and Triah jumped down. The creatures attacked the remaining two. They also jumped down to the others.
Wait they were attacked and immediately jumped down to the others. B'Elanna I can see easily swiping a few aside to do this, but FV Tom? *snigger*
Anyway...
"Lets take these creeps," Jessie said.
"Spread out!" B'Elanna yelled. Everyone ran in different directions. Everyone picked up something to use as a weapon.
"Welcome to your nightmare," Jessie said, she picked up a sharp piece of wood. She whacked a few of the creatures with it.
I haven't seen Power Rangers the Movie since, at most 2001. It must've been that year since I had the lines memorised enough to use them. Still, when I read this I can hear the original characters saying them, how they say them, what they're doing when they do.
This is not a good thing. I recently had the opposite of this when re-watching Talos/Tales of the Mummy on Youtube (strangely saw the cut down version, with a rather hilarious "new" scene involving death by toilet. Thanks Sky for censoring this, it would've been fun to parody that in Season Three). At least Scary But True Part 2 had no sequel to rely on, all original.
Well whatever, back to the Power Rangers fight scene. You'll be grateful that this is an actual fight scene when the next ones rear their heads.
James stood in front on a creature running towards him as one started to run up behind him, last second he moved out of the way. The creatures ran into each other.
And so it begins.
Notice how everyone's individual fight scenes are direct rip offs of the movie's and/or actually involve fighting. Jessie has an exact quote and beats some up with a stick. Harry does some ninja s$$$ with ducking and leg swiping. Triah punches and kicks. B'Elanna kicks ass as she should.
James steps out of the way.
It's not only him, Tom mostly copies his technique with tricking some into a wall. At least he pushes one afterward.
You wanna read something funny? TOUGH! (Ahem, sorry couldn't resist.) I'm gonna give you a probably funny fact about FV I haven't shared before with anyone. Warning Spoilers for Season Two episode 6 onwards, and the prequels (if you wanna avoid, skip to the next quote): For some reason for many, many years during FV's early run I had difficulty writing James' fight scenes. Not just fight scenes full stop, James'. Though TBF, I remember having similar trouble with Morgan's cartwheel kick in Thrown Key Part 2.
Why? What difficulty exactly? I think his Season One persona was getting in the way. It must not have been easy completely rewiring his character to fit the new idea. It felt strange, OOC and funny to have him fighting and doing well at it. Look at Chain Reaction in Season Three, if you've read it already anyway, see how easily I make him get overwhelmed. Look at Games Resistance. It may seem like I was upping Morgan over James because she was the Sue/favourite, but it was really me still thinking of him as goofy and cowardly S1 James.
It's a feeling I've only in recent years managed to shake off. James has been the bad tempered Slayer for all but eight months of his existence. That's little over 15 years. Season One's legacy and its lingering effects cannot be underestimated. It's a real thing.
This is why James doesn't physically do anything here. I wanted to sort him out and change him, be a part of bigger things come Season Two along with Morgan. This was why it took till Season Two itself to really kick things into gear.
Triah screamed, Tom and B'Elanna turned around quickly. The others were being cornered. Six creatures went over to Tom and B'Elanna. Restraining them, the creatures managed to drag the two over to the others.
"Er guys, is this a good time to call upon those holographic creatures that Q gave us?" James asked.
Oh yeah here it comes. This, I'll get into this later when the time is right. Even if that time is after a break or two. I won't forget it.
"All right, lets do it," B'Elanna said. They all brought a small ball from their pockets, when it was in their palms the balls grew larger. They all threw the balls to the ground.
Gee, I wonder what these creatures are.
Tom's hit the ground first. There was a brief flash of light and a small cute creature appeared. It was green and it had a large leaf on it's head. The ball went back into Tom's hand. "Chika!" he squeaked.
Oh god, it's funny because the series very rarely describes things, unless it's somebody's clothes. A lot of 2001-effort went into describing what the balls do during this sequence, like it matters.
It was blue with several lighter blue steaks on it's skin. The ball went back into Harry's hand. "Phro, phro!" is squeaked.
"It's a frog!" Harry moaned.
Oh yeah like Firera and her namesake, Harry's creature is made up so I could copy this joke from the movie. I mustn't have filled the Pokédex in Gold/Silver/Crystal and/or bothered to check online, because there was a frog Pokémon I could've used. I never liked the Poliwag family and still think the stupid green Politoad is a daft looking sod, so maybe I did know and didn't want to use it.
December 2016 Edit: That's probably because Gold/Silver weren't released in the UK till November 2001 - although I did play a bit of a badly translated/glitched rom before getting it. Marill and Togepi were in the anime long before the games, that's how I knew them. Chikorita I probably knew about because of the rom, it was a starter after all. Though if S2's The Slayers is any indication, the anime was in the Gold/Silver period before the game came out here. Hmmm....
A unusually cute insect appeared. It had a cute little face, it had pale yellow skin and medium sized wings on it's back. It was big enough to have someone on it's back. The ball went back to Triah's hand. "Toge, toge, ta!" it squeaked.
And another. Triah's is a made up evolved third form of a real one, which funnily enough did get a third form in later games. It wasn't called Togeta and didn't match the description whatsoever. Quoted from bulbagarden.net: "Togekiss is a white, avian with an ovoid body. -blahblah- its wings are broad and triangular. Red and blue triangular markings over its underside." It's like the creators saw my description and avoided it at all costs. I don't blame them. Though Togekiss looks like a fat fairy, so who really won this battle?
Anyway blah blah: Tom gets Chikorita, B'Elanna gets badass Charizard, Harry and Triah get made up 'mon, Jessie gets Firera (another made up 'mon we already know), and James gets Arbok. Interesting since Arbok was TR-Jessie's.
"Er, guys, where did the gross purple things go?" Triah asked. Everyone looked around, there was no sign of the creatures.
It took you a gazillion paragraphs to describe the Pokémon coming out, so they probably went for dinner and a shower while they were waiting.
Not really a flaw in FV, Power Rangers enemies always wait for them to do their showy morphin and zord piecing together.
"Careful, it could be a trap," Tom said. Everyone nodded and they followed Tom and B'Elanna. The Holo-Pokémon followed their new masters.
Oops missed a one! The 2003 edits went out of its way to change this awayteam and future FV universe Pokémon into "Game Creatures". The writers were kept as what they really were. I think. I assume the - threw off the find and replace function. Can't rely on "whole word" all the time Marill, when will you learn?
"What's taking him so long?" Neelix asked.
"Be patient, Mr Neelix," Tuvok said.
"Neelix is right, he should have sorted the away team out by now," Chakotay said. Right on cue, Q appeared. Kathryn walked over to him.
"What took you so long?" Tuvok asked.
This won't have been done on purpose but still LOL, hypocrite Tuvok
"Bad news, Kathy, the away team was too late, Q will be heading for Engineering now," Q said seriously for a change.
"Computer, seal off Engineering with a level twelve force field," Seven said.
Why are we in Engineering now?
Wouldn't it make more sense for Q to warn them where he's going, and then they go to it? Of course, but FV doesn't like to make sense yet.
"Why Engineering?" Neelix asked. Craig walked into Engineering.
"Stupid question, Neelix, if he wants to destroy us, this is the perfect place to do it," Craig said.
I'm lost, where are we again? I know "walked into the room" is annoyingly repetitive but wow.
Oh and I'm gonna Cinema Sins this one. Craig could not have heard that question so he could answer it. Ding.
"Quite right Blondey, anyway Eight Of Nine a forcefield will not help," Q said. Seven rolled her eyes at Q's skit of her name.
NOOO that's James' nickname. Shame on you!
and oh snap.
"Hmm, quite a posh little ship, I guess the Federation has invested it's money well over the past century, they can build something pretty nice," Q2 said as he walked further towards the group.
Hmm, dunno when money was abolished on Earth, could've been after the probe. I may allow this.
Neelix tried to stop him from going any further but Q2 only laughed. "What a pest," he said as he pointed his finger at Neelix, suddenly he was hit by an energy blast. The Doctor, Seven and Chakotay went over to him.
Neelix that's Ash level of stupid. I'm surprised he didn't try to punch the all powerful being and get turned into a stone for his stupid trouble.
"Oh shut up, Q, ten minutes out of the egg and I'm already putting up with your big mouth. Voyager locked and threw me away like yesterdays trash. Do you know what it's like to be locked in a egg for a century, it's boring," Q2 said.
"Your actions are illogical, why harm this Voyager and crew when it was the Voyager probe that did this to you," Tuvok said.
Logic whaaa, what's that? I'm so confused again.
Still, a good question to the PR whinefest.
"I've got to get revenge on somebody, Dumbo, I can't get revenge on skeletons," Q2 said.
YES WE GET IT, TUVOK'S A VULCAN. HAVE WE BEEN RACIST TO NEELIX YET?
"Voyager robbed me of my pride, I was the most powerful rogue in the universe and now it's time to gain vengeance," Q2 said.
Well you were bested by a crewed probe that pulled a Holodeck shaped like an egg out its ass, I'd be embarrassed too. Next Gen did it first.
He raised his arms in the air and every console exploded around him sending crewmen flying. Tuvok got hit in the face by one of the consoles exploding. The last thing he heard before he fell unconscious was Q2's evil laughter.
LEAVE TUVOK ALONE
You'd think I hated him. I didn't. The poor man just didn't fit into crazy FV, I couldn't write him at all. Though this, he was picked for this injury because somebody had to be dying in Zordon's place. Tuvok was the closest, character wise.
"This place gives me the creeps," James muttered.
"Coward," B'Elanna muttered. A pipe cracked loudly which echoed through the area, Jessie and James jumped.
Yeah where have you been?
"Anything, Harry?" B'Elanna asked.
"The readings are all over the place, I don't know what these purple things are made of but I can't track them down," Harry replied.
Oh lord, I'm hearing the Power Rangers talking again. Harry's is especially funny for me as I'm used to this guy's voice being in every video game I've played. If I start shouting PERSONA you may know why.
"Wait, over there!" Harry yelled as he pointed towards a shadow behind one of the pillars. Suddenly the creatures emerged from their hiding places.
"Here they come," Jessie said.
"Well lets see what these things can do," Tom said.
Here we go. Round 1 out of 3 of the Pokémon fights.
I'm so glad it's nearly the cut off time I chose for my break.
"All right, Phrog, Lick attack!" Harry yelled. The frog creature jumped up into the air and it's long tongue licked the creature. The creature fainted. Phrog wasn't to happy after that attack.
Kimberley: EEeeeewww!
A creature ran up to Triah. She kicked it several times. "You bugs make me sick, sick, sick!" she exclaimed. The creature fell over eventually.
Oh at least Triah missed the memo about using her Pok... Game Creatures. She's still Kimberley though.
"Chikorita, Razor Leaf attack!" he yelled. The creature's leaf span and a few little leafs flew out and they hit the creatures. They weren't hurt. "Damn, they must be full of poison, Q said grass moves are no good against them," Tom muttered.
Learn something new everyday. Q plays Pokémon in his spare time.
The creatures got closer to him. "Chikorita, use your Vine Whip to grab that pipe," Tom ordered. Chikorita obeyed and two vines came out of it and grabbed a large pipe above their heads. Tom grabbed Chikorita and it pulled them both up to safety.
The creatures ran straight off the side of the multi storey. A car drove past it and they all got run over. There was lots of purple goo on the road.
I'm honestly not sure, did something similar happen in the movie? Maybe not the car part, though I'm not sure tbh. Pokémon stuff is a bore but at least Tom's creative with it.
Jessie was attacked by a creature. "Firera use your Fire Spin to slow it down!"
Oh we're gonna be here a while. It'll slow things down all right.
The fire died down and Jessie kicked it a couple of times. It fell off the side of the multi storey. Another car came past.
Ok the car running things over gag is definitely not a PR thing. I'm gonna assume the Power Rangers just beat them to mulch or something, and well I can't have my mc's do that. Have cars do it.
James and Harry got knocked over by a group of creatures. They fell down the slope to the lower level. They stood back up. "Arbok! Use your Wrap attack!" James yelled.
Arbok, that Fire Spin attack Jessie did looked neat, use your equivalent.
The snake coiled itself around a pillar and it leaped off it. It grabbed a few of the creatures with it's body and it squashed them until they went splat. Goo landed on James and Harry's faces.
"Eew, gross," James muttered.
Kimberley: THAT'S MY LINE
Lion King Kiara: HEY, I HAD IT FIRST
Kimberley: You did? What year was my movie again?
Lion King Kiara: I dunno.
Kimberley: DRAT
Harry's Phrog leaped down to Harry's side as more creatures came after him. Phrog's large tongue came back out and it grabbed the two creatures just like Arbok did.
"Eew, gross again!" James said as he wiped the goo off his face. Harry just laughed since more goo landed on James. More creatures came after them
Oh dear lord.
Harry copied off the copier. Gross again. This is gonna be a long review.
"Geez, they don't know when to quit," Harry muttered.
"Double Wrap?" James asked, he grinned. Harry nodded with a grin.
"Double Wrap Attack!" Harry and James ordered.
Yes I'd like a double wrap with extra cheese. No coleslaw or any crap like that.
"Eew, gross again, again!" James said.
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One creature attacked B'Elanna. She tried to punch it but it grabbed her by the arms and then threw her down the slope to the lower level. She dragged herself backup.
That's what you get for not standing around barking orders at Pokémon
"That does it!" she exclaimed. The dragon saw what happened and it's eyes glowed in anger.
CHARIZARD USED RAGE.
IT'S NOT A DRAGON FYI
"Good work, Charizard, now use your Seismic Toss!" she yelled. Charizard smiled and it flew high into the air, it dropped the creature when it was about fifty foot in the air.
Gawd, you'd think I only watched the anime. Seismic Toss is only ever good on low level Pokémon with tiny HP, not this huge badass move that gets the bumps goosed.
The creature splatted against a lamppost. Purple goo splatted on an old man's face.
"Oh god, it's the Old Man," James groaned. Jessie & Firera ran up to him.
NOOOO I FORGOT
"In my day, there was no purple creatures splatting against lampposts, which in my day were called light posts..." the Old Man blabbered on.
It's not your best, I'll admit.
"Arbok grab one of the creatures," James ordered. Arbok grabbed a creature that was running up behind it. "Drop it on that old man," James ordered. Arbok threw the creature on top of the Old Man.
"Oh dear, you can't kill the Old Man..." he said before he fell unconscious.
I... I dunno what to think here other than James showing his homicidal side early again? Making a giant snake drop a purple goo thingy on top of an old dude.
Marill and Raichu appeared. Marill grabbed the notepad off Raichu and scribbled out a few lines about James getting badly hurt.
Yeah, best save that one for Season Five.
"Thanks, Jimmy. Raichu how the hell did the Old Man get into the story? I put in extra security things," Marill asked. Raichu shrugged.
I called him Jimmy. It's a fact, Marill in FV is not me. Calling any James character Jim, Jimmy or Jimbo annoys the crap out of me.
Extra security things? What, like using the lock on the front door, a keyboard chained to the computer with that cable thingie. A password?
"I don't know," Raichu replied. Damien appeared next to them, stroking a toy rabbit.
"Hello everybody!" Damien yelled.
"Hey haven't you got some rabbits to feed," Marill said angrily.
oh snap
"The rabbits, bwahahaha! Note to self, the girl knows too much," Damien muttered.
Oh yeah this line is still here. great.
Raichu grabbed the Pad back off Marill and she quickly wrote down the next few lines that would get rid of this rabbit lover. Togepi appeared with a dagger in her hands. Damien screamed and he ran into a dimensional rift. Togepi moaned.
"Oh, I wanted to kill him!" Togepi moaned.
Oh why this is soo so bad and explains so much, I cannot say. Trust me, it's bad.
"Thanks Togepi, I think later I'll put you in the main cast list for Fifth Voyager, maybe Harry's love interest," Marill said.
And so from that day on Emma joins the growing stream of main characters destined to be demoted to regulars.
More Pokémon battles happen.
Jessie was attacked by two more creatures while Firera was busy fighting other creatures. She hadn't seen them so she was taken by surprise. She crashed into a pillar.
Then this happens.
"Arbok use your Glare attack!" James yelled. Arbok's eyes glowed and it's glare scared the living daylights out of the creatures.
No not that. This is the GOAT Glare attack anyway.
IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE. AND GLARE ISN'T EVEN THAT KIND OF ATTACK. THAT'S HOW EFFECTIVE THIS ONE IS
I mean Jesus. I dunno how Kiara isn't a goody two shoes with this woman as her mother.
Anyway trying again, this happens:
James ran over to Jessie who had hurt her back. He helped her up. The creatures were paralyzed from the glare. One creature ran up to James and Jessie. "Oh get lost!" he yelled, he pushed it off the side. No a car didn't come, a lorry did instead.
There's my boy.
Typical that S1-James' first glimmers of new/present day James revolve around Jessie. Tale as old as time.
Lol'd at the lorry though. I was instantly reminded of that Buffy episode where a similar scene occurred, and a character later responds to the lorry/truck part of the story with "you threw it at her?"
"I'm getting very sick of these purple freaks," Jessie grumbled.
"Yeah, lets kick some purple a**," James said.
Don't panic folks. He'll be back to whimpering sidekick by the next episode. Or rather the next canon episode, Timeline. It's gonna be a different kind of ride. Oh boy.
"Why fight these things the normal way? When we can just cheat," Tom asked.
Holoaddict Tom only thinks of this now.
Haha oh boy.
"Exactly, computer transport us out of the multi storey and then take away all of the pillars," B'Elanna said.
"Acknowledged"
They beamed away, then a second later the pillars disappeared. "Uhoh!" the creatures exclaimed. The multi storey collapsed. Purple goo went everywhere.
Yay, if you wondered if FV could get anymore cartoony, the answer is always yes.
The away team cheered loudly. Tom and Harry hi fived each other. Triah jumped up and down like a little kid.
The holodeck shook and the whole program flickered violently. Suddenly it stopped. The holo-creatures disappeared.
Oh yeah um, the Pokémon disappear when the program corrupts. Remember this later.
"Something's wrong," B'Elanna said. James and Jessie looked puzzled.
"We'd better get to Engineering," Tom said. Everyone ran across the rubble towards the holodeck exit.
Why so puzzled, did you think this is what normally happens in Newcastle? Forget this was supposed to be based in a particular city? Yeah so did I.
The corridors were pitch black. The away team finally reached Engineering's entrance. The door wouldn't open.
"What the hell is going on?" Triah asked.
"Lets get it open," Tom said. He and Harry pulled the door open. A nearby console exploded spreading sparks. Triah screamed in shock. Engineering was a huge mess. The away team walked inside.
Triah keeps on Kimberley'ing. Makes me wonder how the Pink Ranger even got nominated for this gig. Girl screams and eews your ears off.
"Oh god!" Triah gasped. She ran towards the warp core. Everyone followed her when they saw what she was running too. Tuvok was lying badly hurt on the floor. The Doctor and Kathryn was trying to treat him but they obviously weren't having much luck.
The group didn't notice Seven, Chakotay & Craig trying to treat Neelix out of sight.
Oh yeah, get that scrub Neelix out of the way. Tuvok's death is much more tear-jerking.
"Why aren't you in Sickbay?" B'Elanna asked.
"Because it's not possible, the power is gone, we can't get him there in time," Kathryn said.
CARRY HIM?
"We're losing him, there's nothing I can do," the Doctor said.
Remember this. I know I'm asking you to remember a lot. I usually re-quote anyway but I have a feeling I'll forget one thing at least. I usually skim before returning to work on these reviews. Should be fine.
"Lieutenant?" Seven said from behind them. They all turned to face her, Craig & Chakotay. They looked worse for where. Craig had an horrific scar on the side of his face. Chakotay had bruises and cuts spread over his forehead. Seven had bruises all over her face and her hair had fallen out of her usual bun.
Worse for where
HORRIFIC SCAR
Bruises... and OH GOD SEVEN'S HAIR'S FALLEN OUT OF ITS BUN. S$$$ I'M SURPRISED JANEWAY HASN'T GONE TO "TIME'S UP" MODE.
"I'll be fine. I know a way we can gain power for the ship," Seven said.
"How?" Jessie asked.
"We have to go to Phados One, it's nearby but very dangerous," Kathryn said.
AKA Convenienta 47
"How will we get to Phados One, then?" Harry asked.
"Voyager's life support will not last long, we don't have much time," Craig said as he worked at a station. Seven walked over to the station.
"I might be able to reroute power from life support on decks one to five, those decks are deserted," Seven said.
Um
Why are they deserted? The attack was in Engineering right, Deck 11. Just because you're hanging around in Engineering, doesn't mean the Bridge is empty.
Also, how do you know they're deserted if the power's only reserved for life support?
I know this one's a Voyager and probably Star Trek gripe I've always had, but why does the Holodeck have an independent power source? I'd have life support, inertia dampeners and gravity control on that. Heck, replicators too. WTF?
"Then we'll be able to get transporters on line," Chakotay said.
"I hope this isn't what I think it is," James muttered.
Forget the next episode. James is already back to spineless oaf mode.
See what I mean about inconsistency? James just can't keep to one character for ONE BLOODY EPISODE. How did anyone like him in Season One if he kept flipping from one to another? Did anyone?
Though I'm saying this and for all I know everyone who reads FV hates present day James and wishes he was back to his S1 multiple selves.
"I'm afraid so, you'll have to transport to Phados One, Seven said there's a great power on the planet's surface. Unfortunately everyone who's tried to get it have died," Kathryn said.
Interesting. Seven memorised the area of space they were in. K? She still hasn't been demoted to butt of the violent jokes yet, I noticed that when she was injured and people seemed to care. Or at least not laugh at her.
"But you will not fail," Q said as he appeared.
"Why do you think that?" B'Elanna asked.
"I have an old Q friend on that planet, she's the protector of the planet. Just mention me to her and she might help you," Q said.
Might? Ok I'm in.
"If we transport you there we won't be able to transport you back," Craig replied.
"So how do we get back?" Tom asked.
"When you have the power, you'll be able to download the power source to Voyager via commbadge," Q said.
Ok since I'm only quoting and have nothing to say, either the episode is flatlining in stupidness and it's killed my brain, or I'm ok with anything after the previous Pokémon battles and probe malarkey.
"But if you can do that, why can't you give us power?" James asked.
"Well blondey, it's hard to explain but since that other Q is on your holodeck, my powers are limited. I can't explain it myself," Q replied.
Oh we have a reason now?
It's stupid.
You're stupid.
"We may not have any power but we're still the Power Rangers," Tom said.
"What?" B'Elanna asked.
Gotta make sure everyone's on the same "this is a Power Rangers movie" page.
"Damn, I hate parody episodes, this always happens!" Marill exclaimed.
Could've fooled me(myself).
Wait, you're calling this a parody? It's not taking the piss out of the movie. It's ripping it off. It's as much of a parody as part 2 of Year of Hell was, or the first half of Timeless, and even The Fight.
"Well it was your idea," Raichu said.
Of course it was. Most of FV is my idea. That's why I hate myself.
"We need a different line," Marill said.
"Well if it's new line you want then what about this one. The storyline maybe interesting at first glance but when these two write it, it turns crap," Tom sniggered.
OH SNAP
HIGH FIVE
"I can see why Firera hates him so much," Raichu said angrily. Marill wrote some extra lines. The console that Tom's hand was resting on caught fire.
Firera hates the truth? She can't handle it.
Neither can Marill, no matter what year it is.
"OW!" he yelled. His hand jumped off the console. Marill and Raichu laughed and they disappeared. The Doctor walked over.
Haha his hand is burnt to a crisp. So funneh.
"If I was the writer, I would of killed him for that remark," James said.
Annnnd James bounces once more to another personality and no one really notices or comments.
Look 2001 Marill, I get what you're doing here. I do, for once. You were experimenting, trying desperately to fix a character that had gotten stale. You wanted him to serve a purpose later, maybe you were growing tired of him only being Jessie's sidekick. I dunno for sure here. But you gotta stick with it. You can't have him whimpering about going on a mission, then voicing homicidal thoughts outloud in the same scene.
Also, you're deluded if you think Tom's comment was offensive or even a big whopping lie. He's right. Even if he wasn't, killing him is an overreaction FYI.
ALSO 2: you already set him on fire. That's bad enough. K?
"Don't worry, he'll probably get it in the second part," Jessie said. They both laughed evilly.
"What was that?" Harry asked. The pair smiled innocently.
It's not foreshadowing if you blatantly say it.
Wait, does he? Was that a reboot only joke? NM.
"Are you okay?" the Doctor asked.
"Yeah, it's just a burn, but it bloody hurt!" Tom moaned.
I'm okay. My leg only fell off. I know it's annoying to do so, but can I have this one whine about it? Ouch. Okay I'm done, I'm ready for this mission. No Doc, I don't need your help. It's cool.
"Remember we don't have much time," Seven said. She pressed a couple of controls and the 6 beamed away.
Yes, remember.
Cos I sure as hell didn't. I think. Maybe.
GAH end of part 1 and start of break 2.
Ooops, forgot something.
Will the away team find the power and save Voyager from destruction? Will Togepi really be on the main cast list? Will nasty Q2 get his butt kicked? And will Tom ever get what he deserves? Find out next time on Fifth Voyager!!
No, the awayteam will get distracted by the writers constantly appearing and doing mottos, then eventually get Cherry Coke mugged from them. Voyager gives up and dies from the embarrassment and stupidity.
Yes, Togepi herself will be on the main cast. I'm surprised Marill and company aren't.
Don't tell anyone but Q2 becomes the series antagonist all the way up till the last episode, and then he is murdered by the true behind it all villain; MARILL. SPOILERS OMG.
Yes, Tom will turn on half of the awayteam after Jessie beats him for calling her vain. He joins Q2 in a shocking plot twist moment. James later makes good on his word about killing him, and tries to drown him in pop with one hand and bobble flicking him with the other. The episode ends before we find out if it took.