Marill Re-Reads "An Apple A Day"

I honestly don't know how this one's gonna do. A year or so ago I skimmed it while preparing for Reboot Bittersweet, and one particular scene stuck out worse than a sore thumb. I went back later after huffing about it, and once the extreme edge and OOCness middle is over, it didn't seem that bad. Spoiler alert, this particular scene's already got at least two negative marks. If you don't know what I mean, you'll soon see. If you do, well, I'd hope you'd agree with me, it's terrible.

Anyway. An Apple A Day is yet another episode with a song title name, and this one's one of the few that got their title first, then an episode was plotted around it. Top of my head others like this are; Turn Back Time (oh s***, what do I do with this, oh yeah this song was on a movie soundtrack, copy that s$$$), upcoming complainfest Lea Halalela (ho boy), Sweet Sensation from the prequels, and yes Upendi counts as the trendsetter... and better example out of the ones I listed.

There's not much else to say other than 16 year old me was very ignorant of many things, no matter how popular they are. I have so many embarrassing moments that only a sheltered idiot living a cave would do, but this episode will do the trick nicely.


The Doctor sighed as he sat at his desk. He rested his chin on his hand, while he had his elbow on the desk.

"I can't stand my surname, I don't see why Duncan should be cursed with it," Jessie said.

"We can't just have his surname Stuart though, he'd only have that if we were married," James said.

"It doesn't matter," Jessie said.

Would he? Would he really? Why does the dude get the surname chosen by default anyway, who birthed the kid?

B'Elanna....... oh erm, carry on

"My real parents surname? You've gotta be joking," Jessie said in disbelief. The Doctor rolled his eyes.

I'm with you Doc. Bored already

"You've seen my real mother, she's a posh fat cow. I kept Rex as my surname because I was trying to make myself believe that I wasn't related to someone like that," Jessie replied.

"I can understand that. I changed my surname to Stuart cos my mum still used Taylor as well," James said.

Is ... this really bad foreshadowing, or really bad recapping? Either way it's not important for this episode, or at all. skip?

"I don't, if we're not married then the kid should have both of our surnames," James said.

Oh ok, I see where you're coming from. Still Jessie does not want, and you shouldn't be surprised. still bored

"Well, if you decide on just Stuart, at least I won't have to update the file when you get married," the Doctor said. Jessie and James glared at him. He looked down at his computer quickly. "I meant, if you get married. Yeah that'll do," he said quietly.

"I suppose he does have a point," James said.

"Are you finally coming to your senses?" Jessie said.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing," James muttered, and he looked away quickly. Jessie eyed him suspiciously.

"We've only been going out for four months, for god's sake," Jessie said in disbelief.

Yes this happens

I'm still with Jessie on this one, sheesh. Out of character moment for both of them to be fair. not enough for sin adjustments

"What about a middle name?" Jessie asked.

The Doctor groaned. 

Poor doc, maybe the episode's premise is he gives everyone an apple so he gets a day off to sing opera. Or whatever s$$$ he likes to do that bores me. Meh. I'll take it. still better than Why oh Why so.

Anyway Jessie/Marill decides that Duncan's middle name is James, not because Marill is a Blue fan (lol... bitter for no obvious reason) but because she sucks at naming male characters. Hellooo Stevaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Though I'm getting a bit concerned James has little to no say on his kid's name here. (I know but) Nobody knows who named Duncan, he wanted him to share surnames so people know he's also Jessie's (as if anyone would think anyone else), and now a middle name he probably hates. Maybe a sin needs adding, Duncan didn't need a middle name.

"Fine, whatever. But we can have Jessie, no offense but it is a boy's name too," James said.


James not only survives this, Jessie does not react. Told you, OOC alert

Jessie Sins: +1

"All right, but I bet Tom is going to get a kick out of it," James said.

"Do you mean that literally?" Jessie asked.

"Well even if he bugs us about it, no. I'd rather punch him than kick him," James replied.

Duncan walked in the office holding a tricorder. "Why," he said.

Aaaaaw and slight snigger at same-ish time.

The Ready Room, two hours later:

The stories say James and Jessie are still in Sickbay arguing over Duncan's name

"I know. But I'm sure they have trained that kid since the last episode. I found him in one of my holodeck programs. I'm pretty sure Pokémon weren't part of that program," Tom said.

If it were a Season One program then I'd call foul on that Tom. Every program has a legal requirement to have Pokémon in. Did you even pay attention to Holo Q? DIDNT THINK SO

Tom's rebutted and walks out. I'm sure there was a point to thi...snigger.

"Yes. I heard that you tried to sabotage your mother band's performance last night. I want to know why," Kathryn said.

Kiara thought, "crap, I'm in trouble. Hey, I've got an idea."

Ohno, I have vague memories of hating this idea. B4 I torture myself (again), Janeway "so what?" Unless Kiara beamed in and did the kill Jessie trick again, I don't think the sabotage is worthy of a see the Captain/grandma telling off.

Kathryn started yelling at her in lecture form.

um, ????

"I need some coffee," James said suddenly.

"But you don't like coffee," Jessie said.

"I need some coffee," James said again. He stood up and he headed towards the door, as Lena came up to the table from the other direction.



"James has turned into Janeway," Jessie replied.

I now ship Jessie/Janeway. Make it known.

"The universe must be saved. Excuse me," Lena said, and she followed James out of the room.

Quick, someone plaster Lena (Version 2) onto this pic, stat.

"Now that's suicide. How did this urge for coffee come up?" Lena asked.

"It just happened like a click of a finger," James replied.


I'm still not getting how this gets Kiara out of being yell lectured.

The Ready Room:
The door chimed. Kathryn caught her breath before calling the person in. It was Lena.


"James is on his way here because he wants coffee. Sound familiar?" Lena asked. Kiara looked nervous.

"He's not getting my coffee," Kathryn muttered.

lol, still don't get it

"He doesn't like the stuff. Kiara must of used her powers to lure him here so he'd get into trouble for stealing your coffee," Lena said.

But she's right there. I know James is the king of stealth, but stealing coffee right under Janeway's nose is pushing it a LOT

"Oh, and on your way out, put him back to normal," Lena said.

"Why, it's probably an improvement," Kiara muttered as she walked past Lena.

After YWF you get many passes, young lady. Though to be fair to her, James' not liking coffee but binging it anyway is kinda funny, to me. I'm assuming it wasn't thought of yet.

"Why on earth do we have to work in the same place as Mick?" Ashley asked.


From now on, these two will be forever known as Stevaaaaaaaaay (a's are give or take) and Ash Ketchum, until they're finally bumped off and/or forgotten about because of Why oh Why's behind the scenes drama. Please.please

(what am I thinking, at least 1 is still in S3)

"What's up with you?" Ash Ketchum asked.

"Nought," Stevaaaaaaaaay replied.

"Doesn't seem like nought," Ash Ketchum said.

10/10 MUCH IMPROVEMENT, MUCH WOW. Now I can laugh instead of groan/angst/ramble. Fortunately thanks to this edit I know that's it for them in this episode. While yeah that's good, it's bad that this scene is here at all. Has anything happened yet?

The Mess Hall:
Kathryn walked through the main doors. She immediately crashed into a group of people. Everyone in the room was crowding around something. Kathryn groaned.

She thought. "Not another fight... ooh coffee."

Finally, a thought line since Tom's "oooh Jessie's yelling at me just like B'Elanna does, how hawt" that's good. I'll take it.

She drank some of her coffee as she tried to get through the crowd. Most people smelled the air, and ran off.

Kathryn then saw what all the commotion was about.

Forget Jessie, Janeway's permanently shipped with Coffee. Janeway/Coffee is the best pairing, it's so sweet. I'm gonna name it Janee or Coffway.

I'm sure I'll come up with names for other ships someday that aren't based on band names. J-Steps indeed. At least Lena/Craig's is in forbidden territory now.

Place your non existant votes:
Jamsie, Jessmes
Lenaig, Crana
Torry, Harom(lol)
Toranna, BElom
Jamom, Tomes
Jessom, Tossie
Janetay, Chakoway

Ok scene is ruined with another Lena child abuses Kiara bit, sooo without further ado

Lena slapped her in the face. Her face went bright red by the blow.

Lena (Child)Abuses Her Power: 1

Kathryn stormed over to the two girls. She put her hands on her hips, after putting her coffee on a table.

Important detail, I'll allow it.

"Lena, how could you hit your own daughter like that!" Kathryn yelled.

"It's easy. I lift my hand up, and I slap her," Lena said.

Lena (Child)Abuses Her Power: 11

Hi Lena, go f$$$ yourself.

"She's just a heartless cow," Kiara muttered.


"I said, that is enough!" Kathryn yelled.

Lena shrugged her shoulders. She punched Kiara in the arm, as she walked away. She walked straight past Kathryn on the way out.

Lena (Child)Abuses Her Power: 21

So to sum up, in a few lines Lena's earned 1 for slapping her 4 year old daughter, 10 for making a joke out of it, and another 10 for another hit that uses the word punched to describe it. Reminder, Lena's super strong. This is so much worse than a run of a mill mum doing this to a teen kid. It's a super strengthened girl punching her 4 year old daughter.

Peter Taylor would like Lena very much. They'd be best buds, if she were male. Thankfully she's too young for him *gag*. I'm sorry, but no matter what Lena's gone or will go through, this isn't justifiable. Stopit.

"I'm getting really sick of all this fighting. Why were you two arguing?" Kathryn asked.

S3 spoilers: I'm starting to see how Peter got away with it. And got custody. And you all thought it made no sense, probably

Despite not doing anything but claim Annika would be a better mum than Lena (heck, I would lol), Kiara acts like she's 50/50 on this totally normal and definitely not harmless sibling "arguing" and runs off as if she's gonna get in trouble for getting slapped and punched. Gotta love FV.

J/C are the worst (grand)parents ever: 1

Meanwhile An Apple A Day remembers the previous episode and the one after are Christmas based episodes, but still doesn't recall its name. Slow progress.

"Oh, sorry, you must have been boring me," Chakotay said.

Neelix sighed. "I was talking about tomorrow's Christmas party," he said.

Snap son

"Well as long as Lena doesn't perform on the stage like she did in the last party," Chakotay said.

Well as long as Lena doesn't abuse her daughter and Sue around, James doesn't sarcasm and off screen someone, or Janeway drinks coffee, all will be well. No problem

"Because I've seen my actress performing with the hairstyle I want, it looks cool," Lena replied.

"Well at least it's more sensible than your last hairstyle," the Doctor said.

"Sensible? Yeah right. What I'm planning on doing, is putting temporary dye and stuff in my hair. When it fades away I'll dye it a different colour," Lena said.

there aren't enough facepalm memes in existence

"Fine. But I want a favour off you," the Doctor said.

Oh here it goes. Prepare for Naivety Class from the expert.

"That's quite an appropriate response there, Lena. I've decided on a first name, but I don't know what to have for my surname," the Doctor said.

"What is your first name?" Lena asked.

"Ryan," the Doctor replied.

Lena sniggers for some reason *shrug* I dunno.

The Doctor muttered to himself, "what's so funny? Ryan's a proper name, unlike Lena."

"I heard that. Lena is a proper name. My actress is called that, and she's Norweigian," Lena said.

1) I think the name being normal is what's funny about it


3) Lena is a real name, as I found out in later years.

4) Lena really needs to join a fanclub and shut the f$$$ up about her fake (ex)actress

Lena smiled evilly, Ryan didn't notice. "What about Jones?" Lena asked.

"Doctor Ryan Jones, that's perfect," Ryan said.

Now most people would immediately think, lol Indiana Jones, Dr Jones, laugh/groan and move onto the next scene. These people are going to be so wtf later. Shouldn't be surprised though. Marill lived in a cave with all the other fat mice most of her life. Why do you think she only got internet access once a week.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Triah asked.

"I'm thinking of stealing those lights to put in my ship," Lilly replied.

So that's a yes.

"I was thinking that we could put some flashy lights on the outside of the ship. Some alien ships might get scared and back away, so at least we'll have a peaceful Christmas. Also the ship will look nice," Triah replied.

Triah doesn't get the respect she deserves

"Hey, James, I got the most perfect idea," she(Lena) said as she turned back around.

"Ohno, what is it this time?" James asked.

James saying what we're all thinking

"We could put Christmas lights all around the outside of the ship. That would certainly annoy my mum," Lena replied.

If I didn't know any better, and/or know how random this series can be, then I'd think Lena was acting out all the time to get her mum's attention back from Kiara, and/or to pretend she's not a teen mum at all. Really feels like she's trying too hard.

"Oh no I'm not, I've been in trouble before but this would get me executed," James said.

What's the problem, you're immortal. Oh I see, you've got an appointment you can't miss, I get it.

"Lena, your mum is a miserable old cow, she doesn't like anything," James said.

"Er..." Lena muttered and she pointed behind James. He slowly turned around to see Kathryn standing behind him, with her hands on her hips.

Oh yes there it is, we haven't seen it in a while. Lena's the one who should be in the trouble she's looking for, so James has to do/say something that'll divert everything away from her so she remains the good one.

"He'd better of said that, or he's dead. Isn't that right, Ensign," Kathryn said harshly.

Aaaw but Janeway, if I'm dead I'll miss the Off Screen final at 3pm.

"I think we will. How will she know who it was," Lena said. She stood up and she headed towards the door that had the mistletoe above it, without noticing. James didn't notice either, so he followed.

"Hang on Lena," James said. They both stopped at the door.


Marill's Playing With Her Dolls Again: 1

"Have you done something to your hair?" James asked.


"No, the mistletoe can kiss my a*s," Lena said.

"Lena and James are underneath the mistletoe, kissy wissy," Tom laughed as he walked in to the room, through the other door.

"F**k off, Tom," James said. Tom pretended to be offended.

Ah, a suitable response

"I'm not going through this again, I'm getting away from this mistletoe," Lena said and she left the room.

"Again?" Kathryn said questioningly, and she stared angrily at James.

Oh ffs

Doubley so, James instantly gets the only blame.

"S**t," James muttered, and he quickly left the room. Kathryn followed him as quickly as possible. Everyone just laughed.

James caught up with Lena, as Kathryn started to catch up with them.

"Red alert," James said quietly. Lena looked behind them.

For you maybe, Lena's untouchable

and yeah yeah I know, Janeway's her mum and will treat her as a perfect angel who must be protected from older lechers of men. most would overreact and blame him for it. So fine, fine.

"Well she must of had this urge to kiss Harry, and it was transmitted to me," Lena said.

"I think I remember the Doctor mentioning something about that," Kathryn muttered.


"Is it? Why James? What happened exactly?" Kathryn asked.

"The second question was directed at him," Kathryn said.

"I don't know what you mean," James said.

"You know what I mean. Did you even try to stop her, did you kiss her back?" Kathryn asked.

lol Janeway's wigging the hell out. and now you know why

"If you did stop her, why did she still manage to kiss you?" Kathryn asked.

Ugh, this annoys me greatly. Saw this in a TV show once. Girl got mad at ex because her sister Tani-ed him, he stopped it and decided to tell her. There was a comment like "it's easy not to kiss someone, you just don't kiss them. look at us now not kissing." OH PROBLEM SOLVED, so I suppose with this logic James kissed Tani, James let what's her face future girl smooch his cheek, Jessie let Simon assault her. If only it were as simple as "I don't want this so it doesn't happen.". It'd be nice to live in that world. At least then blaming the victim would make sense. In the real world though, nope. It happened sudden, James did stop her, Janeway forgetting that shock is a huge factor, and this whole thing excuses away Lena doing it in the first place. Bothers me.

"I was taken by surprise, wouldn't you be? I managed to stop her just after it happened," James replied.

I'm so glad he's sticking up for himself now. abouttime

"Ok, young lady. You're coming with me," Kathryn said.

"I told you, it was Emma's fault," Lena moaned.

"You're coming with me, you need punishing," Kathryn said.

0_0 wow, Janeway believed him and is punishing the right person. Where am I, bizarro land? You know the place that makes more sense than FV but is still insane? It's great, I spent my holidays there.

"And Ensign, you're going on your shift during the party," Kathryn said.

"But why? I didn't do anything?" James asked.


"No one goes through that with my daughter unpunished," Kathryn replied.


J/C are the worst (grand)parents ever: 2

You know what she did

James headed back the way he came. Craig came around the corner and he nearly collided with him.

"Hiya," Craig said in a cheerful tone of voice.


"Oh I think I know what you mean. Well it's about time," Craig said.



"What do you mean? Going through that was the punishment, we didn't enjoy it. Janeway said that anyone who goes through that with her daughter has to be punished. So that means you're dead meat," James said.

You should've told her then and there. Craig's not your friend anymore, he said that himself. You're too good to this guy, off screen him

"Do you have any idea which song on the single we're performing?" Craig asked.


THIS IS SUPER TOUGH, SO I'LL STOP JOKING AROUND AND TAKE A GUESS. Actually no, no, you guys try to guess it. I've already started the hangman game. rest is up to you.

A_ A____ A _a_


"No, I think only Lena knows," James replied.

Anyone else see the problem with this?

Other than boring band talk, of course. On an unrelated note I can't wait to (re)do the next episode.

Even the characters get bored of it and sit in silence for a bit. Until...

"I've heard some rumours about you," Craig said suddenly.

"Here we go again, what is it this time?" James asked.

"Don't worry, only Ryan told me about it. He's suppose to be the only one who knows," Craig replied.

"He said that you and Jess are engaged," Craig replied.

I'm assuming this is only the Doc getting revenge. He's not that dumb

"Yeah, that's more believable. I couldn't imagine you trying to propose to Jessie," Craig said, and he started laughing.

"What's that suppose to mean?" James asked.

"I've got the mental image in my head of you trying to get the words out," Craig laughed.

Ah Craig, and I'm sure you'd have no problem doing this. I can see it now.

Craig: Oh Lena, my beautiful barbie girl, I... *kneels down, wobbles* you are my lollipop, and oh my love, roses are red but not as sweet as you. *wobbles again, falls* *one awkward minute later* I'd kill myself it you weren't my playmate to Jesus. My mamma said that if only I could turn back time, you'd be my cartoon hero, oh woah. To quote doctor jones, doctor jones, wake up now. *dramatic pause, witnesses laugh* Lena, do you wanna go for a ride?

Cardboard Cut Out of Lena: *says nothing*

Craig *in squeaky voice* sure Craig


"How do you know what I'd be like," James said angrily.

Craig wouldn't stop laughing. "You'll probably just give her the ring, and say here you go," he said in a fit of laughter.

Much better than a speech at least.

"If that's what you think, I'll prove you wrong," James said.

"How? Are you going to practise on someone?" Craig asked, still laughing.

"No, idiot. I've been planning on asking Jessie since last week, after Duncan moved in," James replied. Craig stopped laughing.

Can someone remind me of a few things?

1) Ever since Resurrection, has there been any scenes where Craig and James have been civil enough to be mistaken as friends again?

2) Does James strike you as someone who'd share this with Craig, and not say a peep to his fellow "talk about shippings" friend Lena?

3) Did anyone else think that James only decided this now to show Craig that he's not as pathetic as him?

seriously. sigh.

"Well I figured that it would be a good idea, we've known each other for a long time," James said.


and? *crickets chirp*

"I hate to say it, but a spoilers page I read said that it won't happen until Season Three," Craig replied.

"Whoever wrote those spoilers must think I'm a coward," James said.

Yes they do, I know this for a fact. Plenty of examples in the last lot of episodes.

and yep, the spoilers page was a thing. Not the worst idea I ever had.

Duncan picked up a bottle of vodka somebody had left.

"Er... your kid's got vodka," Craig said as he pointed behind James.

"Not again," James said, and he quickly went over to Duncan.

I can't wait until Duncan's vice turns into sausage rolls. For now we cringe.

He took the bottle off him. "Can't you wait till later, besides this one's mine," he said. Duncan attempted a growl.

Ohnoes, Duncan wants a sin counter like his mummy. So does James as well, it seems. Bloody hell.

"I want vodka," he said in a stroppy voice.

I know it's early days but I don't remember Duncan ever being a stroppy, spoilt child after this. Almost as if this is a one off.

"I said later, everyone will be drunk and they won't remember that I let you had vodka. You don't want to get me into trouble, do you?" James said.

"No, but I want vodka, now!" Duncan stropped.

The one time in memory that I don't like Duncan. So OOC right now, I blame the booze.

Duncan pointed behind James.

"Who's that old fat guy?" he asked. James turned around, and he nearly burst out laughing too.

"I think that's Santa," he replied.

"What kind of old f**t calls himself Santa?" Duncan asked.


Yes Duncan is at his best when he's smart ass insulting people, but the beauty of it is he's clever and funny about it, while still being cute. This^ is like someone's bad interpretation of him.

Still snickered though

"Where did you learn that word?" James asked.

"Mum," Duncan replied as if he was expecting to get told off.

"Just wondering," James said.

Are you sure she said fart? It's more likely to be tart knowing this series.

Craig walked over to the two. "I think it's Neelix in disguise," he said, and he started laughing again.

"No kidding," James muttered.

No s$$$ sherlock

"Don't you want to see Santa?" Craig asked.

"No, he's a fat b*****d," Duncan replied.

see, no creativity, no joy, nohumour. This isn't Duncan.

Craig looked over at James. "What have you been teaching this kid?" he asked.

"Nought," James replied.


Despite my Duncan remarks, the next bit is a classic (for me) and something held over his poor head that he doesn't remember.

"I want a present!" Duncan said.

"Now that's not polite, young man," Neelix said.

"I want a present! Give me one now, you fat b*****d!" Duncan yelled.

Everyone who was watching them, immediately turned to James.

"What?" he said innocently.

Though to be fair, Duncan isn't the best part of that classic scene. It's the visual I have of James' innocent "what?" that tickles me. And to be fair to him, he's had Duncan what, a week or so? If anyone's at fault it's Tom ;)

"Swearing is wrong, young man. If you keep acting so bad, you won't get any presents this year," Neelix said.

"Bad Santa!" Duncan yelled, and he hit Neelix in the face.

Ohno, I did not remember this. Here's a one off sin for the occasion, you're grounded: Duncan's Sins: +1

"I don't think the Santa thing is working this year. Try again next year," he said.

It would've worked fine. The problem was Duncan having an out of character experience. He's new/young so we'll forgive him.

"Everybody, can I have your attention please?" Tom asked loudly. Duncan went over to him, and he punched him in the leg. "Do you mind?" Tom said angrily.

"Bad first dad, you horrible dad," Duncan said.

It's wrong, like the Neelix bit, but I still lolled cos that sentence is exactly what I was talking about. That's how Duncan should talk. Still bad with the punches.

"What? And your proper one's better, get real," Tom said.

"Sorry about that folks. You have to expect corrupted people to have corrupted kids. Anyway I have a fun competition for you all this year. Decorate your own quarters with Christmas decorations, and whoever has the best quarters, wins," Tom said.

again, Why oh Why is based around Xmas, this episode is based around Xmas. True Duncan's been only cute until and during that, but his whole personality is not gonna change after a few days/a week at most with his real parents. you get real.

"Oh s**t, I'd better get going to that damn duty shift," James said as he handed Duncan over to Craig.


"Janeway's put him on security duty because she found about The Resurrection incident when Lena accidentally kissed him," Craig replied.

"Eew, yukky," Duncan said.


A lot of people were dancing to Don't Stop Movin by S Club 7.


But hey, who cares about that, it's time for the scene I hinted about in another review(s). This is the scene that lead to me deciding to concentrate on Reboot Season Two instead of B4FV1, AND continue it passed Dimension Jump. My original plan was Thrown Key - DJ, B4FV1, then maybe do slight edits to Season Two and Three. I could not stand the thought of it remaining canon. Thanks An Apple A Day, you're a peach!

*gulp* lets do this *takes Kalms*

Tom stumbled over to Jessie and Duncan. Jessie had given Duncan a bottle of light vodka, and he was half way through it already.

"You've given my son vodka, you b**ch!" Tom exclaimed.

So far I'm on Tom's side. James and Jessie are terrible parents, look at this^^

And yes DRUNK TOM WOOHOO is a thing of the past. It's now ohno TOM DRUNK again.

"He's not your son, he's James'," Jessie said.

and yours??

"Yeah right, Duncan's cute. James isn't cute, I am," Tom said in a slurry voice.

o_0 he's definitely drunk, everyone thinks James is cute

"I think you've got that the wrong way round. You're as cute as a toilet seat," Jessie said.

"That's no way to talk to your son's father," Tom said in his slurry voice.

"I'm not talking to my son's father," Jessie said.

yeah this is getting weird, and I know it gets worse

Tom started searching his pockets. He pulled out a pen knife. "I was wondering where that was. This'll do," he said.


Where do people keep getting these pen knives from? First James miraculously had one in Disconnected to implicate him in the rare murders he didn't do. Now Tom keeps one handy in his pocket. I can live with people pulling out popcorn from thin air, but this, nah.

Jessie hadn't noticed all of this. She put Duncan down, and she turned away from Tom to ignore him.

Um. If she didn't notice, why put Duncan down before turning her back on Tom? She may as well have a STAB ME sign on her back and hand Duncan to Tom to save him the trouble of kidnapping. Huge time saver

Tom quickly grabbed a hold of Jessie's arm, and he pulled her to him. He put the pen knife by her neck.

When a moment is so bad even Fifth Voyager calls it a jump the shark. This is it. Do you remember the good old days when Tom was a fun drunk? Ah Season One, you got a bad rap for no reason at all. Season Three, I apologise for calling you the edgy one.

"Tom, what are you doing?" Harry asked in a slurry voice.

Please note: no one is drunk unless they say/ask/yell/mutter in a slurry voice. If I forget they're suddenly sober.

"She thinks that I'm not Duncan's dad. She says Duncan's James' son. She slept with him, the dirty cow," Tom replied.

"Jessie, you little slut," Harry said in his slurry voice.

Sexist Crap Count: 2

Ah male logic. Instead of sleeping with him, she slept with James. That makes her the slut, cos it's not him. *thumbs up*

Harry sticking up for his boyfriend, of course.

"Oh for god's sake, you don't honestly believe that Duncan's Tom and my son?" Jessie muttered.

"Not now, you slept with my best friend, you dirty hussy," Tom said.

Sexist Crap Count: 3

"Oh, now I've slept with Harry too. What's next, Chakotay?" Jessie moaned.

"You better not have. Besides, Harry's not my best friend. I meant James," Tom said.

Are we sure he's drunk, on alcohol?

"You're not lying are you, you slept with James!" Tom yelled so everyone could hear.

Everyone turned to look their way.

"Oh please, this is getting ridiculous," Jessie muttered.

Jessie doesn't go all denial mode. The situation is ridiculous, so fine, exempt.

"Kathy to Security Team, report to the Mess Hall. We have a hostage situation on our hands," she said in a slurry voice.

Kathy? Kathy?


"Tom, he's taking Jessie hostage because he thinks that she slept with you," Kathryn said.

In: "Er, what's that got to do with him?"


She's talking to James? Sheesh, I suppose he did have a vodka before he left. Wasted.

"What it's true? Fancy sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend," Kathryn said in a shocked voice.

In: "Er, Jessie is my best friend."

You know what, if you said Janeway wasn't drunk I'd believe you. That's only cos I adore that getting confused about who is who bit in Reboot Caretaker, and have abused since.

"This is really disturbing," Craig said.


"Everyone's had too much alcohol. For some reason Tom thought that he and Jessie were Duncan's parents. She told him that Duncan's dad isn't him, it's you. He acted like if it was a big shock to him. He thinks that you're his best friend," Lena replied.



"I think you'd better do something. I can't get through the crowd without throwing people around. Maybe if you come in through the other door, you might be able to stop him," Lena said.

and you can't do that because???????? or is this an unsubtle way of telling James to offscreen him. It has been a while

"A pen knife, he has it against her neck," Craig replied.

"Cool!" Thompson laughed. James punched him in the face. He fell unconscious.

yeah I dunno what Thompson's problem with Jessie is. If I don't, no one does

"Er, wasn't he a member of your team?" Lena asked.

"So? I can handle Tom on my own," James said.

but.but he has a pen knife, apparently the universes' most dangerous weapon. well second next to off screen James. Jessie is doomed, as always

"Yeah right," Foster muttered.

"Don't make me hit you," James said. Foster pretended to look scared.

"Ohno, don't. Don't hurt me," Foster said, and he burst out laughing. James punched him too.




Marill Re-Reads will be back after these coffee messages


Hey, I have a coffee and things haven't changed. Well except for the thought that An Apple A Day has gotten its new title. Gotta keep with tradition after all. AAAD is now called Out Of Character Day. Not my best but neither is this. Yes yes, I haven't renamed every episode, I'm a terrible person I know.

"For god's sake, I hope you don't do that with every team you have," Craig said.



"Alcohol and humans don't mix," Tuvok said as they walked in.

"What? Tom's human?" James said.

You stole Tom's nonjoke about you. Tuttut. What has happened to you. First you walk back into a room before doing anything and you bring Tuvok into it.

"There you are. How could you do this to your best friend," Tom said.


Jessie: o_0

"Sleep with my girlfriend," Tom replied.

Harry: *sobs* see that's why, I should be so much more to you and I'm not

"I'll try and come up behind him. You distract him. If he moves, shoot him," Tuvok said quietly.

Um I'm confused. James and Tuvok were behind him until James out of character'ly announced his presence with a Tom joke. Tom turned around to address them, I think. Either way they're already behind him, or they've already blown their cover.

"Don't kill him, just stun him," Tuvok said.

"You're no fun," James said.

See out of character. Tom is not already dead.

Though neither is Jessie, sheesh, this episode can't get anyone right


Tuvok raised his eyebrow, and he started to make his way around Tom, without him noticing, but he did. He turned around. James shot him, and he fell onto the floor. Jessie managed to get away in time.

"Er... were you suppose to do that?" Jessie asked.

"Tuvok said if he moves shoot him," James replied. Tuvok came back over.

What did I miss, was it on kill? Was it was on screen and so for once nobody saw it, Tom randomly collapsed in their POV? HELP

"I didn't mean like that," Tuvok said.

"Oops, sorry," James said.


Tuvok said "if he moves, shoot him." Tom moves, James shoots, and suddenly he's the bad guy. What. Help. I...^&$&^$*&^&*


Marill Re-Reads will be back after coffee binging


"I think you should apologise to Tom," Harry said in a slurry voice.

"Er... sorry," James said to Tom's unconscious form.

"You didn't mean that," Harry said and he walked off.

Lets hope not.

"Er, he looks dead," Jessie said.

James Kill Count: 1

Okay nm, that's why they're overreacting. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU

"Good, we'd better get this mess cleaned up and we can perform our song," Lena said.


They call the Doctor, not to revive Tom but...

"We want as much people as we can to listen to our new song," Craig said.

In: "All right, I'm on my way."

Yes add another ooc character to the pile.

Five minutes later:
Virus were on the set up stage. Everyone who was conscious were surrounding the stage.

"Ok, this single is dedicated to the Doctor, or sorry Ryan Jones," Jessie said.

My god, my earlier guess was wrong. WRONG. WHAT IS REAL

He walked into one of the small rooms. Annika was there, sitting in the corner.

"Doctor? What are you doing here?" she asked nervously.

"I wanted to talk to somebody who treats me with respect," Ryan replied.

Doc, Doc. This is FV. Unless you're Lena you get 0 respect, sometimes minus respect. Should be used to it by now.

"I finally decided on a name, it's now Ryan Jones. But I didn't realise there was a song in the 20th century called Doctor Jones," Ryan said.


Yes cos the name originates from that song. Totally. Marill is so smart. SOUPER SMRT

"Who wouldn't," Annika said.

"People like Lena, who thinks it's one big joke," Ryan said.

"Don't let that little witch get you down, Ryan," Annika said.

"Thanks, Annika, that means a lot to me," Ryan said.

The next day, the Bridge:
Nearly everybody woke up with a hangover, so they were all on their duty shifts holding their heads.

"Ooh, it's only six days till Christmas," Lena said loudly. Everyone moaned.

Oh Lena's one of those people. I hate those people. bahhumbug

James and Craig come on the Bridge, with a scared look on their faces. They rushed over to Jessie and Lena.

"Does any of you know who tampered with Ryan's program?" James asked.

That sounds like an accusation to me.

"He's acting really weird," Craig said.

"He can't be that scary," Jessie said.

"No, we're just scared because we saw Annika in Sickbay," Craig said.

0_0 that is terrifying, and here I thought James and Craig walked in on the Doctor inviting Neelix to his singing sessions.

"It looks like Ryan was showing off to her," James replied.

"Ohno, don't tell me that he's still in love with Annika," Lena muttered.

I hate how the episode immediately renamed the Doctor, including character dialogue. It's so unnatural. And harder to read IMO. And yes, the Morgan>Lena transition needs work as well.

"I feel sick again," Jessie said.

"Don't say that," James said.

"Why not?" Lena asked.

"I'm just paranoid," James replied.

If you take this to mean the same thing I think it means, remember this in the s$$$fest that is The Atamit. Cringeeeeeeeeeeeeee

"Ok, but I'm just telling you," James said. He whispered something in Jessie's ear.


Once again James doesn't die instantly and I'm starting to think this entire episode is someone's dream.

"Is he thinking anything yet?" he asked.

"You're right, you are paranoid," Jessie said.

Lena pulled a face. "I knew you'd think it eventually. What happened at the party last night?" Lena said.

yup called it. James and Jessie need to go t-total. Duncan too.

Anyway, plot calls and like me it's bored and tired.

B'Elanna came into the room. She sneezed twice. Ryan came over to her.

"Hello there, B'Elanna, how may I help you today?" he asked in a dodgy Canadian accent.


Duncan: *glares*

I mean whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

Duncan: better

"I've reprogrammed it, Miss Torres. Please lie on the Biobed, and I'll treat that nasty cold of yours," Ryan said. He picked up a bottle of strange tablets.

"Doc, what happened to the normal hypospray?" B'Elanna asked.

"Tablets contain more vitamins than a silly hypospray. Now you must take two every three hours. But be warned, 70% of the time they do cause diarrhea, and sometimes headaches," Ryan replied.

"It's ok, Doc, my cold's getting better already," B'Elanna muttered, and she rushed out.

This screams of "oh s$$$ I've just remembered what this episode was supposed to be about, and I've spent 5/6ths of it with Tom becoming a drunk psycopath and er Xmas parties??? I really don't remember anything of significance. Gawd, what a dud.

Everyone waited until Kathryn stopped with her sneezing fit. Tom was counting with his fingers.

"Hey if she reaches thirty, she'll beat Voyager's record," Tom whispered to Harry.

Why are you not in the brig?

And in a lab, how many fingers do you have???

"In a matter of hours, the illness known as the cold has been spreading around the ship.. " Kathryn said, and she sneezed again. "I'd like to know how somebody managed to catch it, and managed to spread it around the ship in a matter of hours," Kathryn said, and she sniffed.

Are you sure it isn't Damien's spirit bringing some rabbits onboard?

"I have no idea Captain, I've called Doctor Jones up here but for some reason his mobile emitter has disappeared," Tuvok said. Three people sneezed in unison.

"Speaking of Doctor Jones, what's wrong with him?" B'Elanna asked, and she sneezed four times.

Bloody hell, this reminds me of being at work...

Especially when Lena starts randomly singing annoying songs.

"Lena.." Kathryn said and she sneezed. "Stop that," she finished.

"Sorry," Lena muttered. Four people sneezed.


Tom sneezed on Harry's hand by accident.

"Eew, do you mind?" Harry whined.

"Sorry, here's a hanky," Tom said. He pulled a used hanky out his pocket and he handed it to Harry.

"According to the sensors, more than 60% of the crew have the cold," Tuvok said.

"Wow, how did you get the sensors to work that out?" James asked.

"It's easy. When someone sneezes the wind factor goes up," Tuvok replied.

Funny as that is, I don't think that answers the question. It just tells you how often people sneeze, which is apparently A F$$$TON LOT

"Well, too finish this meeting off, I want everyone of you to report to Sickbay to get yourselves treated," Kathryn said.

"But I'm not ill," Triah said.

"Neither am I," James said. A few others agreed.

"You will be after sharing a room with us," Kathryn said, and she had another sneezing fit.

Then by calling a meeting with everyone you've made things worse. GREAT JOB

"We're going to have to put his program back to normal. Everyone's going to be too scared to go to Sickbay if he keeps this up," Chakotay said.

If this series was even remotely normal, this would be the half way mark at most and the program reverting wouldn't be a simple tap on the computer - or if it were, this would be a b-plot. This however is near the end and well, it's not a two parter. I'm gonna assume it's a walk in, reset his program and then the episode ends with An Apple A Day performance, only to cover my embarrassment of thinking that would be sang instead of Jones. Lets watch.

"Why do we have to be the distracting squad?" Tom asked.

"I dunno," Harry replied. Tom, Harry, and Craig went up to Ryan. They started talking to him.

I actually wish I was rerereading Bittersweet.

"Can we please?" Jessie asked quietly.

"No, Janeway said back to normal," B'Elanna replied.

So erm, let me get this straight. Tom, Harry and Craig are distracting the Doctor by talking to him, which of course he won't expect. At least Tom is sick, so he would've been enough. Meanwhile three people sneak in to change the Doc's program so he no longer uses herbal tablets and speaks with the random accent of the day. One of which is James, the hacker. Maybe I should give the ep credit for fairly using the old cast mixed in with the main new.

B'Elanna sneezed twice.

"Was that you Tom?" Ryan asked.

"Er, yes," Tom replied. He pretended to sneeze.

Doc falls for this. Here's an idea, for your sneaking team don't bring one of the first cold sufferers. Also another idea, one of you loves to sneak up on people and do great things without being seen, use him and him alone.

B'Elanna, James and Jessie sighed in relief, and they continued working.

Ryan suddenly flickered heavily. He looked around, really confused.

"What happened?" he asked in his normal accent.

Well I was close. It still wasn't hard.

Annika rushed out of the office. "Hey, who put him back to normal?" she asked angrily.

"So it was you who reprogrammed him," Tom said.

"No, I don't think so. I would of done a better job," Annika said.

Um er. What are you looking at me for, past Marill and present Marill are different people, totally.

"Then how come the computer says it was you that tapped into his program two hours before I came in here originally?" B'Elanna asked. She sneezed a couple of times.

Yeah I got nothing

"Annika? I thought you respected me as an individual," Ryan said.

"I do, but I noticed a few people caught the cold, so I thought I could get my own back this way," Annika said.

By... not getting their colds treated and spreading it to more people? I'm not following. To be fair I remembered the story being something like this, but wow

"I'm sorry, Annika, you're going back to the Mental Institution. You're still not ready yet," Ryan said.

"Yes I am, I didn't want to kill anyone," Annika said.

"But you still wanted revenge on the crew. I'm sorry, you're going back," Ryan said. He nodded his head at B'Elanna. She keyed in some commands, and Annika beamed away.

Okay, I did think she was acting too normal to be genuinely better. for shame doc

"I still don't understand why people didn't want to take the tablets," Ryan muttered. Everyone looked at each other nervously.

very slight smirk

Because they smell funny and don't actually work. you're welcome.

But who cares about that s$$$, it's time for me to finally be right.

"And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for. It's Virus, with their second song on their second single!" the announcer yelled.


"This song is also dedicated to Ryan Jones! Get ready to rock!" Lena yelled. She now had her hair down to her back, which was dyed bright green. She had put green glitter in her hair too.

Quiet music music started.

LETS GET READY TO ROCK *quiet pop music starts playing*

"You know an apple a day. Won't keep the doctor away," Lena sang.

So yeah, like I said I think right at the beginning. The title came first, from ^, then a storyline was crapped up from that. No I have no idea how I'm gonna fix this one. sigh

Anyway the episode closes on more lyrics and I wish it wasn't an hour until dinner/coffee time.

"Remember, Christmas is less than a week away!" Craig yelled.


The Bridge, five minutes later:

it's not over????

"That's strange, why didn't anything bad happen?" Kathryn asked.

"A lot of bad things happened," Chakotay replied.

"But nothing like the previous episodes," Kathryn said.

as if on cue, something bad happens

Marill & Raichu appeared. Everyone on the Bridge groaned or rolled their eyes.

"Well for that we'll have another Christmas episode, but something bad can happen in it," Raichu said.

"Oh yes, I've been looking forward to the next one," Marill said, and she giggled like a little kid.

Yes, and that's why it wasn't finished and was released after the one after it. YOU READ ME

Spoiler alert: postponing the next one really destroyed it. It's such a shame. reboot version ftw

"I'm not with her, she just follows me around everywhere," Raichu muttered.

I believe you

"Oh yeah, Steps," Marill said. Raichu giggled, and she went into a daydream. "She's obsessed," she said.

"Oh yeah? I can do better. Aqua," Raichu said. Marill went into a daydream, and she started dancing to nothing.




"Can you please go, when I said that something bad didn't happen I didn't want something bad to happen. Go away," Kathryn said.

ohsnap (I already made that joke)

"How can you have a daydream about Mummy Returns and Pokémon?" Tom asked.

"Duh, that's where the next movie idea came from," Harry said.

"Eh?" Tom said questioningly.

"Jessie and James are in it, Pokémon have two characters with the same name," Harry said.



When will Annika finally be cured?

No, she will get worse, become a stalker, hang out with Wesley Crusher, stick yogurts in her bra and become immortal for real

Will Ryan keep his new surname?

No, he decides to change his name to Shakin Stevens, but then gets put out years later when the song he's named after changes lyrics and meaning. He spends the rest of the series called Superstar Sucker. Danny's nickname for him is Star F$$$$$, she's classy you know.

Will the writers get thrown into a Nut House soon?

Well one gets sent to one but doesn't get committed, does that count? I assume there were no spare rooms.

Why is Marill so obsessed with the Mummy Returns, Aqua and Pokémon?


Why is Raichu obsessed with Steps?


What was the Doctor Jones and An Apple A Day video like?

I assume Jessie, Lena and Craig get kidnapped by cannibals, chucked into a pot and stirred. James has a nap but his voodoo doll rudely wakes him up, allowing him to save the day, then they ROCK the night away. An Apple A Day doesn't have a video you ninny.

Find out the answers to maybe some of these questions next time on Fifth Voyager.

Well maybe not next time, but sometime.


Counter Results:

Muttered Count: 45 (1270)

Sexist Crap Count: 3 (62)

Jessie's Sin Points: earned 1, lost 0 (14)

Lena the Sue Count: 0 (31)

Lena (Child)Abuses Her Power: 21 (32)

Annika Dies Count: 0 (10)

James Dies Count: 0 (5)

James Kill Count: 1 (4)

James Badasses Off Screen For Our Sins: 0 (17)

Marill's Playing With Her Dolls Again: 1 (51)

Just A Little Bit More: 0 (37)

J/C are the worst (grand)parents ever: 2 (27)




1) AAAD is not the first episode to be made up on the spot, or barely before writing, but that doesn't give it a pass in the nothing happens department. This episode is nothing. It's priority is character junk, and junk the majority is.

2) Lena is still a child abusing bitch

3) The opening is snore worthy, even if it's trying to be kinda relevant since it's about new names. fail

4) This should go with 1, but there's a lot of random short scenes that have nothing to do with anything else. At least the band talk, Lena's hair, name stuff at the beginning, Duncan's behaviour is relevant to the few things that do happen. I can't say the same for Ash Ketchum's scene with his brother, or Tom's remark about his holodeck program, or Lena's abuse, or Kiara's making James a Janeway. Filler in a filler episode is just painful.

5) Yes the original intended joke was calling him Dr Jones from the song, and that is fine, as is the not knowing that the song's inspired by Indiana Jones. My problem is more to do with the first name and how it's used from now on to label him. I dunno why Lena laughs at it, other than it is so plain and ordinary for him to come up with after all these years (it also reminds me of the Endgame bit, JOE). It just, like Duncan's middle name, is further proof that I can't name male characters. While I like James, he's still named after Team Rocket (but thankfully not Stevaaaay, his Kidz Trek inspiration), Damien's original name caused bother and his "new" one is pretty on the nose. Ian and Lee are named after Steps members (yep). Foster, or his evil twin was named after a bully. Thompson *shrug* I think the only one I like is Craig, it's certainly not a well used name nowadays.

In a nutshell I don't like the Doc's name, it just doesn't suit him one bit. It's too much to change it now, so he's stuck with Ryan until I start using Dr Jones.

6) There's no need for Why oh Why to be based around Xmas, and An Apple A Day even less so. The forced Xmas stuff is cringey. Bittersweet however is perfect, and remains the Christmas one, along with S5'S Virtual Fairytale and I think S3's Sweet. No need for anymore. I assume the ep was written in December, yep I didn't check. That is all. Ironic, Bittersweet was primarily written in January. Same with its reboot, fun fact.

7) Janeway finding out about the Resurrection kiss incident and the aftermath. Also the beforemath with the mistletoe, so transparent.

8) James needs to stop treating Craig like his friend. Craig is an arsehole to him. He trusts him enough to tell him about his proposal plans and he laughs in his face, over and over. Dump him (in the garbage).

And yes this would be in positives or not at all if James behaved differently, less share but still talking to him. Craig's behaviour though, however annoying, is meant to be.

9) The Stuart/Rex family are alcoholics because teen Marill thinks that s$$$s funny. I get what the ep was trying to do with Duncan's behaviour though. Show how much of a bad influence the J/J pair are at the moment, but it did it all wrong. Yes give him an extra swear word, sure have him try to grab a drink to copy off his alcoholic parents, maybe a lighter lash out, but he's not in character. It's also far too over the top. While he is a handful for the rest of the series, I think he's endearingly so, not a horrible brat but funny and direct, kinda like James is supposed to be. I don't think any other episodes fails at this, at least I don't remember it. Fingers crossed.

10) The Tom gets drunk and takes Jessie hostage with a pen knife because he thinks he's still Duncan's dad, but still has Jessie as the mum, etc scene is bad, and I feel bad. I should. It deserves more than the double points I'm giving it. Out of character, forced edgy, no point to it, not funny or interesting, Foster and Thompson being weird enough to be punched, just really insulting filler. (2)

11) I'm still confused over Tuvok and Jessie thinking James did something wrong when he shot Tom. Tuvok gave him an order, he followed it. Someone says he looks dead, but it's not conclusive. James sarcastically saying sorry to him while he's out makes me think they're overreacting, but he also makes the meek oops comment as if he did do something wrong. I didn't see anything. Somebody help me.

12) I know it was bound to happen in an ep named like this and with its only "plot points" planned for it being Dr Jones and the crew get sick because they avoid him, but as always band crap gets a mark. Bittersweet is the only one allowed, so there.

13) The actual plot I mentioned is barely a fifth/sixth of the episode length long. The illness is just a cold, its resolved no issue. The only thing I liked about it was Annika taking advantage to get her own back.

14) Writer's scene at the end. My head hurts.

Sub-total: 15


1) Janeway's coffee scenes are a welcome relief, and likely are the start of something wonderful(ly funny) for the rest of the series.

2) Despite its issues, Duncan's present tantrum is still funny to me. Remove the smack and its fine. We can assume he stops acting like this later because of this incident. I remember him being embarrassed when it's brought up later. It fits.

3) James shooting Tom (dead?) for what he did deserves a point, no arguments. Also his I'm sure sarcastic "sorry" to the unconscious/dead Tom when Harry tries to guilt him.

Sub-total: 3

Marill's Rating: 17%

ouch, oh man. That scored worse than I expected, and I didn't think it would score well anyway.

Rankings So Far:

#01 Resistance: 53%
#02 YWF: 46%
#03 Disconnected: 40%
#04 Kiss of Death: 38%
#05 Interactions: 37%
#06 The Resurrection: 36%
#07 True Q: 35%
#08 Cause & Effect: 33%
#09 The Curse of Voyager: 32%
#10 Saturday Night & Precise Timings: 31%
#11 Games Resistance: 29%
#12 Thrown Key Part 2: 23%
#13 F9: Control Failure: 21%
#14 Why oh Why: 20%
#15 An Apple A Day: 17%
#16 Halloween: 15%
#17 Dimension Jump: 14%
#18 The Slayers: 12%
#19 The Love Spell: 10%

Before I move on, I'm twenty re-reads into Season Two. It's time to see how it is shaping up compared to good ole Season One. Since it's getting rather big now, I've separated it from the reviews. Makes it easier to find as well.

Next Time: I try again to review Bittersweet without breaking down and/or rambling about how disappointed I am with a certain band. Yeah so, look forward to that!!

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