Everything was completely black, nobody could see anything. Faintly in the distance, muffled voices could be heard. One voice could only be described as female and quiet. The other soon responded was a soft male one, speaking flatly with no apparent emotion in his voice.
The female voice became more clear before a rustling sound briefly deafened everyone. "It's the blue button. The red one is always bad."
The male voice sighed in annoyance, "what's wrong with red? It says record you idiot." More rustling went on, but it was nowhere near as loud as before.
Suddenly everyone could see what the fuss was all about.
Everyone's personal computer screens, and even both of the bridge's viewscreen now showed a closeup of young Bryan's face which was looking to his right. It moved shakily to show a peeved Nikki standing with her hands on her hips. The view was zoomed out shakily like it was being carried away, Bryan's arm moved back to his side. Everyone heard a little click as the screen remained fixed in one view.
The pair had microphones in their hands, while standing in what looked like the infamous Deck Thirteen corridor which still had the rift damage from nine years ago. Standing on Bryan's left was Naomi with a handheld mirror in her hands. She was too focused on fixing her already perfect hair. For once the girl had a look of concentration on her face, that didn't quickly end in a confused frown.
"You're just five Bryan, let a grown up handle it," Nikki commented.
Damien's voice was heard grumbling while CDs were being shuffled loudly. "This sucks, it can't be my own show if I'm only in it for five seconds."
"Four, and I'm already smarter than you.. when I was one even," Bryan retorted, sighing huffily. "I fixed it, didn't I? Whereas you didn't."
"The red light is on, so it's not," Nikki said, sticking her tongue out at the boy.
"Surely if I was the star of this I'd be hosting it, not filming," Damien's voice muttered.
Bryan's eyes widened, "oh crap, we're on." He turned to face the camera, holding the microphone in place. He elbowed Naomi, "you're on." She jumped, and looked up like he did. Nikki still looked clueless. "Damien, move the camera so you don't see her."
Damien groaned, the screen shifted slightly to cut Nikki out of the picture.
"Ahem. Hello Voyager and Leda, we are brought to you live.. obviously. Welcome to our new show.." Bryan said.
Naomi grinned, "Little Sister."
Bryan frowned at her, "hey."
"Oh whatever," Naomi rolled her eyes. "Little Sister and Brother. That sucks."
"You told me it would be called the Damien Show!" Damien's voice snapped at them. They tried to ignore it.
"Fine fine, this is now called Voyager's Big Brother," Bryan groaned.
"That's so sexy!" Naomi snapped at him, prompting his current blush to get even worse.
"That's sexist, and it's not," he said.
"What about Leda?" Nikki moaned offscreen.
Bryan rolled his eyes, "for fu.. It's just Voyager. There, Big Brother, are you happy now! Run the bloody titles."
The screen changed to show a blatant rip off of the Big Brother opening credits.
When it finished the screen changed to show Naomi, Bryan and Nikki in the Deck Thirteen mess hall. They stood on a walkway while a crowd of screaming crewmembers surrounded them.
"Welcome back. We are just moments away from revealing this years house.. er shipmates. Unknown to the crew of Voyager, we've been filming around the clock to bring you laughs, excitement, romance.. yuck, and even action," Bryan announced.
"We have picked the most interesting out of the crew, and will show numerous clips of each one," Nikki said.
"Over the next few hours everyone aboard, with the exception of the ten we picked, will vote for who they don't want to see anymore," Bryan said. "After the ten in question nominate their two least favourite shipmates."
"But first, lets see where it first started," Nikki said.
Naomi looked very lost, "uh.. how on earth is that going to work?"
Behind her somebody held up a sign saying "Naomi's butt is fine from here". Somebody beside him quickly put up a sign saying, "you sicko, she's ten..ish." Both were shoved to the ground by Yasmin, she held up a sign saying "hi coffee, I love you".
The shot swapped to Bryan who looked like his Klingon side was about to show for the first time. Behind him somebody held up a sign saying, "get on with the f***ing episode". Another said, "Marill sucks!"
"It will work, shut up!" Bryan snapped. "Ok, lets meet the contestants. Now please."
The screen blanked out, with the words "Shipmate One". A really crude shot of a computer showing somebody's personnel file replaced it briefly, then it changed again, this time to Engineering.
The camera followed a young crewmember in his early twenties go over to his workstation. He switched it over to play a game. Quickly the shot changed to show him in the Mess Hall, sitting at a table. The camera was close up on him and Bryan.
"So we've chosen you to be a contestant on our reality TV show. What reason do you think we picked you for?" Bryan asked.
The man looked at the camera briefly before replying. "Dude, this is lame."
"Yeah erm.. do you think you could win?" Bryan asked.
"Of course, I always win," the man said, winking at the camera. "I pwn everyone."
Bryan raised an eyebrow, "pwn?"
"Yeah, god what a nub. I bet you stagger fire too," the man said.
Bryan stared blankly for what seemed like five minutes. "Oookay, so you don't just speak like that in your game. That's lame."
"Are you starting mother fu.." the man angrily snapped at him. The screen quickly changed back to the live Mess Hall.
"Ok, so contestant number one spends his time on a game called Alien Vs Predator, and speaks like he does on the game," Bryan said, looking unsure. "Nobody told me this before the interview, so that was a pleasant surprise. Lets move on."
Somebody handed Naomi a cue card, she looked cluelessly at it for a while. She showed Bryan it, "look, pretty pictures." He snatched it off her, shaking his head he read it.
"I'm four, and I can read better than her," he muttered. He looked back up towards the screen, "Marill would like to point out that this crewmember is not based on an actual person, just inspired."
"Ok now for contestant number two, who was very surprised when we told him about this," Nikki said, giggling like a drunk school girl.
Again the screen blanked out, then changed to the Security Office. James was there at his desk, not aware of the camera. He did look directly at it with a frown. "Uh Nikki, where did you get that stupid hat?"
"Tesco," Nikki's voice replied.
"Can you stop staring at me? Surely Craig won't mind if you stalked him for a while," James said uneasily. He frowned again, "ok getting deja vu here. Hat, looking at me.."
"Oh yeah Craig, see ya," Nikki's voice stuttered. The camera seemed to run towards the door.
The screen cut to Nikki standing in a random corridor. James was about to walk by, she quickly stopped him. "Hi er.. you've been filmed for a Big Brother like show and you're the contestant. Bryan will interview you." She ran off as fast as she could. The camera started shaking violently as James finally noticed the camera.
"So er.. got any words?" Bryan's voice squeaked.
"Yeah I do," James muttered. "Tell your dad to stop breeding." He then reached out for the camera, it went to static.
As they went back to the live footage, Damien's voice could be heard sniggering. "So should he."
"Damien, we're back," Nikki said.
"Crap! Oh wait, he knows already," Damien's voice muttered.
The people who were still watching were watching random clips of the chosen ten's antics. The camera was showing the bridge from the back, it moved to Jodie.
"Rumour has it Nikki's stepped up her stalking of James, she's videotaping him via a weirdly thin fluffy hat," she said.
The camera shifted to Jessie, she frowned as she looked up from her station. "What was that?"
The screen cut back to James, this time in the Holodeck training the trainees. The camera kept following his every movement.
"Come on topless shot," Nikki's voice whispered. "Take your top off, take it off."
Stewart walked over, blocking the view. "Sir, is the running machine supposed to talk?" He got no response as he didn't hear him. He shrugged, "all right then." Stewart then began to take off his t-shirt.
"Oh god," Nikki stuttered, fearing the worst. "No no, not you.." After he was done she sighed dreamily, "ooh not bad."
They cut back to the live show, Naomi and Bryan stared at Nikki in disgust. "What?" she squeaked.
"You thought James would take his top off in public," Bryan muttered. "Eeew."
"Yeah, if you wanted that shot you should have snuck into his bedroom and planted a camera," Naomi said.
Nikki's eyes shifted nervously, "I um.. tried but er, got caught and er.. Hey lets show more clips."
"Oh god you didn't," Bryan groaned.
"No of course not, I gotta go," Nikki stuttered, she was about to run off but Bryan held her arm. "What, I need to pee?"
"We can't show quarters footage, that part of the show is over so you can't do it, if you haven't already," Bryan said.
"Just watch Celebrity Big Brother, you'll catch 'him' topless with a towel on," Naomi muttered. They both looked at where Nikki once stood, but was not now.
"Ookay finally. Now we failed to mention another twist to the show. Before the evictions tonight the shipmates had to spend a day locked up in the Holodeck," Bryan said.
"We would like to point out that this was Damien's idea, and he did all the work," Naomi grinned.
The ten chosen sat around in a program that looked a little like the Big Brother sitting area place.
"So er.. what do we do?" Tom asked.
Kevin smiled sneakily as he shuffled closer to an unknown girl, he snuck his arm around. "Hmm I've got a few ideas."
For once the girl didn't look disgusted, in fact quite the opposite. She bellowed out in an annoying accent, "oi, go on en." She pushed him down and jumped on top of him, "ya a cute one aint ya!" Kevin's eyes were extremely wide with fear, he quickly shoved her to the ground. He didn't move after that.
Faye waved her hand in front of his face, "I think he's catatonic."
"Oh well, at least he won't talk for a while," James commented, looking disgusted at the woman on the floor. He spotted one of the cameras, "f*** off cameras."
The camera quickly shifted to Tom. His face lit up as he grabbed a cushion, "cushion fight!" He chucked it at Kevin, it just bounced off him with no reaction from him. The woman picked it up and threw it back at Tom. Everyone else quickly vacated the area, and went into the kitchen.
"Hey lets all sing a song," Doctor Jones cheerfully announced. Everyone around him looked worried as he burst into song, "I'm singing in the rain, singing in the rain!"
James quickly found the Holodeck controls and sent him back to Sickbay, everyone sighed in relief.
"You know, we erm could use that to escape," Evil C commented.
Annika giggled in her usual annoying way, "don't be silly sweety." She put an arm around him, much to his disgust. "It's not a transporter control."
James shrugged, he walked away from the controls, "it's better than going to back to work. Li'Chin wanted to help me teach today."
"What about the rest of us?" the game addict groaned. "You're such a pussy man."
"What, what about a cat?" James stuttered, looking around nervously.
Everyone jumped at a loud banging sound, and a thud. They all looked to see Annika lying in a pool of her own blood, with a nasty head wound at the back. They looked at Evil C who was staring at his shaking hands like a cliché first time killer. "She... she touched me." He ran off to the bathroom.
"How did he..." Faye said, she spotted the broken lamp near Annika's body. "Oh."
"Well she never comes back to life in front of us, so we don't have to worry about her coming back," James said. He frowned, then turned to punch the games addict. "Nobody compares me to a cat, you b***ard!"
Tom and the annoying girl re-entered looking a bit tired out, somehow Kevin followed still looking catatonic.
"Um... that's not what he meant," Faye commented.
"Woah, she spoak! Amaizing!" the annoying woman yelled.
James pulled a face at her, "god damn it woman. Stop speaking in that accent, it must be hell hard to type."
"Woaw, ya lush!" the woman bellowed, she tried to dive for him like she did to Kevin. He stepped to the side at the last minute, she fell in Annika's blood pool. Everyone then noticed Annika herself had gone.
"Woah, where did she.. she was dead, we didn't see it.." Faye stuttered, with wide eyes.
"Shat up!" the annoying woman bellowed. "Fooking liar!"
Faye stared blankly, "huh?"
The diary room door opened, Annika skipped out of like nothing happened. "Hi guys!"
The annoying woman jumped up, "see she's alive! What da ya saiy now, yu a liar!" She dashed over to Annika. "Hey, wanna be mates!"
Annika couldn't believe her luck, "wow somebody wants to be my friend." She clapped her hands giddily.
The computer voice started speaking in a OTT Geordie accent, "this is Big Voyager. There will be a slight delay with the first eviction due to Doctor Jones' escape. Whoever helped aid him will be punished."
"It was er Big Voyaiger!" the woman snapped at Faye, pointing at her.
James rolled his eyes, "what exactly are you going to do exactly, lock me in a room with Tom or Annika. You've already done it. F**k off Big Pile of S***."
"Um your kids could be watching this," Tom pointed out. He moaned, "heeeey, that's not very nice."
"It's not live, it'll be censored," James muttered. "They won't be watching anyway, Annika's in it... Oh god..."
"Yeah they'll have nightmares," Faye commented quietly.
The woman pushed her, "oi, don't speak to Onnika liek that. Don't act all fake, stop lying... stop lying, why lie!"
Evil C walked back out, he shuddered at the sight of Annika alive again. "Oh screw this. I'm out of here, who will help me?"
"I will cutey," the woman giggled.
Evil C's eyes widened, "um... I'm married, yeah that'll do." He looked around the group. "I need somebody tall to help me get over the fence, it's huge." He looked at Tom, he shook his head.
"Oh no no, I know I'll get blamed for the Doc's escape, I don't..."
"I think you're mistaking me for somebody who gives a crap," Evil C muttered. He walked out of the room, dragging Tom with him.
"Hey, he's not married," Faye said with a frown planted on her face. "Oh, right."
Meanwhile Tom was struggling trying to lift Evil C over his head so he could get over a seven foot fence. Tom's knees began shaking as he just managed to get him at eye level. The pair collapsed into a pile seconds later. James groaned as he entered the garden.
"I'm guessing B'Elanna's the one who does all the carrying," he said.
"What, carrying?" Tom stuttered from the floor. "He kicked me, so I dropped him on purpose. I could easily get him over the fence." He tried to lift Evil C again, the same thing started happening again. James went over, he pushed him over the fence just by pushing at his foot. Tom still managed to fall onto the floor afterwards. On the other side of the fence there was a small thud.
"Why did I get deja vu there?" he muttered. "Perhaps it was the Tom humiliation."
Tom groaned as he picked himself back up, "or perhaps you've done the Big Brother before, only this time you have a top on that's fully closed up. The gay's still there though."
Meanwhile inside the house Faye and the annoying woman were in a shouting match, while the others looked on. The games addict was looking on while eating a cooked chicken leg.
"What is going on here? I only asked where the toilets were," Faye moaned. "Annika, you know cos..."
Annika laughed for no reason. The games addict started choking on a chicken bone, Ylara rolled her eyes and slapped him across the back. He spat out the bone, it went flying towards Annika while she was laughing. Everyone watching cringed in disgust when she started choking instead.
"Eew that was gross," games addict guy said.
"You knoi wha, you only prenending to eed the lav cos you want attention! Don't ya!?" the woman screeched toward Faye.
Faye stared blankly, "what, can't you speak English?"
"I am Englash, fank you... unlieke ya!" the woman yelled.
"Ookay. You know what, stupid girl says your claim to a brain is non existent," Faye muttered before walking towards the sitting area.
"My claim to a brain is nan existent, you f***ng loser!" the woman yelled back.
Faye shrugged her shoulders casually, "good enough."
Tom stumbled into the room with a black eye and crooked nose. "Guys, James escaped. So did Clive."
"James did, how?" Faye asked from the doorway.
Tom beckoned his head to the garden, almost everyone turned to see the holodeck doors flickering every now and then into sight. They kept opening and closing to show two unconscious, butch looking guys lying there. "Yeah they're new to the ship, they mustn't have read the memo 'stop the Big Brother contestants escaping unless they're Ylara or James."
"HAX!" the games addict screamed out randomly. Everyone passed him funny looks.
"Yeah he's a hacker," Tom muttered.
"What a noob," the games addict said.
The Big Brother voice began speaking again, "ok will you people stop escaping, this is getting just as bad as Celebrity Big Brother 2007! Just pack it in!"
"Pack what, there's nothing here," Tom questioned.
"It's Geordie for stop it," Faye said.
"No it's not," Big Brother said. "Seven out of ten left..."
Annika looked up like she was called, "did somebody say my name?"
"ANYWAY... you've totally screwed up the evictions so you guys don't get to nominate..." Big Brother spoke. Suddenly everybody's screens went fuzzy, well everybody who was still tuned in anyway and that was only the Bridge's viewscreen.
Tom moaned like a child, "aaw come on, they were just getting to the part where I took my shirt off to get the viewers vote."
Jessie pulled a face, "ok even that annoying girl didn't deserve that."
Tom folded his arms huffily, "oh come on, I have a very manly chest that everybody, even the guys thought was model like."
"Are you sure they didn't say 'awful like'?" Jessie muttered.
"You're just jealous cos you're not married to the real male sex symbol of Fifth Voyager," Tom boasted, smiling proudly. Everybody in earview of that felt very ill.
"No she is," Jodie said. Jessie passed her a glare.
"James? Yeah right, ask anybody who watched Celebrity Big Brother 07 and they'll say the same thing as me. Yuck," Tom said. "Me on the other hand, yum. At least I look nice naked, and don't need fake tan or photoshop. Oh and sorry ladies, I'm not desperate enough to pose like that either."
Jessie's eyes widened a little, "naked? When did this happen?"
Nikki stepped off the turbolift, staring at a dirty gay magazine. "Mmmm, well hello Mr Stuart."
Jessie gasped and snatched it off her, and had a quick look. She quickly looked disgusted, "that's not James!"
"Told you, photoshop and fake tan," Tom said.
"That's not what I mean," Jessie groaned. "He's just a look alike."
Nikki tried to get her magazine back, whimpering each time Jessie moved it slightly out of her reach. "You don't need this mag, you can see it anytime you want. Give it."
"And it's just a lookalike Jess," Jodie teased, while still trying to catch a glimpse of the magazine.
"It's enough to burn it so you never see it again," Jessie grumbled. She stormed off the bridge.
"So erm... we're three months into 2007, there's still no new episodes... this whole thing is just stupid, why don't we..." Kevin said.
Tom grinned, "ok." He turned the viewscreen back on. Everyone's eyes widened as they heard Tom's voice on the screen saying something, "I know how I'll get people to vote for me."
"Oh god, get it off!" everybody else screamed.
"Yeah get it off!" Nikki added on to the end, clapping her hands in delight. The rest of the bridge looked at her in disgust.
"She does know that James is no longer a blonde and Tom's hair is so gelled and spiky it's not blonde either? Right?" Jodie said.
Kevin turned his chair around, with his hand across his eyes. "Neither is Craig, oh she's moving onto brown." Nikki overhead him, she passed him a wink.