Marill Re-Reads Hunters
Here's the stats so far.
Exclaimed Count: 36
Muttered Count: 31
Motto Count: 4
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 1
It's the moment no one's been waiting for, especially me. It's the day I re-read Hunters, in full and not badly skimmed through for the reboot. Will it be as bad as Aggressions Part 2 and Year of Hell, re-earning its place as the worst episode ever? Or is its title merely an exaggeration brought on because I've developed James and Jessie into workable and decent characters since, making their premiere episode more embarrassing than your parents sharing your naked baby photos on Facebook and tagging you in it for all your friends to see. I mean, it can't be as bad as the word for word Pokémon/Year of Hell crossover and the chewing gum on your shoes that is Aggressions Part 2. Can it? Those episodes have opened my eyes.
I know Hunters is bad from the skim through, but is it THAT BAD? That's the question. Now I have the previous three episodes and the beginning of Test of Time to compare it to. Let's find out shall we if Hunters truly deserves to be the crappiest of them all... at least so far. We've still got Muse and World Domination to go through.
I'm gonna need coffee for this. Lucky for me it's bang on dinner time at work. BRB.
Firera & Raichu
Ah the good old days, when I had friends to point accusing fingers at. Shameless.
Ok that's a bit exaggerated, I still have friends, but that's probably cause when I did this to them they weren't for things like Hunters.
30th November 2003
Now this won't be a full review since this edit removed the original ending for this episode. I've mentioned it in the trivia, somewhere, what happened in the full ending but I can't remember what still remains of it. Today we'll find out. The reason for it being cut is terrifying; it made the episode worse. Imagine that.
Now I'll stop stalling, let's get on with it *takes a long sip*
Tom and Harry walked into the room. They reluctantly took a plate from Neelix. All of the tables were full, except for one, Craig's table. They walked over to his table and they sat down.
So far so, okay. This paragraph's already better than Aggressions Part 2. No, I'm gonna nip comments like this in the bud. FOR NOW.
"Hi, Craig," Tom said. Craig was resting his head on his crossed arms that lay on the table.
"Hey, Craig, what's wrong?" Harry asked.
"It's my step sister's birthday," Craig muttered.
"And?" Tom asked.
Buckle up kids, it's forced character backstory exposition time.
Oh and Tom. That's ice cold, shame on you.
Muttered Count: 1
"I promised to meet up with her in her home country, I'm not going to get to do it," Craig muttered.
"Where is her home country?" Harry asked.
"Japan," Craig said.
Oh my bad, it's forced upcoming character backstory exposition time.
But shhh, spoilers.
Muttered Count: 2
Before I go on, Craig's family history is worth an episode alone and he never got it. If Test of Time was any good, he probably would've gotten his own version. A few characters would've. His backstory was developed around Hunters time, and IMO explains his eagerness to fit in with the main cast and his insecurities. To be fair it isn't Hunters' fault that it doesn't go that deeply into it, it's probably the few things it does as planned. Actually, it's the only thing that I remember it did to plan.
Let's allow Craig try to set his backstory up himself, shall we.
"If you must know, Triah's Japanese mother died when she was nine and her British father married my mother, I was born not long after that," Craig muttered.
"So, you're not even half Japanese?" Tom asked.
"No, just pure British," Craig said.
Muttered Count: 3
You got that Triah is Japanese, right? Please tell me you did. There aren't any episode banners to properly show this yet. IT'S IMPORTANT AND NOT RACIST AT ALL.
Funny fact though, the voice actress/singer I picked for Triah plays Jessie or rather Musashi in Pokémon. I picked her from that as I pictured Triah as the pretty gentle looking girl with a hidden devilish streak. The Japanese Jessie sounded so different to her singing voice, she seemed perfect for the job. Though the voice makes little difference for a fanfiction site, but hey, at least it wasn't as lazy as James and Jessie's original actors choice lol. We'll get there, we'll get there.
Now I get what I was doing here, besides "foreshadowing" in a juvenile way Triah's addition to the main cast at the time. Craig was the only true newbie to the cast at that moment. I'd expect anybody reading FV to know Voyager so they'd know the cast already. Craig would be the only stranger. Kiara is still a baby, so not much to know. Craig obviously existed before Aggressions and will have new stories to tell. Mental Illness should've given him an episode to star in, but Hunters seemed fitting with the letters story to give the readers a glimpse of his backstory.
Doesn't mean it's not bad. It is. I mean the only reason that Craig said they were supposed to meet in her home country was so we'd find out her heritage, which would cast doubts on Craig and Triah's biological relations and he'd explain the step sister part, which he already mentioned btw. He's got nothing to explain, they're step siblings. It's clunky, forced and pretty damn weird to read. It would've made the episode shorter, and it's debatable if that's a good thing or not.
Not to mention its uh, plot holey. Why is Craig worrying now about meeting his sister for her birthday? They've been gone for years. It's not like he promised to meet her for a milestone birthday like 30, he says she's 28. All I can think of, cos I doubt I intended to make Craig new to the ship or anything, is that it's something they do every year and he's sad at another lost year with his family.
No reader should have to figure these things out though. I shouldn't either for that matter. That's how badly it is written.
"What! So that means you're nineteen!" Tom exclaimed.
"Yeah, so?" Craig asked.
"So how old were you when you joined the Academy?" Harry asked.
Exclaimed Count: 1
Haha funny story I'll try to keep brief. Craig was added as a one-note character/comic relief, erm character, that was going to be a fair bit older than nineteen. I forgot though when I lowered his age so he could be friends with Morgan, and crush on her too of course, that I gave him a rank. I never changed it. Why bother when you can make jokes out of it.
Oh and I'm pretty sure he's only 18 here, but details!
"I didn't. I was one of the Marquis who didn't even set foot in the Academy," Craig said.
"Wait a minute, Chakotay let a fifteen year old into the Marquis, that's a bit stupid, isn't it," Tom said.
Yes Tom, it is. But shhhhhh!
"You don't understand. My mother was a Marquis and my father had moved away with my sister to Japan, so I had no choice but to go with her. She was shot two weeks after we joined, that was only two days before we got trapped in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay thought that it was too risky to take me back to Earth before hand," Craig said.
Yay more character exposition/backsto...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Okay no seriously. A few thoughts on this.
Firstly, I've always liked how Craig and Triah treat each other as biological siblings. They refer to each other a lot as big sis and little bro. He calls her dad, his dad. It's nice that these two families got along enough to be one family. I for one never met my (ex) step sisters. It's also nice that Craig's the only extra main character in the series that doesn't have family issues. James (let's not even go THERE, his family is all kinds of f$$$ed up), Jessie (ho boy), Morgan and Kiara (ahem), Damien had one tiny hint that his relationship with his mother wasn't good, blink and you miss it.
Secondly, despite what I said above, their parents are terrible. Mum joins the Marquis despite having a 15 year old kid around. Her choices are leave him behind with his stepdad (but it's okay, he sees him as plain old dad anyway) or take him with her on this REALLY SAFE rebellion against the Cardassians. Dad takes his adult daughter, but is cool with the 15 year old boy going.
I never planned it in but this sounds like a pending divorce to me.
Jeez, I get the feeling I've wrote more on this review than I wrote in Hunters. You guys didn't visit for this. My insane shouting at myself must be more entertaining. It'll come.
"I don't! How come he's a Lieutenant and I'm an Ensign?" Harry asked.
"Face it Harry, you're destined to be an Ensign for the rest of your life. That Kiara will be a Lieutenant before you are," Tom joked.
It would be funnier if I kept Harry as Ensign, considering what happens in Season Three.
Muttered Count: 4
Ooop exposition over, strap in folks. Things are about to get baaaad.
"Seven's managed to download some more letters. Here's one for Ensign Thingymajig, Crewman Rex, Ensign Taylor, Ensign Threepwood, Lieutenant Anderson and Crewman Foster." Jessie, James and Thingymajig walked over to Neelix and they took their letters and they sat back down at their tables.
Aggressions minor guest stars stunk so badly. I know, Hunters is already introducing Triah so why not try again? Let's see *gets out a piece of paper*:
Thingymajig didn't die in Year Of Hell, thanks reset button, he/she was hilarious.
HAHA Guybrush Threepwood from Monkey Island, I can make point and click jokes. I'm a genius.
I know, creepy paranoid dude named after one of my many school bullies.
Hey, there's not enough Pokémon here. Let's put in Team Rocket too!
Oh and yeah, Hunters is already about 1/3 through. Both the original and this, lol. This is the first mention of the letters from home. No explanation as to how they're getting these letters, not even an explanation as to what these letters are. For all we know Ensign Thingymajig has gotten a letter from his/her Voyager Life Insurance telling him/her that reset button deaths don't count.
Just jumping straight into the letters as if you know what happened before. Fun!
Also, I get Thingymajig - god that's hard to type - being named as they get up to retrieve their letters. James and Jessie though are called out by their surnames and their first names are used when they walk over. We don't know them yet. A new reader starting with the originals (WHY!?!) wouldn't have the foggiest who Jessie and James are. They could be Threepwood or Foster. They could be each other ffs. Don't label them doing things with names not used yet. Sheesh.
A mouse cursor appeared out of nowhere clicked on Neelix and a coin shaped thing popped up. The mouse clicked the pick up button. Guybrush walked over to Neelix and he took his letter away.
Sarcasm? Yep, but at least he's already 10x better than Simon and co.
Raichu and Firera chime in about the joke, the former complaining about the joke being too fourth wally. So, let me get this straight. I blamed these two for writing this crap before I knew it was crap enough to do so? If I had such foresight, why couldn't I stop it! Paradox!!!
The paranoid Foster walked over to Neelix and he snatched the padd off Neelix. "You better not of read it, it contains top secret information," he said.
"Whatever, Crewman," Neelix said. Craig walked up to Neelix.
It's a little funny that a Foster did end up working as a regular guest character, but it wasn't this Foster, it was his twin brother.
I don't think he appears until Season Two though.
Also with hindsight, the paranoid Foster should've stayed a one episode joke. He ruined Disconnected, not on his own to be fair, and I've already complained at length at the EDGY The Deception trilogy of Season Three. Moving on.
"Neelix, who's this from?" Craig asked.
"Some girl called Triah, I didn't read anymore," Neelix said. Craig took the padd of him.
"Who's it off Craig?" Tom asked.
"My sister," Craig replied.
What a coincidence!
Yes I know she'd obviously message him, but I'm more complaining of the fact that the letters arrive on her birthday so Craig could mope and exposition her.
"What did she say?" Tom asked.
"I think, I'll read this in private," Craig said and he walked out of the room.
"She wrote that!" Tom exclaimed.
*forced studio audience laughter*
Exclaimed Count: 2
"No, Tom," Harry said. Jessie Rex and James Taylor got up and walked out of the room too. "Looks like they heard you were here," Harry said.
"What does that mean exactly?" Tom asked.
Don't be silly Harry, the prequels don't exist yet. Stop trying to pretend these characters existed before today. Sheesh. Continuity's for chumps anyway.
Though in all fairness, it's nice that I tried to make it seem like they had a history with the main characters in some form with a simple joke like this.
Probably the last compliment this episode will ever get.
Seriously, what is up with their names? Neelix calls them out by surname. Before we've been introduced to them they are described walking over with their first. Now to make sure we know, their "full" names are used in their next action. Lol at Jessie's missing Annet part of her name. I wonder if I decided that then. I know Stuart wasn't.
Before I continue. The letters. This was the obvious and really bad way of introducing the new guest stars. Though to be fair in the hands of a good writer, it could've been perfect. But anyway! Jessie and James' backstories didn't exist as of yet. It wasn't until after Hunters it was worked on, since they'd be main characters. That'll be why Jessie's surname isn't complete. The thing is, without backstories they received letters with no thought gone into who they were from.
Jessie shouldn't have gotten one. There's a reason why the reboot turns it into a clothes shop joke. The official backstory at the time was her real mother wouldn't have been contacted to send letters, since she had given up her rights to her. Her sister wouldn't have an interest in doing so. Foster mum merely didn't due to their history, and since Jessie obviously ran away (Test of Time can say what it likes, this is what happens even in that) it's likely she was taken off contact lists, and that'd include her foster sisters. So yeah, too much thought went into it afterwards and I did worry. Though you could argue one of them if you wanted, it doesn't matter now with Hunters Again replacing it ;)
James really only had one choice. His step dad. Kinda. I am 99% certain his was to inform him that his stepdad had been assumed dead (but was really missing in action in Manchester). I can't remember which episode said it. I just wish I could back myself up. Paranoia's a bitch. If I'm right he takes it very well. Or maybe I decided that so it was an excuse for his OTT behaviour, haha.
Speaking of OTT behaviour; I told you to buckle up, I won't warn you again. WE'RE ABOUT TO HIT SOME TURBULENCE! AND IT'S BAD, SO SO BAD.
"Wait!" a woman's voice yelled. Craig looked behind him and he saw James and Jessie rushing up to him. He put his foot in the door to stop it. The door opened. The pair walked in.
DIDN'T THEY LEAVE ALMOST AT THE EXACT SAME TIME AS CRAIG? HOW DID THEY FALL SO BEHIND HIM? I BET THEY WERE PLANNING HOW TO ACT UP AND FREAK CRAIG OUT ALL ALONG. "HAHA, IF WE THROW BOBBLES AND STILL MAKE IT INTO THE MAIN CAST, I OWE YOU 20". I'M ONTO YOU
Dunno why I'm shouting, it's not that stupid yet.
"Hey thanks. Deck Eight," James said.
"I've seen you before, are you Sonia's son?" Jessie asked.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH *RETCON ALERT* ALL HANDS TO FIX IT STATIONS. I REPEAT *RETCON ALERT* ALL HANDS TO FIX IT STATIONS.
Craig's mother is supposed to be called Lena or Lene. It's a detail I probably picked much later, and OF COURSE I'D FORGET ABOUT HUNTERS ALREADY NAMING HER. I PURPOSEFULLY TRIED TO FORGET HUNTERS. THAT WAS A MISTAKE, CLEARLY.
Nope, not fixing it. I refuse to fix more Hunters.
"Well, I'm James and this is my friend Jessie," James said.
"I've heard of you, weren't you the ones who were caught meddling with the warp core on the Marquis ship?" Craig asked.
Nobody asked you James. We already know this, stop acting like we need to know which one of you is which, it's not important. It's not like you're going to be a major main character for technically eight seasons or anything. Big headed fool.
And warp core meddling, tsk tsk.
"I wish, I'm afraid that was just a rumour," James replied.
"Yeah we hated that stuffy old ship but we'd never blow it up, I mean it would take us with it, not worth it," Jessie said.
Well that was... pointless? And wtf James. You wish? Already showing the dark side, huh?
Why did I even bring this up as topic of conversation...
"I think it was Seska who started that rumor," James muttered.
Wait? There was a thing between Seska and these two from the start, when they were only minor guests stars that hadn't passed the more than one episode test?
Nah. I don't believe it.
Muttered Count: 5. Congratulations James on your first muttered. Plenty more to go yet.
"What was your name again?" Jessie asked.
"Craig," Craig replied.
"Craig, why don't you come to our quarters tonight, we're playing a few games like cards and stuff, not to mention there's gallons of pop," James said.
Hey kid we just met, come to our quarters and join in on our stuff. I mean cards. There's gallons of pop which I know you kids today just love. This is not creepy at all. This invite is totally legit and not weird, I promise.
Gallons of pop. How do you fit in your quarters then James? Huh? This is a troll thing, I'm sure of it. I'm STILL onto you. You don't fool me.
"Yeah sure, I'll find my way," Craig said.
CALL SECURITY CRAIG. I'M SURE JAMES ISN'T IN IT YET. THIS IS SOME CREEPY PREDATOR S$$$ I SWEAR. THEY WAITED AROUND THE CORNER FOR YOU AND POUNCED WITH THEIR TASTY POP PROMISES.
Craig'll be missing a kidney by the end of the day.
"Great, it's usually just the two of us. See ya there," Jessie said. The turbolift stopped and the doors opened. The pair walked out arm in arm.
SO SO SO BAD
You know what would've made this scene complete? Changing walked to skipped. Thank me later for that image, 'cos that's the one I've had everytime I think of this line.
Anyway Janeway hears the panic alarm button being pressed and responds too late to help poor Craig. Then this happens.
"Please come to my Ready Room, I have to issues to talk over with you."
Spot the mistake. It won't take long.
"Okay, firstly. You wouldn't mind if you babysit Kiara again?" Kathryn asked.
"No problem, I'm going over to a kind of night in with two crewmembers, she can come along, she'll have fun," Craig said.
Good thing James has gallons of "pop". Two victims in one night, score!
I'll stop when James and Jessie stop acting like suspicious weirdos, thank you. Seriously though, why is he doing this? If the Captain asks you to do something like this, you cancel the plans with these new friends of yours because...
1) They invited you to their quarters. Bringing along another guest is rude, bringing a baby along is IMO even ruder.
2) You don't know these people. From what little you've learned one of them might be a little bad (saying "I wish" to a comment about messing with a warp core). No, no.
3) They might not like kids.
4) You've just met them. I don't think they'll be that bothered if you cancel on them.
5) Janeway trusts you to look after her kid. How do you know that she'll trust these two to? You don't.
Oh and "going over to a kind of night in is" is a very painful sentence.
"What kind of night in?" Kathryn asked.
"Don't worry Captain, it's just harmless games and pop, as they say it,"Craig said.
See, she's not keen on the idea.
HARMLESS GAMES. HARMLESS
I KNEW THE POP WAS SUSPECT. WHAT'S IN IT JAMES? SOMEBODY GET THE TRICORDER. IF IT WERE CHERRY COKE WE'D KNOW THIS BY NOW. WHY THE SECRECY? TELL ME!!!!111
"I don't mean to be nosey but who are these people?" Kathryn asked.
NOSEY? Janeway you have a right to know who's going to be looking after your kid. For all you know they could be murderers or fashion drama queens. You don't want your daughter exposed to that.
"Jessie and James," Craig replied.
"All right then. Chakotay will drop her off at your quarters at, what time?" Kathryn asked.
Oh, ok then. Cool!
To be fair, yeah they're not new to the ship. They're supposed to have been aboard all this time so Janeway and Chakotay should know who they are. Still the response reads like "oh them, sure what time and tell them I said hey, love those two, have fun now!" I also like how he only refers to them by first name. I mean Jessie sure, but surely there could be more than one James on the ship. Oh what am I thinking, there's only one Jessie and those two are glued to the hip. Who else would he mean?
Craig's response to this so cool-ness its giving me goosebumps.
"0800 hours, maybe," Craig said.
"Okay, firstly. You wouldn't mind if you babysit Kiara again?" Kathryn asked.
"No problem, I'm going over to a kind of night in with two crewmembers, she can come along, she'll have fun," Craig said.
"Craig, why don't you come to our quarters tonight, we're..."
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Let's read it again.
"0800 hours, maybe," Craig said.
Craig, seriously. Military time is not hard!
And to think I blamed Janeway for this in the reboot.
"Fair enough. Secondly, I got a message from Starfleet Command. Supposedly a girl has been experimenting and somehow she's managed to transport herself through the network. I'm telling you this because all Starfleet knows is that she's a relative of yours. Have you got any letters off any relatives?" Kathryn asked.
WHAT IS THIS?? PLOT? GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. WE HAVE NO TIME FOR THAT NOW
"I got one from my step sister, but she's on Earth, I think," Craig said.
THINK REAL HARD CRAIG. THINK REALLLLLL HARD
I THINK THE BOY IS SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE CASE OF STUPID IN THIS EPISODE. DID HE HIT HIS HEAD?
"Have you read the letter?" Kathryn asked.
"I was just going to my quarters to read it before you contacted me," Craig said.
"Oh, sorry. Report to me if you find out anything about this experiment," Kathryn said
"Oh sorry sweetie pie, I didn't mean to interrupt. Run along now," Kathryn said with a fake smile.
Craig awoke in Sickbay two weeks later. The Doctor scolded him for his lack of tact. Craig was only bummed that he missed the bitching pop and cards party. The Doctor patted him on the head to send him on his way.
Sorry, this episode gives me odd images in my head. What else is new, you ask? Beats me.
0800 hours, Craig's quarters:
Craig was dressed up in jeans and a dark red jacket.
DAMN IT CRAIG, YOU'RE LATE. I TOLD YOU TO LEARN MILITARY TIME. MAYBE IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME CARING ABOUT WHAT YOU WORE, YOU'D HAVE MADE IT ON TIME.
Though to be fair, Chakotay was supposed to drop Kiara off. I hope the writers didn't get them.
Ohhh I figured out why Marill isn't credited as writer. I've noticed one writers cameo. One. I didn't know Hunters would suck in advance, I knew I wasn't going to put HILARIOUS writers scenes in and I didn't want to be credited with such a snoozefest. Duh!
The door chime sounded. He stood back up and he opened the door. Chakotay was outside with Kiara.
"Thanks, Lieutenant, I really appreciate this," Chakotay said.
"No problem, we'll have fun, won't we K?" Craig said.
Kiara ran into the quarters and Craig picked her up.
I didn't know babies could run.
How much time has passed since Year of Hell or Aggressions exactly?
January 2374 (mid season 4)
Here's something funny that should make you laugh a bit. Before I went back to the top of the page to look at the date, I selected some text in the current scene so I could find my way back. I ended up copying the date and putting it here. Scrolled down to find where I was up to, to find it looking like this:
0800 hours, Craig's quarThe door chime sounded. He stood back up and he opened the door. Chakotay was outside with Kiara.
I think it looks better, don't you?? Anyway!
"I hope I didn't spoil your night out, Craig," Chakotay said.
"No, I wasn't originally planning anything anyway. We're going over to James and Jessie's," Craig said.
YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY, IT'S MORNING. IT'S 8 IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU JUST ASSUMING CRAIG'S IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE BECAUSE HE'S BRITISH. DON'T ANSWER THAT.
It's ok, if it was meant to be 8pm then Kiara probably should be in bed, not going to totally awesome pop parties with strangers.
And that's a plan Craig. Keep up.
"Ok, keep those two out of trouble, bye Kiara," Chakotay said and he walked away. Kiara waved.
HAHA, I KNOW THESE GUYS ARE TROUBLE, BUT YEAH I'M FINE WITH THEM HANGING OUT WITH MY DAUGHTER. HARHAR.
I'm still left wondering if Craig ever called James or Jessie and asked them if it was ok to bring the 10 month old Janeway baby over.
WHO CARES COS IT'S TIME FOR MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE MOMENT IN HUNTERS AND THE WHOLE SERIES.
Jessie ran into the bathroom and closed the door just before a horde of bobbles were thrown at her.
"Hey Jess! You did ask for your bobbles!" James yelled. She opened the door and peeped out.
AAAAAAH! I FELT DIRTY FOR COPYING THAT. I HATE EVERYTHING
So we've gone from this ^^^^ to (warning spoilers for Season Five)
James lowered his rifle, opting instead for raising the sword to point it in his face. "I think I'll enjoy this more."
"Hmm, I doubt it. A fight with me rarely ends well," 'Frenit' taunted him.
"I don't, I imagine you only got his talking too much right," James said. 'Frenit' opened his mouth to reply, but James pushed the sword forward before he could.
My mistake. James has been a very violent prick from day one. Disgustingly brutal, just look at it! He doesn't think, does he? Just does. That s$$$ tickles and the hair gets everywhere. Inhumane.
SEASON ONE! RATED 18 FOR GRAPHIC VIOLENCE
Oh and question for anyone not English. Does bobbles mean the same thing as it does to us, or is it a non-word for you? If it's the latter, bobbles are those elastic things we use to put our hair into a ponytail. I hope it's the former as this scene's embarrassing enough without a silly word like that being literally tossed around.
"I didn't mean throw them at me," Jessie said. She picked them all up.
"How else was I suppose to give them to you?" James asked.
"Anyway I only wanted two," Jessie said as she flicked the rest at James. He ducked behind the couch. One bobble landed on his head. Jessie tied her black hair into a small pony tail with the two bobbles.
Oh god, it never ends.
I can't believe I'm gonna say something good about this. I'M ILL SO THAT'S PROBABLY WHY.
Yes it's silly and so so CHILDISH, no denying that, but James teasing her and her returning the favour is still very much in character today. If I had chosen something else instead of hair accessories, it wouldn't have been such a bad opening to the scene.
Especially with this:
"Is it safe to come out now?" James asked.
Present day James would ask this, as a joke, which is how I've judged the line anyway.
"Stop being a wimp. Where's your cards?" Jessie asked.
"In the Mess," James replied.
"Well you'd better rescue them before they're eaten by the mess monster. I'll program the music playlist for tonight. What songs do you want on the playlist?" Jessie said as James walked into his bedroom which was in a tip, speaking mildly.
Lol. The barebones is there. This isn't so bad after all.
"Get the songs from the Pokémon albums. It may of been a strangely animated show but it had some great songs," James replied.
No James, no! Hurry up and get to sword in face James, please.
*snigger* And while you're at it, don't pretend you don't like Pokémon "Its strangely animated but has banging tunes" is the biggest denial I've seen since I insisted Hunters was written by two school friends.
"Yeah good idea, we could play Double Trouble," Jessie said. "Too bad we don't have a talking cat."
This did not take long...........
Oh and 1 year too early for James' cat phobia. Arm the death glare for daring to even joke about it!
I know, this is Hunters and the pair were more Team Rocket Jessie and James, than Kidz Trek loosely inspired Tani and Stevé(lol) in it, that was the point, but way to beat people over the head with it.
"Come in!" Jessie called. Craig and Kiara came in.
"Sorry for an unexpected guest but I love babysitting her," Craig said.
Nope, he didn't ask their permission. Just shows up and says "sorry lol, here's a kid".
"Is she the closest thing to a girlfriend, huh Craig?" James said.
That's got to be the worst thing I've ever read that was written by me. WTF!
Why is it always old school James saying weird out of character things? I usually delete them when I catch them, but this one got passed me. I know why. I always skip Hunters.
Sorry folks, that's getting deleted right the hell now. Too bad Craig responds not in the manner I did and walk out, so his line needs changing too. Sigh.
To be honest, I saw this line before I got to the love babysitting one. I still could not contain the dirty feeling I got from reading it. Seems that quoting Craig and responding only saved up further disgust. Especially with Craig's actually kinda sweet line. But James' makes me think that it was only there because Kiara=Morgan. PLEASE GOD NO BRAIN, NOT LIKE THIS, DO NOT GO THERE!
TOO LATE *I NEED BRAIN BLEACH*
Hunters, you are dead to me. DEAD
Sigh. New version is this:
"Sorry for an unexpected guest but I love babysitting her," Craig said.
"It's okay. I don't mind having some girl company," Jessie muttered. Craig put Kiara down. "Computer load music playlist Jessie Four."
And Hunters gets even shorter. There's a good reason for that. This time at least you KNOW WHY!
The previous pedo version had Craig retort with "I bet I can say the same about Jessie", like James' close friendship and flirty teasing with grown woman Jessie is THE EXACT SAME THING AS CRAIG BABYSITTING A BABY. FU HUNTERS. FUUUU TO HELL!
The scary part is? I'm actually liking this more than Aggressions Part 2. Or I WAS!
Muttered Count: 6
Anyway Jessie originally told them to cut it out, which is a very mild mannered response considering that James went all pedobear on us and Craig accused her and James of being... er couply. So, both James and Jessie's characters aren't set in stone yet. Who'd have thought it? By next episode she'll be in full denial mode, kicking ass and taking names. And James will not say the grossest sentences ever uttered anymore. HURRAY!
New version cuts straight to Jessie saying "dude, bringing the kid is cool" as she's now sweetly unaware of the accusations and gross stuff since they've been deleted HARD.
"Working. Playlist loaded. Please designate starting point."
"Get Happy," Jessie said. A slow but nice song started playing. James finally found a little box with his cards in.
I... I don't know what this song is. It's slow, so it's not the Pop Idol cover. How strange, I usually remember.
It's nice though. Apparently.
It's probably a Pokémon soundtrack song.
"Okay, which game do you guys want to play?" James asked.
"I don't know. Why don't we just have something to drink first," Jessie said.
"Neelix told me about this drink he found in the 20th century database called Cherry Coke, I'll have that please," Craig said.
I TOLD YOU THIS GALLON OF POP WAS NOT CHERRY COKE. WE'LL NEVER KNOW NOW
"Kiara?" James asked.
DON'T TALK TO HER!
THAT'S YOUR NIECE FOR GOD'S SAKE. I'LL GET OVER THIS I SWEAR TO GOD. I WON'T LET THIS IMPOSTER PEDO JAMES RUIN THE REAL JAMES FOR ME.
Ahem. Seriously, she's a baby ffs. How dumb are you?? I'm seriously starting to think he's hallucinating and seeing a grown up in her place. A vision of the future perhaps?
"She can't talk yet," Craig said.
"Cherr' Coke," Kiara said quietly.
Aaaaw... NO, NOT AWW. What? She's only just heard these words. God look at me, look at my life. I'm trying to find logic in early FV episodes. Just move on Marill, move on.
"Huh, she hasn't spoke before, I thought she was too young to talk," Craig said. Jessie walked over to Kiara and she knelt down.
"What did you say sweetheart?" she asked.
"Cherr' Coke," Kiara said.
I'm sure Janeway is on the bridge right now with her ear twitching. She'll be mad she's not saying coffee. Which would make more sense since she's a Janeway kid, or she could say tea to horrify her mother. Either would actually be funny, but we can't have that, can we?
"I heard her, Jess, do you want Cherry Coke too?" James asked.
"Yeah whatever," Jessie replied.
AAAAAH, GET HER, A SOFTMICRON SPY!!!
JAMES IS PROBABLY ONE TOO. GET HIM TOO. TOOOOOOOOO!
"Yeah whatever," is just being coy right. Right???
"I'd better not tell the Captain, she won't be pleased that she's missed Kiara's first words," Craig said.
"She'll have to know Craig," Jessie said.
What's the worst thing that can happen? I really shouldn't say that until Hunters is over.
"All in good time, she probably has work to do and we have partying to do," James said as he gave Kiara and Craig their drinks. He walked back to the replicator and picked up the other two glasses and he gave one to Jessie.
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A PARTY?
GO HOME JAMES, YOU'RE DRUNK
I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE HOME. SHUT UP. YOU'RE NOT THE REAL JAMES, I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT TO YOU! GET BACK TO YOUR GALLONS OF POP AND STFU
"Yeah, so what game do we play first?" Craig asked.
"Captain, there's some sort of strange signal coming from the network," Tuvok said.
AAAAH PLOT, IT BURNS!
"Must be our visitor," Chakotay said.
"Something's emerging from sub space," Tuvok said.
A small shuttle craft suddenly appeared through a red portal. The portal disappeared just after the shuttle came out of it.
I actually wrote this? Here I thought Triah arrived in a poof of smoke, shouting "paaarttaaaay.... oh btw Craig, dad's dead. Sucks huh?" Then the rest of the episode got deleted.
"Hail them," Kathryn ordered. The viewscreen. A young Japanese girl appeared on the screen. She had short black hair that was loose.
JAPANESE? I wonder who this could be? I doubt it's Craig's sister, cos he was only just talking about her earlier. Oh and she's Japanese. Don't forget her hairstyle, that's important. Wait, has James had his described? HE CAN'T BE REAL UNTIL HE DOES.
"I'm Captain Janeway of the..." Kathryn said.
"Voyager, I know. I mean I should know, you were what I was looking for," she said.
"What's your name?" Kathryn asked.
"I'm Triah Anderson. Can I please come aboard, I came here to see my brother," Triah said.
Oh sure, that's not weird at all.
"You risked your life to come sixty thousand lightyears just to visit your brother?" Chakotay asked.
At last, someone with common sense.
"He's the only family I have left, you understand don't you?" Triah said.
That's what all the bad guys posing as family and friends say, right before they eat your brains.
Wrong show, sorry.
"Yes, I think I do," Kathryn replied.
"Thank you, Captain, I really appreciate this," Triah said.
"We'll tow your shuttle into our shuttle bay," Kathryn said. The viewscreen went off. "Tuvok, as soon as her shuttle has docked, escort her to Craig, he should be in Jessie and James' quarters," Kathryn said.
Oh yeah, escort this person who's appeared from the Alpha Quadrant via a red portal thingy who says she's Craig's sister, straight to the people babysitting your daughter, without verifying she is who she says she is via DNA scan or something. There's nothing wrong with this at all. Nope!
Yes I know that they got a warning from Starfleet about this, but sheesh. Anyone could've gotten that same message and decided to use it to gain access to Voyager. COME ON!
"Yes Captain," Tuvok said. He left the Bridge.
"Looks like Craig will have some more help babysitting," Chakotay said.
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, COS I'M NOT LAUGHING. AND I LAUGH AT EVERYTHING, EVEN JAMES' GIRLFRIEND LINE. IT WAS A LAUGH OF PAIN AND DISGUST, BUT STILL
The song Get Happy was playing in the background.
WHY DON'T I KNOW WHAT THIS SONG IS??????????
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT WE KNOW WHAT SONG IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND? OH I GET IT, CRAIG SHOULD GET HAPPY COS HIS SISTER IS HERE.
I CHECKED. IT IS A POKÉMON SOUNDTRACK SONG. I BET YOU WERE GLAD YOU BET £5 ON THAT ONE, YOU WIN £5.10. THE ODDS ON THIS WERE RIDICULOUS.
IT WASN'T SLOW EITHER. THERE ARE BRONTOSAURUS' IN IT. THE REAL LYRICS AREN'T AS FUNNY SO I WON'T EVEN HUMOUR THEM.
"Who is she then?"
"Your sister I believe," Kathryn said.
Seeeeeeeeeeee YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS. JUST SEND HER STRAIGHT TO WHERE YOUR DAUGHTER IS. YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER
Meanwhile on a Herogen Ship:
"Where did that other ship come from?" Alpha Herogen asked.
"It came from the same source as the signal from the other side of the galaxy," Beta Herogen said.
"Intercept," Alpha said.
Hahaha Hunters, what do you think you are. Hunters? Get out of here, you very little scamp.
Wait, Herogen? Clearly the hiro's we do not deserve.
"So Jess, looks like you're getting more female company than you thought," James said.
"Hey, great," Jessie said.
Translation: Hey great, you've really been creeping me out lately with your bobbles and pedo comments. Our breakup really f$$$$$ you up, seriously, get help!
The door chimed just as 'Don't say you love me' by M2M came on. "Come in!" James called. The door opened revealing Tuvok and Triah.
See, the music is setting the scene!
I knew it!
"Craig!" Triah yelled and she hugged Craig, Kiara tried to join in. "Oh, who's this?" Triah asked.
Ok fine, that was cute. I'll admit it.
"Kiara, I babysit her," Craig said. Tuvok gave Triah a Padd and he walked away.
"Oh, she's adorable!" Triah exclaimed.
Yeah Tuvok, get out, you're too sane to be here.
And Triah, well done, you'll fit in nicely.
Exclaimed Count: 3
"Hi!" Jessie said loudly as the chorus to the song came on.
HI. LOOK AT ME. I'M CUTE TOO. DON'T SAY YOU LOVE ME, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
I'm so sorry.
Also LOL to the exclamation mark going with "said loudly." Thank you past me for this gem.
"Hi, and who might you two be?" Triah asked.
"I'm Jessie and he's James," Jessie said.
Just how many times do we need to have these two introduced? I know they're imposters, but the readers shouldn't know that yet.
"I hear it's your birthday, lets party more than usual," James said.
"To see you of course, I started experimenting with the network thing when dad died," Triah said.
I'm so glad I found this screenshot. I foresee a lot of use for it.
"What! How did he die?" Craig said.
"He died in a shuttle crash," Triah said.
I'm sorry, didn't I mention that? Oopsie I'm sorry, my bad!
Suddenly the 'party' stopped.
Before I begin, let's once more remind ourselves that for over a decade and a half, Hunters has been the one I've constantly labelled as the worst thing I ever wrote... or rather the worst thing I ever wrote that I made public lol. It's my go to joke for badness. However I know there are other episodes that annoy me far more than Hunters, even before these reviews AND the reboot. So that must mean that Hunters can't be the worst episode ever, right? Why do I do keep doing it?
I suppose its the one that's remained consistently bad in my mind, even when it was new...ish.
With its reviews and the forum reader(s) that arrived shortly after FV's "premiere", I assumed Aggressions was fine. It's only in recent years that I've grown to despise it more than Hunters. Especially with it being the first episode, the one that should hook people in and not chase away, and its potential being smooshed by writers cameos.
World Domination I'm sure I was deluded into thinking it was better than the draft for a short while.
Dimension Jump, it's not really the episode itself that makes it a Worst Episode contender. It has its moments that keeps it out of the bottom 10 I think, but the intent behind it sours it for me personally.
The Atamit is so late in Season Two, it's not even worth complaining about. It has no pressure to do something good, people should be well into reading FV by then and this one won't put them off "now". It's the Threshold of FV, I guess.
Hunters, I think I knew it was bad the week I uploaded it. Unforgettable followed at least a week later and tried to fix its mess. It tried to give the two newbies a second chance, and gave them an actual good story for Season One to sink their teeth into. Hunters may have birthed James and Jessie, but Unforgettable is their true parent, their true origin story in my eyes. If it weren't for Unforgettable, they would never have made it I think.
So yeah, Hunters in my eyes for so long is the worst episode ever because its always been bad. The others just jumped on the bandwagon whilst I grew up a tad. Oh god I forgot about Muse, which explains why that wasn't considered for the worst examples above.
Now, let's er... return to 2016 and figure out once and for all if it truly deserves to keep the title. Right now Aggressions Part 2 has a clearly unbeatable 0/10 ranking. I went into my reasons plenty there. The story's intent was robbed, the writers stealing the limelight, a huge tonal shift from Part 1 to 2, Kes' disappearance, the motto's, South Park joke... you get the idea. However Part 1 rated a 7/10 since it did none of these things, it was a bit dull in places but stuck to its plot. Whatever I do to combine these scores, it beats Year of Hell. My issues with YOH are numerous sure, but I really believe Aggressions as a whole is worse than it.
In my opinion the sins of Part 2 erase what was good about Part 1. Yeah it kept to the plan, but Part 2 rarely bothered. This means if you look at the story as a whole (there's a reason I reviewed these parts separately, which I'll only do for season cliffhangers, not same season two-parters), it failed to stay on track. The dullness of 90% of Part 1 is easily wiped, forgotten about for the over the top silliness of 2. The only thing left is Tom's drunk scenes and Craig's barebones introduction that still fits with what Part 2 did.
I'd rate Aggressions overall as 1/10.
Now I haven't decided Hunters score. I wrote this part before I read it again. Fair's fair. I may like it more than YOH or Mental Illness, I dunno yet. So I haven't fiddled with Aggressions score to give Hunters a fighting chance, one way or the other. It's to rank the episodes so far. Right now the ranking from better to worse is: Mental Illness (4), Year of Hell (2), Aggressions (1). 1/10 seems fair since I didn't entirely hate it, a couple of scenes that weren't ruined later by plot crushing gave it a point in its favour.
Now that I've read it. What's my verdict? *drum roll*
Hunters Positives - something I never imagined typing
1) Barely any writers. Marill makes no appearance. Firera and Raichu's remarks are brief, and they leave well enough alone afterwards. Honestly after the previous episode, it's a HUGE relief. 2 points, 1 for no Marill (she's the worst, that cow!) and 1 for the blink and you miss it only scene.
2) Some of the stuff I remember cringing at were not as bad as I remembered. Still bad though. The bobble fight was so, so ridiculous but it wasn't as OTT and out of character, kinda, than I thought. Half a point for still being bad.
3) The Hirogen do actually make an appearance, brief but it's there. Half a point since it's a waste of time. They do sod all afterwards.
4) As planned, Craig is still the star of the episode. His backstory is badly told but it's told. 1 point.
5) There's a few funny bits in like Harry still being an ensign and Kiara being promoted over him, the Mess making its debut appearance, etc... I did say few. 1 point.
6) Basically it managed to hold my interest throughout, which is more than I can say for Year of Snooze. 2 points for each episode that ripped off.
= 7 points
1) The letters plot does disappear into the ether, or probably drowns in James' pop stash. Yes the episode was supposed to develop Craig and introduce Triah, it did that right, but doing so and introducing James and Jessie wasn't supposed to take the centre and only stage. - 1 point.
2) The girlfriend line made me feel sick. It's gone, but I will always remember it like James' ironic "disgust me" lines and his original version of "Damien and that guy deserved to die" in Games Resistance. Always. I honestly dunno why it's always him saying the awful stuff. Maybe he is just awful. Sigh. -1 point.
3) BOBBLE FIGHT! LOL PARTAY TIME! OH BTW CRAIG, DAD'S DEAD. OMG SHE SAID THAT! These should be separate points, but they're really the same thing. A symptom of a writer still not sure what she's doing with character personalities and story development. It's rushed and there's no delete key in sight so let's not edit anything and try again. NO TIME! -1
4) The way Craig and Triah's backstory was told. They actually have an interesting family, but you wouldn't know it with the boring and SHE'S JAPANESE way it's told. I honestly haven't a clue why it's told that way. Craig explains that Triah's his step sister immediately, then Tom is taken aback when he says she's (half) Japanese... DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT STEP SISTER MEANS TOM? They're not related, he never said they were. Maybe he was shocked that British Craig's mum married a fellow Brit previously married to a Japanese woman. It's not weird today (or in 2001) and it shouldn't be weird in the 24th century. Good god. I know Tom makes fun of the Brits a lot, but this is pure ignorance right here. -1
Marill's Rating: 3/10
Better than Aggressions and Year of Hell, but far more cringeworthy crap within than Mental Illness. Yep that's about right! Nope, I'm not collecting points for the others. Hunters had to defend its title after all and IT FAILED! HUNTERS CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!
So far ranking:
Mental Illness (4/10)
2nd: Hunters (3/10)
3rd: Year of Hell (2/10)
4th: Aggressions (1/10)
OR if you'd prefer
Aggressions Part 1 (7/10)
2nd: Mental Illness (4/10)
3rd: Hunters (3/10)
4th: Year of Hell (2/10)
5th: Aggressions Part 2 (0/10)
James and Jessie were clearly being tried out for main character roles not long after they skipped away with their arms linked. Couldn't resist, sorry, anyway! The way they were shoehorned into the story afterwards seems too obvious. They have more pagetime than supposed MC Triah. I honestly thought I didn't decide to MC them until after the episode was over.
I never said who I originally picked for their actors, did I? I remember quickly selecting two people once Hunters was up and deciding to MC them. They were Team Rocket so who better than their English VA's. I can't remember how long they were. A deciding factor in changing them was the lack of images of these two, and I had site graphics to think of (and later episode banners). Also James' actor looked far too old and didn't fit his character at the time. And he doesn't fit him now either if you're wondering. The actor who I did pick for him suited crazy PARTAY POP TIME BOBBLE THROWER EXPERT James to a tee, and only suits present day James when he poses moodily or smirks, or does athletic reality show stuff haha.
Anyway I think I've covered everything that's longer than Hunters itself. Stats time.
Exclaimed Count: 3 (39 Overall)
Muttered Count: 6 (37 Overall)
Motto Count: 0 (4 Overall)
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 0 (1 Overall)
For a so called worst episode ever, it was pretty tame. Not bad. The sexist stuff probably won't be a factor until Jessie really gets going and Morgan faces off with Seven, lol.