Episode Synopsis
After Voyager picks up another passenger Tuvok discovers that somebody has been sending messages to a hidden alien ship.

Guest Stars
Marill as herself
Firera as herself
Raichu as herself
Charizard as himself
Anthoney McPartlin as Simon
Adam Blaustein as Ensign Jack Foster

Written By
Marill

Written
20th - 25th August 2001

Edited/Corrected
28th February 2005

Episode Based In
February 2377 (mid season 7)

Captains Log Supplemental: In order to boost morale, Neelix is preparing auditions for a play he has written.

The Mess Hall:
Neelix was standing on the stage holding a microphone.

"Now, may I have the auditioners for the female lead?" Neelix asked. All of the girls stared at him funny. "Any volunteers?" Neelix said quietly.

"What kind of crappy story is it?" Morgan asked.

"Firstly, it's not crappy. Secondly it's a love story. The female and male lead fall in love. Their families, however are always fighting each other. Finally the two lovebirds bring both of their families together," Neelix replied.

"That story doesn't sound original, it sounds more like Romeo & Juliet and Lion King 2," Morgan muttered. Neelix pretended not to hear her.

"Also, whoever gets chosen for the female lead will most likely have lots of male fans," Neelix said.

"Give it up, Neelix. Nobody is going to want the part because of that," Morgan said. Suddenly a lot of girls pushed past of her and rushed onto the stage.

Five minutes later:
All guest stars had been rejected. So Tani, Lilly, Emma, Claire and Lisa were the only ones left.

"Okay, now lets see if you can work well with our male lead," Neelix said. Tom pushed Harry onto the stage. "Okay girls. Here's your co-star," Neelix said. Emma giggled hysterically and she ran over to Harry. She started hugging him tightly.

"Ugh, I was hoping it would be James," Tani moaned.

"I'm not going to comment on that," Lilly muttered under her breath.

"Er, Emma, I think you should let him go. He's starting to turn blue," Neelix blurted out. Harry was able to breathe again when Emma finally let him go. "Okay then. Lets see if you can kiss each other. This is essential," Neelix said.

Lisa and Claire walked off the stage in disgust. Claire thought, "I don't want to be seen with an old gel guy. I'd rather be seen with a toilet seat."

Lisa thought, "why would I want to kiss him, he's old enough to be my dad."

"Oh dear, now I've got to choose from only three girls," Neelix said quietly.

"Make that two. I'm not going near that old jerk," Tani muttered and she stepped off the stage.

Harry thought, "that's insulting. Her actress isn't much younger than mine."

"So, Lilly, Emma, lets see how well you can work with Harry. Lilly, you kiss him first," Neelix said in his best directors voice.

"Er, maybe another time," Lilly stuttered.

"Fine, Emma," Neelix commanded. Emma's face lit up. Neelix noticed Lilly walking off the stage. "Lilly, where are you going?" he asked in a frantic way.

"I think playing Harry's sister in the play is a better idea," Lilly replied.

"Ohno, that means Emma's got the part," Neelix muttered. Emma started jumping up and down like a five year old. She grabbed a hold of Harry again.

"Help! Can't breathe!" Harry blurted out before he turned blue again.

Two hours later:
"Okay, action!" Neelix commanded. The camera man turned on the camera, it focused on the stage. Emma was on the set reading out her lines. Suddenly Tani blocked the camera view.

"Hi, I'd like to thank my fans for making me the universe's most gifted and beautiful Games Slayer," she said in her best flirty voice. Somebody's hands pushed her out of the way and Triah blocked the camera view instead.

"Hi people. I'd just like to say that I'm still around, despite all rumours, I haven't been killed off," Triah said. Tani started pushing Triah out of the camera view but Triah pushed back. Morgan walked up behind them. She pushed them away easily.

"Hi Lene fans! Aqua rules!" she yelled at the top of her voice.

"Morgan, please get away from the camera. Harry, you're up," Neelix said.

Everyone looked around but they couldn't see Harry anywhere. But they did hear a familiar scream coming from behind the stage. Harry ran across the stage screaming like a girl.

"What's up with him?" Jessie asked.

"Beats me," Morgan replied. Harry ran into Neelix's kitchen. Not long after Naomi appeared on the stage.

"Where did Harry go?" she asked in an innocent voice. Triah pointed towards the kitchen. Naomi ran towards it. Harry screamed like a girl again and he ran out of the room. Naomi ran after him. "Wait! I only want to be your friend!" she yelled as she disappeared down the corridor.

"Okay, that was disturbing," Tani muttered.

Neelix reached over to the director's chair to pick up his biscuit tray. It was empty.

"Okay, who stole my chocolate chip cookies?" Neelix asked. He looked around and he saw Kiara and Bryan stuffing their faces with biscuits at the side of the stage.

"Ooh, can I have one?" Craig asked.

"No!" Bryan blurted out, spitting crumbs.

"Steal your own," Kiara said with her mouth full.

"Whatever happened to the sweet and innocent Kiara," Craig muttered.

"She disappeared after two B4FV characters re-joined the main cast and taught her swear words," Neelix replied. Craig immediately knew who he meant and he looked over at Jessie.

"I don't swear," Jessie said in an innocent voice.

"Yeah, and Craig's gay," Tani said as she put on some make up.

"Why does everybody make that comparison?" Craig asked himself.

Neelix turned to look back at Kiara and Bryan but they had disappeared. Everyone heard a strange banging noise.

"Jessie, Morgan, James, go and find out what that was, I'm busy," Neelix said.

"If he bosses me around one more time I'm going to cook him in his own stew," Morgan growled as she, Jessie and James headed over to the source of the noise.

They came across the most amusing sight. Kiara and Bryan had somehow got themselves trapped in the cage that was going to be used in the next scene.

"Isn't that the cage you guys replicated for the next scene," Morgan asked. She opened the cage while giggling.

Tuvok, Thompson and Foster entered the temporary studio. Tuvok walked up to where Morgan, Kiara, Jessie, James and Bryan were.

"Ensign Stuart, it's time for your duty shift," Tuvok said in his really boring tone of voice.

"How long do I have to do these shifts anyway?" James asked.

"You will do them until the Captain thinks that you have made sufficient progress," Tuvok replied.

"Takes a long time. I've been on this duty shift for seven years," Foster muttered.

"But Ensign, you are on this duty shift permanently," Tuvok said calmly.

"Oh yeah," Foster muttered.

"Why do I share a shift with really stupid people?" Thompson muttered to himself.

"Come on, we're already late with our rounds," Tuvok said calmly, as usual. He left the studio. Foster, Thompson and James glumly followed.

In: "Janeway to all Bridge Officers, please report to the Bridge."

Almost everybody groaned and they slowly left the studio leaving Neelix to film an empty stage.

The Bridge:
Harry walked onto the stage. He looked around and he quickly ran to his station. A few minutes later Tom, Craig, Jessie and Emma entered the room.

"Emma, what are you doing here? You're not a Bridge officer," Kathryn asked.

"Everyone used that excuse to get away from the play. Plus Tuvok told me to take his station since he's on his rounds," Emma replied and she headed over to Tactical.

"As if. I always take over his station when he's not on duty," Craig complained. He tried to push Emma away from the station, she pushed back.

"Oh for goodness sake. None of you are manning the tactical station, because Crewman Picacard is," Kathryn said. Craig and Emma looked at her funny.

"Who the hell is Crewman Picacard?" Emma asked.

"I am," a voice said from behind her. Emma and Craig turned around to see a very familiar person.

"I've seen him before but I don't know his name," Tom muttered. Emma and Craig moved away from Tactical. Instead they started fighting over the science station. "Anyway, what's all the halubalooza about, Captain?" Tom asked.

"We received a Federation distress call. We're nearing the source now," Kathryn replied.

"But Captain, it could be another trap. Remember 'Manuevers'?" Harry pointed out.

"Remember what?" Kathryn said in a confused tone of voice.

"Captain, whatever it is is in visual range," Picacard said.

"That voice seems familiar too," Tom muttered to himself.

"Put it on screen," Chakotay ordered. The viewscreen activated to show a battered shuttlecraft.

"It's a Federation shuttle!" Harry exclaimed.

"Wow, we really needed your help in finding that out for us, Harry," Tom said sarcastically.

"Is it one of ours?" Chakotay asked.

"I doubt it, you crashed all of ours," Tom muttered under his breath.

"It only has a ship's registration number on it. NCC 1701 E," Harry replied.

"That registry sounds awfully familiar," Craig said quietly.

"Duh, that's the Enterprise's registry. Somehow a shuttle from that ship has ended up in the Delta Quadrant," Tom said, stating the obvious for a change.

"Picacard..." Chakotay started.

"Ace of hearts," Tom said at the top of his voice.

"Tom, you're jokes are really terrible, nobody finds them funny so shut up," Kathryn ordered.

"Oh, it seemed funny in my head," Tom muttered.

"Anyway, Picacard, hail that shuttle," Chakotay commanded.

"Yes sir," Picacard said. The viewscreen's image of the shuttle disappeared and instead it showed the inside of a shuttlecraft.

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager," Kathryn said.

"I am Lieutenant Simon Ellis of the Starship Enterprise. I'm so glad to see a Federation ship. I haven't seen any since I was attacked by a Borg ship," the guy in the shuttle said.

"Lieutenant, do you know where you are?" Kathryn asked.

"Of course I do. We're only two lightyears away from the Bad Lands in sector four nine three," Simon replied.

"We wish," Harry said to himself.

"Dock your shuttle into our Shuttlebay, we have a lot to discuss," Kathryn said.

"Yes Captain," Simon said. The viewscreen switched back to the view of the shuttle.

"How did the shuttle end up here?" Chakotay asked.

"Maybe the Borg captured it, and went into transwarp," Craig replied.

"That may explain how he doesn't know that he's in the Delta Quadrant," Kathryn said.

"See, I'm a genius," Craig boasted. Everyone looked at him in the exact same way. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked.

"Commander, tell Tuvok to meet our guest in the shuttle bay," Kathryn said, ignoring Craig's comment.

"Yes ma'am," Chakotay replied.

Outside the shuttle bay:
"Now, I want you all to be on your best behaviour. I remember what happened last time and I don't want it to happen again," Tuvok said.

"Hey, he was the one who put that sexual magnetism virus on me," Thompson protested.

"I didn't know it was a sexual magnetism virus, I thought it was the virus that makes all girls throw up on you," James said.

"Oops, I think I took that one," Foster muttered.

"Is that why Tani and Lilly ran away when they saw you?" Thompson asked.

"I thought I took the sexual magnetism virus, how was I suppose to know that it was the wrong one," Foster said.

"Why did you want that virus for?" James asked.

"I was trying to get a certain girl to like me. I'm hopelessly in love with her," Foster replied as he looked at his feet.

"Aaaw," Thompson said in a sarcastic manner.

"Our guest will have docked by now, lets go inside," Tuvok said and he walked into the bay. The guys followed him in.

The shuttle's doors opened and Simon stepped out. He walked up to Tuvok.

"I am Lieutenant Commander Tuvok. These are my so called Security officers Ensign Stuart, Ensign Foster and Crewman Thompson," Tuvok said.

"I'm Lieutenant Simon Ellis. Nice to meet you all," Simon said politely.

"I'll take you to the Ready Room, the Captain wishes to speak to you," Tuvok said.

"Okeydokey," Simon said in a cheerful way.

In: "Rex to Stuart. Meet me at the turbolift on deck ten, I need to talk to you for a minute."

"Crewman, he's on duty," Tuvok said.

"Hmm, that request sounds like Lara has requested of me a couple of times," Thompson muttered and he winked at James.

"Oh sorry, are you meeting O'Hara there for another kissing session?" James asked.

"Later maybe. And you're too stupid to get what I just said," Thompson replied.

"I got what you said, and it wasn't that funny either," James said. Foster groaned, as usual.

In: "Listen Tuvok, I need to talk with my friend for a few minutes so it's none of your business."

"Very well. We'll take that turbolift on the way to the Bridge," Tuvok said.

In: "So I've just come down from the Bridge for nothing? Great, Rex out."

"Come on, lets get to the Bridge," Tuvok said. He walked through the bay doors, the others followed him.

Outside the turbolift:
Tuvok, James, Thompson, Foster and Simon arrived at the turbolift, and they saw that Jessie was waiting for them. They all walked into the turbolift.

"Deck 1," Tuvok commanded. The turbolift started to move.

"So, why did you want to meet here for?" James asked.

"Well, B'Elanna wants us to babysit Bryan for an hour tonight. You know, to start paying her back for that favour she's doing for us," Jessie replied.

"Bryan? You're in trouble, I babysitted him last week and he was nothing but trouble," Foster muttered.

"Like father like son," Thompson said.

"So, who are you?" Simon asked.

"Jessie," Jessie replied as the turbolift stopped at the Bridge. They all stepped off the turbolift.

In: "Security team three to Commander Tuvok."

Tuvok tapped his commbadge.

"Go ahead," he replied.

In: "We need somebody to take over our rounds for a while. A fight broke out in Engineering and we have to stop it."

"Very well. Thompson, Foster, I want you two to take over their rounds on deck eleven," Tuvok said. The pair groaned and they headed back into the turbolift. Tuvok then walked into the Ready Room, James, Jessie and Simon followed.

"Oh.. my.. god," Tom said slowly.

"Oh what now?" Harry asked.

"Picacard is played by the same guy who plays James, I knew he seemed familiar," Tom said.

"Eh?" Picacard muttered.

"Why would the writers pick H to play Picacard?" Harry said.

"I suppose people who saw a particular SMTV: 2099 episode would get it," Tom muttered.

The Ready Room:
Kathryn was sitting at her desk with a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Ah, Lieutenant Ellis, welcome aboard Voyager," Kathryn said.

"Thanks, and call me Simon. Everyone else does," Simon said.

"Er, Tuvok, why is Jessie here?" Kathryn asked. Tuvok looked at Jessie.

"I have no idea, Captain," Tuvok replied.

"I'm bored, what do you want from me?" Jessie protested.

"That sounds a lot like me," Simon muttered.

"Ensign, would you please take Crewman Rex to Deck Two. You both can join the security team there," Tuvok ordered.

"Meh, whatever," James muttered. He and Jessie left the room.

"Nice people," Simon said.

"Hmm, that is an exaggeration," Tuvok said.

"Tuvok, can you wait outside for the time being," Kathryn asked.

"Yes Captain," Tuvok replied. He stepped out of the room.

"I don't want to be the one to tell you this but you're not in the Alpha Quadrant anymore," Kathryn said.

"What? That's not possible, where are we then?" Simon asked.

"We're in the Delta Quadrant, thirty thousand lightyears from Earth," Kathryn replied.

"Oh, I knew the name Voyager seemed familiar, but how did I get here. This can't be possible," Simon said.

"What happened when the Borg ship attacked you?" Kathryn asked.

"Well, they easily damaged the shields. They used a tractor beam to pull us into their ship. They managed to fully assimilate Ian, but they were only just getting to me when their ship was attacked by another Borg ship. I managed to use the attack to my advantage and escape," Simon replied.

"Maybe the Borg entered trans-warp during your time on the Borg ship. If it was a ship connected to the collective that must mean they have a new queen already," Kathryn said.

"I cannot believe this. I am on thee Voyager. It's amazing," Simon said.

"Well, we're going to have to assign a guide for you, and some quarters," Kathryn muttered.

"What about that girl who was in here earlier?" Simon asked.

"What, Jessie? You don't want her as a guide, trust me," Kathryn said.

"Well, she seems a bit like me, and she did say she was bored," Simon said.

"Well, it'll give her something useful to do for a change. Very well. Janeway to Tuvok," Kathryn said as she tapped on her commbadge.

In: "Yes captain?"

"Could you please come back in," Kathryn said. A few seconds later Tuvok stepped back into the room. "Simon, just wait outside, I need to talk to Tuvok alone," Kathryn said.

"Yes ma'am," Simon said and he stepped outside.

"Tuvok, he has requested Jessie to be his guide," Kathryn said.

"Who do you want as his guide instead?" Tuvok asked.

"Nobody, if he wants Jessie, he'll get her. I want you to take him down to deck two after this," Kathryn said.

"Captain, the girl is unreliable, do you think it's a good idea?" Tuvok asked.

"Yes I do, she has never actually done much work recently. Maybe this could be a change for her," Kathryn replied.

"Maybe you're right, Captain. It would be a good idea, also, to get her away from her infatuation," Tuvok said.

"Her infatuation with what exactly?" Kathryn asked.

"Ensign Stuart," Tuvok replied.

"Er.. I wasn't aware of this," Kathryn muttered.

"It is obvious, Captain," Tuvok said.

"That's maybe your opinion, Commander. Make sure you don't say this to either of them, okay," Kathryn said.

"Yes Captain, but why?" Tuvok asked.

"Doesn't matter. If Simon wants her to be his guide, she will be her guide," Kathryn replied.

"As you wish, Captain," Tuvok said.

"Dismissed," Kathryn ordered. Tuvok left the room again. Kathryn looked at her cup, it was empty again so she ordered another cup of coffee from the replicator.

The Mess Hall:
"Janeway wants me to do what?" Jessie asked in disbelief.

"To be Simon's guide. He has requested you," Tuvok replied. Simon grinned the biggest grin possible.

"Oh all right, it'll give me something to do while James and everyone else is on duty," Jessie said. Tuvok was about to say something but he decided against it.

"Lucky you, I have to put up with Thompson for my shift," James said.

"You wouldn't have to if you hadn't of murdered somebody," Tuvok said.

"Hey cool, you murdered somebody, cool," Simon said.

Tuvok thought, "this is not a good idea at all."

"We should be getting back to our duties now," Tuvok said as he stood up. He headed towards the door.

"What did he mean by we?" James asked.

"Er..." Jessie muttered.

"ENSIGN!" Tuvok yelled.

"Oh, right," James muttered and he stood up. He and Tuvok walked out the door.

"This is a nice ship, small and cosy," Simon muttered.

"What's the Enterprise like?" Jessie asked.

"Big, very big and posh," Simon replied.

"I take it you don't like it very much," Jessie said.

"No, posh ships are not my kind of thing. Small ships like this one is more my style," Simon said.

"You'd better watch out then, the writer of this episode loves the Enterprise E," Jessie said.

"Oh, I take it back, I love the Enterprise, really," Simon said quickly.

"So, have you been shown to your quarters yet?" Jessie asked.

"Nope, but Tuvok gave me this PADD. He wanted me to give it to you," Simon replied and he handed her a PADD.

"In other words I have to do everything, as usual," Jessie muttered and she stood up. "Come on, I may as well show you where your quarters are now," she said. Simon stood up and followed her out the door.

Deck 2:
Tuvok and James had met up with Thompson and Foster. Foster had this big grin on his face for some odd reason. The turbolift stopped near by. Picacard stepped out. Thompson burst out laughing when he saw him.

"Hey, I didn't know you had a twin," Thompson laughed.

"What are you talking about, he looks nothing like me. The hair's all wrong, not to mention the ears," James muttered. Foster started laughing too.

"So what's your name then?" he asked.

"John Picacard," Picacard replied.

"Thompson, Foster, control yourselves. We're on duty," Tuvok said calmly.

"Sorry sir," Thompson and Foster said in unison. Picacard turned the corner and left everyone's sight.

Simon's Quarters:
Simon was looking around the room as Jessie stood at the doorway.

"This place is not too bad. My old quarters were really posh," Simon muttered as he wandered around.

"Just contact me if you want anything," Jessie said.

"Okay, will do," Simon said. Jessie quickly left the room. Simon looked at the computer console.

Two days later:
The Ready Room:
Kathryn was drinking her third cup of coffee when the door chimed.

"Come in," she said in a cheerful manner. Tuvok walked through the door and then he came up to the desk.

"Captain, I have disturbing news," Tuvok said.

"What is it?" Kathryn asked.

"I believe a member of the crew has been in contact with aliens in this area," Tuvok said.

"What?" Kathryn snapped.

"Mr Kim reported that there had been an open commlink with a far away alien ship. According to the computer whoever it was was using Crewman Rex's password to gain access to the comm array," Tuvok said.

"But Jessie doesn't have access to the comm array," Kathryn said.

"That's why I think somebody else was responsible. They appeared to have used her password instead of theirs so everyone will think it was her," Tuvok said.

"Ask Lilly and Annika to use Astrometrix to find the ship that was contacted. I want you to find out who it was and why," Kathryn ordered.

"Yes Captain," Tuvok replied.

"Is that all?" Kathryn asked.

"No, I'm having trouble with one of my security teams," Tuvok said.

"What kind of trouble?" Kathryn asked.

"Crewman Thompson has been starting fights between Ensign Stuart, so now he's not reporting for duty anymore," Tuvok replied.

"Who's not reporting for duty?" Kathryn asked.

"Ensign Stuart. Also Ensign Foster has taken an experimental virus from Sickbay," Tuvok said.

"You mean the ones that the Doctor find on that planet two weeks ago?" Kathryn asked.

"Yes Captain. He was using one on himself yesterday. Of course this isn't the first time the team's had trouble with those viruses," Tuvok replied.

"Yes I remember the last incident," Kathryn muttered.

"I will continue my investigation Captain," Tuvok said.

"I'll ask Morgan to find out what's wrong with Ensign Stuart, she has a nack for things like that," Kathryn said.

"Thank you Captain," Tuvok said. He turned around and walked out the door.

The Mess Hall:
Harry was sitting at a table on his own. He heard somebody walk up to the table so he looked up to see who it was. He screamed like a girl and he ran out of the room.

"Why does he keep doing that?" Naomi asked herself. She sat down in his chair.

Morgan walked through the big doors. She stopped and looked around. She spotted what she was looking for. She walked over to one of the tables and she sat down.

"Hiya, Jimmy boy," she said cheerfully.

"Why do you keep calling me that?" James asked.

"I dunno. I don't like your name I suppose," Morgan replied.

"What do you want?" James asked.

"Oh nothing much. Just advice," Morgan replied.

"Go and look somewhere else then," James muttered.

"Oh, dad told me that old people are great at giving out advice," Morgan said quietly.

"Old? I'm only twenty seven! I hardly call that old!" James snapped.

"Yeah, but I'm sixteen. You're old in my opinion," Morgan said.

"I prefer the term older. Why do you want my advice for?" James asked.

"Well, you're old enough to have experience with this sort of thing, but not too old I suppose," Morgan replied.

"Experience with what?" James asked.

"Erm, I'll have to tell you my long story first," Morgan muttered.

"Ohno, that can't be good," James said.

"Well to cut a long story short, it all happened in the last episode. Craig was telling me some kinda mushy stuff. For some reason I felt sorry for him so I, er, kissed him," Morgan muttered.

"I thought Craig was lying about that," James said quietly.

"What? He told you!" Morgan stuttered. She hid her face behind her hands.

"Well, yeah. He found out about the love spell incident so it was only fair," James said.

"Ohno, I can't believe it," Morgan said in a muffled voice. She moved her hands away from her face. "What are you bloody laughing at?" Morgan said loudly.

"You kissed Craig, that's so funny," James said in a middle of a laugh.

"Not funny. It was only one of those friendship ones that Lilly told me about," Morgan protested.

"Yeah but Craig? You must be brave," James said.

"What do you mean? He's not that bad," Morgan said.

"If you say so. What do you need advice for then?" James asked.

"Well, he keeps asking about it and I can never explain it to myself. You see, you don't know the whole story," Morgan replied.

"Meaning what?" James asked.

"Well, it kinda went a little further than I expected, if you know what I mean," Morgan replied.

"No, I don't," James said.

"Yes you do, you're just trying to make it harder for me," Morgan protested.

"Is it working?" James asked.

"Unfortunately. Well, it was only meant to be a brief kiss, you see and it lasted a lot longer than that," Morgan muttered.

"I see, I take it you had a slip of the tongue, right," James said and he burst out laughing again.

"That's not funny!" Morgan snapped. Everyone in the room turned to look her way, and she turned bright red. "You're suppose to be helping me, not laughing at me," Morgan said.

"How can I help you?" James asked.

"Well, haven't you had experience?" Morgan asked.

"Not really, I've never kissed Craig before," James replied.

"That's it, I'm going to kill you," Morgan growled.

"I was only kidding, I knew what you meant," James said.

"Well?" Morgan said.

"I've never had a friendship kiss that lasted long, so no I haven't," James replied.

"Well, at least I know that there is such thing as one. I need to figure out what I have to tell him," Morgan muttered.

"Whatever you do, don't tell him the truth, somebody did that once and it caused more bother," James said.

"Who is this somebody, and what happened?" Morgan asked.

"I'll not tell who, lets just call them S & R, yeah that'll do. R thought that S was jealous because, er T, had a crush on her. Of course S wasn't. Anyway, for some reason R kissed S to test him. She told him the truth and a full blown argument started," James replied.

"Oh, who's R, S & T then?" Morgan asked.

"That would be breaking a promise," James replied.

"Aaw, please. I won't tell the people in question that I know," Morgan said.

"I don't know if can trust you," James said.

"Yeah you can, I can keep friend's secrets. Usually if they don't tell me their secrets I can just try and read their thoughts and find out anyway," Morgan said.

"I'll just not think it then," James said.

"Oh please tell me," Morgan pleaded.

"I'll tell you who T was," James said.

"Okay, that's a start," Morgan said.

"Tom," James said.

"Thanks, I can ask him who he's had a crush on during the years, then I'll find out who R is, unless it's B'Elanna," Morgan said.

"It's not B'Elanna, and if you tell Tom I'll kill you," James said.

"Oh, I'd better not tell him then. You probably would kill me, well try to, murderer," Morgan said.

"If you call me murderer again I'm never going to tell you anything," James said.

"Fine. Will you tell me who R & S is then?" Morgan asked.

"If I told you who R is then she would kill me," James replied.

"Fine, what about S?" Morgan asked.

"Promise not to laugh," James replied.

"I promise nothing, you laughed at me when I told you about me and Craig," Morgan said.

"Okay then. Lets change the subject," James said.

"Okay, okay, I'll try not to," Morgan said.

"You won't tell anyone?" James asked.

"Nope, who is S?" Morgan replied.

"Well, me," James said quietly. Morgan tried her best not to laugh.

"You said that you didn't have any similar experience," Morgan said.

"So?" James said.

"Well, I can guess who R is now. T is the initial for Tom, S is probably for Stuart, I wonder who R is, hmm," Morgan said.

"It doesn't matter anyway, it was six years ago," James muttered.

"Rex, that's what it stands for, I'm just so good," Morgan said.

"It could be anybody," James muttered.

"Not really. Tom did have a crush on Jessie. And the only two people who would probably kiss you are Jessie and Tani. And Tani wasn't on this ship six years ago," Morgan said.

"Why do you think Jessie & Tani would?" James asked.

"Well Tani's had this big crush on you ever since she joined the crew. I have a feeling Jessie has too," Morgan replied.

"You can't prove anything," James said.

"With Tani it was simple to find out. She keeps talking about you, and she even told me a few times. Jessie's a little more complicated. But here's my explanation. Craig told me you two are like positive and negative magnets, you just can't keep them apart. That's because the two magnets are attracted to one another. You see, it's simple," Morgan said.

"I don't get it," James muttered.

"You wouldn't cos it's so simple. You two are two attracted magnets, get it?" Morgan asked.

"No," James replied. Morgan groaned and she started headbutting the table.

"It's simpler than the two times table. You.. two.. are.. attracted.. to.. each.. other, get it now?" Morgan asked.

"That can't be right, I would know either way," James said.

"Fine, believe what you want. Anyway, you've been a lot of help to my little dilemma," Morgan said.

"How?" James asked.

"Well, I know that you have been through something similar to me, and it's made me feel a lot better. Misery loves company," Morgan replied.

"Well I'm glad I could help you," James said sarcastically.

"Oh I just remembered. Mum asked me to talk to you about why you're not going to duty anymore," Morgan said.

"I take it Tuvok was complaining," James muttered.

"What else is new. So what's the problem?" Morgan asked.

"Everything I suppose. Thompson won't stop bugging me about Jessie's new friend, and Tuvok's just being the usual jerk," James replied.

"Jessie's new friend?" Morgan said.

"Simon, Janeway ordered her to be his guide to Voyager, but she's been spending a lot of time with him. I'm sure it doesn't take two days to show Simon around a small ship like Voyager," James replied.

"Sounds to me like you're jealous again," Morgan said.

"You what?" James asked.

"You're jealous that Jessie has a new friend. You're worried that she'll forget about you," Morgan replied.

In: "Captain Janeway to Morgan Janeway, can you report to my ready room?"

"Okay, I think I'm finished here," Morgan said. She stood up. "Maybe if you spend some time with Simon and Jessie, it would help," she said and she walked out the door.

The following night
Jessie/James' Quarters:
Jessie, James and Simon were sitting on the sofa in the main room. Jessie stood up and walked into her room.

"So, er, how are you settling in?" James asked.

"Great. Jess has helped me out a lot. She's a great girl, don't you agree. Well of course you do or you wouldn't be living with her," Simon replied.

"Er, yeah," James muttered.

"I know I shouldn't be telling you this but I think I've fallen in love with her. Do you think I should tell her tomorrow?" Simon asked. He never got an answer since Jessie came back into the room and sat down again.

"Okay, what do you guys fancy doing tonight, do you wanna go out or stay in?" Jessie asked.

"You guys do what you want, I'm going to bed," James said quickly and he stood up.

"But it's only nine o'clock," Jessie said.

"I said I'm going to bed," James repeated and he walked into his room.

"Is he always like that?" Simon asked.

"No, I wonder what's wrong," Jessie replied.

"Maybe we should go out, give him some peace and quiet," Simon said.

"That's a good idea, but I think I should talk to him first," Jessie said.

"No, I'm sure he's ok," Simon said, he stood up and he headed out the door.

"I hope you're right," Jessie muttered as she followed him out the door.

The next day
The Ready Room:
"Again?" Kathryn said.

"Yes Captain. This time the culprit used Ensign Stuart's password," Tuvok said.

"And he doesn't have access to the comm array either," Kathryn muttered.

"I am no closer to solving this mystery Captain, but I will continue until I find out who has been doing this," Tuvok said.

"Have you ever thought about an alien intruder, they always seem to sneak aboard without us knowing about it," Morgan asked.

"I have considered that possibility," Tuvok replied.

"Very well, Commander, dismissed," Kathryn said. Tuvok nodded in response and he walked out. "Morgan, did you do what I asked?" Kathryn asked.

"Yeah I did," Morgan replied.

"Well?" Kathryn asked.

"Thompson has been causing bother and Tuvok's obviously been a boring old g*t," Morgan replied.

"Er, I see," Kathryn muttered.

"That's what he said but I think he's just been missing his shifts because.." Morgan said.

"Because what?" Kathryn asked.

"I'll not say anything cos he's my friend and I'm not going to tell the whole of Voyager about his problems," Morgan replied.

"Morgan, I try to help every member of my crew when they need it, he might want help," Kathryn said.

"If you want to know, why don't you ask him yourself?" Morgan asked.

"Because he'll probably prefer to talk to you than me," Kathryn replied.

"Can I go now?" Morgan asked.

"If you wish," Kathryn replied. Morgan walked out the door leaving Kathryn with yet another cup of coffee.

The Bridge:
As soon as Morgan walked onto the Bridge she nearly ran straight into James.

"Er, what are you doing on the Bridge?" Morgan asked.

"I was bored, I must be desperate if I think that talking to the Captain will relieve my boredom," James replied.

"You don't want to talk to her, she was trying to get me to tell her some of the stuff you told me. I'm going to the Mess Hall, why don't you come with?" Morgan asked.

"Why not," James replied.

Not long after Morgan and James left the Bridge, Picacard rushed to the Tactical station.

"Reporting for duty sir," he said to Chakotay.

"Er.. ok," Chakotay muttered.

"If I ever complain about James again, remind me of this guy," Tom said quietly.

"Noted," Harry muttered.

The Mess Hall:
"Oh god, it's worse than I thought," Morgan said in disbelief.

"I think he's going to tell her tonight," James muttered.

"Geez, I wouldn't like to be her right now," Morgan said.

"I don't know what to do," James said.

"What do you mean? This isn't your concern," Morgan asked.

"She wouldn't tell you this herself but she's been afraid of getting into a relationship for years. It's a long story how it happened. But I have no idea how she'll react to Simon's love confession, that's what I'm worried about," James said.

"You two are as bad as each other. Anyway there's nothing we can do, unless we actually tell her before he does," Morgan said.

"What difference will that make?" James asked.

"I don't know, but I didn't hear you coming up with anything," Morgan replied.

"Fine, but I think you should tell her," James said.

"Why should I? She's your best friend," Morgan asked.

"Various reasons," James replied.

"Oh is jealousy rearing it's ugly head again?" Morgan asked.

"No of course not, why would it be?" James replied.

"Were you asleep when I explained the magnets theory yesterday? I don't know anybody who wouldn't be jealous in your position, if you know what I mean," Morgan said.

"Believe what you want, don't you think you should tell Jess now," James said.

"Why not, I'll spare you the heartbreak if she's actually happy about the news," Morgan said and she stood up. She posed in front of the camera in use for a few seconds, Neelix tried to pull her away from it. She finally left the room.

Simon walked through the main doors a few seconds later. He went in front of the camera for a little while before Neelix pushed him away too. Simon headed over to James' table and he just sat straight down.

"Hello there, today's the big day. Wish me luck," he said cheerfully.

"You'll certainly need it," James muttered.

"What do you mean?" Simon asked.

"She'll not be interested," James replied.

"Oh really, why?" Simon asked.

"Ever since something happened in college she's been put off relationships," James replied.

"Oh, what did you do?" Simon asked and he burst out laughing.

"I didn't do bloody anything," James protested.

"I was only kidding, really. That was a real scare, don't ever do it again," Simon said.

"I wasn't kidding," James said.

"Stop having me on, you're starting to annoy me," Simon said.

"I'm not having you on. I'm telling you the truth so you'd better keep your mouth shut," James said.

"But, she wasn't scared of having one with you," Simon said.

"What are you talking about?" James asked.

"She told me about what happened six years ago, you know when you got jealous because Tom Paris had a crush on her," Simon said.

"We didn't have an affair of any sort, she must of been having you on," James said.

"So you're telling me that Jessie's a liar," Simon asked.

"What did she tell you exactly?" James asked.

"She said that you two had a brief affair six years ago, not to mention that pretend college affair you had ten years ago," Simon replied.

"Great, has she told you everything?" James asked.

"It would seem, she must really trust me, that's a good sign," Simon said.

"It doesn't mean that she's going to just get over her fear and start dating you," James said.

"I'm sorry but you are really annoying me now. If she had a phobia of relationships why did she have one with you six years ago? No, wait I see what's happening here. You're in love with her too and you're just trying to get rid of the competition," Simon said.

"That's ridiculous, I got over her a long time ago," James said.

"Well if that's the case you don't make any sense at all, so you're definitely lying about that," Simon said.

"Look, I'm only trying to protect her, and I'm also trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself," James said.

"Well, thanks for you concern," Simon said sarcastically.

"Look if you think I'm lying why don't you ask her yourself?" James asked.

"I don't need to, I'll find out when I tell her I love her tonight," Simon replied.

"Bad move," James muttered.

"Stop trying to put me off her. I think what happened between the two of you is long over with now, so get over it and move on," Simon said.

"That's not what I care about right now. Right now I'm worried about what her reaction will be when you tell her," James said.

"Worried? Are you worried that she might feel the same way about me?" Simon asked.

"No," James replied.

"Are you worried that I might kiss her tonight?" Simon asked.

"All you'll get is resistance, hence the title," James replied.

"Look, if she does then I'll keep trying until I get there," Simon said.

"That's what I'm worried about, you're going to be pushing her into doing something she doesn't want to do," James said.

"Oh really, she'll thank me in the end. It's the only way to get her out of the phobia," Simon said.

"She'll resist, and if I find out that you've tried to push her into anything she doesn't want to do you'll regret it," James said.

"Oh really, what are you going to do?" Simon asked. The next thing he knew he was lying on the floor, with blood pouring down his face.

"Does that answer your question?" James asked. He walked towards the right door. He stopped in front of the camera. "What are you looking at?" he asked and he walked out the door, passing Morgan & Jessie. They both saw Simon on the floor and they looked at each other.

"Not again," they both said in unison. Morgan tapped her commbadge.

"Janeway to Sickbay, James has hit someone in the face again," Morgan groaned.

In: "I wish he would stop doing that, he's wasting medical resources."

"You get him to Sickbay, I'll talk to James," Jessie said.

"Okay," Morgan said. Jessie turned around and ran out of the door. Morgan went over to Simon. "What did you say to annoy him?" she asked.

"Nothing, we were just talking," Simon protested.

"Doc, can you beam me and Simon to Sickbay, I can't be bothered to drag him there," Morgan asked.

In: "Okay, stand by."

The corridor:
Jessie ran to catch up with James.

"Hey! What are you in such a hurry for!" she yelled.

James stopped and turned to face her. "Here to tell me off for hitting your boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend? Where did you get that idea from?" Jessie asked.

"I thought Morgan would of told you by now," James replied.

"She has, am I the only one feeling a bit of deja vu?" Jessie asked.

"What do you mean?" James asked.

"This isn't the first time you've had a fight with a guy that's fancied me," Jessie replied.

"Your point?" James asked.

"Why do you keep doing it? I can understand Tom, but Simon. Why did you hit him?" Jessie asked.

"I was just trying to protect you," James replied.

"You should stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself, you on the other hand are going to get told off by Janeway again," Jessie said.

"You don't get it do you. He said to me that he is going to try and kiss you, and if you resist he's going to keep trying. Saying no to him is not going to be enough, he's going to try anything to get what he wants," James said.

"I doubt he would try and hurt me or anything, you don't have to worry about it. I'll be fine," Jessie said.

"I'll be in the next room anyway. Don't tell him that I'm in the quarters. If you need me at least you'll know where I am," James said.

"If it'll make you feel better then ok," Jessie said.

"By the way, why did you tell him about our relationship?" James asked.

"It kinda slipped out, you know I almost saw a tint of jealousy in his eyes, and that's exactly what I see in your eyes now," Jessie said.

"Don't you start too. First Morgan, then Simon, now you. For the last time it's not jealousy, it's just worry," James said.

"Yeah, that's more realistic. I wonder how the Doc's doing with his patient," Jessie said.

Sickbay:
The Doctor was scanning Simon as he lay on the bio bed.

"Hmm, this is interesting," he muttered.

"What?" Morgan asked.

"The Borg must have a new way of assimilation. A few of his bones have been replaced by metal ones to decrease breakage," the Doctor said.

"They obviously don't work very well," Morgan muttered.

"No, they are fully functional," the Doctor said.

"Then how come his nose broke so easily?" Morgan asked.

"I have no idea, no human would be able to break these bones just by punching them," the Doctor replied.

"I knew it, James isn't human," Tom said.

"Tom, keep your mouth shut," the Doctor said.

"The only humans who could do this kind of damage are natural born or Chosen Games Slayers," Morgan muttered.

"What the hell is a Games Slayer?" Tom asked.

"Oh for heaven's sake, I'm not going through that again," Morgan moaned.

"Are you suggesting that Ensign Stuart is a Games Slayer, what ever that is?" the Doctor asked.

"No, it's just a possibility, a rare one. Natural born ones are very rare, they're even more rare than good looking EMH's," Morgan replied.

"I'll ignore that, Morgan," the Doctor muttered and he continued to treat Simon.

Later that night
Jessie/James' Quarters:
"What are you going to do all night?" Jessie asked.

"Don't know, I asked Morgan to beam into my room later, I don't know when she's coming though," James replied.

"What is it with you and Morgan, have you all of a sudden become bestest buddies?" Jessie asked.

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?" James said.

"I'll never be jealous of Morgan, you two just have fun doing nothing, ok," Jessie said.

"Yeah, ok," James muttered and he walked into his room.

Two hours later:
"Oh come on, lets play Snap again!" Morgan moaned.

"Keep your voice down, he'll hear you," James said.

"Oops, oh yeah, sorry. Another game of snap?" Morgan asked quietly.

"No, I'm sick of that bloody game," James replied.

"Oh that's because you keep losing," Morgan said.

"Why don't we play something else?" James asked.

"Like what, I only know one two player card game," Morgan replied.

"I'm sick of cards," James said.

"Hey, it's not like you have a computer to play on," Morgan muttered.

"I do, there's a Game Boy in there somewhere," James said as pointed at the mess on the floor.

"I'm not going in there, I'll not come back alive," Morgan said.

"Then play your one player card game then," James said.

"What about you, are you going in the mess to rescue the Game Boy?" Morgan asked.

"Maybe later," James replied.

"Coward," Morgan muttered. She sat down on the edge of the bed and she started setting out the cards. She picked her walkman back up and she put her headphones on.

Meanwhile in the other room:
Simon and Jessie were sitting on the sofa in total silence. Jessie had a bottle of Cherry Coke in her hands, Simon had a bottle of Dr Pepper.

"Did I tell you what your ex-boyfriend did to me?" Simon asked to break the silence.

"No you didn't, but I already know. What did you say to him?" Jessie asked.

"We were just talking about how bad Neelix's play was getting along. I don't know what I said to upset him. I don't know how he managed to break my nose though. The Borg had replaced my nose bones with metal ones, along with some others. They're unbreakable," Simon replied.

"I don't know either. I'll talk to him tomorrow, he's definitely been acting strangely," Jessie said.

"Strangely is not a word to describe it," Simon muttered. He put his Dr Pepper on the table. "Listen, there's something I have to tell you."

Jessie thought, "uhoh, here it comes."

"I know I've only known you for a few days but I've never felt this way about anybody else in my life. I just want you to know that, I love you," Simon said. Even thought Jessie already knew she still felt surprised. She put her Cherry Coke down on the table and she stood up.

"I want you to leave," Jessie said quietly. Simon stood up.

"Why? What have I done?" Simon asked.

"Nothing, it's me. I'm useless, if I did feel the same way about you I wouldn't know. I've never understood it," Jessie said and she walked towards the door to open it. Simon walked up to her.

"I'll help you, if you want. I can try and explain it," Simon said. Jessie walked back towards the sofa and she sat down.

"You can try," Jessie muttered. Simon sat down next to her.

"I don't understand love either. But I can try and think up symptoms of it, then you'll know in the future if you love someone," Simon said.

"Fine," Jessie muttered.

"Lets see. There's lots of times when you can't stop thinking about the person, they're constantly on your mind. When you're with them sometimes you find that you're staring at them like a complete dope. Some people can't seem to talk to the person very easily. Last but not least, if you somehow get into a kiss you'll probably feel a strange sensation in your stomach, and you find that you don't seem to want to pull away. Those are some of the symptoms, are any of them familiar?" Simon said.

He didn't seem to get an answer off her, she was just sitting in a daze. Simon gently shook her to get her attention. "Jessie? Are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I'm not. I did actually recognise most of those symptoms," Jessie muttered.

"Oh, I don't mean to be nosey but who were you thinking of?" Simon asked.

"I'm sorry, it's not you. I'm really sorry," Jessie stuttered and she stood up again. She headed towards the door. Simon also stood up.

"I know who it is, it's that jerk you live with, isn't it?" Simon said as he walked up to her.

"He's not a jerk, and it's not him," Jessie said.

"Don't try to fool me, I may have only known you for a few days but I know when you're lying," Simon said.

"Please go now," Jessie said.

"No," Simon said.

"If you don't go I'll call security," Jessie said. Simon grabbed her commbadge and he threw it away.

"Why do you need to do that? I thought we were friends," Simon said.

"We are, it's just I need some time alone, and if you don't go then I have to call security," Jessie said.

"But you don't need to be alone, not when I'm here," Simon said.

"I'm warning you, if you don't go you'll regret it," Jessie said.

"Why are you acting this way? I'm not going to hurt you," Simon asked.

"I don't care, go," Jessie said.

"You don't want to be alone do you? You want to have your boyfriend back, well if I don't get you then he won't," Simon said.

One minute later
In the next room:
Morgan heard something through her headphones. She stopped the tape and she took off her headphones. She looked around the room, James had gone.

"Oh great, where is he," Morgan muttered. She rushed over to the door and it opened automatically. She saw Simon running out the door with a few scratch marks on his arms and face. The glass table had been smashed. She saw Jessie lying on the sofa. "What the hell happened in here?" Morgan asked.

James was standing near the sofa and he helped Jessie to her feet. As soon as she was up she threw her arms around James and she hugged him tightly.

"Is anybody going to tell me or not?" Morgan asked.

"Morgan, contact Security, tell them to go after Simon," James replied.

"But?" Morgan muttered.

"Do it!" James snapped. Morgan tapped her commbadge.

"Janeway to Security, Simon needs capturing," Morgan said.

In: "What's going on, Morgan?" Tuvok's voice asked.

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out. Just get Simon," Morgan replied.

In: "There had better be a good explanation, Tuvok out."

Ten minutes later:
The Ready Room:
Kathryn was sitting behind her desk. Tuvok, Jessie, James and Morgan were standing in front of the desk.

"We have Simon in the brig, but what I don't know is why," Kathryn said.

"I was in the next room, I heard something in the main room so I took a look. That's when I saw that pervert Simon standing over Jessie while she was lying on the sofa, she looked like she had been forced onto it," James replied.

Jessie suddenly burst into tears and had to be comforted by Morgan.

"What was he doing?" Kathryn asked.

"He was trying to kiss her, I think. That's what it looked like," James replied.

"You don't know for certain, that isn't valid proof for an assault," Tuvok said.

"Oh come on, look at her, I've never seen her cry, ever," Morgan said.

"Jessie, what was he doing to you?" Kathryn asked softly. Jessie tried to wipe away the tears from her face.

"He, said something about if he couldn't get me then nobody else can. He, pushed me hard against.. the wall, and he tried to kiss me. I tried to push him away, but I couldn't. He pushed me onto the sofa.. and that's when James helped me out," Jessie stuttered.

"Tell me, what did you do to him?" Kathryn asked.

"I just pulled him away from her and pushed him into the table. If he hadn't of run away like a complete coward I would of killed him," James replied.

"I doubt you want another murder on your record, Ensign," Tuvok said.

"Morgan, where were you in the middle of all this?" Kathryn asked.

"I was in James' room listening to Aqua on my walkman. In the quiet bit of Halloween I heard something so I went to see what was happening. I kinda missed everything actually," Morgan replied.

"What were you doing in his room?" Kathryn asked.

"Listening to Aqua, weren't you listening?" Morgan replied.

"I give up," Kathryn moaned.

"Captain, what should we do with Simon?" Tuvok asked.

"Keep him in the Brig until further notice," Kathryn replied.

In: "Chakotay to Janeway."

Kathryn tapped her commbadge. "Yes Commander," she said.

In: "Alien ships have come into contact with us, Captain. They wish to speak to you."

"There isn't enough coffee in the universe," Kathryn muttered and she walked out the door, the others followed her out. Kathryn sat down on her chair and she looked at the viewscreen. She was faced by human looking men on the screen.

"I am Surantagen, leader of the Valarians," the man said.

"Captain Janeway, what can I do for you?" Kathryn asked.

"Our planet needs help. Our planet is in the middle of a heat wave and we cannot produce much food. Can you give us a few food supplies in exchange for some dilithium?" Surantagen replied.

"A trade would be acceptable. When do you want to make the trade?" Kathryn asked.

"Please, can you come to our planet in an hour. We can make the trade then and there," Surantagen replied.

"Good idea, we will be there," Kathryn said. The viewscreen turned itself off.

"Picacard..." Chakotay said.

"Two of clubs," Tom said. Suddenly the lights darkened and a purple light started flashing.

"What is that?" Picacard asked.

"Oh, that's the new Bad Joke Alert I installed, the Captain ordered me to install it," Claire replied.

"Bad Joke Alert? That wasn't a bad joke," Tom protested.

"Stand down from Bad Joke Alert, Claire," Kathryn said.

"Yes Captain, what do you think of it?" Claire asked.

"It's great, good work," Kathryn replied. Claire smiled and she continued to work at her station.

"Bad Joke Alert, lame idea," Tom muttered. A brick appeared out of nowhere and it landed on his head. "Ow, where did that come from?" Tom moaned.

"Must be all the Katie Stuart fans getting you back, I think you've made some more enemies," Kathryn said.

Tom swallowed hard and he turned his back on everyone. James and Jessie went into the turbolift as Naomi ran out. Harry screamed like a girl again and he ran into the conference room. Naomi ran after him.

"I just want to be your friend!" she yelled as she ran into the conference room.

"Okay, is this episode a romance episode or something? Naomi has a crush on Harry, Simon is head over heels for Jessie, and so on. What's next? Morgan and Craig suddenly get together?" Lee asked.

Morgan ran over to him and started beating the crap out of him. Since it was only Lee everyone just ignored him. As soon as she finished beating him up she left the Bridge via the other turbolift.

"I doubt it, more like an attempted one. Marill couldn't write romance if somebody wrote the story for her," Tom said. Another, larger, brick appeared and landed on his head.

"Nah, it's not a romance, it's attempted I suppose. And it's just plain silly in places. And where have all these new characters come from?" Kathryn asked.

"Like H's second character," Chakotay groaned. Everyone looked at Picacard, who just smiled at them with the biggest grin imaginable.

"I really want to kill that guy," Tom growled.

"Tom, just follow those ships to their homeworld," Kathryn said.

"Yes ma'am," Tom grumbled.

The turbolift:
"He taught me what the symptoms of love was, it was rather disturbing if you ask me," Jessie muttered.

"Sounds kinda worrying for a Fifth Voyager episode," James said.

"I suppose two of those symptoms did seem familiar. I doubt it means anything though. He probably just told me a lot of rubbish," Jessie said.

"Which symptoms did he mention?" James asked.

"It takes too long to say them all. One of them was definitely a load of rubbish though," Jessie replied.

"Which one was that?" James asked.

"He said that if you get to kiss the person, right, you would have this urge not to pull away, and this strange feeling in your stomach, I mean what kind of clap trap is that," Jessie replied.

"Yeah, that guy probably has mental problems," James muttered.

They were in complete silence for a minute.

"Er, how come we haven't arrived at the deck yet?" Jessie asked.

"Crap, I forgot to tell the lift where to go," James replied.

"This is just getting way to silly," Jessie muttered.

"Deck nine," James ordered.

"Deck six," Jessie cut in.

The turbolift started moving at last. It stopped at Deck Six.

"I forgot to thank you for helping me out before, sorry," Jessie said. The turbolift door opened. She pressed the button at the side to close it again.

"You don't need to thank me, I'm just glad you're ok," James said.

Elsewhere on Deck Six:
Morgan stepped out of the other turbolift. She looked around.

She thought, "this isn't Deck Seven, stupid piece of crap!"

She tried to step back inside it but the door closed on her and left the deck. She kicked the door and it left a huge dent.

She headed to the other turbolift. She pressed the button to open the door. She nearly burst out laughing, she saw James and Jessie kissing each other. Morgan cleared her throat to get their attention. They stopped and they saw Morgan looking at them.

"This is my stop, bye," Jessie said quickly and she ran out of the turbolift and she disappeared down the corridor. Morgan stepped into the turbolift.

"Don't tell me, that was a friendship kiss," Morgan said as she tried to keep a straight face.

"It started like that," James said quietly.

"I'm getting deja vu, once again," Morgan said.

"Aren't you in the turbolift for a reason?" James asked.

"Deck Seven," Morgan ordered. The ship shook violently and the turbolift stopped for a few seconds. "Make that Deck One," Morgan said.

The Bridge:
"Who's firing on us?" Kathryn asked.

"It's the Valarians," Tuvok replied.

"Why are they firing on us?" Chakotay asked.

"Shields status?" Kathryn said.

"90% and holding," Tuvok replied.

"Return fire," Kathryn ordered.

"Aye Captain," Tuvok said.

Morgan and James arrived on the Bridge.

"What's going on?" Morgan asked.

"Our so called friends attacked us," Tom replied.

"Captain, the shields are gone," Tuvok said.

"What!" Kathryn exclaimed. Another phaser blast grazed the hull causing a few big explosions all around the ship.

"Somebody must have given them our command codes," Chakotay said.

"Something tells me that the person is the same one who's been sending secret messages out using other people's passwords," Kathryn muttered.

"Get those shields back up, now!" Chakotay ordered.

"Aye sir," Tuvok said.

In: "O'Hara to Tuvok."

"We're rather busy up here, crewman," Tuvok said as he tapped his commbadge.

In: "The forcefields mustn't be working in the brig, because we were just attacked by Simon. He's heading towards the shuttle bay."

"What the hell is he up to?" Kathryn asked.

Tuvok tapped his commbadge again. "Thompson, Foster, report to deck ten," he said.

Another phaser blast hit against the hull. The Bridge shook violently.

"Oh god, where has that guy gone this time," Morgan moaned. Everyone looked at her and noticed that James had gone.

"I think we've got much bigger problems than that," Tom said.

"Captain I've got the shields operating but only at 25%," Tuvok said.

"It's better than none," Kathryn said.

The shuttle bay:
Foster, Thompson and O'Hara snuck into the bay. As far as they could see, there was nobody else there. They continued to look around. They got to the Delta Flyer when they heard the bay doors open and close.

"Oh great, someone else is here now," Thompson muttered.

"Would you be quiet," O'Hara said quietly.

The team opened the Delta Flyer's doors and they say Simon working at one of the consoles. Thompson and Foster aimed their phasers at him. Simon noticed and he headed towards them. Foster shot him, he stumbled backwards and he landed in the chair. The team walked over to him. O'Hara tapped her commbadge.

"O'Hara to Tuvok, we got him. He was the one who was sending out secret messages," she said.

In: "Good work."

"So that's where the jerk's been hiding out," a familiar voice said. Thompson and Foster turned to see who it was.

"So, you've finally stopped playing truant, it's about bloody time too," Thompson said.

"Oh shut up," James said and he pushed past Thompson and Foster. O'Hara stopped him.

"What are you doing, he's unconscious," O'Hara said.

"You didn't kill him?" James asked.

"No, why would we?" Foster replied.

"Look, I heard what happened between him and Jessie but it doesn't mean that we're just going to kill him because he's done something wrong," O'Hara said.

"You have a really boring girlfriend," James said.

"Hey, I'm standing right here," O'Hara growled.

"She's not boring, are you cookie?" Thompson said.

"No of course not muffin," O'Hara said.

"Oh please, enough with the mushy stuff!" Foster groaned.

"Keep out of this!" Thompson yelled. Another phaser blast interrupted the argument.

"I think we'd better get him to Sickbay," O'Hara said.

The Bridge:
"Shields are gone again," Tuvok said.

"That's it, we're doomed," Tom said.

"Captain, somebody has beamed aboard the alien ship," Craig said from the opps station.

"Who?" Kathryn asked as another phaser blast grazed against the ship.

"Simon," Craig replied.

"What the hell is he doing?" Chakotay asked. On the viewscreen the lead Valarian ship caught fire all of a sudden. It blew up a few seconds later.

"The other ships are retreating," Tuvok said.

"Can somebody tell me what just happened?" Kathryn asked.

"A few simple words. Rushed story because of lack of time," Tom said. Instead of one brick landing on his head a couple did.

"Tom, stop annoying the writer," Kathryn said. All she got was a groan in response.

"Something aboard their ship exploded near the power systems, it caused a chain reaction," Tuvok said.

"Who's side was Simon really on then," Kathryn asked herself.

Captains Log Supplemental: Two days after these confusing events we have finally solved the mystery but there are a few things left unanswered.

Everyone was in the conference room. They were all watching the computer screen on the wall. It showed Simon's last log entry that was recorded for everyone to see.

"I know you all confused with what's going on, I know I am. Just today I found out something disturbing. What attacked my shuttle wasn't Borg, the cube was stolen from a race called the Valarians. They are cyborgs, they capture members of compatible alien races and they put members of their race into them. I was assimilated by them without even knowing. A Valarian was living inside me for days and I didn't even realise it, up until now. If you are watching this right now I am most likely dead. I'm sorry for causing trouble, at those times I was being controlled by the Valarian. I'm even more sorry to Jessie. I didn't mean to harm her before.

Anyway you are probably wondering how that ship exploded. I must of succeeded in injecting myself with one of the Doctor's viruses. Those viruses mess up the Valarian's systems and they cause overloads. I beamed myself near a vital area so when the Valarian exploded it probably caused serious damage. Since my counterpart lured you into this trap by giving out secret messages I thought that this sacrifice was the least I could do. I wish you all a safe journey home."

"He recorded this not longer before he was put into the brig," Tuvok said.

"I suppose this explains everything," Chakotay muttered.

"Not everything. How come the Doctor didn't detect the Valarian inside of Simon?" Kathryn asked.

"The species must be advanced to be able to pull this one off," Harry muttered as he looked around the table hoping that Naomi wasn't there.

"Well, we must continue on our journey. Now nobody has to be up all night wondering what the hell happened," Kathryn said. Almost everyone nodded their heads. "Dismissed."

The Mess Hall:
"So, did you and Craig work things out?" James asked.

"Yeah, when I told him the truth he wouldn't stop saying sorry. He thought it was all his fault," Morgan replied, she drank some of her Cherry Coke. "I hope you and Jess haven't been having trouble," Morgan said.

"Well, she's been avoiding me. I can understand why," James replied.

"Oh, sorry. I'm sure you'll work things out, you guys always do," Morgan said. Neelix walked up to their table.

"Hi, the play I filmed is finished and I'll be showing it in the holodeck next week," Neelix said.

"Oh god, that can't be good," Morgan muttered.

Everyone saw Harry run out of the room, and Naomi chasing after him.

"Come back, Harry!" she yelled as she ran out the door. Picacard walked up to the table.

"Hello brother," he said cheerfully.

"Ohno, why is he still here?" James asked.

"I'm going to the holodeck, do you want to come?" Picacard asked.

"No way," James and Morgan said in unison.

"Okay then, see you later," Picacard said. He walked through the door but it closed on him. Somehow he got electrocuted and he fell to the ground, obviously dead.

"Oh dear, I think he's dead," Neelix muttered. Everyone tried their best not to look happy. "I'll just clean up the mess," Neelix muttered. "Should I get rid of that smell?"

"Yes, Neelix, make it go," Tom said. The Bad Joke Alert came on again.

Don't you think these episodes are getting far too long? Who the hell was Picacard? Where did Foster's twin come from? You know who I mean. Will Jessie and James make up again? Will the Bad Joke Alert be used again or will it disappear like the er.. bones lock, thingy? Find out the answers to at least a few of these questions next time on Fifth Voyager.

****THE END****

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