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9th, 24th September, 3rd, 24th & 27th October 2004

Altered Scene 1 Written
21st October 2011

Altered Scene 2 Written
(inspired by this, also done by me)
20th October 2011


Three days earlier
Holodeck Two:
Jessie was standing nearby the wall, with folded arms, "so do you have to go back to Doc's hospital?"

"Computer end program," James said, heading over to her. "No, unless I try to kill Tom again. He keeps hiding still so that should be pretty easy."

"What did he do to annoy you that much anyway?" Jessie asked.

"He was himself," James replied.

"Oh, stupid question," Jessie said, trying not to laugh.

"Seska said something about a trigger after a mini evil discussion with Cullah, so she must have done something," James muttered. "I'm done trying to figure it out."

"I take it the Doc didn't find anything," Jessie said.

The holodeck doors opened, but they both ignored it. "He thinks it's a very small chip, thing. Whatever it is, it's not doing anything," James said.

"Hi James, long time no see," Zare said as she walked over to them.

Jessie rolled her eyes, "great, I would have preferred long time never see."

James obviously didn't hear her, "hey Zare."

"I've heard you been naughty. Who did you kill?" Zare asked, folding her arms.

"Nobody, it was a nearly," James replied.

"Speaking of..." Jessie muttered to herself.

Ligod walked over, "ah James, it's good to see you."

James pulled a face as he looked over in his direction. Zare shrugged her shoulders, "sorry, he just follows me around."

"You know that we're on our way to that planet," Ligod muttered.

"Geez Ligod, don't take everything seriously," Zare groaned.

Ligod's face lit up, "ah, so you weren't actually insulting me."

"Um yeah, I just wanted to tell you to stop taking everything seriously," Zare muttered, rolling her eyes.

"You're on route to a planet, let me guess, another suicide mission?" James questioned.

"Most probably," Zare said.

"You mean you don't know yet? Why doesn't that surprise me," James said.

Ligod folded his arms, "you two will never leave me alone about that, will you?"

"No," Zare and James replied, shaking their heads.

"Well, I'll leave you Slayer type people to it then," Jessie muttered, she headed for the doors.

James frowned, "uh Jess, are you ok?"

Jessie turned around, "yes of course I am, why wouldn't I be? I'm not bothered about you hanging with Zare, so I'm leaving you with her. How strong am I?" She headed out muttering to herself.

"She's still bitter?" Zare questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"No, well I thought she wasn't," James replied.

Ligod looked interested all of a sudden, "oh, bitter about what?"

"I thought we sorted it out," James said.

Zare shrugged, "maybe she isn't, maybe she's just crazy. For all I know, that's a symptom of dating you."

James narrowed his eyes as he turned his head in her direction. Ligod meanwhile looked annoyed himself, "stop ignoring me will you."

"So, I'm finished here, wanna go?" James asked.

"Sure," Zare replied. She and James headed out too.

Ligod growled, "hey, are you two not going to tell me?" As soon as they left he groaned, "I'll find out myself."

James and Zare picked up speed to catch up with Jessie. Ligod was right behind them, he tried to push in between them but kept failing.

"By the way I would really like to meet your Doctor. I would like to see the program he used," Ligod said.

Zare glanced back at him, "you need a life, god."

"That's Ligod," Ligod grumbled.

"Yeah Zare get it right, he's no god," James said.

Zare frowned, "god, didn't actually know that was a real word."

"It's some guy actually, you know religious creator guy," James said.

Zare raised an eyebrow, "that's a stupid name for it."

"Don't I know it. Stupid name for a stupid guy," James said. "Only stupid guys would create such a messed up race and planet."

Zare smiled, she tried not to laugh. "On my world, we believe in multiple creators. Yours must be four times as smart as each of ours."

Jessie pulled a face and rolled her eyes. "Ugh, I'd say get a room but, ugh," she muttered to herself.

The Mess Hall:
The room was a little quieter than usual. The alien visitors had taken over a small table near the window. James and Zare were talking nearby the replicator, Jessie was standing about a metre away not looking at all happy about it. Neelix was of course busy cooking something poisonous in the kitchen.

Zare was in the middle of a story when Jessie decided to join in with the conversation, "so did you find yourself another Slayer boyfriend, Zar?"

"What?" Zare said with a frown on her face.

"They seem to be your type, right?" Jessie said.

"You can talk Jess," Zare muttered. She glanced back at James, "did you tell her?"

"Actually no," James replied.

Jessie folded her arms and smirked, "so I was right then Zare."

"Just because I dated one Slayer doesn't mean they're my type," Zare said.

Danny, Ian and Kes walked into the room, talking amongst themselves.

"Sure," Jessie said while shrugging her shoulders. "Just be careful with what you do with those flat lips, ok Zar." She walked away after passing Zare an icy stare.

"What was that all about?" Zare asked.

"I don't know, sorry I'll talk to her," James said. He quickly headed over to where Jessie was standing now. "What was that?"

"One of these days I'm buying you a slut coming onto you scanner," Jessie muttered.

James developed a smirk on his face, "Zare? Yeah right."

Jessie groaned as she turned around, "admit it, you never know when girls are coming onto you, even me. I'm always the one telling you, and was I ever wrong?"

"I don't know really, about ninety odd percent was inconclusive, right," James replied. "Besides you were wrong about Zare the last time, and we're not doing that argument again."

"Well it wouldn't end the same way so don't worry about it," Jessie grumbled, folding her arms.

Danny and co made their way over to the two. "Hey you two, we were just going to the new resort program and..." Ian said.

"You're seeing things Jess, Zare and I are too alike to like each other," James muttered. The icy stare came back onto Jessie's face. "You know what I mean."

"Oh yeah I do. You're absolutely right. She's a Slayer, both of you are Chosen maybe's and oh, help me out here," Jessie said. "You've known each other for the total time of two hours, you have no idea what she's actually like."

"Ok guys, you're making Ian and Kes a little uncomfortable," Danny butted in.

James ignored her, "what's the matter with you? I don't like her that way, and she doesn't like me. Give me some proof and I'll try to see it for myself."

"No James, you said you and her are so alike, do you think you and I have anything in common?" Jessie asked. "I think there's something you want to say there."

"No there isn't. What I meant was we're both Slayers, she's sarcastic and annoying, she's got all of my annoying traits. I just talk to her because she understands the whole Slayer business better than I do," James replied.

"That's nice," Zare commented as she walked over. "Don't worry about it Jess, I can't stand him either now. You can keep him." She walked back the way she came.

"See, she liked you before," Jessie said.

James glanced back at Zare who was leaving the room, "I didn't mean, oh that's great."

"Oh so you were lying to me," Jessie said.

Ian smiled nervously, "ok guys, this is getting stupid."

"Getting? It was from the very beginning," James muttered. "She doesn't like me, I don't like her. Also I'm getting sick of this, if you don't like Zare and you just have to insult her, don't involve me in it."

"James, you're just blind. She took that a little too hard for someone who's only known you for a little while," Jessie said.

"You still haven't given me any proof," James said.

"I don't have to, just watch her for five seconds as she talks to you," Jessie muttered.

"See you later Jess," James groaned as he walked away.

"So glad you two are friends or whatever again," Danny quickly said as she put an arm around Jessie. She angrily pushed it off. "Ok can't blame me for trying."

"I bet she did this on purpose," she grumbled.

"Who, what?" Kes questioned.

"Zare. She made it obvious to me she was flirting, but that wasn't to him, just so she could have her way with him," Jessie replied.

"Sorry Jessie but I don't follow you. I don't see it either, you're just being paranoid. You're being jealous over nothing," Danny said.

"I'm not jealous," Jessie muttered. The others started blankly at her. "I have a right to be."

"No you don't. You've got the guy, she's not interested in him anyway, and he's not either," Danny said.

"Seriously, you guys don't see it?" Jessie said. "My god, you Danny, you always spot these things. You were onto James and I when we were about ten, premature but spot on."

"Exactly right Jess, I don't see it. Yeah it's weird they get along despite what James said, but there's nothing there. Sorry," Danny said. She dragged Ian away by the arm.

"Kes," Jessie said.

Kes shook her head, "sorry. I think it's just because she and him have that one thing you and him can't share. It's nothing to worry about, you do have everything else with him, unless he does talk about Slayer stuff with you."

"No, she likes him. She laughs at all the jokes, ignores any insults, she stares at him," Jessie muttered.

"Ok the jokes maybe funny, the insults were his usual sarcastic ones, and it's rude to not look at people when they're talking," Kes said.

"No, jokes weren't funny, insults I'll give you, and you didn't see the stare," Jessie said.

"Was it anything like yours?" Kes asked.

Jessie frowned, "how would I know? I can't see my face twenty four seven unless I have a mirror in front of my face."

"You know, did it look like she was not paying attention to surroundings and looking in his eyes?" Kes asked.

"Kinda yeah," Jessie replied. She frowned, "wait, I never do that."

Kes tried not to laugh, "oh no, you never do."

"I just wish that she would stop trying, I mean she thinks she's better than me," Jessie muttered.

Kes looked confused, "you got all that from a reunion conversation?"

"You should see the way she talks to him. She's all over him," Jessie grumbled.

"Yes, all over him with the eye staring," Kes said. Darna looked over from her table briefly, she whispered something to her little minions before getting up slowly.

"Just watch her for ten minutes, she's trying too hard. You'll see tarts like Lisa pretending to laugh at unfunny jokes, try to look cute or whatever and pretend to be actually listening to what they say. They only do that when they want to get into their pants," Jessie said.

"Sorry, I don't understand," Kes said.

"They do it so the guys will be interested in them," Jessie muttered.

Kes sighed, "oh right. Does it work?"

"No, as they don't listen they end up laughing at something not funny at all. Maybe the desperate guys take anything they can get," Jessie replied.

Kes smiled, "I don't think James falls into that category."

Jessie pouted and folded her arms, "why does everyone think that I think he's the one who's interested? I know he's not, and he's a good guy, I trust him, he'd never cheat. I just can't stand that girl, she knows I'm with him and she still tries."

Darna walked over to the pair, "excuse me."

"What, there's plenty of room, walk around us," Jessie muttered.

"I don't think that's what she wants Jess," Kes whispered.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, girls. Maybe I can help you, young lady," Darna said.

"How can you help me?" Jessie asked.

Darna smiled, "I can cast a spell on this girl."

"Right, witchcraft is all bull," Jessie muttered.

"And I suppose people with abnormal strength isn't?" Darna said.

"Fine I'll play along, what kind of spell?" Jessie asked, with a smirk on her face.

"If she does like this guy, the spell will make her stop," Darna replied.

"Jess," Kes said in a warning voice.

"Whatever you say, somehow I doubt you could do that," Jessie muttered. She headed over to the replicator, Kes eyed Darna briefly before following her. "Tomato and apple juice," Jessie said to the replicator.

Kes pulled a face, "eew."

"What, they're both fruits," Jessie said as Darna walked over to them.

"I'll tell you what, if you're right and nothing works then you can keep my lucky pendant necklace. If I'm right and she stops coming onto him, then I take something special of yours," Darna said.

Jessie narrowed her eyes, "you've just lost yourself a necklace."

Darna smiled, "I don't think so. You'll need to wear it so I can cast the spell." She handed a necklace to her.

"Oh well it's nice of you to give me it before you even try, see ya," Jessie said. She walked away.

Darna rolled her eyes, "charming girl."

Present day:
"What kind of spell?" Tom asked.

Jessie still looked nervous, "I was hungry and I had no rations." Kes rolled her eyes.

"Oh come on, you're not telling us the whole story right," Tom moaned.

"No I am. I was talking to Kes, witch wannabe girl butted in and she offered to help," Jessie said.

Tom rolled his eyes, "that's boring though. How am I supposed to entertain the crew with that?"

The DJ raised his hand, "we've got a volunteer."

"Oh finally, let's get started," Tom said with a grin on his face. A hand pushed him off the stage, face first. Kathryn stumbled into his spot, holding one of those tall glass cups of coffee.

"Hit it!" she told the DJ, who by now was the only person paying attention who wasn't afraid.

"Oh woah, oh!" Kathryn sang too close into the mic. "Caught in a caffeine rush." The DJ quickly put the music on. She began tapping her foot to the beat, "coff, coff, coff coffee. Coff, coff, coffee. Coff, coff, oooh la la. Want your caffeine rush."

The music kicked off so the crazy Captain started to dance stupidly, still singing the coffee part into her mic.

"I want your gritty, I want your bitter. I want your everything, as long as you're mine. I want your buzz," she continued. Of course the so called singer didn't notice everyone had snuck off to the bar, except for Sid of course. He was currently bleeding, with a huge bite mark on his leg, tapping his foot.

"Buzz, buzz, buzz, I want your buzz. Hey!" Kathryn quickly finished off her coffee, then chucked the glass away. "I want your 'roma, the smell in my nose. Hey! I want your morning perker, kiss on my mouth. I want your buzz." She pulled the clip out of her ponytail, then quickly swung her hair around. "Buzz, buzz, buzz, I want your buzz."

Chakotay looked at a conveniently placed watch on his wrist, then back at her. Tom looked at him with interest. "I swapped that cup with half decaf."

"Wouldn't that just be only half a top up instead of one?" Tom questioned.

Chakotay smiled sneakily, "you'll see."

"You know that I want you," Kathryn tapped her foot with the beat. "You know that I need you. I want your caff, caffeine rush." Suddenly the red and black jacket was airborne, then into Chakotay's face. "I want your rush, and I want your headache. You and me can run the ship tonight. I want your rush not the stupid tea bags. You and me will kick ass tonight." Her dancing got a bit tired, but the look on her face was still caffeine full. "Oh, oh woah oh. Oh woah oh, caught in a caffeine rush."

"Coff, coff, coff coffee. Coff, coff, coffee. Jane, Jane, way la la. Want your caffeine rush." The music continued as Kathryn rubbed her stomach, turning paler by the second. "I don't feel well." She rushed off the stage with a hand over her mouth.

Two days earlier
The Conference Room:
"It can't be a coincidence that this started happening as soon as those aliens..." Chakotay said.

"And Ligod, oh and Zare," Jessie butted in.

Chakotay stared at her, "came aboard."

"All my scans revealed nothing. Frankly I'm at a loss," the Doctor said on the screen.

"Maybe it's a spell," Kes said with a smirk. Jessie shook her head.

"Don't be silly Kes, next you'll be saying that an army of angry fairies are after us," Danny said.

"We all know how to solve that problem, don't we," Tom sniggered. Almost everyone groaned.

"People, concentrate. We've got an obvious illness here that we can't detect or cure," Chakotay said.

"Then what do we do? No matter what we do, we just start singing about it," B'Elanna questioned.

"Well we can't just give up, it's not that bad," Harry commented.

"Nobody said that we should," Ian said.

Kathryn sighed, "exactly. Doctor keep us informed of any progress."

"Yes Captain," the Doctor said. The screen turned itself off.

"If it's an illness the Doctor would have found something by now surely," James said.

Tom shrugged, "yeah and so far not everyone's been affected."

"After a year or so on this ship, I'm nearly ready to believe anything," Chakotay said. Everyone failed to notice the poppy music that had started silently playing in the background.

Kathryn rested an elbow on the desk, and placed her chin on the palm of her hand. "Maybe it is a spell," she 'sang' along to the tune.

Chakotay pulled a face, "don't be silly, witches don't exist." Everyone stared blankly at the pair.

"Hey, sing this in tune," Kes sang while shaking her head.

"Oh they're singing again, cover your ears," Tom sang with a smirk on his face. The smirk was short lived though.

"Oh shut up Tom," B'Elanna sang while rolling her eyes.

"Yes this song sucks, it's so out of tune," Harry sang.

Danny tried not to laugh, "maybe we should leave."

"No this funny, everyone's gonna sing," Ian sang.

Everyone was now looking freaked out, but they still managed to sway a little to the tune. "Oh damn, here we go, singing very badly to a Steps tune," everybody sang together while standing up. "Now we're getting up, ready to dance to the beat, to the beat."

All the chairs were pushed back a little as the whole senior staff started to a cheesy dance routine with their arms mostly. "Nobody dance, nobody sing. We don't have to do anything, cos this crap always happens, to at least one of us. This is weird but like other things, we'll get out of it, out of it."

"Screw this, I want coffee," Kathryn sang as she sat back down in her chair.

"Quick get the rat poison," Harry sang in a giggly voice as he did the same.

Kathryn glared at him, "hey!" Everybody quickly sat back down again.

"This is creeping me out," Jessie sang along looking disturbed.

"If anyone sings, that I sound gay," James sang as he narrowed his eyes at Tom.

Tom just grinned, "I'm not saying a thing."

Kes shrugged, "well at least he can sing, unlike someone." Tom pulled a face.

Again everyone got up slowly. "Oh damn, here we go, singing very badly to a Steps tune. Now we're getting up, ready to dance to the beat, to the beat." The dance routine picked up as they sang the chorus again.

They started swapping places with the ones next to them. "Nobody prance, nobody wail. We don't have to worry at all," they sang just as they got to their new seats. "Cos we always find someway to beat it back, this is us, and we can."

"This is so illogical," Tuvok sang as he raised an eyebrow. The music stopped, everybody quickly sat back down.

"Ok, that was pretty bad," Tom muttered.

"You think, but it would have made number one knowing the charts," Danny commented.

"Actually I liked it," Harry said with a grin. Tom quickly slapped the back of his head. "Ow."

Kathryn shook her head, "all right, this is top priority. We need to find out what's happening. Wherever possible, avoid situations or conversations worth singing about."

"That was worth singing about? We're in trouble," Tom commented.

Danny giggled, "no it wasn't, but Janeway and Chakotay's get a room quick song was."

"The song was using metaphors and stuff," Kathryn muttered, blushing furiously.

"Yes it was a tame song, you just make it sound dirty," Chakotay said.

"I didn't have to," Danny giggled.

"Ok everyone dismissed," Kathryn quickly said. Everyone got back up and headed out of the room.

Deck Five:
The turbolift doors opened to reveal Ian and Danny talking quietly. Danny pressed a button to the close the doors again. "See, nothing to worry about," she said.

"Oh come on Dan, the turbolift isn't exactly original," Ian said in a teasing voice.

Danny pretended to look offended, "you know I should punish you for that." She turned away from him with a fake pout on her face.

Ian walked right up to her, he slipped an arm around her waist. "You know I've been thinking of a get a room quick song of my own."

Danny giggled, "oh really?" She turned herself around. "It's kinda exciting that nobody knows about us, don't you think?"

Ian grinned, "it kinda is, but I think we can tell our friends."

"Nah, not yet," Danny said, slipping her arms around his neck.

Claire was busy pacing the main area, impatiently tapping her hand with a PADD. She stopped nearby the end biobed, "where is everyone?" She sighed as she sat down on it.

The doors opened as Danny and Ian strolled in, holding hands. They stopped nearby the door, unaware that Claire was in the room.

"So I'll see you later Dan," Ian said. Danny turned around to face him.

"Mmm can't wait," she murmured. He leaned down to kiss her on top of her head, then he stepped back out of the room. Danny smiled while she leaned on the biobed, blushing a little.

Claire shook her head and headed into the office, "ugh gross."

"Hmm, why can't it be later now," Danny said quietly to herself. She moved away from the biobed and looked around the room. She started to sing, "he puts a strand of my hair, 'hind my ear, it's weird but feels ok. He puts yesterdays other guys to shame, but that's easily done."

Claire pulled a face as she walked back the way she came.

"So am I crazy or I am doing it right this time? I do love to touch him, talk to or leer all day," Danny sang quietly to a summery tune. The music picked up as Claire came further into the room with wide eyes. Danny failed to notice as she started dancing to the music.

"There he goes, he's my man, keep your hands to yourself," she sang.

Claire rolled her eyes. "Hey, no problem," she sang, pulling a face.

"He's a bit tall, but I don't really mind that much," Danny sang.

"Oh that's sweet," Claire added on.

"I think I've found my forever guy so girls move along. You've got two seconds to vacate," Danny sang, she pointed at the doorway, "there he goes."

Claire walked over to stand next to her, "uh Dan..." The music picked up again, Danny climbed onto the biobed and continued dancing.

"There he goes, there he goes. He's my sugar plum and I'm his cuddly bear. There he goes, there he goes," she sang. "Get out the queue boys, this till is closed. There he goes, there he goes. I'm his new girlfriend, but don't tell anyone," she placed a finger in front of her lips. "There he goes, there he goes." She jumped down from the biobed.

Ian was going down the corridor singing a similar tune to Danny was singing earlier. "One day she was a good friend, and now she's all mine. I opened my door, let her in and oh, the rest you know. No we didn't, you know, but we did kiss a while. Still don't know how or why right now."

Tuvok turned the corner and found himself walking right behind him.

"Off I go, she's my girl, keep your hands to yourself," Ian continued to sing.

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, "indeed."

"She's a bit rude, but I don't really mind that much," Ian sang.

"Interesting," Tuvok said.

"I think I've found my forever girl so boys move along. You've got two seconds to vacate," Ian sang.

"There he goes," Danny sang louder than before.

Claire was busy sitting on a neighbouring biobed, looking bored. "Are you quite finished yet?"

Danny's eyes widened a little, she turned her head slowly around to her direction. "Oh crap," she muttered.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ian muttered while increasing his walking speed.

"It would be illogical to deny such a thing," Tuvok said.

"Ok maybe, but it would be even more illogical to make up something stupid like that," Ian said. He jumped into the turbolift, "quickly Deck Two." The turbolift doors closed.

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, he pressed the button on the panel next to the door and waited patiently.

The Bridge:
Tuvok stepped off the turbolift, his eyebrow set a new record for him as he looked around the room. All of the unknowns were doing a dance routine where they were shaking tricorders around their heads.

"Ooooh, ooooh," they all sang.

"Ahem," Tuvok cleared his throat.

Everybody quickly stopped and turned around. They all quickly rushed back to their stations muttering, "sorry sir."

Tuvok shook his head as he went to his station. "So illogical."

"It isn't sir, nobody can help it," a female crewmember nearby commented.

Tuvok looked around the bridge, "where is the senior staff?"

"I think all on break sir," another crewmember replied.

The female crewmember looked at him, eyes widening, "no don't say it." Everyone continued with their dance routine from where they were up to before.

"Ooooh, ooooh... boom boom," the girls sang.

"And we change over to a different song," a male crewmember sang. All of the crewmembers stood in a line at the back of the bridge, they continued to do a stupid dance routine with the tricorders.

Tuvok frowned as the background tune changed. He started to sing along, "I begin to frown just a little bit, it's very odd."

One of the girls jumped to stand next to him, "yeah I got that." She then jumped back into the line of crewmembers as the music picked up. Tuvok walked over to stand in front of them, in the center.

"Why must you sing, sing, and dance," Tuvok sang, just moving his feet. The line behind him split up into pairs, the pairs started dancing together. However two of the pairs were two boys, they were less reluctant to dance together. "Watching everyone embarrass themselves," Tuvok sang as he glanced back at them. "What will it be next?"

"It's illogical to sing, sing, at this time," he continued to sing.

A girl leaned back, the guy kept a hold of her as she kicked one leg up. The guy's nose started twitching, he quickly moved his hands in front of his face. The girl screamed as she fell to the ground. The guy sneezed into his hands.

Tuvok turned around, "and I really think you should pay a visit to Sickbay."

The tactical station started beeping. Everything stopped suddenly. "Interesting," Tuvok said, raising an eyebrow. He went to his station, "as you all were."

"Uh yes sir," one crewmember nervously muttered. Everybody rushed back to their stations.

The Conference Room door opened. James, Foster, Thompson and Sid stepped through it, and headed over to Tuvok.

"We'll add any Tom, Dick and Harry to this team," Thompson grumbled.

James glanced briefly at Sid, "so Harry's next to join then."

"Foster, did you show Mr Collie the works?" Tuvok asked.

"You can't be serious about this Tuvok, Sid isn't Security material," James questioned. He glanced briefly at his team mates, "never mind, forget it."

"It's the most appropriate job for him. Now is there a reason why your team is here?" Tuvok said.

"Um patrolling Deck One perhaps," James muttered.

"Yes that's right," Tuvok said. "I apologise, the current epidemic has distracted me."

"Oh it got you, what did you sing?" Thompson asked with a smirk planted on his face.

"Oh an urbany slash pop song with..." a crewmember blurted out.

Tuvok quickly butted in, "a very short ballad."

"Uh huh," Thompson sniggered. "I'm still waiting for Taylor here to burst into a cheesy Gay pop anthem. Or maybe a Raining Men cover."

James stared blankly at him, "why does it always have to be gay with you?"

"Why do you think?" Foster replied. "Think about it, he wants Raining Men while you're sharing a room with him."

Thompson and James both pulled a disgusted face each. James looked at Thompson with it, "you're sick, I'm telling O'Hara."

"What, me gay, no way!" he moaned. He marched off towards the turbolift, "like he'd be my first choice if I was."

Foster shrugged, "it seemed reasonable."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, "indeed. Now can you please continue your patrol."

"Sure as long as I can keep a phaser lock on Thompson," James muttered. He headed for the turbolift. The remaining two followed him.

Deck Two:
The team were casually walking down a quiet corridor. Sid was walking ahead of them all.

"I don't get it. Why did you want to work on Security?" Foster asked.

"Transporting people back and forth isn't exactly a fun job you know," Sid replied. He stopped to turn around, "those are one of the few stations that blow up. Plus whenever an alien tries shooting at people in a transporter room, I'm never there." The others stopped too.

"You'll find Security just as tedious, and it's usually the guys who don't want to be shot that do," James said.

Foster nodded, "he doesn't lie about these kind of things."

"What does it matter? Five minutes on this team and Sid'll be in his version of heaven," Thompson muttered.

James glanced at him, raising an eyebrow, "meaning what exactly?"

"If you're looking at me like that then you know what I mean," Thompson replied.

Foster shook his head, "why are you like that anyway, it's really weird."

Thompson turned back to Sid, "yeah, I mean if I tickled you would it hurt?"

"Yes, uh I mean no," Sid stuttered. "Why do you think it's weird, people get injured all the time. It should feel good. If it doesn't I feel sorry for injured people."

"No it shouldn't, people would just injure themselves stupidly like you do and probably kill themselves," James said. "Seriously you need some sort of help." The other two nodded in agreement.

"Ok if I'm agreeing with freak boy here then it must be true," Thompson said. James glanced at him, narrowing his eyes.

"You'll be wishing you're Sid in a minute," he grumbled.

Sid jumped forward, "oh oh, hit me instead of him."

"What would be the point in that?" James asked.

"Well you see," Sid said as music started to play in the background. His team-mates looked at each other with the same worried expression on their faces. "It's been several minutes since I banged my head," Sid started to sing.

Thompson groaned, "oh I had my bets on James singing next, not him."

"Everytime I feel blue, I annoy someone so he can kick my ass," Sid continued to sing. He started to dance around stupidly, "seven hours since I cut my wrists. Started an absail, crawled on the hull. I wanted to fly a shuttle into an asteroid, but nobody would let me go."

"Ok, how come he isn't dead yet?" James whispered to the others, Sid continued to sing of course. They shrugged.

"I say cos I like to," Sid sang. "Oooh, everyone thinks there's something wrong with my head. But there isn't no, I just like the rush." His team-mates stared to edge slowly away from him. "Oooh, and I like the feeling of the scratch on my back."

"I heard it's Neelix's turn for a scan in Sickbay," Foster whispered. "Mess Hall?" The other two men nodded quickly, they all ran off as quickly as they could. Sid continued to sing and dance, totally oblivious to the fact that he was alone now.

The Mess Hall:
Faye walked through the doors, she spotted Craig by the replicator so she stopped next to him. He glanced at her briefly, "just pretend to be busy."

"Why? There's only so long you can look busy at the replicator," Faye questioned.

Craig beckoned his head briefly in the direction of the table Lisa and an unknown guy was sitting at. "Lis and boyfriend are arguing."

Faye looked over, "oh, that can't be good."

"Not for Lisa no," Craig muttered.

"What do you mean, he's only a friend," Lisa said.

The guy sitting opposite her groaned, "you like him, I'm not stupid."

"Yeh as a friend. If you don't believe me or trust me then this isn't going to work is it?" Lisa said.

"Yeh you're right," the guy muttered as he stood up. "He's all yours." He then marched out via the other door. Craig quickly headed over with Faye right behind him.

"Lis, you ok?" he asked.

Lisa covered her face with her hands, "yeah." The pair could hear her crying gently behind them.  She quickly moved them away, trying a little too hard to put on a convincing smile. "It's just another guy like all the rest, so what."

"Yeah but you're not acting like he was," Craig carefully said.

"What do you mean? There's plenty of other guys, what does it matter," Lisa said.

Craig glanced back at Faye helplessly, she shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe you can fool Faye," he said, turning back to Lisa. "But you can't fool me."

"Ok when have I ever been interested in something serious?" Lisa asked with a raised eyebrow. She looked around at the neighbouring tables, she noticed one guy glance at her briefly.

"This is going to turn into a song isn't it?" Faye groaned.

Craig glanced at her looking worried, meanwhile cheesy poppy music began playing. "Ok, where does the music come from!?" He glanced back at Lisa, who had walked over to the other guy while the pair were talking. "No Lisa, don't, please don't."

"I see what ya staring at," Lisa sang in a sultry voice. She briefly stroked the guy's cheek, "I know what you see instead." She took a hold of his hand, then backed away a little. He stood up but looked like he wasn't able to control himself. "I know you like me."

"How are you still friends with this girl, I'm surprised she hasn't dated you yet," Faye questioned quietly.

Lisa and the guy started to dance in front of each other. "You don't really see me, I ain't just eye candy."

Meanwhile Security Team One entered the hall, but stopped dead in their tracks as they spotted Lisa. "You know I'm not really hungry," Thompson said.

"Yeah me neither," James muttered. The team headed back out.

Lee and Claire sat opposite each other at the Doctor's desk, both snacking on their lunch on a tray.

"We could make him a ballerina," Lee said with a mouthful of food.

Claire pulled a disgusted face, "no way, we'll have nightmares for weeks."

"Ok then, you think of something we could do to the Doctor," Lee grumbled. He eyed Claire's plate, "are you going to finish that?"

Claire stared at him with a blank expression on her face, "well yeah, I am still eating it."

"Fine fine," Lee said. "Well?"

"Why the Doctor, can't we do something to somebody else?" Claire questioned.

"Sure, I'll get Janeway here and you can reprogram her to dance the flamenco," Lee replied, shaking his head. "We can only mess with the Doc, genius."

"No we could do something to the coffee, or reprogram her replicator to talk back to her," Claire said with a shrug.

"That's more suicidal than funny," Lee said. "Why do we have such a psycho captain anyway?"

"Well it's better than a wussy one," Claire smirked.

Lee smiled as he leaned his left elbow on the desk, "here's something."

"What?" Claire said.

Some unknown crewmember walked in carrying a guitar, with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He started to strum a few notes every now and then.

"Let's say Janeway did a bunk, just for a day, just only one day," Lee sort of rapped as he did so. Claire glanced between the two, looking worried. "And she randomly chose someone to be in command. And her finger landed on you, what would you do. If you were Captain for a day?"

She stared at him with wide eyes. "Tell all aliens to shove it up there..." she muttered.

Lee butted in, "I'd go around the quadrant buying all the torpedoes. Then I'd label them all "just passing on by pal"."

Claire pulled a face, "But if you did that you'd get your butt kicked." She looked scared as she noticed that she was singing along, "I'd paint the ship black."

"Yeah but on that day I'd make Tom do it all," Lee rapped after her.

"Well I'd tell all aliens passing there's free coffee," Claire sang, still with her scared wide eyes. "It'd get Janeway really pissed and maybe she'd retire."

"Then we'd could run the ship forever, wait," Lee rapped. He frowned, "Is all the grub free?"

"Well I don't know, but you could pretend it is," Claire sang. Luckily the guy with the guitar managed to stop, the two teens sighed in relief. "That was scary."

"Oh yeah," Lee muttered. "Now are you finished?" Claire rolled her eyes then nodded. He pulled the tray over to him.

Tom walked in looking nervous. He had a quick glance at his surroundings, one crewmember was singing about power conduits to a scared looking girl, everyone else but B'Elanna had gathered around to watch. As soon as the male crewmember stopped, the audience started throwing what looked like mushy tomatoes at him and booing. All of this seemed to ease Tom, so he continued forwards.

B'Elanna meanwhile was grumbling to herself at one of the stations around the core. He stopped next to her, "where did they get those tomatoes from?"

She glanced at him with a raised eyebrow, "they're not tomatoes, they're balloons filled with Neelix's soup." Tom's eyes widened as he turned to watch the poor crewmember, he was now lying on the ground with his arms covering his head.

"Aaah, it's hot. Stop it!" he yelled.

One crewmember looked confused, "I thought it was Gazpacho soup."

Everyone watched as the soup started melting the guy's uniform away. "Oh wait," one said looking pale. "Neelix added Talaxian spice herbs to it."

"Oh god, call Sickbay," one guy said.

B'Elanna groaned, "he deserves it really. He won't stop singing."

"None of us can help it," Tom said.

"I know but he sings every five minutes," B'Elanna muttered. "What do you want?"

"I have a question to ask," Tom said.

B'Elanna groaned, "so?"

"Soo um, I have this program about a lake, and a boat and a um, me. Do you want to see it?" Tom stuttered, blushing madly.

B'Elanna laughed, "oh my god. Am I next? Geez, take a hike will you." She walked off.

Tom watched her looking sorry for himself, "not again." He marched off muttering something under his breath.

The Doctor finished scanning an unknown crewmember. "Both nothing, this doesn't make any sense."

"Well you're a lot of use aren't you?" the crewmember grumbled.

"I'm trying the best I can," the Doctor snapped.

"You know what the problem is? You have no imagination, a real doctor would have that." The crewmember slid off the biobed and headed out. "Good luck."

"I am a real doctor," the Doctor sighed. "Oh I see, just cos I'm a hologram. I see." He turned to another crewmember's biobed but they were actually edging towards the door. "Hey, you can stay right where you are."

"Actually once I'm out of the room, you can't stop me," she stuttered before running out.

The Doctor again sighed, "what does it matter. Not one crewmember shows sign of any illness." He looked around the room, "wait a minute, I had two other patients before. Ugh why does no-one treat me with the respect I deserve." Some gentle music started playing in the background.

"I appear, empty and bare. I don't breathe, but need air," he sang while he headed over to the med tray. "You think I am just a machine but you and me are no different." He smiled to himself as he worked on the tricorder and hyposprays. "So much more I want to say, I need to find a way."

Tuvok stepped in through the main entrance. He stopped at the doorway with his eyebrow in it's usual position.

"I doubt you really know, how it really feels to be left here all alone, when there's nothing to do," the Doctor sang. "Well you really should know, just how it feels to seem like you're all alone, when you're in a full room. I tell ya all..."

"Doctor?" Tuvok quickly butted in. The Doctor turned to him as the music cut off abruptly. "Any progress?"

"No not really and it seems I am infected as well. It can't be the usual kind of illness as it doesn't come up in scans," the Doctor replied.

"Interesting," came Tuvok's usual response.

"Yes well there's no way I can discover what's causing this if it isn't medical," the Doctor said. "I simply don't understand this."

The Bridge:
Tom collapsed into his chair with the loudest sigh you can do. Everyone else on the bridge were too busy to notice it or hear it. Kathryn was busy sipping a cup of coffee while staring at a padd. Chakotay tried to look like he was doing work by playing a silent game on his computer. Harry had big ear muffs over his ears.

"Ahem, Captain we're still on course at warp eight point five," Tom said.

"Uh huh," Kathryn mumbled.

Chakotay glanced over briefly, "is that a picture of a coff..." Kathryn turned her head to glare at him. "Coffin?" he said nervously.

Jessie shook her head, "way to go Chuckles."

"Shut up, and who gave you the inspiration to call me that?" Chakotay grumbled.

"Um let's see, there's Danny, Ian, Harry, James..." Jessie replied while counting her fingers. "Tom, Janeway."

"Hey Kath... tain," Chakotay hissed.

"You have a way of words today, don't you?" Kathryn said in a teasing voice.

"You call me Chuckles?" Chakotay muttered.

"I don't remember that," Kathryn said, glancing back at her padd.

Chakotay frowned as he looked over to see what was on the padd, Kathryn didn't seem to notice. "Can we talk in private please?" he asked while standing up.

"Um ok," Kathryn replied. The pair headed for the Ready Room.

"It's just not fair," Tom moaned.

Jessie rolled her eyes, "let me guess, somebody new rejected you."

"No, I'm not after anyone right now," Tom snapped at her. He quickly turned back to his station before she had a chance to glare. He looked at one of his screens which had a B'Elanna desktop on it, she looked like she was yelling at some unknown who was cowering despite him being a foot taller than her.

Jessie glanced around the room looking worried, she of course was reacting to a poppy song starting to play. "Crap, Harry." she ran off towards Opps. It was too late though, Tom had already started singing.

"Just cos I joke, shouldn't bother you at all. It's not fair you judge me that way. Let me be the one for you."

"Harry, does those even work!?" Jessie yelled at Harry. He obviously didn't hear her and was happily typing away. She resorted to slapping him on the arm. He glanced at her with a pout on his lips. "Does those work?"

"What?" Harry yelled back.

"When I'm lying awake at night, there's your face stuck in my mind," Tom sang as he stared at the picture.

Meanwhile in the Ready Room, Chakotay and Kathryn were yelling too.

"I don't understand you sometimes. First you say or rather sing all that stuff about me, and us, next you're fawning over that picture of Mark," Chakotay grumbled.

"I'm not, it's just the dog I swear," Kathryn stuttered.

"And this coffee obsession. If you love it so much, why don't you date that instead," Chakotay grumbled. He stormed out but immediately regretted his decision.

"Damn it, give me those!" Jessie screamed at Harry who was looking really clueless. Instead she pulled them off his head.

"There's nothing I can do but to put a spell on you. I wish I had a love spell," Tom warbled on.

"What the? Oh trust Tom to sing a love song," Chakotay groaned. He headed over to him.

Tom continued singing all wobbly, "love spell." Chakotay made it over to him just as he was about to finish the chorus. "I wish I could make you fall in love with me."

"Never going to happen," Chakotay muttered, slapping him across the head. Of course the music cut off.

"Oh finally, these things always mess up my hair," Jessie sighed in relief. She tossed the ear muff's to the side of her, they bounced off Harry's face.

Deck Two:
The Security team headed down the corridor, minding each other's business. In other words in silence for once. Sid was once again with them.

Thompson pointed at a foot that was sticking out from around a corner, "what's that?"

"It looks like somebody's foot you moron," Foster muttered.

Sid's eyes lit up, he then ran towards it as fast as he could. His team stared after him blankly. He managed to trip over the foot and land flat on his face.

"Oh," both James and Foster said at the same time.

Thompson smirked as they finally reached the foot. "At least this guy'll be great entertainment on a quiet day."

The guy with the guitar came along again, not looking too happy about it. This time he was a better player. The team, excluding Sid looked at each other in horror. Lucky for them, more or less, the owner of the foot stirred and moved it out of sight. At the same time a female crewmember was walking closer from behind them.

The guy with the guitar strung his guitar several times, then Sid jumped to his feet now holding a drum.

"Shhhh!" the owner of the foot said desperately.

The girl stopped at the other side of the wall to him. "I see you," she whispered. "I just want to show you."

"Damn," the man grumbled. He jumped to his feet and ran off as fast as he could. The girl giggled seductively while stroking the wall with her middle finger.

"Every time you show me that frown, just wanna go that extra parsec for you," she sang. Her head turned to the left, then to the right. She then turned her walk into a hunched tip toe. "My display of affection," she cooed, before shaking her upper torso.

"Nice," Thompson commented.

"Feels like it's only ever for you." Quick as a flash she jumped around the corner, spotting the male crewmember trying in vain to get the stubborn turbolift doors open.

The girl side stepped to the right, then leaned on the wall with her hands, staring at the man. "We can play now, like there's no one around."

Sid banged his drums a bit more, deciding to sing along, "we keep on stalking, keep on stalking, stalking."

At this point James, Thompson and Foster were backing away looking all freaked out. Meanwhile the crazy girl did the exact same moves to the other wall, taking a step closer before doing so.

"Red Alert's flashing while we'll be dirty dancing," the girl sang.

"We could be dying, or coffee hunting," Sid sang along happily.

Stalker girl spun herself around twice, aligning herself to the centre of the corridor. Her arm moved out, and did a beckoning wave to the man. "Looks like The Cloud is saying."

Kathryn decided to run passed at that moment, "there's coffee in that nebula!"

"No," stalker girl huffed as the music stopped. She glared at Sid, "you threw me off. Try again." The music restarted at Sid's second line, the girl sang it instead. "Nobody's watching, but keep watching." She did her spin again, "looks like my heart is saying."

"Oh god, why won't anyone help me!" the man whined.

The stalker girl looked like she was about to pounce, but instead she turned on the computer panel nearby and stuck her face close to it. "Gimme gimme," she sang into it.

The man tried to sneak passed her while her back was turned. Just as it looked like he succeeded, she swung around grabbing his arm. "You!" Her other hand pointing a finger at him. "Gimme gimme." A wink and a pat on the butt followed another twirl dance move, "you!"

"We have to seal off this deck," James whispered to his team mates.

"Yeah before we have to dance too," Foster whimpered.

Thompson agreed, he glanced at Sid who was grinning and dancing along, forgetting his drum. "This must be the greatest song ever to him."

"No that's Justin Timberlake's records, Nelly & Kelly crap, Rhianna, let's go," James muttered.

"Maybe we should do our job and rescue him first?" Foster said.

"I wouldn't, unless you want to be stalked too," James said.

Thompson smirked, "she's hot but really harmless, what a wuss. I'll sort it..."

James' eyes widened, "NO!"

It was too late, just before the girl finished her chorus Thompson quickly separated the two. "Hey now, there's things called personal space and a tune. Figure them out."

"Nice knowing you," the man stuttered before running for his life.

Thompson jumped as the girl slapped his butt, her eyes glazing over as she stared at him. "Oooh you're like a knight in shining armour aren't you?" She continued singing, "I'm the centre of attention."

"Do you hear that?" James asked Foster, he shrugged. "That's me being right."

The girl smiled sweetly at Thompson, he didn't seem to mind too much. Her fist then flew into his face, making him fly back into the wall. The space between them soon narrowed, her hands slammed on the wall on both sides of his head. "Even when you're up against the wall." She swung her head around to swish her hair, "you've got me in a compromising position. No need for suspicion. We have a connection."

"Oh god," Thompson stuttered.

"Let's get out of here," James whispered to Foster. He now agreed with him. They edged away.

"I love this song," Sid meanwhile giggled while clapping his hands.

Thompson stared at him. "Help, me," he mouthed slowly.

"If only you were blond, I'd show you around," stalker girl sang.

"Oh hey, James is," Thompson sang, pointing at James as he walked away. "Go get him, get him!"

"Ooooh!" the girl squealed, turning around. "Red Alert's flashing while we'll be dirty dancing."

James stared at Foster, they both looked pretty freaked. "Hurry." They decided to run for it instead.

"Nobody will see you, but I'll see you," stalker girl sang just before running as well. "Feels like my hands are saying!" she yelled just as the two disappeared into the turbolift. Her face fell, "aaaaw."

Thompson's eyes twitched as they noticed the other turbolift. He ran for his life leaving the stalker girl alone to sing into the computer screen again.



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