Marill Re-Reads Mirror Universes
Here's the stats so far.
Exclaimed Count: 83
Muttered Count: 135
Motto Count: 7
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 2
FANFIC DIMENSIONS!
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The USS Voyager flew past the camera.. er I mean through a system. But something was different about it.
I'd complain but I was stupid enough to repeat this bad joke and copy it almost exactly into the reboot, so it must have been a small enough crime in comparison to the rest of the episode.
"We're nearing the Rederya System, Captain," Tom said in a sarcastic voice. His hair was scruffier than usual.
I don't see any difference.
"They probably smelt your feet so they ran away in fear," Chakotay said. For some reason Chakotay's tattoo was spread over one side of his face.
oh snap
FOR SOME REASON. Don't tempt me to keep track of these.
This "for some reason" aka "something happens cos I want it to" doesn't make sense. There is a reason for it. It's not necessary. It's a tribute to the evil Voyager crew in the episode I can't remember the name of in season four. He's evil. Get it?
"Shut up you!" the woman yelled.
Oh yeah, this episode introduces Phoebe Janeway, the future MC scheduled to join the cast in Season Three (or Season Four back when FV had eight planned seasons, and at one point considered up to 12. Frightening). Why is she not an actual main character yet? Duh she's evil and only in like three episodes of Season One. OMG SPOILERS.
James and Jessie entered the Bridge. Jessie's hair was longer and it was a brighter tone of red. James' hair was also longer; it was a navy shade of blue.
GET IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE TEAM ROCKET. I BET JESSIE'S IS STYLED INTO A BIZARRE CURL AND JAMES' IS A JANEWAY LIKE BOB WITH A STRAND IN HIS FACE.
"The Boss is hailing us," Harry said. His hair was spiky.
I'm sensing a pattern here.
Bad haircuts and bigger tats=EVIL
"Well put him on the viewscreen then, you dope!" the woman yelled. Harry rolled his eyes and he pressed a couple of controls.
I know they were never meant to be actually evil, only think they are, but "YOU DOPE" omg so dark and edgy. The so called good versions of them have better comebacks.
oh snap indeed.
Jessie and James went to their engineering console, passing Tuvok who had much longer ears than usual.
BUT WHAT DOES HIS HAIR LOOK LIKE? I'M SO LOST NOW
Um, why is Tuvok's ears longer? Do Vulcans do that? Grow larger ears when they're naughty? Did he get them enhanced to make him look bad(ass)?
The viewscreen activated and a dark figure appeared stroking something on his lap.
"What is taking so long?" a deep computerized voice said.
And here's the Boss. Since it's been what 7 episodes (or when they were new; 3) since his last appearance, he can't be "named" or readers will be like WHO!? It's not like the present day where episodes appeared roughly once a month, and that was after Season Five got out of the way, these were released weekly sometimes in pairs (or in Timeless' case, FOUR EPISODES IN ONE WEEKEND).
I checked, a month and a half since his last appearance. Fabulous.
"These dimwits haven't found the other Voyager yet," the woman said.
"She was to busy looking in a mirror than looking for Voyager," Chakotay muttered.
"Quiet you!" the woman yelled.
It can't be that hard to find an identical ship.
It's not Phoebe's job to hunt for it, she's the Captain. oh snap.
Phoebe's only had a few lines so far and most of them are unoriginal. Not that I can remember where they're stolen from.
"Don't count on it Sir, her middle name IS failure," Chakotay said. The woman lost her temper and she threw a tricorder at him. It hit him right in the face.
Phoebe Failure Janeway doesn't have any kind of ring to it, it's more like a square.
THE TRICORDER AGAIN, YEY. AND YOU THOUGHT "TOO FAR GONE" MADE THAT UP ON THE SPOT. HA!
Anyways the Boss repeats that they need to get the job done. Phoebe forgets that she needs to find Voyager first and asks Team Rocket how their plan is going. Since it's Team Rocket for sure, I mean look at their hair, I don't have high hopes for these Voyager copies.
Who by the way, we don't know anything about other than they have stupid hair and use lame insults. I know that Voyager episode started like this with no context, but that was awesome and this is weird.
NOT THAT I CHANGED THE REBOOT OF IT MUCH. I don't much care for the Seventh Voyager "story" and its influence in two episodes I hate. We'll get there. Unfortunately.
"Where have I heard that before?" Tom muttered.
"Shut up or I'll bop your nose again!" Jessie yelled.
I'm beginning to suspect that words like dimwit, dope, bop and a smelly feet joke, are what I considered really really bad and should only be reserved for the evil Voyagers. So sheltered.
"Hey Harry, it's Jessie James," Tom sniggered.
"Captain, permission to torture Tom," Jessie said.
PERMISSION GRANTED
"As long as you do it here," the woman said as she brought out some Popcorn. Jessie marched over to Tom who was laughing his head off. She hit him hard in the face.
James also walked over and he and Jessie beat Tom up. Ten minutes later, Jessie and James dragged Tom out of the Bridge, he was never seen again.
Well, at least Team Rocket get s$$$ done in the Fifth Voyager universe. Gotta give them credit for that.
Evil James actually helps out too, "Good" James only cheerleads and hands over weapons. Much better. Evil James is more James than Good James. Make of that what you will.
Voyager...(yes Voyager, our Voyager):
I'M CONFUSED, WHICH VOYAGER?
"Tom, I can't believe that you did that," Harry said as he stared at the crowded Mess Hall. Everyone was clapping at him. He looked proudly at his extra pip; he was now Lieutenant, at last.
Did what?
I dunno, I'm not convinced this is OUR VOYAGER. Harry's a Lieutenant, that doesn't seem right. Maybe this was the evil Voyager all along. That would explain the lame insults, that was actually Lame Voyager. I'm gonna call it Eighth Voyager. No Seventh of Ninth Voyager. HAHA I'M A COMEDIC GENIUS
"Hey, I'm known to be deceitful," Tom muttered.
WHAT DID HE DO?????????????????
Damn it Tom, Harry was promoted years ago and you hid the pip, didn't you? I'M ONTO YOU
Everyone stopped clapping. A few crewmembers started drinking alcohol.
FIFTH VOYAGER PARTAY! DRUNK SCENES. WOOHOO
"Hey, this wouldn't be a party without music. Computer load playlist Paris 4," Tom said.
Five seconds later the song 'In Youpendi' by Wes & Ladysmith Black Mambazo came on.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(at least it isn't a Pokémon song)
As usual Craig had gotten drunk quick, not as quick as Seven had though. She was dancing to the music near the Doctor, who was having a hell of a time trying to drag her to Sickbay.
Remember Timeless?
No. I don't either. Moving on.
Craig was asking every girl he saw out on a date. Of course their reactions was the same, rejection and sometimes a slap in the face.
Considering his behaviour in Test of Time and another I can't remember right now, I'm surprised he only gets slaps.
However this does bring up a little complaint others might have with Fifth Voyager, and I wouldn't disagree with them nowadays. This series can be very anti-men sometimes, or more accurately anti-flirting. The most recent example is in early Season Five, pre-writers block hiatus; a woman knees a guy in the balls for innocently flirting. I mean he doesn't say "hey baby, your clothes would look better on my floor, you slut" or anything close. It was more like "hey you're cute, when are you free?" You could argue she's a little on edge (trying to avoid spoilers here) but still. I thought about toning it down.
I dunno for certain why I did it. I think it could've been the way I was bullied in school. It's the first explanation to come to mind. Power fantasies you know. Most of my bullies were boys and all but one of the boys favourite tactic was sexual harassment (god that took some doing to write... I hate calling it that because of my low self esteem). I was shy, very light/skinny and my only fight involved an older girl tripping me up constantly, so I couldn't do much about these boys if I wanted to. So I guess it makes sense I'd imagine strong female characters like Morgan and Jessie, acting out (probably) my fantasies a little too much.
Stupid place to dump this, since again Craig probably did deserve a few of his slaps with the way he talks in Season One. Light ones, of course.
Case in point:
"Hi, Jessie, do you wanna go out with me?" Craig said in a slurry voice. Jessie pretended to think about it.
"Hmmm, no!" Jessie replied. Craig faced Triah.
"No, Craig, I'm your sister remember," Triah said.
"Oh yeah," Craig said and he collapsed.
She's his step sister. Still gross though.
I like how Jessie doesn't react like I described above. Maybe the soft spot for him, aka sympathy, started early.
The Doctor ran up to him and he tried to drag him out of the room. Seven jumped up on a table and she started to sing to the song.
"In Youpendi! Something, something, something! So divine, you'll lose your mind, as it sweeps you off your feet. In Youpendi!" Seven sang.
Everyone just watched as the Doctor tried to persuade Seven to come to Sickbay. Craig was still unconscious on the floor. Tom walked over to the Doctor.
Seven's a fun drunk. And of course Craig's still unconscious, he's only just collapsed.
GOTTA LOVE THE DRUNK SCENES
"Hey Doc, why don't you just transport them," Tom suggested.
"I will in the minute if I can't do it in the usual means," the Doctor replied. Tom tutted and he tapped his commbadge.
I... wonder what the usual means is.
The room shook and the lights dimmed meaning two things: Red Alert and a something bad was happening.
THANKS STATE THE OBVIOUS NARRATOR
I THOUGHT THE DISCO WAS STARTING
What is actually starting is Original Versus Reboot #Round 1. Yes I'm bored.
Exhibit 1:
The Bridge staff: Kathryn, Chakotay, Tuvok, Tom, Harry, James and Jessie (not forgetting Kiara) walked out of the turbolift. The Bridge was also shaking.
Exhibit 2:
Every member of the bridge staff, even some of the nameless ones, arrived on the Bridge, well sort of.
"For god's sake, I'm the Captain!" Kathryn complained as she tried to squeeze between Tuvok and Tom. It didn't help as both of them were trying to get through the door as well.
"We obviously need the Tactical officer," Tuvok said.
Tom felt an elbow connect with his ribs. "Hey, that's cheating!" he squealed.
"Sorry, I was aiming for Harry," B'Elanna said.
As he was stuck in the middle, all Harry could do was whimper while the people behind him tried to shove him forward.
Exhibit 2 goes on a tad longer but hopefully you get the idea.
Earlier in the reboot my way to take the piss out of the Youpendi song choice was to keep it, remark about my 2001 music taste and change the song.
Now this is how you do a joke at an original's expense without making readers need to read the original to get it.
And yeah, "not forgetting Kiara". OHNO CAN'T FORGET THE 1 YEAR OLD, THE BRIDGE WOULD NOT FUNCTION WITHOUT HER. Everyone else are bridge officers, no one else comes. It specifically says "bridge staff" but chucks in Kiara for... no reason. I dunno if she does anything in the following scene.
"We're caught in a dimensional distortion," Lieutenant Threepwood replied. Tuvok took his place at Tactical.
OMG HE SURVIVED HUNTERS
I CAN JUST SEE GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD MANNING TACTICAL. HAHA
Oh yeah and DIMENSIONAL DISTORTION. WARNING: STUPID WILL HIT THE FAN
"What's that?" James asked.
"Probably something the writers made up but it sounds too clever for them," Jessie muttered.
"Who wrote that?" Marill's voice asked.
It is too clever for them. Doesn't mean it isn't stupid though.
And p$$$ off Marill.
"It seems to be a tear between our dimension and the Seventh Dimension," Harry said.
Sigh
"Seventh? I thought there was only four dimensions," Tom said.
"Five, we're in the Fifth Dimension, Tom," Kathryn said.
I SAID SIGH
"That's it, who's writing bad stuff about us?" Raichu's voice asked.
"Wasn't me," Marill's voice replied. Damien's evil laugh was heard.
"Intruder, press the button," Raichu's voice said.
"No, not the button!" Damien's voice yelled.
BOOM!
I'd actually laugh at this scene if NO NOT THE BUTTON wasn't probably stolen from something. If it's original, bravo old/young me, a slightly funny writers scene.
Also the comma between intruder and press makes it seem like Raichu's telling Damien to press the button. Minor gripe, there's millions of bad grammar and spelling errors in Season One alone. I'll pick on the funnier ones to me. Can't point them all out, these reviews take long enough.
"Ok, enough 'drama', lets get on with the episode," Marill's voice said.
Drama.
At least I had some self awareness with the quotation marks. Ha!
"Lets hope it isn't another Energiza Bunny," Tom muttered. Everyone shuddered at the word bunny.
Every reader's response: WHAT?
Present Day Marill's response: Jesus Christ, why can I still remember what I was referring to? I have trouble remembering what bin to put out every Friday.
Okay, this is a reference to another fanfiction. A one that was actually funny. I think it was the one called "A Typical Day on Voyager". Why it's referenced in FV, that I have no clue.
Maybe I planned to rip it off word for word in the unreleased saga (Once, Timeless and Fight) and later forgot? I know Spirits does a "good" fanfic rip off job.
On the viewscreen another Voyager was facing them, it was slightly more damaged than our Voyager was and it had Borg technology all over it.
"What, how on Earth is this possible?" Harry asked. He went into a trans when he said Earth.
Trans what? I'm waiting.
Trance Marill. Trance. This is almost as funny as my spelling for gory. GORRY BODIES
You know I wouldn't be surprised that even a saying like "how on Earth" would set Harry off. The boy has little else going on besides I WANNA GO HOME and disastrous crushes.
The other Voyager's Borg technology. What's that about? I'll tell you. Borg are bad, evil Voyager are bad, so technology over the hull will make them look badder. Also gotta pretend this is an actual TV show, we need to see the differences between the ships. OH and when Voyager looked like that in Gift it was awesome.
Of course this is the explanation for the original. The reboot retconned a less (1)5 year old's reason(s) out of its ass. That time will come. You're welcome.
"The other Voyager is powering weapons," Tuvok said.
"Full shields," Kathryn ordered. The Bridge shook violently.
"Hail them," Chakotay said.
"They're responding," Tuvok said.
SURRENDER. YOUR BRIDGE CAN'T STAND ANOTHER VIOLENT CAMERA SHAKE.
The viewscreen re-activated showing Voyager's Bridge. Nearly all of the main cast...er I mean senior staff were on the their Bridge.
This "the tv show, er I mean real life" joke is wearing verrrrryyyy thin. Thinner than 15 year old me was. The joke is my little pony, skinny and bony. Ouch, those scars run deep :(
Everyone was puzzled when they saw the younger woman in charge instead of Kathryn.
"Don't contact us, it's a waste of kicking butt time," the woman said.
"Who the hell is this witch?" Chakotay asked.
"It's my sister!" Kathryn exclaimed. Tom did a cut throat imitation.
Hmm, I wonder why this Voyager has Janeway's sister in charge instead of her. I'm sure there's gonna be an explanation/plot twist later in the series, for now we theorise.
HAHA
I mean yeah there is a reason, but I don't remember the series ever going to the trouble of bothering with it. So yeah, look forward to that!
I suppose the best you get is they're pulled from parallel dimensions and brainwashed to fit into the crew, however Phoebe's got a tad more than that going on so... still lazy on my part.
"Thanks for the compliment, monkey boy. Now we'll get back to kicking your sorry butt," the woman said.
Oh another ancient insider joke. Chakotay's a monkey. Get it, because Resolutions had a monkey that kept interfering with the J/C. No I don't get it either. I dunno if I was the one who started it, I hope not. Can't remember that but I CAN REMEMBER ENERGISA BUNNY'S ORIGINS. STUPID BRAIN.
"There isn't any room for the two of us. Sorry sis, nice seeing ya again and all that but I'm going to have to blow you up now," Phoebe said.
The viewscreen went off. The other Voyager continued firing.
"Captain, that Voyager is no match for us," Tuvok said.
Pfft, they still managed to violently shake the bridge. I am remembering a generational Klingon ship probably centuries old giving Voyager a good beating in S7, so hey.
I bet Tuvok didn't get the shields up in time.
Questions only I should be able to answer but I'm the one asking, so OH DEAR:
1) Why is that Voyager no match for them? They should be equal weapons wise.
2) They're evil, why didn't they nab better weapons, like maybe the Retrospect guys weapons.
3) Why is this Voyager damaged anyway?
4) Why does Phoebe threaten to blow them up? The episode quickly shows that was never the plan.
5) WHY IS IT SEVENTH DIMENSION AND HOW CAN HARRY TELL THAT WHEN ITS NEWS TO THEM IN THE SAME SCENE?
Ahem, getting ahead of myself. That time will come.
"Their weapons and shields are badly damaged, we could just fire a torpedo into their weapons array and they'll be forced to retreat," Tuvok said.
I guess this is the answer to question 1. It's dumb and I don't believe it. It only brings more attention to question 3.
"Direct hit, their weapons are off line," Tuvok said.
"Hail them," Kathryn said.
"It's too late, Captain, they've re-entered the distortion," Tom said.
If they were no match for "our Voyager", surely hitting their engines would be a better plan if you want them to talk. Just a thought. Oh well.
"Harry, can you tell where that Voyager has gone?" Kathryn asked. Harry was still in a trance about Earth.
"Oh never mind," Kathryn muttered.
Lol. Oh that boy.
"Seven Of Nine to the Bridge."
"Go ahead Seven," Kathryn said.
"Mmm, Go Ahead Bars," B'Elanna muttered. Everyone was staring at her. "What? I've got to keep in shape!"
RANDOM B'ELANNA OUT OF NOWHERE
Yeah it's OOC, it's partly ripped off from the Simpsons, but it's a little amusing. To me anyway.
"I thought Seven was drunk," James muttered.
"I managed to treat her! Hello everyone!" the Doctor's voice yelled cheerfully.
"Captain, please report to the Astrometrix Lab."
"And then you can report to Sickbay for a nice little check up."
With the Doc's hyperactivity, I'm imagining Seven standing beside him with her teeth gritted and fists clenched as she calls for help.
The Doc's clearly bored and with how he is treated in FV I'm not surprised. He was demoted to Neelix level, and it wasn't intentional either.
The Astrometrix Lab:
Someone finally had chased the Doctor out of the room so the meeting was finally started.
Though this was.
FINALLY
Oh and lol if I haven't already at the X in Astrometrics. It isn't a joke. This is how I thought it was spelt.
It only became a joke later.
"I traced where the distortion leads to. It leads to the Seventh Dimension," Seven said.
"Since when has there been seven dimensions?" Jessie asked.
"I told you those writers have some crazy ideas," James replied.
PREACH IT JAMES. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT SON
It's just as he said. A crazy idea. What he doesn't say, or anyone else for that matter, that it's a crazy idea that was made up to seemingly accommodate the writers inclusion and Year of Hell (I'm guessing from what I've re-read so far), and completely clashes with the overall theme of the series.
But we'll get there.
"I don't see you coming up with anything better!" Raichu's voice yelled.
Give him a sec, I'm sure he will.
"All right, but I still think seven dimensions is a stupid idea," James muttered.
"That's it! No one gets away with insulting the dimension I made up two years ago, ever!" Marill's voice yelled.
YEAA... WHAT?
I mean yeah the bare basics are correct. Kidz Trek was set in the "fifth dimension" and the "seventh dimension" was where the bad guys came from. That's it. What comes next and I'll know is coming when I wrote that line, was not what I had in mind in the slightest, and wasn't made up "two years ago".
BUT ANYWAY JAMES *HIGH FIVE*
"Well then, why don't we be extremely nasty to him in the next couple of episodes," Raichu's voice said.
Worse Case Scenario 2? Nope. Collective Instinct... OH! Half right.
Poor James, he was assimilated for our sins.
A girl that looked just like Jessie appeared. James screamed and he ran out of the room. "Wait James, my sweetie, come back!" she squealed. She ran after him.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Dannielle Rex. Or rather Jessiebelle, James' arranged fiancee, with a love for BDSM, from Pokémon. Yeah you read that right.
"Oh my god, my twin sister," Jessie stuttered.
"That was disturbing," Tom muttered.
Since Jessiebelle looked exactly like TR-Jessie, I figured my Jessie should have a crazy/evil twin who was forcibly engaged to James. Like Jessiebelle she'd be completely bonkers and VERY OK with marrying James, who meanwhile is scared s$$$less of her for very good reasons.
It's a stupid and er... disturbing origin tale sure, however it all worked out in the end. The forced engagement between James and Dannielle is still the same stupid thing, I'll admit, but everything revolving around it is amazing (in my opinion obviously). I won't go into that here as HUGE AND I MEAN HUGE SPOILERS FOR VERY LATE SEASON 5. Just know that I did think it was embarrassing to share the origins of that spoilerific plot development, to the point of thinking about not saying anything.
It's not the most embarrassing part of the episode anyway. THIS IS:
"It's simple, the Fifth Dimension is a fictional group of galaxies. People in the Third dimension think up a new book or TV show and it becomes real in this dimension. For example those writers are from the Third dimension and they thought up Fifth Voyager and here we are.
I estimate that we are in Dimension 5.19834, and that's just a rounded off number. The Seventh dimension is parallel to ours, it is controlled by the Sixth Dimension," Seven said.
"But those writers just said that they invented the Seventh dimension," Jessie said.
"I'm getting to that. The Sixth & Seventh dimension appeared two years ago, when that writer made it up. Unfortunately the Sixth dimension was conquered by an evil boss type person so he controls the Seventh Dimension.
Everyone there works for him now and I'm afraid because of that we are in danger. That Voyager probably was brainwashed personally and they will stop at nothing to destroy any other Voyagers," Seven said.
I... I don't know where to start.
Oh wait I do.
BULLS$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T
This is the Fifth Voyager version of this...
Times that by a hundred... million.
But Marill, this is an old episode written when you were clearly a nutty 15 year old girl. Cut it some slack.
NO.
NO I WON'T.
Let me tell you what my thought processes were leading up to Fifth Voyager's creation. This is the honest to god truth of it. There will be spoilers for Timeline but I'm hoping anyone who reads these reviews are up to date on at least the reboots. If you're not interested, skim by the orange text.
1998/9: I decided to create a spin off to Kidz Trek as I really liked Voyager's premise, and since I had no creative bone in my body I ripped it off. The only differences were it had more J/C scenes and "Seven" was an amnesiac future version of their daughter, who hadn't been born yet.
1998/9: During the break between season four and five of Voyager, I ran out of things to steal, so an arc revolving around "Janeway" being pregnant is cooked up. The chapter she gives birth is entitled Aggressions. She and "Chakotay" name her Kiara after Simba's daughter from the Lion King. Sometime during this the "Seven" character starts acting more human and slowly gets her memories back.
1999 probably: Timeline is cooked up. "Seven" or rather Roxanne remembers who she is and how she is assimilated days/weeks before it's due to happen. The quest to save Kiara from the same fate begins and ends with a paradox. Roxanne temporarily vanishes.
Sometime between Scorpion Part 1's airing in the UK and 2000: I discovered fanfiction exists. Finally J/C can be together. Yay.
Sometime after that: I decided to temporarily stop thinking about writing Kidz Trek and think about writing Voyager fanfiction instead. The question was how?
No later than 2000: The first attempt was a story called Tragedy. Janeway's suddenly pregnant. She has a kid called Kiara. Q basically says she's a gift for helping him with his son. Later spin offs are started but not finished, two of them revolve around The Mummy (1999) rip offs. The second one was based on a story from Kidz Trek Voyage, with a title like The Curse of (whatever the ship was called).
After that: The candle burns out on this series and I move onto The Front & Behind The Camera Series (less said the better) and then The What If series. The latter focused on original Voyager episodes being changed by one thing, that would in turn effect the next one and so on. The only story I partially wrote was a different take on Scorpion where Janeway is chosen to speak for the Borg instead of Seven.
After that: Several episodes were picked out to use in this What If series. Kiara and Roxanne came to mind, as well as Tragedy which I thought was a shame to waste. Next thing I know I'm plotting out "Season One", with the idea to mix Kidz Trek Voyage, What If and Tragedy.
The idea? J/C have a daughter without sleeping together. Q's involved but that's not shown, yet. Her presence changes things bit by bit, with every original episode. About half way through they encounter a Borg ship from the future, with a Human girl aboard. She ends up being the future Kiara and the threat of her assimilation looms. The series gets even more different with Future-Kiara on the ship too. Season Two could be anything I want after that, since they're so far out from the original (and cos I hadn't seen Season 7 yet).
It's not original Voyager, it's a parallel universe. Everything's the same until Kiara appears, that's where it branches off. Oh, maybe it can be related to Kidz Trek after all. I can bring Lilly and her ships in. I decided to base the series in the fifth dimension as a nice little tribute at least, with the possibility of linking it later if I wanted to.
The Fifth Dimension Voyager Series, quickly renamed Fifth Voyager is born.
I'm not making any of this up. This was the timeline for FV's creation. This was the exact thought process behind it. Fifth Voyager was a combination of my only original idea for Kidz Trek Voyage, the Q/baby plot from Tragedy, and the slight changes make a huge difference What If series.
Yes I developed the Fifth part of the title later, after FV started. I've admitted that on at least one other page. I didn't though start the series with fifth dimension is a collection of multiuniverses for fanfic to play out in idea. It ignores everything I had done before in the planning stages, which was simply this (fifth) dimension split off from original Voyager because of Kiara's birth. THAT'S SODDING IT. THAT'S ALL IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE BEGINNING.
I'll admit that I can't remember what Seventh Voyager and its sixth counterpart's deal was before Aggressions Part 2. I assume they had no numbered title, or Seventh Voyager was another nod to Kidz Trek. I do know that the writers appearances, as well as the altered Damien in Aggressions Part 2 had a lot to do with this mess.
Even if this was the preferred explanation for the AU dimension and FV's title, it makes little sense. Why?
1) Surely original Voyager is a Fifth Voyager too (TV shows were included in the exposition). Return Of Third Voyager at least would beg to differ. According to Mirror Universes' "logic", Voyager is real.
2) If everything fictional is in the fifth dimension, what is Seventh Voyager and why is Kidz Trek's elements later revealed to be either linked to it or based in it (this is so bad I've erased it from my memory, clearly)? What is the sixth dimension?
Seriously, it all falls apart. Why? BECAUSE IT WAS MADE UP ON THE FLY TO EXPLAIN WHY THE WRITERS COULD APPEAR... EXCEPT IT DOESN'T. LAST TIME I CHECKED, I DIDN'T HAVE A FIFTH DIMENSION DOOR OPENER. ALSO YEAR OF HELL TAKES A LOT OF BLAME FOR THIS TOO, I BET.
Anyway. I'd move on, but my re-watch of Red Dwarf was conveniently timed for this review. I got to Parallel Universe, I think it's called, yesterday and it had a nice little quote from Holly after their ship enters the fifth dimension:
"You've got your basic dimensions right; length, breadth, depth and time. The fifth dimension has co-existing realities. Two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence."
Coupled with the fact that they use "fifth" (I dunno if anything he said is a current theory, or was since this was aired in the 80's I think) and the multiple universes, made me instantly think "woah, is this where I got this multiple fanfic dimensions crap from?" I later wondered if it inspired Kidz Trek's use of it. I don't remember. No I'm not blaming Red Dwarf for this. Hardly! I blame me. I just have a theory here that I used it as an excuse to make FV more "interesting" and unique with this ridiculous fiction dimensions idea.
Nevertheless I carried on with this malarkey, even while doing the Kiara/Morgan storyline unchanged thankfully. Season Two went there far too many times. I think by Season Three I started to de-canon it. One of S3's rare redeeming traits, if true.
MOVING ON AT LAST.
"Who is this evil boss type person?" Chakotay asked.
"Nobody knows. Since we have beaten that other Voyager I wouldn't be surprised if the Boss sends his ships after us," Seven said.
"His ships?" Tom asked.
"Apparently he's conquered an entire species, he uses those ships to do his bidding. We do have an advantage over them, one of the ships is rumoured to be weak, that ship will be easy to defeat," Seven said.
Not long ago I thought it was a fantastic idea to go back to Season 1 and 2 and remove/alter these "ships" Seven mentioned and who they're run by. It should've been done in 2001, or rather not done at all. I can't go into the why, but since this is Season One you'd be right in guessing that it was stolen from something.
This "entire species enslaved by the Boss" bull, I shake my head once more. I've mentioned Season Two already and I shouldn't, but the fixed version of this crap is something I'm dying to show to any readers I have left. I love it. It's a long way away though, I wish I could write faster and stop having days like today where I don't feel "good enough" to.
"Does this Boss want to dominate the Third dimension too?" Jessie asked.
"Probably, he probably wants to control the whole cosmos," Seven replied.
Oh yeah, during my lotsa ranting, I forgot all about another gripe I had with the exposition scene. How does Seven know all of this? I'm surprised she doesn't tell the crew how the rest of the series is gonna go. "Hey guys, guess what happens in Untitled. I get a badass fight scene."
"Tuvok to Janeway, an unknown fleet of ships and that Voyager is only ten lightyears away heading straight for us."
"Call for Red Alert, Commander. It looks like we have a dimensional war on our hands," Kathryn said.
It's no "time to take out the garbage", but what is?
"Aunt Phoebe, why do we have to go through this lousy plan?" Kiara asked.
This raises further questions I'm not even sure what the answers are.
It's so unknown to me I had to think of an explanation for the reboot and hope that was the actual one. Ahem.
"Because my dear, you are not good enough for our dimension, your Fifth dimension counterpart is. Don't worry you won't be the only one leaving, those three dimwits Jessie, James and Triah are going too," Phoebe replied.
FORESHADOWING
Now it looks coincidental and daft, and I wouldn't blame you after reading the last novel I wrote here. If you didn't skip it anyway. However the basic idea for this is the same as it was before fanfic dimensions and does have a tiny bit of logical sense.
Ready?
The Boss nabbed his own Voyager from a parallel dimension and forced them to do his bidding. Now forget the Janeway sisters being mixed up for a second, the basic idea was the Voyager he stole was the closest he could get to Fifth's. The crew should be identical. Again forget Phoebe, there's a reason for that and should've been revealed later (and reboot will do this).
Without going too far into spoiler territory, this Kiara upon having been corrupted by evil wouldn't be the same as Fifth's. The Boss would find her inferior and want to swap. I've mentioned in other reviews there was plans for James. The same applies to him. Jessie's arc that begins in late Season Two I doubt was decided back here and became a happy coincidence, I'll admit but same applies for her. Triah though is where the idea falls flat. She's simply another new main character.
Craig gets excluded because it wasn't meant to be Seventh Voyager wants the extra characters because they're NEW. Dunno why I did add Triah and maybe Jessie tbh. It'd make more sense if Triah was simply not on Seventh Voyager as Boss got it before Hunters and he wanted to complete the set. Considering that she disappears in the away mission later, it's probably what I was going for but forgot to mention.
This is a looong review.
"Why isn't he going?" Kiara asked as she pointed at a younger boy with dark auburn hair.
"Fifth Voyager don't have him, silly, we don't want to risk him to those morons. Soon he'll be leader of the Seventh dimension," Phoebe replied.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaah.
Better not ask. Not yet anyway.
"I don't wanna be..." he started to say. The song Lullaby from Lion King 2 started.
"Hush my little one. You must be exhausted. Sleep my little Alex. Let your dreams take wing. One day when you're big and strong, you will be a king," Phoebe sang as she left the room.
Ah "Lullaby", a classic. *cough*MY LULLABY*cough*
I know it's silly and very Season One'y. I can't help it, I love the random burst into song moments when they're done IMO right. This isn't one of them, don't worry. Even the reboot version is kinda dull.
"The sound of Kathy's dying gasp," she sang. Tom pretended to drop dead on his console.
"Her daughter squealing in my grasp." Chakotay grabbed Kiara and she squealed in his ear so he dropped her.
"Her first officer's mournful cry!" Chakotay did nothing, everyone groaned at him. "That's my lullaby!"
It's vague, but the whole Phoebe/Janeway swap over hints are there.
In Lion King lyrics so I'm not gonna keep that compliment up.
"One day when you're big and strong..." Kiara sang.
"You will be a king!" Phoebe's voice sang over the intercom.
STOP USING KING. THAT GOES NOWHERE. I RUINED THIS PLOT DEVELOPMENT, I RUINED ALEX. HALP. FU DIMENSION JUMP.
* Spoilers for Reboot One & Two: Yeah yeah the song's lyrics haven't been changed much, it should be boss/leader. Nope. From what I remember of the plans for Season Two, the Seventh Voyager crew would take advantage of the Ligers weakened command structure (basically Lilly and her brother, decendants of royalty. Heiress does its best to explain the problem and rescue the mess Dimension Jump made). In a nut shell they wanted to place their leader into the role of king, preferably Alex. His origins would be explained, but alas, changes were made in Dimension Jump to satisfy a particular agenda. Blahblah horrible ancient I'd prefer not to say history. Damien returned via Alex possession, he lasted an episode or two and was promptly forgotten about. Wasted potential I intend to explore, I assure you. It wasn't all bad, Damien was revamped (and renamed) during or after Dimension Jump and he's now a major character I'm glad I didn't do away with permanently. Silver linings and all.
Oh yeah and:
"Pay-back time is nearing and then our flag will fly, against the blood-red sky! That's my lullaby!" Phoebe sang. The whole Bridge cheered as she laughed evilly.
I know it's My Lullaby's lyrics but why are they swearing vengeance on Fifth Voyager? They've barely had any scenes with them. Knocking out their one weapons array really teed them off.
Voyager was under attack by the alien fleet. The other Voyager stood out of harms way.
Oh yeah, that Seventh Voyager is so scary, so evil. What a formidable foe with their being no match for Voyager, being damaged and knocked out of a fight in one hit. OOOOH!
"Shields are gone!" Tuvok said.
"Captain, another distortion is opening, some signal is emanating from it," Tom said.
Meanwhile: Seventh Voyager press their fingers together and cackle "soon Gadget, soon."
Wait, what? What other distortion. Ohno, I don't like the sound of this.
"All I know Captain, is that distortion leads to Dimension 5.84779843683147," Seven's voice said.
OHno....
The alien ships left the distortion, they faced another fleet of ships. The new fleet opened a commlink.
"Hello boys! Welcome, prepare to be vaporized!" the voice yelled. One other voice laughed with her.
Vaporizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzed
"Hahaha! They weren't expecting us!" Marill laughed.
"Er, Mar, where did these ships come from and how can we control this dimension too?" Raichu asked.
"Lets just say this is my first dimension and this is the [blank] Fleet," Marill said.
Well, I was half right.
And hahaha [blank]. Haven't thought of Dellia yet Marill?
"You don't think I going to tell everyone what my sci-fi book series will be called and what the main fleet of ships are called? You disgust me!" Marill exclaimed.
Oh you poor deluded fool.
"At least give the fleet a different name for the time being," Raichu moaned.
"All right, the Dellia Fleet," Marill moaned.
HAHAHAHA... it really was made up on a 5 second spot, wasn't it? oh dear.
The battle started and the aliens were no match for the Dellia Fleet. Two of the ships exploded and the rest of them went back to their dimension through another distortion.
"Hahaha! They'll know not to mess with my series again!" Marill yelled.
Ah of course, the Dellia fleet is invincible, just like the Enterprise E (now). Nothing but the simply the best for my ship babies.
Haha to the idea that another person is responsible for messing with Fifth Voyager. You know it's bad Marill, that's why you point fingers everywhere else, and yet you still write it. Good job!
"Yeah. There is a few more scenes left we'll have to finish this story," Raichu said.
Oh sorry, is the actual plot of the story getting in the way of your fanfic dimension plans?
Meanwhile the Boss of the Sixth & Seventh Dimension was watching the Dellia Fleet that he knew so much about.
"Hmmm, the Dellia Fleet, I can still crush you like a bug, this isn't the end. You will never see the last of me," he said as he stroked something.
Pfft hehehehe. Most of his descriptions are him stroking something, while he sits in the dark. My dirty mind went there, so I giggled for a good few minutes.
"I remember in my days there was only three known dimensions, in those days they were called invisible, flat and fat," an old boring voice said.
"Oh great, now you've done it, you've given away who I am," the Boss said. You could now see that he was stroking a rabbit.
Yeah the so called plot twist of World Domination was never meant to be at all shocking. It was meant to be a "I am your father moment" moment for the Boss, with everyone replying with a shrug and crazy eye roll, muttering "yeah I know, and?"
Still though, there are better and funnier ways to pull this off than this.
I do like the invisible, flat and fat line though. Old Man was a very unoriginal character, at least though I gave him a few half decent jokes throughout the years.
"Look who was beamed on our doorstep," the Doctor said. He walked into his office and he came back out with two kids right behind him.
"Kiara?" Chakotay asked.
"But I'm Kiara," Kiara moaned.
"So am I, duh!" Kiara 2 said.
I'M SPARTACUS
"Who's that?" James asked.
When I first read that line immediately after the above, I thought that James was being VERY STUPID and asking who the other Kiara was. I forgot Alex was there too.
NOW WHO'S STUPID? ME, THAT'S WHO
"Dannielle," Tom joked. James went into his 'don't mention that name' trance.
Not content with stealing the Jessiebelle thing, we gotta take the Professor Ivy joke too. Pokémon's really gotta start locking their doors at night.
"It's Kiara's little brother...from the Seventh dimension," the Doctor replied. Kiara 2 walked up to Kiara.
"God, you're really lucky, you don't have my brother. What's it like?" Kiara 2 asked.
"What's going on?" Kiara asked.
"A bit hazy," Kiara 2 muttered.
oh snap
Now remember for this entire scene one little fact. Don't let it slip away from you. Ready? Here it is:
Kiara's one year old here and unlike the reboot version, Seventh Kiara is the same age.
"No, that stinky witch has done nothing but annoy me by talking about her," Kiara 2 said as she pointed at Kiara. "Her plan involves me pretending to be on your side and then tricking you into taking your Kiara to our ship and then making me your prisoner. Then she can go on her merry way. Lets just say I'd rather help you than be your prisoner."
Well when you put it like that.
"What can you do?" Kathryn asked.
"Your Kiara could take my place on that ship, she'll have to act like me and then she'll have to tell Phoebe that the plan has failed. Then she'll try to take your Kiara by force, that's when you can turn me back over to them and they'll give your Kiara back in return. You can be over fifty lightyears away by the time that dopey witch finds out what's happened," Kiara 2 explained.
"Seems like a good plan," Tom muttered.
It might be a sorta ok, overly convoluted plan if it weren't for that one ickle thing I said before.
Remember?
"Kiara won't be able to pull this off on her own. Kiara, is there any other people on this crew that Phoebe is after?" Kathryn asked.
You... you don't say!?!
"Phoebe only wants characters that weren't developed when Seventh Voyager was created Kiara, Jessie, James and Triah. Why?" Kiara 2 asked. Jessie looked worried, James was still in his trance.
Yeah, um... developed's the word we're using? Okay.
Jessie's worried. Harry and James have co-founded the "Trans" club.
"We could pull the same thing with those three, the plan has a bigger chance of succeeding if there is more of my crew on this mission," Kathryn said.
Oh finally! Yes, send those three. Much better. Phew! [NOTSARCASM]
"I'm not even sure if Phoebe is planning to take those three in this mission, what makes you think it's going to work?" Kiara 2 asked.
"I know Phoebe, she wouldn't waste her time and resources by attacking our Voyager more than once. She'll be planning to kidnap everyone she can in this one mission," Kathryn replied.
Phoebe sounds pretty intelligent from this, resourceful too. This isn't the image we get of her when she's in a scene... evil or not. If she was this smart, she probably would've waited until her ship was fixed before attacking. Just saying.
"Tom, could you take Kiara and what ever his name is to some quarters," Chakotay said.
"It's Alex," the boy said.
"Aye sir," Tom muttered. He left Sickbay with the two kids following him.
Phew, crisis sorta averted.
"Captain, your not seriously going to have Kiara, Jessie, James & Triah on that ship?" the Doctor asked.
SPOKE TOO SOON.
WHEREVER WOULD YOU GET THAT IDEA DOC?
"Doctor, have you performed an ARA on her?" Kathryn asked.
"Yes, I was performing one during the whole conversation. She was telling the truth," the Doctor said.
On a kid/baby/toddler? I'm sure that will be 100% accurate.
"If I understand correctly, she and her crew were brainwashed by the Boss, which makes them evil, cheaters and liars, right?" Jessie said.
"Right," Kathryn said.
"Think about it. Lying will be second nature to them. They do it all the time, lying to them is like telling the truth to us," Jessie said.
WOW. THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD POINT.
"Then we'll still carry out our plan but in a different way. We'll transport their Kiara to the Brig so she doesn't contact her crew during the mission. We'll have to keep a permanent lock on our Kiara," Kathryn said.
"No their shields are still not functioning after the last battle. They will get them on line soon so we'll have to stop them from raising them again. That's why Jessie, James and Triah have to be on that ship," Kathryn said.
I have a better plan then. BLOW THEM OUT OF THE SKY BEFORE THEY DO
"I get it, Jess, James and Triah will be the saboteurs, I'll be the..." Kiara said.
HAHA you totally know what saboteurs are and understand the plan. There's nothing at all wrong with this whatsoever.
"You'll have to pretend to be the other Kiara until we beam you out, that could be anytime, when we beam you out we'll put that other Kiara in your place," Chakotay said.
Yeaah, no problemo.
"Can you do that?" Kathryn asked.
"Sure!" Kiara replied.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Kathryn said.
"I do want to do it, it'll be fun to be evil," Kiara said.
RED FLAG
"Don't get used to it," Chakotay said. James finally got out of his trance.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"We've been volunteered into a dangerous mission again," Jessie muttered.
Again? Lemme think.
Unforgettable, debatable. Once Upon A Time, nope. What was episode 7 again? The Fight, nope. WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
"We'll only need two saboteurs, does any of you want to drop out?" Chakotay asked. The pair hi-fived each other but they kept a hold of each other's hand.
NOW KISS
No wait, wrong comment. Thinking, thinking.
WHAT?
"Where ever the other goes, the other goes too," Jessie said.
Ow, my brain is melting.
"We're inseparable," James muttered.
WE NOTICED
"Whatever," Kathryn muttered too.
Yeah, perfect response, except for muttered too.
Why does James mutter this? He seemed enthused by this stupid Team Rocket copied scene earlier. Oh I forgot, muttered is just another word for said in this series. Carry on.
Now that the scene's over, I hoped you remembered that line all throughout. Yeah. Did you see the big problem with it?
Yeah let's send our one year old daughter to the enemy ship, who want to kidnap her, and have her pretend to be her evil counterpart who's capable of speaking full paragraphs. I mean we can send three (no two* according to Chakotay) other people they want, but nah this plan won't work if we don't send the baby too. What could go wrong?
Mirror Universes was a bit of a pain to reboot, as you can imagine.
Two hours later, the Brig:
"Why did you beam me here! I'm on your side, damn it!" Kiara 2 yelled. Tom stuck his tongue out at her as he left. "JERK!" Kiara 2 yelled.
Um, Tom... what were you doing for two whole hours with these evil kids? Did it take you that long to outsmart them?
"All right then, lets get this over with," Jessie said and she looked around the corner. "Oh my god! That's me?" Jessie squealed.
"Er, yeah," James muttered.
"Look at that hair! It's a brighter red than a Traffic Light!" Jessie exclaimed.
HA
Jessie took off her comm badge. "Er you put it on her, she'll think you're her James," Jessie said. James shrugged and he walked around the corner after taking the comm badge off Jessie.
This plan is foolproof. All James has to do is switch the commbadges on Jessie's chest. I'm not being sarcastic. She won't suspect a thing.
"James, where the hell have you been and what happened to your hair?" Jessie 2 asked.
"I'd ask you the same thing," Jessie whispered.
"I cut it," James muttered. He took her comm badge off.
Oh yeah, the evil haircuts. No one thought to get some wigs for their infiltrators?
"Hey that's mine!" she exclaimed.
"Oh sorry, here I'll put it back," James muttered as he put Jessie's commbadge on Jessie 2's uniform.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" Jessie 2 asked.
"I'll tell ya later," James muttered. He tapped Jessie 2's commbadge. "Taylor to Voyager, lock onto the commbadge."
Okay let me get this straight.
The plan is to swap the commbadges so they can infiltrate as their evil selves and then later when Seventh Voyager go to kidnap the James, Jess and Triah trio, they'll kidnap their own people from the brig. Okay. Fair enough. (The latter may only be the reboot version, can't recall right now).
They both will need to tell Voyager when they're ready for transport, using their own commbadges. It's logical to assume tapping the evil clone's commbadge would tap them through to Seventh Voyager, not Fifth even if you do say "to Voyager".
So why does James tap Seventh Jessie's commbadge?
Because it's the one he's holding? Because it's risque for him to tap Evil Jessie's boob, er chest to activate the correct commbadge? I didn't think this through?
Probably number 3 with a little elements of 1 and 2 to be honest.
Also, I didn't notice this during the reboot. I did notice the boob touching though and changed it to putting the new commbadge on her arm. One word helped fix this so he taps Fifth Jessie's badge on her arm. Phew.
MEANWHILE
"Well why are you here. You thought that you could fool me," Phoebe said.
"So, one of your plans worked after all," Chakotay muttered.
"What the hell are you talking about...Phoebe?" Kiara said.
Well there you go. Phoebe actually is a little smart, as Janeway hinted, and sees right through this.
I still hate the fact that I thought it was okay to do this to a one year old.
"Okay, Chakotay since we've got their Kiara, we can go and get those other three. Prepare our three for transportation. We won't be using them anymore," Phoebe said.
"Can't, shields aren't on-line yet," Chakotay said.
Haahaha. Stupid's all around me, I feel it even in my toes.
Wtf was I thinking with this?
I hope the reboot nailed it: "we can't, shields are off. So once we do all of our beaming there's nothing stopping good Voyager from getting them back."
NAH!
"Well I must say Kiara, you can do a good impersonation of our Kiara, you impressed me. You'll be a fine addition to our crew," Phoebe said.
Then how did you know?
Actually now that I think about it, why was Alex beamed over to Fifth Voyager too? OMG WHY HAVE I ONLY NOTICED THIS NOW???
Alex isn't on Fifth, Phoebe sang that whole song about Alex being "great" enough to be a leader. Chakotay hinted that the real plan was to trick Janeway into sending her Kiara over to pretend to be evil, thus leaving evil Kiara on Fifth Voyager. So WHY AGAIN WAS ALEX THERE?
"Fine, but why do you need me?" Kiara asked.
"When our Kiara was brainwashed she lost all her telepathic powers," Phoebe said.
Jesus f$$$$$ Christ! BRB ACTIVATING INTERNAL TANTRUM MODE
WARNING EPIC RANT FOR MANY PARAGRAPHS, SCROLL TILL YOU HIT MORE RED
Hey past Marill. You wanna know why Fifth Voyager never took off? Why any interest it did have dwindled to almost nothing when you started to take it seriously with plots, endings, decent character development, storyarcs that weren't about writers, and you know less crazy s$$$? Let present Marillsplain it to everyone.
You read the first nine episodes of Season One and what first impression of Fifth Voyager do you get? How would you describe it?
Stupid. Crazy. Illiterate. Parody. My Immortal Lite. Pokémon Crossover. Straight up copies everything. Doesn't take itself seriously whatsoever. Has some potential, but craps over any hints of it seemingly on purpose for cheap laughs. Cheap and nasty. Doesn't care about its own plot. FANFIC DIMENSIONS.
You get the idea I hope.
How would you, the reader, expect the fourth and fifth seasons to be like from this impression? You might expect it to be written a little better with some experience, but the series established itself as a fourth wall parody that made fun of its own plot twists. The final season is probably the ultimate Pokémon battle between the writers and the Boss, while Fifth and Seventh lurk in the background having drunk parties.
Nope. I finally tried to make FV into what I initially wanted it to be. Compare any episode of Season Five with this and you'll see the stark difference. Apart from character names (for the most part) and sometimes a silly scene, they have nothing in common with each other.
All series' develop I know. But anyone starting from Season One and still continues to read it till here, will be because they might like the odd humour, the fourth wall stuff with the writers, and find stuff like random blurting out "oh btw this character has a special skill that hasn't been shown yet" funny.
Or maybe they like reading car crash fanfic. My Immortal for example is infamous not because anybody really thought it was good. It became famous for being very badly written, having incoherent storylines, stupid stuff like "ludacris fools" and "his thingie in my you know what", pointless music scenes, their own lore being rewritten to suit the scene/chapter, OOC original characters, writers commenting in the narrative etc...
SOUND FAMILIAR?
The differences is My Immortal never really got better, it got worse but still stayed true to what it was. Also it was a Harry Potter fic, which very likely helped with the attention getting compared to a Voyager fic written when the series was nearly over. Voyager's not well liked, I found that out quite recently.
Fifth Voyager IMO did get better. It changed technically back into what it was supposed to be. Think Aggressions Part 1 but hopefully better written and some original storylines going on.
I can't imagine that many people reading and "liking" Season One, would be able to go on until its finish in Season Five and read the prequels too. It's pretty damn unlikely. This is the answer to the question I asked sometime ago. Why does no one comment on Season Four/Five/B4FV3, wah. BECAUSE ANYONE WHO COULD LIKE WHAT FV IS NOW, WOULD HAVE TO START WITH AGGRESSIONS, AND THEY'D BE PUT OFF BY ITS RIDICULOUSNESS. THEY'D NEVER SEE THOSE SEASONS. DUH!!!!
NOTE: I didn't come into the Mirror Universes re-read expecting to write so damn much complaining. I expected to go ape on the fifth dimensions part, and that's it. The "oh btw Kiara's telepathic" line really set me off. It was the point where I realised 2001 me didn't give a s$$$ about anything other than funneh writers crap.
Moving on from that stupid. stupid. stupid! line.
Anyway Phoebe contacts Jessie, who's really the good one and no one's noticed she now has "normal" hair, to tell Tom to look after Kiara while the attack goes on. Why she doesn't contact Tom directly would be impossible to answer, but I guess it was probably to have a jig's almost up near scare for Jessie.
Tom storms in immediately.
"What did you mean by find Paris, I was on the Bridge you dur brain!" Tom exclaimed.
"You weren't when I was on the Bridge before," Phoebe said.
YOU MEAN DUR DUR HEAD
SO EVIL, I CANT STAND IT
"Where do you think he'll take her?" Jessie whispered.
"I don't know, but we can track her by this station," James muttered.
Hacker James to the rescue???
"I've got shields on-line," Tuvok said.
OHNOES
"I'll try to get them down again," Jessie whispered.
Nope I was wrong. Worse Case Scenario 2 definitely introduced Hacker James. Why nitpick it, because we clearly see the opposite in the previous episode. Sigh.
Could've been fixed if I ever bothered to go back to older episodes and edit, or come up with character details sooner than last minute.
The pair sneaked into the turbo lift, but Harry noticed them.
OHNOES
Tom had tied Kiara to a chair in the middle of the room. He was playing with a ball. He threw at Kiara. "C'mon catch you silly kid," he said.
See!? Now that's evil.
Here I thought they were big kids pretending to be bad.
But again seriously, why did anyone think it was a good idea to send the baby into the enemy's territory?
"Harry this isn't funny, you moron!" Tom yelled. Some music started playing as some spot lights suddenly appeared. They shined on 2 figures standing on a crate. "Huh?"
NO
"We're part of Fifth Voyager and we fight for what is good. We don't like the motto so we'd thought we try a song," two people said.
I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD DO THIS. REMEMBER THIS WHEN TEST OF TIME COMES AROUND.
AND LMAO, WE'RE A PART OF FIFTH VOYAGER SO WE FIGHT FOR WHAT'S GOOD. I looove ironic jokes.
Does it count?? I DUNNO! It mentions it, it's stolen from Team Rocket. YES
Motto Count: 1
Kid's in trouble, let's pose and do a spoken word version of a motto-song to announce our presence. GREAT PLAN
"Jess, James, why are you on her side?" Tom asked.
"He just doesn't get it does he?" Jessie asked.
Seventh crew are blind and dumb. Evil Jess noticed James' hair was wrong so neither of them bothered to play the part at all. Tom should notice the blond James and whatever colour Jessie has right now.
Also repeated copycat line, already used in Once Upon A Time. Or rather, it was already used when Once used it since it was written later. ACK CONFUSED.
"We're here to get what belongs to Fifth Voyager and then kick your sorry a**," James said.
UM. oh snap??
It's the closest thing we've got to a badass James threat so far. I'll take it.
MAKE MOMMA JANEWAY PROUD NOT A SPOILER I SWEAR
"Ooh, tough guy huh?" Tom said.
"Not in this dimension," James muttered.
Not in this season either.
OH SNAP
I'm laughing, I thought I rewrote his reply for the reboot because... well it fits there and not here. Nope. Lol at S1 James thinking he's tough.
I just thought. I doubt it's intended but I'm gonna pretend it is. This is James and Jessie's first real contribution to the series. Before this they're part of the problem, the really ineffective comic relief, or just there. Now they've got their first mission and Voyager's counting on them. Their first opponent is Tom. And well, Jessie's been preparing for this moment, for all her life *cue epic drums*
"What makes you think you can beat me?" Tom asked.
"Another few minutes should do it?" Jessie said.
You're not sure. This isn't good. But lol Tom. I'm betting in the FV universe even I could beat you up.
And scratch the above. Jessie doesn't use her previous beating up Tom training against the evil Tom. It would've been a great opportunity. I can't even expect extreme Jessie violence in this episode? I wasn't asking for something clever, jeez!
"We've overloaded the shield array, in three minutes the shields will overload and there's nothing you can do about it," James replied.
Jessie held out her phaser and she took Tom's comm badge.
"You really think that an overload is going to stop us?" Tom asked.
I'd say maybe you shouldn't have told him, but Jessie's got this.
"No I think the correct question is, is it going to stop us. As soon as we're back on Voyager we'll send your ship back to your dimension and then we will get away from here as fast as possible. Any questions?" Jessie said.
"Yeah, where's the bathroom?" Tom asked.
Damn, does "Evil" Tom think "Good" Jessie isn't gonna beat the crap out of him for this? Season One Jessie would bitchpunch Good Tom for hiccuping near her. You're tempting fate here Tommy.
Harry and Phoebe ran into the cargobay holding rifles.
"Oh, so this is what Fifth Voyager has been up to, well it's nice of them to give us what we wanted. I'll give it to them, they are nice people," Phoebe said.
You mean dumb.
"Er, Phoebe they..." Tom said. Jessie shot him.
"Be quiet," Jessie muttered.
I still would've preferred her beating the s$$$ out of him. You know put that bullying experience to good use.
I swear I saved that GIF so I could use it to highlight the truly rubbish. I'd probably timeout my own site if I did that though, so using it for badass moments will do. They'll be rare.
"Well do you surrender or do you want to fight for your freedom?" Phoebe asked.
"Actually we'd rather duck," James said.
"What?" Phoebe asked. A huge explosion occurred throughout the entire ship.
GAME OVER
Ducking won't save you but I love the line anyway. I also love the later callback to this in B4FV2 and Season Four. Intentional or not.
I think I had Basics Part 2 in mind for the shield overload. Still dunno if ducking would help them.
Doesn't matter cos Phoebe, Harry and Tom survive it anyway. Think it was just Season One James trying his hand at cool one liners. Janeway's still the queen.
For now.
"Their shields are down," Craig said.
"Harry, get them out of there. Janeway to Tuvok, beam our guests back to their ship," Kathryn ordered.
You know, I dunno what the point of the whole charade was other than disabling Seventh Voyager further. They were no real threat. Their shields were down, they could've beamed the other Kiara and Alex back and shot off into the "sunset".
Meh, I didn't give much thought to the reboot either so... *shrug* I may have to check it again after this. It was one of the quicker reboots I'll admit.
We do get this:
Voyager locked a tractorbeam onto the other Voyager and they pulled it into the distortion. Then Voyager shot off at maximum warp.
I suppose, but again, their shields were down. Why couldn't they do this before?
Oh lord. You are not prepared for what happens after Janeway's log. Get ready for more stupid:
"You know we should be superheroes, right Jess?" James said.
It's laughably bad on its own.
It however is even funnier with the knowledge that... spoilers
a) Later, James becomes allergic to the word hero and makes Jessie promise never to call him that. Jessie pretends she never did. That part of the scene's pretty sweet, it's a hopeful spark in that particular episode. I love it.
b) I suppose in the FV universe and/or lore, he could be called one. Though it's probably more accurate to call him an anti-hero. *shrug* Season One he's just an overgrown child with a rare couple of good lines.
"Jess, you'll always be my hero," Craig said dreamily. Triah grabbed his ear and pulled him away from the table.
Hehe.
"Craig, it's suppose to be the other way round," she muttered.
Is it?
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 1
Foreshadowing his later crush on Morgan? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
"You will, I think the Seventh Dimension will be back," Triah said.
"No doubt," James said.
Bad attempt to build up any kind of intrigue for later episodes. Real bad.
Also Triah, now that you're here. WHERE THE F$$$ DID YOU GO?
It's not said and it's easy to miss. I did quite a lot until this re-read. Chakotay suggests only two saboteurs are needed, despite their theory that Phoebe will kidnap the named three anyway, in response to Jessie complaining about being volunteered. Then they do that stupid Team Rocketey joined at the hip peppy boost of cheese.
Simply Triah wasn't forgotten about at all. She didn't make the mission. What was forgotten was a reminder of that. It looks sloppy and again, easily mistaken for a HUGE MISTAKE instead of an ickle one.
##############
Well let's see how everything tallies up.
Negatives:
1) The whole dimension arc being retconned into fanfic/fiction dimensions. No, a million NO'S.
2) One year old Kiara beamed on her own into the enemy's den for an infiltration mission.
3) Oh btw Kiara's telepathic, said as if you got any hints at all. Timeless and The Fight, previously not released when this episode was, were the only ones planned and they were meant to be tiny/subtle hints, nothing concrete whatsoever and could be explained as other things. This shouldn't be so bluntly shouted from the rooftops. And no it's not because Timeless and Fight were written later. As crap as they were handled, they still revealed the correct amount of hints they were supposed to. Mirror Universes f$$$$$ up badly here. I obviously could not be bothered to think of another way for Phoebe to explain her interest in her.
4) We thought we'd try a song. PLEASE DON'T.
5) Triah not being on the mission was not explained well and is easy to miss.
6) The Seventh Voyager crew act less like evil villains, and more like six year olds pretending to be tuff. DUR BRAIN.
7) They really thought the best time to attack was when they were crippled. The "they're no match for us" line really made everything Fifth Voyager did seem more like they were playing along, instead of fighting for survival. Honestly FV were patting 7V on the head as it cried about being bad, while saying "I know, I know, you're a bad boy."
8) The story happens because the plot demands it. 7 mentioned it and its probably the same point. Voyager didn't have to do anything after the battle with the Seventh allies. Seventh beam over Kiara and Alex, and wait it out with their shields broken. Voyager could've beamed them back, pushed the ship into their portal with the tractor beam and flip the bird as they fly away.
The episode's fluff and it probably thinks its the badass/clever first introduction to the season's villains that are in only 3 episodes. Doh. I may give an excuse for it; James/Jess were called the saboteurs even when their shields were down. The overload could've done more damage that stopped 7V from getting into the Fifth Dimension after being dragged back into the Seventh Dimension. *shrug* That's all the excusing the episode's getting.
9) Alex. Who the hell is Alex? Readers may assume that'll be explained in the later appropriate episodes. NOPELOL
10) The opening scene goes out of its way to tell you the differences between the Seventh crew and Fifth. You know bad haircuts, tattoos and bigger ears. Yet it means nothing except for a comment from Jessie. It could've caused more than a mild "hey your hair" problem for James and Jessie during their infiltration. You'd think people would see that James has not only bleached his hair blond but has lopped most of it off, or that Jessie doesn't have EXTREMLEY long magneta hair anymore. No one but evil Jessie blinks an eye.
Positives:
1) Fifth Voyager did what Voyager didn't... or rather it did a good thing that Voyager didn't. Promoted Harry.
2) The episode breaks a lot of FV's rules BUT it does remember that Seventh Voyager wanted Kiara more than the others, for a very good reason. It's too bad the reason was spoilt and lead to an epic rant today.
3) Jessie versus Tom wasn't perfect, but after the tension between them in the last few episodes it feels so right that he was who she faced off with. Yes James was there but all he did was one liners and chest/commbadge fondling. Jessie did everything else.
Marill's Rating: 3/10
Exclaimed Count: 6 (89)
Muttered Count: 35 (170)
The edits of 2003 really did a good job with the exclaimed abuse. Too bad they didn't know about the muttereds, or more likely replaced the exclaimeds with muttereds. Yikes.
Motto Count: 1 (8)
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 1 (3)