Marill Re-Reads Test of Time

I started this early around the time I was rebooting it, and I believe it was done before Unforgettable's re-read. There was so much crap in the beginning I had to comment. So without further ado.

First the stats now that my reviews have caught up. The red ones are new if you're reading this because I've accidentally (or thought what the hell and) uploaded it before Spirits has been released. I obviously didn't have the foresight to keep track of these then, but I've done a brief skim through to make it right. If I miss any I'll amend. Hopefully it'll be before the next episode's done/released. I intend to stop here temporarily since I've mostly caught up with the reboots. I have done Voyager Conspiracy's reboot so you never know, but after that I don't fancy doing an alright episode like Dark Frontier around its reboot time. This^ was because I knew it was AWFUL.

Exclaimed Count: 139

Muttered Count: 360

Motto Count: 11

Sexist crap (against my own gender) count: 14

Jessie's Sin Points: 7 (this was a new count added during Demon²'s review)

Morgan the Sue Count: 2 (was planned for but not counted during this reread)

Click here to skip ahead to part 2. Part 1 gets loooooooooooong.

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The episode starts out promising with a sorta funny Borg attack. I dunno what it has to do with the episode itself, apart from introducing the Twister mat.

Tom and Harry fell asleep on their stations. Craig asked a girl at the back of the Bridge out on a date. Morgan & Tani had set up a Twister mat. Tuvok did a meditation. Kathryn & Chakotay had a conversation about the next Talent Night. Kiara & Naomi played truth or dare. Jessie & James planned their next prank on the Doctor.

Usually when I do these long winded describe what everyone's doing in a one sentence each long paragraph, I try to make it funny. This, well... maybe if you imagine the Borg on the viewscreen while these are all happening. The Twister mat is random, Tom and Harry's nap and Craig's date attempt if you imagine him getting rejected too, they're all funny to me. The rest, boring. Next prank on the Doctor? I thought James and Jessie's S1 Holodeck pranks were towards Tom. Okay???

Voyager Dark Frontier's the Borg ship and go on their merry Twister way.

Opening credits! Stay tuned for the sleep over of the century, sponsored by Pokémon and Nintendo. And the people who bring you cutesy nightwear!

The girls were having a sleep over There was Jessie, Morgan, Triah, Kiara, Naomi & Tani. Jessie was wearing a Pokémon nightie with a Lickitung on it...

NO ONE CARES WHAT THE GIRLS ARE WEARING FOR THE SLEEP OVER

Wait, hang on. Jessie has a nightie with a fat pink creature with a tongue the same size as it, which licks its owner (with the same name as her in Pokémon! Oh I see what you did there) causing paralyses? I made Jessie like nice clothes, when?

Another episode onto my describe what female characters are wearing fanfiction crime list. I HONESTLY THOUGHT EVEN I WAS BETTER THAN THIS. *SOBS*

Tani was painting blonde and pink streaks in Morgan's black hair. Kiara was sucking on a lolly as she set up Morgan's infamous Twister Mat. Jessie and Triah were skitting Naomi's Nightie.

HAHAHA TWO GROWN WOMEN PICKING ON A LITTLE KID'S NIGHTIE DESIGN!

Jessie's Sin Points: +1 I mean come on, who'd point and laugh at a kid's obviously kiddy nightie WHILE wearing one yourself. Not cool.

Do we need to know about the lolly Kiara has? Does it get in the way of her Twister mat set up? Like she drops it and it gets sticky on one colour and someone gets their finger stuck, or she can't get the lolly off the mat and is in a huff for the majority of the episode?

Nope. As unnecessary as the Pokémon or animal on their clothes.

"Give me at least one cute Pokémon," Naomi sulked.

"Pikachu, Marill.. Eevee," Jessie said.

"Raichu, Ekans, Lickitung, Charmander," Triah said.

"Ditto, Chikorita, Cyndaquil," Jessie said.

Okay, Jessie has the right idea. Good.

Triah... WTF? If anyone was gonna say Lickitung, why wasn't it the girl wearing the nightie? Why does anyone think that thing is cute? Wait... did I and that's why??? I KNEW IT, EARLY FV WAS WRITTEN BY AN IMPOSTER!

Ekans, a purple snake being cute. At least Charmander sorta is.

Jessie, Jessie. A purple blob that can change its form into whatever its battling, or in 99% of all players cases whatever its gonna have babies with. Daaaaw!

Look, I know this must've been when Pokémon only had two generations and less cute to pick from, but sheesh!

What was the point of this? Nothing that's what.

SEASON ONE!

"Would you guys stop arguing, Pokémon is great, argument over," Morgan said.

"But.." Naomi muttered.

"How many DECENT soundtracks has Digimon got?" Triah asked.

Listen to Morgan!

"So, you're just saying that because Digimon's crap so you can't defend it," Jessie said.

"Yeah, here listen to this. Computer open playlist Triah Poké Alpha," Triah said. 'Pokémon World,' the enhanced longer version of one of the three Pokémon theme tunes started playing.

It's still going on. Kill me.

"Er guys, the mat is ready," Kiara said as she took her lolly out of her mouth.

"Great, we'll play twister as we listen to all twenty Pokémon Soundtracks," Tani said happily.

"This night is getting even better by the minute," Naomi said sarcastically.

I BET SHE STILL DROPPED THE LOLLY AND WE'RE NOT GONNA KNOW UNTIL THE THRILLING SCENE LATER OF JESSIE'S HAIR GETTING STUCK ON RED. WHILE SHE'S STUCK SHE'LL TELL US THE TALE OF WHEN IT HAPPENED BEFORE. JOIN US NEXT TIME.

Twenty soundtracks? That's... probably accurate these days.

MEANWHILE. The boys have no idea what's going on and are bored. I know the feeling!

"We could go and look for the girls, they've seem to have disappeared," James muttered.

Craig pulled out his PADD. "Okay, but Morgan & Tani are mine."

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

*bats Craig on the nose with a newspaper*

This is Season One, I don't expect James to say or do anything to stop Craig from turning all douchebag on us. He'll ignore it or comment in some dumb way. We're a long way from the James who doesn't take this sexist s$$$ lying down.

"They're our friends, not our girlfriends Craig. If we find them we can go to the holodeck and play a few games or something," James said.

Nyeh, close enough!

Still dumb though.

"I just need to get something from my quarters, are you coming?" James asked. He stood up.

"Yeah sure," Craig replied.

I hope it's one of those things that sprays water at dogs who hump the table leg too much. Cos if you're inviting this Craig along to hang out with the girls you're gonna need it.

Jessie, Morgan and Triah stopped playing Twister so they could dance to the next song, 'Vacation' by Vitamin C. Tani had been using Morgan's back to balance so she fell over.

OMG NOSTALGIA BOMB! I was so desperate for new music once upon a time, that I looked up the artists who sang the songs I liked on the Pokémon soundtracks and imported their albums. Vitamin C's cost me about 18 & 20 pound each. I only liked one, the cheaper more recent one. Good times!

Paragraph's still painful to read, BUT I got a funny image of Morgan's eyes lighting up and jumping to her feet to dance, while Tani screams and falls to the floor in a crumpled heap.

Jessie heard the door open in the main part of her quarters. "Stay here guys, I'm just going in the next room," she muttered. She walked into the other room.

Uhoh, this doesn't bode well. I think I remember this. *readies the pepper spray*

"Jessie, nice nightie," somebody said a deep voice. It was Craig,

IT WAS............... DUMBLEYDORE!

Sorry. Couldn't resist, I was getting My Immortal vibes again.

And eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! I'm gonna need more than a newspaper rolled up.

James smacked him across the head to shut him up.

JAMES! I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

DON'T LEAVE, THAT WEIRDO KEEPS COMING BACK. HE SCARES ME, NO MORE THAN CRAIG DOES BUT STILL!

Gawd, my cast have all come a long way. So proud.

"James, Craig, what are you doing here?" Jessie asked. James had to smack Craig on the head again to stop him staring at Jessie.

"Well it is my quarters and.. are you going to bed early or something?" James asked.

I TOLD YOU TO GET THE WATER SPRAY THING

But smacking's good too.

And lol Jessie, you organised the girly sleep over to be in your quarters which you share with James, whose second best mate is Craig? I don't believe in victim blaming, it sickens me but... what were you thinking here? Craig's still gross and that's solely his fault. THIS IS WHY YOU'RE SINGLE CRAIG.

Jessie looked at what she was wearing and she looked back up at the guys. "Didn't you know that me and the girls are having a sleep over?"

"You mean all of the girls are in there, oh god I'm in there," Craig muttered. Another smack in the head was in order.

Oh. Haha, question answered. She told him. He forgot.

And Craig, seriously stop it or I'll press the retcon button and have you neutered.

Or let James keep hitting you.

Be thankful Slayers being strong hadn't been decided yet.

You know I'm glad James is finally being written properly, but Jessie's doing sod all about leering Craig in her quarters, while she's wearing a nightie. Really James development, or personality switcheroo?

Jessie's Sin Points: +1 She doesn't only get sin points for being a bitch, you know. I know I'd probably still mark her down if she did something excessive, which is what James is doing, but hey Craig's making my skin crawl. It's deserved and she's doing nothing. Also, if she loses points for being in character by standing up for herself with mild violence or oh snap comebacks, then the reverse should be true!

"But why here? I mean, a sleep over in OUR quarters and you didn't invite me," James said sounding a little upset.

"It's a girls sleep over," Jessie muttered.

Annnnnnd we're back to saying dumb things. We probably won't see the real James again until Season Two.

Maybe. I honestly have no idea when I decided to give the guy a brain and common sense injection.

"James passes doesn't he?" Craig asked. Another smack in the head quickly followed.

"C'mon Jess, can't you make an exception?" James asked.

"No. If you're not a girl you don't come in," Jessie replied.

YEAH, ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD.

AND YEAH JESSIE, PUT YOUR F$$$ING FOOT DOWN AT LEAST WITH CRAIG, THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE NEXT ROOM. CHILDREN HE'S ALREADY CALLED DIBS ON.

This really is a test of time, me shouting at this crap I wrote (allegedly) 15 years later.

Also Craig again, James passes for a girl because...? Be careful how you answer.

Sexist crap against my own gender count: 1

"So where am I suppose to sleep if you won't even let me through the door?" James asked.

"Maybe you should sleep at Craig's. I'm sure he has a spare couch." Jessie said.

Jessie must be fast. She heard the door and went to check it out, and they still haven't walked through it?

Why am I trying to apply logic to this?

Also couch, what's that???

"Only girls are allowed in my quarters baby," Craig said an his deep voice. James and Jessie ignored him.

I feel dirty just reading this.

I'm ready to disown the boy here.

"If I promise to keep quiet in my room and not bother you, will you let me in?" James asked.

"What about me?" Craig asked.

"Go play in your Holo Date program," Jessie said.

"How did you.. er.. see ya!" Craig muttered and he ran away.

Burn baby burn!

Jessie's Sin Points: -1 Finally, she's doing something. Previous sin retracted.

Yeah Jessie, how did you know? That episode hasn't been written yet. Stop trying to be all continuityey. Now I have to remember that you know about it, PLUS that he knows you know. It's haaaaaaaaaaard. You sicken me.

"You're such a little kid, do you know that?" Jessie muttered.

"Thanks, does that mean I can come in?" James asked.

I dunno if this is cute or weird.

I can't decide.

"You were always allowed in, it's just he is a jerk and I didn't want him spoiling our night in," Jessie replied. She stepped out of the way of the door and she headed back to her room. "Oh and put something else on, you don't mix in with what the girls are wearing," Jessie said.

YEAH JAMES, GET THAT OMG SO CUTE VICTREEBELL NIGHTIE ON. YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN AND NOT LOOK WEIRD, AT ALL. MAYBE THE GIRLS CAN DO SLEEP OVER THINGS WITH HIM LIKE PAINT HIS NAILS AND WAX HIS LEGS

This should count towards my sexist tally, but I've wrote that today not in 2001. Deal with it. (Review Sexist Crap Count: 1)

On the plus side *high five* to Jessie for not excluding James because of Craig being a creep. Though I don't see why he can't go to his room, like he wanted, and now has to join the sleep over. The dialogue already hints that the pair have separate bedrooms. THE PLOT DEMANDS IT, THAT'S WHY! OBEY!

"James, I hope you guys don't mind about him joining us," Jessie replied.

"Tani won't mind," Morgan said.

"What does that mean?" Tani asked.

That Tani won't mind. Pay attention.

"What's taking that guy so long?" Tani asked.

Well I dunno, he's probably deciding between the Weezing Onesie and the fluffy Power Rangers pyjamas's. Give him a break, it's a tough decision!

"Prepared for trouble?" a voice said.

S$$$ it's the writers. EVERY GIRL FOR THEMSELVES, RUN!

James came in dressed as a Pokémon character, a member of Team Rocket. He had a short white top on...

NOBODY BUT TANI CARES WHAT JAMES IS WEAR...

What the f$$$ IS he wearing?

I should've been trying to break James and Jessie AWAY from their TR inspiration. YOU'RE NOT TRYING REALLY, ARE YOU OLD/YOUNG ME?

Oh and it's laughable that the look is completed with black boots. I mean, yeah, I think he would've fit in with this slumber party better if he was on fire.

Or the Victreebell nightie, take your pick!

DUMB ASS. BRING CRAIG SMACKING JAMES BACK. HE SEEMED NORMAL!

"How convenient, you're dressed up like James from Team Rocket, except for one minor detail. You don't have blue hair," Morgan said.

OMG HOW COME I DIDN'T SEE THAT? YOU'RE SO CLEVER.

I HATE THIS, Test of Time is slowing creeping into the Top 5 Worst Episodes here. I could probably delete a majority of part 1 and it'd not only improve, we'd miss nothing of the actual story.

It gets to the point where the stupid puts me off from quoting. You may have noticed it doesn't last. For now, James decides to get a wig to complete the look. Everyone bursts our laughing. Yeah, my laughing is getting a little full too, being filled up with stupid everything!

Tani takes Craig's place as the creeper of the group. Kiara teases Tani by saying she has a boyfriend, which Tani blushes at. Here I was thinking she'd believe it and run off to get their wedding registered.

Triah asks what they were doing before James came.

NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT AND GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER READERS. I KNOW SOMEONE'S THINKING IT! Oh, I must've thought it. Damn it!

The Twister game is brought up, then the song changes from M2M (another two costly albums, three if you count the solo artist's) to Fun With The Funk by Aaron Carter and I cringe so much I molt into another form and escape from this hell.

Haha, James immediately gets picked on for being a girly bloke.

Sexist crap against my own gender count: 2

For this, it should be two points and changed to simply Sexist Crap Count. One for assuming James is girly because reasons, and for girly being an insult made by other girls. Yep

Sexist Crap Count: 3

"Oh fine, computer skip track," Jessie said. 'Double Trouble' came on. "Computer pause playback." Jessie ran out of the room.

OHNO

PLEASE GOD NO.

I'd ask what did I do to deserve this, but this is the actual answer. I've done this to myself, now I'm paying the price.

I'm a coward and there's only so much stupid I can take. Skiiiiiiiiiiiip

Okay, I skipped and the writers appeared so they can do the motto instead of J/J. Here I thought they weren't in this one. I'm strangely glad to see them. Anything's better than Jessie joining in the Team Rocket bull too.

Luckily Tani and Morgan had set up a booby trap and it went off at that moment. That made a hole in the wall but as soon as the writers went through it, it sealed back up again.

Okay, I skipped about 12 episodes since I was rebooting this turd, but is this gonna be a thing now? The writers are so annoying the characters keep killing them? If so, I'm down.

The doorchime went off. James decided to answer the door. "Craig, weren't you going to your Holo Date program?" James asked.

"What? You can't prove a thing!" Craig stuttered.

"Oh c'mon Craig, you're my best friend, you..."

HOLY S$$$

James, to the doghouse with you. And Craig, no means no.

"I meant I am your best friend, anyway everyone knows about that program ever since Chaotic Space," James said. Jessie walked up to the door.

0_0

CONTINUITY

Is this real life or is this bad fantasy?

Maybe Craig not knowing Jessie knew was straight up denial. Nah, too much credit for this pile of garbage. Janeway, take it out.

If you don't get this. The Fight was written after Test of Time. The Fight had Craig calling James about the Holodate program being broken. Jessie overheard it and commented. Craig complained that James didn't tell him she was there. So this means this joke was sorta already decided to be in The Fight a month in advance????? *collapse* Proper plot stuff should be yes, but a daft joke? These are written on the spot, or they were. That's why they're terrible.

"Hey, Jess, nice costume," Craig said in his usual tone. Right on cue, Tom walked past.

"Oooh, now you do look like Jesse James, er I mean Team Rocket," Tom sniggered.

Oh, so this stupid costume chewing gum on bottom of shoe was the inspiration to tell the backstory? I remembered Jesse James being a part of it. Did we really need all of that to get to this point? I hate myself.

Also can somebody with excellent grammar please tell me is it "walked past" or "walked passed"? Research tells me it's passed, as it's obviously the past tense of pass. That makes sense and yet everywhere I go, people write walked past. Help! I'm serious here.

Anyway before we get to the part where James assists Jessie in an attempt to kill Tom with a broken mirror, I'm gonna take a time out and return to the reboot. I originally looked through this to see what I can use in the new erm... setting/setup etc for it, but clearly there isn't anything.

God, I honestly hate this. I actually hate this more than Aggressions Part 2. At least that still had bits where it tried to stay on track, some elements of its original plan is still in there in bits. This, is on purpose to start the story and its horrible. The Jesse James bollocks is no longer canon. Not only was it not the reason for the bullying they received, that was concocted obviously to have this "hilarious" setup, but its not even something that would be offensive. Modern James and Jessie would roll their eyes at the insult, and that's in the prequels when they were younger than this.

No, just no.

I'll come back to this when I'm ready for it. For now, this is the quote I'll leave it on so I remember where I was.

"James, get me something sharp," Jessie growled.

"I think you should do it," Craig stuttered.

James picked up a mirror and he slowly gave it to Jessie. She smashed it against the table and she headed towards Tom. He ran for his life, she chased after him.

Random mirror's out of nowhere.

Attempted murder.

James back to being Jessie's sidekick as she does said attempted murder.

All because Tom dared to say that they looked like Team Rocket. Which was the point. Craig's flirty voice when he said nice costume was more insulting IMO, but nm. Another day on Fifth Voyager. Woot.

And now it's a few weeks later. Time flies and whatnot. I reached the infamous headmaster and fork scene of part 2, looking for anything that can be used in its reboot without resorting to Hunters Again level of fourth wall insults. So far part 2 is utterly embarrassing and it's barely began. Before starting today I thought about two things. 1; IMO the reboot is doing a fine job of (re-)introducing James and Jessie, especially Jessie, to any potential new readers of the series. Reboot Test of Time doesn't feel out of nowhere like the original, or as forced. It's nice and I'm enjoying the ride. 2; I was at the same time unfair and fair on my criticism of original Test of Time whilst writing its History-Episode Trivia entry months back. Unfair because I scolded it for stuff that it didn't really do. Fair because stuff like the headmaster scenes are more ridiculous than I remembered them.

Intrigued? Then it's time to continue Test of Time's review from where I left it. Believe me, it's better than my original plan of blabbering on in the Episode Trivia again.

Anyway, Jessie had decided to go all Unforgettable homicidal on Tom again when he dared to point out that her costume made her look like the character she was cosplaying as. The nerve!

Well no, it was because he called her/them Jesse James.

The girls quickly put their jackets and shoes on and they followed James and Craig who were chasing after Jessie and Tom.

James and Craig caught up but Tuvok had a tight grip on Jessie's arms.

Tuvok is the man. Look at that badass. Stepping in to quell the crazy and violence.

We are not worthy!

"Let me go, you Dumbo!" Jessie screamed.

"Thanks, Tuvok, you're a saviour," Tom said.

Oh I get it. Because he has bigger ears than Humans.

That's racist Jessie. Not cool. Go to your room.

Jessie's Sin Points: +2 One for insulting Tuvok for his racial features, and two for attacking Tom with broken glass because of some dumb insult.

"That moron called us Jesse James and Jessie started chasing after him. He deserves anything he gets," James replied.

THAT S$$$ IS UNFORGIVABLE. HANG HIM!

"Was he asking you, Ensign?" Tom asked. James shot him a horrible look.

Oh, it's getting a little cat fighty in here. I'm gonna have to get my claw proof vest on.

Anyway Tuvok breaks them up and tells them to go sit in the naughty corner. Jessie gets one last zinger in, calling Tom a scruff, then does as she's told to think about what she's done. It's a huge character moment. It's beautiful.

"What happened? Did we miss anything?" Tani asked.

"Sadly, no. Dumbo ears interrupted her," James said.

SERIOUSLY, THIS S$$$ IS RACIST. AND JAMES, GET YOUR OWN INSULTS. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS.

"Why do you hate being called Jesse James, Jess?" Craig asked. She shot him an icy glare.

STOP SHOOTING PEOPLE. THIS ISN'T AMERICA. Oh sorry. To quote Red Dwarf, shame mode.

Oh and forced excuse for a flashback is forced. Thanks Craig.

"Lots of kids used to call us that all the time," James said.

THE END, thanks for reading. Let's rate this. -10/10. Awful.

Wait, it's not over?

I honestly, sigh... I dunno what to say really. I remember the Jesse James insults, I do. It's not something I've forgotten to make room for better back stories over the years. What's baffling to me is that Test of Time does have hints that I had James and Jessie's backstory figured out. Not just basically, there's some details there I assumed I made up later because I have little to no faith in 2001 me. Gee, I wonder why!

I mean the series so far has her jump to utter denial and violent-mode when she and James' relationship is made fun of. They've made fun of her because she reacts like this. No one has really made fun of their names to my knowledge, other than Team Rocket jokes maybe? Not only has the Jesse James insult only reared its head in this episode, just so J/J can tell their story, but it's not even right. Again, the series establishes that Jessie's EXTREMELY sensitive to being teased about James. It's something that does happen a bit in the flashbacks, hinting that was the original intent. The Jesse James stuff looks and feels very forced in the episode, like it was made up on the spot to be funny and probably to avoid delving into a serious topic. Something that did bother me at that age myself.

I mentioned in Episode Trivia that the flashbacks were very likely written the way they were because James and Jessie were telling it, and they wouldn't want to share all. So maybe the Jesse James jokes are a way of them hiding the true reason they were bullied. Nope. Reading this through properly, I don't get that feeling whatsoever. Yes the story skips over bits and changes things, the part where Jessie is kicked out by James' mother was definitely made up, I know that from the only few months later prep for B4FV1's second & third episode. However, a lot of it still feels like it was written genuinely. Jesse James alone happens in the present, so you know that part wasn't something the pair made up later.

To sum up, I don't know why it's there. It was never the plan, I'm 99.9% sure of it. There are other clues in this episode that tell me I winged some of this. We'll get there very soon enough.

I mean think about it. In the 24th century, will four year old kids even know about Jesse James? Today it might be a stretch that they'd know about Team Rocket. But anyway...

"Is there going to be a flashback?" Naomi asked.

"Of course there will be, that's what this episode is about," Kiara said.

I have the line "is there going to be a flashback" said in a certain way in my head, that tells me that it was taken from something and readers were meant to hear it the same way I did. Since this is SEASON ONE, I'm likely right.

"Non stop. Jessie finally cracked when she was fifteen and I wasn't there to hold her back," James replied.

REMEMBER James and Jessie's ages and month of birth were decided at this point. REMEMBER there's a based in date on every god damn episode, even today. REMEMBER the episode goes out of its way to tell you when the scenes are based in.

Remember this. Or don't, I'll probably re-quote this when it's relevant.

Oh and James, this would be an okay line if you actually tried to hold her back with the Tom fight. You helped her start it, then ran off to watch, probably grabbing the mystical popcorn while you were at it. Tuvok held her back. FU.

"That's a long story," Jessie said.

"Here it comes," Naomi muttered.

I feel your pain Naomi. This is probably why she turned stupid in Season Two. Either to fit in with everyone, or because the stupid broke her brain. Take your bloody pick.

"It actually starts when we first started Infant School," James said. The television screen er I mean the area turned misty. The screen faded out.

I still love doing stupid fourth wally descriptions such as this. But at least all the others I've seen so far actually still make me smile a bit. This one reduced me to rolling my eyes.

January 2354 (almost twenty two years previously)

I'm gonna do this everytime so beware.

Twenty two years previously: episode based in December 2375 so about a month off 22 years. Check. Good for you!

January 2354: James and Jessie would turn five that year, which is correct. Schools in the FV 24th century UK start in January, not September. Hurray! So far so good.

Why January? Because I stupidly made James have his birthday in July, and Jessie in October so they would only be in the same year if she were older than him. CAN'T HAVE THAT.

Am I joking? That's up to you.

Miss Turner's class was a riot as usual, twenty odd kids were running around screaming their heads off. It was their second day at the school so their shy period was over with quickly.

I actually like this description. It's been edited only slightly and used for the reboot.

Positive comments about Test of Time? My chest hurts.

Oh and I don't know why, but naming the schools, towns, villages etc James and Jessie were in bugs me now. Don't ask me why. I haven't a clue myself. One recent episode doesn't actually say the name of their hometown, it merely expects you to know it and/or it doesn't matter what it's bloody called. The mentions of names are few. If it's not in the dialogue, it's not mentioned. Simples.

Miss Turner, the young inexperienced teacher walked into the class room. She had long black hair and bright green eyes. She was wearing *SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*. Using the file on her desk she banged on the blackboard to get the class's attention. All the kids rushed to their seats.

YOU WERE DOING OK! WHY? NO ONE CARES WHAT MISS TURNER IS WEARING!

"I have another member of this class that you haven't met yet, I want you to be really nice to him. Does anybody volunteer to look after him for today?" Miss Turner asked. Nobody put their hands up.

Why would you do this?? New kids have it rough as it is. This is like a teacher telling a whole class to stop picking on the kid and be super nice to him, forever labelling him as the crybaby grasser. Nice job.

"I'll just have to volunteer somebody then," she said. She walked outside the class for a few seconds. She came back in and a tall young boy was following her. He had short blonde hair and he was trying to hide his face from the class.

James has never been labelled as tall. Interesting choice of descriptive words there Marill. Maybe I still hadn't picked his current "actor" and the previous one is tall. I dunno.

Even better, James wasn't there to hear the teacher telling the class he's a delicate snowflake, so he won't know why they're laughing at him later. Nice one Teach!

"Class, I like you to meet James Taylor. Say hello children," Miss Turner said. A few kids waved and said hi. "Now, who should I volunteer," Miss Turner muttered as she looked around the class.

Heh, maybe you should not bother and stop treating him as if he's different. You are not helping, you're making him an easy target for bullies.

One table was filled with a group of chatty girls, another table was full of rude boys, one table had a group of boys and girls who didn't like each other, the last table was the small one near the window where the quiet girl sat on her own. Miss Turner kneeled down next to James who'd rather be somewhere else.

"Go and sit next to that girl near the window, she's on her own so it would be nice if you could keep each other company," Miss Turner whispered. James looked at the girl, she was staring out the window looking very bored and lonely. He made his way quickly through the other tables and he sat next to the girl. She hadn't noticed since she was still staring out of the window.

Test of Time overexaggerates the whole boys and girls divide, A LOT. Why does it do this if the point was haha Jesse James, prepare for trouble!? It does this because IT WAS THE SODDING REASON JAMES AND JESSIE WERE PICKED ON, NOT THEIR FIRST NAMES! GOD! THIS EPISODE CONSTANTLY FORGETS WHAT IT'S DOING, THEN DOES IT LATER.

I'm fine. Honest.

But anyway, I was gonna say why James and Jessie are the only kids that are friends despite their opposite genders were unbelievably overexaggerated. I've typed and backspaced enough, unhappy with how I've worded it. The thing is, considering what Test of Time has done so far and what I know is coming, overexaggerated is not what I'd call it in comparison. It's probably the most realistic sodding thing in the episode.

I promise, most reviews won't have these walls of text in. If they start to, I'll try to stop it. Unless it's World Domination. I don't even know if I can stomach a reread, let alone quoting any words from it.

Later, and I mean later, that's how it is labelled, the kids are having their break. The narration complains about not being able to play on the grass because it was wet, a trauma I clearly hadn't gotten over when I went to the exact same school they did (NEVER FORGET).

James and Jessie haven't spoken to each other, so James decides to break the ice.

"So, er.. is this place good?" James asked quietly.

The girl jumped and she gave him a quick stare before she answered him. "No, it's boring, I hate everyone."

So magical, I swooned.

Okay no, that's not fair. It's okay. They're four year olds. Jessie responds like one, I guess. James has clearly never been warned about prison... er schools.

"They're all mean, the girls just laugh at me and the boys keep asking me out," the girl replied.

Oops. Jessie's meant to be naive, and not notice the last part. Failtastic.

"Asking you out where?" James asked. The girl shrugged.

Like that yeah, exactly!

"They're just joking, they skit me behind my back," the girl said.

Oh. Still, she's not meant to notice even the obvious "you're cute, wanna date" type lines.

The bell went off, the school at last decided that an electric bell was better than an hand held one. "Ohno, it's assembly," Jessie muttered.

AT LAST! IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME THAT SCHOOL STOPPED DOING THAT THING IT DID IN THE 90'S WHEN I WENT THERE. EVERYONE CAN REST EASY NOW. WE CAN HAVE WORLD PEACE NOW THAT A TINY SCHOOL NO ONE KNOWS STOPPED USING A HAND BELL TO TELL THE KIDS TO GET BACK TO F%%%%% SCHOOL

FINALLY I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT

"I don't know, one girl said the headmaster just blabbers on for twenty minutes," Jessie replied.

"Sounds boring," James muttered.

I KNOW RIGHT. PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT BORING STUFF. SO BORING. IMAGINE THAT!

The hall was extremely small, it was in a twentieth century style, it obviously hadn't been redesigned since the late Twentieth century.

THEY CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH, STOP BEING MEAN. THAT BELL TOOK CENTURIES TO FIX

"That's the headmaster, he's the decendy thingy of the headmaster that was in charge of this place four hundred years ago," Jessie whispered.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN ABOUT SETTING STORIES IN THE FUTURE USING PLACES I KNOW, IT'S TOTALLY KEEPING EVERYTHING BUT A BELL THE SAME. WHAT, IMAGINING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE 400 YEARS LATER? THAT'S BORING, YOU'RE STUPID. I'D MUCH RATHER THINK ABOUT WHAT NIGHTIES JESSIE HAS, AND WHAT THAT TEACHER IN THAT ONE SCENE IS WEARING.

Anyway Mr Patterson starts the assembly.

"Welcome back students of Shield Row School. I hope you've had a good summer, this year we'll be working a lot harder than the last. Is that clear?" the man asked.

Backup, I thought in the FV future world school years started in January.

*scrolls up*

January 2354 (almost twenty two years previously)

Maybe he's Australian or something.

Or I did keep the September-July school years, remembered James and Jessie were born in July & October 2349 respectively, thought *oh s$$$* since they had to be in the same year, and promptly changed the school terms to January-December, forgetting Patterson's summer line.

Which one do you think is more likely?

"He just spat on that girl over there," James laughed quietly. Jessie joined in when the girl wiped the top of her head. Miss Turner walked up to the pair.

Why?????????????????????????????????

"Jessie, James, what's so funny?" she asked angrily. A lot of the students laughed very loudly.

"Watch out everyone, Jesse James has come back from the dead," the girl laughed. Everyone laughed with her. One teacher stood up.

Oh :(

That's why.

Very clev... nope can't even type that sarcastically.

I hate this. Any reference to this stupid made up on the spot reason for their bullying, which was probably only done as an excuse for the pair to dress up as Team Rocket during the sleep over and still have it related to the plot, I'm gonna imagine they're being ridiculed for the opposite gender thing instead. The episode will instantly improve.

So, some older girl teases the brand new, barely out of nappies kids for talking to each other without making out or something, cos that's all boys and girls want to do with each other. Jessie's sister sticks up for her and they're both told off and kicked out. Which is so unrealistic, I mean it's infuriating. If it were realistic, it'd only be Jessie's sis getting detention, while the bully gets encouraged to do it again.

"You go back to class as well," Miss Turner said quietly. James and Jessie quickly left the hall while most of their class laughed at them.

MISS TURNER IS THE WORST TEACHER EVER. WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. ALL THE KIDS ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, YOU DESERVE IT, WALK OUT AND FEEL THE SHAME!!!!

Anyways a month later Jessie's off, poor James is on his tod at break time standing in his spot. Sheldon comes over and glares at him until he moves.

Three older girls walked up to him. Two of them were the ones he saw in assembly the previous week. The other girl had dark brown hair that was in a pony tail, she had tones of freckles on her face.

Why is this third girl being described? Maybe Dawn was, but the sister wasn't.

Oh and what are tones of freckles? Are they differently shaded? NEAT!

It's meant to be tonnes. The program I used to write probably tried to change it because it's not American enough. I picked the first suggestion the spell check gave me (I know, because I just tried it now), because funnily enough the UK spelling isn't there. It would've been fine if I picked tons, but noooooooooooooooo!

"Hi, you're Jessie's friend, aren't ya," one of the girls asked. She was the one that yelled at the girl who had skitted them. James nodded. The other girl he recognised kneeled down next to him.

Maybe it's because I already know this portion of James' backstory off by heart but...

I NEED AN ADULT, I NEED AN ADULT

Dawn apologises for the making out joke, Alison introduces herself to him. Creepy girl, I'm gonna call Edwardina instead of Jill, continues to be creepy.

"I'm Dawn, I run the school's female football team," the second girl said.

"Shut up Dawn, he doesn't want to know what you do, isn't that right cutey," Jill said as she knelt down. James wished the bell would go off.

Just so you know, these three girls are months away from starting senior school. So 10/11 years old, he's still 4.

"Jill, you're scaring him," Alison said.

Hey, here's a thought. Do something. Your later scenes prove you're the type who would.

"Wouldn't you be if you saw that face," Dawn muttered. Jill whacked her hard on the head.

"Speak for yourself, fatty!" Jill exclaimed. A teacher walked up to the girls.

Woohoo! Racism, extreme violence, now fat shaming. Test of Time is running the gauntlet. I have faith it can offend everyone. YOU CAN DO IT

I'm gonna try to be fair. Edwardina is meant to be a horrible girl. We're not meant to cheer her on or anything. We're meant to dislike her.

"Alison, Dawn, you were suppose to be on detention, get back into class now!" he said. The two girls groaned and they went back inside the school.

For a month? That's one long assed detention. Though I think somewhere along the lines I changed the timeline a bit, so that "month later" could've been a week later or a year for all I know.

"Do you wanna come over mine, I've got my old toys in the cupboard somewhere, and my mum's making chips tonight," Jill asked. James nodded slowly. "Great, now I can tell my friends that I have a boyfriend," she giggled. Before he could say anything she ran into the school.

I NEED AN ADULT, I NEED AN...

WAIT, THERE WAS AN ADULT? S$$$ ADULTS FAILED, THERE IS NO MORE HOPE

Seriously, the old school bells of Shield Row would be going ape on this paragraph. These two have just met. He is six years younger than her, four years old, she's about to go to an older kids school. He's on his own. Helpless. She constantly gets in his space, calling him cutey (ok that was earlier, not in this paragraph). She lures him to her house with the offer of toys and food. The poor thing agrees, as he doesn't know what these bells mean, although he was wary of her before. Then she waltses off announcing their engagement, probably thinking of the future babies (why did I write that!) and well, that's it.

It isn't forgotten or anything. The "that's it" implies something much worse.

The next day:
Jessie was in school but she still had a cold. James was late for school so she was on her own. Her sister was watching the class while Miss Turner did a job elsewhere.

I REPEAT. MISS TURNER IS THE WORST TEACHER IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING. SHE LEFT A 10 OR 11 YEAR OLD TO WATCH A CLASS FULL OF 4 YEAR OLDS. A NO OLDER THAN 11 YEAR OLD THAT CLEARLY IS NOT A GOOD STUDENT.

But at least we know why Jessie was off, right kids?

I'm sure James being late isn't a bad omen or anything.

"You'd never guess who my friend Jill had over her's last night. Be quiet you little brats!" Alison yelled. The kids quietened down.

"Who?" Jessie asked even though she didn't want to know.

"Your friend, James," Alison said.

"What? Why would he wanna go over hers?" Jessie asked.

Well you gotta admit, she has a way with them. Maybe Miss Turner knows what she's doing after all.

And Jessie, I have a few answers for that question and you won't like it.

"Beats me, she does this all the time," Alison said.

She does? Why are you still her friend? THIS IS CREEPY, SO GROSS. SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THIS JESSE JAMES AND SLEEP OVER CRAP. THERE ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTING SIDE PLOTS IN THIS BACK STORY, AND INSTEAD IT GETS SWEPT ASIDE TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS CRAP.

Anyway James finally shows up to class, being all quiet and scarf wearing. Alison shows us where Jessie really got her fashion obsession from, by squeeing over how cute it is, cos that's what all little boys want their scarf to be.

"Aren't you gonna take it off, you're in class now," Jessie said.

"No, my mum told me to keep it on," James said.

DING DING

"Why?" Jessie asked.

"Yeah, the teacher's not going to stand for that," Alison said. James handed the two a note. Alison read it. "But my mum says that Bronchitis is a disease that effects the inside of your neck," Alison said.

DING DING

Seriously, I thought they stopped using the hand bell. ELECTRIC BUZZERS FOR THE WIN. Why am I hearing bells? I knew it, rereading this crap's making me crack up..... again.

"Mum said I have to keep it on," James said. Alison stood up. She quickly took off the scarf. He had bruises all over his neck.

Well there it is.

Imagine the series as brand spanking new back in 2001. It's twelve episodes old, Test of Time is the latest, thirteenth entry. You started to read it after the slight edit to Unforgettable was done, to avoid spoiling bits of this episode. The other episode based before it that foreshadows Test hasn't been written yet. You're basically going in completely blind.

Test of Time shows a flashback to James meeting older girls when he was 4, and agreeing to go to one of their houses for tea. She keeps calling him cutey and calls him him her boyfriend. The next day he arrives to school wearing a scarf and this happens:

"Mum said I have to keep it on," James said. Alison stood up. She quickly took off the scarf. He had bruises all over his neck.

What is your first thought, other than holy crap?

You're obviously going to think Edwardina did it, don't you?

Well...

"Then who?" Alison asked.

"Dad," James replied.

YOU. ARE. WRONG. BECAUSE........... SEASON ONE!!!!!!

But, it's a clever misdirect isn't it? That was done intentionally to mislead and...

NOPE SORRY. YOU. ARE. WRONG.

I'll give the episode a tiny bit of credit. Edwardina's creepy scenes were already in James' backstory. They weren't made up on the spot (Later A/N: I discovered the proof of this in Demon's review, oh joy!). I'll go into that later. This particular part of his past wasn't meant to be revealed yet, or maybe at all. I don't remember fully, so I could be wrong. I don't think I am though.

What?

You see, I filled out James and Jessie's past quite a bit with no actual intention of showing it all. The point of doing that was to flesh them out, give them issues, if something happens later they'll remember something similar and react. I tried to make them people basically. If a story called for it, I'd show something or have them mention it. Test of Time came about because I was an impatient brat who wanted to write it anyway.

BUT the premise was they tell their story themselves. From what you've seen so far, would you tell a group of people which include two teen girls you recently met, two kids, and your newish friend's older sister this story? No, probably not. Considering what you don't see, I know for a fact James wouldn't share this with even Jessie. At least not until his final few episodes.

It's one part of his past that explains his reaction to women flirting with him. It's not the only reason. I dunno when I added the second one, that's irrelevant. That is explored in Season Four, which almost wasn't, I nearly chickened out. This Edwardina story is never mentioned again, I don't think. It wasn't meant to be.

Why did it get written then? You know what. I DON'T REMEMBER. That's the answer. Just like I don't know why I changed the reason for their being bullied. I wish I could tell you.

This scene occurs right before the bruises reveal, and I don't remember why, despite it not being planned in. It needs repeating again. SEASON ONE!!!

Moving on.

"Ali, don't," Jessie said loudly. Miss Turner came into the room. She came over to the three.

"Thank you Alison, you won't mind staying and helping me out with the class?" Miss Turner asked.

DOES ALISON NOT HAVE HER OWN CLASS, NOT TO TEACH, BUT TO BE TEACHED ER... TO? HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THE POOR DAMN KID WITH BRUISES ON HIS NECK?

WORST TEACHER EVER.

"Oh my god! James, what did you do to your neck?" Miss Turner asked.

"Nothing," he replied.

Not "what happened", but "what did YOU do to your neck?" Daft kid, you were asking for it weren't you? Go write 100 lines; "I will not provoke people into bruising my neck."

MISS TURNER FOR MOST AWFUL TEACHER OF THE YEAR AWARD.

Oh yeah and the bruises, their placement. Hiding amongst the silly crap in this episode, there's some dark s$$$. You could probably blink and miss it. Think, how on earth do people bruise their necks... all over it apparently? Yeah. If you didn't already have a horrible image in your head, he's four years old. You're welcome. Misery loves company.

"Then what happened?" Miss Turner asked. Jill and Dawn knocked on the classroom door. They walked straight in. "What?"

Nope, nope.

"Do you need anymore help?" Dawn asked.

"Actually, as you've probably noticed, I need my door handle fixed, you wouldn't mind?" Miss Turner asked.

HAHAHA, IN YOUR FINAL YEAR OF PRIMARY SCHOOL YOU'RE RELEGATED TO DOING CHORES AROUND THE SCHOOL. I REMEMBER IT WELL.

I bet like the old fashioned assembly hall that handle's been broken since the 20th century. Like everybloodything else.

Anyway they leave to fix the handle. So that part of the scene was for nothing, especially since the dad misdirect has already took place. What good writing!?!!?

"No problem," Jill said. They both walked out of the door. Miss Turner turned back.

"Well, what happened?" Miss Turner asked.

Okay, okay. Door handle is broken. That's taken care of. I can't be bothered to teach today, best hire a random 10 year old. Alison's here, good, done. Now what else? I'm forgetting something important. I hope I remembered to close the fridge this morning. Oh yeah the future, we don't have fridges. Maybe I forgot to finish my coffee before I left the house. I put my earrings in, it's not that.

No. Must be my imagination. There was nothing important I've forgotten. Now back to talking to this kid with a BRUISED NECK, OMG HOW CAN YOU GET SO DISTRACTED. THE KID HAS BRUISES AROUND HIS WHOLE NECK. I'D BE GETTING HIM TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL, NOT INTERROGATING HIM AROUND GETTING YOUR DOOR HANDLE FIXED. SERIOUSLY, TALKING MUST HURT LIKE F$$$$$ HELL!

WORST TEACHER EVER

"My dad says that pain will help toughen me up, so he hits me," James replied.

He hits you. In the neck. Okay? You know, I was gonna argue that James spills the beans far too soon, but he still doesn't say how the neck injuries happened.

Though I was a dumb kid who thought headmasters double as expelled student taxi drivers, so maybe I did think he got them by being punched in the throat repeatedly and not dying. Oh and still be able to talk afterwards. Though that's an argument for both James' version and the true version of events.

Yeah I spoiled later scenes, so what? I'm angry at myself.

"You what?" Miss Turner said in disbelief.

"That's it, I'm outta here!" Alison grumbled and she started to storm out of the classroom.

See? Alison was full on going to charge over to beat up (or kill as she says earlier) an adult man, who has no qualms about beating children obviously, but didn't think to step in and stop Edwardina from her er... luring children to her house with toys and chips she knows she does often.

"Alison, come back here!" Miss Turner yelled. Alison turned back around. "I'll take you to First Aid," Miss Turner said.

"No, dad will find out if you do that," James said quickly.

FINALLY. NO HOSPITAL, GET HIM TO HOSPITAL

CALL POLICE/SECURITY

Poor James, no wonder he's so messed up.

"Not if you stay over ours tonight," Alison said.

"That's a great idea, you can contact your mum and tell her you're staying over my place for a few days," Jessie said.

WHAT?

"Is you're mum or dad in when you get home from school?" Alison asked.

"Mum is," James replied.

"Great, contact your mum after school and tell her you're staying at my place for a few days," Jessie said.

NO, SERIOUSLY. WHAT?

I'M NOT SURPRISED MISS TURNER DOESN'T INTERFERE WITH THIS AWFUL PLAN, BECAUSE SHE'S THE WORST

"Yeah, and during that time, your dad will have run into me," Alison said angrily.

"There is no need for violence, Alison. He could get arrested for child abuse anyway," Miss Turner said.

Speaking from experience, she is.

"Dad'll kill me when he finds out," James said.

"No he won't, he'll have to get past me first," Alison said.

Jesus. Alison's out for blood. She's acting almost like Jessie would in the present day scenes.

............

Hmmm

...........

Nah!

This is your chance to actually do your job, tell these girls, especially Alison that they're only making a difficult situation worse. James is quite rightly terrified about what'll happen, you know because he's an abuse victim and his reaction is perfectly normal. Do you really think a 10/4 year old pair of girls, and a man fearing foster mother, will do much good when daddy dearest figures out where he is, hunts him down and drags him home. What'll happen then? I know, I know, you're kids. You can't imagine this but the adult in this scene, you know the teacher should bloody come to that conclusion and you know, STOP THIS

BUT NO. JUST TAKE HIM TO A FIRST AID ROOM, GET A KID TO WATCH YOUR CLASS AND THEN SEND THE BOY STRAIGHT HOME WITH A NOTE TO HIS MUM, COS HIS DAD COULDN'T POSSIBLY SNATCH IT OFF HER AND READ IT, SAYING HE'S STAYING WITH A BUNCH OF GIRLS BECAUSE DADDY BEATS HIM, EXPECT HIS MUM TO SAY "LOL OK" AND LET HIM DO THAT.

Now do you see why this episode's review has so much text in it? It'll probably be longer than its reboot and that's getting a little bloated too.

IT'S NOT ONLY ME, IS IT? You see it too? I'm not imagining this? I know it could be seen as an altered version of events James and Jessie are telling mostly kids, but some of it's gotta be true. It can't all be fiction, otherwise this episode is pointless.

Anyway I skipped ahead, so quickly:

Five minutes later: the First Aid Room:
Miss Turner told James to sit down on the small bed. Alison rushed into the room and she stood near Jessie.

"We're gonna need you to remove you jumper, the neck of it is blocking a few bruises on your neck," Miss Turner said.

"No," James said.

"Oh for crying out loud, what are you hiding this time?" Alison asked.

STOP BEING DIFFICULT ABUSED KID. SHOW US YOUR SCARS. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

The girls stared at him. He groaned and he took his jumper off slowly. "I knew it, that creep did more than hit you, didn't he?" Alison said. He had dozens of scratches and bruises on his arms too.

I imagined James groaning exactly as I did, multiple times through these scenes. It's a I give up groan, he'll be whatever'ing and tuning them out after this, his will to give a crap long dead.

Oh and remember the "much worse" bit I mentioned with Edwardina and the story to never be told? No it wasn't just the misdirect that should never have been. It's here too. Enjoy!

"He didn't do that," James said.

"It wasn't Jill was it?" Alison asked. James nodded. Alison stormed out of the room before Miss Turner could stop her.

You know the routine. Blah blah all caps, Miss Turner sucks, all caps.

Alison walked back into the room with a grin on her face. "Oh miss, you've got another patient," she said happily. Dawn pushed Jill into the room, she had a black eye and a punch mark on her cheek.

She's so (Season One) Jessie like, it's not even funny.

"Alison, Jill, you're both on detention. Inflicting pain on others is wrong, you both should acknowledge that," Miss Turner said.

Okay, now we're talking. Maybe we'll finally find out why Jill lured James to her house, what she did, and...

Dawn, Alison & Jill walked out of the room. Miss Turner gave James a note. "Give this to your mother, then go straight to Jessie's, tell her not to show your father the note," Miss Turner said.

One year later, Tanfield Lea:

It's okay, it's coming!

Jessie and James waited outside Alison's school waiting for her to come out. Alison had switched schools that year since she was in the seniors. The school bell went off. Alison and a group of girls walked up to them.

"Hi Jess, Jimmy," Alison said happily. She waved at the other girls as they started to walk in the opposite direction, Burnopfield way. James, Jessie and Alison headed back to Shield Row which was just a few kilometres up the hill.

This must be it!

Oh and lol, Burnopfield way. Suddenly all readers know WTF I'm talking about. Oh, THERE! THANKS WRITER. It's a fact, FV was only released in this area of England, nowhere else. That explains a lot.

When they got to Jessie's house they saw a Shuttle Craft outside. They rushed to the house. Jessie and Alison's mother was talking to two Starfleet Officers wearing yellow uniforms.

Oh, yes. Here we go!

"Mum, what's going on here?" Alison asked.

"It's about time you got here, the Starfleet Officers wish to speak with James," Jessie's mum said.

YES, YOU'RE GOING DOWN EDWARDINA.

"What's up?" Alison asked.

"My dad, he was in a shuttle crash, this morning, he's dying," James muttered.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yes, you guessed it. No resolution. No details. That's all you get.

At least you're getting James' dad resolution. What more do you want??? So greedy.

"He was taking a Shuttle Test, another shuttle collided with him," one officer said.

So greedy. Why would you want anything else, this is delicious. I hope they recorded it, if the other pilot survived, and put it on Youtube. I can see the page now. S$$$HEAD DAD WHO LEAVES BRUISES ON KID'S NECK GETS A SHUTTLE IN HIS FACE. Some of the tags include dashboard view, slow motion, and hilarious. 9 million hits, 7000 likes, 15 dislikes from the two wrongs don't make a right and other child abusers crowd. An ad for pizza plays before it sometimes. Next recommended clip is usually Dumbass Guy teases dog, loses arm.

It does raise one question though. One year later, James is clearly out of danger. So, why is his child beating dad taking his pilot's test?

I'm gonna guess that Miss Turner was the prosecutor AND the judge for this case.

But no seriously, there's a reason why he evaded jail. Another backstory thing that's never written. You get a hint of this in Man Out Of You and Five, but that's it.

"James will have to go to North Durham Hospital, his father wants to see him," the second officer said.

OH HEY, IT'S MISS TURNER'S BROTHER. HI OFFICER TURNER

No, no, no! I don't care if he's changed his ways and wants to apologise. I don't care if he's invited James to punch him to death, and boy that would be a hit on Youtube too, especially once the Slayer stuff is decided. You don't do this. If this deadbeat asked any normal police officer if he could see the kid he beat, and may I remind you left bruises around his neck, they'd laugh in his face. NO!

"I understand that Mr Taylor has been accused of child abuse just under a year ago," the first officer said.

OKAY, I DIDN'T REALISE TURNER HAD TWO DUMBASS TWIN BROTHERS IN THE POLICE/SECURITY. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU UNDERSTAND, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??????????

"Then we'll stay with the child at all times while he's in the hospital," the second officer said.

Oh well then, that's okay. Seeing his dad die won't be traumatising with you guys around. Nice job.

"If he's dying, I doubt he could do anything, especially when I'm around," Alison said.

FFS Alison, TAKE A CHILL PILL, says the girl typing with the caps lock on.

Alison and Jessie were asked to stay outside the room by the Doctor. James had been ten minutes already. The door opened and James stepped out. He was still crying.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS KID IS 4/5 YEARS OLD. NOBODY BUT A FEW POLICE WENT IN WITH HIM TO WATCH HIS PROBABLY SMOOSHED UP BY A SHUTTLE ABUSIVE DAD DIE, HIS FINAL WORDS PROBABLY BEING SOMETHING LIKE "COME CLOSER SON, I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK" BEFORE HE CHOKED ON HIS OWN LIVER.

SERIOUSLY!? OF COURSE HE WAS CRYING. I'M AMAZED JAMES IS ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING, MAKE FRIENDS, AND DO FUN THINGS LIKE PUT ON A TEAM ROCKET COSTUME (NO I WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!!). ACTUALLY, NO, I'M AMAZED HE CAN EVEN TALK AFTER THAT. I'D BE TRAUMATISED FOREVER. ALL IS FORGIVEN SEASON 1 JAMES. KEEP ON BEING A SILLY GOOF IF THAT'S WHAT HELPS YOU GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.

"How's your mum?" Alison asked.

"She's still in there, she's not doing too well," James replied. He couldn't stop crying, Jessie walked up to him and she hugged him.

Oh my bad, his mum was there. Hehheh.

Well, it's still traumatising. We're talking about a head on shuttle crash here. That can't be pretty.

I still think he choked on his liver. You can't take this away from me. This is my show. So there!

Oh yeah, Jessie hugging him while he's crying his eyes out, that image is cute. It's the only good thing about this mess.

Now, let's move on, cos this crap's got nothing to do with why being named after a cowboy most kids don't even know exist, makes Jessie attempt murder with a broken mirror that one time.

December 2363 (twelve years before present)

Okay, 12 years before the present: Hurray!

December 63, James and Jessie should be 14. Yeah, it's older than I remembered but for all I know, that's my fault for misremembering.

"You're what?" Jessie asked loudly right in the middle of the dinner hall. A few people stared at her but she didn't care.

"I have to, my step dad's a doctor, he wants me and my mum to move in with him. He told me that he'll get me a tutor," James said.

I have to, my step dad's a doctor. You know how it is.

He wants my mum and me to move in with him.

Yeah, you understand right?

Hang on. My eyes are rolling out of the sockets.

So far, the episode's avoided mentioning where James is living and who with until this point. I actually kinda like that, unless I've missed it somewhere. But yeah I like that, it's an interesting thing to find out later. I have a feeling I'm gonna eat my words again, but at least these ones aren't cap shouting. (I'm gonna check. I feel like it does say it somewhere, badly).

Okay compliments over. Step dad is calling the shots, according to James anyway. I have to, my step dad's a doctor is a bit weird on its own. I probably didn't intend it to look like this, I'm only noticing it now, but what James said screams controlling step dad.

He's not, at least that was never what I planned. But that's how I imagine him from this and later lines like:

"Don't be an idiot. It's your life, why don't you just tell your step dad you're happy where you are now?" Jessie asked.

"I've tried, he won't listen, I'm sorry but I have to go," James said.

Jeez James, your mum needs to develop a better taste in men, stat. For your sake as well as hers.

So yeah as above, the episode makes it seem like he lives with his mum and stepdad already. Interesting.

James tells her they're moving to Manchester because my sister used to live there, so it's a new place that's slightly far that I can fail to describe and have still the same in the 24th century. FUN

YOU THINK I'M JOKING?

I can't wait till I retcon either James or Jessie's backstory to include a move to Tenerife. Hopefully it's Jessie, cos damn James looks like a lobster after a few minutes of sun exposure.

"Then how will we stay friends if we can't see each other anymore?" Jessie asked.

"You can still see me, it's not that far away," James said.

"Mum doesn't want to carry me backwards and forwards from Manchester to Shield Row, and I doubt your step dad will take me," Jessie said.

But... you just found out about this, Jess. How do you know what your mum doesn't want to do.

Oh, more place name drops. I'm surprised, there's been no mention of the actual hometown these two are from, only the villages they live in and/or go to school in.

"You're right about that. Don't worry, I'll find a way to come back as often as I can," James said.

"How often is that?" Jessie asked.

NEVER

LIAR

The move to Manchester then happens, that same afternoon. I resist the need to laugh, which shortens my will to live by a few years.

Oh and outside the school too, so everyone can see. That's important! You'll see why, maybe, later.

"I gotta go," James muttered. He started to walk towards the shuttle but Jessie grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Is this your way of saying goodbye?" she asked angrily. He stared at her for a few seconds and then he hugged her.

NOW KISS

Then James leaves and it's all very sad.

"My only friend in the world is gone," she mumbled.

"What? Where did he go?" Alison asked.

Some island near Africa, Tener something. I told him to pack sun tan lotion, factor 50+ On an unrelated topic, I hear the trouble in Manchester got bored of the rain and decided to move onto some "Spanish" island, tans are top priority.

"His step dad took him away, I'll probably never see him again," Jessie replied.

Jeez, step dad cracking the whip. He's not only wearing the pants in this new relationship, he's stolen his stepson's too.

I don't know if that made any sense. Not caring. I'm trying to get to the "good" part.

May 2367 (three years later, nine years before present)

Three years later: well three and a half, I've been pedantic enough

Nine years before the present: Well, um. More like 8 and a half. You're slipping.

May 2367: James and Jessie are 17. James is close to 18, but that doesn't matter because........

Tanfield Comprehensive:

Jessie's still in school, hahahahaha

In the UK, at least when I was that age range, school ended at 16. Or 15 if you were lucky enough to be born in July or August. I was lucky enough to have my 16th birthday on the day I took my French exam, but no more classes, yay. I think, only THINK they've extended it to 17 since I left. I'm not sure if it's a forced sixth form, aka college, or not. This happened long after well this episode, I was still in school when this episode was done, so I dunno what happened here.

Later episodes Jessie says she left for Manchester at 17, but that'd be fine if I kept them in school till 17 and she left a month or two before graduation, which would be 66, not 67. I've changed it to 66 as it makes more sense, at least to me.

Jessie was forced to sit with a group of girls in her class since there were no tables left. She just sat down and ignored their conversation. A girl that had just recently joined her class sat next to her.

"Are you that girl from Shield Row who was called Jesse James?" she asked.

Grooaaaan.

"God, is she always this quiet?" Chloe asked. All the girls nodded. "So what happened to your boyfriend, James?"

"What did you say?" Jessie snapped.

Nope, the Jesse James insults were totally what set Jessie off. Seeeee!?!

See, this is why the separation hug took place at the school. What, did you think that was random crap? Bad/lazy writing? What do you think this is, a Season One episode? LOL

"I said, where's James, you know that little gay geek you used to hang out with," Chloe asked.

Jessie pushed Chloe off her own chair. Everyone in the hall saw, so they laughed at her.

Yep, she totally noticed the I missing in her name. Would pee me off too. Marll just looks and sounds so wrong. Yeaaah push the bitch!

"Keep your big mouth shut or you'll regret it soon enough," Jessie grumbled. Everyone turned around to watch, luckily no teachers were in the hall.

Yeah luckily.

Chloe stood up, "what are you gonna do, set your big sister on me like you did with that Jill lass." The girls at the table laughed loudly. Jessie pushed her again, she nearly fell over another chair. "Is that the best you can do, Jesse James?" Chloe sniggered.

STRIKE 2, ON MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS

Yeah, randomly mention Edwardina again. We never got closure on that, so it's fine, keep rubbing that open wound. It'll get better. Thanks.

And ohno, calling James her boyfriend and gay geek after he moved away was the fire that lit the fuse. Can't have that. JESSE JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"That's it, you're gonna die," Jessie muttered and she picked up her own knife. She stabbed Chloe right in the stomach.

I see you taught B'Elanna a thing or two. What is it with me and stomach stabbing? Oh Jess, if you believed in karma, Season Two would've turned out so different. Sigh.

I thought it was her hand she stabbed, because the note at the bottom always said "it's totally realistic, my friend did this tooooo!" My mistake.

Anyway despite being stabbed in the stomach, Chloe pushes her into a teacher. They fall onto a table. Since it was a woman teacher, not Miss Turner cos she was obviously gonna do something, teen boys tried to pour some oil they grabbed from the kitchen over them and got their PADDs out to film it. They were left disappointed and detention-ed.

Jessie then goes all WWE on everyone and throws chairs at the cackling girls. It takes three, no four teachers to not stop her. It's great. Forget it, they're all Turners.

Oh before I complete this part, let's end on a high note. Remember this?

"Non stop. Jessie finally cracked when she was fifteen and I wasn't there to hold her back," James replied.

And this only a short while ago:

May 2367 (three years later, nine years before present)

May 2367: James and Jessie are 17. James is close to 18, but that doesn't matter because........

NO CARE OR THOUGHT WENT INTO THIS BLOODY EPISODE AND THERE'S THE PROOF, RIGHT THERE! ^^ THE OTHER STUFF, CIRCUMSTANTIAL. THIS IS FACT.

End of part 1. Finally! Since this is so long, I've divided it up. If you decide to come back later to see my suffering continue, here ya go.