Morgan and Tani help a playwright write a Fifth Voyager play along with some familiar actors
Marill as herself
Raichu as herself
Firera as herself
Charizard as himself
Vulpix as herself
Marill & Raichu
7th April 2001
11th January 2005
May 2376 (late season 6)
James and Jessie walked up to Craig's empty table. He was asleep on his arms.
"Let me wake him up," Jessie said. She kneeled down and she screamed into his ear. He jolted awake.
"Woah! Don't do that!" Craig yelled as he rubbed his ear.
"Craig, you sleep in your quarters, not in the Mess Hall," James said.
"I wasn't asleep," Craig muttered.
"Then what were you doing?" Jessie asked.
"Thinking," Craig replied.
"Yeah, we believe you," James muttered. He and Jessie sat down near Craig.
"Any news on the Delta Flyer?" Jessie asked.
"There's still no sign of it," Craig replied as he yawned.
"Don't worry Craig. A few more days and you'll be able to drool over Morgan and Tani again," James said.
"What if they're dead?" Jessie whispered.
"I don't drool!" Craig snapped. James and Jessie burst out laughing.
"Yeah, next thing you'll tell us is that you're gay," James laughed.
"As if," Craig said.
"Janeway to all Senior Staff, report to the Conference Room."
"So much for lunch," Jessie muttered. They hurried out of the room just in time to miss Neelix's new coffee substitute. He put it down on a table and he followed them out of the room.
same yellow planet that's been on the show since Caretaker:
"And I found them lying on the shore. They told me their story, and now I've told you," Kelis said. The Fat Bloke woke up suddenly when everyone started clapping.
"That was brilliant, Kelis," The Fat Man said.
"But it was only five minutes long," the woman next to him whispered.
"Was it?" the Fat Man asked.
"Yup," the woman said.
"Kelis, I want another Fifth Voyager play, next Monday, 9pm on Sky One, right after original Voyager," the Fat Man said.
"Sky One? What is Sky One?" Kelis asked.
"Just do it!" the Fat Man yelled.
"Okay," Kelis muttered. Everyone but the actors left. Six mysterious figures in cloaks walked up to Kelis.
"You must be Kelis," a males voice said.
"We're here to sue you. You are not authorised to write an episode of Fifth Voyager," a woman's voice said.
"Especially when you're doing a crap job of it," a familiar voice said.
"Who are you people?" Kelis asked.
"Prepare for six lots of trouble," another familiar voice said.
"And make it three times more double than usual," the first familiar voice said.
"To protect Voyager from devastation," the first woman's voice said.
"To protect the crew from evil nations," the first guy's voice said.
"To announce the evils of rabbits and love," another familiar voice said.
"To make this site a more popular one," another guy's voice said. Their cloaks disappeared to reveal the three writers and three other people in different outfits.
"Brock," the second guy said.
"Vulpix," the first woman said.
"Charizard," the first lad said.
"Fifth Voyager blasts off at warp speed," Marill said.
"Surrender to us now or prepare to fight," Raichu said.
"Firera! That's right!" Firera yelled.
"You've got very strange names. What are you doing here, are you poets?" Kelis asked. All six fell over in Pokémon style.
"No, dur brain! None of us know how to rhyme stuff," Firera muttered.
"I can teach you," Kelis said.
"No thanks," all said.
"Anyway, you are planning a Fifth Voyager play, I'm afraid that Fifth Voyager belongs to us," Marill said.
"No it doesn't, we only own the new characters," Raichu said.
"Shut up!" Firera & Marill yelled.
"Are you actors? I only have a few actors to play seventeen characters," Kelis asked.
"No, but we do our own Fifth Voyager plays, we can play our characters," Vulpix said.
"No we can't! We're suing him!" Firera yelled.
"Don't be stupid Firera, firstly we don't have the right to sue since we are using Voyager material and secondly this is in the Fifth Dimension! Voyager is not part of a TV show here," Charizard said.
"Oh fine, it'll be fun to do a Fifth Voyager play. We haven't done one in ages," Marill said.
"Great! Who's playing who?" Kelis asked.
"Tani," Marill said.
"Jessie," Firera said.
"James," Charizard said.
"Morgan," Raichu said.
"Craig," Brock said.
"B'Elanna," Vulpix said.
"Meh! That'll do, excuse me," Kelis said and he walked off.
"Erm, is the actors that play Kathy & Chuckles going to kiss in this version too?" Firera asked.
"More than likely, and they're not the only ones," Raichu said.
"Morgan, paper beats rock," Tani said angrily.
"No it doesn't. Rock can rip the paper," Morgan said.
"Who cares! It's just like Game Creatures. Water types can beat grass types by watering it too much but grass types still have an advantage over water types," Tani said.
"This game sucks!" Morgan said huffily. They both heard footsteps outside the shuttle. They both grabbed a phaser and they pointed them at the door. Kelis walked in.
"Oh it's just some ugly guy with rubbish on his forehead," Morgan muttered as she lowered her phaser.
"Who are you?" Tani asked.
"I'm Kelis. The writer of Fifth Voyager," Kelis said.
"Ohno, not more writers," Morgan muttered.
"I need your help. The Fat Bloke wants another Fifth Voyager play," Kelis said.
"Play?" Tani asked.
"Please, I need you to help me with a storyline for 'The Rescue Of Morgan & Tani'," Kelis said.
"I think I prefer the original Fifth Voyager titles," Morgan muttered.
"Will you help me?" Kelis asked.
"What's in it for us?" Morgan asked.
"Cherry Coke, we have an alcoholic version," Kelis said.
"I'm beginning to like this guy. You've got yourself a deal," Morgan said happily.
"Wait a minute. How do you know our names and how do you know that we love Cherry Coke?" Tani asked.
"I checked out your flashy lights thingymajig," Kelis said.
"Computer," Morgan muttered.
"Why did you do that?" Tani asked.
"I was inspired. I thought that if I had a look I would get an idea for a new play," Kelis said.
"That seems harmless," Morgan muttered.
"So what help do you need?" Tani asked.
"I need to write an interesting play. My last one was only five minutes long," Kelis said.
"Geez! That's even worse than 'Hunters' or even 'Worse Case Scenario'," Morgan muttered.
"Morgan, we weren't here when they were written," Tani said.
"Shh! Shut up!" Morgan snapped.
"So, have you got any ideas?" Kelis asked.
"Yeah, of course. Tani, this'll be fun," Morgan giggled.
"Yup, and for having fun we're rewarded with alcoholic Cherry Coke," Tani giggled.
"Great! Lets go back to play place," Kelis said.
"Zzzzzzzzzz," Tuvok snored. Everyone on the night shift burst out laughing.
James and Jessie walked up to him quietly. Jessie pulled out a red highlighter pen. "Jigglypuff," Jessie said in a squeaky voice and she started drawing on Tuvok's face.
James picked up Kiara's Kiara (Lion King Character) cuddly toy, that she had left on Chakotay's chair, and he put it on Tuvok's lap. Both of them giggled and they quickly ran back to their consoles.
Craig walked up behind Tuvok and yelled in his ear. "TUVOK!" he yelled. Tuvok woke suddenly. Everyone laughed at him when they saw his face. He had circles around his eyes to make it look like he had glasses on. His nose was coloured red and he had Dumbo written on his forehead.
"Why is Kiara's toy on my lap?" Tuvok asked quietly. Everyone was in stitches at this point. Tuvok picked up Kiara's toy and he put it back on Chakotay's chair. "What is so funny?" he asked.
"Have you seen your face?" Triah laughed as she pointed at his face. Craig handed him a small mirror. Tuvok's eyes widened when he looked into it.
"Who did this?" Tuvok asked. Angel rings appeared over everyone's heads. Tom chose that moment to walk into the room. He burst out laughing.
"Tuvok! What happened to your face?" Tom laughed. Tuvok stormed out of the room. Tom walked over to Jessie and James who were in stitches. Triah and Craig left the Bridge to go to Sickbay because their stitches were so painful. They obviously couldn't work the lift coz they were laughing so hard so they came back into the Bridge. "I take it you guys were the ones who did it," Tom said.
"Of course not," James laughed.
"What makes you think we'd do something like that?" Jessie laughed.
"For one thing, you two are the only ones with a red highlighter. Secondly, you two cause nothing but trouble," Tom said. Both of them stopped laughing and they glared at him.
"Speak for yourself," Jessie said sternly.
"I don't cause trouble. I'm very good," James said in a small voice. Tom laughed.
"Yeah, and Craig's gay," Tom laughed.
"Why does everybody keep saying that?" Craig yelled, pouting.
"But I am good," James said.
"Aaaw. Leave him alone Tom, you're just being childish," Jessie said.
"Speak for yourself," Tom said in Jessie's voice.
"Tuvok to Taylor. Meet me in my office right away."
"Uhoh," James muttered.
"I'll come with. It was me that drew on his face in the first place," Jessie said.
"You can catch up with him, I want to ask you something in private," Tom said. James slowly headed for the Turbolift.
"Make it quick Tom. I hate talking to you," Jessie said.
"Thanks. Anyway, what was all that about?" Tom asked.
"What do you mean?" Jessie asked.
"That sticking up for him, what was it for, I was only saying that he was badly behaved," Tom said.
"Shut up Tom. Friendship isn't something you understand very well," Jessie said angrily.
"I do understand you nitwit!" Tom snapped.
"Then why are you so cruel to people?" Jessie asked.
"Who was the one who drew on Tuvok's face, who's the ones who beats me up all the time," Tom asked.
"Drawing on Tuvok's face was just for fun. And beating you up is highly deserved, that is the result for being nasty to James and I," Jessie said.
"Somebody's in loooove," Tom said.
"Oooh! Is it with me?" Craig asked. Everyone tried to hold back the vomit.
"Nice way to change the subject, Tom," Jessie muttered.
"I wasn't. I've just figured out why you stick up for James all the time, you have this crush on him don't ya, do you huh, huh, huh?" Tom sniggered. Craig groaned.
"I do admit that he's rather cute but that's all you sicko. Now get out of my way," Jessie said angrily and she left the room.
"Why does nobody call me cute?" Craig moaned.
"Because you're not," Triah replied.
"What's wrong Jess? What did that jerk ask you?" James asked.
"Nought!" Jessie replied angrily. The Turbolift stopped on the deck where Tuvok's office was. They got to Tuvok's office in a few seconds. Jessie came close to smashing the door chime as she pressed it.
The pair made their way into Tuvok's office. He still had pen marks on his face.
"Are you the ones responsible for this?" Tuvok asked as he pointed to the pen marks.
"No sir," James said innocently.
"It was me. You were asleep so I thought it would be fun. You don't have to be a total misery all the time!" Jessie said angrily.
"And Kiara's toy?" Tuvok asked.
"Er, that was me," James said quietly.
"You are both on shuttle building duty. Your first mission is to take a shuttle to find Morgan & Tani. Dismissed," Tuvok said. The pair left the room. Jessie put her middle finger up at the door.
"Jerk!" Jessie snapped.
"Oh come on, Jess. Shuttle Building isn't that bad. It's better than cleaning toilets," James said.
"I suppose so. At least if we take a shuttle to find Morgan and Tani, we'll get rid of Tom for a few days," Jessie said.
"Or we'll crash and then it'll be a week without him," James said.
"What are we waiting for? Lets go," Jessie said and she sped down the corridor.
"This is a great script. It's much better than those so called writers' scripts," Morgan said happily.
"Hey! We're here you know," Marill said angrily.
"Yeah. Anyway this script sucks. I don't want to do that stuff with Charizard," Firera moaned.
"And I don't want to the same kind of stuff with a lad that's two years younger than me," Raichu moaned.
"And I don't want to kiss that alien guy," Vulpix moaned.
"But you're playing B'Elanna, you have to kiss Tom," Tani said.
"I don't care. I quit!" Vulpix yelled.
"Here we go again," Marill muttered.
"Please, nobody else quit, I need you," Kelis said. His girlfriend who plays Seven & Triah walked up to Kelis.
"How come that guy who's going to kiss that Vulpix girl is going to kiss me and the older woman?" she asked.
"Because he plays Tom & Chakotay," Kelis said.
"Since when does Seven kiss Tom?" Charizard asked.
"Since the real episode 'Muse'," Morgan replied.
"Oh yeah, I bet Tom loved that," Charizard muttered.
"Come on, original Voyager is on this Sky One, we'd better practise the kissing scenes again," Kelis said.
"Sickbuckets on stand by," Marill muttered.
A little kid ran off the stage giggling. The actors who were playing Kathryn and Chakotay watched her run off the stage. As soon as she left the pair started kissing again.
Marill & Raichu pretended to be sick. Charizard and Brock burst out laughing and they started saying rude remarks too disgusting to be in a PG episode. Firera and Vulpix looked like they were enjoying the view.
Firera & Charizard walked onto the stage. Firera had this disgusted look on her face. Charizard was just smirking.
"Do I have to?" Firera asked.
"Yup! Charizard give her a big wet one!" Brock yelled. Marill and Raichu pretended to be sick again.
"That's a bit too disgusting for a PG," Marill moaned.
"Didn't stop James in Pokémon did it?" Raichu moaned.
"C'mon, you know the lines," Kelis said.
"The lines by themselves make me sick," Firera muttered.
"It's not you two saying them to each other, it's your characters," Kelis said.
"James and Jessie would never be that mushy," Firera groaned.
"You never know," Morgan said.
"Just get on with it or I'll make it so you can never write again!" Tani yelled.
"Okay," Firera muttered. For several minutes the two exchanged mushy lines which we don't have the stomach to write, and then came the best bit.
"Eeeew, gross," Raichu groaned.
"Okay guys, you can stop now. Guys?" Kelis said loudly. The pair didn't listen to him.
"So the rumours were true," Vulpix muttered.
"I wish they weren't. I really need a sickbucket," Marill groaned.
The last couple stood facing each other. Raichu was a little taller than Brock, she gave him a disgusted glare and she walked off the stage in a huff.
"What's up with her?" Kelis asked.
"Watching people kiss is bad enough," Marill muttered.
"Looks like we'll have to cut out the Morgan and Craig love scene," Kelis moaned.
"Ohno, what a pity," Morgan said huffily as she glared at Tani. She gave her an innocent grin.
"I didn't write that bit, honest! It was Kelis!" Tani muttered.
"I didn't write it. Anyway that scene can't be there coz Morgan is one of the ones who's disappeared. Remember?" Kelis said.
"Oh," everyone said.
Sacajawea aka the Death Trap:
"Okay, we've got the shuttle that has the highest crash history, now lets find a nice planet," Jessie said happily.
"Er, Jess, we're suppose to find Morgan & Tani," James said.
"We'll do that first," Jessie said.
"There is a convenient ship on our starboard bow," James said.
"Oh! I don't want to be blown up! It'll mess up my hair," Jessie moaned. The little monitor on the helm came on. An ugly blob appeared on the screen.
"Ew dévéicer 'n' ssértsid llac morf 'n' elttuhs ekil sruoy. Sti gnimoc morf eht htfif ténalp ni eht Thbéybeubfer metsys," it said.
"Translation please?" Jessie asked. The Universal Translator conveniently started to work.
"We received a distress call from a shuttle like yours. It's coming from the fifth planet in the Thbéybeubfer System," the Universal Translator said.
"Oh cool. Thanks Mr Blob," James said.
"Woh erad uoy tlusni ruo seiceps uoy elttil dratsab!" the Blob said angrily.
"How dare you insult our species you little *******!" the Universal Translator said.
"Uhoh, I hate it when that happens," James muttered.
"Well, we can make a break for it. We'll reach the fifth planet in a few minutes," Jessie said.
"Go then," James said.
The shuttle shot off.
"What lazy writers," Jessie muttered.
The shuttle flew into orbit of the fifth planet.
"Okay, there's a 99.99999999999% chance that we'll crash. I think we should risk it," Jessie said.
"Why not, it'll make a cool special effects scene," James said.
Everyone was asleep as another love scene started. This time it was between Seven and the Doctor. Kelis, Vulpix and Firera were enjoying every second of it. Everyone heard the sound of a shuttle attempting to land. The actors who were playing Seven and the Doctor were about to kiss when a shuttle crashed on top of them. The audience cheered.
"Ohno! My girlfriend!" Kelis screamed.
"Ohno! Our only guy actor!" Morgan yelled. Brock and Charizard groaned.
"Oh wait Kelis. There's your girlfriends feet. Hey. They've got red shoes on. They weren't there before," Tani said.
Morgan picked up the shoes. The woman's feet curled up.
"I knew it. She's the wicked witch of the west or is it the east?" Marill said.
"Okay, this story is getting too dodgy," Vulpix said.
Jessie and James stepped out of the shuttle. Jessie saw the red shoes and she ran over to them.
"Oh! They looked fashionable from a view. They look cheap when you get a closer look," Jessie moaned. Morgan & Tani groaned.
"Hey, this reminds me of The Wizard Of Oz," James said.
"Duh! I think everyone has already guessed that!" Morgan groaned.
"Tell me about this Wizard Of Oz," Kelis said.
The audience was asleep again as the rest of Kelis' actors were acting out the Wizard Of Oz. Kelis ran back stage.
"Okay you writer people, you're on," Kelis yelled.
"Give me those shoes," Raichu said. Morgan handed her the shoes. Raichu put them on. She clicked her heels three times. "There's no place like home!" she yelled frantically over and over again. The others did the same and they all disappeared.
"Damn. That could of been our escape," Morgan groaned.
"Hello sweetheart! Since me and daddy haven't been in this episode we thought we should be the ones to save you and your friends, sweetie pie!" Kathryn's voice said in a hyper voice.
"Oh crap! She's been on the Cherry Coke again," Morgan groaned.
"Which is worse? The Wizard Of Oz or a hyper captain?" Jessie asked.
"Oh the choice," Tani groaned. Suddenly all four beamed away.
"Ohno! I've only got three actors and a few old men! What am I going to do!" Kelis yelled. The Old Man appeared.
"I was the Wizard in my day. You see in my day the Wizard Of Oz was the bad guy and the witch was a..."
Captains Log Supplemental: We rescued the kids. Now we're gonna go home once again. Hehehehehehehehehe! My dog's there. Chakotay, what are you doing with my Cherry Coke? Noooooooooooooooooo!!
at the Hideout:
For some reason everything was in black and white. Everyone was standing around Raichu who had obviously flipped.
"And you were there, and you were there. To be honest you were all there," she was saying.
"Raichu! Shut up! Of course we were all there!" Vulpix yelled.
"Yeah! Quit it with the Wizard Of Oz crap. I hate that film," Marill moaned.
"Hey, where's Firera & Charizard?" Vulpix asked. Brock said something that would be too gross for a 15. Everyone nearly puked up.
"Okay, this episode didn't turn out like expected. Never mind," Marill moaned.
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