Marill Re-Reads Mental Illness
Here's the stats so far.
Exclaimed Count: 16
Muttered Count: 11
Motto Count: 2
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 1
Let's hope that things improve, until Hunters, Muse and World Domination anyway. I've already had a few peeks at Mental Illness as I had the idea to use a few of the crazy scenes for the Seventh crew in Reboot Spirits, and I know some of it is fine, otherwise I wouldn't have used bits of it. It's still a poor idea for an episode 2 even when the series was meant to be only occasionally quirky, not OTT OUT OF ITS GODDAMN MIND. God Aggressions Part 2 has a lot to answer for.
After this I fully intend to go back to writing. I've punished myself enough and definitely earned some more painful Season One looking at... I'm beginning to sense a flaw here.
Warning late Season One pretty damn obvious spoilers are there from the very start.
The first scene fails immediately, since despite it being there to introduce Damien's "The Boss" alter ego (or in the original plans, introduce The Boss full stop), does nothing original and instead copies a Pokémon scene word for word. I'm willing to bet that The Boss' image only turned into computerised voice and shadowed figure, or that Damien only had this alter ego so this scene could be used. I'm not giving myself enough credit, but hey, after Aggressions Part 2 my self hatred is regrowing.
Oh wait, there's a few tiny differences
"Yes, the ships chef was delighted to take them," a woman's voice replied.
"Was it really all right to give away all of those supplies for free?" a man with a deep goofy voice said.
"Small price to pay for what I'll get in return," the strange voice said. "When I give the signal, I want the team to attack that ship and steal anything that you can."
See, I'm fair! Cough.
That final line though I'm not sure, as the original Pokémon plan was to cause a commotion and mug the people they lured onto a ferry (which later sank like a Poseidon and Titanic combined). Whereas in this, I don't know what they're supposed to be stealing, if they're supposed to at all. Hmm...
"It's called Neelix's Pikachu Stew, it's my enhanced version of the Pikachu Stew that we got of those nice traders," Neelix said.
"I think I'll just use the replicator," Craig muttered and he walked away.
Muttered Count: 2 (damn it Craig!)
Pfft, hahaha. My hatred for Pikachu started sooner than I remembered. After the copycat scene, that's a good start...
"Pikachu stew! That's evil Firera!" Marill's voice moaned.
"It's not really made from Pikachu's, the evil boss type guy hates Pikachu so he just named a stew after it. Anyway this is my story, I'll do what I want!" Firera's voice yelled.
"Oh whatever," Marill's voice muttered.
Muttered Count: 3 (damn it Marill!)
Honestly, I dunno what I thought these writers interjections were adding to the episodes besides words. Do we really need an explanation for this??
Oh yeah and Firera "wrote" this. If I didn't know any better I'd be tempted to believe it, since the first Voyager scene is already 10x better than Aggressions 2. But I know the more likely scenario was that she suggested Pikachu Stew or what one character's crazy gag would be.
Muttered Count: 4 (it's nearly every other line, damn it Tom!)
Seven Of Nine walked in and also took a plate. She walked over to Tuvok's table.
"May I join you, Commander?" she asked.
"Of course," Tuvok replied.
Careful, if she eats that Pikachu Stew she'll inherit some of its Mary Sue power and make her invincible. IT BEGINS HERE, RUN FOR THE HILLS
Two alien ships headed towards Voyager undetected.
Something about this sentence doesn't work for me.
Wait, aliens? This isn't Seventh Voyager? Is it the er... cannot be named aliens Damien/Boss tricked into working for him? I guess we'll never know.
"Penny for the guy?" Tom asked.
"Huh? I thought that was what people said on Halloween," Marill's voice said.
"But he thinks he's a beggar, I need him to say something," Firera's voice said.
STOP EXPLAINING THINGS
Exclaimed Count: 1
"I'll give you something even better, what about a mind meld?" Tuvok asked.
"Maybe later," Tom replied and he walked over to Harry's console. "Any spare change sir?"
"QUIET! The voices coming from the console are telling me something," Harry yelled.
Oh, another Monkey Island quote and its from the same scene as the Aggressions' theft. Double points for the lack of effort? Yay
Though I gotta admit, I like Tuvok and Harry's crazy quirks.
Tom's on the other makes little sense. Harry hears voices coming from his station and falls in love with it. Tuvok responds to everything with mindmelds. But Tom believes he's poor and starts acting like a timid beggar. Hmm... reaching maybe.
"GET OUT, YOU'RE FIRED!!" Kathryn's voice was heard from Deck 15.
Ah the personal between friends Chakotay is fired gag, I think inspired by the Equinox Part 2 duty relieving. Without any context the "joke" falls very flat.
You're an episode late Janeway. Aggressions has been and gone, thank god.
"Are you starting, huh Tom?" Chakotay said angrily.
"No, sir. Any spare change?" Tom replied.
"NO!" Chakotay yelled.
They're both angry? Very creative.
"Ohno, I'm hearing the voices again!" Harry said.
YOU CAN'T USE THAT LINE TWICE. TOM HAS ALREADY STOLEN IT. STOP IT
"GET OUT! YOU'RE FIRED!" Kathryn yelled and she threw her computer at him. He ducked and the computer smashed off the wall.
YOU CAN'T USE THAT LINE TWICE.
Muttered Count: 5
"What on Earth were you doing?" the Doctor asked. Kathryn was sitting on the bio bed with several cuts on her arms and face. Chakotay was sitting on the other bio bed with a lot of cuts.
"SHUT UP HOLOGRAM OR I'LL DELETE YOU!" Kathryn yelled. Chakotay started fiddling with the medical equipment. He picked up a laser scalpel.
"Hmm! This would be fun to use!" Chakotay muttered. The Doctor snatched it off him.
Seriously, they have the same crazy quirk and it's not funny in the slightest. So much wrong, so little time.
Muttered Count: 6
"The Captain & Chakotay is also showing strange behaviour, I want you to come to Sickbay and look out for more strange behaviour," the Doctor said.
"All right, Doctor, do you think there's some sort of virus on Voyager?"
"I never jump to conclusions but it is possible," the Doctor said.
No, I think this is a normal day now.
"Do you think it's the same aliens who were experimenting on us a week ago?"
"No, this is different," the Doctor replied.
Ah, Scientific Method, one of our more interesting never seen episodes.
Chief Medical Officer's Log Supplemental: After scanning several crewmembers I've determined that many members of the crew have been infected with a virus but the big mystery is how they got infected in the first place.
I'm no doctor, but this is obviously just stress, post baby blues can affect men too, don't ya know. Or could be the coffee is extra weak today.
Or it could be the Pikachu Stew. Nah, that's dumb.
"What do all the crewmembers have in common with each other?" the Doctor asked.
"They have friends, I don't have friends and I'm not infected," Craig said.
Oh Craig, that hurt me here and here. Since you can't see I'll tell you where, the don't cares and my eyes, which was cured by rolling them.
"It was only a joke, Doc. Seriously, it could be something they ate or drank, or maybe a certain crewmember left the ship and then..."
Jokes are funny. Though Aggressions Part 2 wasn't funny. Carry on.
"Maybe Neelix's food has taken it's toll at last...wait, Neelix's food. Doc, some aliens traded some new recipe to Neelix for free, that could be what's infecting people with the virus," Craig said.
Get the Pikachu to Sickbay!
"And you didn't eat it?" the Doctor said.
"No, I used the replicator," Craig said.
"I think we should take a look at Neelix's new recipe," the Doctor said.
Haha, you want me to believe that on Voyager only Craig was smart enough to use the replicator. With Neelix as head chef. After he cooked something that probably looked yellow, was furry and had sparks flying off it. Yummy. Yes I believe you.
"I'm sorry Tom, I don't have any money," B'Elanna said sweetly.
"B'Elanna you're acting a little different than usual," Tom said.
"So are you darling, I'm afraid I'm a little busy at the moment, maybe we could meet up again in the Mess Hall for a cup of sweet tea," B'Elanna said.
The horror! Tea!! No wonder the so called poor and desperate Tom runs away. I would too.
"Lieutenant, the console is telling me that an alien spaceship is heading our way," Harry said. "Oh and it just told me that you're a jerk."
"Good work Harry, you deserve a mind meld for that," Tuvok said.
The only good scene (I remember) commences.
"The console's telling me to drop shields, so I will," Harry said.
"No, Harry, naughty! You deserve a mind meld for that!" Tuvok yelled.
Lol. The aliens got very lucky with their crazy juice. Without Harry sabotaging Voyager they'd have to do it the hard way. I'm not overthinking this, honest.
"Where are they?" Tuvok asked.
"On Deck Thirteen," Harry said.
THEY'RE HERE. RUN. HIDE THE CHERRY COKE AND VIDEO GAMES. THE CONSOLES TOO COS WHAT GOOD ARE GAMES WITHOUT THEM. AND WHAT, THE CHILDREN? NO, THEY'RE LOUD AND MESSY, LEAVE THEM BEHIND.
Seriously, before Deck Thirteen was a thing and it's already attracting "evil". Interesting.
"Seven Of Nine to the Bridge. Hi Tuvie! Do you wanna play catch in a corridor oh by the way Harry I luv ya! Seven out!"
"The console's telling me that she's on Deck Seven and that I can't go out with Seven coz the console luvs me," Harry muttered.
Where's the comma button? I swear it was here. It was next to the full stop. Oh that's gone too. Weeeirrrd.
Muttered Count: 7 (how convenient!)
Of course she's on Deck Seven.
Is this why Seven and Tuvok hung out earlier? Was I capable of any kind of continuity thoughts back then?
Phew, avoided drunk dating/making out ramifications by having Harry's console obsession.
"Beam her to Deck Thirteen, she can play catch with our intruders," Tuvok said.
"Er... two more people have appeared on Deck Thirteen, the console says. It's the writers again," Harry said.
"Ohno! I'll have to give them a mind meld," Tuvok said.
Well the scene was almost "perfect" for Season One. Damn it Harry.
And damn, the Seven abuse starts earlier too.
The writers on Deck Thirteen? SCREW YOU ALL, I'M GOING TO THE BUNKER WITH MY GAMES AND CHERRY COKE. HAVE FUN SUCKERS
And Tuvok, there are no minds to meld. I know for a fact Marill's won't return for three years or so, and it'll be too damaged. Not worth it.
"Firera, what are we doing here?" Marill asked.
I ASK THIS QUESTION ALL THE TIME AND THERE ARE NEVER ANY ANSWERS
"Something's not right, the boss type guy should have beamed his whole army aboard. Instead he's only beamed two people, what's the deal?" Firera replied.
WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OUR OWN FANFICTION.
Here's a tip. If Boss/Damien is rewriting your crap behind your back, stop leaving the computer to enter the episodes. You're not wanted there. We'd all be happier. Thank me later... um, thank yourself when you're older rather.
"All right then, lets prepare Voyager for trouble," Marill said.
YOU CAN START BY SHUTTING UP. THERE. I SOLVED IT!
"To protect the crew from evil nations," Firera said.
"Hello, are you the writers? Do you wanna play chase?" Seven said.
I never thought I'd say this but... yay for Seven!
Exclaimed Count: 2
Also "evil nations". Is this the generic motto or just this episode's? I tend to tune out during these. Either way WTF? Why would Voyager be in danger of evil "nations"?
Let's fix this up so it's more appropriate to the content
Prepare Voyager for trouble
Why not make it ourselves
To protect Voyager from storylines
To protect the crew from decent writing
To announce the evils of a random animal Damien likes and icky love scenes
To put readers off with trash and complain about being unnoticed years later
Fake Fire Marill
Fifth Voyager ruins itself at warp speed
Surrender now or wait for the reboot
Random other person, that's too bad!
Motto Count: 3
"This is definitely the stuff," the Doctor said.
"So how do we cure the crew?" Craig asked.
"Same as usual, just stay out of the way," the Doctor replied. He started working on the disgusting food.
Ohhhh, THAT. Thanks Doc.
"Get out of my way or I'll do a mind meld on you," Tuvok said.
"Oooh, tough guy huh! I know what to do with tough guys," Chakotay said. B'Elanna walked up to them.
Hopefully it involves a tricorder and some exaggerated karate sounds.
Oh wrong episode. Wrong way around. Get it together.
Meanwhile on Deck Thirteen:
CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!
"That Borg should keep those two meddling girls from ruining our plans, isn't that right Fluffly Rabbit," Damien said as he stroked his new fluffy rabbit.
Oh yeah, Season One.
Wait, what? Damien took credit for beaming Seven to Deck Thirteen when it was Tuvok. Is he controlling what crazy quirk the MC's have? Does he control them full stop? I didn't try to hide the Boss/Damien connection one bit, did I?
Ah who cares, thoughts make brain hurt. Fluffly Rabbit is the best name ever. It's not fluffy, its fluffly. That's a level of fluffy mere mortals cannot comprehend so don't ask.
"I remember when cuddly rabbits first came out in shops. It was a sunny day and I was planning on going for a walk, which was the style at the time. Anyway I put on my boots, which in those days were called big shoes, anyway..." the Old Man blabbered on.
Sigh. If this were a completely original joke that was mine, it'd probably be funny. But since I know it isn't, it's painful.
Nah, still sniggering at big shoes. I'm weak.
"Doc, I'd better get to Deck 13, there's intruders," Craig said.
"All right, I'm coming close to a cure," the Doctor said. Craig ran out of Sickbay.
Yeah, action Craig to the rescue!
Coming close? You mean getting closer, right?
I'm not gonna say it. Keep your minds out of the gutter folks.
"Lets get to work, I've lowered the temperature throughout the ship. Old Man, you go and torment everyone on the ship while the rabbits head to Engineering! Bwahahahahaha! I'll destroy those two girls personally," Damien laughed. Suddenly the Turbolift doors opened but the lift was still moving down. "Something's wrong," Damien said.
"In my day, we didn't have lifts, we used stairs, which in those days were called climbers..." the Old Man blabbered on.
As much as I make fun of Damien for some of his earlier plans, this one's pretty nasty. Imagine shivering so much your bones hurt, this creep walks over and starts talking about wrinkle cream being called miracle clear in his day only costing a penny. On and on until you freeze to death. All of this while you're already inflicted with something that makes you crazy.
Forget the rabbits part, that's damn evil.
But nothing compares to what happens next.
"Prepare yourself for trouble, kid!" Marill said breathlessly.
"And make it doubler than you ever did," Firera said just as breathlessly.
Motto Count: 4
Not breathlessly enough! Why did they call Damien a kid? Don't ask, though the answer makes little sense anyway (Damien was originally the same age as Marill before his character rename and transformation in Season 2, so 15-16, yeah explains a lot right?). Or it was stolen from Pokémon again and they were talking to a 10 year old? NAH! Why is it doubler? English is hard. Why are they in the turbolift when they should be on the same deck? Wizards did it. If they escaped from Seven onto another deck, surely they wouldn't still be out of breath. Well for Marill, running two steps makes her lungs collapse. Can't speak for Firera. Is evil nations in this version of the motto? Oh, oh *raises hand and jumps about* pick me, I know this one!
"To protect the crew from evil nations," Lilly said breathlessly. The turbolift finally stopped.
Oh, another wrong name for the writers. I'm sorry, that's getting fixed but left not so in this page. It's a wonder I knew how to turn a computer on. Something was seriously wrong. It shouldn't be funny, but it is.
I almost forgot about the evil nations. So yes that confirms it, that's part of the generic motto.
Let's have a look at it in full and see if you spot the same thing I did second - after the Lilly fiasco.
"Prepare yourself for trouble, kid!" Marill said breathlessly.
"And make it doubler than you ever did," Firera said just as breathlessly.
"To protect Voyager from devastation," Marill said breathlessly.
"To protect the crew from evil nations," Firera said breathlessly. The turbolift finally stopped.
"To announce the evils or rabbits and love," Marill said breathlessly.
"Make...site...more!" Firera said breathlessly.
"Marill!" Marill said angrily and breathlessly.
Breathless Count: 7
A NEW RECORD LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! EXCLAIMED HAS BEEN DEFEATED. NO ONE THOUGHT IT COULD DO IT, BUT NEWCOMER BREATHLESS HAS SWOOPED IN AND STOLEN ITS CROWN WITH ONE MEASLY SCENE. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. WOW. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SUCH A WORD COULD EVER BE USED SO MUCH MORE IN ONE SCENE THAN THE WORD WE USE INSTEAD OF YELLED OR SHOUTED. I MEAN YOU CAN'T EVEN USE IT ALL THE TIME. BUT IT DID IT. HISTORY IN THE MAKING FOLKS. TO CELEBRATE ITS OUTSTANDING VICTORY, WE'LL PLAY ITS NATIONAL ANTHEM
Go on, go on, leave me breathless *cue the music*
Ahem. I hope you're laughing at something here, because oh god. Said Breathlessly should be the episode title.
Suddenly the two felt the temperature drop and they both screeched. They started hugging themselves to keep warm.
Wait, the temperature drop wasn't what made them breathless *ding*... oh yeah Seven was chasing them. So she chased them into a turbolift. Well no one said, and here I was thinking that was a plot error. What was I thinking!?
"Fifth Voyager blasts off at warp speed!" Marill said quickly with a shaky voice.
"Surrender to us now or prepare to...." Firera said quickly with a shaky voice then she sneezed. Raichu appeared.
Not content with the breathless spam, ey?
"Because I have the advantage. Slowly but surely the crew of Voyager will die with the torment of freezing temperatures and Old Man stories and you will die at the hands of the rabbits when they take over Voyager and they take over the universe! Bwahahahahaha! You can try and stop me but it won't help you because I'm the Ultimate Pokémon, Mewtwo," Damien laughed evilly.
Oh, I forgot about the Mewtwo thing. That was in the previous episode as well. Mental Illness copies and pastes almost as much as it loses its breath.
Ooph, so close.
Am I going to explain the Mewtwo thing? Am I hell *ssskkkkkiiip*
Exclaimed Count: 3
"No swearing Fire. I know a way to take care of him. Pokémon battle," Marill said as she pulled out a Pokéball.
Um no. Even if that wasn't stupid, a water type's not gonna help in a freezing environment.
It's Marill though, stupidity is the name of the game.
"Ha, you think that little measle can destroy the ultimate Pokémon," Damien said.
"You're no Pokémon, Marill Bubblebeam attack!" Marill yelled. Marill jumped up into the air and fired a blue beam at Damien. Afterwards he was just wet.
Haha stupid result for a stupid action. Take a hint writers. Put the pokeballs away and sod off.
Damien, you could've least picked a rabbity type Pokémon to pretend to be. Did one exist then? Oh yeah, Marill's evolution. 0_0 WHAT A TWIST. Is Damien Marill from the future, omg even I didn't see it coming.
I really oughta lay off the coffee. Nah!
Blah, blah more Pokémon crap.
Funny fact: I tried to quote some of the battle here to make unfunny comments, drew a blank and tried to delete it. Web Express crashed. Tried to delete it again, but it's just not having it. Damn it Web Express, I thought you were sane and you were the sole fighter against Aggressions Part 2. Why? Okay, have it your way!
"Pika, pika-chu!" it squeaked.
"Oooh another Pikachu to put in my new stew," Damien said.
So bad it refuses to be deleted.
Anyway Marill continues to be stupid by bringing in a fire type to warm things up. It fries her and she dies, never to haunt the Internet with this FV stuff again. Oh wait, no, she gets Ash Ketchum'd and survives. Cos you know, the fire type turning on her all the time was totally original... honest!!!!
Craig arrives to save the day only to be distracted by the lovely underage Firera. Damn it Craig, you have problems. You're of legal age, you can't keep drooling over the under 16's.
It fired some poison needles from it's mouth and they all hit Damien. He cried in pain and he fell to the ground. He suddenly disappeared with the Old Man. Suddenly the temperature rose again. "Oh for crying out loud, Craig, stop staring at me!"
SUDDENLY MARILL STARTED WRITING IN CAPS. THEN SUDDENLY SHE GOT A CRAVING FOR COFFEE. SHE DEBATED GETTING A COFFEE, BUT HER LAST VENTURE OUT OF THE OFFICE LEFT HER BREATHLESS. SHE CONSIDERED EXCLAIMING FOR HELP, BUT SHE HADN'T REACHED HER POKÉMON BATTLE QUOTA. ONCE SHE DOES SHE CAN SUDDENLY GET MORE COFFEE. FOR NOW SHE CAN SUDDENLY HANG HER HEAD IN SHAME.
Jokes aside, at least one of the writers uses a Pokémon attack that would actually do some damage to Damien and force a retreat. Squirting water in his face, or setting yourself on fire just doesn't cut it with the game's new mechanics. You've got abilities and EVs to consider first. Newb.
As for the temperature being immediately fixed. Obviously Marill and Firera's allotted hour on Marill's mam's computer was nearing its end. Gotta get that weekly update done!
Anyway 17 year old Craig gets burned, in the not literal sense, by Firera (literal would actually be funny since she's named after a fire mouse) when he asks the 14 year old out on a date. Tuvok hauls him into the brig and mind melds with him until the crazy juice wears off. The End.
No sorry, that's not how it ends. That'd actually be half interesting.
"TEAM FIFTH VOYAGER IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" they both yelled and they disappeared.
"Sickbay to Craig,"
"Yeah, Doc," Craig replied.
"I've found a cure, I'll need your help to contribute it to the crew."
"Yes, Doctor, I'm on my way," Craig said.
Another conflict created and solved by the writers. Having fun yet?
Captain's Log Stardate 50 something something point zero: The Doctor & Lieutenant Anderson have distributed the cure for the mental illness to the whole crew luckily there are no permanent side affects unfortunately the crew don't feel the same way.
We're actually calling the wildly different symptoms a generic name like mental illness? Not cool. Not cool. A title has an excuse. I dunno what it is, but a log shouldn't have one.
The more creative "mental illness" victims argue about eating Neelix's food and insult each other's quirk. Then...
"Why don't you try some of my new Leola Root Curry," Neelix said.
"We'll just use the replicator," they all said in unison.
Haha. Craig said this earlier in the episode. The only thing that ruins this actually ok joke is "we'll". Changing it to I'll would've been better. It's one fleck of dust in a dirty room.
Well let's see how everything tallies up.
Marill's Rating: 4/10
1 point for having some mildly funny scenes with Harry's console love and Tuvok's mindmelds.
1 point for the ending being almost perfect.
1 point for making the second episode have brand new character Craig as one of the protagonists.
1 point for Damien.
However it loses points for quite a few issues, or bits of points otherwise it'd be in the minus and nothing but the big three deserve to challenge Aggressions 2.
1) The writers once more ruin everything, first by explaining things that aren't needed or complaining that the penny for a guy line was wrong. The big crime was taking Craig's role from him. This was meant to be his episode. He did figure out the culprit but after that all he did to help was show up.
2) Like Marill's name slip up in Part 2, Firera gets her name wrong. It's so embarrassing considering how long it's been there, so it's worth a -1 on its own
4) Another two Team Rocket mottos, and in a shorter episode no less. I don't care if they get interrupted, the thought is there.
5) It seems after beggar Tom, lovestruck Harry, mindmeld Tuvok and mild mannered B'Elanna I ran out of ideas. J/C both turn aggressive and shouty. Seven well... she goes all Season 3+ on us.
6) I know it was the kid me that wrote this so I may let myself off for this one, but having Janeway refer to the virus/illness as mental illness is so damn wrong. The title was fine, might have been better being called Mental Illnesses, as it's not meant to tell you the reason why or spoil you on the differing types of crazy the crew get up to. The title alone being appropriate is up for debate.
Though Janeway labelling something the crew caught from a spiked stew a "mental illness". It's simply a virus, an illness. Actual mental illness doesn't just catch you like a cold, then go away. Now, I'm not one of those people who think we must ban words like crazy or nutty. If someone calls me a nutjob or fruitloop, I'd probably be amused and/or agree with them. I get that those words can offend some but not all. There's got to be a line somewhere though, especially for fiction writers who would struggle to keep their characters in character if they had to censor words. Damien, Reboot-Janeway, Jessie etc... BUT calling a manmade virus a mental illness isn't anywhere near the line, it's miles away.
7) The intro scene being copied word for word. Motto's too but they always commit this crime.
I could go on, but the points outnumber the good.
Exclaimed Count: 3 (19 Overall)
Muttered Count: 7 (18 Overall)
Motto Count: 2 (4 Overall)
Sexist crap against my own gender count: 0 (1 Overall)