(Parts 1 & 2)

Please Note
This episode has been rebooted as Escape From The Curse, but has been placed in the new Season One instead. You can read this one all you like (I'd recommend against it anyway, the new version is far better) but unfortunately the episode in S1 makes this episode not canon anymore. Unfortunately like Secret of Malain there is an incident in this episode regarding a minor character, that would have to be put into a different episode during Season Three's eventual reboot.

This episode is a parody to the fourth Monkey Island game, Escape From Monkey Island. This one was written like this since Monkey 4 has a better storyline, it is more like a movie than a game, and to be perfectly honest most of our parodies of things aren't that good ^_^
Of course, this episode is a sequel to The Secret of Malain, The Revenge and The Curse of the Ring.

Episode Synopsis
While on a visit to an alien homeworld, Nikki and Lisa get arrested. Meanwhile Harry, Craig, Lena and Emma come face to face with Buck.

Guest Stars
Earl Boen
Chris Barrie

Written By
Marill & Vulpix

29th - 31st March 2003

Episode Based In
March 2379


Enterprise Bridge:
Kathryn walked out of the turbolift with a huge grin on her face. "Lena, have you got something for me?" she asked.

Lena looked over her shoulder, "huh?"

"Have you got something for me?" Kathryn asked.

"No mum, I haven't stolen your coffee this time," Lena replied.

"No, it's Mothers Day," Kathryn said.

"Oh yeah, James mentioned he got something for you," Jessie said.

Kathryn turned to Jessie looking shocked, "really? He did?"

"Yeah he wasn't sure whether to get you a slap in the face or a poisoned cup of coffee," Jessie replied.

"Wow, that's harsh," Tom muttered.

"Well actually.. the second one was my idea," Jessie said.

"Two weeks until your wedding, Jessie.. I can easily not marry you and him," Kathryn said.

"Doctor Jones did it for Danny and Ian," Jessie said.

"Damn it, did you have to remember that?" Kathryn said quietly.

"If I remember right Doctor Jones did it for Danny and Ian because he knew how to do a Christian wedding. You know cos Ian's family are dedicated Christians," Tom said.

"And Jessie's family are satanists," Triah said.

"How is my family satanists?" Jessie snapped.

"Well every female is a witch, your mother had you before she turned sixteen, you and her had kids before marriage, I could go on," Triah said.

"Danny and Ian had kids before marriage," Jessie said.

"And come to think of it Danny's mum was under sixteen too," Lena said.

"And I said Ian was the Christian, not Danny," Tom said.

"Plus you can't call James' family Christian either, there is absolutely no respect for the parents," Triah said.

"Exactly," Kathryn said.

"We still could get Doctor Jones to do our wedding," Jessie said.

"I could still disable his program for a certain amount of time," Kathryn said.

"Ok, stop it you two," Lena said.

"Ok I'll stop it, give your mum her mothers day present," Jessie said.

Lena looked embarrassed, "um.."

"You didn't get me a present?" Kathryn asked.

"Oh come on, you asking me for one is just as bad as me not getting you one," Lena replied.

"She has a point," Jessie said.

"You'd agree with anyone that's not me," Kathryn muttered.

"She has a point," Lena said.

"So all three of my children are not giving me any presents?" Kathryn asked.

"Well none of my kids did," Jessie replied.

"Yeah but the oldest is not even two yet, I think he has an excuse," Lena said.

"Oh fine, maybe Yasmin will give me a chain-saw," Kathryn muttered. She walked back into the turbolift.

"I'm counting on it," Jessie said.

Tom shook his head, "you're never going to get married."

"Doctor Jones can do it, he can programme a basic wedding things into his program," Jessie said.

"I told you, just suck up until she marries you. That's what I'm doing," Tom said.

"Funny, I thought you did it all the time anyway," Triah said.

"Huh?" Tom said, sounding confused.

"Well how else did you get to be First Officer?" Triah asked. Tom just stared at her.

Later, Voyager's Conference Room:
The entire main cast were sitting around the table. Chakotay was busy reading from a PADD.

"The natives have their own market place so we can trade stuff there," Chakotay was saying.

"Interesting, what are we trading today?" Tom asked.

"Dunno, it has nothing to do with the story," Chakotay replied.

Harry's eyes widened, "this better not be the Monkey Island parody."

"Um, of course not. Chakotay, organise the team," Kathryn said nervously.

"Right, Harry, Craig, Lisa, Nikki, Emma.." Chakotay started to say. The ones mentioned glanced at him. "And Lena."

Lena's eyes widened, she turned to her dad. "I'm not in this parody series."

"Shh, just an ordinary episode," Chakotay whispered.

"Oh, I get it," Lena said.

"Ordinary? That word should never be used here," Tom said.

PART ONE: Things to do on another island before you reach Janeway's age

The planet:
Lena, Harry, Craig, Lisa, Emma and Nikki were busy walking through an empty marketplace, the only people around kept glancing over at them.

"At least I can rest assured that this is not that stupid final parody to those dumb games," Harry said.

"Tell me about it, the last one was beyond a joke," Craig said.

"There wasn't even any funny jokes in it. Beyond a joke, get it?" Emma said.

"Good example," Harry said.

Suddenly a familiar looking guy stepped out of nowhere and pointed at the team. "There, there they are!" he yelled. A couple of what looked like police officers rushed over to the team, and took a hold of Lisa and Nikki.

"Hey, what's going on?" Harry asked.

"These two girls are under arrest," one police guy replied.

"What for?" Craig asked.

"For being the enemy that's why. Take them away," the police guy replied. Lisa and Nikki were dragged away.

"No you can't.." Lena said quickly. The rest of the police guys pointed guns at the remaining team members. "All right fine, but you've got the wrong girls."

"I highly doubt that," the police guy said. He and the others walked away.

Harry groaned, "ohno."

"What?" Craig said questioningly.

"Lisa and Nikki have just been taken away. Don't you get it? Lisa and Nikki," Harry replied.

"Oh god, this is the Monkey Island parody. Oh damn it!" Craig groaned.

"But I'm here," Lena said.

"It can't be that bad," Craig said quickly.

"You would say that," Emma muttered.

A tall fat guy with a stupid hair cut walked over to the group. "Greetings, I'm the mayor of this island. My name is Charl."

"We're on an island? The only time we're on islands is when we're parodying Monkey Island," Harry grumbled.

"Don't be rude Harry," Lena said. She turned to Charl, "who the hell are you?"

"I've just said, and who are you anyway?" Charl replied.

"I'm Lena, and I didn't mean that. I meant why are you arresting Lisa and Nikki for?" Lena asked.

"His voice sounds familiar," Craig whispered to Harry.

"He smells familiar too," Emma muttered with a repulsed look on her face.

"I'm afraid because your friends are Tolg they have to be put to death. Tolg have been responsible for a lot of damage on this planet," Charl said.

"Tolg? Lisa's not Tolg," Craig said.

"And neither is Nikki, ok Craig," Lena said.

"Yeah, not anymore," Craig said. Lena rolled her eyes.

"I'm afraid it's the rules, they have to die," Charl said.

"Why don't we just take them back to our ship and forget about this," Lena said.

A young woman came over to the group. "What is going on here?" she asked.

The awayteam members glanced back and forth at each other. "Who are you?" Harry asked.

"I'm mayor Elly," the woman replied.

"You're not mayor," Charl said.

"Yes I am, and I will be again," Elly said.

"Sure whatever," Charl muttered. He walked off.

"I'm sorry, he's my opponent in the election," Elly said.

"Oh, so you're the current mayor," Harry said.

"Yes I am, unfortunately Charl has the lead in the polls by making false promises," Elly said.

"So er, this Charl guy arrested our friends.. can you let them go?" Lena asked.

"I'm afraid not," Elly replied.

"But why not?" Harry asked.

"Right now I have no authority," Elly replied.

"So who's in charge?" Craig asked.

"Charl. Whenever he's in the lead of the polls he's in charge," Elly replied.

"But if you had the lead in the polls you'd let them out," Craig said.

"No, the natives will vote for Charl if I do that. Everyone here hate Tolg. I'm sorry," Elly said.

Lena groaned, "great."

"What if we proved that Nikki and Lisa are harmless, then will you let them go?" Harry asked.

"How the hell are you going to do that?" Emma asked.

"For starters keep those two away from any men," Lena replied quietly.

"There is an island nearby that has a company which'll gladly defend your friends, for the right price," Elly said.

"You mean lawyers?" Emma said.

"I don't know what that word is, I'm sorry," Elly said.

"Forget it," Emma muttered.

"Well if you tell us where to go some of us will stay behind and help you win that election," Lena said.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Harry asked.

"She's nicer than the guy," Lena replied.

"Yeah and there's something about him that creeps me out. He seems queer too," Emma said.

"Ok you do what you want," Harry said.

"Well I may as well, I am in charge. Emma, since you're on my side you can help me out here," Lena said.

"That's great, thank you," Elly said.

"So it looks like it's just you and me going to that island," Craig said.

"Oh dear god, why me?" Harry moaned.

Elly smiled, "oh yes.. the island's location." She pulled out a map and she handed it to Harry. "The port five minutes away will gladly let you use a boat. That's my mayor map so they'll know I sent you."

"Great, at least we don't have to solve any puzzles to get a boat this time," Craig said.

"You call dressing up like a giant chicken solving a puzzle?" Harry said.

Lena tried to keep a straight face, "you dressed up like a chicken?"

"Not intentionally," Craig replied, blushing madly.

"Yeah sure," Emma laughed.

The port:
Craig and Harry were standing in front of their boat, a short podgy guy was standing next to it. Craig glanced at Harry with a scared look on his face, "it's pink."

"A female mayor's ship, we should have known," Harry muttered.

"Aye, where do you want to go?" the guy asked.

Harry looked at the map, "some island called Looker. Gee, is Craig allowed to go there?"

"Huh, what?" Craig muttered.

"Good for you that it isn't called Clever," Harry said.

"Ok, speak English," Craig said. Harry groaned.

Looker Island:
Craig and Harry were wandering around a small old fashioned town. They went inside a dark depressing looking building, inside were three guys sitting at a long table.

"Erm hi, are you Looker Island's.." Harry started to say.

"Yoishers yes, we are the best in this area," one of the guy's said.

"Why can't they just be called lawyers?" Craig asked quietly.

"So which company do you want us to sue today?" Yoisher 2 asked.

"Well it's not a company. Two friends of ours have been locked up because the natives think they're Tolg," Harry replied.

"Are they Tolg?" Yoisher 3 asked.

"One's an ex Tolg," Craig replied.

"Hmm I see, an ex Tolg," Yoisher 1 muttered.

"Can you help us out?" Harry asked.

"Of course, for a small deposit of course," Yoisher 3 replied.

"Um, we don't have any money," Harry said.

"Then you'll have to get some, we cannot help you if we don't receive a deposit," Yoisher 1 said.

"Craig go get some," Harry said.

"Oh I get it, I always have to do the dirty work," Craig muttered. He walked out.

The Looker Bank:
Craig was standing behind a tall guy in a small queue. The tall guy was talking to a young woman behind the desk.

"Are you stupid, I really need that money," the tall guy was saying angrily.

"I'm sorry sir, we can't just let anyone withdraw money," the woman said.

"I'm not just anyone, I am the mayor of this island! Oh forget it, I'll come back later," the tall guy said. He stormed out of the bank.

"He needs some coffee, doesn't he?" Craig said.

"Yes sir, what can I do for you?" the woman asked.

"I'd like to borrow some money," Craig replied.

"How much sir?" the woman asked.

"Oh crap, I don't know.. Do you know how much the Yoishers next door expect as a deposit?" Craig replied.

"Sir, can I give you a bit of advice? The Yoishers next door prefer special items instead of money," the woman said.

"Really, I'll still need the money," Craig said.

The woman turned to a small guy nearby. "Sir, this gentleman needs to use the vault."

The small guy waddled over. "So we have the third person today who needs the Yoishers legal help."

"Just go on through sir," the woman said.

Craig went around the desk as the small guy opened a large safe door. Craig and him went through the safe door. The guy pulled out a chest and he put it on a table, he opened it.

"Just look through it to see what you want. Call me when you find something," the guy said. He went out of the safe.

Craig started to look through the chest, a little while later a guy dressed up like him came in and pointed a gun at him.

"Who the hell are you?" Craig asked.

"Isn't it obvious, I'm Craig Anderson," the guy replied.

"No you're not, I'm much better looking than you are," Craig said.

"That's enough, take a look at the last face you'll ever see," the guy said as he took off a mask.

"Did you say that to warn me, I think I'm going blind," Craig muttered.

The guy growled, he picked up the chest and he ran out of the room. He slammed the door shut behind him.

Harry looked outside the building, he saw police officers outside the bank, and the thief was running away from the police officers. Just then Craig stepped out of the bank.

"Craig, what's going on?" Harry asked.

The police officers remaining pointed guns at Craig. "You are under arrest," one said.

"Craig, what have you done this time?" Harry asked.

"It wasn't me, it was the masked guy," Craig replied.

"Yes, that's what they all say," the police officer said.

Later, the prison:
Craig was behind the bars, Harry was standing nearby smirking, and a police officer was standing opposite.

"I told you, I was framed," Craig said.

"Want a breathmint?" Harry asked.

"Oh ha ha, very funny," Craig muttered.

"I'm afraid he's going to be in here a while, unless you can prove his 'innocence'," the police officer sniggered.

"How the hell can I do that?" Harry asked.

"Find the real culprit, proof he was there, and proof that he took the chest," the police officer replied.

"Why would anyone want to steal that chest of junk anyway," Craig muttered.

"Thats a thing, he was caught without the chest.. and I saw a guy run away from the scene. Police officers ran after him. Are you people stupid?" Harry said.

"The one that ran off must of been a decoy, he must of took the chest. Besides the workers of the bank saw the real robber," the police officer said.

"I didn't hear an answer," Craig said.

Harry sighed, "ok, I'd better go and clear your name. I doubt the lawyers will want to help us now."

"We'll just have to do a really illegal thing to get them out then," Craig said.

"Ah hem," the police officer coughed.

"Ah crap," Craig groaned.

"He always jokes about stuff like that, see ya," Harry said. He rushed out.

Elly, Lena and Emma were at the far end of a busy pub, Charl was at the other side on his own.

"Trust me I have an idea," Lena said.

"I still say we should just kill him," Emma said.

"Emma, are you trying to get us arrested too?" Lena asked. Emma shrugged.

"The debate's about to start, what's your idea?" Elly asked.

Lena passed her a piece of paper, "that's your debate. Good luck."

Elly and Charl stood by separate tables, as they did the crowd gathered around. "Ah hem. Members of Selee Island, as we approach the end of the 24th century.."

Emma glanced at Lena, she just shrugged. "I couldn't think of a way to start it."

"Can we really ensure the safety of this island to a man with no past, no experience, a man who doesn't even like other victims to the Tolg. Common sense says no!" Elly yelled over the noise. The crowd cheered.

"My opponent is right. I am a newcomer to this island, and my experience is minimal at best. But this island needs more than a cute little girl in charge. It needs a mayor who mingles in with the natives, a man who can promise good times and free booze!" Charl yelled. The crowd cheered louder than before.

Lena groaned, she fired a phaser at the ceiling. Everyone stopped and stared at her. "Are you people stupid? You don't really expect Charl to give you good times and free booze. Right?"

The crowd started chanting the word booze over and over again. Emma quickly joined in. Lena and Elly stared at her, she tried her best to look innocent. "Vote for Elly," she said quietly.

Looker Island:
Harry was outside the bank, talking to the short bank guy.

"Oh come on, Craig has a sponge as a back bone. Do you really think he'd have the guts to rob the bank?" Harry asked.

"I saw him. He went into the safe with me, I left him for a few seconds and he came back out for some reason. He went back in and stole the chest," the bank guy said.

Harry glanced around with an eyebrow raised. "If he intended to steal it you'd think he wouldn't waste time going out and going back in again."

The bank guy looked nervous, "maybe he changed his mind for a moment."

"Ookay, can I have a look in the bank?" Harry asked.

"Of course not, that has been closed for police inspection," the bank guy replied.

"Have any police guys been inside?" Harry asked.

"Um no," the bank guy replied.

"Of course not," Harry muttered and he walked off. He then climbed in the nearest window, that was conveniently open of course.

He looked around the room, he heard a buzzing noise coming from above. He looked up and he saw a video camera, he just stared at it blankly.

A little while later:
The police guy who was guarding Craig was standing around doing nothing. Harry came in, tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and the video camera was shoved in his face.

"To save me a little effort why don't we just look at this," Harry said.

"How did you get that?" the police guy asked.

"The bank guy let me in, um.. can we look at it?" Harry replied.

"Ok," the police guy said.

"How come no one thought about looking at that before?!" Craig yelled.

"Well Monkey Island is based around the 17th century, I think.. they didn't have video cameras back then," the police guy replied.

"Oh but the main character knows about computer games and the internet," Harry muttered.

"Internet huh?" the police guy muttered, sounding a little too interested.

"Can we watch the video tape!?" Craig yelled.

"Yes, you don't have to yell about it," the police guy replied.

"It can't be that bad in there," Harry said.

"The guy I'm sharing this with smells really bad," Craig said quietly.

"Maybe I should give him the breathmint," Harry said.

The police guy put a tape into a video machine, he watched it for a few seconds. "Oh, that's NoNose Peter."

"Who the hell is that?" Harry asked.

"He's the biggest thief on this island, he is impossible to catch," the police guy replied.

They then heard some commotion from outside, Harry and the police guy ran out. They both saw the guy who robbed the bank trying to mug an old lady. The old lady pulled a huge machine gun out of her bag and aimed it at the guy. He ran off screaming.

"Shouldn't you follow him?" Harry asked.

"Nah, my programming doesn't allow me to go any further," the police guy replied.

"Fine, I'll do it," Harry said. He followed NoNose Peter.

"Hey, someone let me out, please!" Craig yelled.

"Ooops, I forgot about that," the police guy said.


End of Part I

Part II


A little while later:
NoNose Peter ran towards a small lake, he then jumped into the water. Harry came onto the scene, "so glad I can hold my breath for ten minutes." He jumped in after him.

Thirty seconds later:
Harry surfaced desperately trying to get his breath back. "No.. I can't."

He pulled himself out of the water, and sorted his hair out. He then spotted a trap door behind a tree, he groaned and he went towards it.

The prison, a long while later:
Harry stumbled through the door, still soaking wet but now complete with a cut hand. The other hand was dragging a chest behind him.

"What happened to you?" Craig asked.

Harry stared at him. "I went to swim in a piranha tank, what do you think?"

The police officer took the chest off of Harry. "Good work."

"So do we get anything for all our trouble?" Craig asked.

Harry shook his head, "my trouble, my trouble."

"I suppose the bank won't mind if you took a few items. You were going to take some anyway," the police guy replied.

"Oh that's great," Harry said sarcastically.

"Of course it is, we can pay the lawyers," Craig said.

"With this crap?" Harry said.

"Er yeah," Craig said.

"Yeah right, let's go," Harry said. He picked up a few items from the chest and left the building. Craig groaned and he followed him.

Selee Island:
"This cannot be right," Elly said.

"I'm afraid so, Charl's stupid campaign has put him 25% above in the polls," Lena said.

"How far ahead was he before?" Emma asked.

"About 24%," Elly replied.

"See, it's working," Emma said. Lena and Elly stared at her, looking very confused. Harry and Craig came into the room. "Oh hey look, Harry and Craig are back."

"Well how did it go?" Lena asked.

"The lawyers need a 'small' deposit," Harry replied.

"Which we do have but Harry doesn't like me being right, so he ignored me," Craig said.

"It's ok, if we can get the election to turn around I'll be able to release Lisa and Nikki after all," Elly said.

"How?" Harry asked.

"By calling them Tolg victims in the debate, the people seemed to agree," Elly replied.

"Until Charl decided to bribe everyone with free booze," Lena said.

"Oh there's something else you have to be aware of," Craig said.

"What's that?" Lena asked.

"We picked up a lot of junk, and one of the things we picked up is this," Craig replied. He handed Lena a weird picture.

"Um, nice," Lena muttered. Elly looked at the picture and she gasped in shock.

"That's a picture of the Ultimate Mockery," Elly said.

"Uh huh, is it a picture of someone putting their fingers up or something?" Emma asked.

"No, it's a picture of a dangerous staff that can make anyone a nervous wreck," Elly replied.

"Ok, what else did you get?" Lena asked.

"Two objects that look like they are part of the device," Craig replied. He handed Elly and Lena a silver head thing, and a bronze hat.

"All we need is the gold statue to complete it. We cannot let this get into the wrong hands," Elly said.

"Do you think this is the reason why this NoNose Peter guy stole the chest with this stuff in?" Harry asked.

"Yes, it's very likely. I think we should find the last piece and destroy the whole thing," Elly replied.

The door suddenly burst open, Charl strolled in. Elly quickly hid her piece behind her back. "Hello all."

"Charl, get out of my house!" Elly yelled.

"Now now, Miss Elly.. there is no need for hostility," Charl said.

"I don't care what the polls say, the citizens will see through your lies and empty promises," Elly said.

Charl laughed, "the citizens can't even see through a window. They can't see what's right in front of them."

"What are you talking about?" Craig asked.

"Only the biggest lie in front of them all," Charl replied. He then changed shape and turned into Buck.

"Buck, oh crap," Harry groaned.

"At your service," Buck said.

"Who is this?" Elly asked.

"Oh, a Tolg," Harry replied.

"Ha, how do you expect to win the election when I tell everyone you're really a Tolg," Elly said.

"Doesn't matter, it will only help me win," Buck said.

"Oh god, now I know who he is.. he's the one who wore the tutu," Lena muttered. Emma shuddered.

"Why on earth do you want to become mayor of this island?" Harry asked.

"And how did you get here?" Craig asked.

"Um well, there's a gate on this planet and I want to be the mayor because... Uh, as soon as I win the election I will learn the secrets of the Ultimate Mockery and use it to make Lisa my bride," Buck replied. He headed for the door, as he did he turned back into Charl. He slammed the door shut behind him.

PART TWO: Enter a bad part name here

"Ok, what do we do now?" Harry asked.

"Well we really do have to win this election, so we'll get on that. You two are going to have to get the final piece, and destroy the whole device," Lena replied.

"Can't we help with the election?" Harry groaned.

"You are helping, ok see ya," Lena said, she walked off. Emma and Elly followed her.

"So where is that stupid statue thing?" Craig asked.

"I dunno," Harry replied.

Craig sighed, "this is going to be a long episode."

Harry shrugged he headed for the main door, he passed a gold statue as he did. Craig followed him, he stopped and walked backwards. He looked at the statue.

"Uh, Harry," Craig said.

"What?" Harry groaned, he turned around.

"Will this do?" Craig asked.

"That was easy, now all we have to do is destroy it," Harry replied.

A little while later, the town hall:
Charl, Elly, Lena and Emma were standing outside the hall. The citizens were all going into the hall. Elly was busy handing out leaflets saying Charl is a Tolg on them.

"Oh come on, Charl is a Tolg.. can't you tell by the smell," Emma said to a guy. He ignored her and went into the hall. A few more people went inside.

"Oh well, that about wraps things up, I'd better pack my things and get ready to move into the mayor's mansion," Charl said. He walked off laughing.

Harry and Craig were heading towards the mansion. "You'd think fire would work on metal, but nooo," Harry moaned.

"I still say we should have melted it and then put it in the water," Craig said.

They both walked inside the mansion, they saw Buck sitting at one of the tables laughing evily.

"Elly, you look a little different," Craig said. Harry rolled his eyes.

"That's mayor Buck to you, you little piece of toilet dirt," Buck said as he stood up.

"Ouch, that hurt," Craig muttered.

"No way, you couldn't of won the election," Harry said.

"Yes way," another voice said. The tall guy from the bank came into the main room with a gun, he stood beside Buck.

"Ok, this is weird. Are you working for Buck?" Craig asked as he and Harry put their hands up.

"No Anderson, Buck is working for me," the tall guy replied.

"That would make me feel better if I knew who you were," Harry said.

"Would I look familiar if I spiked my hair up?" the tall guy said.

Harry and Craig glanced at each other. "Ohno, please don't tell me.." Harry groaned.

"That's right, I'm Damien," the tall guy said.

"I bet you definitely feel better now," Craig said sarcastically.

"Captain Buck, will you relieve them of the Ultimate Mockery?" Damien asked.

"It'll be a pleasure, Mr Damien," Buck replied.

"Don't do it Buck, he wants to use it to get his own back on us," Craig said.

"So?" Buck said as he snatched the pieces off the two.

"Way to convince him Craig," Harry said sarcastically.

"Of course he knows all my plans," Damien said.

"But why Buck, we're such good pals?" Craig asked. Harry shook his head.

"Well I'll gladly tell you Pansy Anderson," Buck replied.

"Ohno," Harry groaned.

"Mr Damien got me out of that icy grave that you put me in and.." Buck said.

"We didn't do that, the writers got bored before they got to that part," Craig said.

"Fine, Damien told me about a device called the Ultimate Mockery so I gladly offered to help him out," Buck said.

"Ok, but what good is it going to do?" Harry asked.

"Well this'll help me take over Earth and the solar system again. Those punk Tolg destroyed most of my well earned ships, and those punk Ligers helped the Federation retake their precious planet," Damien replied.

"Yeah I hate them," Harry said sarcastically.

"And I will use it to get what I've always wanted in life or death," Buck said.

"You don't mean.." Craig said.

"Yes, Lisa Lillis' hand in marriage," Buck said.

"I'm sure her hand and you will live happily ever after," Craig said.

"Ok, I really don't need you," Buck said angrily. He pushed Craig roughly.

"Buck no, we need both of them as hostages," Damien said.

"Yeah hostages. Besides I think Lisa's hand is too good for you anyway," Craig said.

"Are you sure I can't kill him, I left him alive before and it's always a big mistake," Buck said.

"Left me alive? When did you do that?" Craig asked. Harry shrugged.

"I see your point. Maybe we should store the twerps in an inescapable place where they can't do any harm. At least then they can still be hostages and not affect our plans," Damien said.

"Ah ha, that's a really good idea. I know just the place too, mwahahahahahaha," Buck laughed.

"Mwahahahahahaha," Damien laughed.

Harry and Craig glanced at each other, they shrugged. "Mwahahahahaha, ah ha," they both laughed, not very well.

PART THREE: Escape From Hell Itself.. why did we call this episode that??

Harry and Craig woke up on a lovely white beach, for some reason they were missing their shoes.

"Oh god, where are we?" Harry groaned.

Craig looked around, he spotted a sign saying 'Welcome to Malain Moon Number 1.' "Ohno, we're on Malain's moon again."

"Oh crap," Harry groaned.

"There's nothing to worry about, that gate will be around here somewhere," Craig said.

"Yeah you're right, yeesh Buck is really stupid," Harry said.

"Not that stupid, we have no idea how to use the damn things," Craig said.

"If you're going to put me down do it before you give out the good news," Harry said.

"It wouldn't of made sense that way," Craig said.

"I suppose so. I wonder what happened to Lena and Emma," Harry said.

"I dunno, I hope Lena's ok," Craig said.

Harry cleared his throat, "and Emma too."

"Sure, whatever. Lena is my girlfriend and Emma's yours right," Craig said.

"No, just forget it," Harry muttered.

Meanwhile, Selee Island:
The citizens were busy making a huge statue. Lena and Emma were hiding in an alley way, watching them.

"I hope Elly has gone to get help or something," Emma said.

"I doubt it," Lena said.

"I wonder why Buck's making them build that statue," Emma said.

"Yeah, it's got nothing to do with the Ultimate Mockery," Lena said.

"Do you think Harry and Craig are ok? They must of destroyed the device, right?" Emma asked.

"Probably.. hey what's that smell?" Lena replied. She and Emma both heard a gun being loaded very nearby. They both turned and they saw NoNose Peter pointing a gun at them.

"The mayor and Damien want to ask you a few questions," NoNose Peter said.

"Did he say Damien?" Emma asked.

"Oh yeah," Lena replied.

"Listen we've got to clean our eyes out after seeing you, so.." Emma said.

"Nice try, I really must insist you come with me," NoNose Peter said.

"Damn," Lena muttered.

Malain's Moon:
Harry and Craig were wandering around the jungle looking a bit sorry for themselves. They eventually entered what was left of the theme park, it was empty and falling to bits.

"We know for starters that the gate is around here somewhere," Harry said.

Craig nodded, he looked around. "What the hell is that thing?"

Harry turned to look at what Craig was looking at. Nearby was a huge robot that looked like a monkey. "Hmm, looks like a dumb ride," Harry said.

"Let's check it out," Craig said, he went towards the robot.

"Oh yeah, that'll help matters," Harry muttered as he followed him.

A little while later, inside the now walking monkey robot:
"Remind me again why I hang around with you," Harry muttered.

"Shut up, it's not my fault the monkey ride has a mind of it's own," Craig said.

"A mind of it's own? I thought you were the one driving it," Harry said.

"Er no," Craig said.

Harry stood up, he looked out the main window. He saw they were now near three tall towers. "What are those?"

"Oh my god, this must be what Damien's going to use to brainwash everyone in the area," Craig replied.

"What gave you that idea?" Harry asked.

"Well one of the towers has a picture of a rabbit on it," Craig replied.

"Oh, I noticed that.. just testing you," Harry said.

"What do we do?" Craig asked.

"Get this thing under our control, switch the towers off and go back to that planet," Harry replied.

"Why don't we press the 'autopilot' button off," Craig suggested.

"Well that would be a good idea," Harry said.

Craig pressed the button and he started fiddling with the nearby station. "Hey, we could make the monkey dance."

"Oh yeah, I think we have time," Harry said sarcastically.

"Spoil sport," Craig muttered.

PART FOUR: Everyone kicks Buck's scratchy butt

Selee Island:
Lena and Emma were standing nearby the table with their hands tied up. Damien was sitting at the table. Buck put all three pieces together to make a stupid looking device. "Ah ha, we have our Ultimate Mockery."

"Give it here," Damien said.

"Oh come on, I want to use it on Lisa," Buck said.

"Plenty of time, they won't be put up for execution until tomorrow," Damien said. He stood up and went over to a weird machine.

Buck pushed Lena and Emma forward, they all followed Damien.

"Maybe we should test it first. Oh NoNose," Damien said.

"Oh for god's sake, I'm sick of following orders," NoNose Peter groaned. He pointed a gun at Damien.

"Really, how about now," Damien said. He pointed the Ultimate Mockery at NoNose Peter, it fired a beam at him. A few seconds later he was a quivering wreck.

"I'll do anything you want me to, sir," NoNose Peter stuttered.

"Ok, jump off a cliff," Damien ordered.

"Yes sir," NoNose Peter said. He rushed out. All that was heard was NoNose Peter screaming, "goodbye cruel Monkey Island parody!"

"Now to spread an unholy terror through the entire Delta Quadrant, mwahahahaha," Damien laughed. He pointed the device at the machine.

"No!" Emma and Lena yelled dramatically. Buck scratched his butt to spoil the dramatic moment.

"Hey, something should have happened by now. Where's the Quadrant sized boom?" Damien said angrily.

"Oh I knew this wouldn't work! It just goes to show that you can't let a rabbit obsessed moron do the work of a real villain!" Buck yelled. He ran out of the building.

"Buck, get back here and help me fix this thing!" Damien yelled after him.

Lena smiled in a devious way, "oh Damien." She threw away the snapped ropes that she was tied up with, she jumped onto Damien. Emma struggled against the ropes looking a little helpless.

Meanwhile Buck ran up to the now completed statue in the town centre, he jumped right into it.

The monkey robot arrived on the coast, nearly stepping on NoNose Peter's body at the bottom of the cliff. "Ok, you stay behind," Craig said.

"Fine with me, I'll get Lisa and Nikki out of the prison," Harry said.

Craig got out of the robot and he ran towards the path up the cliff. He stopped next to NoNose Peter, "eew, what a rotten looking pizza.. oh that's not a pizza."

Back at the mansion Damien had thrown the Ultimate Mockery towards Emma. Lena pushed Damien away and went for it, he then pointed the gun at her. "Stop, hold it!" Lena turned around holding the Ultimate Mockery, Emma hinted to her about the ropes. "Hand it over or I kill you both."

Craig rushed into the room, Lena and Emma quickly glanced at him. Lena quickly threw the Ultimate Mockery to him, "Craig, catch it!" Craig tried to but it just bounced off his head. Damien grabbed it.

"I don't know how you annoying sissys ruined my machine, but at least I can use the Ultimate Mockery on you," Damien said angrily. The entire building shook violently.

"Quick, let's get out of here," Craig said. He, Lena and Emma ran out.

"You won't get away from me," Damien said and he ran after them. Lena, Craig and Emma stopped suddenly, Damien ran into the back of Craig by accident. "What is that?" Damien asked in a stuttery voice. The statue of Buck was now standing in front of them.

"Ah, you all look like ants from up here," the Buck statue said.

"Am I the only one who sees a huge talking Buck statue in front of us?" Lena asked calmly.

"Uh no," Craig muttered.

"Ok," Lena said a little more nervous than before. She, Craig, Emma and Damien then ran away in different directions. Buck grabbed Damien and then Lena with his large hands.

"Oh crap, hang on Lena.. we'll get help," Craig said.

"Can someone untie me?" Emma asked angrily.

Craig ran off, dragging Emma by the arm.

"I didn't picture dying like this," Lena muttered.

"Oh don't worry, you're not going to die like this. I think you'll be a pretty bridesmaid for my wedding to Lisa," Buck said.

"Oh, I can't be the bridesmaid, I'm a one for another wedding soon," Lena said.

Damien tried to fire the Ultimate Mockery at Buck with no luck. "Hey, let go of me you stupid thing!"

"You stupid fool, you think you can use a device like that on the almighty power of Buck," Buck said angrily. Damien fired it towards Buck's eyes, he then looked brainwashed afterwards.

"That's better," Damien said.

"How can I serve you?" Buck asked.

"Well I want you to crush Voyager if it tries to land here, but first I want you to kill those pesky crewmembers," Damien replied.

The monkey robot was standing next to the now quite damaged prison. Lisa and Nikki were just standing with several inmates nearby it. "What the hell is that?" Lisa asked.

"I don't want to know," Nikki replied.

Craig and Emma ran over to them. "Ok you lot take cover, I'll be right back," Craig said. He ran inside the robot.

"Is anyone going to untie me?" Emma asked. Lisa and Nikki shrugged.

Craig ran up to Harry, "come on we have to get this robot moving now."

"What's going on now?" Harry asked.

"Uh, look on the rear screen," Craig stuttered.

Harry looked at the rear screen, he rubbed his eyes afterwards. "Is that a really big Buck?"

"Hey Voyager pests, where did you get that ridiculous looking thing!?" Damien yelled from on top of Buck's head.

"Who cares, just give us the Ultimate Mockery and we won't use it to destroy you," Harry said.

"Sure like you could beat Buck with a robot," Damien said.

"Oh yeah?" Harry said. He pressed some controls, the robot jumped forward, right into Buck. He stumbled backwards a bit, Damien grabbed onto something but dropped the Ultimate Mockery when he did.

"Quick get it, I can't catch it," Emma said.

"Um right," Lisa said. She picked up the Ultimate Mockery and stared at it in a weird way. "What the hell is it?"

"No, Buck, get that back!" Damien yelled.

Buck let go of Lena, she fell to the ground. He then grabbed Lisa instead.

"Oh god, I'd better get Lena, she's hurt," Craig said.

"What about your friend, she's been captured," Harry asked.

"Oh, why me!" Craig yelled as he ran out of the robot.

"Ok Lisa, give that device to me," Damien said.

"Hell no," Lisa said.

"Ok, crush her," Damien ordered.

Nikki cringed, "eew, I don't want to watch."

Craig joined Nikki, Emma and Lena on the ground. Lena was badly hurt but still conscious. "What do we do?" Emma asked.

Craig gained a lightbulb above his head. "Lisa, take the thing apart, and throw a few parts to us!"

Lisa nodded, "right."

"No! Crush her!" Damien yelled. Buck ignored him.

"Oh well Buck's crush on Lisa's a little useful now," Emma said.

Lisa pulled the bronze hat off the device, when she did it glowed. "Um, is it meant to do that?"

"Oh crap, I don't think so," Craig replied.

"Ohno, we'd better get away," Lena said.

"Everyone in the robot," Craig ordered.

Nikki and Emma didn't argue, they went inside. Craig helped Lena to her feet. "Aren't you going?" Lena asked.

"No, I have to help Lisa," Craig replied.

"Fine, I'll stay too," Lena said. She looked up at the robot, "Harry get that thing out of here now!"

"Um, aye Captain," Harry said nervously. The robot then went away.

The bronze hat that Lisa was holding burst into flames suddenly. Damien screamed, "no!" Lisa then pulled the statue and the silver head thing apart.

"No, don't do that!" Craig yelled.

"Come on, we have to get out of here," Lena said.

"But what about Lisa?" Craig stuttered. Lena didn't answer, she dragged him away with her.

Suddenly the whole Buck statue exploded, throwing Lena and Craig to the ground. They both sat up and looked back at where the statue once was. Now there was just a huge hole in the ground, with smoke coming off it.

"Oh my god, Lisa.." Craig said quietly.

Lena looked nervous, "maybe she got out in time."

The robot arrived back on the scene. Harry, Emma and Nikki rushed out and joined Craig and Lena.

"Did you get Lisa out?" Harry asked. Lena shook her head.

"So she got blown up, oh well I suppose it's better than being crushed," Emma said. Everyone stared at her in disgust, she looked really embarrassed "Sorry."

The next day, the Enterprise:
Craig was sitting at a table drinking alcohol, looking really sorry for himself. Lena came over to the table and she sat down next to him.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I shouldn't of told her to break the damn thing, it's my fault she's dead," Craig replied.

"Ok, let's go back in time. If you hadn't of told her to do that, how would she have survived? We couldn't exactly have climbed up the statue and broke her free. At least this way she died a hero," Lena said.

"That doesn't make me feel better," Craig muttered.

Lena sighed, "how long have you known her anyway?"

"Since the Marquis, we made friends after my mum was killed on a mission. She was there for me, shows how much of a friend I was," Craig replied.

"Craig it was a no win situation, you tried your best," Lena said.

"Did she die thinking that, or did she die blaming me?" Craig asked.

"Well.." Lena said.

"No, she probably died thinking that all I cared about was you. You're the only person I went to," Craig said.

"You didn't though, you checked to see if I was ok and then tried to help her. Look Craig you're never going to feel better if you think this way. She died a hero, a lot of people would rather die like that, and I know she was one of them. You're ruining it by thinking like that," Lena said.

"Yeah, you're right," Craig muttered.

"She's probably happy that she died saving us.. you helped her be a hero. Remember that everytime you feel like blaming yourself," Lena said.

"Thanks Lena. I can't help thinking though what would be my reaction if it was you instead of her," Craig said.

"My guess is you'd be the same," Lena said.

"Wanna bet?" Craig said.

Third Dimension, Durham:
Marill and Vulpix were standing outside a police station, looking bored stiff. Raichu stepped out of the building looking a little happy.

"I'm free finally. Now can we do the next parody's theme music?" Raichu asked.

"Vulpix tell her," Marill said.

"We just finished the episode," Vulpix said in a smug fashion.

Raichu looked shocked, "you wrote it instead of me!?"

"Hey it's not my fault you kept getting arrested," Vulpix said.

"Fine, I'll just do the next episode with Marill," Raichu said.

Vulpix looked like she was going to cry, "no not Holy Matrimony!"

"Oh yeah," Raichu said, sounding even more smug than Vulpix was before.

Marill sighed, "I think I'd better continue my plans for revenge on Asda."

Some police officers came out and arrested Marill, they dragged her inside.

"Now can I write the next one?" Vulpix asked.

Raichu pretended to think about it, "no." She walked off laughing. Vulpix just pouted.

Who will write Holy Matrimony? Will Lucas Arts make another Monkey Island game? If they do will we parody that one too? Who will Damien posses next time? What happened to his last host? Did Yasmin get a chain-saw for Janeway as a mother's day present after all? Why oh why did Asda stop selling Cherry Coke at this time of year again? And why the hell are they selling their own version of Coke with Vanilla?
Find out the answers to just one of these questions in the next installment of Fifth Voyager!


****THE END****