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4th December 2002
4th March 2003
Claire and Lee were sitting at one of the tables with Coca Cola bottles. Lisa passed by the table, she glanced at them briefly then she stopped. She turned to them.
"Coca Cola?" Lisa said in amazement.
"Yes," Claire said.
"Not just Coca Cola, Diet Coca Cola," Lee said.
"What is up with you?" Lisa asked.
"The replicator won't give out any Cherry Coke. We even tried Coca Cola, but there's plenty of addicts to wear that down," Claire replied.
"We were so desperate we even tried Diet Coke with Lemon," Lee said.
Lisa's eyes widened, "that stuff's here!?"
"We didn't order Diet Coke with Lemon," Claire whispered.
"I was going to but Janeway's added her own ingredient to it," Lee said.
"Coffee," Lisa and Claire muttered.
"How did you guess," Lee said.
"I guess it'll make that p*** taste better," Lisa said.
"I'm sure this isn't the first time this has happened. Didn't the Cherry Coke supplies run out months ago?" Claire asked.
"Yeah they did, there must be more addicts now than we think," Lee replied.
"Nah, explain the Coca Cola depletion. Something fishy's going on," Lisa said.
Captains Log Stardate... how the hell can you tell the date by the stars? Do you count them or something?
"If we did it would take a long time," Chakotay muttered.
Shut up.. Anyway, the Cherry Coke supplies have ran down again, so has the Coca Cola supplies. Why do I care, I only drink Diet Coke with Coffee and Lemon.
"The crew morale, of course," Neelix said.
All right, no more talking on my log! Ok, the senior staff will have a meeting about this and..
"We are already having the meeting," Tuvok said.
Kathryn slammed her fist on the computer to turn it off. "Why do you have to talk during my log?"
"Because you're doing it in the meeting and you're hyper while you do it," Chakotay replied.
"Well.. maybe I want to be hyper when I do my log. Oh damn it, I need to add sugar to this stuff," Kathryn said as she held the bottle in front of her face.
"Oh god, lots of caffeine, lemon and sugar. We're doomed," Tom said.
"No we're not, we're doomed when she puts a shot of vodka in it," Harry said quietly.
"Why don't we just put some rat poison in and have it done with," James said.
Everyone looked Kathryn's way, she was sucking her thumb as she stared at the table. She stood up and stumbled around the table.
"Or maybe some acid," Tom said.
Kathryn stumbled back over to her chair but instead she sat on Chakotay's knee. "Odd, my chair was never this big."
Tom was about to say something but Harry covered his mouth quickly. "I don't think we want to hear from you."
"Captain, this is my seat," Chakotay said.
Kathryn looked backwards, she laughed as she climbed off him. "I'm sorry talking chair," she said as she got ready to sit down. Instead she missed the chair completely and she fell on the floor.
"You know, even if she was drunk in the original series you would never see this happen on TV," Ian said.
"Well of course, this is Fifth Voyager.. the less people to see it the better," Neelix said. Silence came over the room, everyone glanced around expecting to see the tumbleweed blow passed. Instead some ball of what looked like goo rolled out the door. "Oh, so that's where my cake dough went too," Neelix mumbled. He ran after it.
"We're in orbit of a planet, who wants lunch there?" Tom asked. Everyone put their hands up quickly.
"Look, are we going to have a serious meeting for once?" Chakotay asked.
"This is ridiculous, where has that tumbleweed gone to?" Jessie asked as she looked around the room.
"Look the Cherry Coke supplies ran out when we came into orbit of this planet. Only ten people on this ship like this stuff. And there's no way that any of them get enough rations to pay for about 1000 bottles," Chakotay said.
"How do you know that they took 1000?" Tom asked.
"Yeah, and how do you know it was only one person?" Harry asked.
"Firstly, 1000 is the weekly limit for the whole crew. Secondly, I don't know how many people did it.. even the ten people put together wouldn't be able to get 1000 bottles," Chakotay replied.
"What about the Coke supplies?" B'Elanna asked.
"There are over 50 addicts, the 1000 limit is easy to get too" Chakotay replied.
"Do you think someone could've hacked into the replicators and got all those bottles?" Tom asked.
"Maybe," Chakotay replied. Everyone turned to look James' way.
"Hey, it wasn't me," James moaned.
"Where have I heard that before?" Danny muttered.
"No it's not possible, there is a new security thing in to stop people fiddling with the replicators. I should know, I tried to get lots of free... um.. I'll shut up now," James said.
"Of course you'd say there's a security thingy. You did get all that free Cherry Coke," Tom said.
"No, I tried to get free cig... cider," James said.
"I'll have some cider!" Kathryn exclaimed as she pulled herself up.
"Oh god, I hope you were going to say cigarettes. She may want lots of them," Tom said.
"I hope you weren't," Jessie muttered while giving James a really nasty glare.
"Can we please get back to the meeting?" Chakotay groaned.
"Sure if you wanna bore everyone," Danny muttered.
"Has anyone got any better theories as to what happened?" Chakotay asked.
"Well remember when those FVDA members boarded the ship.." B'Elanna said.
"That didn't happen," Tom interrupted.
"I'm not talking about this episode," B'Elanna muttered.
"Oh sorry," Tom said.
"Well they got straight through the shields and we didn't detect their ship. It could've been them," B'Elanna said.
"Why would they want to steal the Cherry Coke supplies?" Harry asked.
"I don't know," B'Elanna said.
"Here's a more annoying theory.. it was someone on that planet. I'm sure those people don't like humans," Tom said.
"What makes you think that?" Ian asked.
"Well this actually gives me the idea," Tom replied as he pulled out a hat. "I bought this at a souvenir shop, I didn't notice it had this written on it." He flipped the hat over to show the text, 'humans = shrems.'
"I don't get it," Harry muttered.
"Neither did I until I checked the database. Shrems are similar to locusts," Tom said.
"Ok here's what we're going to do. Tuvok will take all of his teams to the surface to see if anyone actually is responsible. Tom, Jessie, Danny, you're going to check the security systems, just in case someone did hack. The rest of us will search for any cloaked ships," Chakotay said.
"What about Janeway? Shouldn't she be giving the orders?" Harry asked.
"Are you kidding?" Chakotay muttered.
"No, but I wish I was," Harry said.
"Ok everyone, dismissed," Chakotay said. Everyone but Kathryn left the room.
Kathryn's face lit up, she ran over to the chair that James was sitting on earlier. "Jamesy!" she yelled as she started to hug the chair. Then she noticed it was actually a chair, "aaaw." She turned to the chair Harry was sitting on and she did the same again.. and again.. you get the idea.
Jessie, Danny and Tom were all going down the corridor. They all stopped outside one of the doors. "According to the sensors the Cherry Coke was replicated in these quarters," Tom said.
"Who's quarters are they?" Jessie asked.
"Who cares, the quicker I'm out of this team the better," Danny grumbled.
"Ah hem," Jessie coughed.
"No offence to you of course," Danny said as she patted Jessie on the back.
"Um, these quarters are spare ones," Tom said. He keyed in something on the side panel and he walked straight in. The others followed him.
Jessie went over to the replicator on the main wall. Danny followed her and she scanned the replicator. "Yeh, this is the one he or she used."
"If these are spare quarters how are we going to know who did it?" Jessie asked.
Tom squinted his eyes as he went over to the girls. "What's that?"
"What's what?" Danny asked.
Tom reached over and he picked up a small blue jewelled stone. "This, what's this?"
Jessie snatched the stone off him, "this looks familiar."
"How can it not look familiar, Jess? It's a ring stone, nothing special," Danny muttered.
"No look," Jessie said as she put the stone in some light. As she did it changed from blue to green. "I've only seen one ring that did that."
"Which ring?" Danny asked.
"The girl in the Big Bully house had a small ring with several of these stones in it, she kept shoving it in my face. She turned out to be a FVDA member didn't she?" Jessie replied.
"So B'Elanna was right, it could've been the FVDA," Tom said.
on the planet:
James and Ian were both heading to what looked like a police station. "Still don't know how you managed to get here," James was muttering.
"Neither do I, I didn't think the being annoying tactic would work on a Vulcan," Ian said. He gently rubbed his black eye.
The pair went inside the building. Ian looked around nervously as several of the aliens started following them. "Uh, I hope we're here for a very good reason."
"Yeah, the whole Security team got introduced to somebody high in this police department. We need to talk to him," James said.
"Ok but, did any of you.. especially you say any jokes about police?" Ian asked.
"I was tempted but no, why?" James asked.
"Hey humans, raided any good planets lately?" one police officer asked.
"Oh, that's why," James muttered as he and Ian stopped.
"How long have we got left? We need to make sure we've drank all of the coffee before you raid," a second police officer said. All of the police officers laughed.
"Don't worry about it. You should only be worried when our sister ship arrives, their Captain raids planets for donuts," Ian said.
"Hey, you stole my joke," James grumbled.
"You had your chance," Ian said.
"I tell you humans what. I'll give you this cup of coffee if you don't raid us," police officer 1 said. He intentionally dropped the cup onto the floor. "Oops, oh dear. They're going to declare war on us." The officers laughed again.
"Oh believe me, you're not going to get attacked. Judging by your crap sense of humour I don't think you're worth it," James said.
Ian looked really nervous. He and James then headed away from the annoying cops. As they did Kathryn arrived.
"Hey human, raided any good planets lately?" police officer 1 asked.
"Yep," Kathryn replied.
"How long have we got left? We need to make sure we've drank all of the coffee before you raid," police officer 2 said. All of the police officers laughed again.
"Oh my god, I'd better do it soon!" Kathryn panicked.
"I tell you humans what. I'll give you this cup of coffee if you don't raid us," police officer 1 said. Before he got a chance to drop the cup Kathryn snatched it out of his hands and drank it down.
"Hehehe, deal!" Kathryn giggled. She fell on the floor, she noticed the coffee spilt on the floor. She looked up. "Who spilt this coffee?"
"He did," police officer 2 replied.
Kathryn growled, she jumped on top of police officer 1 and she started to beat him up.
Totally ignoring the commotion was Ian, James and a nice police guy. "I'm sorry I can't give you anymore information. We've checked every large storage place in an one hundred mile radius, there's nothing."
"So who's working on this case?" Ian asked.
"Look, we've got more important matters to work on right now. You know like murders, robberies.. you get the idea," the police guy replied.
"Yes well this is a robbery we're talking about here," James said.
"If you must know, the man that your Captain is beating up was working on it. I doubt he will now," the police guy said.
Another guy came over, he whispered something in his ear before rushing off again. "What's up?" Ian asked.
"My boss is coming up, if she catches humans here she'll have my head," the police guy replied.
"Why do your people hate us so much anyway?" Ian asked.
"Not all of us do. There's been a lot of rumours going around about your ship. Most of them are about your ship raiding planets for coffee. I find that one hard to believe myself," the police guy replied. Ian and James glanced at each other.
A woman marched up to the three looking really annoyed. "What the hell are these two doing here!"
"Uh.." the police guy stuttered.
"We're just hanging, what are you doing here?" Ian asked casually. James elbowed him hard.
"I am the one in charge here," the woman replied.
"Oh, so you're that Dayes Harren we heard about," Ian said.
"Well it's obvious," James muttered.
"Listen you filthy pieces of crap. If it is one of our citizens that committed the crime, we'll deal with it. We'll find your cold coffee," Dayes said.
"Um, it's actually Cherry Coke," James said.
"You know I could put you into a jail cell for a day. There are plenty of spaces for weasels like the two of you," Dayes said.
"Now that's a funny first date Dayes," Ian said.
"Get the hell out of my building!" Dayes screamed.
"Ok, but what's your number?" Ian asked as James pushed him out the room. Dayes rolled her eyes.
James and Ian had joined Jessie, Danny and Ian at a table. "What makes you think it was stolen by the FVDA?" Ian asked.
"This ring stone belongs to a ring that Myleene Klass wore," Jessie replied.
"But isn't it possible that the people who made the rings made more than one of them?" Ian asked.
"I knew you'd say that," Danny groaned.
"Oh come on, that is not enough," Ian said.
"But it is, who else has been trying to cause bother for us?" Tom asked.
"But what has stealing the Cherry Coke going to do?" Ian asked.
"Reality check, these guys don't know what they're doing. The most they've done to us is caused a fight between Jessie & me and you & Danny. Oh and they stole our story index," James said.
"Let's hope the Fifth Voyager episode archive wasn't in there," Tom joked.
Some guy pushed passed the table, James stopped him by grabbing his arm. "You read my mind, that's one of the rings," Jessie said.
"Hey, who do you think you are!" the guy yelled.
"No, you first. Who are you?" James asked.
"Justin, now get the hell off me!" the guy replied.
"Justin who?" Tom asked with his eyebrow raised.
"Timber.. er Timberriver," the guy replied. Jessie moved her chair closer, she took the ring off Justin's hand.
"Now do you believe it Ian?" Jessie asked.
Ian rolled his eyes. James let Justin go and he ran off. Jessie took out the stone ring and she compared it to the ring. "Well, he's clean."
"You should have checked before letting him go," Danny said.
"I know but I was touching Justin Timberlake," James said.
"So, what are we going to do?" Jessie asked.
"We're going to have to check every ring," Danny replied.
"But that's impossible, there could be loads of them," Tom said.
"Yeah but the one who did has to be on the planet, and it'll probably be a member we've already met," Danny said.
"She's right, it's going to take a while but we're going to have to do it," Jessie said.
"If we split up it'll take less time," James said.
"If we don't bother it'll take even less time," Ian said. Everyone turned to stare at him.
Tom was chasing after this big guy on a racing track. He caught up and he tried to look at the guys hand. He slowed down and stopped. Danny and James came over. "Ok, Danny do your stuff," James said.
"Okeydokey," Danny said. She went in the opposite direction to the guy, eventually he got to her. She immediately put on a flirty look. "Hi, you training huh?"
"Uh yeah, excuse me," the guy said.
"Ooh that's a pretty ring, can I have a look at it?" Danny asked.
The guy groaned and he continued running. James and Tom came back over to her side. "Maybe James should flirt with him," Tom said. James slowly turned to glare at him, he didn't notice.
"I think we need a Plan B," Danny said.
Jessie and Ian were standing next to a girl at a stall. Jessie looked at the girls hand when she was not looking. She looked back up and she saw the girl was grinning at her. She quickly turned to Ian, who was sniggering. "Ian, pretend to be my boyfriend," Jessie whispered.
"Ha, no problem," Ian said. He slipped his arm around Jessie's waist. She elbowed him as a result, he quickly put his arm around her shoulders instead.
The girl looked away, "damn it." She walked away.
Jessie pushed Ian's arm off her. "It wasn't her," she said.
"Why am I not surprised," Ian said.
Some large guy just won a match at arm wrestling with another guy. Ian, James, Danny and Jessie were standing nearby.
"Can you see the stones in the ring?" Danny asked.
"Not without looking like I have a bad neck.. which I will have if I try," James replied.
"I've got an idea, one of us arm wrestle him," Jessie replied. She, Danny and Ian glanced towards James. He rolled his eyes.
"Why's it always me!?" James cried.
"Because Ian's a weakling," Danny said.
"Hey, speak for yourself," Ian muttered. Danny glared at him before elbowing him hard in the ribs.
"Just do it, challenge him. If you do I'll give you.." Jessie said, she whispered the rest into James' ear.
"Ooh, give him a what?" Danny asked in her usual dirty way. Ian groaned.
"You wanna know? Ok, I'm going to give him all of your share of the Cherry Coke when we get it back," Jessie replied.
"Oh, the cheek of it. I'll arm wrestle him to get it back," Danny said.
"That wasn't what you said, but never mind," James said quietly.
"Well, what's she going to give you?" Ian asked.
"I have to arm wrestle that guy," James said, ignoring Ian. He went up to the guy, and sat down. James got a good look at the ring before quickly winning.
"This is impossible, my arm must be tired," the guy said, looking rather embarrassed.
"If that's the case, I'll arm wrestle you now," Ian said quickly. He sat down opposite the guy. Ian was quickly losing so he cheated by using two hands. The guy got angry and he threw him across the room.
"Ian really needs to turn that body fat into muscle," Danny muttered.
Ian limped back looking teed off. "That's not fat," he muttered before collapsing.
The group were all sitting at a table near the window. Ian had a smug look on his face.
"I told you," Ian said for the third time.
"No, the person who stole the supplies is a member of the FVDA," Jessie said.
"There's been no other ship near Voyager since the robbery, and we've checked every human on the planet. None of them have a missing stone in their FVDA ring," Ian said.
"Wait a minute, did any of the scans cover the planet's moons?" Danny asked.
"No, I don't think so," James replied.
"Tom and Ian can go there to check that out. The robber must be there," Danny said.
"It was your idea, why aren't you going?" Tom asked.
"I don't like you two," Danny replied.
"Make them two go with you instead," Tom said.
"Um, no we're busy," Jessie said.
"Oh yeah, the bribe you gave him. I guess we'll never find out what it is," Danny said.
"Bribe?" Tom said with interest.
"It's just a trip to the holodeck," James said.
"But isn't that skiving?" Tom asked.
"Yes, I'm well aware of that word," James replied.
"A little too familiar with it too," Ian muttered.
In: "Tuvok to all Security teams. Report to the meeting point on the planet."
The gang got up from the table, they all rushed out.
The whole Security members were outside a tall building. The alien cops were all their too. Tom, James, Jessie, Danny and Ian were the last to arrive on the scene.
"Tuvok, what's going on?" Tom asked as he looked around.
"Crewman Arther has committed suicide," Tuvok replied.
"What!?" the gang exclaimed.
"Now that's what I call a bad addiction to Cherry Coke," Ian said.
"Nah, Arther hated the stuff," Tom said.
"And you would know that, how?" Jessie said.
"I just conveniently know," Tom said.
"I am allowed to enter the area, but Miss Harren has insisted that I am only allowed there because the crewmember is ours," Tuvok said.
"Great, you can tell she really needs some Ian attention," Ian said. The others turned to stare at him.
"Who gets the idea that this guy didn't commit suicide?" Jessie asked.
"It does seem suspicious, I mean why would he do that?" Ian replied.
"I will investigate this thoroughly, you should all concentrate on the original investigation," Tuvok said.
"Are you sure that's a good idea, you know what happens when you investigate murders," Tom said.
"That has yet to happen, Mr Paris," Tuvok said. He headed towards the building.
"Right, I have a plan," Danny said.
"So you said in the last scene, Dan. Some of us go to the moon, we get it," Tom said.
"Shut up and let me talk. Right, Ian and Tom will check out the larger moon. James and I will check out the second moon," Danny said.
"Er hello? What about me?" Jessie asked.
"Um.. you keep an eye on Tuvok just in case he goes evil on us," Danny replied.
"Admit it, you forgot about me," Jessie said.
Danny looked nervous, "how could I ever do that. I was just saving the best to last."
"Ha, if you believe that, you'll believe anything," Tom laughed.
"Shut up Tom, you're just jealous cos you and Ian were mentioned first," Jessie said.
Ian stepped closer to James, "hey if you cheat she'll never care. Just tell her she's better than the girl you're cheating with."
James glanced at Ian with a raised eyebrow. "You're weird, you realise that right?"
"Of course," Ian replied.
Ian and Tom rematerialised on the moon's surface. All that was there was a rundown house, they both headed towards it. As soon as they got to the door it opened, a gun was pointed at them.
"Um, hi there," Tom said.
"What do you humans want?" the guy asked.
"You look human, why did you.." Ian replied.
"What do you want?" the guy asked.
"Does any celebrities come by here?" Ian asked.
"Why, are you some annoying critics?" the guy replied.
"No sir, we're just film fans," Tom said.
"My son is a pop star," the guy muttered.
"I'm the music fan, he just likes films," Ian said quickly.
"Which pop star lives here then?" Tom asked.
"Darren Hayes used to live here, now go away," the guy replied.
"Darren Hayes, oh I love that guy," Ian said cheerfully. Tom stared at him. "Not in that way of course."
"Are you a Darren hater?" the guy asked.
"No, I'm his biggest ever fan," Ian replied.
"Really he is, you won't believe how many posters he has on his wall," Tom said.
"Thanks for making me sound gay, Tom," Ian muttered.
"No problem," Tom said.
A woman came up to the door, she tried to take the gun away from the guy. "Put that down, he's a fan of our son." The guy groaned and he walked back into the house. "So nice to meet you both, I'm Judy.. and that was my husband Richard. We're Darren's parents."
"Really, way cool," Ian said.
"Would you like to come in? I made some cookies," Judy asked.
"Yeah, thanks," Ian replied. Judy went back into the house, Tom and Ian followed her.
"So is Darren coming over anytime soon?" Tom asked.
"He ain't coming home, ever," Richard replied.
"Why not?" Ian asked.
"Where have you been? Everyone knows that Darren was sent to the mental hospital on the planet. He was very depressed after his girlfriend, Gwen Stefani dumped him," Richard replied. Judy came over to stand by his side, holding a tray.
"It was those idiots on Voyager's fault everyone knows that. Especially that James fella, he had a thing for that Gwen which started all the trouble off," Judy said.
"Really?" Tom said with a grin. Ian elbowed him.
"Yes, if it wasn't for him Gwen and Darren would still be together. That young man should die horribly and rot in hell. Do you want a cookie?" Judy said.
Ian and Tom glanced at each other nervously. "Uh, no thanks," Tom said.
"I can't resist, yes please," Ian said. Judy handed him a large microphone shaped cookie. Tom watched him with his eyebrow raised.
Ian and Tom emerged from the house, Ian was busy licking the crumbs off his fingers. "Those are top quality cookies."
"You moron, you could've took it and ate it later. If my theory is right James could be in trouble," Tom said.
"Oh please, you still think the FVDA are responsible," Ian groaned.
"Responsible or not we have to find him, Darren will be after him right," Tom said.
"I guess, but you'd think Darren would be just as mad at Danny, Jessie and me," Ian said.
"Weren't you listening, he had a thing for Gwen remember," Tom said with a sly look on his face.
Ian shook his head, "Gwen is a female version of you, just worse. She made up stuff and spread it around. She told everyone James had a thing for her. In a way it's her fault she and Darren broke up."
"Oh who cares. We'd better contact James and Danny," Tom said. He tapped his commbadge. "Paris to Scott."
In: "Yeah, found anything?"
"We sure have," Tom replied.
"James is going to join those supplies, we've got to know where he is now," Ian said.
In: "He went to check out one of the houses. I'll get there now..."
Tom and Ian glanced at each other. Tom re-tapped his commbadge. "Paris to Scott.. Paris to Taylor." He got no response. "The comm's gone dead. We've got to get to that moon," Tom said.
"If the comm's gone dead how are we going to do that. Jump?" Ian said sarcastically.
Tom tapped his commbadge again, "Paris to Voyager."
In: "Chakotay here, go ahead."
Tom smiled, he whispered, "moron."
"Stop calling me that!" Ian exclaimed.
"We need to transport to Danny and James' last known co-ordinates, now," Tom said.
In: "Right, are you going to tell us what's going on?"
"Not really no," Ian replied.
In: "Typical, initiate transport Harry."
Tom and Ian dematerialised.
"This is so uncomfortable," Danny muttered.
Myleene, who had her arm around her neck to hold her back, tried her best to smile evilly. "Is my arm around your neck too tight sweetheart?"
"No, it's just something big is sticking in my back. It's really worrying," Danny replied.
"Ugh, Gwen warned me about your disgusting mind," Myleene said.
"Nobody warned me about you," Danny groaned.
Johnny came over to stand in front of her. "So, we have one part of our bait. We just need our second one, just for safety."
"Bait for what exactly.. oh wait, for a second there I was catching your stupidity," Danny said.
"Can you take over, my arm really aches?" Myleene asked sweetly.
Danny nodded her head, "please do, it's less worrying plus there won't be anything sticking in my back."
"I can't help it, it's not my fault," Myleene moaned.
"Keep a hold of her Myleene, it is your fault she's more uncomfortable than she should be and.... Hey, I just got what she said!" Johnny exclaimed.
"Actually I never thought about it. Ha, you're the dirty one and it's not me," Danny laughed, she stuck her tongue out too.
"How long do we have to stay here like morons?" Myleene asked.
"Until somebody notices who's got her as bait, it won't work then," Johnny replied.
"Well that's my point, someone's just seen now," Myleene said.
"Great, can you let go of me now?" Danny asked as she fidgeted.
"Just when things couldn't get worse they do," James said.
Johnny finally got it and he turned around. "All right, now we can go. Ok, Myleene."
"Wow he's cute," Myleene whispered. Johnny rolled his eyes.
"So it's you two that's responsible, right?" James said.
Myleene turned to Johnny, "do you think he'll say yes if I ask him out." Danny laughed loudly.
James pulled a disgusted face, "is it just me Dan, but doesn't she look like a trout?" Danny nodded her head.
"What's a trout?" Myleene asked. Everyone but she and Danny collapsed Pokémon style.
"Myleene, stay focused. We'd be better off using you when there's no men around," Johnny muttered.
"Look, this is a really lovely scene we're having, but don't you think you should be leaving Danny alone and giving us what's ours?" James asked.
"What about giving you what's yours, me!" Myleene giggled. Johnny tried to cover her mouth but ended up slapping Danny at the first attempt.
"Try anything and this girl dies," Johnny said.
"I really hate Hear'say," Danny muttered.
"Who doesn't," James said.
"Hey," Johnny and Myleene moaned.
Ian and Tom arrived on the scene. Myleene looked like she was going to pass out when she spotted them. Johnny rolled his eyes again. "Myleene, you know what to do," he said as he pulled out a remote.
Myleene giggled, with her spare hand she grabbed Ian's arm. When she did she, Johnny, Danny and Ian disappeared.
Tom glanced around, "someone tell me what happened."
"Don't look at me," James said.
"That's not so hard," Tom said.
Tom and James came in the main room. Their mouths dropped in shock at the sight before them.
"Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!" all the police officers yelled as Kathryn drank down a whole cup of coffee.
"I win!" she screamed.
"Let's just keep going," James said slowly. He headed towards Dayes' office.
"I wish I had a camera, this would be really good blackmail footage," Tom said. James grabbed his arm and he dragged him with him.
Dayes was sitting at her desk with a cup of coffee of her own. James and Tom were sitting opposite her.
"So, you think you have more info on the case than we do? Humour me," Dayes said.
"Jessie and Tom found a ring stone belonging to a FVDA member. We caught another member with a similar ring. We figured that the one responsible for the robbery is a member of the FVDA. They've been trying to cause trouble for ages," James said. He turned to Tom who was staring at the walls looking bored. James lightly elbowed him.
"Ooops sorry. Ian and I went to one of the moons. We found a celebrity parent's house, the parents of Darren Hayes," Tom said.
"Who?" Dayes said questioningly.
"He and some girl called Gwen Stefani were the regular rumour starters in our college. Quite recently they revealed themselves as FVDA members. Darren and Gwen hated Danny, Ian, Jessie and me," James said.
"But according to Richard and Judy, who aren't Darren's real parents by the way, James had a thing for Gwen. That's what started to tear them apart. Judy want's James to rot in hell, I can't imagine what Darren feels about him," Tom said.
"Wait a minute, I didn't have a thing for her," James said.
"Ian said that she might have made it up," Tom said.
Dayes smiled, "why would she want to ruin her own relationship?"
"Because Gwen loved to cause a fuss, she mainly did it to make my life around college even more hell than it already was," James replied.
"What I'd like to know is what were two 21st century celebs doing in a Starfleet college anyway. Surely the FVDA weren't around then," Tom asked.
Dayes stood up, she went around the desk. "Hmm, so why would they steal a worthless drink and kidnap two losers?" Dayes asked.
"Losers, they're not losers," James said.
"Maybe Ian is," Tom muttered.
"You know how I feel about humans, you're all losers to me," Dayes said.
"Charming," Tom said.
"We've narrowed the culprit down to one suspect, Darren Hayes. He's had a grudge on me and my friends for ages. He must of asked his minions to kidnap those two as bait, I dunno. I'm guessing they stole the Cherry Coke cos we're all addicts," James replied.
Dayes glanced back and forth at the two guys. She sat on the front of her desk. "Maybe you two humans aren't such losers after all."
"She's right about me that's for sure," Tom said. He squealed like a girl which made Dayes stare at him then James.
James smiled, "I stood on his toe."
Tom pouted, "little bully."
"So, where are these kidnappers of yours? We may as well catch them," Dayes asked.
"Supposedly Darren was put into a mental home. He's probably got Johnny and Myleene to work for him while he's there," Tom replied.
"Either that or the whole FVDA wanted to steal the Cherry Coke, and Darren just wants revenge on me," James said.
"Or that, but it doesn't matter. If we find him in the nut house we'll have a chance at finding out where the others are," Tom said.
Dayes stood back up from the desk. "Ok, well we'll take care of that. You two run along home," she said.
"What, wait a minute. This is our problem," James said.
"Yes and your first officer wanted help from us. We will return what was stolen from you," Dayes said. She glanced towards Tom with a flirty look on her face. "Besides, I can make it worth your while." She kissed Tom on the forehead.
Tom's eyes widened and he shoved his chair back a bit. "Maybe we should be going."
"We'll deal with this," Dayes said with a menacing glare on her face.
James and Tom both stood up. "Sorry this is our problem, we'll fix it," Tom said. He and James left the room. Tom eventually noticed James trying not to laugh. "Hey, at least she liked me!"
"I don't care," James said. He laughed and he went on ahead. Tom pouted again, he quickly caught up.
the Conference Room:
What was left of the main cast were at the table. Luckily Kathryn was still on the planet.
"So has anyone had any luck in finding the mental institution?" Chakotay asked.
"I found one really easily, it's on the Southern continent," Harry replied.
"Wow that's impressive, how did you find it so quickly?" Claire asked.
"Simple, this series is insane.. all we needed to do was to scan for insanity. Voyager's sensors know it so well it found it easily," Harry replied.
"That's actually quite worrying," Lee muttered.
"Nah, insanity is actually healthy," Faye said.
"Nah," everyone muttered.
"What, it is. Why does everyone disagree with my theories?" Faye asked.
"Since your character is based on Marill we made up a few rules about you. 1, don't believe any of your promises. 2, disagree with everything you say," Tom replied.
Faye pouted, "I hate being me."
"Yep, that's Marill," Tom said cheerfully. Faye burst out crying, she ran out of the room.
"Well done Tom, you've mentally scarred her for life," Chakotay said.
"Oops," Tom muttered.
"Anyway, back to the story. What do we need this mental institution for?" Chakotay asked. Kathryn stumbled into the room looking drunk.
"Hey, who said to have a meeting without me!" she yelled. She sat down on Faye's chair, she started to spin on it.
"Er simple, Darren Hayes is our man and he's there," Tom replied.
"We've got to get in there. We need somebody nuts enough to fool the doctors," James said. Everyone looked at Kathryn.
"Hey! Don't look at me, look at James," Kathryn said angrily.
"Yeah like I'm more nuts than you are," James muttered.
"Look I'm sure we'll find a sensible solution to this problem," Chakotay said.
"Main cast vote. Who thinks James should go?" Tom asked. A lot of people put their hands up, including Jessie. James glanced at her looking shocked.
"Hey," he moaned.
"What, I'm just being honest," Jessie said innocently.
"Who thinks Janeway should go?" Tom asked. He put his own hand up, Chakotay and a few others did. "Anyone suggest anybody else?" Tom asked.
"Faye?" Lee said questioningly. He squealed like a girl. "Claire, don't stand on my toe!" he yelled.
"The main cast have decided," Tom said as he glanced towards James.
"No way, Lee suggested Faye.. we should do another vote to include her too," James said.
"Ok, whoever has the highest hands goes into the nut house. Second place goes down as a nutty relative," Tom said.
at the nut house:
An old doctor went over to Kathryn and Jessie. "Hello, who do you want me to have a look at it."
"My little baby," Kathryn cooed.
Jessie smiled nervously. "Er, my fiancée.. Jerry." The three turned to James who was sitting, pouting.
"I am not insane!" he yelled.
"Denial," Jessie muttered.
"What are his symptoms?" the doctor asked.
"Every now and then he acts like he's at school, it's due to start at 9," Jessie replied.
"Oh please," James groaned.
Jessie tried not to look mad as she knelt down next to him. She whispered something in his ear. He looked a bit pale afterwards. He nodded his head. Jessie smiled sweetly and she stood up again.
"Ohno, he's turned white. Oh my baby," Kathryn cooed. Jessie tried to keep a straight face. She looked at her conveniently new watch.
"It's time," Jessie said.
"Time for what?" James asked.
"It's nine, you know what that means. Right?" Jessie replied.
"I don't want to go to school today, the boys pick on me," James said.
"I see, what do these boys do?" the doctor asked.
"They call me gay," James replied.
"You're not gay, you have a fiancée," the doctor said.
"I know that!" James yelled.
"I'll smack those bullies silly," Kathryn said.
The doctor turned to Jessie. "Does his family have a history of mental illness?"
"Hang on, let me think about that," Jessie said sarcastically.
"Uh huh. Well let me show you around the place, we might be able to fit both of them in," the doctor said. He walked off. Kathryn followed him.
"Maybe we should put her in for real," James said to Jessie.
Jessie laughed, "it's for her own good."
The doctor was doing the grand tour around the nut house. He was busy pointing out several doors. "That's one of the doctor's office, and that's the patient item storage room. Down the hall is the refectory.." he was busy saying.
"No not break time, can I stay on detention.. please can I. The bullies pick on me in the playground," James asked, getting into his role a bit too much.
"Um, you're on detention," the doctor said nervously.
"Oh bugger," James muttered. He stood against the wall.
Jessie tried to keep a straight face while Kathryn was busy staring at the walls. "He'll be fine here for 15 minutes," Jessie said.
"Right, I'll show you some of the rooms we have available," the doctor said.
"Great," Jessie said as she glanced at Kathryn. The doctor, Jessie and Kathryn disappeared around the corner.
James turned away from the wall. he went over to the storage room door. He tried opening it but it was locked. He tried again and he accidentally broke the handle off, that opened the door.
The only source of light in the dim room was a nearby small window. Large stocking shelves were filled with medium sized boxes. James looked through some of them, he found one with Darren Hayes written on the side. He took the box off the shelf and he put it on the ground.
Inside the box was a few CDs, photo's of Gwen and Darren, a few notepads and sheets of newspaper. After skimming through the small notepads he found a newspaper article. He shrugged and started to take things out of the box.
James picked up what looked like a cut out bit of a paper. "Local woman changes name to please new lover. Her new name is now Dayes Harren, she will be joining the local police force under that name," he read.
James and Jessie were sitting on the sofa, nearly half asleep. James was holding a PADD with a picture of Darren Hayes on it, in his other hand he had the newspaper article.
"What the hell does Darren have to do with this Dayes thing?" James asked.
"I dunno," Jessie muttered. She lay down on the sofa, she fell asleep.
"Let's face it, Darren's outsmarted us again," James muttered as he put the PADD down nearby Jessie's face. She moved slightly when he did. "You'd think he'd make a little simpler for us."
He looked down at the PADD again. Jessie's hair was now covering bits of the PADD, it made Darren look like a woman. "Jessie, I have a crazy theory."
"It can't be as bad as the last crazy theory you had," Jessie muttered.
"It isn't. Does either of these names sound similar at all? Dayes Harren and Darren Hayes," James asked.
Jessie sat up looking shocked. "Why didn't we think of that before. Dayes is Darren, Darren is Dayes. He just killed the woman and swapped places with her," Jessie said.
"This is quite funny, Darren flirted with Tom and kissed him on the forehead. Oh my god.. I didn't think Darren was gay. No wonder Gwen dumped him," James said.
Jessie tried to keep a straight face. "Darren likes Tom?"
"Yeah, and just when I was saying he should have made it simpler for us. He just mixed up the letters in his name to make a different name," James said.
"So should we tell Tom?" Jessie asked.
"He won't believe us, but it could be fun," James replied.
next morning, the planet:
A shuttle was hanging around behind a bunch of tall trees that were outside the police building. Inside the shuttle were James, Jessie and Tom.
"This is a really crazy plan, do you think it'll work?" Jessie asked.
"Nope, Darren doesn't know me right?" Tom replied.
"Exactly, that's why I have to do your part of the plan, and you'll do mine," James said.
"And what was that part again?" Tom asked nervously.
"The most dangerous part since it's you," Jessie said with a grin on her face.
"Can't I swap places with Jessie now?" Tom asked nervously.
"No, what kind of person would I be if I let you have the phaser?" James replied.
"A really nice one," Tom muttered.
"Nope, a really stupid one," Jessie said.
"Thanks Jess, let's get down to business," James said.
"Who made you in charge anyway?" Tom grumbled.
James ignored him. "Dayes is on the move, let's go Tom."
"Fine," Tom groaned.
on one of the moons:
Danny and Ian were both tied to posts in a large storage bay. Myleene and Johnny were both standing nearby all of the Cherry Coke supplies.
"Being around all this Cherry Coke is making me thirsty," Ian muttered.
"Doesn't it always?" Danny said.
Johnny picked up one of the bottles, he started drinking some right in front of Ian. Dayes came into the room, when she did Johnny rushed back over to where Myleene was.
Dayes glanced at Ian and Danny like she was inspecting them. She went over to Ian. "Ian Richards. Does it look like you've met me before?" Dayes asked.
"I dunno, did I date you back on the Marquis ship or something?" Ian replied.
Both Danny and Dayes rolled their eyes. "Same old Ian," Dayes muttered.
"Obviously not," Ian said.
"Oh come on, you haven't dated anybody in three years," Danny said.
"Liar!" Ian yelled. Danny just shrugged.
Dayes went up really close to Ian, "does either of you want any snacks, drinks? I'll be right back." She kissed Ian right on the lips, and she walked off. Myleene and Johnny both glanced at each other looking disgusted.
"She must be drunk," Danny muttered.
Everyone heard a banging noise coming from nearby. "I'll check that out," Johnny said.
Johnny went over to some of the Cherry Coke supplies. He noticed an empty bottle, he picked it up. "What the.." Suddenly a couple of full bottles landed on his head. He fell to the ground. James came over.
"Damn, those bottles will be really fizzed up now," James muttered.
Myleene rushed over, she helped Johnny to his feet. "This brings a whole new meaning to sugar is bad for your health," Johnny said.
"That's teeth sweety," Myleene said.
"Damn, those bottles have made me dumber than you," Johnny groaned. Somebody tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, he got punched in the face. He fell into the water.
"Hey, cute and strong. Maybe we should go out for a drink sometime," Myleene said in her flirty voice. Suddenly she pulled out a knife, she ran towards James. He rolled his eyes as he pushed her into the water. Guess what floated on the top.
"No, water! I'm melting!" she screamed.
"Ookay," James said. He went over to where Danny and Ian were.
"Finally, untie us," Ian said.
"Yeah before his girlfriend comes back, I have a feeling why she wanted him tied him up," Danny said.
Ian and James both groaned. "Thanks Danny, you've made this episode a 12," Ian said.
"Who's your girlfriend? It isn't Myleene is it?" James asked as he started untying Danny.
Dayes arrived on the scene holding a weapon. "That's her," Danny said.
"Oh," James muttered.
Dayes pulled out a small device. She spoke into it, "all officers come to the water factory. I've caught the coke robber, it's none other than one of Voyager's crewmembers."
"Ah, now the plan makes sense," James muttered.
"What plan?" Danny and Ian asked in unison.
"Explain later," James replied.
on the shuttle:
Tom and Jessie were listening in to what was going on. "Right, that's our cue," Tom said.
"Good, I like this bit," Jessie said as she picked up a weird device.
"I don't," Tom said.
"This isn't going to work, why would I steal all of the supplies?" James said.
"So you can have it all to yourself obviously," Dayes said as she slowly came over to the three.
"I knew it," Ian said jokingly.
"Oh that helps Ian," James said.
"You're welcome," Ian said.
"Shut up!" Dayes yelled.
"Jacka**," James muttered.
"That was uncalled for," Ian said.
Dayes rolled her eyes, she fired the weapon at the ceiling. The noise made the others jump. "If you're going to fight then I may as well kill the girl first. Wouldn't want you to miss that huh?"
"Thanks a lot," Danny muttered.
"He started it," James said.
"Did not," Ian moaned.
"Oh grow up," James muttered.
"Speak for yourself, only kids say you started it," Ian said.
"But it was true though," James said.
Dayes pointed the weapon right at James' head. "Shut up," she muttered.
"See, you're more annoying," Ian said.
"Oh yeah, well at least I haven't kissed a guy," James said.
"What's that got to do with any... I mean, no I haven't," Ian said, he turned red. Danny just laughed.
"Speaking of which.." James started to say. Dayes reloaded the weapon, which was still pointed at his head.
"What were you going to say?" Dayes asked angrily.
"I just wanted to ask Ian which guy he's talking about, cos..." James replied.
"This isn't cool guys," Ian muttered.
"Oooh me too. Was he hot?" Danny giggled.
"Shut up," Dayes groaned.
Ian shook his head over and over. "It was barely a peck, it was dark, I thought he was someone else!"
"Yeah, that happens a lot huh," James commented.
Dayes was literally fuming at this point. "That's it, you are going first," she said.
"I got that idea since you've had that pointed at my head for five minutes," James said. Dayes lowered the weapon when she heard her back up arriving. "Whoops, nearly got found out there."
Dayes turned to her back up. "Put him under arrest, I can't take it anymore." She turned back to her hostages, when she did James hit her. But the police people were just watching, instead of pointing guns they were just eating donuts.
"I thought you didn't hit women," Danny said.
"You don't understand, she's not really a.." James started to say. He was interrupted by Dayes hitting him with the weapon she had. He fell to the ground.
"Ouch," Ian muttered.
Dayes went over to where James was lying. He just managed to kick her in the leg. She fell to the ground.
Dayes pulled herself up, "kill him, kill him now!"
The police people threw away their donuts and pulled out their guns quickly. They were about to fire when they heard sound of the door opening. Jessie pushed Tom, with an alien forehead, into the room, she quickly put a phaser to his neck. "Hold your fire or he dies!"
"Do you have to poke that into my neck so hard?" Tom moaned. Jessie replied by pushing the phaser into his neck harder.
"He took all the Cherry Coke, blamed us for stealing it, kidnapped his own friends, and he attacked me! Just shoot him!" Dayes yelled in a fit of rage.
"That's not right," Tom said.
"Shh," Jessie whispered.
"That's a good theory, let me tell you mine and you can decide which one makes more sense," James said.
A few police guys looked at their watches. "Is it going to take long?" one asked.
"Isn't this your job?" Danny said.
"Oh yeah," the same cop muttered.
"I'll keep it short and not very sweet. A guy called Darren Hayes got dumped by his rumour loving girlfriend, blamed it on Danny, Ian, Jessie and mostly me and went totally revenge nuts. He was thrown into a nut house, but he escaped. He got another girlfriend, the head of the police department, somehow got her to change her name to be like his. A little while later the Cherry Coke supplies disappeared from Voyager. One security team member must of stumbled across some evidence, so Darren killed him.." James said, he got his breath back afterwards.
"That guy committed suicide you moron," Dayes said.
"No he didn't, according to Tuvok he was injured before he fell to his death," Jessie said.
"Of course he would have. Some people like to hurt themselves before jumping," Dayes muttered.
Ian sniggered, James glanced at him. "Don't even say it," James muttered.
"So if it was Darren Hayes, where is he?" Ian asked.
"You're going to love this bit," Tom sniggered.
James went over to Dayes. "He's right here, posing as his new girlfriend." There was bemused silence, a few started to whisper amongst themselves. "The name was a little bit on the nose, wasn't it Darren?"
"What are you talking about?" Dayes scoffed unconvincingly. "My name is Harren. I wouldn't date a human, that idea is absurd."
One of the cops stepped up, frowning. "You knew an awful lot about them after your trip, you changed. And the name change, we all thought it was a weird thing to do."
"If the perp was trying to pose as his girlfriend, why go to the trouble of making her change her name to be like his own?" Dayes said smugly.
"Maybe she didn't," Jessie said, eyes narrowed.
James nodded, "you always did have a bit of an ego. What did you do with her, did you kill her first?"
Dayes laughed in disbelief, she looked around to see if anyone else were reacting like her but they were all quiet and tense. Her face tightened. "You believe this clown? Do I look like some scummy human man?"
"It is a pretty good disguise," one cop said.
Ian nodded a little too enthusiastically. "Yeah, I totally have no idea what's going on." Danny snorted instead of laughing, then bit her lip.
"You thought you could use the police here to cover up your tracks, frame us. But they were too afraid of you, no of her, to challenge you when you couldn't act the part. It's such a ridiculous idea posing as your girlfriend, I did think they'd all laugh at me and yet," James said, gesturing to the police around them, "when they heard it, it all made sense instead. No one believes you, you're done."
Dayes growled. "You. Always such a busy body, thinking he's so clever. It doesn't matter now. You're the one who's done." She suddenly charged for him. Instead of tackling him, instead she was flung over his shoulder and into the nearby tank of water.
A little device floated away from her, which she tried desperately to get back with one arm, the other across her torso. James reached out to pick it up first.
"No!" a completely different voice snarled from Dayes. Any of the cops still a bit on the fence looked on in shock. Her hair slouched to one side, exposing a shaven head underneath. She tried to fix it but it fell all the way off instead. "Taylor, you'll pay for this, for me and my sweet Gwen!" the masculine voice screeched.
"So er..." Ian sounded very nervous, and a few pitches higher, "the real Dayes Harren, she's still here right, knocked out very recently by this imposter, right?" He noticed Danny laughing quietly.
Tom and Jessie walked over towards them, Tom looking a little disappointed. "This is not gonna age well," he said, then clicked his tongue. Everyone stared at him curiously, making him uncomfortable.
night, Voyager's Mess Hall:
A party was going on, with lots of Cherry Coke being served of course. Most of the addicts were incredibly high on sugar.
"I'm so glad that was a guy in the end. But still, Neelix ugh," Jessie said.
"Of course you're freaked out about him, he's a spotty, hairy weird alien," James said.
"It's still enough to turn somebody gay, unless it was a guy that saw him," Jessie said. "Hey I just had a thought, we can leave this party and go and practise making out."
"You're hyper aren't you?" James asked.
"A little, not too much though," Jessie laughed.
"Ok, that's good enough," James said. He and Jessie left the Mess Hall, just in time as well.. Neelix was getting ready to streak again.
Just when Jessie and James started kissing a little bit, Thompson and O'Hara came out of the Mess Hall flirting.. they both did the same thing. James spotted them, "uh Jess?" he said nervously. Jessie ignored him, she started kissing his cheek.
Thompson and O'Hara stopped, they both noticed James and Jessie, at the same time Jessie noticed too. "Uhoh," Jessie muttered.
"I told you the turbolift," Thompson said.
"What are you two doing anyway?" O'Hara asked.
"We're drunk," Jessie quickly replied.
"Very drunk," James said.
"Yeah you'd have to be to go near that guy, see ya," O'Hara said. She and Thompson walked off down the corridor.
Danny came out of the hall looking freaked out. "Good thing you guys left, Neelix was really close to streaking again."
"Thank god I missed that," Jessie said.
"You know, I really love you guys," Danny said.
"Even Ian?" Jessie asked.
"Nah.. I said love didn't I?" Danny replied.
Jessie and James glanced at each other, then back at Danny. They both nodded. "You just love us cos we helped get the supplies back," James said.
"Partly I guess.. hey let's go and get hyped up," Danny said.
"We already are," Jessie said.
"Well you are anyway," James said.
"James," Danny said in a sing song voice. "You're suppose to put lip stick on your lips, not your cheek."
James wiped his face, "next time get the more expensive kind."
"I'm really drunk," Jessie said, she started giggling.
"You know I think some people would be better off if the supplies were still missing," Danny said.
"Whatever," James and Jessie said.
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