Previous Episode << >> Next Episode
Voyager comes across the planet where dozens of celebrities have been dumped.
5th May 2019
26th & 28th February 2003
"Rust?" Kathryn said questioningly.
"It's in shuttle bay one," Harry said.
"But how? There is no air in space and the ship's only a year old?" Chakotay asked.
"It might've had something to do with you crash testing the shuttle two days ago," Tom replied.
"I did not crash test it," Chakotay said.
"Did I say crash testing the shuttle? I meant crashing a shuttle," Tom said.
"Don't make me hit you, Paris," Chakotay muttered.
"Hmm hitting your crew, becoming a regular thing now Chuckles?" Jessie asked.
Chakotay turned to Jessie. "Don't go any further on that, Janeway'll kill me."
"Who did you hit?" Kathryn asked with her arms folded.
"James," Jessie said.
Chakotay looked like he was either going to blow or collapse on the floor.
Kathryn gasped, "my ready room, NOW!"
"Uhoh," Chakotay muttered. He and Kathryn disappeared into the Ready Room.
"Bravo Jess, you got rid of the cavalry," Tom said.
"Not without your help," Jessie said with a big grin on her face.
"Wow, Tom and Jessie working together. Whatever next?" Danny muttered.
"Did Chakotay really hit James by the way?" Tom asked.
Everyone rolled their eyes. "Does it matter?" Jessie replied.
"No, not really... did he then?" Tom asked.
"Yes," Jessie replied.
Tom laughed and he turned back to his console. "Dunno who would win that fight, really don't."
"Mr Kim, you'd better organise a team to replace the rusted parts of the ship," Tuvok said.
"Aye sir," Harry said.
Chakotay stormed out of the Ready Room. "Fine, I won't hit your precious James again!" He looked around the whole room, he looked even more angry than before. "What are you looking at? He deserved it!"
Tom sniggered, "precious."
"Don't go down that road, Tom," Harry said.
"Why not, it's not insulting to the guy in the really bad mood behind me," Tom said.
"No I mean, Janeway's just come back out," Harry said.
"Oh crap," Tom muttered.
"Do you think all this is funny, Tom?" Kathryn asked.
"Kinda yeah," Tom replied while trying to keep a straight face.
"Tom," Harry said in a "don't go there" voice.
"I'm sorry but judging by your reaction before, James is more precious to his coffee obsessed Captain than he is to his own friends," Tom said.
"We know him better than she does, Tommy. He always gets his own back," Danny said.
"Just like I'm going to right now," Kathryn said. She went over to stand beside Tom. "Tom, how would you like to have a break from piloting?"
"What's the catch?" Tom asked.
"You can join Security Team 1 instead," Kathryn replied.
"Which one's that?" Tom asked.
"The team includes permanent members Crewman Thompson & Ensign Foster, and two punished members Ensign Threepwood and Ensign Taylor," Kathryn replied. She patted him on the shoulder. "Better join them, have fun."
"It can't be that bad," Tom muttered as he stood up. He headed for the turbolift. "I just have to keep my mouth shut. Damn, I doomed." He left the Bridge.
"Hey that went better than I thought," Jessie said. Danny nodded.
"Danny take the helm," Kathryn ordered.
"Oh yeah, I haven't flown a ship in over a year," Danny said excitedly. She rushed over to the helm.
"She can fly a ship right?" Kathryn asked.
"Don't worry, she hasn't crashed once," Chakotay replied.
"Captain, we're receiving a distress call," Harry said.
"Let's hear it," Kathryn said.
"This is weird, it's just beeps," Harry said.
"Somebody's going a bit overboard with the swearing," Danny said.
"Either that or it's Morse code," Chakotay said.
"Oh great, it's the 37's. I thought this series was changed around ages ago so we wouldn't have to do this episode." Kathryn said.
"Not really, there's no floating truck," Jessie said.
"Good point, maybe they're changing it a bit," Kathryn said.
"Or they're just cutting out all the silly bits, you know to replace it with their own," Chakotay said.
"Probably," Danny said.
"So where is the Morse code coming from?" Chakotay asked.
"I'll send the co-ordinates to the helm," Harry replied.
"Ok Danny, set a course," Kathryn ordered.
"Why? I thought you don't like this episode," Jessie asked.
"If we don't do the original plot this episode will turn out more like Phage, The Cloud and Cathexis," Kathryn replied.
"Danny, go faster," Jessie said.
"Er, yes ma'am," Danny muttered.
Chakotay, Kes, Tuvok, James, Tom, Thompson, Foster and Threepwood all rematerialised on the planet.
"I still don't know why we didn't land the ship," Tom said.
"With Danny at the helm, that would be suicide," Chakotay said.
Kes looked around. "Why the hell am I in an awayteam full of guys... and Tom."
"Hey!" Tom moaned.
"Kes, you're the extra character in the team. In the original episode Tuvok and five security guys were in the team. We need a medic," Chakotay said.
"Why?" Foster asked.
"Because some guys attacked us remember?" Chakotay replied. Foster looked nervous, he nodded his head.
"I am so not a girl, I thought James would've been the perfect one to insult there," Tom said.
"I am so not a girl," James whined, mimicking Tom's voice.
"Hey!" Tom moaned, putting his hands on his hips.
"Ok, you're not a woman. You're Janeway now," James said.
"Hey!" Tom moaned again.
"Would you stop stealing my word, it's my word," James said.
"I would if everyone would stop insulting me," Tom pouted.
"But it's so hard to stop," James said.
"Oh yeah well at least I'm not Janeway's precious," Tom said.
"What?" James said in disgust.
"Hey, I like our new recruit," Thompson said. He put his arm around Tom's shoulders, he smiled smugly.
"All right Tom, he'll be meeting you in the turbolift at 12 this afternoon," James said.
Thompson covered his face with his own hand. "Why does he always have the last word, why!?"
"It's better than giving out the first and last punch. I don't have to treat you then," Kes replied.
"Typical, she's on his side," Thompson muttered.
"Excuse me Security Team 1, you are supposed to be quiet," Tuvok said.
"Ok, but what did you do?" James asked quietly.
"Excuse me?" Tuvok said.
"Uhoh, gas masks people," Thompson sniggered.
Tuvok and Chakotay glanced at each other. "These guys are your first line of security?" Chakotay groaned.
"I know, what am I going to do?" Tuvok asked.
"It's not that bad. If the ship is boarded by anybody, Tom can annoy them, Thompson can make out with any women or gay men, Foster and Threepwood can run as a distraction, and James, well he can beat any let over up," Kes said.
"Make out with gay men?" Thompson said in disgust.
"Right, I can't take this anymore. Kes, Tuvok, we will find that colony we never see in the original episode. Security Team 1, go and find that cave with all the 37's inside," Chakotay ordered.
"But what if..." Tom started to say but Chakotay, Tuvok and Kes were gone already.
"Do you ever get the feeling that people are trying to get rid of you?" Threepwood asked.
"Nah, never," Tom replied.
The rest of the team glanced at each other. "On the count of one, run. One..." James said. He, Thompson, Foster and Threepwood ran for the caves. Tom looked around nervously.
"Guys? James? Ooops, wait up and guys and girls!" Tom yelled. He ran after them.
little while later:
Tom, James, Thompson, Foster and Threepwood reached a cave opening. They were about to enter when a tall blonde woman jumped out of it and blocked their way.
"Ok, no one enters here," the girl said.
"Uh, why not?" Tom asked.
"I dunno, something about bad people and nobodies," the girl replied.
"Ookay, we'll just have to fight our way in," Tom said. He turned to James. "Go on, give her a good cat fight."
"Firstly, I don't have cat fights. Secondly, I don't hit girls," James said.
The girl gasped when she glanced at James. "Oh my god, H is that you?"
"Erm no," James said.
"Yes you are, I recognise that face anywhere! Gimme a hug!" the girl yelled as she opened her arms.
"No I'll pass," James said.
"Don't you remember me, I'm Claire Richards, your partner," the girl said.
"Ooh partner," Thompson said teasingly.
"Nah, I'm married. Well nearly. He's my duo band member, don't you remember?" Claire asked.
"Um no, I'm James and I've never met you in my life. I still wish I hadn't," James replied.
Claire started to cry. "So it's true, we are 400 years in the future!"
"That's nice, can we go in now?" Tom asked.
"No, for making me cry I will challenge one of you to a fight. If you win, you can go inside," Claire replied.
"If we lose?" Tom said questioningly.
"Then I'll kill you probably," Claire said.
"Ok then, since James made you cry he should fight you," Tom said.
"Hey you coward, I told you I don't hit girls," James said.
"You call me a coward? I mean what's the reason why don't hit girls? Is it because they're too tough for you?" Tom asked.
"It's ok, he doesn't hit me in my challenges. We each choose a weapon, and we fight with that. Whoever is in the killing stance, wins," Claire replied.
"All right, fine," James said.
"This I gotta see," Thompson laughed.
"Choose your weapon," Claire said.
"What kind of weapons do you have?" James asked.
Claire looked nervous. "Oh, I don't have much, I just remembered. All I have are these toothpicks."
"Toothpicks," the entire team muttered.
"Yeh, they'll have to do," Claire said. She passed James one of the toothpicks from her pockets, they were quite big.
"Wow, these are long for tooth picks," James said.
"Yeah well, I have to get the big ones to reach my end teeth," Claire said.
"Oh god, you haven't used them have you?" James asked.
"Not these ones, I'm not that stupid," Claire replied. The others collapsed. "Ok, engarde!"
"I have never known what that means," James said.
"It means put em up, well similar to that anyway," Claire said.
"Please tell me that's not true, I don't want to be dumber than her," James said. The others shrugged. Claire jumped forward and stabbed him in the arm with the toothpick. "Ow, that one's sharp!" he yelled.
"Hehehe, this is more fun than I thought," Claire laughed.
"Ok, how about now," James said. He quickly stabbed her in the stomach. She screamed and fell to the ground.
"I'm dying, I'm dying!" she screamed. The guys all looked at each other with similar expressions on their faces.
"Should we pass?" Tom whispered. Everyone nodded. They all stepped over Claire and walked inside the cave.
Chakotay, Kes and Tuvok entered the colony. Everyone there were all dressed like they were going on a date. The awayteam stopped next to an open window. Inside was Gareth Gates talking to a psychiatrist, who was actually Jerry Springer.
"Take your time you little pest," Jerry said.
"Well I keep dreaming this... awful dream," Gareth stuttered.
"Uh huh, what is it so I can go to lunch?" Jerry asked.
"Well I keep dreaming that... that... Claire Richards is going to turn me into burger meat and eat me. One dream she ate... me me, alive," Gareth squeaked.
"Let's hope she does, next!" Jerry yelled.
Some rough looking WWF wrestlers picked up Gareth and they threw him out of the window, hitting Chakotay in the head.
"Ok, another reason to hate Gareth Gates," Chakotay said. He pulled out a list.
"Uh, we're not supposed to know about him," Kes said.
"Oh right," Chakotay said nervously. He threw the pad onto Gareth's back, and dropped a lit match onto it.
Gareth screamed, "aaaah, it's burning my back! Somebody help meeee!" He ran passed Britney Spears, Malculey Culkin (how do you spell that name?) and Will Young, who were all smoking tabs.
"What is that awful noise?" Will asked.
"Oh just Gareth on fire again," Malculey replied.
Britney laughed, "oh he makes my day."
Gareth ran back to them. "Help me, get some water, heeeeelp!"
Will pulled out another tab, he lit it using Gareth's back. "Thanks pal, you're a really good friend."
"I wish I could say the same about you," Gareth muttered. He ran off, still screaming.
"This place is crazy, it sure isn't populated by people from the 1930's," Chakotay said.
"You don't say," Kes said.
"How would you know?" Chakotay asked.
"How would you know, are you that old?" Kes asked.
"Whatever happened to the sweet original Kes?" Chakotay asked.
Kes ignored him by turning her head away, noticing the band allSTARS hanging out with Eminem.
"And that's how you can spice up your songs," Eminem said.
"I dunno, I kinda like my mum," Sandy said.
"Maybe we should find someone in charge," Chakotay muttered.
"Leave it to me," Kes said. She went over to the smoking group. "Hi, can you tell me who's in charge around here?" she asked as she flirted with Will and Malculey.
"That won't work, I'm gay," Malculey said, clearly lying.
"Woah, you're gay!" Britney gasped.
"Ah son of a..." Malculey muttered. Suddenly a group of lower celebrities rushed over to him holding notepads and tape recorders.
"Oh the press, I love them," Britney squealed as she clapped her hands.
"Ok, will someone please tell us who is in charge?" Kes asked.
"That would have to be King David and Queen Victoria," Britney replied.
Chakotay and Tuvok went over to stand near Kes. "Where do they live?" Chakotay asked.
"Oh in Beckhams Palace Three of course," Britney replied.
"Three? What happened to the first two?" Kes asked.
"One's back on Earth, Two's got blown up. I hear that Prince Romeo is a menace," Britney replied.
"The Prince blew up the palace?" Chakotay said in disbelief.
"Yeah, but nobody cares, he's so cute," Britney giggled.
"I've heard enough, let's go find this palace," Chakotay said.
"But why?" Kes asked.
"To find out who sent the distress call out, of course," Chakotay replied.
"Don't be stupid, I know the real reason, and I'm not even from Earth or heard of any of these people," Kes said. Chakotay and Tuvok stared at her suspiciously.
twenty whole minutes of chain-saw
Chakotay, Tuvok and Kes arrived outside Beckhams Palace Three. It was sickingly big, with strange looking guard dogs.
"Hey, we can think of this as a Spice Girls Reunion," Mel B said. The other Spice Girls groaned.
"Oh shut up you loser," Mel C groaned.
"Yeah, at least we have some dignity," Geri said. She went over to her doggy bowl and licked up some water.
"Aaaw, look at the little puppy," Kes said as she pointed at Emma Bunton.
"Why am I always the baby?" Emma moaned.
A blonde woman and a brown haired man who seemed to have forgotten his shirt, rushed over to the guards. They pulled out whips and whipped them all.
"Ok which one went to the toilet in Romeo's bathroom?" Faye Tozer yelled.
Mel B, Mel C, Geri and Emma all cowered. "It was Geri," they all said, even Geri.
"Wait a minute, no it wasn't," Geri said.
"Come with us," Lee said in a threatening voice. He picked up Geri, threw her over his shoulder, and walked off. Faye followed clicking her tongue in disapproval.
"Noooooo, not again!" Geri screamed.
"Ok, this is getting too weird. Let's go inside," Chakotay said. He, Tuvok and Kes strolled into the castle.
Victoria and David Beckham were both sitting on gold thrones. Chakotay, Tuvok and Kes stood in front of them.
"Bow down before your king and queen," David said.
"You're not the king and queen of us," Tuvok said.
"Oh a tough guy, I know what to do with tough guys," David said. He put more gel into his hair, and spiked it up.
"Er, and what's that?" Chakotay asked.
"I just did it. Aren't you scared?" David replied.
"Nooo," the awayteam said.
"Fine, I'll just go to plan B," David said. He got off his throne and he started playing football around the throne room. Chakotay, Tuvok and Kes just ignored him.
"Don't mind David, he gets a bit too big for his boots," Victoria said.
"What do you mean by I'm not doing a good enough job? I'm the king, I decide what's good enough!" David yelled at Fergie.
"You're not the king of me," Fergie grumbled. He kicked a football boot at him, it hit a spike in his hair and it just hung there.
"You messed up my hair! Off with his head!" David yelled.
"What, noooooo!" Fergie screamed as he was dragged away by Stone Cold Steve Austin and the not from Pokémon Brock.
"What can we do for you people anyway?" Victoria asked.
"We received a Morse code from this planet, who sent it?" Chakotay asked.
"A what code?" Victoria said, sounding confused.
"I guess it wasn't her then," Kes said.
"The only code I know is the dress code, which you're breaking by the way," Victoria said.
"So how did you get to this planet anyway?" Chakotay asked.
"Oh some weird guy kidnapped us, put us all into stasis and goodness knows how long later we arrived here. Some say we were in stasis for over four hundred years. But those insane people seem to think that we're rejects for some team called the FVDA, led by some guy called Damien or something," Victoria replied.
"Damien? Was he the one who kidnapped you?" Chakotay asked.
"I dunno pet, all I know is that the guy was not very tall, dark and very evil looking," Victoria replied.
"Did he always laugh in a crappy sinister way?" Kes asked.
"Yes he did actually," Victoria replied.
"So Damien recruited people from the 20th century to try and destroy us. It doesn't make any sense," Chakotay said.
"21st century actually, we left Earth in 2003," Victoria said.
"So instead of the sane 37's, we have the insane 03's," Kes said.
"They should have named the episode that," Tuvok said.
inside the cave:
"I knew we shouldn't have bought that map from Veronica Taylor. Didn't she used to do the voice of Ash Ketchum, the kid who always gets lost?" Tom asked.
"Yeah I think she does, she's probably related to James too," Thompson said.
"I doubt even my family will ever be that bad," James said.
The team turned a corner and they appeared in a large room full of stasis units.
"Ok gang, there are the 37's in those stasis thingy's, find which ones," Tom ordered. The rest of the team stared at Tom, James and Thompson put their fingers up at him too. "Please," Tom muttered. Everyone shrugged, they all split up.
Several minutes later they had three stasis units open, three people no one's ever seen before were standing around.
"None of these look like they're from the 1930's," Tom said.
"Duh, we're from 2003. What's going on?" the only girl asked.
"We kinda don't know, it's a really stupid episode," James replied.
"Meh, we have to use up all the insanity that's left. The next episode can't be too nutty," Tom said.
"Uh huh, can we go now?" one of the guy's asked.
"If you want but it'll be another seventy years until we get there," James shrugged. The three people looked confused.
"Ok don't scare them, we should go back to Voyager," Tom said.
"Soo, you guys are from 2003 instead of 1937, right?" Kathryn asked. She sipped some of her coffee.
"Um yes. Can someone please tell us what's happening?" the girl asked.
"You've obviously been kept in stasis for less than four hundred years," Kathryn replied.
"Trouble is, the guy who did this kidnapped hundreds of celebrities at the same time," Chakotay said.
"The FVDA," Tom muttered.
"Exactly, the rumour around the colony is that they're rejected recruits. Damien must've chosen the most annoying to go aboard his ship," Chakotay said.
"We saw Gareth Gates down there, why isn't he on that ship?" Kes asked.
"Yeah and we saw Claire Richards too," James said.
"The FVDA ship is a small one, I wouldn't be surprised if there's only room for an odd few," B'Elanna said.
"So what do we do?" Ian asked.
"Well we've got to stop the FVDA from taking anymore recruits. There are still a lot of really annoying celebrities that haven't been used yet," Chakotay replied.
"So how do we stop him then?" Kathryn asked.
"Simple, we tell them Damien brought them here. I doubt they'll want to work for someone who's taken them away from all their 'fans', you know the people who pay their salaries," Danny replied.
"Right, Chakotay you'll go back down and..." Kathryn started to say.
"They think the whole Damien being in charge of the FVDA is a rumour, they won't believe it," Chakotay said.
"Think about it. Victoria saw Damien when she was kidnapped. If the FVDA ship comes along, she'll recognise him. We'll tell her it's Damien and the pieces will come together," Kes said.
"Victoria didn't even get it when we talked about him in front of her," Tuvok said.
"Well I doubt Victoria was the only one who saw him," Kes muttered.
"Right, we'll do that. Chakotay take a team down there, we'll search for the FVDA ship," Kathryn said.
In: "Kim to Bridge. The FVDA ship has just decloaked in front of us."
"That was easy," Kathryn said as she stood up. Everyone left the room, including the three stasis people.
Damien was on the viewscreen when everyone came onto the Bridge. "I thought I told you to cloak that planet, you son of a bitch!" Damien was busy yelling at Johnny.
"Gee, calm down. I think my hair's well being is more important than all your backup recruits," Johnny said.
"Er, do you know that you're on?" Danny asked as she sat at the helm.
Damien looked at the Bridge crew. "Why can't anyone do anything right! I said prepare to contact them, not contact them now!"
"It's over Damien, those celebrities will never obey you," Kathryn said.
"And why not? I can take them to lots of different planets where they can annoy millions more than they could on Earth. It's every annoying celebrities dream," Damien said.
"Since when did he take command of this ship?" Rick asked Brannon. He just shrugged.
"We won't let you take them, we've seen enough of your annoying celebs for one season," Chakotay said.
"And there's more to come Voyager, see you next season... er I mean next episode," Damien said. The viewscreen switched off.
"We cannot let them get the celebs," Kathryn said in a determined voice.
Tom looked at his watch, "we're running out of time. We're already a day late."
"Oh fine, let him go. The more celebs he adds to his crew the more they'll get humiliated in Fifth Voyager," Kathryn said.
"Huh?" all three stasis people muttered.
"And get those people off the bridge," Kathryn ordered.
on the planet:
Victoria and David were walking across a bridge near their castle, walking their 'dogs' with their two Steps dog trainers. David was still kicking his football around, Victoria was holding the evil baby Romeo, and Brooklyn was secretly planning to take over Damien.
"How long do we have to work for these weirdos?" Faye asked.
"Until the thing on our ankles stop shocking us," Lee replied.
"So how is my cute little boy today?" Victoria asked.
"Mwahahahahaha, you will die someday witch," Romeo replied.
"Not before I kill her first," Brooklyn said.
"Hey there's my mate Michael, I'll pass the ball to him," David said. He kicked the ball over to Michael Owen. He kicked the ball back, it hit David in the head. He tripped over Brooklyn, who fell on Victoria, who dropped the evil Romeo into the river. Victoria being the stupid girl she was, jumped in after him.
"Ha, told you Romeo," Brooklyn laughed.
Michael looked nervous as the ball rolled back over to him. He threw it lightly instead. It landed nearby David, but conveniently it was a wooden bridge, so the ball weighed down a plank which sent David and Brooklyn flying into the river.
"Uhoh," Michael muttered. He walked away whistling innocently.
"Finally, now all we have to do is get rid of these dogs," Faye said. She and Lee hi-fived each other.
Damien was busy slapping Claire silly. "You stupid ninny, a tooth pick cannot kill you!"
"But it did," Claire moaned.
"Oh shut that big gob of yours, you're useless. You're also not annoying enough to join the crew," Damien said.
"Oh but I can sing loud, isn't that enough?" Claire asked.
"Nah, we have Christina for that," Damien replied.
"Oh," Claire moaned.
Gareth Gates ran towards them, once again on fire.
"Ah hah, now there's an annoying celebrity," Damien said.
As soon as Gareth got over to Claire and Damien, Claire turned into a huge dragon and ate him whole. Damien stared at her in disgust when she morphed back. "Why, he's so annoying he could've gone far."
"When I get told off I get hungry, I'm sorry," Claire muttered.
"Ugh!" Damien groaned, he threw his arms up in defeat. He stormed off.
Claire pouted, she headed back into the cave. She slipped on the two tooth picks, causing her to fall backwards onto her head. She died instantly.
Previous Episode << >> Next Episode