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Starships Cannot Run

Episode Synopsis
Voyager and the FVDA work together in a race to win an engine part that'll help them get home faster.

Originally Written
20th, 23rd & 24th July 2003

Edited/Re-written for Reboot
9th & 10th July 2013

Episode Based In
January 2372 (mid season 2)


The bridge:
"Danny!" Kathryn yelled.

Danny glanced back, "yeah I'll get it, be patient."

The ship jolted forward, everyone stared in Danny's direction.

"You stalled a spaceship," Harry muttered.

"Well at least I didn't think James was my fiancée in my sleep," Danny snapped.

Everyone glanced at Harry instead, he blushed crimson red. "Well he looks like a woman, well mostly sounds like one the way he moans all the time. Plus he's making up the story."

"Yeah sure," Danny said.

"Captain I recommend we find a better pilot, to train Miss Scott," Tuvok said.

"Oh dear god, it better not be..." Danny said.

Shuttle Bay:
"Instructor Tom Paris at your service," Tom said cheerfully.

Danny glared up at Tuvok, "can't you just fire me?"

"Don't complain, I'd rather do this than be in that security team any longer," Tom said. "I've been in Sickbay for two hours in total, just this week."

"Mr Paris, please begin your class I have to find and train a new pilot," Tuvok said.

"Yes sir," Tom said. Tuvok headed for the doors. "Let's take her for a spin, ey," he grinned.

The bridge:
"What's this do?" Claire asked.

"That is the increase speed command," Tuvok replied.

"Ah what's this for?" Claire asked.

"The engage button," Tuvok replied.

"What about this?" Claire asked.

"A coffee stain, wait that's not a button," Tuvok said.

Kathryn's eyes widened. She leaned forward with a mesmerised stare on her face. "Did someone say coffee?"

"No I said toffee Captain," Tuvok said. Kathryn moaned, as she sat back she pouted angrily.

"What's that?" Claire asked.

"A substance that humans eat, it usually makes some humans put on weight, and give them heart problems," Tuvok replied.

"No, the button," Claire muttered.

"The stop button," Tuvok replied.

"Ok, this?" Claire asked.

Jessie groaned nearby, "that'll be the button that kills the annoying pilot."

"There's a button for everything, well except for the eject all coffee into space one," Claire said.

"No it's there," Tuvok said. He pointed at one of the buttons. Claire pressed it.

"Hey!" Kathryn screamed, she ran into the turbolift.

"That button is a great new button, don't ya think?" Jessie said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Shuttle Bay:
"What do you mean by that?" Danny snapped.

"I mean wait until the doors have opened before setting off," Tom replied.

"Why didn't you just say so?" Danny said.

Tom groaned, "now you can go."

"Great," Danny said. She keyed in a command, the shuttle literally shot out of the bay. Despite the fact that each shuttle should have inertial dampers, Tom melted into the seat as a result.

"Maybe I should go back to security," he squeaked.

On the viewscreen the unfortunately doomed shuttle flew around in circles and then upside down.

"We really don't have anything better to do, do we?" Chakotay asked from the turbolift.

Kathryn looked over her shoulder whilst holding coffee coated popcorn in her hands. He shuddered at the deranged look on her face.

"Strangely I have that urge to set a course for the Alpha Quadrant. Which we er, why aren't we?" Chakotay stuttered. What he saw next was even more terrifying than Kathryn's current stare.

"So, this one's warp right?" Jessie asked no one in particular. She went to press it.

Chakotay's eyes widened, he charged forward to stop her. Only he flew himself at the barrier behind the command chairs, throwing him head and torso first onto the floor. "No," he squeaked.

Jessie changed her mind but not because of him. At the corner of her eye she saw the shuttle fly in their direction, so she pressed a few random buttons. The shuttle blurred overhead instead.

"Oooh, I didn't know we had the new whoossh shuttles. Whoosh!" Kathryn giggled. Her eyes got wider, and by that I mean her pupils enlarged.

"Wha... how, am I dead?" Chakotay groaned into the floor.

"Phew close one," Jessie said.

Tuvok's eyebrow had reached the ceiling by this point. "Not yet, Commander."

Jessie scowled but no one could see her do so. "If it wasn't for me that shuttle would be in our faces."

Chakotay rolled onto his side, his legs collapsed to the floor. He then was able to climb back up. "What did you do?"

"I..." Jessie's eyes shifted as she looked at the helm. "I haven't a clue, just button mashed."

"Oh dear," Chakotay groaned.

Shuttle Sacajawea:
They were a little too busy to notice, but on the viewport Voyager was sitting in the distance on its nose with its shuttlebay sticking upwards.

Tom had his hands over his ears, Danny was dancing as she was working at the console. She started waving her hair about, some of it landed in Tom's face.

"Can you turn that crap off!?" Tom yelled over the 'noise'.

Danny started singing along to the chorus, "it's your duty duty, to shake that booty booty." As she sang the second part, she stood up and continued dancing.

Tom's eyes widened, "you're flying the shuttle Dan... fly the shuttle."

Danny ignored him, and continued to dance. "Come on Tom, join in! It's your duty duty..."

Tom quickly sat in Danny's seat, "oh crap it's too late, collision course!"

Danny stopped, "what?"

The Sacajawea crashed right into another shuttle, it went flying towards a nebula. The Sacajawea stopped nearby a space station, where other shuttles were hanging around.

Danny sat down in Tom's chair looking nervous, "I swear, if I knew there were people around I would have..."

"It doesn't matter, you shouldn't have been dancing," Tom muttered.

Danny looked even more nervous, "it's a good song."

"We're being hailed by the shuttle we hit," Tom said. He worked at the station.

"Look Mr, you're seriously going to die for this. We have a dent in our shields now, you moron."

"Look I'm sorry, my pilot was distracted," Tom said.

"I don't give a toss. Mess with us again and I'll seriously set my buddy Jamock onto you."

"Um, that's nice. Sacajawea out," Tom stuttered.

"This is weird, the station is surrounded by shuttles from different species," Danny said.

"Maybe we should be nosey," Tom said.

"Yeah, that'll make me a better pilot," Danny muttered.

"Nothing in this quadrant will you make you a good pilot, never mind a better one," Tom said.

"Arsehole," Danny grumbled.

Voyager, one hour later:
The Conference Room:
"It's a race," Tom said. Everyone stared at him, some people yawned at him. "Where we can win an engine part which'll let us fly at warp nine non stop, for a few months."

B'Elanna sat up in her chair, "that could really help our journey."

"Interesting, but can we actually join this race?" Chakotay asked.

"Very easily. All races can join, well mostly," Tom replied.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, the guys we hit must be in this race," Danny said.

"So?" Tom said nervously.

"How do we enter?" Kathryn asked.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "we shouldn't Captain."

"Why not, we could use a little fun," Kathryn said.

"Actually Captain, just one more thing. Voyager is too large to take part, we have to use shuttles," Tom said.

"Not a problem, we can make all our shuttles take part. We'll have a bigger chance of winning," Chakotay said.

"Just a thought, there's no planets in the course is there?" Harry asked.

Tom turned pale, "oh crap, I dunno."

"Well, it looks like we have a challenge on our hands. Claire, get us back facing the right way and set a course for that space station," Kathryn ordered. Jessie pouted.

Claire pulled a face, "fine, but it'll take a while."

Jessie grumbled to herself, "we're in space, it doesn't matter which way we're facing."

A little while later:
The FVDA ship flew towards the space station, a piece of it fell off and floated away.

"Boss we shouldn't have picked a fight with the Kazon, what were you thinking?" Justin said.

"They annoyed me, their hair is weird," Damien muttered.

"Actually one was quite cute," Myleene cooed. Damien stared at her in disgust.

Justin grinned, "you mean the one with the brown tan, not the red?"

Myleene giggled, "oh yeah."

Damien stared blankly at the pair, "um ookay, get to shuttles people and quickly."

Justin and Myleene skipped towards the door arm in arm like best buddies. Johnny passed them carrying his 'son'. "Since when did they become friends?"

"Don't worry it won't last long, they fancy the same Kazon," Damien muttered in response.

Johnny Junior rolled his eyes, "oh yeah, the one they both flirted with. Wasn't a pretty sight."

"I know, a Kazon and Justin Freakface... really freaky," Damien said.

"No, I meant Myleene and the Kazon," Johnny Junior said.

Damien shrugged, "doesn't matter, that Kazon actually wanted Justin, god probably doesn't even know why."

"He was blind and deaf sir," Johnny said.

"Aah, then why didn't he like Myleene too then?" Damien asked.

"Because he's very stupid. Everyone knows Justin Timberlake is the most annoying out of the two," Johnny Junior replied.

"Of course. Will you just get to your shuttle? The race will be starting soon," Damien said.

"Aye aye sir," Johnny said. He dropped Johnny Junior on the ground, and ran off.

"I really hate that guy," Johnny Junior grumbled.

The ship shook, Damien fell over as a result. "What the hell was that?"

"It felt like the ship shook," Johnny Junior replied sarcastically.

Damien glared at him, he went over to the nearest station. "Hey, one of the shuttle's is firing at us."

"What the hell for?" Johnny Junior asked.

"Do you think I know everything!?" Damien yelled.

"No, of course not," Johnny Junior laughed in response.

Damien pouted, "I do know actually. That bit of the ship that fell off crashed into the shuttle that's attacking."

"Oh oops," Johnny Junior muttered.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Damien snapped.

"What?" Johnny Junior said.

"Voyager's coming, why am I not surprised?" Damien said.

"You sounded surprised to me," Johnny Junior grumbled, he left the room.

Voyager, the Bridge:
Kathryn, Chakotay, Tuvok, Harry and Jessie were in their usual spots, Claire was at the helm and Danny was back at her Science station.

"Captain, the FVDA ship is here," Claire said.

Kathryn sat up, she tried to look dramatic, "what are they up to this time?"

Chakotay covered his face, "great, we sound like cheesy good guys."

"They obviously just wanna race or something," Jessie said.

"Or picking a fight, those aliens we crashed into are attacking them and their shuttles," Danny said.

"Should we help them?" Harry asked.

"Nah, I don't like them," Kathryn replied.

"Captain, they're getting their asses kicked," Danny said.

"And?" Kathryn muttered.

"Maybe if we help them they'll be at little less annoying to us," Chakotay said.

Kathryn groaned, "fine. Send the aliens a warning shot."

"Aye Captain," Tuvok said.

"The ship's retreating and coming for us, well done," Claire said.

"Hail them," Kathryn ordered.

"Yes ma'am," Harry said.

The viewscreen activated, it showed two guys with cowboy like outfits on. The one closer to the screen was smoking. "What the hell do ya think ya doing, this is our fight," the smoking one snarled.

"Yes well this a race, not a battlefield... Mr?" Kathryn said.

"Chone, this is my mate Jamock," the smoking guy said.

The other one took off his hat, "ma'am. Woah, there's some nice ladies in there."

"Jamock, later," Chone grumbled.

"Cut them off," Kathryn ordered.

"Well the FVDA are hailing us now, this is going to be good," Harry said.

"Ok, put them on screen," Chakotay commanded.

Damien appeared on the screen looking nervous, "I didn't start that fight, Justin Timberlake did I tell ya."

Kathryn and Chakotay glanced at each other. "Uh huh, well we hate to sound nothing like cheesy good guys here," Chakotay said, he coughed. "But you owe us one."

Kathryn glared at him, "what, what?"

Damien pulled a face, "I do? What do I have to do? No, I'm not going out with Janeway."

"Hey!" Kathryn moaned.

Chakotay laughed, "no, we're not that cruel." Kathryn glared at him again. "You're joining this race, right?"

"Yeah, what's it to you?" Damien said.

"Our shuttles are going to lose when they go near planets. For one thing you can tell us what the course is like," Chakotay said.

Damien raised his eyebrow, "we're not supposed to know, and besides the station keeps an eye on all communications between ships." He stepped closer to the viewscreen, "why don't we meet on one of your ships." The viewscreen went off.

Harry looked like he saw Earth on his computer screen, "oh my god, they're lowering their shields."

Chakotay smiled smugly, "can't keep battering the bad guys, guys. If we do, we'll be just as hated as the twerps from Pokémon."

"From the look on Damien's face he's going to cheat, why else would he want to meet us here," Kathryn said.

"Look all we need to know is if there's any planets in the course, he obviously knows," Chakotay said.

Claire put her hand up, "question. You said he owes us one, is that all he's going to do for us?"

Chakotay smiled, "he's going to cheat alright, and we have to win this."

Kathryn put her hands on her hips, "we are not doing that Chakotay."

"No we're not going to cheat with him, we're going to team up with him to make sure he doesn't. We'll win fairly," Chakotay said.

"Except that we will know if there's planet or not on the course," Claire muttered.

"Captain, I must object to this plan," Tuvok said.

"Me too Tuvok, but we need to win this. Damien will cheat, and we at least need to know how," Kathryn said.

Chakotay turned to Harry, "contact transporter room. Tell them to beam our guest aboard."

Harry nodded, "yes sir."

Conference Room:
Damien was in a laughing fit, while everyone else just watched him in bemusement. "You want to work with us, this is bizarre," he managed to say.

Kathryn smiled sweetly, "Damien, you are the kind who cheats in these competitions, am I right?"

Damien laughed again, "you goodie two shoes want to cheat with me, that's a good one."

"The only cheating we'll be doing is checking the course for planets," Chakotay said.

"You're not supposed to see the course until it starts, you can't be prepared for the obstacles," Damien said.

"So there must be planets," Tom said.

Damien pulled out a PADD, he handed it to Tom. "There you go, the whole course. I still don't get this whole teaming up thing though, I've paid you back."

"Not by a long shot. If you're cheating away, we won't be able to win. We have to win," Chakotay said.

"That's not my problem," Damien said.

"Tell me though, can any of your stupid celebrities fly shuttles?" Tom asked.

Damien pulled a face, "no, they're useless. The only thing they're good for is annoying people."

"Then let us team up, ok. No cheating, not including the course thing, and we'll share our shuttles and mix our teams together. What do you say?" Chakotay said.

"Fine, but if we win I have to get a share of the prize. That's impossible to do," Damien said.

"Not really, I could probably duplicate the part once we've got it," B'Elanna said.

"That's a thought, why do you want this engine part?" Harry asked.

"That fight with the Kazon screwed ours up, we can only go at warp for so long before it gives up," Damien replied.

"Ok maybe it'll be easier to fix your engine. Remember we are doing you another favour by letting you borrow better pilots," Kathryn said.

Damien groaned, "fine."

A little while later:
Captains Log Stardate 49345.2: Ok I'm just guessing there. Anyway, six shuttles, three belonging to us, have been entered in the race. They are all at the starting line, so now I can just sit back and have a coffee. You know this is a disaster, I haven't had a coffee in ten minutes, yeesh!

Most of the crew had seemed to gather in the Mess Hall to watch the race from the window. A lot of them had failed to notice the giant screen that had been brought in, but intentionally failed to spot the buffet table.

The intercom activated the across entire ship, "welcome everybody to the race!" Neelix's voice screeched over it. While he was talking a clip of the shuttles leaving Voyager's shuttle bay displayed on the screen.

"Now let's introduce our heroes, the Voyager and FVDA alliance! In Shuttle 1 we have Danny Scott and Tom Paris..."

Some people luckily noticed the big screen when it showed posed shots of the pilots side by side. Danny's picture was bent over towards the camera, luckily face side forward, blowing a kiss at the camera. Tom had decided to do his own sexy shot, with his arm raised up, then folded behind his neck. It looked terrible even without his bad seductive stare.

"In Shuttle 2 we have Johnny Shentall and Mr Vulcan."

"That is not my name," Tuvok muttered.

"In Shuttle 3 we have Lisa Lillis and Ian Richards. In Shuttle 4 there's B'Elanna Torres and Damien." Of course Damien's posing shot was him stroking a rabbit and smiling evilly, B'Elanna's seemed to be just her looking at the camera looking mad and about to grab it.

"I don't think she was too happy with that choice, folks. In Shuttle 5 we have Myleene Klass and Craig Pansy Anderson."

"Hey, no fair," Craig moaned. He was instead complaining about his picture where he must have blinked at the wrong time.

"And last but certainly least, Shuttle 6 we have new recruit Rihanna and Justin Timberlake. Um, this is a race, not a space battle... what's going on?"

Everyone in the Mess Hall got a good view as all but one of the shuttles took off. Shuttle 6 stalled with smoke coming off it. Shuttle 4 flew back and fired on Shuttle 6 before flying away again.

"Damn it! Why did that happen. Was it something I said?" Justin asked.

"God, your voice is the most annoying sound I've ever heard," a nasally voice groaned. The woman it came from turned to shoot him with a phaser, then turned back to the helm.

"Freedom and undeserved fame here I come!" She smiled, then laughed in the most horrific way imaginable it didn't even sound like a laugh. "Heh eh eh eh eh!" At this point even I'm feeling sorry for Justin Timberlake.

"And they're off!" Neelix continued. "Well they were off a few seconds ago, I was paying attention honest, I wasn't watching shuttle 6. Apparently I hear it was on the line that leads to the booby trap. We have to get that shuttle going, just to see what other hilarious things can be done to it Stay tuned, folks."

Five or so minutes later:
Everyone in the Mess Hall had finally gathered around the TV screen in the corner. Most were cheering along, the others were just blind drunk, and fighting with someone else. Yes already.

Neelix tried to pull some crewmembers apart. "Hey, no fighting in the Mess Hall. Do it outside."

Everyone stopped fighting, they all went outside.

Neelix sighed, he went over to the kitchen and picked up a tray. He went over to Kathryn, "Captain, I sorted out all the fighting. Now can I serve my new Leola Root cupcakes?"

"Um, I'm not the Captain," Kathryn stuttered. She rushed over to the replicator.

Only thirty seconds later:
Everyone in the room were fighting, the TV screen was now a pile of ash on fire in the corner.

Kathryn turned away from the replicator hyper as usual. She tapped her commbadge, "um, can we have security in the Mess Hall? Oh and some real coffee."

Shuttle 6:
"Ok, we're now under way. Let's catch up with everyone and win this race," Rihanna said.

Justin woke up, he glanced at her, "everyone else are on Lap 2."

"So, we can just pretend we're on Lap 2 as well... wait, why are you awake?" Rihanna muttered.

"That wasn't my first phasering and it won't be my last," Justin said in a flirty voice.

Even Rihanna looked disgusted, "oh... my... gawd! I'm going to have to drown you out, cos that's awful!" With that she turned on a side computer, a horrible noise started playing from it. To make matters worse she started to sing along with it too.

Justin's eyes widened in horror, he lunged for the back of the shuttle, covering his ears.

"Come here rude, rude boy, come get it up," she screeched, though that word is probably not strong enough to describe it. Her hand went to her mostly exposed chest, "god, I'm such a genius with lyrics, I'm like the next Madonna."

Justin began clawing at the back door quite viciously as she decided to "sing" new lyrics alongside the playing "song".

"I'm so releasing that one tomorrow, though I do have that other song out then. Oh who cares, everyone loves me, two songs tomorrow it is. Oooh, I wonder which will be number one," she cackled evilly. "Oh right, both of them... cos I'm that special and talented."

Justin spotted the emergency airlock button, of course that was only built into his shuttle. He pressed it, the door opened to suck him out. Rhianna had stayed in her own seat, as her top was actually just the seat belt she was wearing. Yeah, there's an image for you.

Moments later a relieved looking Justin appeared back in his seat. His face whitened in horror, "oh come on!"

Meanwhile, Shuttle 1:
"Tom, you fly like an old lady. Let me fly," Danny moaned.

"Well you fly like a woman full stop," Tom snapped.

Danny glared in his direction. She looked around and spotted something at the back of the shuttle. After going over there, she picked up a convenient baseball bat, don't ask, and then hit Tom over the head with it. "Yey, now I'm flying." She jumped into the pilots seat.

Shuttle 2:
"Hey this is weird, Shuttle 1 has just went backwards," Johnny said.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow, "according to the scanners there is only one lifesign on it."

"Is that the shuttle with Justin or the new girl on?" Johnny asked.

"No, and it's coming back," Tuvok said. "This is even stranger, Shuttle 3 has just stopped."

"Which one's that?" Johnny asked.

"I will contact them," Tuvok said. He fiddled with another part of the station.

Meanwhile on Shuttle 3:
"See I told you this was a good idea, this way no one will catch us," Lisa giggled.

"Yeah, come here," Ian said.

Um, we'll come back later.

Shuttle 2:
"No response," Tuvok said.

"Isn't that one of yours? Who's on it?" Johnny questioned.

"Indeed," Tuvok said. It then hit him, "I know who, it doesn't matter. I'll continue."

Johnny's eyes widened as he noticed his console alerting him. He covered it with his arm, then pointed in the opposite direction. "Hey, look over there."

"That would be illogical," Tuvok said.

Johnny started to panic, "exactly, it looks very logical over there. It's so logical it shouldn't even be in a Fifth Voyager episode. Look."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "I doubt that."

"Okay fine, it's just so illogical on this side of the shuttle it would knock your eyebrows off. I thought we were friends, so I wanted to spare you," Johnny badly improvised. By this point his brain overloaded from overuse.

Tuvok called his bluff and looked to the right. He caught one of the shuttles flying not far from them disappear like it was cloaking.

Shuttle 4:
Damien lay on the shuttle floor nursing a rather large bump on his forehead. B'Elanna meanwhile had a big smile on her face while she sat at her station.

"Bad try, Damien."

Damien responded with a loud groan.

Voyager, the Bridge:
Kathryn stumbled onto the bridge looking drunk, as usual. "Well?"

"It's not looking good. Shuttle 6 is a lap behind, Shuttle 1 is flying like Danny's at the helm, Shuttle 3 has stopped," Chakotay said. "Damien's shuttle cloaked for two seconds."

"Are we winning or not?" Kathryn asked.

"No, and there's only one lap left," Chakotay replied.

"Boy that was quick," Harry said.

"That's enough out of you," Chakotay muttered.

Shuttle 6:
"They're in the final lap, and we're in our second, what are we going to do?" Justin asked, all panicky.

"Would you stop coming back to life, god!" Rihanna yelled. She shot Justin again, then looked around. She picked up a nearby baseball bat. I don't know how they keep finding these, so don't bother asking. "Next time you moron." She smiled evilly. "Now to win this race like I release my albums."

Shuttle 5:
"Oh my god," Craig stuttered.

Myleene stood up, she stood behind him and started to stroke his hair. "What is it cutey?"

Craig's eyes widened, "oh crap, I'm gonna die."

"Not when you're with me sweety," Myleene cooed.

"Uh, Shuttle 6 has gone to warp and I need to wash my hair," Craig stuttered.

"It seems fine to me," Myleene said.

Craig pressed a button on the other side of the console, he leaned in close to it, "somebody help me."

Shuttle 4:
"We're receiving a distress call from Shuttle 5. Why am I not surprised, it's Myleene's," Damien said.

B'Elanna looked over at the bumpy headed villain wannabe, her patience almost run out. She turned back to her console, she started cursing quietly.

"Why does she think I care? Oh screw it, it could be fun to hear something awful," Damien said. He keyed in some commands. He and B'Elanna overheard Craig's message. "I knew it, Myleene's found another toyboy."

B'Elanna pulled a disgusted face, "but he's only a kid."

"Yeah, she is a desperate hussy," Damien said.

B'Elanna's station beeped madly. "Hey that's not right." Damien rolled his eyes, he moved his chair closer to her. "Shuttle 6 is at warp, warp's not allowed in this race right?"

"No, damn it! I aimed for the warp core," Damien groaned.

"Why do you care? You just tried to cloak so you could skip to the finish line," B'Elanna said.

"Weren't you paying attention to the furball at the beginning?" Damien groaned.

"Nobody does," B'Elanna sighed.

"Ugh... Justin Poophead and this brat I recruited recently. I put them together for laughs," Damien said.

"Why, is he or she homicidal?" B'Elanna frowned.

Damien put on his proud face, "I finally found a match for Justin's annoying-ness, she's my finest work."

"As usual, you're making no sense. The only people your celebrities seem to annoy is you," B'Elanna groaned. "Besides, wouldn't Justin be immune to something more awful than him, he'd think it's good."

"She hasn't brainwashed him, you do have to have one for that to work," Damien rolled his eyes like it was so obvious. B'Elanna thought about hitting him a lot harder.

"If these two are your biggest annoying weapons, why stick them together to annoy each other?" she decided to ask instead.

Damien's face fell. "For laughs, obviously. Weren't you listening?" B'Elanna wasn't buying it. "Recruiting her was a mistake. She's far more evil than... no, just a little less evil than me. Also she cheats by making people think that she's talented and amazing."

"Cheats, that explains the warp, but who'd think that was a talented move?" B'Elanna wondered.

"The brainwashing, jeez! You never listen to me, do you?" Damien snapped.

B'Elanna shook her head, "I tune in and out. So she cheats, convinces people her talent got her where she is, and then what?"

Damien's face whitened, he shuddered violently. "She dominates. Before you know it, she'll be everywhere you look. Beloved, flawless, and she won't stop. Only a few will be able to resist and see her true face and hear her true voice, but how would a few people be able to stop her tyranny?"

"Fine, she's everything you want to be. I see why that would threaten you," B'Elanna muttered. "You do realise at warp she'll have passed the finish line ten times while you explained that."

Damien smiled evilly, "ah, I know what to do, just leave it to me."

Shuttle 6:
"Ha, we're going to win now," Rihanna cackled. "Not that I ever lose, but... That's the pressure of being so perfect I suppose."

Justin tried his best not to gag. "Perfect, sure. You'd think you would have passed the end line by now, we're at warp for crying out loud."

"Well it's hard to fly a course like this at warp, you moron. Oh for crying out loud!" Rihanna complained.

"I was just saying," Justin said meekly.

Rihanna scowled at him. "Don't answer back to me. I'm so misunderstood, you're just jealous."

Justin's console started beeping in a strange way, like it was playing a tune. Justin grinned, he started "singing".

Rihanna covered her ears as she tasted a piece of her own medicine. "What are you doing... nooo, stop!" She tried to reach for the baseball bat again but she couldn't unblock her ears for any amount of time.

"Cry me a river, oh cry me a river," Justin squealed.

"Aaarrgh, stop it!" Rihanna screamed. She decided to counter this, or she just thought to block out his noise with her own.

They both failed to notice the poor window was starting to crack under the strain.

Shuttle 4:
"It's working, they've dropped out of warp and their hull is buckling from the noise. Oh crap," Damien said.

"What?" B'Elanna groaned.

"Shuttle 3 is in the way, why couldn't they stop their shuttle out of the way of the course?" Damien said.

Shuttle 3:
"That beeping is really annoying me," Lisa moaned.

Ian pulled away from her, "I'll check it out." He stood up, and headed over to the console. "Son of a... Lisa, how do you move this thing?"

Lisa stared blankly, "you're asking me?"

"It was nice knowing you," Ian stuttered.

Voyager, the bridge:
"Shuttle 6 and 3 have just crashed," Harry said.

"On screen," Chakotay commanded.

"Aye sir," Harry said.

Everyone cringed as they glanced at the viewscreen. "That's not pretty. Is Justin immortal or something?" Chakotay said.

"Why is he dancing while floating in space?" Harry asked, looking rather scared.

"Who cares, as long as we can't hear him," Chakotay replied.

"Um he's not dancing, he's in a lot of pain I think," an unknown crewmember pointed out.

"Meh, same thing," Chakotay muttered.

"No it's not, when Justin dances other people are in a lot of pain, not him. Everyone knows that," Harry said.

Chakotay glared, "that's it Harry, toilet cleaning duty for you later."

"Damn it," Harry moaned.

"Oooh look, Shuttle 4 and another shuttle is nearing the finish line," Kathryn giggled.

"Look? Look at what... hey, you have a mini TV," Chakotay said angrily.

Kathryn hid the mini TV behind her back, "no I don't."

Chakotay rolled his eyes, "unknown crewmember 2, put the finish line on screen."

"I have a name you know, it's Harold Ja..." the unknown crewmember said.

"I don't care, on screen please," Chakotay snapped.

Harold pulled a face at him, he worked at the opps station. The finish line came on the viewscreen. Two shuttles were heading towards it.

"We're going to win, how predictable," Chakotay said.

"Wait, is that other shuttle our old friends, you know," Kathryn said.

"Yes, this is going to be interesting. Yeah right, this is the wrong show," Chakotay muttered.

Shuttle 4:
"Oh great, it's the cowboy dudes. Full power to engines," Damien ordered.

"I'm the pilot, you're the lackey remember," B'Elanna growled.

"As if, the pilot is always the lackey," Damien countered with a grin.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes, "not in a shuttle. Besides, you're the one who's supposed to do the power to engines part."

"Hmph, you're obviously too stupid to do it, so I'll have to. Oh the burden of my brain," Damien sneered. B'Elanna raised her fist to hit him again.

One of the aliens butted in on the comm. "Hey, you're not going to win this race. We have a secret weapon."

"This'll be interesting," Damien said.

"Oh it will be," B'Elanna growled.

The alien shuttle:
"Do it Jamock," Chone ordered.

"Hey I'm the boss man," Jamock snapped.

"Shut up man, do it," Chone said angrily.

"No, I'm sick of taking your orders. I'm the boss around here," Jamock said.

"You fool, they'll cross the finish line if you don't do it now," Chone said.

"Don't care, I quit, no I have something even better. I'm going to kick your sorry cowboy arse," Jamock said.

"Oh yeah, that'll win the race," Chone muttered.

Shuttle 4:
"Gee this is taking longer than I thought, why does this bit always go in slow motion?" B'Elanna asked.

"Oh it's not, crap I pressed the slow down instead of power up button. Sorry about that," Damien replied.

"Right, I was the stupid one," B'Elanna sighed.

Voyager, the bridge:
"They did it, they... we won. What do we win, coffee?" Kathryn asked excitedly.

"Shut up you stupid coffee whore," Chakotay groaned.

"Oh my..." Kathryn gasped, she fainted.

"I have been waiting two weeks to say that to her again," Chakotay said.

"Two?" everyone said.

"Ok one," Chakotay muttered. "I even replicated her a cup." He pointed at the black mug sitting on the floor, with the words coffee whore written on it.

Harry cringed, "I hate to be the one that breaks it to you but, she likes that cup."

Chakotay face palmed, shaking his head. "Then why did she faint?"

Neelix popped his head through the turbolift doors, his cheeks were bright red. "Um, can somebody tell me who stole my leola-coffee roasted popcorn? I doubt it was the Captain as she hates my coffee blend."

Everyone looked towards the Captain, then at the captains seat which the empty popcorn bucket sat on.

"Oh, that explains a... little," Chakotay sighed.

The Mess Hall:
Everyone in the room, well that was conscious obviously, were still fighting away. Security team 1 were hanging around nearby, watching of course.

"Should we stop them now?" Foster asked.

"Nah, I'm having an episode off, haven't you noticed?" James replied.

"Yeah, wasn't that your only line. Way cool," Thompson said.

"What was that supposed to mean?" James asked.

"Uh, it was a cool line," Thompson stuttered.

Foster groaned, "here we go again."

Meanwhile on Damien's ship:
Two figures rushed towards a door labelled "Discuss Evil in the Dark Room - 4", they disappeared through it into the darkness.

"That's better," the "male" voice, ok that's even pushing it, the squeaky voice said.

"I know, can't have anybody seeing who we are," the nasally female voice said.

"I know, it'll ruin everything. Now your great and deliciousness, how shall we proceed?"

The nasal voice cackled, "oh just sign here, and we'll get started right away."

"Um, sign where. It's dark in here!" the squeaky voice stuttered.

There was silence for quite a while.

"We should have picked the Bad Camera Angle room for this discussion," the nasally voice sighed.

"Perhaps we can sign whatever in that room later. I badly need to know one little detail," the squeaky voice said.

"I was thinking we would do a song about doing it, or the club," the nasally voice said. "Or both? I'm such a genius. We may need a lot of slutty extra's for the video, but not too slutty, I don't want the attention off me."

The squeaky voice laughed quietly. "That sounds perfect, but that's not what I needed to know. Will it be Rihanna featuring Justin Timberlake, or Justin..."

"Shhh, you've completely ruined the whole point of the Dark Room!" the nasally voice snapped.

More silence followed.

The squeaky voice finally broke it after ten minutes. "So um, which will it be?"

"Oh, you know the answer to that. You know, I was skeptical about your voice at first, but after hearing us together I've grown to need it in my life. You and me, we'll create a masterpiece. I'm sure it'll be number one for years."

"I feel the same way about your voice. I can't believe I even hated it, your voice... sounds like it belongs to an angel," the squeaky voice said.

The nasally voice chuckled again. "That's because it does. Now, I have the perfect way to distribute it. Of course I had to call in my allies from the FWDA to help, but they were more than happy."

"Don't you mean FVDA?"

"Of course not! I mean the good people at Free Will Destruction Association. They're thinking of changing it as Damien's band of has-been's use a similar one. Perhaps... Assuming Popular equals Perfection, Litigate Everyone."

"Apeple?" the squeaky voice stuttered. Even though it was dark it was clear he smiled evilly. "Perfect!"

"The first E is silent," the nasally voice sneered. The pair laughed fiendishly for a while. "Now, let me introduce the device our great music will be distributed on; The Incredible Torturous Unanimous Never Ever Surrenders device. It will make objects obsolete. From now on, we go completely digital. Our music will spread to every piece of technology that it connects to, and as it'll never be on a physical object it will never be destroyed. We will be famous, and we will be loved."

"Wow you can tell they like their thesaurus. But it's about time," the squeaky voice cracked, he sniffed as tears had obviously started to fall. "They will pay for hating me. I'm coming back to music with a bang!"

"No my partner, a club-beat. Mwahahaha heh eh eh eh eh eh!" the nasally voice laughed.


****THE END****

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